How to Lead Tough Conversations: Adar Cohen (Transcript)

Adar Cohen at TEDxKeene

Here is the full transcript of conflict resolution expert Adar Cohen’s talk titled “How to Lead Tough Conversations” at TEDxKeene conference.

Listen to the MP3 Audio: How to Lead Tough Conversations by Adar Cohen at TEDxKeene


I’m in a concrete maze the size of 72 football fields. I’m being led from checkpoint to checkpoint. And before each door opens, the door behind me slams shut. The lock echoes while I’m searched and interviewed again.

It’s a maximum-security jail, the largest in the country: The Cook County Jail in Chicago, Illinois.

I’m here for the meeting, I say again. Repeat my credentials. It’s my first time visiting a jail and everyone can tell. They take my phone. They take my keys and they take my little bag of almonds. Almonds?

Finally, I’m left in a room with two men who stare at me as I enter. One is a gang leader; the other is a corrections officer and each of them is the size of four of me. Which basically means I’m outnumbered eight to one.

Their arms are strapped across their chests, flashes of anger in their eyes. I’m terrified and I’m thinking they were worried about my almonds.

The heavy door behind me slams shut. It’s just the three of us now. No one moves.

Now who’s had the very same experience?

But whether you’re a C-level executive or a spouse or you’re a part of any kind of team, you probably know this to be true, that one conversation can change everything.

So I want you to think of a tough conversation that people around you need to have. You got it?

There’s some issue that’s holding them back from accomplishing what they want to accomplish. I believe they might be one conversation away from accomplishing that thing. But they’re not having the conversation they need to have, or they’ve tried and it hasn’t gone well.

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I’ve led some pretty tough conversations in some pretty tough environments: Northern Ireland, the Middle East, corporate boardrooms.

I actually have a PhD in leading difficult conversations and here’s what I’ve learned. We’re not having the conversations we need to have and that’s mostly because we’re afraid. We don’t want to make things worse.

But not having these conversations, or having them poorly is really bad. And most of us know this from our work.

Some issue arises for a team. It could be a minor issue but it goes unaddressed. Frustration sets in. Communication constricts. Tensions rise. Trust evaporates and collaboration is done.

Remember we’re talking about teams that perform surgeries, land planes, run schools. Many of us are a part of teams that perform crucial functions. We can’t afford to avoid tough conversations, so that conversation that you thought of, that people around you need to have, you can lead that conversation.

And I’m going to give you three simple rules to being vastly more effective in leading it. Wherever you use these rules: at work, at home, people are going to thank you.

And then they’ll start reaching goals they couldn’t reach before and they will come and find you and thank you again. And you’ll benefit because the people around you will more successful, not miserable which makes your life better.

So the three rules.

Rule Number One: Move toward the conflict. Most of us don’t like conflict but it’s normal, healthy, and totally human. Without conflict, problems hide everywhere. Big problems. Problems we all want to solve. So conflict is information, and handled well, conflict is opportunity.

So rather than running from it or pretending it’s not there, move toward it. More on this in a minute.

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