Here is the full transcript of Renee St Jacques’ talk titled “3 Steps to Heal Your Relationships And Take Accountability” at TEDxFiesole conference.
In this TEDx talk, psychologist and executive coach Renee St Jacques explores the idea of “radical ownership,” a concept she developed to address the world’s challenges like division, racism, and climate collapse. She argues that the root of many problems lies in a failure to fully acknowledge and take responsibility for our actions, highlighting three crucial elements: awareness, acknowledgment, and action.
Through personal anecdotes, including family experiences and professional insights, she illustrates how avoiding accountability leads to negative impacts. The talk emphasizes the transformative power of radical ownership in both personal and global contexts, urging listeners to embrace accountability for a more harmonious and equitable future.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
You know how people say that psychologists go into psychology to deal with their own issues? Well, I’m one of those. Just as psychology gave me clarity and a path towards healing, I believe psychology can give us insights to help us heal our world today. I think I have a pretty unique vantage point because for a living, I listen to people’s problems and I listen to their pain.
Oftentimes, their pain is caused by other people excusing their actions even when it hurts. I’ve experienced it too. But beneath pain is always unmet need. And when I look at the world around us, brimming with horrible division, climate collapse, racism, inequity, and trauma, there seems to be something fundamentally missing.
The Need for Radical Ownership
I believe it’s ownership. Actually, I think the world needs radical ownership. A term I’ve come up with to capture my theory of our need to be accountable for our actions. Why do we need radical ownership? I think the world is missing radical ownership in three ways or three A’s: Awareness, acknowledgement, and action. First awareness. Too often as humans, we are unaware of the ways that our choices can cause a negative impact despite our benign intentions.
Take little Min and Johnny. Min cries, “Mommy, mommy, Johnny hit me.” And Johnny says, “Well, that was an accident. I didn’t mean to hit you.” Sound familiar, parents? Well, Johnny thinks that because his intentions are good, he didn’t want to hurt Min, then his impact doesn’t matter. We’ve all experienced and done this.
Acknowledgement and Action
Second, acknowledgement. Instead of validating our impact, we defend our intentions instead, which of course makes the whole thing worse. And lastly, action. This all leads to greater negative impact because we aren’t willing to be accountable and take action to repair things. It is radical to go against our natural inclinations of defensiveness, avoidance, and inaction. But I truly believe that we cannot look forward to build a more sustainable, equitable, and harmonious future if we’re not willing to look inward.
Personal Reflections
My passion for this topic started at an early age when I, in a way, became a student of human behavior, observing hurtful patterns at play within my family. I remember it so vividly. My younger brother, sister, and I were out on our bikes in front of our home at the end of our street. As every car came past us, we would wave our arms frantically, desperately hopeful that one of them would be our dad.
But as every car passed us to their families, we stood there speechless. Dad wasn’t coming home early for dinner. Not yesterday and not today. Perhaps my dad had the good intentions of working late to provide, but to this day, I doubt he had the first A of radical ownership, the awareness to know that we were waiting, let alone how sad we felt. Harm is still there whether we want to see it or not. Intentions don’t negate impact.
The Power of Acknowledgement
But here’s what could have happened instead. Imagine for a moment the person who hurt you the most looking you in the eye and saying, “Despite my intentions, I really hurt you and that’s on me.” That would have been a game changer. We need radical ownership because we first need awareness and second, let me illustrate how we need acknowledgment of that impact without defensiveness.
After years of not coming home for dinner, my dad stopped coming home at all and eventually filed for divorce. I saw my mom struggle to come up with the money for our basic needs, often paying for things in coins. But my mom refused child support because she didn’t want us kids watching mom and dad fight over money. To make matters worse, my mom was out of work.
We had to survive somehow. And I remember at 13 years old, I was the one that I had to pick up the phone and through tears beg my dad for the money. But years later, when I tried to talk to my mom about those times, she said, “But I have to sacrifice so much.” Ouch. Too often as humans, me included, when we are confronted by the ways that we cause harm, we either avoid or we defend.
Embracing Radical Ownership
We don’t want to hear and see others. We want to be heard and seen first. We value right versus wrong arguments instead of setting those aside and saying, “Tell me more. I want to understand.” But I believe there is a better way. This could be a two-way street where I validate the good intentions of my mother and she acknowledges without defensiveness, the second A of radical ownership, what that was like for me.
When someone comes to us and says they were affected by our actions, we don’t have to agree, but we must acknowledge. We need radical ownership because we first need awareness, second, acknowledgment without defensiveness, and lastly, that brings me to the final A, action.
When I walked down the aisle on my wedding day, I walked alone. Despite a lifetime of his absence, I dreamt of the day that my dad would be there for me just this once.