Read the full transcript of audiologist Dr. Nashlea Brogan’s talk titled “How Hearing Loss Could Be Impacting Your Relationships” at TEDxBostonCollege 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
DR. NASHLEA BROGAN: Let me tell you a story about John and Mary, married for 35 years, a milestone they both cherish. It was their anniversary, a day of celebration and love. Mary had spent hours at the hair salon, making sure her hair was just right. She even had a beautiful new dress for the occasion.
“John, how do you like my dress?” Mary said. John didn’t respond. He was sitting on the sofa, seeming lost in thought and distraction.
“How do you like my hair?” She said. She was met with silence.
The Silent Wall
It’s a scenario that plays out far too often. Two people living under the same roof, spending all their time together, but there’s a silent wall between them. When they end up in marriage counseling or worse, divorce course, the reason cited for breakup is lack of communication and loss of connection.
“He never listens to me,” is something I hear daily in my practice as an audiologist. We all know how much men love to listen. But what if the reason he’s not listening to you is he can’t hear you? What if this communication problem is also a medical problem? We are presently experiencing a global increase in hearing loss, coupled with rising rates of social isolation, loneliness, mental health problems like anxiety and depression, and gray divorces, highlighting the urgent need to address the impact untreated hearing loss on communication.
What’s more worrisome is that despite the availability of modern treatment, on average, less than 20% of people choose to take action and treat their hearing loss.
Over the last decade, we have seen an increase in what’s called gray divorces.
That’s divorce over the age of 50. A new analysis of divorce data actually found that the most significant increase in divorce is occurring in people over the age of 65, and that rate has tripled in the last 30 years. The most common reason cited for divorce is lack of communication and loss of connection.
But what these studies failed to look at or even realize is that it might not be about the content of the conversations, but the inability to hear and react to those small moments that intimately bind people together. And this is the problem that’s not going away. Hearing loss is the third most common chronic physical condition behind heart disease and arthritis. According to the National Institute of Deafness, one in three adults over the age of 60 have hearing loss, and that number dramatically increases with age.
Globally, the World Health Organization reports that 1.5 billion people are presently living with hearing loss in the world. That’s nearly 20% of the world’s population. And that’s going to actually increase. By 2050, they project that number to be 2.5 billion people living with hearing loss.
Miscommunication Beyond Words
We need to move beyond the idea that miscommunication in relationships is due to what is being said and accept that sometimes it’s not what’s heard. Hearing loss is most commonly undetected, and untreated can play a significant role. Imagine living in a world where everyday challenges, like having a conversation or laughing at a joke, are increasingly challenging. This is a reality for millions of people.
As Helen Keller famously stated, “blindness separates people from things. Deafness separates people from people.” I was young when I began to lose my hearing. At the age of 18, as I entered adulthood, I would sit with hearing aids.
By my mid-30s, I approached complete deafness. I found myself grappling with the reality of my hearing loss, a challenge I never expected to face, that no one expects to face at such a young age. I got married, had children, but my inevitable descent into deafness left me feeling isolated, angry, and frustrated, and disconnected from the world around me.
Simple pleasures we all take for granted, listening to music, hearing your child’s first words, laughing at a joke with a partner, became constant sources of strain and anxiety. If I had to point to the thing I missed the most during this time, it was spontaneity, that loss of spontaneous connection. That’s what hearing loss silently robs from your life. When your partner cracks a joke to lift your spirits, and you miss it, so you miss it all. Everything has to repeat it again and again, and you find yourself constantly struggling to keep up with the conversation.
The fear of misunderstanding and shame of responding inappropriately led me to withdraw socially from situations that I most cherished, and it slowly chipped away at my confidence and self-esteem. The decision to start treatment right away, and follow the professional advice of my audiologist, marked a turning point in my life. I followed everything my audiologist told me. I wore my hearing aids every day, all day long.
I wore assistive listening devices, did auditory training, and learned good communication skills. After losing all of my hearing, today, I’m a successful cochlear implant recipient. The rehabilitation of my hearing not only improved my ability to communicate, but also rekindled the depth and intimacy of those relationships that matter most to me. This is the transformative work I do today as an audiologist.
The Transformative Power of Treatment
I understand the complex emotions and challenges that come with hearing loss. The disruption and miscommunication it creates. Yet, astonishingly, on average, less than 20% of people choose to take action and address their hearing health. When you can’t hear clearly, you just don’t miss out on words. You miss out on life and that deep sense of connection that’s vital for maintaining strong, healthy relationships.
In my practice, I see couples all the time who are dealing with the fallout of untreated hearing loss. The miscommunication, the frustration, and the slowly drifting of hearth. But here’s the good news. We can do something about it. In audiology, we have what’s called best practices of care. We have evidence-based treatment, and we also have fabulous tools and technology. By prioritizing early intervention and catching hearing loss at its earliest stages, no matter how little, we can take proactive steps to manage it.
But the key is to act early. The longer people wait to address their hearing loss, the harder it becomes to adapt, and the greater the potential impact on cognitive health, mental well-being, relationships, and overall quality of life. That’s why I’m urging everyone to think of hearing care as preventative care.
Now let’s go back to John and Mary at the beginning of my story. They were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. As the evening continued, the misunderstandings only grew. Mary’s attempts to connect with John were often met with frustration and silence. What should have been a celebration of love ended up in an evening of misunderstanding and loneliness.
Soon after, John was in our clinic for a hearing assessment accompanied by his wife. He did have a significant hearing loss that had gone untreated, and Mary reported that she was at her wits’ end, feeling emotionally disconnected and unheard. Mary said, “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. We used to do everything together and now we’re like two strangers living under the same roof.”
We treated John’s hearing, developed a long-term treatment plan. At one of our annual follow-up appointments, Mary turned to John and said, “I feel like I have my husband back.” John replied, “I feel like I’m part of the world again.”
A Call to Action
I want to end by saying loud and clear, if you or someone you know is struggling to hear, it’s not about your ears. It’s about preserving your relationships and experiences that give life meaning. Our challenge as a society is that far too few people treat their hearing loss, on average less than 20%. We can do better. If you have a hearing loss or you know someone who is, take action now.
The stakes are too high. Your relationships, independence or overall quality of life hang in the balance. Let’s make a commitment here and now to prioritize our hearing health and the health of our connections. And let’s shed the stigma on hearing loss for what it is, a very common and treatable medical condition that affects millions of people worldwide of all ages, including myself.
Together we can ensure that no matter someone’s hearing status or age, that they get to continue to engage in conversations, laughter and the precious moments that make life worth living. Thank you.
