Here is the full transcript of Gigi Tewari’s talk titled “How Money Keeps You Trapped In Toxic Relationships” at TEDxWidenerUniversity conference.
In this TEDx talk, Gigi Tiwari highlights the pervasive issue of financial abuse, particularly among women and minority groups. She shares her personal journey of overcoming financial challenges post-divorce, underscoring the importance of financial literacy and independence. Tiwari, a law professor, stresses that financial abuse is a significant factor keeping individuals in abusive relationships.
She emphasizes the role of education in empowering people to manage their finances, thereby enabling them to escape toxic situations. Finally, Tiwari advocates for sharing personal stories and building support networks to combat financial abuse and promote financial responsibility.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Financial Abuse and Gender Inequality
According to the Wall Street Journal, 55% of the world’s adults with no bank account to their name are women. So, the issue I am discussing tonight encompasses money and gender. Tonight, I will address a silent form of domestic violence: financial abuse. In countries like India and Pakistan, these women carry their money on their bodies, wedding jewelry on their arms as gold bracelets or necklaces, or maybe they might tuck some money away under a mattress or in a closet or drawer.
So, imagine how difficult it is for these women if they decide that they want to leave their marriage, or worse, they need to leave their marriage because their partner is hurting them or their children. An Indian media source, The Free Press Journal, boasts a divorce rate in India of 1%, citing the country’s ability to maintain relationships better than other parts of the world.
So, you would think for first and second-generation immigrants transitioning from the culture of the East, the expectation to be a traditional girl or boy, moving to the world of the West in the United States, that they would adopt the mantra of the United States to become anything they want.
And yet, the Washington Post cites that while the divorce rate for Americans generally is just under 50%, for Indian Americans, this divorce rate maintains at that 1%, rising up to just 15%.
I posit that this is not because of one culture’s ability to maintain relationships better than another’s, but rather it’s because of a term I call the culture of silence. The societal pressure to stay in an abusive or toxic relationship, whether it be in a workplace or employment setting or in a domestic relationship setting, which I’m discussing tonight.
Now, there are certainly many loving and safe relationships out there all over the world, across cultures and regions. But statistically, this issue affects women more than men, though it affects also members of the LGBTQ community, those with different genders and identities.
The Plight of Financial Abuse
According to the Department of Justice, domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior by one partner over another to maintain control in the forms of isolation or manipulation. And it can be physical, emotional, or economic. Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence that we need to combat and that we can through networks of support.
My name is Gigi Tewari. I am a law professor at Widener University Delaware Law School. I teach contract and business law, and I write fiction, poetry, and nonfiction. I want to share a personal story with you. It is difficult for me to share, so please bear with me.
I know that it is important to share it because it will help others that might be afraid to share their stories. My loving parents emigrated to the United States from India in the 1970s. My father is now a retired engineer, my mother a dietician. I was born in Worcester, Massachusetts, where I grew up.
I was not perceived as the greatest student, especially within the Indian American community, but I somehow went to outstanding schools, graduating from Cornell University for my undergraduate degree, Fordham Law School for my law degree, and Columbia University for a master’s in fine art. I fell in love with literature, philosophy, and law, and I learned so much. It was a true privilege. But despite all of my degrees, I had not learned financial responsibility.
Overcoming Financial Challenges
When I got married, I stopped working. I began raising children, and most of the finances, my husband took control. Flash forward to the age of 40, I made the very difficult decision to file for divorce. And I had to learn financial responsibility fast.
My cell phone was under my husband’s plan, and it had now been disconnected. Most of my credit cards had now been cut. The internet in the apartment my children and I live in, shut. The main bank account I shared with my husband and his mother, entering a negative balance.
But most terrifying of all, my children and I facing eviction from our apartment. I had to learn how to create a family budget. I had to learn how to spend and save so that I could provide for my children the sports and school and extracurricular activities that they deserve, and save enough left over for the childcare so that I could go to work. I began skipping meals when I would take the children out to eat.
I started taking the subway instead of a taxi, even if I felt unsafe. It was not sustainable. I had to learn financial responsibility. And by reaching out to my network of support, my community, I learned these skills.
Empowerment Through Financial Education
My lawyer, my therapist, my family, my friends, neighbors, my colleagues. Each person taught me a different aspect of financial responsibility. One person introduced me to Costco, buying food in bulk for my family. Another person gave me the idea to start teaching a summer course, which I designed this past summer in my area of focus, corporate social responsibility.
I started taking initiative to learn different investment strategies. And with my daughters, we started a weekend dog walking business with my daughters in charge of managing the expenses and the revenue. Now, I know some of you might think, wow, this should all be common sense. And I certainly felt embarrassed and ashamed.
But part of feminism is about sharing our story to help others have the courage to move away from a difficult situation that they are in. Information sharing is one way towards financial responsibility. Other key ways are financial awareness and financial literacy. So, I’d like to move now to the fundamental importance of teaching financial responsibility.
The Role of Education in Financial Empowerment
In my contract and business law classes, I often incorporate narratives that are not traditionally discussed. There’s a famous case taught in almost every first-year class, Lucy versus Zehmer. The central issue defined by the court in this case is whether Mr. Zehmer’s offer of sale of his farm to Mr. Lucy was made as a joke. You see, the two men were drinking at a bar when an exchange occurred, and Mr. Lucy really wanted Mr. Zehmer to sell the farm.
So, the court held that the contract is enforceable so long as a reasonable person would believe that both parties agreed to enter into the transaction. Mr. Zehmer’s attorney tried to argue that this clearly wasn’t an agreement that any reasonable person would believe occurred because they were drinking in a bar. The court disagreed, finding that while it wasn’t a bar, an offer was made and an offer was accepted, neither person being intoxicated.
What the court left out was that Mrs. Zehmer was also there that night, standing right next to her husband, across from Mr. Lucy, vehemently opposing the sale of their farm, expressing this to her husband, albeit the court states in a whisper.
So, when I discuss this case with my students, I ask them to think about how they would counsel Mrs. Zehmer if they were her attorney, how they would advise her to handle this transaction now and future financial transactions in order to protect her rights and assets. And if this case were tried in modern day and they were the judge, how would they write a decision that incorporates not only the majority narrative, but all of the narratives involved?
Teaching financial responsibility is a privilege and an obligation for those of us who are lucky enough to be able to do it. Teaching financial responsibility can level the wage gap between different groups. It can provide a person with the confidence and security to leave a difficult situation.
Because for many, the fear of not being able to feed one’s family is far greater than the fear of a bloody lip or a bruised ego. Teaching financial responsibility could save someone’s life. Thank you.