Here is the full transcript of Abhay Valsangkar’s talk titled “How To Make A Human Connection In An Ever Increasing AI World” at TEDxVIT conference.
Conversation coach Abhay Valsangkar’s talk, “How To Make A Human Connection In An Ever Increasing AI World,” explores the profound impact of artificial intelligence on human interactions and emphasizes the importance of maintaining genuine connections despite technological advancements.
He introduces the concept of different quadrants of attachment to others, highlighting the pitfalls of being overly attached or completely disconnected. Through engaging anecdotes and personal experiences, Abhay elucidates how excessive attachment can lead to draining oneself emotionally, while total disconnection results in a lack of fulfilling relationships. He advocates for a balanced approach, urging the audience to adopt vulnerability and empathy to forge deeper connections.
Abhay provides practical strategies, such as the C = A + R + E formula, to enhance attentiveness, responsiveness, and the willingness to evolve in relationships. His talk is a compelling reminder of the value of human touch in a digital age and a call to action to nurture our relationships intentionally. Ultimately, Valsangkar’s message is a beacon of hope for a future where technology and human connectivity coexist harmoniously, enriching rather than diminishing our social fabric.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
May I request everyone to please keep your hands like this in front of you. Great, thank you. Let’s clap on the count of three. Ready? One, two. Oh, what happened there? You can keep your hands down. I said let’s clap on the count of three. But most of us, we clapped on the count of two. Why did we do so? It’s because you did so, Abhay, and that’s why we did, right? And that’s the fundamental of connecting with human beings, because people do what you do, not what you say.
So if I stand here and say, “Hey, no smoking,” you’re not going to believe what I say, right? You’re going to believe what I do. And of what I have learned in my journey so far, I’m honored to be here and share the same with you.
Hi, my name is Abhay Valsangkar. I’m a conversation coach, and for the past decade, I’ve helped more than 50,000 participants to connect with other human beings when technology is breathing in and out every single day.
The Digital Influence on Human Connections
This journey starts in a very interesting conversation I had with my neighbor’s daughter, a little five-year-old child. I was having a conversation with her, and I asked her, “Hey, where do you go to school?” And she said, “In the bedroom.” I’m like, “Where?” In the bedroom. And I was confused.
Her mother walks in, and she’s like, “No, we have a laptop there, she does her school online, and that’s how it’s in the bedroom.” I’m like, “Oh, okay, I get it.” So I asked her, “So who are your friends? Do you have any friends?” She’s like, “Two.” I’m like, “That’s good enough,” right? For some of our introverts, two means social person, two friends. That’s a big thing for us. So she had two, and I’m like, “That’s great. Can you tell me what are their names?” And she says, “Chhota Bheem, Doraemon.” I’m like, “Okay.” And that got me thinking, today we are surrounded by technology so much that even our friends are fictional and not in reality.
And that is what has a fear in me that the world is going to take over with artificial intelligence. Are you and me ready to be humans in this AI world? So let’s start. And for the start, I have four different clips for you. I want you to observe them and then answer the question which I have for you at the end. Here’s the first clip. “The simplest trick for you to become a better listener is to start understanding the meaning behind the word and not the word itself.” Clear enough?
Unveiling the Power of AI
Let’s look at the second clip. The second one. [Hindi] Let’s go for the third. Some of my friends are laughing. Let’s go for the fourth. “The simplest trick for you to become a better listener is to start understanding the meaning behind the word and not the word itself.”
Okay. Now you might feel, “Wow, he knows so many languages.” Well, I don’t. But let’s see how AI works. The first one was English. Second one was Hindi. Then Tamil. And then Spanish. Now when I say go, for all the people in the auditorium, shout out which do you think is the original clip. And for all those watching online, you can just comment below which one do you think. Okay? Ready? Just shout out which language do you think was original. Ready? Go. Wow. Some of you are saying English. Some of you are maybe Hindi or Tamil.
