Transcript of Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, and Ari Shaffir on Joe Rogan Experience #2539

Asturian?

SHANE GILLIS: Constantinople? I remember that was like his first controversy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, that’s when he was like— yeah, his family had to disown him.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, like, you can’t come back to Turkey.

MARK NORMAND: So he’s like a troll.

ARI SHAFFIR: No, no, no.

SHANE GILLIS: He was like a rebel. Oh, that was a good one.

JOE ROGAN: Okay. This thing that he’s doing where he’s pretending that he’s a woman is very smart.

Like, in this day and age, we almost need someone that’s a public figure to do something like that, to show everyone how ridiculous it is that some psychopath can just pretend that they’re a woman and knock women over on the court. I gotta check this out.

SHANE GILLIS: Norman’s a fucking woman, dude.

JOE ROGAN: There’s, uh, oh, what?

SHANE GILLIS: My belly.

JOE ROGAN: There’s some country where there is— oh, it’s France— where there’s a transgender woman on the team, just dominates. I bet it’s a giant dude. A giant dude just dominating these chicks.

SHANE GILLIS: And the ticket sales are up.

JOE ROGAN: I doubt they’re not.

ARI SHAFFIR: Go watch. No one’s talked about WNBA more than this last 2 weeks. What’s that? No one’s talked about this league more than the last 2 weeks.

SHANE GILLIS: WNBA found it. That’s true. Because nobody cared about the league at all. Forever.

JOE ROGAN: This is the guy.

MARK NORMAND: Yo. Whoa.

JOE ROGAN: Like, that’s fucking preposterous. Just literally preposterous.

MARK NORMAND: She’s on the B League? I don’t know. I don’t think she’s in the pros.

JOE ROGAN: No, she plays for France.

SHANE GILLIS: France.

MARK NORMAND: France.

ARI SHAFFIR: French national under— under—

MARK NORMAND: Wouldn’t turn down an offer to play in the NBA or WNBA. That’s hilarious. Why would you want to go where the money sucks?

ARI SHAFFIR: I go for $75 grand a year.

MARK NORMAND: It’s a weird thing. Really hard. Horrible paycheck. Actually got it upped.

JOE ROGAN: Who’s the biggest baller in the WNBA? Like, who makes the most?

SHANE GILLIS: I don’t know who makes the most, but Clark’s got those endorsements. A’ja Wilson, the best player.

JOE ROGAN: A’ja Wilson’s the best player.

MARK NORMAND: And the girl with the glasses with the poofy hair, she’s very good.

ARI SHAFFIR: Boston?

MARK NORMAND: I don’t know. If you said her name, I know she’s really good.

JOE ROGAN: So what is like top player?

SHANE GILLIS: I’m sure their salaries suck.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, it’s all endorsements. It’s endorsements.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: So Caitlin Clark is probably the highest paid.

JOE ROGAN: So the more controversy there is, the more people do come to see them. So do you think they allow them to foul more now?

SHANE GILLIS: Because they went with— that’s what I was about to say. Nobody watched the league forever. It hemorrhaged money forever.

ARI SHAFFIR: And then they had their first profitable year last year.

SHANE GILLIS: Racial division. They go, “Oh, there’s money here.” And now we got the transgender thing.

JOE ROGAN: Well, the transgender thing’s not real yet. There’s not a real transgender person in the WNBA, but there’s definitely some fucking roller derby shit going down. They’re throwing those bitches on their heads.

ARI SHAFFIR: I like it. I like it. It’s ’80s basketball. It’s Larry Bird punching somebody. I’m like, bring that back.

SHANE GILLIS: A whole league of Bill Laimbeers.

JOE ROGAN: Bring that back. Stephen A. Smith had a real good point when he was talking about the comparison between Michael Jordan — you know, like the athletes of today versus— and one of the things that he was talking about was the physicalness of the game.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, the hands-off on the stars sucks.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, they would— and he watched some highlights like showing what it was like. Like, Jesus, they threw down.

ARI SHAFFIR: When they retired Bill Laimbeer’s number, they instructed the ushers to cheap shot everyone as they’re showing their seats out of respect.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s awesome.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, those guys fought. Yeah, it got ridiculous. And now the WNBA is doing the same thing.

ARI SHAFFIR: The best was Oakley. They would like break up a fight and he was just like, “Hey, they won’t let us— meet me outside though. Afterwards, let’s meet outside. Let’s actually do it.”

JOE ROGAN: The crazy thing about the WNBA— imagine if the NBA had the same sexual dynamic. Imagine if the most of the team was a bunch of gay dudes who were very aggressive and black.

SHANE GILLIS: Black’s already there.

MARK NORMAND: Do you know what I’m saying? Do you know what I’m saying?

JOE ROGAN: Imagine if you reversed that. If the WNBA was just a bunch of straight people playing basketball, no controversy. No, sex isn’t even a thought in the NBA. No one thinks about gay players in the NBA. In the WNBA, there’s a ton of like out—

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s mostly gay.

MARK NORMAND: It’s all mostly gay.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, mostly big Black gay ladies and, uh, a few scared-looking Sophie Cunninghams that have to point fingers at people. You’re surrounded. Yeah, yeah. But people think you’re, you know, like perhaps sexually attractive.

ARI SHAFFIR: And the heteros that come in, the rest of them go like, “I’m going to turn you.”

JOE ROGAN: They try to turn the heteros?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Wow.

ARI SHAFFIR: They’re like conquest for sure.

MARK NORMAND: They’ve made it into a reality show. It’s become like Real Housewives. They’re all just fighting now, right? That’s the only reason you watch.

JOE ROGAN: But it is an interesting sexual dynamic, of course, because imagine if it was like that in the NBA.

MARK NORMAND: But this happened with the women’s league.

JOE ROGAN: Giant homos, just big giant 7-foot-tall gay guys.

ARI SHAFFIR: All right, break it up.

MARK NORMAND: Trying to fuck.

ARI SHAFFIR: Break it up.

MARK NORMAND: Why?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, partying, going everywhere and fucking wearing leather and shit.

MARK NORMAND: Are they—

SHANE GILLIS: They do do that.

MARK NORMAND: Are they dating each other?

SHANE GILLIS: Dress very gay.

ARI SHAFFIR: The NBA? Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah. What’s going on?

MARK NORMAND: Crazy outfits.

SHANE GILLIS: Fashion show. When they walk into the locker room, they all wear the craziest fucking outfits.

ARI SHAFFIR: Hats. Really? Derby hats.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Wait a minute.

MARK NORMAND: What?

SHANE GILLIS: Oh yeah.

JOE ROGAN: But okay, this is just fashionable. The shoes and the mask. The mask shell shoes are crazy.

MARK NORMAND: You don’t see Larry Bird wearing that.

JOE ROGAN: What is— okay, what’s going on?

MARK NORMAND: Or Stockton. This is crazy. He’s gonna fall.

JOE ROGAN: That guy’s gonna step on a stair wrong.

ARI SHAFFIR: What is that, Clay?

JOE ROGAN: Whoa, wait a minute, they really dress like this?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yes.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, every game.

SHANE GILLIS: Every game.

JOE ROGAN: Is this a big thing? Do they get like sponsors for their clothing?

ARI SHAFFIR: Uh, like a setup there, Met Gala every day.

JOE ROGAN: So you see them walking through the hallways, that’s the deal?

MARK NORMAND: Pull up Magic Johnson’s son if you can.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh geez, he’s not a player.

MARK NORMAND: He’s not about— talking about a wacky outfit. Or Dwyane Wade.

SHANE GILLIS: Pull up to a hot star, fellas.

