Here is the full transcript and summary of Michal Dalyot’s talk titled “How To React To Your Child’s Attention-Seeking Behavior” at TEDxBeitBerlCollege conference.
In this talk, renowned child psychologist and parenting expert Michal Dalyot delves into why children seek attention, the various forms this behavior can take, and practical strategies for parents to respond effectively. Her approach combines empathy with firmness, aiming to foster healthy communication and emotional growth in children.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
I recently met the parents of an eight-year-old boy. They told me that in the past year, whenever the son is unhappy with something or he’s being told no, he reacts aggressively. They also told me that he used to be a perfect, easy-going, happy and cooperative little boy, and that the past year was filled with many changes.
His little sister began defying him as he started to grow up. He moved house. He started elementary school. His mother had a very difficult pregnancy until she finally gave birth to healthy twin girls. But slowly and surely, he began to behave badly.
They fight with him every day. He’s frustrated and he kicks the furniture. His mother is mad at him. His father is disappointed in him. And his sister is constantly being bullied by him. So his parents, like you and me, understand what’s going on. And they understand that he had a very difficult year. He’s sad, he’s jealous, he’s worried.
He thinks that he’s losing his mother. So he has all the reasons to behave badly. And when the parents came to my clinic to seek my advice, they were not only worried, but they felt helpless. They understand why their son behaves the way he does, but they don’t know what to do to help him.
Like millions of other parents, they’ve missed a very important point. Because what happens when the son behaves the way he does? His mother comes to the room, explaining, begging, shouting, threatening. Then the father comes to the room, tries to calm things down. And even if he succeeds and the boy is calmed down; ten minutes after that, he starts all over again, shouting, kicking, and to the parents once again, and so on and so forth. You get the picture.
So what the parents, like you, like many other parents, are missing is the point that instead of asking why the child behaves the way he does, what they should be talking about is what for. What is the son trying to achieve by behaving this way? What are his goals by acting that way?
Because when we will understand children’s goals and objectives, we will be much more polite and effective in our responses. I’ll give you an example. Imagine a child sitting on his little chair next to his little table, playing by himself, very busy, focusing in what he’s doing.
His mother calls him, but he doesn’t even hear her. And he goes on playing. Then the mother goes about her business, too. And she decides to pick up the phone and call a friend. Not seconds passed, not minutes, but seconds passed, and the boy comes running up to her. The same boy that just a minute ago was so disinterested in her because he was so preoccupied, now comes running up to her and he says, ‘Mom, Mom, I have something very important to tell you.’
So the mother looks at him and says, ‘Just a minute, I’m on the phone.’ But the boy repeats, ‘But mother, please, please, it is very important.’
‘But I’m on the phone,’ says the mother, ‘Wait a minute, let me finish the conversation.’ And the boy says, ‘But then I will forget.’
‘No, you won’t,’ says the mother, ‘I’ll remind you. Stop nagging.’ But the boy doesn’t stop. And he goes on talking to the mother and nagging, and please, and Mom, and pay attention. And it’s important, and the mother is going to explode. Eventually, she shouts at him, what did you want to tell me? So the child looks at her and says, um, um, um, uh, I forgot.
And it’s your blame that I forgot it. Well, it’s always our blame, isn’t it? Or he makes up a story and tells her something which she hears and she doesn’t really listen to. Then the child is told off and he goes back to his room to play by himself.
You may ask, why does this happen every day again and again? Is it because the mother is busy taking care of the young siblings and is jealous and he wants her attention? Maybe. So now we know why he behaves the way he does. But then what? Should I tell the mother not to take care of the children? Or not to talk on the phone when the child is home? And that even if we know why children behave the way they do, it doesn’t bring us any closer to the solution because this is the reality.
Parents are busy, children need to be taken care of, and we, from time to time, want to or need to make a telephone call. What the child really wanted is something else. And in order to understand what children need and want, we have to think like little children. You may leave for a minute and let me take you on a journey into the hearts and souls of little kids.
What do children want in addition to love and a sense of security, in addition to ice cream and theme parks? They want to feel that they belong. They want to know that they are a part of the community in which they live, their family, their class. They want to have a sense of belonging, and for that to happen, they must feel that they are seen and they must feel that they are able.
When we adults react and respond to the children’s behavior, we are in fact feeding and reinforcing the children’s goals.
We feed them, we make them feel that they are able. When the mother is repeatedly answering the child, hence being seen. Mommy’s looking at me and she’s talking to me.
