Here is the full text and summary of Dia Bondi’s talk titled “Why The Word ‘Yes’ Is Holding You Back” at TEDxSonomaCounty conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
For years, I co-conspired with my clients to leave money and opportunity on the table, and I didn’t even know I was doing it until I went to auctioneering school.
A few years ago, I went to auctioneering school for fun, for an adventure, for an experiment. It was me and a hundred cowboys in a training room in a run-of-the-mill hotel on the side of the highway somewhere in the Midwest, learning to sell everything from cattle to real estate to art to $5 box slots like you might find at a local garage sale. A hundred dollar bidder, now two, now two, would you give me two, it was something like that.
I turned that little adventure into an impact hobby, and when I got back home, I started doing fundraising auctioneering for women-led nonprofits and nonprofits benefiting women and girls, because it’s kind of my jam. And a few dozen fundraisers later, my two worlds came crashing together: communications and auctioneering.
And I now saw how I had been helping my clients lowball themselves and undermine the power of the asks that they were making in their businesses, in their careers, and in life. Here’s how I saw it.
So my clients come to me when they need to speak powerfully and use their voice to lead at really critical moments. And we have to know where they’re going with their pitch or with their story, so we always start with the question, what do you want? What are you asking for?
And it’s usually something like budget, headcount, opportunity to elevate their visibility in their organization or industry, a chance to run a big project. It is something in my skills workshops, folks make more personal requests like those, but from investments to a personal opportunity, once we know what the thing it is that they’re asking for, I need to understand how much of that thing are you asking for? The size, the amount, the quantifiable.
And this is when the hand-wringing starts. And I met with another question, which is, “Well, Dia, what do you think I can get?” And for years I was like, great question, what do you think you can get? And we game it all out, landing on an amount or a size that we thought we’d get a yes to, and then we’d go for that.
And when they got that yes, it would be like high-fives all around, look at us, we’re just a big score. But that’s not what we do as auctioneers. If I open a bidding right now at $100 and paddles go in the air and I say sold is the first one I saw, what have I done? I’ve left money on the table, never really knowing what I could have gotten.
And how do I know what’s possible in a negotiation? It’s by focusing on one thing and one thing only, and it’s that little and wonderful word, no. When I’m auctioneering, I don’t look for a yes, I look for a no. And when I get it, I sell for the price or the amount just beneath that. No lets me know I’ve maximized the opportunity of that ask. No is great news.
I can’t even sell anything until I get a no, because it lets me know that I’ve what? I’ve hit the ceiling of what’s possible. No is not a bad word.
Now, I know since I’ve had this insight, I asked myself this question. What if we all asked like auctioneers? Now, I know that you’re not in competitive bidding situations when you go to make the asks that matter in your life, in your business and in your career. But you do. We do have the opportunity not to craft our asks based on, hey, what do you think I can get? But instead on what we think will threaten a no and then go for that.
But why don’t we? We don’t because everything between a guaranteed yes and that menacing word no lives in a place I like to call the zone of freaking out. Or for short, you can just call it the Zofo. The Zofo gives us that feeling, doesn’t it? That feeling that says things to you like, how dare you? Who do you think you are? You’re going to ruin everything.
But the Zofo is also where all the potential is. It’s where we challenge our assumptions about what’s possible. It’s where we honor ourselves and what we want and need to reach our goals. And when we’re in it, we get more. And if you can get that no and negotiate down, you can be sure you will be certain you’ve left nothing on the table.
So we can actually reread that feeling we get when we’re in our own personal Zofos, not as a feeling that we’re trespassing, that instead, not as a feeling that we’re doing something bad, but as a feeling that we actually challenge our own assumptions to what’s possible, an opportunity for us to stand up for our dreams for ourselves, and not let the word no hold hostage the potential of the ask we’re about to make.
So if the Zofo is where all the potential is, we have to actually get into it. But how, when it can feel so scary and so Zofo-ish? Well, here are two ideas, two insights, my favorite two insights, two of nine actually, that I got from my time on the auctioneering stage to help you and me and all of us step into our Zofos so we can ask for more and get it.
Insight number one, people are irrational. And if you don’t like that, think of it like this. Their rationale for what they might and should say yes or no to is not your rationale for what you might or should say yes to.
Just a few years ago, I sold at auction a one night camping trip for 12 people for $55,000.
Twice. What? Way, way more than we thought it would and should go for. That same year, I sold at auction what was supposed to be a $10,000 piece of art for $4,500. Way less than we thought it should go for. Irrational.
So stop deciding for other people what they’ll say yes or no to. Instead, just get into your Zofo, go for that no, and ask and find out.