JOE ROGAN: Well, just say let’s fucking go, we’re back.

MARK NORMAND: Look at that. I mean, that— he’s like—

JOE ROGAN: This was not the kind of gay that I was talking about.

SHANE GILLIS: Look at Draymond and the cat.

JOE ROGAN: I stumbled upon an Instagram page called Cumcore.

SHANE GILLIS: What the fuck?

JOE ROGAN: Hardcore music for gay guys. So it’s gay guys in like little nipple leather straps and jockstraps and motorcycle hats. Yeah, you know, bare-chested, hairy, and they’re doing hardcore music and they’re just talking about sucking dicks and getting cum.

MARK NORMAND: Oh boy.

JOE ROGAN: So that’s the kind of gay I was talking about. This is just fashionable.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, that would be the type of gay you would be if you were gay.

ARI SHAFFIR: You’d be a shocker.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I bet I’d get bored.

MARK NORMAND: I get bored with it.

JOE ROGAN: I’d probably settle down with some twink.

ARI SHAFFIR: No way, you have to fight. You’d go out for cigarettes and come back alive.

MARK NORMAND: You’d be wrestling.

JOE ROGAN: The thing about the those gay guys that don’t have kids, all they want to do is fuck. Yeah, like they just fuck all the time. Why not have any kids? No one can get pregnant. They just fuck all the time.

MARK NORMAND: Sure.

ARI SHAFFIR: I know a guy at the Comedy Store, good-looking guy, and his boyfriend was like, uh, “Can you just—” he would cheat all the time and he’s like, “Can you just not give me AIDS?” Oh, and then our friend, he goes, “I can’t promise that.”

JOE ROGAN: So he goes, AIDS doesn’t even scare anybody anymore.

MARK NORMAND: What’s worse, AIDS or pregnant? That’s the question.

JOE ROGAN: Well, a guy gets pregnant, you’re like, well, you’ve been lied to. You’ve been fucking a fake guy.

MARK NORMAND: True. Yeah, but you got PrEP now. PrEP is big.

JOE ROGAN: But the thing about trans men, like they can’t get pregnant anymore. It’s one of the side effects. One of the side effects of taking all the testosterone, it makes them infertile.

MARK NORMAND: Also, trans women potentially no period, which I think is an advantage. All these other girls have to worry about being mean for a week. Exactly. And they fight. There’s no trans period. Right.

JOE ROGAN: But it’s male.

MARK NORMAND: That’s an advantage. That’s an advantage.

SHANE GILLIS: They don’t have to worry about having a heavy period.

JOE ROGAN: On top of that, you’re dosing yourself up with estrogen. So like, where are you doing it once a week? Is there a spike in your estrogen? Then does it dip down? Do you have to balance it out between masculine and feminine? Jamie, depending on your injections?

SHANE GILLIS: I see the trash can.

ARI SHAFFIR: It is what—

SHANE GILLIS: That means you’ve been thinking about this, and I apologize for leaving cans.

MARK NORMAND: It’s fine.

SHANE GILLIS: I leave cans every time I leave. You’re right. I didn’t even think about it until I noticed you put a trash can here.

JOE ROGAN: Don’t sweat it, big dog.

MARK NORMAND: But they’ve painted themselves in a corner because if they don’t let the guy in, it looks bad. Right. But if they do, he’s going to dunk.

JOE ROGAN: Well, the thing is, can you define what a woman is? And until you can’t— if you can’t define what a woman is, then you’re an idiot, and this is nonsense. And that’s what your ideology is.

Your ideology is so stupid you can’t define the difference between a male and a female. And so you’ve decided that people identifying with something means it’s a real thing, and you have to say it because everybody else says it, and they scare you, and they’ll cancel you and go after you. So everyone’s agreed to nonsense. So this is where we painted ourselves into this dumbass fucking corner.

ARI SHAFFIR: I think everybody kind of agrees.

JOE ROGAN: It’s like even AOC was just talking about how woke 1.0 was crazy and all the different things that she was saying, all the defund the police talk that was going on, that everybody realized that’s a ridiculous thing to say.

ARI SHAFFIR: I think both sides on sports are like, “Yeah, that’s a stupid issue. We shouldn’t— that’s— no, we’re not going to die on that.” But they were saying Democrats are like, “That’s— we’re taking that off the table.”

JOE ROGAN: What do you mean?

ARI SHAFFIR: They’re like, “Yeah, we—” I think it’s like 80% of Democrats don’t think—

JOE ROGAN: Oh, trans women in sports.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, so it’s just the right dunking on the left because they’re like, “Yeah, but it was—”

JOE ROGAN: There’s a thing where those people that are the most radical will come after you if you don’t agree wholeheartedly with their nonsense.

So if you say anything like, “You know, look, trans women aren’t women, they’re men who identify as women,” which is fine, but there’s a biological distinction that protects women in sports. And that’s chromosomes. We know XX chromosome, you’re a woman. XY, you’re a dude. Do it that way. Call yourself whatever the fuck you want, but if you want to play in the WNBA, you have to have XX.

And if you want to be a fucking— well, look, that’s the other thing. No one gives a shit if a trans man wants to try and play in the NBA.

ARI SHAFFIR: Here’s something.

JOE ROGAN: No one’s, no one’s trying to stop that. That would be so fun.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wait till someone in WNBA comes out as a man.

MARK NORMAND: That’s the rumor.

ARI SHAFFIR: There is a rumor, solid one. I’m not going to say who, but do they wipe their name off the record books?

MARK NORMAND: That’s maybe— that’s why they’re holding off.

SHANE GILLIS: They probably should.

ARI SHAFFIR: They should. Well, if you look at Caitlyn Jenner, yeah, he actually got those stats as a player. Yeah, if you’re like, “I was a man the whole time,” you’d be like, “Oh yeah, Caitlyn Jenner won the Olympics as Bruce.”

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but what happens if you go back to the Olympics in 1976? Who won the Olympics? Wipe it. Does it say Bruce or does it say Caitlyn?

MARK NORMAND: Who’s on the Wheaties?

JOE ROGAN: I think Bruce won it, right? Yeah, but what does it say? I don’t know. That’s deadnaming and that can get you killed.

SHANE GILLIS: I bet Bruce was like—

JOE ROGAN: Deadnaming can get you— it used to get you banned from Twitter for life.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wow, that’s not bad. That’s a good place to be, actually.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, those people are probably doing great right now.

JOE ROGAN: A lot better. Yeah, psychologically they probably have added years onto their lives.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like banning you from heroin. It’s like, that’s probably it for the best.

JOE ROGAN: This is not even that, because heroin’s fun.

ARI SHAFFIR: I bet, I bet heroin’s fun. Twitter’s never fun.

JOE ROGAN: Twitter’s never fun.

ARI SHAFFIR: I was hoping when Musk bought it, he would just like bury it.

JOE ROGAN: Well, it’s more fun. It’s more fun with him.

MARK NORMAND: It’s wilder.

JOE ROGAN: It’s wilder. It’s like fist fights, full-on Wild Wild West. They figured out things. Yeah, they’re doing something now where when people get paid — you have to— you can only get paid for original or accurate content because there’s people that were— what they were doing is just saying like “Shane Gillis murders 6 in a bar” and then you make a story.

MARK NORMAND: 6?

ARI SHAFFIR: I heard 5.

JOE ROGAN: You make a story and you post it and everybody clicks on it and you get money just from a full-on made-up story. And there was a ton of those because these foreign companies would just make thousands of fucking fake accounts and maybe millions.

