Here is the full transcript of Premarital Financial Counselor Leah Marie Collins’ talk titled “You’re In Love. But Are You Financially Compatible?” at TEDxMileHigh 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Canceled Wedding
Like millions of brides around the world, in March 2020, I canceled my wedding. But unlike these brides, I was relieved. My fiancé was a tall, dark, handsome man. A Nigerian-American doctor. He came from a great family, was well-educated, treated me like a queen.
And when he got down on one knee and proposed to me in Aruba, I felt like I was living in a dream. Things were great. Until they weren’t.
By the time the wedding rolled around, I was no longer charmed by our differences. I was horrified. He wanted a fancy high-rise apartment downtown. I wanted something more affordable in case anything happened with one of our jobs. I wanted a small, intimate wedding. His guest list alone was 200 people. And in Nigerian culture, it’s customary to have two ceremonies. 200 people, two ceremonies.
You can see how the costs were adding up fairly quickly. When I asked about savings and retirement planning, he told me that he had a life insurance policy. But one of his family members was the beneficiary and would remain the beneficiary. And if anything were to happen to him, that family member and I would have to figure it out.
And to be clear, most of these things are not wrong, and I’m not saying that he’s a bad person. What I am saying is that although we were compatible in many ways, we were not compatible financially. And then the pandemic struck. Rather than face the shame and embarrassment of calling off not one but two ceremonies, we just told everyone that we would reschedule once this whole pandemic thing blew over.
And then we just never did.
But this experience taught me a valuable lesson. You don’t really know someone until you have seen their finances. And I mean all of their finances.
The Taboo of Money
Money is one of the most taboo topics in society. Think about it. Do you know how much money your closest friends make? Have you told them how much money you make? Have you ever lied to a friend, girlfriend, boyfriend about your salary? Added a few zeros to make yourself feel better? Maybe removed a zero to make yourself more relatable? Do your friends know how much credit card debt you have?
Better yet, do you know how much credit card debt you have? Do you? We hide the truth about money from everyone, even ourselves. Having a money conversation with your partner may be the most vulnerable discussion that you have had with anyone ever.
Because it’s not really about the money. Our money is a record of how we live our lives, what we care about, who we care about, how we think about our future, our relationships, our safety, and our goals. Being financially compatible means that you have learned how to share your deepest thoughts with your partner, to show them all of you, and to be seen in return.
Since leaving my almost-husband, I have helped hundreds of couples as a premarital financial counselor. I’ve helped them get clear on finances and have thoughtful conversations around money instead of another blowout fight. My job is a weird combination of the hard skills that I’ve developed while pursuing my MBA, working for a Big Four accounting firm, and doing financial auditing for a Fortune 100 company. And what I have learned is this. If you can communicate about money, you can communicate about almost anything.
Three Tips for Financial Communication
So, today I’m going to share three tips to help you improve your communication around money and relationships. The three don’ts before saying I do. And if you’re already married, don’t panic. It is never too late to heal old money wounds and start a new course together.
Tip number one. Do not ignore red flags. And people always say, “Leah, give me the list. Where are the answers so that I can score my partner?” But the reality is red flags are relative. You get to determine what they are. If I love cats, which I do, and my partner loves cats, then that’s not a red flag. But if I love cats and my partner hates cats, that’s a red flag. True story.
I had a cat named Butters, and I actually stopped dating the guy because he told me “I don’t do cats.” So, I told him, “Well, I don’t do you.” And he got very upset about that.
But we just weren’t compatible in that way. That was a deal breaker for me. And you get to determine what the deal breakers are for you. But as a financial counselor, there are common red flags that I have observed, like refusing to talk about money.
If you initiate a money conversation with your partner, what happens? Are they open and receptive, or do they shut down and refuse to talk about it? As a single woman, I am talking about money in some capacity on the very first date. And yes, I know that sounds extreme, but let’s be honest.
At least one of you is probably thinking about sex during the first date, right? If that’s not taboo, then why is money? Money is just as important, or more, than sex. Look, I have a motto. If we can’t talk about money, we can’t talk about sex.
And it goes back to what I said earlier. It’s not just about the money. When we discuss money with our partners, we’re really discussing our future and our goals together. We’re building trust. And what is sexier and more romantic than that? You say talk dirty to me, I say talk money to me. And it’s almost impossible not to.
