Call Her Daddy Podcast: w/ Shay Mitchell (Transcript)

Let’s see what that’s like. But as long as I was in control and, like, you know, it was my decision to do things and, like, I felt comfortable, I was good to go.

ALEX COOPER: You were good to go.

SHAY MITCHELL: So I like, yeah.

ALEX COOPER: Do you have a type?

SHAY MITCHELL: Not at all. Not at all. I have zero type.

ALEX COOPER: Really?

SHAY MITCHELL: Zero type. If you were to look, I like the trajectory of my past. There is no type. It’s a vibe.

ALEX COOPER: I love it.

SHAY MITCHELL: It’s a vibe. It really is.

ALEX COOPER: Okay. What kind of vibe? What do you need, though?

SHAY MITCHELL: I need confidence, but not cockiness. And that is something I need somebody who is, like, respectful and like a good human. And that’s just like, truthfully, I feel like I’ve been in maybe, like, I’ve experienced, like, a couple bad ones. That’s it. Out of, like, a bunch.

ALEX COOPER: I’m curious if all of your exes were, like, having a text thread. What is—you’re like, oh, God. Shay, like, loves it. She’s like, oh. Like, what are they saying? What do you think that they would be like about you? Like, was there any theme after relationships?

SHAY MITCHELL: She knew what she wanted. I think that would be like, the group chat. Like, she knew what she wanted. That’s what I think everybody would say. And I actually have really good—there’s, you know, again, aside from a few, like, I really have awesome experiences from my past and they were great guys. We just weren’t right for each other.

Pretty Little Liars & Career Turning Points

ALEX COOPER: We all know you, like, originally. Originally you popped off Pretty Little Liars. And I want to talk to you lightly about Pretty Little Liars because I can imagine. I don’t want to say you’re, like, annoyed by talking about it, but that was 13 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, I’m sure in every interview you do, people want to talk to you about it. How does that make you feel?

SHAY MITCHELL: Okay. You know why? Because that’s what gave me my start. And I will never forget that, and I will never look down on that. Pretty Little Liars was the biggest turning point in my life. I was doing bottle service before that, and when I booked this job, it changed my life forever.

And it gave me the opportunities and the experiences that I’ve had, and I owe everything. I’m like, I still talk to Marlene King all the time. And I’m like, thank you for saying yes. And that callback, you know, and, like, it changed my life. I could never talk badly about it, and I love it. And I love, you know, when they do the spinoffs, and I’m always like, that’s amazing. That’s awesome.

I love the fact that I was a part of so, so many people’s lives in a really important part. Like, for me, like, watching the OC, like, that was my thing, you know, Gossip Girl, that was my thing. So when people come up and they’re like, “I loved you. You know, I grew up with you,” I’m like, that’s awesome. And the fact that I got to play the character that I did is like, even more amazing.

Playing Queer Characters & Rejecting Labels

ALEX COOPER: Well, yeah. You have now played how many queer characters in your career?

SHAY MITCHELL: Almost all of them. Maybe I was just, like, meant to be. I’m, like, a vehicle to, like, tell their stories. But I also feel like I have never also put myself in a category. And not one. I don’t love a label. I don’t love a title.

ALEX COOPER: Mm.

SHAY MITCHELL: Like, I don’t want to label my sexuality. I don’t want to label my relationship. I don’t. Like, I never wanted to be a wife. Like, I don’t. I don’t. I don’t want to be put in a category.

ALEX COOPER: Why do you think that is?

SHAY MITCHELL: I just want to be free. Like, I just want to be me, whatever that is. And, like, right now, I’m in a relationship with a man, and I don’t—that’s cool. And it’s amazing, but, like, in five or 10 years, I don’t know.

ALEX COOPER: Could be a woman.

SHAY MITCHELL: Could be. Like, I just—I never know, and I never want to put myself in a position where I feel, like, constricted.

ALEX COOPER: Yeah. Did you—have you ever kissed a girl before you took on the Emily role in Pretty Little Liars? You had?

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah, I had an experience before playing these characters. Yeah. It wasn’t like, oh, I’m playing this character. Let me see how this feels. And that was the thing when people were like, “How do you know how to play this if you haven’t been in a relationship with a girl?” Like, what? How do I know what it’s like to, like, somebody loves? Like, I hate those questions.

And that’s what I would always get. Like, “How do you know how it feels?” Or, like, “How can you play this character if you’re not a lesbian?” Like, what? I don’t know. I know what it’s like to like somebody. It’s the same sh*t, right?

ALEX COOPER: And I feel like we felt that in your character where, like, you are so confident in that role that I think it probably does help a lot of people watching you on screen, being like, I want to be like that. I want to emulate that energy of just, like, confidence in still such a hetero world that we’re in. Like, it’s still not completely accepted, which is so fed. And for you to be like, I don’t give a f.

SHAY MITCHELL: There’s so much stuff that I do that’s not accepted. Like, I really obviously aren’t. Like, I’m not one to stand by tradition.

ALEX COOPER: Like, let’s talk about that. Okay, let’s talk about that.

SHAY MITCHELL: My hands are freezing. I wish I—

ALEX COOPER: You know what? I should have brought the whole—let’s try it because.

SHAY MITCHELL: Mm.

ALEX COOPER: Let’s do a little breakfast. That was a loud gulp.

SHAY MITCHELL: Wow, I’m impressed. That’s okay.

ALEX COOPER: But you’re not going to eat the pomegranate, are you?

SHAY MITCHELL: No, I’m going to pour more into it.

ALEX COOPER: I got it right here, guys. I just knew. Shay Mitchell, the media train queen.

SHAY MITCHELL: Media train queen.

ALEX COOPER: That’s what Kate said to me.

SHAY MITCHELL: Media.

ALEX COOPER: Oh, she’s media trained. She will swerve your questions.

SHAY MITCHELL: I’m like, yeah, for the first 15 minutes.

ALEX COOPER: Then I’m going to sauce her up. That’s like the complete opposite of like what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m like, I’ll just get her a little drunk and then I’ll ask her all the hard questions. I love it.

SHAY MITCHELL: I also did say let’s just tell everybody. There was no question. There was no question. That was—there was no topic that was off.

ALEX COOPER: You did say that, right? Okay.

SHAY MITCHELL: Thank you.

Let’s Talk About Your Relationship

ALEX COOPER: Okay. You’re welcome. Okay. Wow. My hand got like koozies. Okay. Let’s talk about your relationship.

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah, what one? No, I mean like what kind? Like what’s your feeling?

ALEX COOPER: Just joking. You’re slowly unbuttoning. I know what one your partner did. You when you were thinking about how you were going to ask me this, were you like what do I call him?

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah. And you know what’s interesting is I want to ask you, is the term baby daddy insulting to you? Because I feel like Nick Cannon really has put a little downer on that one for everyone. No one wants to be called a baby daddy anymore. So it’s insulting to you.