And then make a bunch of fake stories. So there’s fake stories flooding your timeline and you’re like, “What?” And you look at it, 600,000 views, this must be real. And then you click on it too. So they’re making money off it.

SHANE GILLIS: People do that too though, now that all the news is fake. Yeah.

The News Is Fake

SHANE GILLIS: Maybe we can stop giving a fuck about the news all the time.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, it’d be nice.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’d be nice that now I look at it, I see any article, I go, “I don’t know if this is real, probably fake.” I would have no way of knowing. Yeah, let’s just go outside.

JOE ROGAN: Speaking of which, what are your people doing in Argentina? Did you got your people light Argentina on fire and now they’re trying to steal it? That’s what I heard.

MARK NORMAND: Hey, the English?

JOE ROGAN: Oh, that’s your new people.

ARI SHAFFIR: Los Malvinas son argentinos. I side with Argentina on that.

MARK NORMAND: You gotta pick a side. I don’t know who you are anymore.

JOE ROGAN: So they started a fire.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m not going to be anti-Semitic.

JOE ROGAN: It’s not even anti-Semitic.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s talking about policy.

ARI SHAFFIR: But we do love illegal campfires.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, they lit it on fire.

MARK NORMAND: Who did?

JOE ROGAN: Now they’re giving 100,000 hectares. Well, some Israelis lit this part of Patagonia on fire, and then they’re giving 100—

ARI SHAFFIR: Wait, wait, that’s Chilean Patagonia or Argentina?

JOE ROGAN: Argentina.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, that’s—

JOE ROGAN: I believe it’s Patagonia. I might be wrong. But the point is they lit a gigantic amount of forest on fire, and now—

MARK NORMAND: With the weather?

ARI SHAFFIR: When I was there, when I was there—

JOE ROGAN: Chile is giving Israel that land.

ARI SHAFFIR: What do you mean? What?

JOE ROGAN: Fun story, fun story.

MARK NORMAND: Give it a Google.

ARI SHAFFIR: This is all— when I was there, I was lighting campfires, you know, and as you work your way down, at some point they’re like, “No campfires in the national park.” I was like, “What?” And then you would just start lighting them, and then they go, “You know, this whole place burned like 7 years ago to the ground because of campfires.” I was like, “Nope.”

JOE ROGAN: Well, the thing about campfires, you’re just giving any retard the ability to just light fires in the woods. You know how crazy that is? It’s so—

SHANE GILLIS: Throw a bush in.

JOE ROGAN: There should be way more forest fires in there. When you really think about how stupid people are, there should be probably a lot more forest fires than there are.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: What about Malibu? Was that planned?

JOE ROGAN: That was arson. Really? Yeah, the guy’s in jail. They caught him.

ARI SHAFFIR: Arson Daly.

JOE ROGAN: That’s straight-up arson. Arson Daly?

MARK NORMAND: Arson Daly?

SHANE GILLIS: He’s in jail.

MARK NORMAND: I don’t know that. Oh, he is? He’s in jail.

JOE ROGAN: He was inspired by Luigi.

MARK NORMAND: Johnny Arson.

ARI SHAFFIR: Really? To do something?

SHANE GILLIS: Yes.

JOE ROGAN: He’s inspired by Luigi to light the palisades on fire.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, he was looking at all the rich houses, right? And going, piss people.

JOE ROGAN: There was a lot of people that were lighting things on fire. While it was— while the chaos was happening, people were just out there lighting things on fire. Huberman caught people on video.

MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, caught some guys in Malibu on video lighting things on fire. They had gasoline, they had fucking lighters, they had torches. People were just running around lighting parts of it, contributing to it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wow.

MARK NORMAND: The question is, is that orchestrated?

JOE ROGAN: No, you’ve empowered a bunch of fucking mentally ill people to camp on your streets. When things go sideways and they burn it all to the ground, that hurts them zero, and it’s fun.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s what I’m talking about with the parks.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: Get them out there.

MARK NORMAND: Get them out there.

ARI SHAFFIR: We should have some frisbees.

JOE ROGAN: Okay, no one has been publicly identified or proven to have started the recent Patagonia fires in Argentina. Investigators in Chubut have said at least one blaze appeared to be deliberately set, but the investigation has not established a named perpetrator.

Claims blaming— I don’t know what that word is— Mapuche communities or Israeli visitors are unsubstantiated. Uh, Chubut chief prosecutor said, uh, rejected the Mapuche allegation and reporting saying prosecutors did not consider the claims against Israelis a credible lead.

Okay, but now here’s the question. Did they really just give that land to Israel? Did they give 100 hectares or whatever this is? That’s, that’s fake.

MARK NORMAND: They throw Israel in everything.

ARI SHAFFIR: They really do. Everything leads back to Israel.

JOE ROGAN: Is it all fake?

MARK NORMAND: I mean, I just— it’s everything I look up online says it’s good.

JOE ROGAN: So this is— if it is fake, if it is fake, this is a perfect example what we’re talking about. It’s a perfect example where they create these stories.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: And news, you know, there’s probably something to this. What is that?

MARK NORMAND: There’s stuff on like Twitter that says it.

JOE ROGAN: Okay, what does it say on Twitter?

MARK NORMAND: I mean, I don’t know that it’s accurate or what these accounts are, you know, right?

JOE ROGAN: What does it say though?

ARI SHAFFIR: From Shadow Intel X. Yeah, so I don’t know.

JOE ROGAN: Definitely true. Definitely real.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, it’s—

JOE ROGAN: But let’s, uh, so yeah, so here it is. Look at this guy. Is that a bot? Dr. Sam Youssef, PhD, PhD, DPT.

MARK NORMAND: 760,000 followers.

JOE ROGAN: It might be real. What does it say? “Argentina exposes Israel takeover plan and the government is in on it.” Uh, “Argentinian presidential spokesman just blew the lid on the secret.” What does it say though?

MARK NORMAND: I don’t know.

JOE ROGAN: Click on show more. “Protected rural conservative land can now be sold to foreign private entities once a fire passes through it.” See, this is the problem. What, what I was reading in this story was someone lit— it can be sold once a fire has passed through it. So it’s got emojis in it. They lit it on fire.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s legit.

JOE ROGAN: Well, once you have emojis, it knows you care.

SHANE GILLIS: I like that. Argentina copied our White House press conference room though.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s pretty cool.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s cool.

ARI SHAFFIR: We were there.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s pretty—

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, we were in there doing press conferences, me and Shane and O’Connor. Yeah, it was pretty nice.

UFC at the White House

JOE ROGAN: The White House press conference?

SHANE GILLIS: Well, we didn’t know we were going to go, so we were just— we were walking around DC and then one of Shane’s CIA friends was like, “Yeah,” they’re like, “Do you want to come in?” Yeah, yeah. They’re like, “POTUS isn’t here, he’s in Tennessee at a fucking UFC event.”

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, so they were like, no snipers are here. Yeah, we’re like, oh sick.

SHANE GILLIS: Like POTUS— they’re like, “POTUS isn’t here, he’s at Florida at UFC.”

JOE ROGAN: So that was the Miami UFC. That’s my guy.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s my president, y’all. He’s not working. He’s at UFC.

JOE ROGAN: How wild was the UFC at the White House?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I was there.

JOE ROGAN: That was wild. That was insane, right?

SHANE GILLIS: That was like fun.

JOE ROGAN: I’m so glad I talked you into doing that. Yeah, me too.

ARI SHAFFIR: You had to go.

SHANE GILLIS: You were wrestling.

JOE ROGAN: I’m like, this is only going to happen one time in history.

SHANE GILLIS: Like, I shouldn’t fucking go.

JOE ROGAN: You were wrestling with it.

