How Hospitality Can Be The Antidote To A Hostile World: Anne McCune (Transcript)

Read the full transcript of Anne McCune’s talk titled “How Hospitality Can Be The Antidote To A Hostile World”, at TEDxOcala, December 19, 2024.

Listen to the audio version here:

Introduction: Discovering True Hospitality

ANNE MCCUNE: I have an idea that can make this world a little less hostile and a lot more hospitable. The idea came when I discovered the real meaning of a word I thought I knew the definition of, but I was wrong. And chances are, some of you may hold a similar misunderstanding, and that is keeping us from experiencing the joy and richness of practicing it. That word is hospitality. Now how would you truly define hospitality? Hold that thought while I tell you a story where I now realize I had experienced exquisite authentic hospitality.

A Personal Experience of True Hospitality

I was an exchange student in France back in the days before credit cards and cell phones. And one weekend, I took the train from Bourges where my program was located to Toulouse to visit my friend Louisa. And I was looking forward to meeting her French family, and I arrived at the station but Louisa was not there to greet me. No one was. And I waited, and then I made a series of panicked phone calls, the old-fashioned kind, you drop the coin in the phone, until all my available cash was gone, and finally learned that all the students in that program were on holiday and wouldn’t be back.

I realized this was the first time I had ever traveled alone in Europe, and I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to get back on the next train, but was told my ticket was not good until the following evening. So I tried to check into a hotel with my one traveler’s check, which no one would take as payment. And so I went outside and sat on a park bench in front of the train station and prayed that I would safely and cheaply make it through the next 24 hours.

Now, I was young and naive, and I looked the part. And so as I sat there, feeling a little on the vulnerable side, I noticed an unsavory young man eyeing me and coming closer, and I tried to ignore him, and he kept approaching. And so I looked around the park and spotted an old peasant woman on a bench, and my instinct said, move towards her. So I got up and started her way, and my heart dropped because she stood up too. But then I realized she was looking at me and motioning, and when I got near, she threw her arms open and embraced me as if I were her long-lost granddaughter.

And she made room for me on the bench, and we sat and began chatting, despite my very limited French vocabulary, despite the age difference, despite all the cultural differences. We sat and we shared stories long after the unsavory guy had left the park. And then she looked at me and asked if I was hungry. And I wanted to lie, but she knew the answer, and so she took her long loaf of beautiful French bread out of her basket, and she broke it in half. And then she took another little bag and put the half loaf in it, along with one of her two bananas and two of her four slices of cheese, and she wrapped them up, handed me the bag, patted me on the arm, and said she had to go and disappeared around a corner.

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I sat there on the bench with tears in my eyes, dumbfounded. I was still the cashless stranger, but I had been seen and protected and loved and fed. Someone had made room for me. Someone had made this stranger feel strangely safe and at home. And that, my friends, is the true definition of hospitality, loving strangers like family.

The Etymology and Meaning of Hospitality

It’s derived from a Greek compound word, phyloxenia. Now xenia, the second part of the word, you may be familiar with. It’s a type of hospitality, and it’s also the root used in xenophobia, the fear and rejection of strangers. Xenophobia, I am sad to say, might be one of the reasons we have become hostile. But my solution, and I hope it becomes yours, is to practice phyloxenia.

Now the ancient Greeks practiced xenia because they believed any traveler or stranger might be a god in disguise, and they would be rewarded or punished according to how well they treated those guests. And so strangers were generally invited in and treated quite well, especially if they were getting gifts as a reward for that food and lodging. And thus hospitality became a transactional type of friendship, rich in kindness and good stuff for everybody. And many cultures practice a beautiful reciprocal form of hospitality, especially those in desert regions where to leave a stranger outside the door might mean their death.

Now the early Christians were adding the word phylo, meaning family love, as in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, to their version of xenia. And they were instructed to open their doors to any stranger as if they were a long-lost family member. Xenia became phyloxenia, to be offered freely and lovingly without any expectation of repayment.

Xenia hospitality was the way my peasant friend welcomed me to her bench. She saw me as a stranger in need and was willing to meet those needs without any hesitation or expectation. And now I think, if the roles had been reversed, would I have seen her? Would I have been willing to meet her needs then or now?