Money literally touches every aspect of our lives. And these early conversations don’t have to be weird or awkward. You can have them or start them by just sharing information about yourself. I recently sold a house. So if a date says, “Hey, what are you doing this weekend? I would like to see you again.” I would say, “I just sold my house. I’ll be moving out.”
Naturally, the conversation will turn to home ownership, interest rates, the state of the economy. He would divulge information about himself. Is he a homeowner? Is he a renter? Is he saving to buy a house? You can also learn a lot through observation. Who pays for the bill? Does he tip?
Does he talk about big financial goals? Or is he more of an in-the-moment type of person? All of these things will give you insight into someone’s money mindset. Maybe there’s a red flag. Maybe there isn’t. And the same is true for financial obligations, child support, spousal support. Spoken and unspoken expectations of adult children caring for aging parents. Mortgage debt, student loan debt.
You need to be crystal clear on who owes what, to whom, when, and how often when determining financial compatibility. Two more serious red flags are, one, financial infidelity, which is lying about money to your partner. This includes lying about debt, income, hiding big purchases, like those Amazon packages. I know.
And number two, financial abuse. And financial abuse is when one partner controls the other partner’s access to money through lying, stealing, and coercion. And financial abuse is no joke. It occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases.
And to me, it’s the biggest of red flags. But ultimately, you get to determine what the red flags are. And even if you and your partner have differing views on money, that does not mean you’re financially incompatible. Once you become clear on these differences, you can begin compromising and developing solutions that work for the both of you.
Tip number two, do not leave yourself unprotected. Many people think that prenuptial agreements are for the rich rich. I disagree. Prenups don’t just look backward in time, they look forward as well. You may be broke today, but hopefully in 10 to 20 years from now, you will not be.
And the central question around most prenuptial agreements is how you will divide what you’ve accumulated during the marriage in the event of a divorce. And that’s income, debt, and assets. And I know you’re probably thinking, “I love my partner.”
“We would never screw each other over in a divorce,” says every couple that screwed each other over in a divorce. But the loving thing to do is to make those legal arrangements now. And here’s something that you may not have thought about, but you actually already have a default prenuptial agreement. Depending on where you live, it’s your state or your country’s family laws.
And wouldn’t you rather decide what’s best for your family than a judge? I have spoken to countless stay-at-home moms. They have been out of the workforce for 10 plus years. Their old work skills are obsolete. They have a huge gap on their resume and no real professional network to help them find a new job. You get $430 a month in child support, that’s the national average. That doesn’t begin to cover child care, clothes, food, shelter, medical bills. That’s why it’s important to protect yourself and your children in the event of a divorce or death.
Prenups, post-nups, estate plans are great ways to do this. Depending on the age, 50% to 64% of men will remarry within five years of being divorced or widowed. And do you want your husband’s new wife making financial decisions for your children? I don’t.
So that’s why it’s important to protect yourself and your children even if you don’t feel like you need to right now. Prenups, post-nups, estate plans, they’re like insurance. You hope you don’t need them, but if you do, you will be so happy that you have them. And if your partner has an allergic reaction to this idea, circle back to tip number one.
Do not ignore red flags. And last, but certainly not least, don’t be afraid to walk away. And it’s hard. It is so hard. And it hurts, I know. My fiancé and I met in college. We had known each other for 15 years when we broke things off. I lost my best friend when I canceled my wedding.
But you can’t let the fear of the unknown keep you in a situation that fundamentally does not work. And please, whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of calling a flag pink, rose, blush, instead of calling it the red flag that it is. And just because I left my fiancé does not mean that you have to.
Rather, the whole point of the work that I do is to prevent couples from being in the situation that I was in. And there is good news. Even if you and your partner have differing views on money, you can still have a successful relationship. Most conflict in relationships stems from not having much-needed conversations, or having conversations but ending them too soon.
I encourage you and your partner to have one courageous conversation around money this week. And I say, talk openly, honestly, and do not stop until you have reached common ground. If you can communicate about money, you can communicate about almost anything. Good communication is the key to a lifelong and fulfilling relationship.
And isn’t that what we all really want? Thank you.