MARK NORMAND: There was motorcycles going over the pool.

JOE ROGAN: That’s what got me.

SHANE GILLIS: I was laying on my couch after I canceled. I said yes and canceled like 4 times, and then the last time I canceled was the day before. And then I saw they were doing fucking dirt bikes on the front lawn, and I was like, “I gotta see this.” Yeah, I should see this.

ARI SHAFFIR: We were at the Cellar, and he was like, “What should I do? I don’t think I should. I don’t want the heat.” I’m like, “Yeah, don’t go.” He goes, “But I don’t want to tell him.” Let me do what to do. I’m like, “No, no, don’t go.”

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, everyone agreed with me.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, I see.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I was at the Cellar, and I was like, “I don’t feel like fucking dealing with it. Also, war in Iran, or this— this is a crazy time to be like, hey, I support this.”

MARK NORMAND: Everyone had a great time but Nate.

SHANE GILLIS: Nate was— Nate had a good time.

MARK NORMAND: Well, not later.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but he doesn’t care. He’s not reading it.

ARI SHAFFIR: That was not fake one too.

JOE ROGAN: It didn’t affect his ticket sales at all. All these people saying that they canceled, fuck off. He sells out 2 fucking stadiums a night.

ARI SHAFFIR: That was a fake one. It was the same newspaper writing 10 articles.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, well, it’s just they’ll go after anybody who’s even remotely connected to that White House. Also, it’s just sports.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s just fights. I was so happy to see that Gaethje fight.

MARK NORMAND: Gaethje is the best.

SHANE GILLIS: It was one of the coolest fights.

JOE ROGAN: The perfect ending. And he beat a guy who most people thought was the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world.

MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, Topuria is a monster. 2-division world champion. Topuria is one of the most skillful guys that’s ever fought in MMA. He’s fucking good, man. Oh yeah. But Gaethje pulled it off, pulled it off in front of the whole world, and then did a backflip off the fucking top of the cage. Wow. With the White House behind him.

ARI SHAFFIR: Nice.

JOE ROGAN: And landed in the middle of the cage.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I saw the dirt bikes, I saw the practice flyovers. I was like, “I gotta see these fucking flyovers.”

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I just was—

SHANE GILLIS: It was so sick.

JOE ROGAN: When we were talking, I’m like, this is never going to happen again in human history.

MARK NORMAND: Well, apparently Teddy Roosevelt had fights on the lawn.

JOE ROGAN: Really?

MARK NORMAND: Back in the day.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, they’ve had— no, they fought with his wife.

JOE ROGAN: Well, unless you got a time machine, bitch, you’re never gonna see it again.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s funny seeing people weigh in. They’re like, “It’s cage fighting,” and it’s like, it’s human cockfighting. I’m like, bro, this is a new sport. Yeah, you’re like these left-leaning people are just discovering it.

SHANE GILLIS: So Biden did some wild things on the White House lawn.

ARI SHAFFIR: What’d he do? They have Easter egg hunts.

SHANE GILLIS: They had fun.

JOE ROGAN: Well, you remember they had the trannies with their titties out?

SHANE GILLIS: Something like that. That’s also fun.

JOE ROGAN: They had a bunch of trans ladies with their tits out.

MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, what’s really funny, they took pictures like for Instagram with their tits out in front of the White House, and then people were saying that the cage fight is desecrating the lawn. Like, come on, guys, dude, if you have a lawn that big, both things are ridiculous. You should have both, but at least one thing is cool to look at.

SHANE GILLIS: One thing is fun and the other one’s the UFC.

JOE ROGAN: He set up the dunk.

ARI SHAFFIR: Those all seem like a fun time.

JOE ROGAN: You should have fun with that lawn.

SHANE GILLIS: Fighter jets ruled. The fights ruled, bro.

JOE ROGAN: Those fighter jets were so close to each other. That’s what freaked me out. I was like, if one of these— you hear about the terrorist attack?

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah, yeah, crazy.

SHANE GILLIS: I did Bennington’s podcast the next day and he told me about it. Oh yeah, I was like, oh yeah, it was a lab.

MARK NORMAND: They had a guy pushing people towards one way and then another people with drones, bombs on drones. That—

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I don’t think that crowd would have gone the direction whoever would want them to, right? That crowd would have been sprinting directly at whoever was shooting.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, would have stomped that dude to death.

SHANE GILLIS: My section that I was sitting in was like 10 Medal of Honor winners. Oh, waiting for this. They were like, “Please let there be a sniper, dude.” They would have— UFC fighters and soldiers.

JOE ROGAN: Would you see there were snipers all over the roof? Yeah. Did you notice that?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, yeah.

JOE ROGAN: What, snipers all over the rooftop? There was guys everywhere. It was so heavily protected.

It was crazy because I was like, “I don’t want to do this.” I was really like, “I don’t want to be a part of this. This is gonna be too much of a zoo, too crazy. I don’t like it for the fighters. You have to fight outside. What if it rains? What if it’s too hot? What if it’s this? What if it’s that?”

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, fight outside.

JOE ROGAN: So part of me was like, but then I was like, shut up.

SHANE GILLIS: You sent me that video when you were like practicing. Yeah, like when you guys were doing like a walk the day before. He sent me, he was like, “Come on, bitch, don’t be a pussy.” And I was like, “Fuck, he’s right, I’m being a fucking pussy.”

MARK NORMAND: Fuck.

JOE ROGAN: It’s just, it’s never gonna happen again. It was so insane. Me and DC and John Anik were just looking at each other going, “What the fuck?”

ARI SHAFFIR: What a backdrop.

JOE ROGAN: This is insane. We’re on the lawn of the White House.

MARK NORMAND: But TMZ tried to get you.

SHANE GILLIS: They got me. Got it. 20 beers deep walking out. “What’d you think about saying Michelle Obama’s a man?” I was like, “I didn’t fucking like it.” And then I was like, “But he’s funny.”

JOE ROGAN: All right. The funny thing is Joe Rogan didn’t say anything when he said that. I’m like, the guy just beat the fuck out of Derrick Lewis. What am I gonna say?

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m scared.

JOE ROGAN: What am I gonna do?

MARK NORMAND: What am I gonna do?

JOE ROGAN: Hey, don’t do that. And then he throws me.

SHANE GILLIS: The problem with it — it was on paper hilarious. Hilarious to win a fight on the White House lawn and then call a former first lady a man. If you wrote that down, I’d be like, that’s funny.

JOE ROGAN: Thing is, but he says Michelle Obama’s a man every time I interview him.

ARI SHAFFIR: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yes, he said it the last time I interviewed him too.

SHANE GILLIS: When I’m sitting there, when I’m sitting in that crowd going, “This is probably a bad look, this is a weird group of people,” and then the guy wins and goes, “Michelle Obama’s a man.” I was in the crowd just — you fucked up. You ruined it. You’re doing exactly what they said we were gonna do.

JOE ROGAN: He did a smart thing. I mean, it’s very rude.

SHANE GILLIS: Smart thing?

JOE ROGAN: It’s very rude, but it’s a smart thing because we’re all still talking about it. Otherwise, it’s just another fight of the night.

MARK NORMAND: We’re talking about the Holocaust too.

JOE ROGAN: No, Diego Lopez knocked out Steve Garcia. No one’s talking about Diego Lopez and Steve Garcia in the regular news. They’re talking about this guy all day long. The next time he shows up at a UFC event, the crowd is gonna go fucking bananas, and if he wins, he’s a superstar, and he probably doubled his income by saying Michelle Obama’s a man.

