How to Handle a Bad Boss: Rob Kalwarowsky (Transcript)

Read the full transcript of Rob Kalwarowsky’s talk titled “How to Handle a Bad Boss” at TEDxKumamoto 2024 conference.

Listen to the audio version here:

TRANSCRIPT:

Learning to Deal with a Bad Boss

ROB KALWAROWSKY: Everything I learned about how to deal with a bad boss, I learned from Jean-Claude Van Damme and my dog. This is Winston. He’s super cute, loving, loyal, but don’t let that fool you, he’s a real handful to manage. Took him out a few weeks ago, and boom, he bolts into the bushes, bites downstairs, pulling with all his might.

When I caught up with him, I saw my 30-pound Labrador trying to devour a 30-foot ash tree. I tried everything to make him stop. Asked, begged, yelled, pulled his leash. Nothing worked. Finally sat down, feeling frustrated, angry, powerless.

As a leadership coach, I talk a lot about self-awareness and empathy. But how can I teach Fortune 500 companies management skills when I can’t manage my own dog? Other dog owners love to give friendly advice, like, “You should be more aggressive with your dog. Show him who’s boss. Send him to a trainer. Improve his skills.” Or even, “Fire this dog, get a more competent dog. German Shepherd.”

The Quit Talk Trend

And then there are the people who go, “Consider journaling.” The assumption always is, the problem’s with the dog. But it hit me. Why am I trying to manage my dog? It’s like my greatest fear is that Winston looks me in the eye and barks, “That’s it, I’m out.” Because so many people are doing it now, in real life.

Have you seen the documentaries? “This is Brianna and I quit.” “This week I quit.” “I quit my job.” “I quit my job and my friend filmed it all.” “So, I quit.” “I quit.”

These are called “quit talks.” There’s thousands of them with 49 million watching and applauding.

Now, recording your resignation and posting it online feels like an American Gen Z thing. But quitting’s not. That’s everybody. Retail, healthcare, technology, manufacturing, across generations, across the board.

Bad Bosses and Quitting

But are these people entitled? Or are they desperate? Broadcasting to everyone because no one’s listening. And if you look at the comments, most of them say, “Wow, your boss must be an asshole.”

And what if they’re right? 50% of adults have quit a job because of bad management. Because what else could you do if your boss was an asshole? Well, actually, here in Japan, for just 20,000 yen or 175 US dollars, you can outpay a company to quit for you.

Can you imagine today’s role of Rob quitting will be played by Jean-Claude Van Damme? Companies like this do make sense, though. If you grow up learning that expressing your needs is just not something you’re expected to do.

Japanese describe this in two words, hone and tatemai. Hone means your true self, your true voice, what you really want and feel. Tatemai literally means “built in front.” It’s the facade, the mask you want everyone to see. But this isn’t about being two-faced.

The Prevalence of Bad Bosses

It’s about social cohesion. You keep harmony without offending others. So every day when you go to work, you’ll be wearing your tatemai, the mask with the big smiley face on it, to show how happy you are to work there. Your boss, your friends, your family, no one will know that your true voice is saying, “I hate it here.”

So what does the stereotypical bad boss look like? Arrogant, unfair, physically and verbally violent, punishing subordinates when they don’t meet his unreasonable demands. Bosses like this do exist, so much so that here in Japan, there’s a term for this type of workplace bullying, “power harassment” or “pawa-hara.” Social psychologist Yasuko Okada coined the term in 2003, and her work is the basis of the Power Harassment Prevention Act of 2019. This law is supposed to prevent bosses from taking advantage of their superior positions.

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But when bosses look at all this, they can easily conclude, “I’m not Darth Vader, so I must be doing a great job.” And that is the problem, because most bosses fall outside the definition of pawa hara. There’s a groundbreaking Swedish study where researchers wanted to know if there was more to destructive leadership than the stereotypes, and this is what they found.