What if I told you, and this is where I want you to take a minute to accept it, what if I told you the original clip is actually none of the four that you see. And the original was actually Marathi, which is not even there in this video. Fascinating, right? Some of you are like, “What? How can that be possible?” And that’s the power of AI. In my field, if it can take to such a level, imagine how it affects all of us. We are being taken over by AI in each and every manner. Is it right? Is it wrong? Is not the question. How do we still remain human in this AI world is the real question.
So, let me give you an example of how AI has surrounded us. Remember the days when most of you were growing up like me? I go back to my school days, five o’clock in the morning, the doorbell used to ring, ting-tong, and the milkman used to come with his tray, right? And then my mother or my father would take a vessel.
My eyes would be half awake, half asleep, and he would pour in the milk.
And my mom or dad would be like, “So much water in milk nowadays, what are you doing?” And they would say, “It’s not my milk, it’s the buffalo, right?” She’s giving it in that way. Those conversations we had with the milkman are nowhere to be seen now. Remember the days for those who know the idea of a cyber cafe? We used to go and pay 30 rupees for 15 minutes, half an hour, and then do our school projects there. Today’s kids have no idea they exist.
I remember going to an STD booth to make a call and then waiting for that meter because we only had a certain amount of money and we need to have the conversation within that limit. But today you just have everything on a call. The touch points of writing a letter and sending it to someone, the happiness of seeing a postman arrive, all that has gone in the modern world because AI has done most of the solutions for us.
And that leaves us with the question, today’s kids, how many people are they actually meeting in their real life? How much of AI is actually consuming them? And that’s where, even in education, even in banking, I heard of a recent conversation between a 72-year-old guy and a lady in the US and they were talking about their social security number, SSN number.
And then the wife is like, “Hey, what’s the SSN number?” And then Alexa replies from behind with the SSN number. And they’re like, “What? How did Alexa know what is our SSN number, right?” So we have no idea how much technology is consuming us in the field of banking, in the field of entertainment, be it personal or be it professional. We are all surrounded by artificial intelligence in every single way. How do we connect and become humans and connect is what we want to see in this talk today.
The Human Connection in a Digital World
Now, here’s the first things first. All of us as humans, the common connection between us are our imperfections, right? Not the perfections. So this helps us to connect a lot. So let’s look at this. How many of you, when you’re browsing something online, you prefer to stay private and you use a mode called as an incognito mode. You can just raise your hand if you do so. Thank you. A lot of you. Some of you are smiling. You’re like, “I’m not going to tell you what I’m searching for, right?” I’ll leave that up to you. But we do it. We call it as an incognito mode, wherein you, whatever you are searching stays in private. You leave no trace. Nobody knows about it.
Now, that’s one way to approach life. Some of us are living in the incognito mode, even in real life. We choose to remain private. We choose to remain disconnected. We don’t want to have a social life. And that’s okay. There’s no hard and fast rule, you should have a social life. But as human beings, I feel we are social animals. And we are living a fulfilled life if we have people around to cherish with. Otherwise, what’s the whole point of the talk if there’s no one to listen around, right? And that’s where the human connection has a very important factor.
So as we live in a world of duality, you know, every up has a down, every rise has a fall, every in has an out. Similarly, every incognito mode has a framework which I have developed, which I call as the inconecto mode. Now what is the inconecto mode? The inconecto mode is actually a mode wherein you are in connection with the people around you. And that’s when you really, really can have a human connection, even with AI consuming all over.
Now, this mode, if you see on your screen, has two axes, X and the Y. The X being vulnerability. Now, this is a buzzword, right? For the past few years, everybody’s like, “Be vulnerable, then you’ll do this, you’ll do that.” But what is vulnerability? Let’s understand in the simplest way. Vulnerability is your willingness to share, to share about yourself to people around, unfiltered the way you are.
And then what is empathy, which is on the Y axis, your ability to care, to care for others. So in a simple way, if you want to develop a connection with another human being in today’s world, these are the two pillars: vulnerability and empathy, the ability to share and the ability to care. But now most of us, we fall under one of the four quadrants. And the idea is to go to the fourth quadrant. But let us see which one are we in.