ARI SHAFFIR: Mm-hmm. Yeah, but that’s what this WNBA player does.

JOE ROGAN: He’s a fucking pro wrestling heel.

SHANE GILLIS: Of course.

MARK NORMAND: I know, it just validates everything the haters—

SHANE GILLIS: As soon as he said it, I was like, yeah.

MARK NORMAND: All right, Michelle Obama should play in the WNBA.

JOE ROGAN: They still can’t define a woman. They all need to come on board. Everyone’s ridiculous.

ARI SHAFFIR: The last time I went to one of these fights was so much lamer with Rogan. We went to a fight on the lawn of— do you remember this?

JOE ROGAN: Which one?

ARI SHAFFIR: The fucking—

JOE ROGAN: Oh, the Playboy Mansion.

ARI SHAFFIR: It was so bad people didn’t know what they were doing.

MARK NORMAND: Wait, what?

ARI SHAFFIR: That was this old fucking man.

JOE ROGAN: I think that was waddling out. Was it Strikeforce?

ARI SHAFFIR: He was below that. I think it was even worse.

JOE ROGAN: Remember the company?

SHANE GILLIS: You went to the Playboy Mansion for a fight?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Wow.

JOE ROGAN: I’m pretty sure it was Strikeforce.

ARI SHAFFIR: This old magazine mogul fucking limps out in front of us like 5 fights in and sits down with these hookers.

JOE ROGAN: You know what’s weird is how—

MARK NORMAND: No.

JOE ROGAN: No, no, I guess he wouldn’t be left there.

MARK NORMAND: Playboy.

JOE ROGAN: What’s weird is how dated the place was. What was it?

ARI SHAFFIR: Uh, Strikeforce.

JOE ROGAN: What was weird was how dated the mansion is. It’s like there’s an old button phone on the grotto.

MARK NORMAND: He was old as shit.

JOE ROGAN: Not just old, like everything’s just sad.

ARI SHAFFIR: John Lovitz’s still there.

JOE ROGAN: Everything’s in the past.

MARK NORMAND: Cosby was there all day.

JOE ROGAN: Everything is like, it— you know, obviously it’s all gone now.

ARI SHAFFIR: Somebody—

JOE ROGAN: Did somebody buy it? Imagine if we bought the mansion, started doing podcasts out of the mansion. Wait, are we there?

ARI SHAFFIR: Look at that picture. Go back up. I think we’re right near him, behind him, perhaps.

MARK NORMAND: There you are, already on the right.

JOE ROGAN: What a weird— imagine he died at the right time. Better than that guy died at the right time, Hef, because if he was alive today, oh my God, they’d come for him. Imagine what the MeToo would have been like for Hef.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a documentary about him. It’s pretty rough.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, good bit about it. Is the mansion for sale? Find out if the Playboy Mansion’s for sale.

MARK NORMAND: I think his son took— well, at least the business. His son took over the business.

JOE ROGAN: But they still have the mansion?

MARK NORMAND: Is the magazine even going?

ARI SHAFFIR: Why would it?

JOE ROGAN: It’s like if you go to some movie star’s fucking house, and they were a movie star in like the ’80s, you go to their house and they’re in Malibu, and you show up and their hair’s all fucked up and they’re kind of drunk.

MARK NORMAND: Right.

JOE ROGAN: Okay, come on inside. What’s wrong with that? Linoleum floor with like holes in it and shit. You’re like, what’s wrong with that?

MARK NORMAND: I bet Seagal’s house is hilarious.

ARI SHAFFIR: Me and Norman went to fucking Elvis’s house.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, that was cutting edge.

ARI SHAFFIR: It was like 4 TVs. You could watch every channel.

JOE ROGAN: $100 million.

SHANE GILLIS: Fuck you. I think we’re out.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a little high.

JOE ROGAN: Hostess sale. Original listing price was $200 million.

MARK NORMAND: God. What? Do you get the whores? I mean, this is a little—

JOE ROGAN: It’s a lot of land.

SHANE GILLIS: The guy who makes cupcakes bought it?

ARI SHAFFIR: Hostess?

JOE ROGAN: Hostess guy? I bet he’s just running around licking the floor.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah. Oh, God.

JOE ROGAN: Get that, get all that cream and snail trail off the floor. But that area where he’s at, like that amount of land might be worth $100 million because that’s, yeah, like Brentwood, right? And it’s a big truck park there.

ARI SHAFFIR: Take us in shuttles up there.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you remember when he had, he had a, uh, like a big aviary and there was all these birds in there and shit?

ARI SHAFFIR: Do you remember that? I don’t remember that one.

JOE ROGAN: We were walking around because we were high.

ARI SHAFFIR: We were pretty high.

SHANE GILLIS: We were high as fuck.

JOE ROGAN: We took some edibles.

MARK NORMAND: Only you’re at the Playboy Mansion like, “Let’s see these cranes.”

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, cool birds, man. There was cool birds. 5 acres. 5 acres in that area is worth a lot of money.

ARI SHAFFIR: 12 bedrooms, 21 bathrooms.

SHANE GILLIS: Was there a party in the mansion after the fight?

MARK NORMAND: I don’t remember.

ARI SHAFFIR: We weren’t—

JOE ROGAN: We got out of here.

MARK NORMAND: Uh, we did.

JOE ROGAN: We were nobodies back then. Yeah, we got a shuttle. No, we didn’t see any tits. No, we just saw the fights. We just went to watch the fights. It was like edibles and watch the fights.

ARI SHAFFIR: Joe Rogan was like, he was once on a show, NewsRadio.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I think that was the Fear Factor days.

ARI SHAFFIR: Maybe early.

JOE ROGAN: I think it was like year 1 or 2 of Fear Factor. It was early on, man. It was early because this is before like Ultimate Fighter was—

SHANE GILLIS: Also, by the way, my bad on that.

JOE ROGAN: What? What?

SHANE GILLIS: She’d be like, “Did you stay and look at tits?” You’re like, “No, we left right away.” Yeah, my bad, fellas. No, we actually got out of there.

JOE ROGAN: There was no tits to see. It was really like they rented the place out.

ARI SHAFFIR: Never stay for the end of the parties.

SHANE GILLIS: I know.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I agree. We— it’s like they rented the place out as like a location, you know, like where you could fucking have your conference there. That’s what it felt like.

ARI SHAFFIR: They sold it off, the name, little by little.

SHANE GILLIS: Very professional. All good, fellas. Fellas, above board. We can move on.

MARK NORMAND: No, no grotto, nothing. I mean, I’d have to look around.

ARI SHAFFIR: I don’t even know if there was one.

JOE ROGAN: Those are the days where we used to have to go to Inglewood to get our weed. We have to go and we have to— we used to have to go to get it medical because there was no— it wasn’t legal unless you had a medical license. So you’d have to go to the Inglewood and the place that I went to that I had to stop going there because the guy got shot. He got robbed because they only could get—

ARI SHAFFIR: They could only deposit your money because they were like, “That’s drug money.”

JOE ROGAN: They shot the doctor. They shot a dude working there, a dude I knew.

MARK NORMAND: All right, when it was for sale still, Hugh was still alive and you had to allow him to stay.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh really?

JOE ROGAN: That’s hilarious.

ARI SHAFFIR: You have to live with an old man.

JOE ROGAN: However, the sale comes with one catch: anyone who wants to live like Hugh Hefner will have to live with him. Whoa, that’s crazy. That’s always predicated the new owner allowing the 89-year-old Playboy publisher and, we assume, his various playmates to stay in the house. So you could buy the house, but he gets to stay in it.

ARI SHAFFIR: What a buddy cop show that would be.