The Crisis of Connection in Modern Society

What has happened to us? We rush home and we lock our doors. We are afraid to make eye contact on the city streets or in the grocery store. We’ve become fearful of anyone we don’t know, especially those who don’t think like, look like, or act like us, xenophobia.

Strangers have become people to dismiss and avoid rather than to embrace. Strangers like immigrants, neighbors, and sometimes, sadly, even family members.

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The CDC and the surgeon general actually says that one in two of all adult Americans are suffering the effects of loneliness and isolation, resulting in both physical and mental health issues. The report states that the mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that of smoking 15 cigarettes a day. And even worse than that, associated with obesity and physical inactivity. Social media, screen time, the COVID pandemic, all of these have added to the fact that we have become a lonely, fearful, often indifferent, and sometimes hostile nation.

Hospitality, not hostility. Philoxenia, not xenophobia. Now, I know this sounds really simple and maybe a little crazy, but I truly believe that if we all opened the doors to our homes and our hearts just a little, we could change the world.

Overcoming Barriers to Hospitality

Now, everyone I talk to really loves the idea of hospitality. We just don’t practice it. And why not? I know, for me, a lot of my reasons are fear-based. And this is one of my go-tos, I just am afraid I don’t have the time, energy, or resources to be hospitable today. Thank you very much. Now, how about you? Think about it. Do you have a reason?

Well, whatever it is, I invite you to help overcome these obstacles. First, let’s overcome any fears and misconceptions with courage and truth. And I say courage because hospitality does require vulnerability. And truth, because the truth is this. We were made for connection. We need each other. Take a moment and just tell the person on either side you need them. Okay. It’s really true. And there is joy and grace to be found on the other side of the locked door, or across the table, or side-by-side in a TED Talk audience. There is. And I want everyone so badly to find it.

So number two, we need to encourage each other in a few simple practices. More smiling, more eye contact, more kindness, more forgiveness, more healthy curiosity, and more generosity. There’s an old adage that says, “When you have more than you need, don’t build the higher fence, build a bigger table.” It’s a reminder to practice phyloxenia, not xenophobia.

And third, we need to make space for hospitality to happen. Too often it’s my cramped calendar, not my cramped table, that becomes my excuse not to notice strangers and invite anyone in. Can we make some space? And hospitality can actually happen anywhere. So I try to be aware of those two, three feet of personal space around me, and just make them as hospitable as possible wherever I go. Because if we believe the surgeon general, if there are more than two people around me, one of them might be lonely and deeply in need of connection.

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The Ripple Effects of Hospitality

Can you or I initiate that connection? Can you or I take a risk and invite somebody new to share a meal with? I have found that simply breaking bread together creates an atmosphere where true and deep connection can be made. And I’ve also found that even one act of simple hospitality can have ripple effects for generations and sometimes around the world.

I think of my peasant friend who shared her bench and her bread with me almost 50 years ago and the effect it’s had on me. And I think of a 15-year-old Afghan exchange student who spent a year with us three years after 9-11. His mother tragically died while he was with us that year. And two decades later, he and his dispersed family have a special bond with ours. And we have had the privilege and heartbreak of walking with them through the difficulties experienced by those forced to leave their homes because of war and unrest.

Conclusion: Everyone Is Welcome

I have literally hundreds of more stories. And I hope you come over someday and we can talk about them. But in the meantime, I just want to remind you of this. Authentic hospitality is just to love and bless, not to entertain and impress. I have an Indian friend that says, “Focus on the connection, not the perfection.” And there’s a beautiful song called “At This Table” written by Idina Menzel of Frozen fame. And the last verse says this:

“At this table, everyone is welcome. At this table, everybody cares. At this table, everybody matters. So come, pull up a chair.”

I invite you to enjoy me, to practice hospitality, not hostility. Follow xenia, not xenophobia. Let’s make our corners of the world a little more hospitable, loving, and humane. Let’s make tables where all are welcome and there is plenty of room for that extra chair, or in some cases, just enough room on the bench for the stranger in need. Thank you.