Here is the full text and summary of psychotherapist Kris Prochaska’s talk titled “How to Get Your Kids to Listen and Engage” at TEDxBend conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Sometimes I have conversations with my kids that go like this.
‘Mom, can I play on the computer?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
Because… And the four… Because why? And the four words that kill that conversation faster than you can blink? Because I said so. You know that conversation, don’t you? It’s really just a variation on the theme of not now, go ask your mother, and just do what I said.
Why is it okay for me to talk to my kids that way? When with every other adult in my life, I would never say because I said so. I would say because my gut says no, or because I have other plans, or because I tried this, and it worked for me, and I thought of you.
I talk this way to other adults because I respect them. I see them as equal, as having a stake in the conversation, and deserving of something more than a one-sided conversation, like because I said so. I assume you’re having respectful conversations with the adults in your life too, and if you’re not, I’m guessing those interactions don’t feel so good.
So why is it that we think it’s okay to talk to our kids like this? Or when is it? When do kids become deserving of more than just a pat answer? Is it when they start puberty, when they learn to drive, when they vote for president? Is it their level of education, their life experience? Why don’t we see kids this way? Don’t they have a stake in the conversation too?
What if you and your child have equal value, neither of you better or less than the other?
Why don’t we see our kids as equal?
Here are a few reasons that I came up with, and I’m embarrassed to say that during my 10-year parenting career, I think I’ve said or thought just about all of them. I’m the adult, you’re the child, I know better. Don’t ask me right now, I’m too busy, just do what I said, I don’t have time to explain it.
Why bother? Kids never listen anyway. That’s how I was talked to, that’s just how you talk to kids. Or I don’t think kids understand if you were to explain it, they’re too young.
I’m the adult, you’re the child, you got to listen to me. What are the potential long-term consequences of talking to our kids with this orientation? In my work with my clients who are finding their natural genius, their authentic voice, several themes arise over and over again.
They sound like this, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what’s best for me. What I want and need doesn’t matter, what I have to say doesn’t count. I want to get it right, I don’t want to be wrong, so I’m scared to just start it. An overarching pattern that I see in their lives is that they accommodate everyone else at their own expense.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend some time with some students here at Bend High and I asked them, why do you think your parents don’t see you as equal? And they gave me a lot of different answers, but there were three that stuck out. One of them was, ‘I don’t think they’re paying attention, I think they’re on autopilot, they don’t care.’
Another one said, ‘They’re lying.’ I said, ‘They’re lying, tell me more about that?’ Well they say you can’t do this or do that or say this or say that, but then they go ahead and do it themselves. I said, oh, so they’re a hypocrite, and they said, no, they’re a liar, I’ll give you that.
And finally, the last one was this attitude of, oh, I already know where you’re going with this, I’ve been down this road before, you just need to listen to me because I’ve already been there. But what if we saw our kids as just foraging on this road for the first time, that they’re asking questions of us, and they’re seeking validation because they need navigation. I told those kids I was scared as hell to stand on this spot today because I was afraid, I’m afraid I would forget and screw up, which I already got that out of the way, so that’s good.
But I was scared because I was afraid this idea didn’t matter, that it didn’t have value, and I felt a lot like my clients feel. I was scared because this idea of equality is still changing me. It touches something deep and raw and vulnerable in me. Something where I’d like to believe that I always saw my kids as equal to me in value, but I realized that I don’t always speak to them that way.
I saw parenting as a role, not a relationship, and certainly not a relationship of equality, but more like, I’m the mom, just listen. What if you saw your kids not as empty vessels to fill with all your wisdom and knowledge, and that if they didn’t follow it, you somehow failed?
Or that their behavior is a poor reflection upon you, and instead perceive them as individual sovereign beings who have inherent value and preferences? What if, instead of feeling like you had to have all the answers, you said, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’m pretty sure we can figure it out together.
What if, instead of blaming your parents for what you didn’t get when you were growing up, you looked at your kid and you just gave it to them anyway? How would your interactions go if you saw your kid as integral to the conversation, not as a little adult, but as someone who also has something to say? What if you were willing to have radically different conversations with your kids? How would that go?