MARK NORMAND: Hanging out.

JOE ROGAN: What a weird place you are.

ARI SHAFFIR: Some Bitcoin billionaire and Hugh. JOE ROGAN: What a weird place you are in your life where you’re like, “I don’t have much time left. I’m gonna die in this house, but I don’t have any money.”

MARK NORMAND: Oh.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s not so bad.

JOE ROGAN: And I have this big-ass house, but if I sell the house, then I gotta move. Maybe I can try to sell the house and stay in it, and they know I’m gonna die in it. And then they take it.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s a tough deal. You got to watch a guy die. The horniest guy of all time die.

ARI SHAFFIR: Watch this while you have a 21-bedroom house.

JOE ROGAN: You just send dirty whores to go fuck him to death.

MARK NORMAND: The pump. I know Larry Flynt had the dick pump.

JOE ROGAN: Larry Flynt got shot.

MARK NORMAND: He got shot.

JOE ROGAN: Paralyzed.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, I didn’t know that.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, he got shot.

MARK NORMAND: Damn.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, that’s why he’s in the wheelchair.

ARI SHAFFIR: Cum shot.

JOE ROGAN: Is he still—

MARK NORMAND: Hey, Mark Darwin.

SHANE GILLIS: Nice.

JOE ROGAN: Is he still alive?

MARK NORMAND: I think Michigan.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, he’s gotta be dead.

MARK NORMAND: He’s gotta be dead.

JOE ROGAN: Gotta be an awesome guest.

MARK NORMAND: Uh, oh yeah, no, he passed away in 2021.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh yeah, I thought he was still rolling.

JOE ROGAN: We’re having a puzzle. Okay, yeah, we missed the boat on that guy too. Fuck.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, that would have been a good one.

SHANE GILLIS: That would have been a good one.

MARK NORMAND: It was a good movie too.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, it was, it was. Courtney Love is good.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, very good. Norm was in that. Yeah, look at that fat honky.

SHANE GILLIS: What do you— how do you get shot?

ARI SHAFFIR: With a gun.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I remember this. So he was like a big proponent of free speech.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, he was a big free speech guy.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, what was the— I don’t remember what the assassination attempt was about. See if you can find it.

MARK NORMAND: Crazy about that magazine, they had racist jokes galore.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, so racist.

MARK NORMAND: It was crazy.

JOE ROGAN: Well, they weren’t just racist. Like, they were— the sex, that was like very harsh. Like, yeah, it was like harsh.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, way worse than Playboy. Oh yeah, way better than Playboy.

JOE ROGAN: Aggressively bad. So what was the shooting about?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, go to—

JOE ROGAN: Get off of images and go to all.

MARK NORMAND: Sometimes you can just find it that way.

ARI SHAFFIR: White supremacist.

JOE ROGAN: A white supremacist murderer who shot Larry Flynt is executed. They killed him in 2013.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wow!

MARK NORMAND: Why would he shoot him? The racist jokes were all a lot of problems.

JOE ROGAN: He’s a white supremacist. He’s racist.

ARI SHAFFIR: Maybe you put black chicks in the movie, in the magazine.

MARK NORMAND: Ah, that’ll do it.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’ll do it.

JOE ROGAN: So what was so — fighting a misdemeanor obscenity charge. Local attorney Gene Reeves was also shot on the sidewalk as both men walked back to — fucking pop-ups — to court. When you see a pop-up like that, doesn’t it make you not want to buy whatever that shit is forever?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Like, fuck you.

ARI SHAFFIR: It makes me want to block the whole page.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah. Like, you make me press that X, you savage.

ARI SHAFFIR: Fuck yeah.

MARK NORMAND: This nicotine’s a bad idea. Terrible, right? I’m like uncomfortable.

JOE ROGAN: That’s me last night at 2 in the morning.

MARK NORMAND: This sucks.

ARI SHAFFIR: I knew it was gonna be uncomfortable.

MARK NORMAND: I can’t relax.

ARI SHAFFIR: They’re so strong.

SHANE GILLIS: You’re running out. I’m trying to relax.

MARK NORMAND: Maybe the booze will help, but I’m flying and I can’t— I got like Beautiful Mind numbers over my head here. Hey dude, you got rid of that shitty watch.

JOE ROGAN: What happened?

MARK NORMAND: Hey, I got the Omega. No, look at that fatty. It was free.

JOE ROGAN: Well, thank God you got rid of that dumbass fucking—

MARK NORMAND: It died. Finally broke.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh really?

JOE ROGAN: I was gonna kill it when you weren’t looking.

SHANE GILLIS: You didn’t throw it out, did you?

MARK NORMAND: No, I got it.

SHANE GILLIS: I know you kept it.

MARK NORMAND: I kept it. I love that watch.

JOE ROGAN: It’s a little Timex 10.

MARK NORMAND: I think I would have been actually sad if you threw it out.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, yeah, where’d you get that watch?

MARK NORMAND: I did a— there’s I did some show in Cleveland. There’s a guy named Teddy, and he has a watch show, and if you do the show, you get a watch.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s better than the fuck—

JOE ROGAN: Teddy Baltasari. Yeah, Teddy Baltasari.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, maybe.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, the guy on YouTube.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, Burke did it. Tom did it.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, he’s really good.

MARK NORMAND: He’s good. Any watch you want. So I went with Omega.

JOE ROGAN: That’s cool. Nice, beautiful watch.

MARK NORMAND: Can I get this wet or no?

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, 100%.

MARK NORMAND: All right.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, definitely. No doubt about it. Okay, which model is that? Is that a chronograph Speedmaster? That’s what I have. I just got this one for my birthday.

MARK NORMAND: Hey, look at that!

SHANE GILLIS: My wife got me this one. Already peeing already.

MARK NORMAND: It’s a great—

SHANE GILLIS: Quick.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, Omegas are my favorite.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a fun watch.

SHANE GILLIS: You gotta empty your bladder.

MARK NORMAND: Best thing I own, this watch.

JOE ROGAN: Omegas, and I like Seikos. I really like Grand Seikos and Seikos.

MARK NORMAND: Japanese, right?

JOE ROGAN: They never fuck up. They last forever. You could fucking run them through the mud.

MARK NORMAND: They got the quartz.

JOE ROGAN: They never mess up. No, no, they’re all— it’s all automatic. American serial killer and white supremacist who murdered 16 people between ’78 and 1980. He either admitted to or was convicted of shooting 22 people across 10 US states.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa.

JOE ROGAN: Which he drifted between while likely supporting himself with money from bank robberies.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa. That’s gotta be a movie about that guy.

JOE ROGAN: Whoa. What a wild motherfucker.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s shooting interracial couples.

JOE ROGAN: Imagine being trapped in a motel with that guy.

MARK NORMAND: Yikes. Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: Hey, what’s up, man? I’ll tell you what’s up.

JOE ROGAN: Just you and him in a room. You’re waiting on somebody to come pick you up. So how do you know Charles?

MARK NORMAND: Mm-hmm. Yeah, the nudie magazine industry is all over.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, it’s over.

MARK NORMAND: We got OnlyFans, free porn.

JOE ROGAN: Well, you know what, when I hear something funny— when I was a kid, they weren’t allowed to show erections.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s a good rule.

MARK NORMAND: I like that.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s for the fellas. Yeah, that’s for the fellas.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t know what they thought because you could see full pussy. Like, a girl could spread her pussy lips. Like, that was the thing about Hustler versus Penthouse. Penthouse— or, uh, or Playboy rather. Playboy was classy. Yeah, Playboy’s— the ladies, you’d see the bush, but that’s it. You didn’t see— you didn’t look deep into the mouth of the dragon. But in Hustler, they were spreading that shit open.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: And they would spray it down with water, get it all glistening, and you’d see the bottom of her dirty toes. Like, that was Hustler.