The very first one is what I call as the attached quadrant. Now, why do I say so? If you look at the vulnerability, it is very low. But if you look at the empathy, it is very high, which means you’re caring too much for the people around. But you’re not caring for yourself and you’re not sharing enough to others. This is what I typically say, the mom syndrome. Now, what’s the mom syndrome? Our moms are always there for us, right? They’re caring throughout. They don’t want you to get hurt.
But here’s the deal. If you have ever seen a bird teach their children how to fly, they don’t do it inside of the nest, right? You have to take the leap of faith. Only then can you do it. So, in the process of overprotecting people around you, you get attached so much that you’re like a leech on the person. And whenever it’s like a power bank that you have, you’re at 100% charged, someone with an emotional problem comes and you’re like, “No, I’m there for you, this and that.” You’re draining yourself. You come to 70%.
Somebody else comes, you’re 50, 40, 30. End of the day, you are at zero. And you find yourself in too much attachment to people around, and they take you for a ride. How many of you can understand this phase, and you have been through it? Excellent. Thank you. A few hands going up.
So, if you’re in this phase, then I want you to understand what Buddha said, “The root of all suffering is attachment.” You might feel, “But I want my people to stay safe.” Absolutely great. But then ships are not meant to be in the harbor, right? They’re safe there. They’re meant to be in the sea, in the ocean. So do we need to care too much for other people? Well, up to an extent wherein your caring doesn’t protect them, but rather harms them. That’s the problem. Because then you’re going to limit their existence.
Navigating the Quadrants of Connection
So, if you’re in the first quadrant of attachment, I would rather suggest you go to the second quadrant, which is disconnected. Now, why do I say disconnected? It is low on vulnerability and it is low on empathy as well, which means you neither want to share, you neither want to care. You want to live alone, which again, as I say, is a way of life. That’s absolutely okay. But is it really living a fulfilled life by staying all alone throughout? So that’s the question we need to ask.
So be more open towards sharing with people, and definitely, it will help you to proceed towards the next quadrant. Now, if you are still in that quadrant of having no conversations at all, of being in a space where you’re neither empathetic nor vulnerable, then this is what would happen. As engineers, if you’re watching this, you know what is error 404, right? Conversations not found. Why? Because you prefer to live in that way. So, for a fulfilled life, you need a few people around you, and that’s why you need to know how to make a connection.
The third quadrant is where again, some of us are, it’s called as the detached quadrant. Now, why detached? If you look at the vulnerability, it’s very high, which means you’re willing to share. But at the same time, the empathy is very low, which means you’re not willing to care enough, which simply means it’s all about you. You’re thinking about yourself. “Hey, you know what, this happened in my life, that happened,” you want all the attention that comes your way. All of you, if you remember way back, and I’m talking to a generation who might know about the ’90s, ’70s, and ’80s, there was a movie called as “Rudali.” Anyone of you here heard of that movie? Yeah, thank you.
From Detachment to Connection
All the ’80s, ’70s, ’60s people hands are going up. That was a concept wherein you pay money for people to go at a funeral and cry. That was a concept. So, it was instant, you call them, they start crying. Some of us are in this mode like that we are ready to cry instantly. Whenever someone comes in my life, “This happened today, I did not get the coffee, it was too cold.” So, you’re thinking about almost everything. And you think you’re sharing, you’re vulnerable. So, people are going to come to you. But in reality, you’re actually scaring them because now, who wants to be next to a “Rudali” person, right? You would rather want someone who’s happy and cheerful.
So, if you’re in this mode, I would highly recommend coming towards the next. Because in this mode, you’re at the victim mode, right? It’s like a victim card, because everything happens to me only. And then when you swipe, it’s declined, nobody wants your victim card. So, if you are at this point, you better come towards the next point, which I say, which I recommend is the connected mode, wherein you’re high on sharing and high on caring, you are vulnerable, you are at a point where you are empathetic.