ALEX COOPER: It’s not insulting. Listen. It’s not insulting. No. Because he’s more than. He’s more than my baby daddy. He’s not Nick Cannon. He’s more than my baby daddy. And so I think that there is, like, I love the word partner. Some people don’t.

SHAY MITCHELL: Some people don’t love that.

ALEX COOPER: Like, you’re never going to please anybody, so let’s just get that out of the way.

SHAY MITCHELL: Totally.

ALEX COOPER: For me, I like the term partner. He is my partner. He’s my partner in a lot of things. He helps me with so much with my business. Obviously, we’re partners in raising our girls together. He’s my partner in life that we’re living right now, and I like it.

SHAY MITCHELL: How does he feel about the term partner?

ALEX COOPER: I don’t know if he loves it. I don’t know if he loves it. You know, sometimes he’ll be on calls, and he’s like, “my wife.” And I’m like, what? You know, and I’m always like, not. Because I’m like, I want it. Like, I’m like.

SHAY MITCHELL: Why do you think that is?

ALEX COOPER: Why? I don’t like the word why.

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah.

ALEX COOPER: I don’t know. I just, like, I’m not. And he’s on my. Like, I don’t know.

SHAY MITCHELL: Your partner. I love.

ALEX COOPER: Like, I think, like, girlfriend is cute. And, like, I. We met when I was 19, and I love that, like, we weren’t girlfriend and boyfriend at that point. But I love the.

SHAY MITCHELL: I love.

ALEX COOPER: I love that. Like, I’m like. I’m, like, his girlfriend. Like, we are friends.

SHAY MITCHELL: So you have two kids together?

ALEX COOPER: Two girls.

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah. But you met and you were friends first?

ALEX COOPER: Yeah, when I was 19.

SHAY MITCHELL: How did you transition from friends to relationship?

From Friends to Partners

ALEX COOPER: It’s been a lot of years. I met him, actually, when I was doing bottle service at Drake’s birthday. Like, Drake’s, like, 21st birthday in Toronto. We’re from Toronto, so I was doing bottle service there, and we met. And we didn’t start dating right away. Like, we were just talking. We found out that we were neighbors and we started hanging out. I’d go to his basketball games. Like, we just started hanging out as friends.

And then, you know, we tried to, like, make it work in more than a friend way. Didn’t. We tried it a couple times, and then we took some time apart, and then I think it was like four or five years or something. And then randomly, a mutual friend just kind of connected us together, and it was like, third time’s a charm.

SHAY MITCHELL: When you started getting serious and, like, even when you got pregnant, like, did you have to have a conversation with him to be like, I don’t ever want to get married?

ALEX COOPER: I think we had that conversation. Like, even when we were friends, I think I always spoke about my feelings. And I will never say, like, never say never about anything, but I just was never that girl of, like, who had a Pinterest board of her wedding. I never did.

And my parents have been married for, like, 38, maybe even 40 years, and they’ve had an amazing relationship, but it just wasn’t something that I wanted. I didn’t feel the need to, like, I didn’t feel that a piece of paper and a big celebration and a ring would, like, justify my love. Like, yeah, it’s.

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah. No, but I like that you’re saying it, because I was sitting here thinking, like, I think there’s some people, when they listen to that, of you, are like, wow, like, that’s so interesting and, like, really crazy. And I’m like, if a man was saying that, they’d be like, oh, he never thought he was going to get married. Like, okay, dope. I like that you’re saying it, though, because it’s really healthy to not just keep doing what the f* came before us and not questioning it.

ALEX COOPER: There is a trend, because there’s more people that aren’t getting married now, like, since the 1970s. I think it’s like a. The age is getting later on, which I love, because I think similar to how we have to hit a certain age to drink and drive. We are developing so much in our 20s, and we are learning who we are.

And when you get together and you’re married, you grow as a unit, you know, and sometimes that’s great, but sometimes it’s detrimental to your own development.

SHAY MITCHELL: Totally.

ALEX COOPER: And I think the reason why I’ve been very lucky to be in, for the most cases, great relationships is because I’ve always felt pretty secure and confident with who I was first before getting into a relationship. And I think that with marriage, sometimes you’re more concerned about how you guys are both growing. You’re trying to help him lift up. When at that point in your early 20s, you need to get your own self out, and you need to figure out yourself.

That’s not to say that it can’t work in your 20s for all of those people. I love it and amazing, but I feel like for me, it just wasn’t necessary. And that’s not to say that I don’t believe in something. I like, hey, I’d love to have a commitment ceremony maybe in, like, I don’t know, 10 years, whatever the. Like, if it ever happens, I could look at him and be like, hey, we should have a celebration. Because we just did that. Look at our girls. Or like, in high school and, like, we crushed it. We went through storms and we are here and we are standing and we’re like, high five. Because we just did that.

Like, let’s make a commitment to this family and to raising these girls and our kids at that, whatever. But, like, I would be all up for that because sometimes I think the celebration happens before you’ve even been through some storms, you know.

SHAY MITCHELL: I f*ing love it because it’s basically you’re saying, like, do whatever feels good for you and, like, we can make up new shit. Take a sip. Matt works with Drake.

ALEX COOPER: Yeah.

SHAY MITCHELL: And when I think about that, you know, he goes on tour with him, right?

Trust and Communication on the Road

ALEX COOPER: He’s on his, like, management team. He, like, a lot of the creative is from him. Like, he’s like a creative genius, truthfully.

SHAY MITCHELL: So he’s like, in the world. That is, like, he’s traveling, he’s with all these people. There’s parties, there’s girls around. There’s a lot happening. How does it feel? Or how do you handle when he’s, like, away and, like, at these parties and at these events and you’re sitting at home with the kids being like, I wonder what he’s doing. And I’m not talking recently. Take me back to, like, more beginning stages of, like, building trust around this type of lifestyle.

ALEX COOPER: Yeah. I mean, it is 100% hard. Like, I can’t be like, it’s fine. I don’t feel a thing. No, it’s hard, but it’s hard because I care. Yeah, it’s hard because I love what we have, you know what I mean? So, yeah, it’s like, it’s difficult.

But then at the same time, I’m like, we just talked and they’re away in South America, and I’m like, are you having fun? What are you guys doing? Like, there’s also that element because I feel like in the same way that I have with my friendships, like, those are so successful because I trust them and there’s communication. Not that it’s the same, but, like, there’s trust and there’s communication with us, and it’s not always perfect by any means, but there has to be trust.

And I can’t think about other scenarios or, like, think about hypothetical situations if it ever were to come out or anything. There’s, like, deceivement, any of that, then, like, I’ll deal with it then.

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah.