And when the mother is losing control, losing temper, and then she lost control over herself and over the child, hence being able. I can make my mother lose control. Children will be willing to suffer slightly. You know what? They will be willing to suffer a lot to satisfy, if they can satisfy, their needs. Those goals of being seen and being able, that feeds the necessity of children to belong, to feel that they belong, those goals are important and necessary. It’s the strategy that is wrong.
So what can be done? How can we help children change their behavior? First, by understanding that we have to look at ourselves. We have to realize how we respond to children and in this response, in those ways that we react towards them, we are actually feeding the continuous of their behavior. Now, we don’t ignore children.
Children should not be ignored, even if they misbehave. We can ignore a behavior, but not the child. So when you’re on the phone and your child comes to you and nags, look at him, smile at him, put your hand on his shoulder, but don’t answer him. That way, you react to the child’s presence, but not to their behavior.
And most importantly, and something else that we can do, is in the positive way, fulfill your children’s need of being seen and being able in positive ways. Put on your rose-colored glasses and start complimenting your children when they’re well-behaved without exaggerating and without lying, even once a day or every other day. And don’t say empty phrases like, good job, no. Say words like, I saw you were generous, responsible, patient, I saw you gave in, or you did not give in.
When we’ll do that, children won’t need to behave badly in order to fill those feelings, those needs of being seen and being able. So, next time that your child is rude to you or saying no when he kicks the cupboards or doesn’t answer you when you call him, pay attention to your reaction, try to understand how your reaction fulfills the children’s goals and aims of being seen and being able.
And then, one, understand that they’re not doing it to defy you, they’re doing it to help themselves, but going about it the wrong way. Then two, don’t feed those bad behaviors by your automatic and repetitive reactions.
And three, fulfill the needs when they’re well-behaved. So, next time you ask yourself, why? Think about what for, instead. Thank you.
SUMMARY OF THIS TALK:
Michal Dalyot’s talk, “How To React To Your Child’s Attention-Seeking Behavior,” offers insights into understanding and addressing children’s behavior. Here’s a summary in key takeaway points:
Understanding the Root Causes of Behavior: Dalyot begins with an example of an eight-year-old boy whose behavior changed dramatically due to various life changes, including moving house, starting school, and the birth of siblings. This example illustrates how children’s behavior is often a reaction to their circumstances.
Identifying the Real Issue: Parents often miss the point by focusing on why a child behaves a certain way, instead of what they are trying to achieve through their behavior. Understanding a child’s goals and objectives is crucial for an effective response.
Children’s Need for Attention: Dalyot uses an example of a child interrupting his mother’s phone call to illustrate how children seek attention. They need to feel seen and heard, and when these needs are not met, they may resort to attention-seeking behaviors.
The Importance of Belonging: Children want to feel that they belong and are a part of their community, whether it’s their family or school class. This sense of belonging comes from feeling seen and capable.
Parents’ Reactions Reinforce Behavior: The way adults respond to children’s behavior can inadvertently reinforce their actions. For example, if a parent consistently reacts strongly to a child’s misbehavior, it may encourage the child to continue acting out.
Distinguishing Child from Behavior: Dalyot emphasizes that while it’s okay to ignore bad behavior, it’s not okay to ignore the child. Parents should acknowledge the child’s presence but not necessarily respond to every misbehavior.
Positive Reinforcement: Complimenting and acknowledging children when they exhibit good behavior is essential. Specific and sincere praise for behaviors like generosity or patience can fulfill their need to feel seen and capable, reducing the likelihood of misbehavior.
Self-reflection for Parents: Parents should reflect on their own reactions to their children’s behavior. Understanding how these reactions may fulfill or reinforce the child’s underlying needs and goals is critical.
Behavioral Strategies: Dalyot advises parents to think about the child’s underlying needs when they misbehave. Instead of asking “why” they behave in a certain way, consider “what for.” This shift in perspective can lead to more effective parenting strategies.
Fulfilling Children’s Needs Positively: The talk concludes with a call to action for parents to fulfill their children’s needs for attention and validation in positive ways, particularly when they behave well, to prevent negative attention-seeking behaviors.
Dalyot’s talk emphasizes the importance of understanding the underlying motivations behind a child’s behavior and adjusting parental responses accordingly. By focusing on the child’s need to feel seen and capable, parents can more effectively address and redirect attention-seeking behavior.