But now the question is, “Abhay, I understand we need to go here. But how do we get there?” That’s the biggest question. And for that to do, I have a simple formula with me. If you want all of us to stay connected, even in an AI world, you simply need to follow this formula called C = A + R + E. Now, what is C? C is nothing but connection, the way we can stay connected in an AI world. Now, what is A?
Formula for Connection
Let’s come towards the first one. A is often the things that happen between you and your partner. I recently got married, and I have a wonderful conversation with my wife. And then when she’s saying something, I’m like, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.” And then she goes, “So what should I do?” And then there’s a buzzer inside. Okay, she was saying something. Okay, now I need to be conscious and understand, right? Because she’s asking something. How many of you in a conversation, you get zoned out, you can raise your hand if you do. Thank you. Excellent.
Some of you are like, “Yeah, now also I’m zoning out.” Some of you are in that mode right now. And that happens. It’s human. So, if you want to stay connected in an AI world and develop the human connection, then you need to understand attention is the key. We usually listen to reply, right? Somebody says something, and you want to reply. The idea is to listen to understand, understand the meaning behind the words. So when someone says, “Do what you want,” it’s not actually “do what you want.” It’s that you shouldn’t do that, right? Avoid it altogether. So, understand the meaning behind the words and not the words itself.
Because in today’s digital world, attention is your currency. Look at all the social media influencers, YouTubers, politicians, sports people, they get the attention of the crowd. And the moment you get the attention of your audience, this is going to flow in for sure. So if you want to stay connected, make sure that you’re highly attentive towards the people around, and that helps you in building a connection.
The second one is also very interesting. If somebody pinches you, you instantly go, “Ouch.” Now, that is what we call as a reaction. But in a world of reaction, instantly when you do something, it’s not appreciated. Why? Because that’s often in that temper that you respond, right? Imagine if your friend, your colleague, your spouse comes and tells you, “Hey, I’m going to quit the job. I’ve dropped my papers.” And you immediately go, “Are you crazy? Who will take care of the kids? What about the business? Blah, blah, blah.” Done. You won’t obviously appreciate that. So, when you are having conversations with people, remember, never ever react. You should always choose to respond.
The Path to True Connection
Now, what’s the difference between reaction and response? In simple layman language, if I would say, the difference between a reaction and a response is six seconds, which means the moment somebody says something to me, if I stand there for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and then I ask an open-ended question, if someone says, “Hey, I’m leaving the job,” wait, take six seconds, and then, “Okay? So how does that make you feel? Can you tell me what is the thought process? Do you have a plan?” If you ask open-ended questions, they are willing to then interact with you. But if you go on repeating what you have just said, nobody cares. So, that’s when you need to actually connect by giving a response.
And the third one, my favorite, is to evolve. Now, what do I mean by this? A lot of us, we have lived our life in a certain vision like this. We call it the tunnel vision. And we believe this is the truth. This is life. But what if I tell you that real life and success or whatever we are chasing is not here, it’s actually here, which is out of the tunnel vision. Then what do we do, right?
So, if some of us believe this is how life should be, I have lived it in this way, then the connection with people is going to reduce. If you broaden your vision so that even if you come here, you are still having a broader vision, that helps you to connect with people. So, in simple terms, if you want to connect with humans in an AI world, you simply need to, as you see on the top here, as simple as that. This connection is attention, response plus evolve.
So, let’s have a quick review of what we learned today. If you see, if you want someone’s attention, response, and evolve, it leads to what? Does it lead to connection, detachment, loneliness, or disconnection? What’s the answer? Connection. Thank you so much. Absolutely great. You are right.
And towards the end, all I need to share is a simple thought, that if we choose to connect with people, even in the AI world, then I’m sure that day is not far, that when I ask my neighbor’s little five-year-old child, “Hey, who are your friends?” she would rather say maybe a Raj or maybe a Simran, but definitely not a Shinchan or a Doraemon. I think that is the day when we are actually chasing an India and the world is in safe hands.
So, for being a wonderful participant throughout and not yawning throughout the talk, I would request you to raise your right hand up like this. Take it behind your back, pat yourself and say, “Well done, say well done.” Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you so much.