ALEX COOPER: But I also can’t live my life worrying about what he’s doing. He is living his own life. We are two individuals that have come together and chosen to, like, have kids together and, like, have a family together. But at the same time, he is, like, doing his own thing. And I love that for him. Like, he’s having fun. He’s crushing it. He’s so good at what he does. And I love that he’s with his friends, getting to work and have fun, you know?

SHAY MITCHELL: Totally.

ALEX COOPER: So I love that. But, like, as long as there is communication, once that is broken for me, then it’s done. And that’s. That’s a known thing that we have. So as long as he knows that and I know that, like, I feel like we’re good.

SHAY MITCHELL: I dated an athlete. I love how I. Singular, plural. I dated athletes in the past, and I found myself, like, in moments, being the same as you. Of, like, what do I give a f? Like, I’m fing sitting here with my girlfriends. We’re at it. We’re having a great time, like, and he’s going to do what he’s going to do.

But then there are, like, the spiral moments. I remember I used to if he was, like, in Milwaukee or f*ing Texas or Milwaukee. Yeah. They always would go to, like, the worst places. But that’s when I know, like, you’re desperate. Like, you’re going to find some type of, like. So I would always be like, oh, if they’re going out tonight, I would, like, spiral and, like, look up, like, the bar that I knew they were at. And then I would go to, like, the Instagram, and then I would be like, oh, who’s, like, at the bar? And if they tagged anyone, I would go to that girl’s Instagram and, like, look for him in the background and then be like, oh, my God, there he is.

Like, he’s standing next to that girl. Like, he’s really close to that. What’s happening? And then I would text him, be like, hey, like, how’s your night? And, like, it’s a normal. Like, I always used to be embarrassed to admit that. And I was like, I was in love with this person. I was in a relationship with this person, and I cared about this person. And I think jealousy and anxiety in relationships is. Can be normal depending on, like, the level of it.

ALEX COOPER: Sure.

SHAY MITCHELL: So I’m wondering, like, because this is like a very public, touring facing situation, how do you not spiral in moments? And I don’t even mean now. I mean, like, beginning of, like, for sure.

ALEX COOPER: Absolutely. I can’t. I could not return. I did the exact same thing back in the day. I would say, for sure. In my 20s, I fully get you. I could do the exact same thing.

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah.

Trusting Your Partner and Letting Go of Control

SHAY MITCHELL: But it got to a point where I was like, okay, so if he did, then what? Or if anybody at that point, that was it. If he did, then what? Yeah, I’ll be okay. I’ll keep it moving. And it wasn’t meant to be, but that is how I live my life.

And once you think about it like that, I don’t want that. Then if you can take him from me, then he’s yours, I’m good, and I can keep it moving, be there for my kids or that’s another story. But in terms of us, then our story ends, and that’s okay. I still have my life to live.

I cannot live my life like I did in my 20s, because I did do that. And it’s like, for what? I wasted so many sleepless nights for what? Did that change how he acted? No. The guys, the girls, whatever. We’re going to do what we’re going to do regardless. If you’re staying up at night, not sleeping, stalking an Instagram, he’s still going to do what he’s going to do.

He’s not going to be like, “Well, Alex is probably up looking at the club’s Instagram, trying to zoom into this.” That’s not going to stop him. So what does that… You just lose sleep?

ALEX COOPER: You’re so right. F*. Okay, I’m not going to worry about it.

SHAY MITCHELL: Before it happens. If you do it, then we deal and I’ll figure out co-parenting, but then it is. And I hope you’re happy. And I genuinely mean that. I want you to be happy. Because I feel like when you truly love somebody, you want them to live their happiest life. And I do. And if that’s not with me, I don’t want to force that.

ALEX COOPER: I love this energy too, because I feel like I’ve said this on my show. It’s like, I know there’s so many people. I always just say women, because I know women listen to this podcast the most. I’m like, hi, ladies.

SHAY MITCHELL: There’s a lot of guys. You think you have a few. You have a video component to it.

ALEX COOPER: It’s got the little T too sappy that they’re like, okay. There’s no more full sex. You talking about the d going into the p. I’m fing out. I’m like, okay, pervs.

I think I’ve had a lot of conversations on this podcast, trying to… When women write in being like, “I’m so in love with this person.” And I love your advice, too, because I know Kate has always said you are almost like the friend therapist. All your friends go to you.

And I feel similar with my friend group of, you have to almost back out of it and look at it from a third POV of, what would you tell your friend? And I feel like a lot of women listen to this podcast being like, “Yeah, but Shay, I’m so in love with him. But I just had that feeling almost every time. He’s always doing boys nights. He’s always kind of out. And I just feel like I’m not fully a part of those moments. And I sit at home. But when we’re together, our relationship is great, but he makes me feel really insecure. What do I do?”

Loving Yourself First

SHAY MITCHELL: You need to be in love with yourself more then. You need to love yourself more. Because I would tell my daughters, you shouldn’t be doing that. I don’t want them having a million sleepless nights. A couple are fine. It’s healthy. Whatever, we get it. But you shouldn’t be feeling that way in a healthy relationship. And if you are, then maybe it isn’t the right one.

I don’t want to constantly be living in a state of anxiety, wondering where they are, what they’re doing. I actually love the fact that he’s traveling with the biggest person. And you get to see all of that, and if you still come back, then I’m the baddest b. You know what I mean? That’s what I feel like. And if I don’t, then cool, go be with her. And then I’ll keep it moving, too. It just wasn’t meant to be.

And I’m such a believer of that. I feel like that’s why my perspective on life and different experiences… If I miss a plane, I was like, “Oh, there was a reason for that.” That is how I live my life. And let me tell you, it’s a lot more peaceful than what it was before. I had this sort of real realization about how it works for me and how it should be.

ALEX COOPER: I love that advice too, because I feel like it’s like half the time, more than half the time we have to look at it like it’s actually not about him. You’re sitting there like, why are you sitting there stressing? Why was I on my phone zooming so intensely?

Because I was bored in college, being like, this is better than the guys I could be dating here. So there’s always, if you break it down, I wanted to be with him because of the status and the money and the lifestyle. And I loved it and I didn’t want to lose it and I was willing to maybe look the other way because I love that.

Now in hindsight I’m like, that was perfect for where I was in that moment. I absolutely loved that moment in my life. Now I would never put up with that because I want time.

SHAY MITCHELL: You could be putting into building yourself, reading a book, educating yourself, going to the gym, hanging out with your friends, doing other things. I think as you get older… And the reason why I say I did that all in my 20s, but it changed when I was 30 is because I realized how valuable every single day is.

And I do not want to waste my f*ing time stalking other people’s movements. You know what I mean? Then I’m taking away my time and living my life and spending quality time with friends or people that… You’re watching somebody else’s move. They’re going to do it if they’re going to do it and I can’t stop it. So it’s not healthy. We need to cut it out. It’s too short. I don’t want to look back at my life dedicating so many of my precious days to doing that.