Insight number two, you ready for this one? Price is a measure of value, not worth. That’s to say price, what somebody will do or pay, is not a way for, is a way for us to see what they value and how they value it. Not a way for us to measure or define our own worth or worthiness because that is infinite.
And value is so contextual. One dollar or one camping trip or one piece of art can mean so much to one and so little to another. So get out of your head, get into your Zofo, go for that no, and ask and find out.
Some of the most important and transformational asks I’ve made in my life have been ones squarely from my Zofo. They have shifted my perspective, changed the trajectory of my career. They’ve ignited relationships and partnerships that have turned my world and life technicolor.
I remember one in particular I made early in my career. It was such a simple ask and it wasn’t about money. It was about somebody’s time and attention and investment in me. And at its core was this ask, will you teach me? My hands were shaking when I made this ask because I was sure they were going to say no, not you. But they said yes.
And the next thing I knew, I was on an airplane to New York. And in that shaky hands moment, I was challenging what I thought was possible for me. I was standing up for my own dreams for myself. And I was refusing to lowball myself, refusing to be tempted by that nasty little word yes that begs us to keep our asks small and reasonable and limited only to what is guaranteed.
I was unknowingly asking like an auctioneer. And now that I have this framework and this set of insights, including those two of my favorite, it can be really quite fun and exciting to get into the Zofo and to challenge what we think is possible. It can reveal all kinds of things.
Just last year, I wrote a proposal for prospective clients and nudged by my team to make it big and juicy and Zofo-ish. I sent it off. I didn’t even hold my breath because I was sure I’d get a quick no and we’d have a conversation. Nope. We got a yes. And instead of high fives all around, we were like, no, we got a yes.
Why? Because we knew we’d left something on the table and we had a really good laugh about it. And I was still surprised and delighted because the yes I got was still so much more than the yes I would have designed for. So ask like an auctioneer, step into your Zofo, go for that no, and you’ll get more every time.
Now, yup, there will be times when you get a hard no and that will be that. But I’m not worried about you because I know you’ll always find and have other bidders. So I don’t co-conspire with my clients anymore to leave money and opportunity on the table. Instead, we ask like an auctioneer, we step into our Zofo, we go for that no, and we make the kinds of asks that can change everything.
Thanks.
Want a summary of this talk? Here it is.
SUMMARY:
Dia Bondi’s talk titled “Why The Word ‘Yes’ Is Holding You Back” offers a unique perspective on the art of asking and the power of embracing rejection. In her talk, Dia shares how her experience at auctioneering school led her to realize the limitations of seeking a “yes” in various aspects of life, including business and personal growth. Here are the key points from her talk:
1. Unveiling Self-Limiting Patterns: Dia explains that she used to unknowingly assist her clients in underestimating their worth and potential by seeking only guaranteed “yes” responses. This approach prevented them from reaching their full potential in negotiations.
2. The Importance of Knowing What You Want: Dia emphasizes the importance of clarity in one’s asks. To be effective, individuals must understand not only what they want but also how much of it they are seeking, quantifying their requests.
3. Embracing the Power of ‘No’: Dia draws a parallel between her experience as an auctioneer and the value of the word “no” in negotiations. In auctions, she doesn’t aim for an immediate “yes” but rather seeks to maximize the potential by looking for a “no.” This “no” signifies pushing the boundaries of what’s possible.
4. The Zone of Freaking Out (Zofo): Dia introduces the concept of the Zone of Freaking Out (Zofo), the space between a guaranteed “yes” and a potential “no.” This is where fear and self-doubt often reside, but it’s also where untapped potential and opportunities lie.
5. Two Key Insights: Dia shares two fundamental insights. First, people are irrational in their decision-making, and it’s impossible to predict their responses accurately. Second, the price reflects value, not worth. What someone is willing to pay reveals their valuation of a particular item or opportunity.
6. Challenging Assumptions: Dia encourages individuals to step into their Zofo, confront their fears, and make bold asks. By doing so, they can challenge their assumptions about what’s possible, stand up for their dreams, and refuse to settle for small or safe asks.
7. Personal Success Story: Dia shares a personal success story of making a daring ask early in her career, which resulted in a transformative opportunity. She highlights how pushing beyond one’s comfort zone can lead to significant personal and professional growth.
8. Celebrating ‘No’: Dia suggests that receiving a “no” is not a failure but an opportunity to learn and grow. It indicates that you’ve tested the limits of what’s possible.
9. Asking Like an Auctioneer: The central theme of Dia’s talk is to encourage individuals to ask like auctioneers by seeking “no” as a way to uncover the true potential of their requests.
In conclusion, Dia Bondi’s talk challenges conventional thinking about asking and embraces the power of rejection. By stepping into the Zone of Freaking Out and seeking “no” as a way to expand their asks, individuals can unlock new opportunities and realize their full potential in various aspects of life.
