Here is the full transcript of Elizabeth De Moraes’ talk titled “Transform Self-Sabotage Into Your Super Power” at TEDxFrisco conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Hello, I’m Elizabeth, and I am a recovering, undercover, serial self-saboteur. Now, as intriguing as that might sound, it is not a very fun way to live. I say “self-saboteur” because, like probably many of you, I have self-sabotaged myself out of so much potential, so many dreams. I say “serial” because I do it over and over and over again.
My parents even enrolled me in a class when I was a teenager on how to overcome self-sabotage, and I really wish that I would have paid more attention to those lessons because it would have saved me a lot of anguish through the years. And I also say “undercover” because, unless you live with me or you’re in my inner circle, you would have no clue that I do this to myself. And I say “recovering” because I can see it so quickly now and nip it in the bud, or if I do it, then I can really bounce back much faster, but I still fall back.
I mean, I cannot tell you how many times I almost self-sabotaged myself out of this opportunity. I rewrote this speech so many times, and I kept layering layer, layer, layer on top of it simply because I was afraid my deepest passion and my deepest fear would be that I have nothing to say. And so I kept writing until someone, a very beautiful and exquisite soul, said, “Just stop. Stop. What is the one gift you want to give your audience? It is enough, and you are enough.”
And so I took about 24 hours, I stepped back, I started fluffing off all the layers, all the layers, until I got to that core message, which was there the whole time. I was just afraid that it wasn’t enough, but it’s enough. It’s way more than enough, and that is that I’m going to teach you how to turn your self-sabotage into your superpower.
What is Self-Sabotage?
So what is self-sabotage? Self-sabotage is when you take part in the behaviors that undermine your process, your progress, and your success. It stems from feeling undervalued, underwhelmed, fears of inadequacy, fears of the future, and the unknown. And it shows up in so many different ways.
One, it shows up in procrastination. This is when you have things that you need to do, but you put off, you stress yourself out while you’re not putting it off. And then when you finally get to it, you still stress yourself out and either you have an amazing result or a satisfactory result, but no matter what, your confidence goes down.
Another one is perfectionism. This is where you set the bar so high, you work towards it, you get maybe right beneath it or maybe even hit it, and boom, instantly you raise that bar higher. And all that does is to diminish your self-belief and it reinforces your belief that you’re not enough.
And the third one that I want to share with you today is self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, pulling out that credit card for that quick little hit. This stems from wanting to avoid, to just really get away, to numb out feelings of not enoughness. So here we do, here we are, we stay in this little bubble of self-sabotage.
We’re in pain. We have both our foot on the accelerator and the brake. We stay in this pain place because our soul is so, it’s hurting so much because it knows it is not fulfilling its destiny. So we stay in this pain simply to avoid a potential pain over here of really going for it.
And isn’t that ironic? And pretty tragic. So I want to go back to 1975. I feel like I need to do that little, from “Wayne’s World,” it’s 1975.
Elizabeth’s Childhood Story
I’m four years old. I’m in the basement of my parents’ home in Lincoln, Nebraska. And those of you who were raised in the ’70s and ’80s will probably relate to my exuberance and my excitement. It was Saturday morning cartoons. I sat down on the basement floor, I pulled my nightgown over my knees because it was so comfy. My parents always told me to stop doing that, “It’s going to stretch your shirt out.” But I still did it anyway because I loved it.
And I cannot say for certain if this is what I ate, but it was one of my favorite breakfasts, and that was great nuts covered with a really thick layer of sugar and just enough milk to make that sugar crispy and gooey, just enough. So here I was sitting and watching TV on this auspicious Saturday morning, eating probably my great nuts, and all of a sudden “Fantasia” from Disney came on.
So I’m sitting there watching, and all of a sudden on the screen came this most amazing image of a dancer. She was exquisite, and I was mesmerized. And it was in that moment that I knew that everything in my life made sense. I knew in that moment that I, what my passion was and my purpose. And all of a sudden I totally professed to everyone that was right there, my mom and dad, “I am going to be a dancer.”
And who was on that screen? None other than Hyacinth the hippopotamus. Isn’t she gorgeous? Her dancing was exquisite. She danced with such exuberance and joy and authenticity and freedom. You see, at this point in my life, at four years old, I was deathly shy. And when I was shy, during this time, my parents would take me out and any time anyone would come around, I would hide behind them.
Teachers sent notes home saying, “She’s doing so well in school.
She gets along and is having a blast with her friends. We just wish she would speak up.” And it was in this moment of seeing her dance that I found a way that I could connect, I could communicate, and I could express my full self without ever having to say a word. It was brilliant. And so I got to work, I trained my body, I pushed my limits, and my dreams started coming true.