Here’s an example that I think we can all relate to from daily life, and if you don’t have kids, think about this in the context of your employees, or your colleagues, your clients, your patients, maybe even your partner or spouse. So how many of us feel like we’re just nagging people all the time? Yeah, you’re just nagging them. In my house, it’s around homework, specifically with my six-year-old, because she has a lot of homework, way more than her brother, who’s older.
And recently we had an interaction where I started to feel that tight, constricted, irritated feeling like, and I just knew what was coming. It was like, I’m in charge, just do the homework. And I used this cue as, you know, a signal to myself to stop and take a deep breath.
I sat on the step, I looked her in the eye, I said, honey, what happens when you do your homework? My teacher checks it at recess. What do you think will happen if you don’t do your homework? Love to stay in at recess and do it. Do you want to do it now or at recess? Now.
It was done like that. And all I had to do was point out her options. She made the decision. She took responsibility for it. So the next time you feel like, because I said so, or some variation on the theme is coming out of your mouth, stop, take a deep breath. Notice the space between you and the other. Look them in the eye.
Notice that the decision doesn’t rest solely on your shoulders. There’s another person there and they have a stake in the conversation too. I’ve been asking myself a couple of questions recently, and I invite you to ask yourself the same questions. What would stop me from having a radically different conversation with my kid right here, right now? What would stop me from seeing my kid as equal? Make the next interaction you have with your child one that lets them know that you value their voice too.
Thank you.
Want a summary of this talk? Here it is.
SUMMARY:
Kris Prochaska’s talk, titled “How to Get Your Kids to Listen and Engage,” delves into the way parents communicate with their children and emphasizes the importance of treating kids as equals in conversations. Here are the key points from her talk:
1. “Because I Said So” Mentality: Prochaska begins by highlighting a common interaction between parents and children, where children’s questions are met with the dismissive response, “Because I said so.” She questions why adults would never talk to other adults this way but often resort to it with their children.
2. Respect and Equality: Prochaska challenges the prevailing notion that adults are inherently superior to children, emphasizing the need for respect in parent-child conversations. She argues that children, despite their age and experience, deserve equal respect and value in conversations.
3. Common Parenting Excuses: The speaker acknowledges that she herself has used various excuses in parenting, such as being too busy or assuming that kids wouldn’t understand. She suggests that these excuses undermine children’s sense of value and their need for guidance.
4. Consequences of Unequal Conversations: Prochaska explores the long-term consequences of talking down to children. She explains how this approach can lead children to feel unheard, unimportant, and fearful of making decisions, ultimately causing them to accommodate others at their own expense.
5. Teen Perspective: The speaker shares insights from discussions with teenagers, where they express feeling ignored, deceived, and not taken seriously by their parents. This disconnect often arises from parents’ preconceived notions and past experiences.
6. Changing the Paradigm: Prochaska encourages parents to see their children as independent beings with unique preferences, rather than as empty vessels to be filled with wisdom. She suggests that parents adopt an attitude of curiosity and collaboration in their interactions.
7. Practical Example: The speaker provides a real-life example of a more respectful conversation with her child, focusing on offering choices and encouraging decision-making. This approach fosters a sense of responsibility and empowerment in children.
8. Practical Steps: Prochaska advises parents to pause before resorting to authoritarian responses, take a deep breath, and engage in a more equitable conversation. She urges parents to recognize the importance of their child’s voice and make them feel valued.
9. Questions for Self-Reflection: The talk concludes with two questions for parents to ponder: “What would stop me from having a radically different conversation with my kid right here, right now?” and “What would stop me from seeing my kid as equal?” Prochaska encourages parents to initiate interactions that convey their respect and appreciation for their child’s perspective.
In summary, Kris Prochaska’s talk underscores the need for parents to treat their children as equals in conversations, emphasizing the importance of respect, open dialogue, and empowerment in parenting. By shifting from an authoritarian mindset to one of collaboration, parents can foster healthier relationships with their children, where both parties feel heard and valued.
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