Types of Destructive Bosses

Of course, looking at this graph, all you can tell is it’s a Swedish study, but hey, the Swedes are like the IKEA of research, great at assembling stuff, but good luck making sense of the instructions. So let’s clarify the results. Here’s our arrogant and violent boss, the classic pawa hara, Darth Vader. But only 5.5% of the workforce reported they had him as a boss.

So who are the others? They break promises, don’t trust their employees, but do take credit for their work. They also use threats and punishments to keep people in line. Have you had a fun boss like that? Almost 20% of people have.

Then there are the bosses who act the complete opposite and are too passive, like cowardly bosses who avoid confrontation, don’t show an active interest in the company, and never step up when their employees need them. You can identify them by their trademark phrases, “That’s not my decision, it’s for upper management,” or “I don’t want to micromanage, you figure it out.”

Then there are the messy bosses who are bad at structuring and planning. They confuse employees by flip-flopping, delaying decisions, and giving unclear instructions. There’s always chaos around a messy boss.

Combination Types of Destructive Bosses

Finally, there’s two combination types. “Did you text during the meeting? Now everyone’s phone is confiscated.” That’s the passive-aggressive boss, who doesn’t do the work, doesn’t take responsibility, and masks their lack of leadership by being arrogant and unfair.

Then there’s the passive-egocentrics, who just want to get ahead and claim all success as their own, but they do it behind your back. The end result is shocking. Only one-third of the working-age population works for a boss who scores low on destructive traits. All the rest are at the whim of supervisors who are actively or passively destructive.

And this is the result. The more to the right a boss falls on this graph, the more they bring down their company’s ability to hit goals, and the well-being of employees. This is what the researchers called the “global destructive factor.”

And yes, global destructive factor. Sounds like a 1996 movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, who has saved Kylie Minogue from Sylvester Stallone. I would totally watch that. It has both my favorite things, martial arts and Swedish psychological research.

The Impact of Destructive Leadership

The trend is clear. Bosses with low amounts of destructive behavior can make their companies thrive. With the right support, bosses with messy and cowardly traits can do all right. But bosses with actively destructive behaviors, work performance drops, job satisfaction plummets, and employees suffer.

Toxic workplaces raise the risk of strokes and heart attack, and the risk of depression goes up by 300%. And where there’s more depression, there’s more suicide. Toxic leadership is literally killing us. And I wish I didn’t, but I know that from experience.

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When I started working, I thought I had it all. Played on a junior national team, went to MIT, got a mechanical engineering degree. My first job in mining, I saved my company millions. I thought I was on the fast track to success, to happiness.

But then it all came crashing down. My boss was passive-aggressive, constantly flipping from, “You can figure it out,” to “We’ve always done it this way.” Unclear, uncertain, nothing I did was ever good enough. Some people might walk away from this. I turned in on myself.

Personal Experience with Depression

I didn’t know it, but I’d spent my life craving recognition and validation from teachers, coaches, to my parents. It was my survival strategy. The mask I wore for the outside world, Reliable Rob. I had no idea who I was under that mask. And I wore it for so long, I convinced myself, “This is me.”

Day by day, my manager ground me down. First, he made me question my choices at work, then my purpose, and my life itself without any meaning. Depressing, right? I didn’t even know I was depressed. It just felt like nothing was right. So I did the only thing I knew. I worked out. I swam, lifted, biked, ran, got shredded. My first mask crumbled, so I grabbed another one. It didn’t work.

In 2013, six months after this picture was taken, I tried to take my life. It wasn’t a plan. It wasn’t something I even wanted to do. It just sort of happened.

Aftermath of a Suicide Attempt

Now, there are two versions of what happens next. In my movie, Global Destructive Factor, I, played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, have been knocked down by my boss, Sylvester Stallone. Defeated. But then, flashback. “Remember your training. Fall down seven times. Rise up eight.” And with that, Van Damme jumps up, knocks Stallone out. One punch man style. In reality, my experience was a little different. No flashback. No voice. No victory.