Elizabeth’s Dance Career
This is me when I was 12 years old in Germany, doing my first pas de deux. Fast forward a numerous years, I had an amazing career where I was able to perform, choreograph, and teach. I was able to perform at the Kennedy Center in D.C. and all throughout the United States as well as over into Europe and Scandinavia, and it was a priceless experience.
And I do know what a privilege it is and how fortunate I am that I knew what my purpose and my passion was from a very young age. I knew in that moment, as I was growing into becoming a dancer and all throughout the years, I knew that this was a way that I could fully express myself. And I still cannot put into words what it feels like to dance. It’s when I feel most connected to God.
It’s truly a spiritual experience. It’s where I can dare to fully unleash my full potential, where I can leave it all out and I’m fully me. Unfortunately, that shyness evolved into self-doubt, feelings of unworthiness, asking myself questions. I think I’m broken. Am I broken? I am broken. And so at various points in my career, I self-betrayed, I self-sabotaged, and I self-medicated. And my drug of choice was food.
And with that, I would gain weight. My weight would fluctuate. And I purged. I did not purge. I binged. Never purged, but I did binge. I overate. And so I could go out to dinner with friends, come home to an empty apartment, and eat an entire box of cereal all by myself.
Physically, I felt disgusting. Mentally, I felt disgusted and disappointed in myself because once again, I created more evidence that I did not have what it takes to thrive in an industry where skinny was the norm. I blamed my weight for sometimes potentially not reaching my goals instead of really focusing in on my fear that maybe my talent wasn’t enough.
And so I became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I went on tour with a company in Finland. We were in Helsinki performing at the theater where the Helsinki Ballet performs, and the director there pulled my director to the side and said, “How are you letting her perform? She’s fat. She doesn’t deserve to be there.” I still feel those words.
Now what he said is indispensable, but I was doing this to myself. Now you might think that night, maybe that’s when I probably quit dance. I almost did. It’s a night of constant sobbing, but that’s what’s kind of cool, if you want to say it’s cool, about self-sabotage. It is not an end-all be-all.
I still went on and had a very successful career as a soloist. I went and did my master’s in dance anthropology and analysis and another master’s and almost PhD in dance pedagogy and dance performance theory. And then I went on and was a professor at TCU. So sabotaging doesn’t have to end everything.
Turning Self-Sabotage into a Superpower
So I want to turn it back on to you. Where are you self-sabotaging in your life? Where are you possibly wanting to get fully healthy? You’re doing everything you need to do, but at night you’re sneaking the candy and self-betraying.
Where are you? Maybe you have a promotion that you really, really want. You know you were made for that position, but instead of doing the self-work and everything that you need to do to really shine, instead you sit back, pull up that remote control, and watch Netflix. Then you’re watching your favorite show all weekend.
So where are you doing that? I want you to get really real with yourself right now. You probably don’t have to think much about it. It probably comes up really fast. So I want to teach you something on how to turn your self-sabotage into your superpower. So I ask you to raise your left hand. This hand represents your… No one’s watching you, so don’t worry. This hand represents your potential and the energy behind your potential.
Now this hand is you putting your foot on the gas pedal towards your potential. Now press into each other. Now there’s communication there. There’s a dance that can be created. There is communication, like I said, and also trust, a little fear, a little vulnerability. It’s in this moment where there’s beauty that can happen.
Now with this right hand, visualize that self-sabotaging behavior coming in and putting a brake on it. If you push right up against it, there’s no movement, right? The thing is, in this moment, you can relax your hands. At this moment, this is a beautiful moment where you get to see and have an awareness of this behavior is popping up. I’m about to step into my potential.
I can now choose to either continue, or I can release and yield a little bit and take the right action and allow that potential to take me on my way. I’d like for you to sit up, please. Sit up on the edge of your seats, feet flat, sitting nice and tall. Close your eyes. I’ll tell you when to open them, not for very long. Hands down by your sides. Close your eyes. Breathe for a moment and become very present with yourself.
Think of that one self-sabotaging behavior that you do. Now visualize replacing that with just one small little step that is more empowering. That self-sabotaging behavior popped up, you become aware of it. You make a mental note, and you say, “I’m going to switch it to a better choice.” Visualize the result of that. Maybe you took that one step, maybe you got the promotion. Whatever it is, visualize that and feel what it’s going to feel like to attain that.
You are attaining it right now. Now open your eyes. It’s in that moment I want you to now make a commitment that whenever that self-sabotaging little jolt comes in, you take a mental note and you commit to making a choice to say, “I’m going to let that go. I’m going to make a small choice to do something different.”
Conclusion
It’s going to be scary. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to fall. You’re going to fail. It’s okay. That’s where you learn. Embrace it. Because if you do this one thing, so much can change.
Because if this shy little four-year-old who chose to dance so that she could communicate is now standing before you fulfilling a dream, speaking my truth, you can too take those small, courageous steps so that you set yourself up to dare to fully unleash to your potential. Thank you.