Here is the full text and summary of Tia Graham’s talk titled “The Simple Secret of Being Happier” at TEDxManitouSprings conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
When I was ten years old, things started shifting between my parents, and not for the better. One day they called a family meeting. We had never had a family meeting before.
They sat my two younger sisters and I down, and they told us that we would be moving from our little log cabin in northern British Columbia, Canada, to the southern part of the province, and that they would be divorcing. Of course, my sisters and I were devastated. The entire world that I knew was crumbling apart.
And yet, this was not the worst part. You see, my father, Peter, had always been this happy-go-lucky guy. The divorce was extremely hard on him, and he was becoming more and more withdrawn. He was less engaged with my sisters and I, he had less energy, and I barely recognized him anymore. I remember thinking to myself, is this my new dad?
One day I woke up at his house, and my sisters were still sleeping, and I could hear music playing downstairs, which was very unusual. As I came downstairs, I could smell fresh orange juice and bacon, and there was my dad, Peter, dancing and making pancakes. I said, ‘Good morning, dad.’
‘Good morning, Tia!’
I said, ‘Wow, Dad, you seem really happy today. Are you happy because it’s your birthday?’
‘You know, Tia, I have had three of the worst years of my entire life. And I woke up this morning, and I thought to myself, I’m not going to have another bad year.’
I saw my dad choose happiness. So what did he do exactly? He started doing things that he enjoyed doing. So he played upbeat music all the time. He went back to school and changed careers. He exercised outside, spent time with his horses, and he spent a lot of time with his friends.
I learned as a young teenager that happiness is a choice, and it’s something that you do. And this lesson impacted my entire life. However, at age 18 and 19, I was really struggling, and I was not happy. I had dropped out of university after one semester, and I was partying way too much.
I knew that there had to be more to life, and I knew that I had to choose happiness for myself. This decision took me from living in Calgary, Alberta, to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, where I worked with children one summer. I am so grateful that I chose Hilton Head because it exposed me to the travel and hospitality industries.
This experience led me to a 15-year career in the hospitality industry that I was passionate about and successful in. I led sales and marketing teams in Hawaii, New York City, Istanbul, and Los Angeles.
Remember, I’m from a little log cabin in northern Canada. A happy life is not about feeling happy all the time. This is a huge misconception. A happy life has more positive than pain. We all have pain. A happy life has meaning and purpose. And a happy life has different experiences that make you psychologically rich.
You think happiness comes from meeting other people and society’s expectations. But really, it comes from creating your own. Here is the simple secret of being happier. Spend time doing things you really enjoy doing. Society tells us what happiness is, what happiness looks like. But what really matters is how you feel.
So many people struggle with happiness. I struggle. You struggle. Whether it’s kids, works, finances, politics, non-stop technology, social media, family, or the never-ending 24-7 negative news cycle. I personally struggle to feed my family three times a day, seven days a week, every single week. I am not a good cook, and I don’t like cooking. Obviously, I would never make it on Top Chef. Bottom Chef called and said, don’t even bother.
Here’s just a few stats. 79% of people globally, according to Gallup’s research, show that 79% of people are disengaged while they’re working. That’s almost 80% of people. Many people doing work that they don’t like or that’s not meaningful to them. Also, according to Gallup’s global research, 41% of people have a lot of stress and worry on a regular basis. The World Health Organization said one in four are not getting enough exercise. And the term work-life balance has over 2.8 billion search results on Google.
And your brain, my brain, all of our brains have a negativity bias, which is really unfortunate. We have to work extra hard to be positive and optimistic. I’m going to share with you four things that many people really enjoy doing. I’m going to connect them to the science of happiness.
And I want you to think about these for yourself. Happiness choice number one. Spend a lot of quality time with your friends and your family. For me, this looks like weekly date nights with my husband, playing with my daughters every single day with my phone away, and FaceTiming and calling my sisters multiple times a week. For you, it might be spending a lot of time with your friends. For you, it might be spending a lot of time with your parents.
The Harvard Grant Study of Adult Development, an over 80-year study, proved that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships directly affect our health and our happiness. Human connection is the number one predictor of happiness. When I became a parent, I knew that I needed more family time. And then last Thursday, I was like, how much can I get for my kids on eBay? All the parents, yes, you relate.
Happiness choice number two is getting a good night’s sleep. This means sleeping seven to nine hours a night, every single night. Research shows that sleep increases our happiness, improves our brain functioning, and improves our overall quality of life.
So even though those streaming shows are so good, or even though you could stay up just one more hour to answer a few more emails, go to bed and leave your phone in the kitchen.
How do you treat your spouse or your partner when you’re really sleep deprived, maybe stressed? Right? We take it out on the people that love us the most. That’s who gets it.
