Read the full transcript of seasoned educator Darrell Hall’s talk titled “Transforming Pain Into Purpose: The ‘What Now’ Approach” at TEDxGrandviewHeights, Feb 27, 2025.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Introduction: The Prison of “Why Me?”
Darrell Hall: Imagine a prison where the walls are composed of your very own thoughts, each one echoing, “Why me?” And with each echo, those walls grow taller, wider, they’re ever more suffocating. This prison, it has no windows and the air feels heavy. And no matter how loud you scream, “Why me?” The echo answers back only with silence. This prison is built upon resentment, bitterness, anger, and self-pity, and it traps you in a never-ending cycle of pain.
But what if there’s a key to set you free, a simple yet profound question, “What now?” The what now approach, it doesn’t lessen the pain or the suffering, what it does is it enables you to take it, to face it, to work through it, to transform and redeem it, unlocking the doors to hope and healing and the belief that life can be good again. We can be set free from our prison of pain by changing our questions, and ultimately thereby changing our lives.
The Problem with “Why Me?”
You know, when something bad happens to you or your loved one, I mean, don’t we all ask the why me question? I mean, that’s the natural response. But the problem with the why me question is that there’s no satisfying answer to it. It keeps you trapped in that past negative event and doesn’t allow you to move forward in your life. And all of your energy is being expended on something you cannot change. And this leads to bitterness, resentment, anger, self-pity, even hatred and revenge. And as the Chinese proverb reminds us, “He who seeks revenge digs two graves.”
And then I think of Nelson Mandela and the 27 years he spent in a South African prison.
And on the day of his release, as he’s walking out the doors to his freedom, he said, “I realized I had to give up my hatred, my anger, my bitterness, otherwise I’d still be a prisoner.” Just think about it, bitterness or resentment, that’s like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. This is why the why me question is not soul-making, it is soul-destroying. You are no good for yourself or for anybody else. When you’re trapped in that prison of pain, you can never become your best self.
You see, “Why me?” is a question that looks for blame, but “What now?” is a question that looks for answers. So what’s the correct answer and question? It’s not “Why me?” it’s “What now?” Now that this has happened to me, what am I going to do about it? How am I going to make my life good again? How can I transform my pain into purpose?
Terry Fox: A Legacy of Hope
And I want to use two stories to illustrate my point. First, Terry Fox, the great Canadian icon, instead of remaining in bitterness and despair over the loss of his leg to cancer, Terry ran his Marathon of Hope across Canada to raise money and awareness for cancer research. In running this Marathon of Hope, Terry demonstrated the big three virtues of life, love, courage, and the willingness to suffer. It was the love that Terry had for people that gave him the courage to run that Marathon of Hope.
See, Terry didn’t allow his condition to limit or define him. Instead, he finished the race of life heroically. And each one of you is called to run your own Marathon of Hope with the same determination, resilience, and self-sacrificing love that Terry did.
You know, if Terry would have remained in the “Why me?”, there would be no Marathon of Hope. There’d be no Terry Fox Foundation. There’d be no Terry Fox Runs that have raised over $850 million for cancer research. There would be no Terry Fox as the great Canadian icon. So while we grieve the untimely passing of Terry, we’re inspired by his ability to transform his pain into purpose, enabling him to become his best self, a person of love, courage, and the willingness to suffer.
Lorraine’s Sacrifice: The Ultimate Gift
Second story is about a young woman. She’s 28 years old, already has a two-year-old son. She’s pregnant for a second time. And during this pregnancy, she’s diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. And the doctor said, “We need to end this pregnancy immediately so we can begin treatments.” And she said, “I can’t do that.” And the doctor said, “I don’t think you understand. Even if we begin treatments today, your chance of survival are less than 50%. And the longer you wait, the less your chances.” And she said, “No, I could never do that. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did that. So I’ll take my chances.”
And so she did. And she gave birth to a very healthy baby girl. And then she began her treatments. But within two years, sadly, she had passed away. This woman with her unwavering conviction, so brave, so selfless, this young woman was my beautiful wife, Lorraine. She passed away at age 30, leaving me with our four-year-old son and our two-year-old daughter.
Did I ask the “Why me?” Yes, of course. But I quickly realized, these children have just lost their mother. The last thing they need to do is to lose their father, too. To lose their father, too, bitterness and resentment and anger and self-pity. And so I still remember that night, just sitting on the floor, surrounded by Lego pieces. Too tired to build, but too heartbroken to have the children build alone. And it was then that I realized, these children didn’t need me to be just alive. They needed me to be present and hopeful and happy and moving forward with my life so that they could, too.
And when I think back to Lorraine and all the chemotherapy and radiation treatments that she went through, you know, she never complained once. There was no bitterness or anger in her. She just faced her situation with an extraordinary dignity and grace, remarkable strength that inspired everybody around her. And it’s in doing this that Lorraine demonstrated those big three virtues of life, love, courage, and the willingness to suffer.
It was the love she had for the baby in her womb that gave her the courage to be willing to sacrifice herself on that child’s behalf. And there’s no greater form of love, no greater act of courage than to give your life for another, because that is the ultimate sacrifice. But it’s also the ultimate gift. Lorraine gave that ultimate gift of life to our daughter, Erin, who in turn has given that same gift of life to her four beautiful boys. And they will have families of their own one day. This is a gift that just keeps giving. And it’s Lorraine’s lasting legacy to this world.
So we have two legacies of hope. We have Terry Fox, who ran a marathon of hope on one leg. And we have Lorraine, who gave life at the cost of her own, two different paths, but both pointing to the same truth. Whenever we face life’s greatest challenges, it calls us to our highest and greatest purpose, to become people of the what now approach, people who learn to transform their pain into purpose, enabling them to become their best self, a person of love, courage, and the willingness to suffer.
I’ll be forever thankful for the love that I shared with Lorraine. And please understand, better to have known and loved her for the years that I did than not to have known and loved her at all. I was abundantly blessed to share that love with Lorraine. But I’ve been abundantly blessed a second time in finding love once again with my wife, Anna, and our son, Matthew.
You see, life really can be good again, but only if you move from the “Why me?” to the “What now?”, only if you transform your pain into purpose. And when you do, the echo changes. No longer is the “Why me?” bouncing endlessly off those walls. Instead, the “What now?” grows louder and stronger, and it’s calling you, it’s freeing you to move forward in your life where peace, joy, happiness, hope, and healing, that those are possible again.
And when you do this, you’ll be forever thankful, always grateful, and abundantly blessed. I have been in my life. You can be too. But first, you must ask yourself, what pain in my life is waiting to be transformed into purpose? Your answer might just change your life and the life of those around you. The world and your life are waiting for your answer. So what now? Thank you.
