Home » I Got 99 Problems… Palsy is Just One by Maysoon Zayid (Transcript)

I Got 99 Problems… Palsy is Just One by Maysoon Zayid (Transcript)

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Maysoon Zayid

Writer, actor, comedian, Maysoon Zayid is the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival. In this TED talk, the Arab-American comedian takes us on a whistle-stop tour of her adventures as an actress, stand-up comic, philanthropist and advocate for the disabled….

 

 

Maysoon Zayid – Comedian and Writer

Hello, TEDWomen, what’s up?

Not good enough. Hello, TEDWomen, what is up?

My name is Maysoon Zayid, and I am not drunk, but the doctor who delivered me was. He cut my mom six different times in six different directions, suffocating poor little me in the process. As a result, I have cerebral palsy, which means I shake all the time. Look. It’s exhausting. I’m like Shakira — Shakira meets Muhammad Ali.

CP (cerebral palsy) is not genetic. It’s not a birth defect. You can’t catch it. No one put a curse on my mother’s uterus, and I didn’t get it because my parents are first cousins, which they are. It only happens from accidents, like what happened to me on my birth day.

Now, I must warn you, I’m not inspirational, and I don’t want anyone in this room to feel bad for me, because at some point in your life, you have dreamt of being disabled. Come on a journey with me. It’s Christmas Eve, you’re at the mall, you’re driving around in circles looking for parking, and what do you see? Sixteen empty handicapped spaces. And you’re like, “God, can’t I just be a little disabled?”

Also, I got to tell you, I got 99 problems, and palsy is just one. If there was an Oppression Olympics, I would win the gold medal. I’m Palestinian, Muslim, I’m female, I’m disabled, and I live in New Jersey. If you don’t feel better about yourself, maybe you should.

Cliffside Park, New Jersey is my hometown. I have always loved the fact that my hood and my affliction share the same initials. I also love the fact that if I wanted to walk from my house to New York City, I could.

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A lot of people with CP don’t walk, but my parents didn’t believe in “can’t.” My father’s mantra was, “You can do it, yes, you can can.” So, if my three older sisters were mopping, I was mopping. If my three older sisters went to public school, my parents would sue the school system and guarantee that I went too, and if we didn’t all get A’s, we all got my mother’s slipper. My father taught me how to walk when I was five years old by placing my heels on his feet and just walking. Another tactic that he used is he would dangle a dollar bill in front of me and have me chase it. My inner stripper was very strong, and by — Yeah. No, by the first day of kindergarten, I was walking like a champ who had been punched one too many times.

Growing up, there were only six Arabs in my town, and they were all my family. Now there are 20 Arabs in town, and they are still all my family. I don’t think anyone even noticed we weren’t Italian. This was before 9/11 and before politicians thought it was appropriate to use “I hate Moslems” as a campaign slogan. The people that I grew up with had no problem with my faith. They did, however, seem very concerned that I would starve to death during Ramadan. I would explain to them that I have enough fat to live off of for three whole months, so fasting from sunrise to sunset is a piece of cake.

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