ALEX COOPER: Amen. So your mother?

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah, I’m a mother.

ALEX COOPER: You’re a mother. Did you always picture you’re going to have kids?

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah. Yeah, I did. I never had a set age. I wasn’t like, “When I’m 26, I’m going to have…” No. I knew that I wanted to experience that.

Navigating Motherhood and Identity

ALEX COOPER: When you think about there’s so many beautiful things that come with motherhood.

SHAY MITCHELL: Yes.

ALEX COOPER: But I feel like you’re a good person to talk to about… Because you don’t like to label things. When I think about mothers, there’s a lot of pressure if you’re not just dedicating your entire life in other people’s eyes to your children. Did you ever lose yourself in the beginning stages of trying to navigate being a mother, being also Shay Mitchell, this independent, successful woman that wants to have both?

SHAY MITCHELL: Oh my gosh. I remember when I was first pregnant with Atlas and I was nine months. I was talking to my doula at the time and all of a sudden we’re talking and I just started bawling and she’s like, “Oh, my gosh, are you so excited?” I was like, “No, a piece of me is dying. I’m going to be a mother. I’m now going to be a mom.”

And she was like, “Okay. That’s amazing.” I was like, “No, I’m a mom now. I am a mother.” She’s like, “Okay, amazing.” Not understanding. And I think what I had to come to an understanding with is that, yes, old Shay did. A part of me did have to be put to rest. I am a mother now. I wasn’t beforehand. And it does change.

There’s a leaf that turns when you get pregnant. And from the moment you see that you are pregnant on that stick, it changes. And that life that you lived before is over. And that’s okay because there’s a new life. There’s a new chapter, a new relationship. And that’s… It’s fun and it’s exciting. It’s also scary.

And at that point, it was also a little bit lonely because your partner won’t understand. They don’t go through the same thing. They don’t understand the changes and the sacrifices that we make. Especially being somebody who also was very active in my work and my social and everything. It was like, I have to take a pause. I can’t be… I was fortunate to be able to act up until the point where I was eight months, but still, I had to take a moment. I had to take a break where I was.

ALEX COOPER: He didn’t.

SHAY MITCHELL: And so that was really difficult for me when I was pregnant.

ALEX COOPER: Do you have advice for someone that’s currently having a little bit of a difficult time finding their… Regaining their identity after they just gave birth. Now they’ve… Their kids alive and well, and they’re like, f*, who am I? Independent of being a mother?

SHAY MITCHELL: I think you need that time outside of your kids. I think it is so crucial. I love my girls. I will do anything. Of course, it is… Having kids, truthfully, is like having a heart live outside of you. My heartbeats in them. But I also need to continue to do things for myself and for me to feel rested. For me to feel like I’ve done what I needed to do, because then I’m a better mother when I can come back. And I feel good, you know?

And I think that that’s the thing. It is really hard, especially after… I always say, I love a baby shower. I think that’s great. Even though I did mine at Magic Mike.

ALEX COOPER: What?

The Mama Shower Movement

SHAY MITCHELL: I also think there needs to be another, like, a postpartum sort of baby, a mama shower after. Because it’s all fine and dandy when you have that celebration when the baby’s in your stomach and things are cool and there’s a million beautiful flowers and friends and all of that around you.

There needs to be something after when you’re in the postpartum, when you’re in the bed by yourself or maybe with your partner, in and feeling like a mess, feeling like if you’re breastfeeding or you’re feeding them with a bottle… You just don’t feel your best.

ALEX COOPER: Yeah.

SHAY MITCHELL: There needs to be a celebration for you at that moment. I’m like, I want to start the mama shower. Something where you have all your friends. I needed a flower crown. Then when the babies were crying, when Atlas was screaming, when the house was a mess. I need that, you know.

ALEX COOPER: Yeah.

SHAY MITCHELL: That kind of group and party then.

ALEX COOPER: I actually love that, too, because I… You’re so right. There’s such a celebration of right before, this is going to be great. And then life happens, and then life happens, and there’s judgment.

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah.

Independence and Owning Your Own Shit

ALEX COOPER: You’re a very independent person. And I wonder, what does independence look like for you?

SHAY MITCHELL: Independence to me means that I can make my own moves and do what I want to do. And when I want to do something, I do it.

Listen, let me tell you something. This is when I was driving age, when I got my first car. My parents got me a car. Okay. And I was so excited. Drove around everywhere. Me and my girlfriends had picked them up, you know, as you do. You’re just got my license. Let’s drive to McDonald’s.

And then one day, I came downstairs, and I was like, “Where my keys at?” And I couldn’t find them. And I was like, “Wait, hi, Mom, Dad. Where are my keys?” And he’s like, “You don’t have your car today.” I was like, “Wait, why? Is it in the shop?”

ALEX COOPER: You getting it washed?

SHAY MITCHELL: You filling it up? What’s going on? He was like, “You just don’t have it today. I took it.”

And I’m like, “Okay, so you want to drive it? Can I drive yours? What’s going on?” He’s like, “No, I bought it. I own it. It’s mine. You don’t have it.” And I was like, “Wait, what? You bought it? It’s my car.” He’s like, “It’s not your car. I bought it for you, and I can take it away.”

And I was like, I didn’t even do anything then. I’m trying to think. I’m like, “Did I do something last night? Did he go through my…” What is happening? Nothing had happened. He just took my car away because he wanted to prove a point that he bought it and I didn’t own it. And just because, you know, he had got me the car at that point, he could also take it away.

And I was so annoyed by it. But then I also was like, “You’re right, he did buy it.” But this is so f*ing annoying. And from that moment, I was like, I don’t ever want that to happen because I actually had to go somewhere that wasn’t a drive through. And I needed my car at that time.

ALEX COOPER: Of course you did, Shay.

SHAY MITCHELL: Of course I did. You know, needed to go to the mall. So I was like, I will never have that happen again. I’m going to own my shit. And that is what kind of clicked in. There was a bigger message with that. That was just really like, I need to own my shit because nobody can take that away from me.

And everything just feels better when I did that, you know? And I don’t need somebody else to do that for me. And so I’ve always been super independent when it’s come to that. If I want to go to dinner, I’m going to dinner. I don’t need to wait for somebody to invite me. No, no, if I want that on the menu, I’ll order it. Because I bust my ass to do that.

And I think there’s such a power. And with that, everything just tastes sweeter. It feels better. You rock it better when you’re wearing that bag that you got. And again, gifts are nice and I’ll always take them.

ALEX COOPER: And I love that.

SHAY MITCHELL: So if you get that, good on you and amazing. However, I feel like independence gives you a freedom to live your life as authentic as you want it to be. I can do things that feel right to me without any sort of hesitancy that, “Oh, so and so might not…” This may get taken away from me, or if I act this way, I’ll get kicked out.

