Here is the full transcript of Bela Gandhi’s talk titled “The Big Secret To Finding Lasting Love” at TEDxChicago 2021 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Wrong Checklist for Love
So how many people have fallen in love with the wrong person at some point in your life? And by show of hands, the majority of us, but if you think about it, choosing partners is something that we’re never taught how to do. We’re just expected to know how, right? Well, when I was in business school, I realized I just sort of knew how I had to think, and I would help my friends find good partners, fall in love, and nothing made me happier.
I kept doing it and doing it, so much so that 12 years later, I pulled the plug on a big, safe career to follow my heart and start my company, which helps people to fix their hearts. We’ve helped thousands of singles find lasting, happy love in a way that they just weren’t able to do before, and we’ve had zero divorces to this day. Now, as you can imagine, we’ve learned some pretty compelling things along the way, and one of them is that people are dating by using a checklist, shocking.
The Wrong Qualities
Now, when I ask women, “What’s the number one thing that you’re looking for in your future dream guy?” they say, “Tall, preferably over six feet.” And when I ask men the same question, they say, “Attractive.” Now, how’s that working out for us? Not so well if you look at the data, and we do look at the data: 50% of first marriages end in divorce in the US, 67% of second marriages, and 74% of third marriages. Almost the majority of us are using the wrong checklist.
Tall and attractive are a good start, but they’re not what it takes to find lasting love.
A Better List
So what we’ve discovered is a better way, dare I say a better list, to helping people find that love, and this works no matter who you are or who you are looking for, because love is love. And this is what we taught Anna. When Anna came to us, she came to us after a terrible breakup. She thought her ex of two years was the one, and when he broke up with her suddenly, she was crushed and heartbroken, and she wanted to make sure that this never happened to her again.
So the first thing I wanted to do with Anna was figure out what that list was that was in her head. So I asked her, “Anna, tell me about your dream guy,” and I’m gonna make a list. And so she said, “Oh, that’s great. He’s tall. He’s over six two.”
Of course he is. He makes more money than me. He has a great job. He’s fit. He has hair. He’s adventurous. And her list went on to include 34 more items. Now, lest you think that Anna’s list is unique, it’s not. I’ve interviewed thousands of women, and 95% of them have virtually the same dream list.
Elevator People
So we finished that list, and now I ask Anna a second question, a more important question: “Who are the people in your life that make you really happy?” And I start a second list. And she thought a second and she says, “Okay, my best friend Laura, because she is always there for me. I can tell her anything with no judgment, and she is so supportive. And my brother Michael. He loves me unconditionally. He sees the best in me. He tells me—he’s like my own personal cheerleader. And my friend Catherine. She’s positive, but she’s so real with me, and she tells me what I need to hear.” And her list goes on.
And I look over at her, and there are silent tears streaming down her face. And she said, “God, I’ve never thought about these people in this way before. They make me so happy. I don’t know what I would do without them.”
What Anna didn’t realize that she was doing with describing what we call “elevator people.” We call them elevator people because, like an elevator, they lift us up and they elevate us, and like an elevator, they keep us grounded and safe. Elevator people in our lives are the creme de la creme of the relationships that we have that keep us happy, grounded, and alive.
So now I show Anna the two lists that we’ve made side by side, and I see her eyes start to widen. All of her exes met the criteria of her dream guy list, but she had never stopped to think about, “How do they make me feel? Do they feel like the relationships that make me happiest?” And the light bulb went on for her. She had been dating for what she wanted in a partner, but not what she needed to be happy, and that’s the moment that everything changed for Anna and her dating life, and that is the moment that everything can change for anyone that wants to find lasting love.
Now, this might sound natural and intuitive and obvious, but it isn’t. Less than two percent of people ever put even one elevator quality on their dream list. Now, why is that?
Evolution and Attraction
Well, because of evolution, right? We are wired biologically to preference the traits that we do on our dream list. Back in the cave day, women were looking for the big, strong caveman that could hunt buffalo, kill it, bring it home, feed the village, and today, what do we preference? Tall as number one. And men were looking for cave women that were younger and could make it through multiple painful childbirths and keep a good home, and younger persists on their dream list today.
Now, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with tall or younger or attractive. Attraction is really important in romantic relationships. But what I am saying is, when you choose for the qualities that make you happiest in your romantic relationships, it will lead to the best, most soulful love of your life. How couldn’t it?
Anna’s Happy Ending
And so what happened to our friend Anna? So it took her a minute to start dating in this new way, to stop relying on that old dream list and to start dating people to see how they made her feel. Did they make her feel like the people in her life that made her happiest? And the good news is, she met him. He is always there for her. He is her own personal cheerleader. He is supportive, he is positive, and he’s cute.
He’s smart. He has a good job, but he’s only five foot nine, because we convinced her, everybody is the same height lying down, if you know what I mean. So they’re all good there. And they still count their blessings every day that they’ve met each other.
Choosing Elevator People
People often call me a psychotic optimist because I believe with every cell in my being that love exists for every single person that wants it. I see beautiful stories happen when we consciously start to choose people that make us happy. Imagine if we all sat down and made our elevator list and understood what makes us happiest in our deepest relationships.
And then imagine if we looked at that list, and we became elevator people to our partners, to our spouses, to our families, to our friends, to our colleagues. Imagine how much more love would be in the world. Imagine what divorce rates could look like.
And imagine if we all started to choose elevator people to fall in love with romantically. Heck, that might put me out of a job, but I love love, and nothing would make me happier. Thank you.