Just woke up the next morning. Found myself still alive. Got dressed, and went to work. Like nothing happened. Apparently, this is what a lot of suicide attempt survivors do. I didn’t tell anyone at work. My family. Not even my psychiatrist. The mask was back on, and I remained hidden. Even from myself.

Realizing the Importance of Culture and Leadership

My life was killing me, and I couldn’t change. Didn’t know how to. So I kept working. For years. Until one day, after interviewing dozens of experts for my podcast on how to make workplaces more effective, it all clicked. I thought the solution was in best practices, procedures, technology. All important ingredients, but they’re not the core. The core is culture.

And what makes or breaks culture is leadership. Bringing us back to these guys. By now you know these aren’t real people. They’re roles, facades, masks. Because just as great leadership is learned, toxic leadership is also learned. From kindergarten to sports, our model of leadership is who’s the biggest person in the room. Whether that’s the teacher, the coach, or the bully.

The Performance of Leadership

As adults, we see people put on their big bad boss masks to get those positions of authority. And we put our own masks on to survive. Because we believe they are what leadership looks like. It’s like a play.

But with one big difference. I’m standing here on this traditional Japanese nose stage where the performance doesn’t start when the actors step out here. They’re trained to deeply immerse themselves in their roles from the moment they start to put their character’s robes on.

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But after the play is over, removing the mask and leaving the role behind is a crucial conscious process. We don’t get this training. We all leave our masks on. We don’t know any better. Most employees, they won’t make quit talk videos. They won’t speak up. They internalize the pressure, they abuse the beam until they hit their breaking points and take their own lives. I suggest we stop saying, “It’s just how it is.” It’s not something that just happens.

Creating Healthier Working Relationships

So, if all our problems come from the daily performance of what we call work, then why don’t we choose to create healthier working relationships for ourselves? What would that rule include? Some say, “Get to know your boss. Suck up to them. Make them like you.” Others say, “Just quit.” It’s like saying, “Roll the dice.” 65% chance you’ll end up with another toxic boss. Many times, quitting is the right choice. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution.

Each boss requires a different strategy. Let’s start off with the easy ones, like the messy bosses. They’re not out to get you. They just don’t know how to manage effectively.

So, with each new project, ask for clarifications and specifics. When’s the deadline? Let’s work on a project plan together. For cowardly bosses, they avoid making decisions. So, ask for direct confirmation. “Will it work if I deliver my project Friday?”

Dealing with Abusive Bosses

With these strategies, you can create relationships with messy and cowardly bosses. But, as we move to the directly abusive bosses, remember, it’s not your job to fix your boss or enable their abuse. You might understand, even empathize with whatever’s causing their behavior. But if they’re abusive, don’t take it.

For the passive-aggressive and passive-egocentrics, be direct when they step out of line. Like, if they gaslight or take credit for your work, say, “This behavior is unacceptable.” Setting hard boundaries is the only way to deal with them while you’re looking for another job. Because with them, you won’t win.

Finally, for arrogant and violent bosses or abusive narcissists, setting hard boundaries, reporting them to HR is optional. If you’re in danger, get out. My dad once said to me, “No job is worth your life.” And life is good.

Which brings me back to my good boy, Winston. When Winston was chewing a tree, I felt frustrated and powerless, so I chose to double down on trying to get him to comply. Like an asshole boss. But now, I can just laugh at the absurdity of my dog trying to take down a tree.

Learning from Winston

Because I realized something. It took me decades to figure it out. I could have just asked Winston. He has no mask. No destructive behaviors. Just himself. And that’s okay. Because what we’ve created isn’t a power dynamic. So my question, “How do I deal with an asshole boss?” Remove the asshole. That is, unlearn the assholery. And replace it with awareness and relationships.

And who knows, you might literally be saving lives. Thank you. Thank you.