No, I don’t want that. I never wanted that. And I don’t want my girls to ever do that. You will be independent, you will own your own shit, and you will always have it. Nobody can take that away from you.

The Power of Self-Sufficiency in Relationships

ALEX COOPER: What you’re saying is so empowering in terms of just you can’t then be that affected by anyone other than yourself when you have that independence. And I think it’s so important for young women to hear, because when I was dating professional athletes or rich guys in the moment, it felt so invigorating to me.

And I felt alive, and I felt so powerful because I was attached to someone powerful. And then if they ended it, I was on the street with nothing.

SHAY MITCHELL: Then you feel like back at square one again. And you’re like, “But wait, what happened?”

ALEX COOPER: And you look around and you have nothing. And so it’s like, I’m also not even talking about financial shit. If you have your own, in terms of, I know who I am. I know I’m stable with my confidence and my personality. And if you end it tomorrow, I’m still good. I’m still good, and I can carry on.

Focusing on your independence, recognizing your worth, because then when you meet someone and you’re like that, you’re like…

SHAY MITCHELL: But having your own life outside of them, having your own friend group, having your own places that you go to, you are so much stronger when you’re two pillars holding something up than when you’re trying to conform to one. You know what I mean? Just have your own life, I think is so important.

ALEX COOPER: Totally, totally.

SHAY MITCHELL: And then you’re stronger, and then it offers up more questions. Then I can genuinely be like, “What did you do today?” You know, totally different strokes for different folks. Again, this is just how it is for me. I’ve also seen it on the flip side where it works. They work, and they have the same friends and all that. And that also works.

ALEX COOPER: I agree.

SHAY MITCHELL: This is just how it works for me.

ALEX COOPER: No. And I think that’s also, I love this job because I get to just talk to so many different people that it’s like, there is no right answer for anyone. It’s like, you’re going to find your own shit. But it’s helpful to hear if some people are lost or just kind of looking for guidance.

You have a very specific way that you view life and the way that you view your worth and yourself and the way that you like to move. My question, though, for you is…

SHAY MITCHELL: You always know there’s going to be something juicy when she, well, this is her head and you’re getting real comfy now.

ALEX COOPER: No, I just like to ask this because sometimes it’s helpful to humanize people in terms of you’re so confident, but what is your biggest insecurity?

Insecurities and the Power of Manifestation

SHAY MITCHELL: What is my biggest insecurity? My biggest insecurity is, I mean, I can be in rooms. Just recently, I was in Paris, and I was around a group of people that were speaking so many different languages, and I was like, “Oh, my gosh, that is amazing.”

I feel like I could be spending more time educating myself instead of doing some other things. Maybe if I cut down some social media, I feel like I could be, I could have learned another language. You know? I get on myself sometimes for that, for education. So I’m like, “Okay, I need to work on this.” But then I download Word of the Day, and I feel like, “Okay, I’m done. I’m trying to…” I feel like that’s what…

Yeah. I mean, I think every day there’s different things. Of course, I’m not the most confident, most secure person. The reason why I sound like that is because I’m a big believer of saying things and manifesting and words being very powerful.

You will never hear me say, “Oh, gosh, I’m such an idiot,” or “Dumb me.” I don’t speak like that. I don’t ever say I’m starving. I don’t ever say… I’m very careful with my words because they are very powerful, and I am a big believer of manifesting.

When I was doing bottle service, I had a corkboard in my kitchen, had Teen Choice Awards. I had Blake Lively and Gossip Girl. It had a white Range Rover. It had palm trees. A lot of that has come true. And I believe working hard in addition to just manifesting. But I am a very big believer of manifesting.

And there’s a difference with just saying, “Okay, I will come into success. I will meet the love of my…” No, no, no. You need to believe it, and you need to own it. And if that at the beginning is called delusion, then let it be, because I was delusional when I was doing bottle service.

But when I was rocking to your table, asking you if you wanted Kettle One or Grey Goose, I thought I was the biggest actress playing a bottle service girl. And I walked with that, and I walked in the snow and my Uggs to my office, to the bottle service place, being like, bottle service place, to the lounge, being like, “I own this.”

Not today. I was an actress and I was living in the States and I was, you know, I felt it. So delusional, manifesting all of that. I’m a big believer of saying and putting out there positive energy. And so I don’t know what the first thing was that you were asking me.

Oh, yeah. So it may come off as being super confident, secure, but even Rihanna, that TikTok guy, what was going around where she’s like, “Sometimes you don’t feel confident. You just get up and you do it.” You do. Yeah. And you own it. And you have that because if you do and other people feel it, then you become that.

The Bottle Service Days

ALEX COOPER: How the f* did you become a bottle girl?

SHAY MITCHELL: Bottle service.

ALEX COOPER: Bottle service.

SHAY MITCHELL: It was like I wasn’t a good bartender. My memory wasn’t good. So bottles were easier. I could have my little thing. But bartenders, it was like too many people asking me for too many drinks and I never got it right. Also, I wasn’t a good waitress. I’d forget things. Hostess crushed. I could always offer up a smile and take you to your table, but bottle service was just, it was fun. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t going to it. No.

ALEX COOPER: I did it for one day and then I went to the bartender. Dude, what was some… Do you have any memories of back in those days? Oh my God, how creepy.

SHAY MITCHELL: A guy slapped my ass. Almost broke his arm. No, I was not that person. And then I charged you crazy. And I made so much money that night because that was not okay. I am not good in those situations. I’m not good being disrespected. Not that anybody is, but I will not handle disrespect.

Friendship and Boundaries

ALEX COOPER: I’ve heard through the grapevine, Kate, hi. You really are such an incredible friend. And I think, especially when you get to a certain age, I’m not going to say it’s easy to be a friend in middle school, in elementary school and high school, but there is something of that. You’re all kind of going through similar shit at that time. You’re all in the same environment.

And then when you get into your 20s and your 30s and your 40s and on, it is a motherfucker of being selfish of your own shit, being there for your friends. What kind of friend are you?

SHAY MITCHELL: I would have to say I’m a really good listener. I’m always there. In high school, if a friend of mine had a bad relationship or some guy did it wrong, don’t ever talk to me again. That guy, do not come across me. I am a girl’s girl. I love women, I really do.

Because there’s such a beautiful sensitivity and vulnerability to women. And I love that. And I see it through all ages and now having two little girls, I see it in them. But then I also see the f*ed up part where I’m like, we’re watching these Disney movies and everything is about finding your happily ever after with this prince. I’m like, doesn’t have to be like that.

If you don’t want to end up with a guy, you don’t have to. If you don’t want to end up in a relationship at all, you don’t have to. I’m constantly doing this because I’m like, hey, she loves this princess life, which I want her to live. But I’m also like, this is kind of f*ed up when I’m watching this. Happily ever after doesn’t mean you always have to end up with somebody. It doesn’t always mean you have to have kids, you know?