MARK NORMAND: Looks like the Predator mouth.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, they open wide, but you couldn’t see cock. And if you did see cock, it had to be limp.

MARK NORMAND: Really? Yeah, yeah.

JOE ROGAN: So when I was a kid, we used to find magazines in the woods, and, uh, the first magazine that we ever found was Guys and Girls.

I remember it was like a guy was supposedly a male prostitute that had sex with a really hot rich lady. And so he shows up at her house, like there’s all these different photos, shows up at her house, next thing you know, she’s on the bathroom sink and he’s eating her box and the whole thing. And then when there’s sex scenes, his dick looks like a drowning victim they pulled out of a lake.

MARK NORMAND: His dick is just like—

JOE ROGAN: And I’m like, this guy’s right there! He’s like, “Why aren’t you hard?”

ARI SHAFFIR: This is crazy!

JOE ROGAN: It was almost like to keep people from getting too crazy about porn. Because you have to think like—

ARI SHAFFIR: Incremental steps.

JOE ROGAN: Porn wasn’t available unless you went to a place. You used to have to go to a movie theater and sit down and pay money. That’s a fucking raincoat on with a bunch of other freaks.

MARK NORMAND: Sit next to Pee-wee Herman.

JOE ROGAN: You’re all getting arrested.

MARK NORMAND: And Fred Williams.

JOE ROGAN: So then when I was in high school, he was—

MARK NORMAND: He got popped in there.

JOE ROGAN: VHS tapes came along, but at the same time where VHS tapes where you’re watching actual porn, the magazines still weren’t allowed to show erections.

MARK NORMAND: Well, erection is aggressive. It’s scary. It’s coming out of the screen. But a pussy is nice. It’s welcoming.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s inward. It doesn’t change shape.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t know why they couldn’t— I don’t know what rationale to keep people from seeing erections. It’s kind of crazy.

MARK NORMAND: Limp Bizkit.

JOE ROGAN: But you can get in trouble if a guy had an erection and you put it in a magazine.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s crazy.

MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: This is in the ’80s.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: They’re like, we got to do something. Here’s some rule.

JOE ROGAN: But it just shows you how retarded our society was just a few decades ago. That’s what’s really weird. You ever listen to Lenny Bruce? Not that long ago.

ARI SHAFFIR: What’d he get arrested for?

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s so tame.

JOE ROGAN: So tame. Really?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah. He’s like, oh, a bunch of knuckleheads up there.

SHANE GILLIS: Get him off. Get him off the fucking stage.

ARI SHAFFIR: Just waiting just for him to say anything.

JOE ROGAN: Well, they had obscenity laws regarding words. Like, if you said fuck, you can go to jail. Wow. Yeah. Okay, so that’s in the ’60s.

ARI SHAFFIR: So Nate would never get arrested.

JOE ROGAN: I’m in the ’80s, and you couldn’t show boners. You know, that was what I’m talking about in high school. You couldn’t show boners in magazines.

ARI SHAFFIR: Good.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about.

SHANE GILLIS: Let’s bring it back. Why do you want boners so bad?

JOE ROGAN: You want Sharia law. That’s what you want.

SHANE GILLIS: Get rid of the boners. Also, the magazines are coming back, dude, with these.

MARK NORMAND: For real?

SHANE GILLIS: Every one of these conservative states, you can’t fucking jack off on the internet.

MARK NORMAND: I know, right?

ARI SHAFFIR: Even VPNs won’t work sometimes.

JOE ROGAN: What are you talking about?

MARK NORMAND: It’s the new Mason-Dixon line. You go right on north, you’re back.

ARI SHAFFIR: Same thing in London.

JOE ROGAN: What?

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ve heard. I’ve never tried to get on one.

JOE ROGAN: I’ve tried it.

ARI SHAFFIR: If you got the right kind, you’re fine.

JOE ROGAN: VPNs work great.

ARI SHAFFIR: Not ExpressVPN.

MARK NORMAND: It’s this weird north-south divide. It’s dumb. It’s stupid.

JOE ROGAN: Well, it’s also they’ve done the THC thing. Here’s what Texas doesn’t understand. You will fuck this place up and you will turn the whole thing blue.

SHANE GILLIS: They will—

JOE ROGAN: Kids will turn on you if you tell them they can’t smoke weed. They know weed’s not killing anybody.

ARI SHAFFIR: Which one’s blue?

JOE ROGAN: This place?

ARI SHAFFIR: No.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, what’s blue? Um, Democrat. Oh, red is Republican.

SHANE GILLIS: Shut up.

MARK NORMAND: Come on.

JOE ROGAN: How do you not really know? He’s pretending he lives in England now.

SHANE GILLIS: Which one’s— which one’s donkey?

JOE ROGAN: He’s like Alec Baldwin’s wife. He’s like Alec Baldwin’s wife. “How you say cucumber?”

MARK NORMAND: Shut up.

SHANE GILLIS: This bit’s pissing me off.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ve been gone, lad.

SHANE GILLIS: You haven’t been gone.

MARK NORMAND: You’ve been drinking tea stew, mate.

JOE ROGAN: You remember when Alec Baldwin’s wife pretended she was Spanish? That was you right there.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: How do you say cucumber? Gumbear? Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Like, lady, what? The people she went to college with were like, that bitch speaks English.

MARK NORMAND: She’s from Boston.

JOE ROGAN: She must be so fine.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s like your boy Mamdani.

JOE ROGAN: Well, she’s super hot.

MARK NORMAND: He hit the old fucking Coke switch.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, he did.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, he was just showing before he couldn’t open it. What was it?

SHANE GILLIS: It’s just him code switching like crazy.

ARI SHAFFIR: An old one. Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah. He’s good at it. He can go full Indian.

JOE ROGAN: Of course, sociopath.

ARI SHAFFIR: They had this guy running in Ecuador who was running for the indigenous party, and he was— they showed him five years earlier. He’s wearing a business suit. Now he’s got like a ponytail and fucking all the shit. What did he? What was his code switch?

JOE ROGAN: Switching to Ugandan accent.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m Donnie’s Ugandan.

JOE ROGAN: All right, let’s hear it, let’s hear it.

SHANE GILLIS: You’re gonna love it.

JOE ROGAN: As a music supervisor for Queen of Katwe, and as we know, music is almost the last string that brings the picture together. It tells the story, it’s the tie-in of the whole story. How was that for you? I mean, being anywhere involved with the music will be a daunting task, but to be a supervisor at that, it must have been a mammoth task.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, so, um, I actually created a playlist, um, for Mira, who also happens to be my mother.

JOE ROGAN: Uh, you know, nepotism and hard work goes a long way.

MARK NORMAND: So in February, I made a playlist even before shooting of a kind of a sound that the film could have.

ARI SHAFFIR: What are we listening for?

SHANE GILLIS: We can find better ones, but you never hear him speak.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ve never heard him.

JOE ROGAN: He doesn’t sound anything like that.

SHANE GILLIS: He hit the old fucking— I was like, I don’t know, it’s crazy.

JOE ROGAN: So the real question is, what’s his real accent?

ARI SHAFFIR: Wait, that— oh, so that’s not— he’s American?

JOE ROGAN: No, no, he’s from Ghana.

SHANE GILLIS: But now he’s full—

JOE ROGAN: But now he speaks completely clear American.

ARI SHAFFIR: I did the right thing.

