Why You Feel Younger (Or Older) Than Your Age: Tracey Gendron (Transcript)

Read here the full transcript of Dr. Tracey Gendron’s talk titled “Why You Feel Younger (Or Older) Than Your Age” at TEDxReno 2024 conference.

Listen to the audio version here:

TRANSCRIPT:

The Universal Experience of Aging

How many of you consider yourselves to be part of the aging population? Okay. How many of you are older today than you were yesterday? Yes. That’s right. We are all part of the aging population. It’s the one thing every human being on the planet has in common, without exception. But I bet when I said aging population, what you heard was older people.

Aging is not a synonym for old. Aging is something that is about all of us. So now I want you to think about how old you are. Remember that number, and now think about how old you feel. Does it match your chronological age? Is it the same number? If you’re like most people, it isn’t. Most people will say that they feel younger or older than they actually are.

Subjective Age and Its Misconceptions

There’s a name for this phenomenon. It’s called subjective age. Subjective age is perfectly described by the common expression, “You’re only as old as you feel,” which is a sentiment that we tend to accept at face value. Maybe you have days where you wake up and think, “I have so much energy today, I feel like I’m in my 20s.” Or maybe you wake up one day with a backache and think, “I feel like I’m 90 today.”

The saying, “You’re only as old as you feel,” is a well-intentioned but misguided way to make peace with our own aging. To truly understand aging, we need to embrace one simple idea. Whatever your age, you feel the age that you are. You just thought it would feel different than it actually does. 40 is not the new 30, 30 is not the new 20, and so on.

We say these things because our expectation for what it means to be any given age comes from what we learn about aging. And unfortunately, what we learn about aging has a lot in common with the way a horny teenager learns about sex. It’s a lot of misconceptions and half-truths. But whereas we eventually learn the truth about sexuality, few of us realize that we never learn the truth about aging.

The Impact of Ageism

What we learn about aging is often influenced by unconscious ageism. And ageism results from what we learn about aging. It’s an insidious feedback loop resulting in a dysfunctional pattern of thinking that keeps us from seeing the potential in ourselves at any and every age.

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You feel the age that you are. I’m 53 and I feel 53. This is what 53 feels like for me. Your 53 might be completely different. The paradox of aging is that while it’s something we all have in common, no two people age in precisely the same way. Our geographic location, personal habits, race, gender, education, and so much more are all factors in our aging experience.

So how does ageism influence our understanding of aging? Well, ageism happens when we stereotype or discriminate against people based on age, whether directed at those older than us or younger than us. For example, if you’ve ever thought “young people are so lazy and entitled” or “old people are so lazy and entitled,” that’s ageism. And yes, I hear both of those a lot.

What about “Janet is 75 and must have so much wisdom to share”? I hate to tell you, but Janet, ugh, you don’t want advice from Janet. Being old doesn’t magically grant you wisdom any more than being young magically makes you tech-savvy. I have a 20-year-old daughter with a college education who could not figure out how to set up her smart TV.

Self-Directed Ageism and the Reality of Aging

Another dimension of ageism is self-directed ageism. That’s the fear, shame, or dread we carry around about being or becoming older. And it’s important to remember that this isn’t always a conscious thought. But if we believe that growing older is solely a process of decline, it makes sense that we’d have a degree of fear around it. But aging is the simultaneous process of decline and growth.

I want you to think back to yourself at, let’s say, 12 or 15 years old. Really remember what you were like back then, your hopes and your dreams, your skills and your knowledge. And also remember the awkwardness, maybe braces, probably interesting fashion choices. Yeah, I can feel you cringing right now.

Being 15 was fun and challenging. Since then, I guarantee you’ve learned new things, developed new skills, and are much more comfortable being you overall. 15-year-old you worked so hard and has come so far to be the person that you are today. This is all part of your aging.

The Growth and Development in Aging

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that aging is just about decline. But guess what? Growth and development don’t just magically stop once we reach a certain age. The research shows that as we grow older, we’re actually more comfortable in our own skin, we’re less likely to define success based on ability, we choose relationships that are good for us, and we feel a greater sense of freedom to be our unique selves.

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Aging is the process of change that happens over time. Change to our bodies, our psyche, our social roles, and our emotions. And yes, this includes some decline. We are, after all, mortal beings. But having tunnel vision towards fear of decline prevents you from seeing the entire picture of your life. You don’t actually want to be a younger version of yourself. You want to be an ideal version of yourself. And you can choose to be at all ages and abilities.

The Complexity of Defining “Young” and “Old”

When you ask people to define what it means to be young or old, something interesting happens.

Old is described as everything from wise and experienced to frail and senile. Young is described as hopeful and energetic and also immature and ignorant. You see the problem. Trying to ascribe so many meanings to something renders it effectively meaningless.

The actual definitions of old and young are really simple. Old is having lived or existed for a long time. Young is having lived or existed for a short time. That’s it. But whether older or younger, people are put in the position of navigating the frustrating stereotypes heaped upon them.

Changing Our Mindset: Two Simple Steps

So how do we change our mindset from “you’re only as old as you feel” to “you feel the age that you are”? There’s two simple things that every one of us can do starting today.

Don’t project your current self onto your future self. What interests you today may or may not interest you tomorrow. What makes you happy today may or may not make you happy in the future. When I was two years old, my dad was 27. And if you would have asked my dad at 27 to describe what happiness would look like for him in later life, he would have said something like, “Well, if I can smoke cigars, bet on the horses and play football when I’m in my 70s, then I’ll be good.” The funny thing is that when I asked my dad that same question today at 79, his answer is drastically different. He’s moved on and changed. Happiness for my dad now is composing music, spending time with loved ones, and watching his beloved New York Jets play football while lamenting that his team is the New York Jets. Yeah. If you would have asked the two-year-old version of me to define happiness and success for myself, I would have told you that as long as I got to eat SpaghettiOs every day for the rest of my life, I would be good. When we project our current self onto our future self, we’re making assumptions about who we will be and what we will value. And by the way, I’m happy to share the 53-year-old version of me has a much broader and healthier palate. Right now, you feel the age that you are, no matter what you’re feeling. It isn’t feeling younger that makes us healthier or more robust. That’s a fallacy. Younger isn’t good and older isn’t bad. What makes us live longer, healthier, more meaningful lives is changing our understanding of what aging is.
Remember that we are all role models for aging because it’s what we’re all doing. What we say about it matters. What we do matters. Own your age. Don’t act like it’s something to be ashamed of. Don’t cover it up in Band-Aid words like “seasoned” or “experienced.” If you’re old, own being old. Skip the patronizing language of referring to older and younger people as “sweetie,” “honey,” or “dear.” Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that, let’s say, all younger people are politically progressive and all older people are politically conservative. Simply by rejecting these kinds of age stereotypes, you’re making a powerful statement. Big societal change grows from small, everyday moments. And you don’t have to look too far back in history to see this in practice. Moments where regular people take action. You don’t have to be a gerontologist giving lectures or a politician writing laws or an influencer with a huge following to make a difference. Enough little moments add up to reach the critical mass that sparks change.

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Conclusion: Embracing Your Age

So as I wrap up today, I’m going to leave you with a gentle nudge to help you feel the age that you are. Because as you know by now, you are not 29 for the umpteenth year in a row. So on the count of three, we are all going to say our age out loud for all to hear. Yes, let’s embrace this together.

Are you ready? Let’s do this. One, two, three. “50!” “30!”

Thank you so much.