And so I always forget what I’m talking about. What was the question? Oh, what kind of friend are you?

ALEX COOPER: No, this is great.

SHAY MITCHELL: Okay, so on the friend level, my friends are my family. They are. And I have a very small group of friends. I have a lot of acquaintances. I love people too. But I have a very small tight knit of friends who I feel are my family and they’ve held me down.

And why I feel like I can be the way that I am, it’s because I have such a solid support group of people, you know, and they are there for me no matter what. And I feel that they are like that because it’s a two way street. I am there for them as well.

And if anybody needed me, any of my girls, I will be on that plane. I don’t care. I will be there for you because life is crazy and it’s wild and sometimes you need me more than I need you. And sometimes I need you more than you need me. And so it’s a beautiful relationship. It’s a teeter totter of, I don’t know, it’s a teeter totter. I just feel like that is how my friendship is with people.

Quality Over Quantity in Friendships

ALEX COOPER: Women go through it in their 20s of kind of losing that friend group that maybe they had in school, feeling almost ashamed if they don’t have the big friend group and they don’t have all of the big… Can you talk about that a little bit of the cattiness of women being like, “Oh, she doesn’t have that many friends.” Or she doesn’t…

Because I have people writing all the time that are like, “I have two really good friends.” But I feel bad that I don’t have… No, babe, you’re blessed.

SHAY MITCHELL: You have two solid friends. No, we do not compare ourselves to movies. We do not compare ourselves to other people. You have no idea what’s actually happening. A girl could have 15 solid friends. You don’t know if they’re all talking shit about each other.

If you have two solid friends, that’s amazing. And own that, you know, and be thankful you have that. I have my childhood best friends, and the amazing part is that I talk to them the least out of everybody else. My best friend I talked to once every three months, and it doesn’t even matter. I pick up, I talk to her, and she’s like, “Cool, cool. We got it.”

She gives me what I need. I give her what she needs. And I’m like, boom. I didn’t even talk to her for the past three months.

ALEX COOPER: And you do your quick rundown, like, what’s going on in your life?

SHAY MITCHELL: And that’s it. I catch up. I have no photos with her. It comes time to be in her birthday, and I’m like, I have no photos with her. We never take photos.

ALEX COOPER: Those are the best relationships.

SHAY MITCHELL: When you have the best night of your life, you’re not taking photos. You forget. And that’s the same thing with your friends. It’s like, yeah, but I mean, I have a lot of photos with Kate.

ALEX COOPER: So Kate, you’re also the lowest of your friends. Wait a minute. We have periphery, bitch. You’re not inner core.

SHAY MITCHELL: But even with my solid group of friends, I go to them for different things. Same with, I have different friends that I go to for different things, you know? And I think that’s a beautiful thing.

ALEX COOPER: No, I love that you said that because I just… At my engagement party, my three best, best friends from childhood were there. And then I was talking to my friend Kristen, who has literally been there since I don’t even remember what age. And I was like, I don’t think we have more than three photos together.

And we do the same thing where it’s like every four months, we’re like, “Hello.” And I’m like, “Okay, go.” And she gives me the rundown. And that is, I think should be more normalized. You don’t need to talk to someone every f*ing day. You don’t also need to feel like you need 15 people around you because that also usually means, well, who’s your one?

SHAY MITCHELL: Right?

ALEX COOPER: Everyone knows who their best f*ing friend is, or their three or their four best friends. I just think it’s important to normalize because all these women online are shaming of, “She doesn’t seem like she is friends…” It’s literally everything.

SHAY MITCHELL: Trying to appease everybody. That would be so exhausting.

ALEX COOPER: No, you’re right.

SHAY MITCHELL: You are happy and you are good with your life and your circumstances, regardless of if they go against the norm, then you’re crushing it.

When Friendships End

ALEX COOPER: Tell me about a time that you had to end a friendship.

SHAY MITCHELL: Oh my God. I ended a friendship because I stopped respecting her. Truthfully, I didn’t respect certain decisions she made. And I think once you lose respect in any relationship, it’s over. And I don’t know if that’s the Aries in me. Probably. I follow this account that’s Aries facts or something. And every time they post, I’m like, “That’s so true. I am an Aries.”

But yeah, it sucked. We were friends for a long time and it got to a point where I just kind of… You know when you’re with a guy, you’re dating a guy and you see something that’s so unattractive, it could be anything. It’d be like, I don’t know, his hands or hair in a certain place and you’re just like… And it’s done. You can’t unsee it.

That was the same thing with this. I couldn’t unsee this one and I just… It was over and I never looked back. It happened. And you know, we had a good amount of years together as friends, but I had to cut it again. Life is too short. I have a very limited amount of time that I get to spend with people and I want that to be quality over quantity and you’re either in or you’re out.

And same thing with me, you know, who’s to say her life isn’t better without me, but whatever. It’s just, it wasn’t meant to continue. And that’s okay.

ALEX COOPER: Yeah. People in and out of our life.

SHAY MITCHELL: Look at seasons. That’s the same thing with people. Have them come in. You learn different things about each other and then you continue. And that’s okay.

ALEX COOPER: I love that too. I feel like there’s such stigma for women of the bitchiness and the friend loss. And it’s like, I get so many questions about this all the time and I’m like, if you had a great thing for a certain amount of time that gave you something in your life and vice versa, it ended. That’s okay.

Because I know then you go to a new part of your life or you have kids and you meet friends through your kids’ parents, and it’s like you’re always going through new iterations of your life and welcome it.

SHAY MITCHELL: Exactly. Be open to it. The unknown is so exciting.

ALEX COOPER: No, I agree.

Setting Boundaries in Relationships

ALEX COOPER: Okay. We need advice. I figured I’d be like, okay, let’s talk about some situations. Hypothetical. Okay, number one, what would you tell someone who opens up Instagram and sees the person that they’re dating out, partying at a club at 2am and they haven’t heard from that person all night? I think we kind of talked about this.

SHAY MITCHELL: Yeah. What’s your boundary? I have it, you know, for us, it’s like, “Hey, I always just want to know when you’re safe in bed.” I don’t need a photo, I don’t need a FaceTime, but just a text, you know, like, “Hey, just…”

And also, we have two kids. I want to know around the area of what you’re doing so I can be like, if anything were to happen, I don’t want to be like…

ALEX COOPER: I don’t know where he is.

SHAY MITCHELL: Tell me the country you’re in. You know, maybe the hotel would help. I don’t even know anything else. But I need to know certain things. So it depends what your boundary is. Did you set it so you’re like, “Hey, I want to hear from you this amount of times?” Or is it okay if they text you when they go to bed? What’s your boundary? So it depends on that.