Happiness choice number three, moving at least four times a week. Exercise increases our happiness, increases our brain functioning, and decreases stress and anxiety. Do not exercise to look good. Exercise to be happier. And I know you’re busy. You don’t need to do an hour workout class. Even if you move 15, 20 minutes, you will get the benefit.
Happiness choice number four is do work that you like, that’s meaningful to you. Research shows that meaningful work makes us happier and way more motivated while we’re working, and makes us happier in our personal life. And if you’re not at the opportunity right now to change jobs or change careers, just spend more time helping people, and your work will be more meaningful.
There are many other happiness choices, such as spending time in nature, meditating, volunteering, journaling when you’re going through pain. It’s about you. When you spend your time doing things you really enjoy doing, you operate at a higher level.
Happy people are more productive while they’re working. A recent Oxford-MIT study of over 6,000 people proved that people who felt happy while they’re working are 13% more productive. That means you work faster and you work smarter. And happy people are more successful.
Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology and many others, studied close to a million people over five years, and the research showed that people who are happy while they’re working were four times more likely to receive an accolade, four times more likely to receive a promotion. So it directly connects to your career success.
Happy people are healthier and live longer. So on one extreme, there’s being really selfish, only caring about yourself. On the other extreme, there’s doing what everyone else in society expects of you. The simple secret is to spend your time doing what you really enjoy doing so that you’re happier, more successful, and you will take care of everyone that you care about at a higher level.
What you enjoy doing may change over time, like when my dad found himself single or when you become a parent, for example. So what do you do? You reflect and take new action. We all have different set points of happiness based on our genetics and our life circumstances, but everyone can make it better for themselves.
In the recent article titled, Can Happiness Be Successfully Pursued?, the researchers write: ‘It takes both will and a proper way to become happier.’ I invite you to prioritize your happiness and spend your time doing things that you really enjoy doing. Imagine what that would do for your life.
Imagine if all parents prioritize their happiness and set this example for their children. Imagine if all leaders prioritize their happiness and set this example for their teams.
Think about you, all the parents and their children, all the leaders and their teams, now taking this renewed energy and using it to serve others and our planet. What kind of world would that look like?
Thank you.
Want a summary of this talk? Here it is.
SUMMARY:
Tia Graham’s talk, “The Simple Secret of Being Happier,” revolves around her personal journey and the valuable lessons she learned about happiness. Here are the key points from her talk:
1. Choosing Happiness: Tia’s story begins with her parents’ divorce when she was ten, which left her father, Peter, initially withdrawn and unhappy. However, one day, Tia witnessed her father making a conscious choice to be happy despite his difficult circumstances. This taught her that happiness is a choice.
2. Actions for Happiness: Tia observed her father’s transformation, noting that he began doing things he enjoyed, like playing upbeat music, pursuing new interests, exercising, and spending time with friends. This taught her that happiness is not just a state of mind; it’s something you actively engage in.
3. Career Transformation: After a period of unhappiness in her late teens, Tia decided to make a significant change in her life. She moved to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, where she discovered her passion for the travel and hospitality industries. This career shift brought her fulfillment and success.
4. Defining Happiness: Tia emphasizes that happiness isn’t about being happy all the time but having more positive experiences than negative ones. A happy life involves meaning, purpose, and a variety of enriching experiences.
5. Creating Your Own Happiness: Tia challenges the idea that happiness is solely defined by societal expectations and encourages individuals to create their own definition of happiness based on personal fulfillment.
6. Happiness Choices: She outlines four key happiness choices:
– Quality Relationships: Spending time with loved ones is crucial for happiness, backed by the Harvard Grant Study’s findings on the impact of human connections on health and happiness.
– Adequate Sleep: Getting 7-9 hours of sleep per night significantly boosts happiness, improves cognitive function, and enhances overall quality of life.
– Meaningful Work: Engaging in work that holds personal significance leads to increased happiness and motivation.
7. Benefits of Happiness: Tia highlights research that shows happy people are more productive, successful, healthier, and live longer.
8. Balancing Self and Society: She urges individuals to strike a balance between pursuing personal happiness and fulfilling societal expectations, emphasizing the importance of finding what brings genuine joy.
9. Adapting to Change: Tia acknowledges that what brings happiness may change over time due to life circumstances. She encourages self-reflection and taking new actions to maintain happiness.
10. Inspiring a Better World: Tia envisions a world where parents, leaders, and individuals prioritize their happiness and, in turn, serve others and the planet more effectively.
In her talk, Tia Graham provides a simple yet powerful message: happiness is a choice that involves actively engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment, ultimately leading to a more balanced and successful life.