ALEX COOPER: I agree with you because I think I remember in the beginning of dating Matt, and he was like, “You just have to send me a text when you get in bed. I just want to know you’re alive.” And at first I was like, “That’s being clingy.” And then afterwards I was like, “Oh, wait, I get what he’s doing. He’s actually respecting… I just want to know you’re safe.”

SHAY MITCHELL: That’s it.

ALEX COOPER: And what a great boundary.

SHAY MITCHELL: That’s it.

Trust and Self-Awareness in Relationships

ALEX COOPER: But if you’re so triggered by seeing him on the Internet, stalking him again, I go back to that version of myself. That’s your first real red flag to be like, yeah, why are you so stressed? Yeah, because that’s probably, you know, he’s actually doing something shady.

I don’t have a doubt in my mind, like right now with the partner that I’m with, that I’m like, nothing.

SHAY MITCHELL: Right?

ALEX COOPER: But when other relationships, I’m like, I knew. We always fing know. You always, in your gut kind of fing know. I truly believe it. If there’s certain shit that they’re doing, I think most of you—

SHAY MITCHELL: But there have been the odd cases where some people may not have. And that’s okay too, you know. Then, I mean, yeah, that’s okay too, if you don’t expect.

ALEX COOPER: True. But I also think it’s like having the confidence and the self respect to, if this is bothering you so much, tell him. Yeah, say it. It’s like, you’re not being needy or clingy. It’s like if you’re in a relationship and you’re like, “Hey, babe, it really upsets me. I realize I get so triggered and anxious when you’re out and I don’t hear from you.”

SHAY MITCHELL: But like, think about what it is about that. Because just being out as a human, I mean, I go out, I come back sometimes at 2, 4, 6, you know. So it’s like, what about that is bothering you? Is it that you think there’s other girls there? Is it that he hasn’t told you where he’s at? Like, ask yourself and then have that conversation.

ALEX COOPER: And then if there’s that, it’s like, well, because he does this all the time and he cheated once. Well then, okay, right?

SHAY MITCHELL: And then reassess the situation. But like, just being out, I mean—

ALEX COOPER: We’re humans, we got to go out.

The Importance of Freedom in Relationships

SHAY MITCHELL: Got to go out. And also, like, I love it when I’m like, do you go out there with hot girls? Like, I want you to see that. I don’t want to keep you in a little room with blindfolds on every day. Like, please go out there and see.

ALEX COOPER: It’s so healthy to have your partner go out. Like every time Matt goes out and he comes home, I’m like, okay, tell me everything. And I’m like, laying in bed, like, hi. I’m like, oh, what happened? And he’s like, this person was there. Yeah, this was there.

SHAY MITCHELL: And like, let me—like, even when we’ve been out, there have been girls that have come up and been like, “Oh my gosh, he’s so handsome.” I’m like, thank you. Like, yes, absolutely.

ALEX COOPER: He doesn’t wear a ring.

SHAY MITCHELL: No.

ALEX COOPER: And you—

SHAY MITCHELL: But also, like, if you wore a f*ing ring, does that deter anybody?

ALEX COOPER: Deter them?

SHAY MITCHELL: Does that deter, like, no, it doesn’t do anything. Sometimes it’s more attractive. I’m like, look, go out, live your life, be free. If you come back, awesome. If you don’t, we’ll figure it out.

ALEX COOPER: Peace. Peace.

SHAY MITCHELL: I don’t have time for that anymore.

Approaching Insecurities with Vulnerability

ALEX COOPER: Like, okay, let’s say someone wants to approach their partner about an issue in their relationship that they’re insecure about. Okay, what advice would you give them in approaching this topic? So you’re going to someone, you’re like, I’m insecure about this. I want to talk about my part about it. They’re nervous.

SHAY MITCHELL: Rightfully so. But also, I feel like I’ve had this so many times where I’ve been so vulnerable, and I can’t be any more vulnerable. Like, he knows, and I think that’s okay because the right person will accept it and take it and hear you.

The wrong person might run from it and then let him run. It may seem like I’m like, let him go. Let them free. But also like, yeah, because if it’s the wrong person, why do you want to waste your time with them anyways?

ALEX COOPER: My mom always said it, and I remember in the early days of my show, I would always say this. My mom would always be like—and at first it was friends. Because when I was younger, my mom would always say, like, why would you want to be friends with someone that doesn’t want to be friends with you?

No relationship. Right? You’re like, why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you or doesn’t respect you? It’s like, well answered.

SHAY MITCHELL: You don’t.

ALEX COOPER: You don’t.

SHAY MITCHELL: But that’s also why, like, my whole thing and, like, again, love it for everybody else, but the whole concept of, like, we need to have a big bachelorette party, bachelor party. Because this is the last night of freedom. What? No, you can have all of those nights. You want to go at Timmy, Tony, John and Frank all day long. You can go. Like, I’m not holding you back. That will never be the life that I live, where you feel the need that, like, your last—like, I hate that, dude.

Drama and Growth in Your Twenties

ALEX COOPER: You’re so right. Okay, we need, like, a little tea. Okay. Tell us about some drama you’ve ever had in a relationship. All of this is like, Shay’s got it all together. No, it’s not. No, no. Not a bad way. Not a bad way. But it’s like, you are. You have this. You have it all together right now in terms of how you think about shit.

Give us your twenties. Give us a f*ing story about Shay not having it together and a relationship.

SHAY MITCHELL: I mean, in my twenties, like, I think in your—like, again, it did really change for me in my thirties, I will say I feel good now. But no, in my twenties, all my friends would be like, wait a minute. Sammy has been there with me through thick and thin, and she knows those times where she’s had to sleep over and I’m like, convulsing into a paper bag. I’m like, he did—like, I’ve had those moments a thousand percent.

But sometimes I think I brought them on me because I’m dramatic and wanted to experience that. Like, I don’t know if I was listening to a song and I was like, I can’t relate to this. Let’s relate to this. And then I go out and cause shit because I was like—like, I’m telling you, that tattoo is white. Not because I wanted to get it for you to see. I wanted to feel it.

Like, I am that person right where I want to feel it. So, like, I wanted to cause shit sometimes and I would. And that was just me experimenting at that age. So, like, I had so much drama in my life and I would do things that would put me in situations or I’m like, oh, that wasn’t fair. But, like, let’s see how it rides out, you know, and then that’s going to be a story to tell. And yeah, I did it because I wanted to be able to have that story.

ALEX COOPER: No, I get that. I relate to that in a lot of ways of just being like, do it for the experience.

SHAY MITCHELL: You’re listening to a song and like, you want to put your hand on the window when it’s raining too and sing out to it. Sometimes I wouldn’t feel that way, but I wanted to, so I would go and set that situation up for myself, you know.

ALEX COOPER: I did so good. No, that’s like, I relate to that. And then on top of it, I then started a show where I did talk about my life. So I was like, I need a f*ed up story. Like, let’s go out. I get it. I think that’s in a weird way. I think it’s healthy because then you do experience shit where you’re like, I don’t want that. I want this.

Looking back on your single days, what’s one piece of dating advice you can give my listeners straight from the Shay Mitchell playbook?

SHAY MITCHELL: Oh, my God.

ALEX COOPER: Something you haven’t said yet to all the single ladies.

Learning About Yourself Through Dating

SHAY MITCHELL: I don’t know. I feel like, listen, if Matte and—like, I feel so happy with the way that everything turned out because if we had been together from the moment that I met him, I don’t know if I would be completely content and happy right now. I would have wondered. My mind would have drifted. And that’s not to say it doesn’t drift—we’re humans.

But I got to live out a lot of it. Of different experiences. And I had a lot of fun. Loved that. I thought that these were the years where I will be able to do this and you can still do it later on when you marry—

ALEX COOPER: Blah, blah, blah.

SHAY MITCHELL: But it was fun. It was fun to go out one day with this guy and then another with this guy. As long as I was in control. Mm. You know, like, conscious control, all of that. It was on my terms. I loved it. And I thought there was nothing wrong because I learned so much about myself through each of these relationships, and that’s what I loved.

I was like, okay, if I date this person, I wonder how this would be. Well, let’s find out. Let’s see how I can deal with his lifestyle. Let’s see how I can deal being taken on, you know, in this way or that. Like, I loved learning about myself through other people.

ALEX COOPER: I think that’s such good f*ing advice. And we almost can end on that one of, like, when you are in your single part of your life, it’s such an opportunity to get to know yourself better. And it’s like, there’s such a pressure, I think, for women to settle down and have kids and start your life. And it’s like, just make sure that you know yourself before you pick that person.

And that’s where, like, you’re saying, and I feel the same way of, like, I’ve gone through so many things that I wouldn’t have been able to be with my partner now had I not been through all that shit. So, like, sometimes you have to put yourself into weird f*ing situations. Like, if you’re sitting at home being like, I haven’t been going on dates. Like, I’ve been kind of like, put your—like, listen to Shay. Like, put yourself out there. Create a scenario.

Even if you get the fing story, it’s ending up creating a better version of yourself because you’re going to learn what you like, you’re going to learn what you don’t like, and you’re going to be invigorated to find the next story, find the next thing for yourself. So you can look back and be like, holy f, I lived it. I did it. And then when you find the right person, there’s no doubt in your mind it’s the right person. Because you’ve been with so many different people in different settings. I don’t mean sleeping. You’ve so many different—

SHAY MITCHELL: So many people.

ALEX COOPER: But it’s like, you know, your shit of like, I don’t like that. I like this. And like you’re a kid in a candy store of like, you know what—

Dating with Self-Respect

SHAY MITCHELL: You want, what you don’t want. However, don’t just date anybody. Always have that self respect. And that’s why, looking at my past, I can say, like I said, besides a couple out of them, I always had that respect. And that’s important. Don’t just date a loser to date a loser. We don’t need to go experience that.

ALEX COOPER: Nobody else on that.

SHAY MITCHELL: But if you can go into a respectful relationship, hook up whatever with somebody, then do it, experience it, explore it, and learn about yourself. Now’s the time.

ALEX COOPER: Is that it?

SHAY MITCHELL: I don’t know. I feel like once we turn this off, she like, keeps it.

ALEX COOPER: Like, I’m like, keep rolling to it. No, I do think this is in an odd way. That’s the thing.

SHAY MITCHELL: It’s like even having two daughters, I always look at it like, what would I say to them? I like, yes, talking about, even thinking about that right now. And they’re so f*—

ALEX COOPER: Yeah.

SHAY MITCHELL: But like, if you are going into a relationship and experience with self respect, you know that that person has respect for you, you are aware, you are conscious, you are all of it, then I think there is no harm in that. You are learning about yourself through that. And I love that. I love. I wouldn’t take away the experiences that I’ve had.

And the other thing is I would never take away the experiences that my partner has had. I don’t talk about any of the people he’s been with because all of those people that he was with made him the person that he is today, you know, and sometimes I’m like, well, wish you could have had a couple. Like, you know, like, there’s like—

ALEX COOPER: It’s so true.

SHAY MITCHELL: Like, I never talk about that because—thank you.

ALEX COOPER: The last thing that I would like to say is I feel like this episode also, it sounds easy, but, no, it sounds easy and it seems kind of hard, but it really is easy. Where you were kind of talking about if you’re not being treated right, if you’re not feeling right in a relationship, if you’re listening to this and you have a pit in your stomach right now because your partner’s doing something, if you’re questioning certain things, if they’re not acting the right way, if they’re not treating you right, that’s it. That’s your answer.

SHAY MITCHELL: That’s your answer. Life is too short. And you only recognize that when you’re in a moment where you realize that, which doesn’t happen for all of us. But it’s like, I don’t want to wait for that moment, if you know, when it happens to be like, “Oh, sh*t, I should have done this differently,” or, “Why did I waste those days or those sleepless nights worrying about this?”

It didn’t do anything. It doesn’t do anything. So live your life how you want to live it. Don’t worry about somebody else. Because your worrying isn’t going to change the outcome. It’s not going to change the outcome. I can promise you that. They don’t care if you’re worrying or not.

Live your life. Do what makes you happy and do what you love. Do what makes you happy. I don’t want to waste any more days. I did that enough in my 20s. But for those listening who are in their 20s, save yourselves, learn from us. And don’t waste your days worrying about somebody else. Let them be.

ALEX COOPER: God bless you.

SHAY MITCHELL: If you, what’s that quote? “If you love something, let it go.”

ALEX COOPER: Let it come back.

SHAY MITCHELL: It’s yours. It’s the same thing. Every day he comes home, I’m like, “Hey, there you are.” You know what I mean?

ALEX COOPER: But, oh, you’re back.

SHAY MITCHELL: You have to, hey, you’re back. “Hey, can you put her to bed?” You know what I mean? But that’s how it is. And I think there’s something so romantic about that.

Choosing Love Every Day

And I always say, I think it was Charlize Theron that said this in a quote where, if you come home because you want to, not because you feel like you have to, or then you’d have to call the lawyers and do, I think there’s something so romantic about that.

We don’t need anything else to define our love or relationship at this moment. We have two beautiful girls. We are very fortunate to have the life that we live, and we recognize that. And if that ever were to change, we’ll deal with it. But nothing that I can do, or especially signing the paper or getting the, confirms that. We confirm it. You confirm it in your relationship.

And don’t let societal, public pressures, parental, religious, deter you from doing what you feel is right.

ALEX COOPER: Shay, thank you for coming on Call Her Daddy.

SHAY MITCHELL: I mean, thank you for having me.

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