JOE ROGAN: The right thing.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, lose your accent.

JOE ROGAN: You should join those people in England since you live over there now.

ARI SHAFFIR: Bro, I’m trying to learn.

JOE ROGAN: Tell them, “Hey, hey, hey, you don’t have to talk like this. You don’t have to sing like this.”

ARI SHAFFIR: I make fun of people to their faces.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: As they’re like, “We have to do this.” I’m like, “We have to do this? You sound so fucking stupid.” I used to have a bit about it though.

MARK NORMAND: The Beatles, they don’t—

JOE ROGAN: They don’t sing like that. Nobody sings like that.

MARK NORMAND: Mm-hmm.

JOE ROGAN: Cindy Lauper talked like that. Like, people from like Manchester or Liverpool, like, I don’t know what you’re saying. Yeah, sometimes I’m interviewing like Paddy Pimblett, I’m like, I don’t know all these words.

Kyle Legacy, those were the greatest submissions I’ve ever seen in my life. It might be the greatest submission of all time. And he did it to that guy Benoit Saint-Denis, who’s a submission expert. Catch him in that guillotine on the first shot, and he called it. He said he’s gonna shoot for a takedown, “I’m gonna choke him unconscious.”

SHANE GILLIS: When he comes out, where’s your head at? Yeah, yeah, bro, he’s so wonderful.

JOE ROGAN: He has so much fun. The crazy thing with that dude is on the walk to the cage, looks like he’s having a party. It’s all dancing and party. The moment he gets in that cage, the flip, the switch gets flipped. And then he’s just stone-faced, and he’s not— no more playing around, very serious.

It’s like he just enjoys himself up into the moment where he has to lock in, and then he locks in. It’s like sometimes I worry about a guy getting too relaxed and too confident. With that dude, it’s like he’s got it perfect balance. Party, the whole crowd is doing this, everybody’s doing this, the whole fucking crowd. And then, but when he gets into the octagon, he dances a little bit for everybody. And then he just locks in. It’s amazing to watch.

MARK NORMAND: He flips a switch later when he gains 60 pounds too.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, he gained so much weight.

SHANE GILLIS: I also respect the hair.

MARK NORMAND: I love it.

ARI SHAFFIR: In the offseason.

MARK NORMAND: I love it. It’s like he transitions.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s like, who was that?

ARI SHAFFIR: James Harden.

SHANE GILLIS: Who was the British boxer?

ARI SHAFFIR: Lennox Lewis.

SHANE GILLIS: That fought Mayweather and Pacquiao? Ricky Hatton.

JOE ROGAN: Ricky Hatton.

SHANE GILLIS: Hatton would fucking blow up too.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, he would get big.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Look at these guys.

ARI SHAFFIR: All wearing wigs.

MARK NORMAND: Looks like Hanson’s grave.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, they all wear Patty the Baddy wigs. How many blonde wigs has this guy sold? I’ll tell you, man, if this dude gets a hold of your neck, everybody’s fucked. Everybody’s fucked if he gets a hold of you. Let me show— just show him coming out dancing. As soon as people see him, they go crazy.

SHANE GILLIS: That roll is so sick.

JOE ROGAN: As soon as the audience sees him, they go fucking bananas. Everybody starts throwing their arms in the air.

SHANE GILLIS: Wow.

JOE ROGAN: I turned around and looked behind me when I was calling the fights. Fucking everybody had their arms going. It was amazing.

MARK NORMAND: It was amazing.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s probably the most fun right now.

JOE ROGAN: 100%.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, most fun. He’s the new Conor.

JOE ROGAN: He’s the most fun. Yeah, but it’s different. He’s like a street guy.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, he’s fun.

JOE ROGAN: He’s like, yeah, him and Topuria fucking hate each other. So that would— that’s a really interesting fight. But let me tell you something, man. He’s big. Like, deceptively big. Like, he’s deceptively big when you’re standing next to him. He’s a big guy. Topuria is not nearly as big as Paddy. Paddy’s huge. He’s a big guy.

MARK NORMAND: And he gets—

JOE ROGAN: He gets— yeah, he gets fat in between, but I mean, when you look, he’s fucking big.

MARK NORMAND: How tall is he?

JOE ROGAN: At least 5’11 and thick. That’s the thing about his back. Like, when he got a hold of Benoit Saint-Denis, he catches him in that D’Arce choke, and then you see the back muscles on that motherfucker. And then he wraps his legs over the top and he’s rolling through the whole thing. Like, he’s got a squeeze, man. He’s big.

MARK NORMAND: Look at this.

JOE ROGAN: This move was so slick. You have to understand, this has never been done in the UFC before. Out of all the submissions—

ARI SHAFFIR: What is this?

JOE ROGAN: It’s a D’Arce choke with legs over the top. Like, it’s almost like you’re in full guard. And he’s using the right foot. You see what he’s doing with his right foot? He’s flexing forward. He’s holding his arm in place. And then his left foot is pressing down on the back, and then he’s got the full D’Arce grip, like a rear naked choke style grip on the choke with the arm tucked in.

So he’s got his legs involved, he’s got his back involved, his arms, everything. It’s insane how much— can’t get his left arm out of there because he ain’t going nowhere. He’s fucked. He’s complete— and he tries to roll because Benoit has the knees like very legit. So he tries to roll out of it and Paddy just rolls with him. And then winds up on top with just insane pressure, man, and just puts him to sleep. But no one’s ever done that submission. So it’s a combination of like a Peruvian necktie, yeah, a D’Arce, and you know, maybe a couple other things.

ARI SHAFFIR: What’s his right leg?

JOE ROGAN: So people are calling it the padlock now.

MARK NORMAND: Hey, I like it.

JOE ROGAN: Another kid just pulled it off recently in another MMA fight, pulled off the exact same move, the exact same leg. Which is really fun. It’s like people see someone do something, they go, “Oh, I didn’t think about it that way.” Because generally when you catch someone in a D’Arce choke, what you do is you try to hook the leg, and you’re just basically sinking the choke in deep and you’re hooking the leg. But what he did was went around the top and got over his back and then just rolled with him.

And it’s like, oh my god, the pressure’s insane. It’s just like when I watch some guys getting choked, and I’m looking for— I look for a way out. I look for like, where’s a way out? Where’s a way to defend? I’m like, there ain’t no way out of this. This is death.

ARI SHAFFIR: What’s he doing with his right leg to his left arm?

JOE ROGAN: Well, his right leg is hooking the bicep. He’s hooking it right where the bicep meets the crook of the elbow, so he can’t— he’s not gonna be able to get that arm back. So it’s like locked in place like here, so he can’t defend. What he wants to do is sneak it under and try to separate the lock. So now this arm’s out of the equation.

SHANE GILLIS: I would have—

JOE ROGAN: So you’re only defending— you’re defending one leg and 2 arms that are wrapped around your neck with one hand. With only one hand, because he’s using his right foot to lock a hold of that elbow crook. It’s fucking sick, pulling it back. As a guy who loves jiu-jitsu, that’s the sickest shit I’ve ever seen.

MARK NORMAND: They should teach that to cops. Cops would be good. They’d be good to know that. You know, you just—

JOE ROGAN: You wouldn’t just shoot people.

MARK NORMAND: You could just lock them up.

SHANE GILLIS: You’re gonna put them in a padlock?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, yeah, get them in a padlock.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, just shoot them. All right, it’s faster.

MARK NORMAND: And we got the body cam footage.

JOE ROGAN: Cops should definitely know jiu-jitsu. Look at it. That’s what he looks like when he’s getting squished.

MARK NORMAND: Holy shit, look at that.

JOE ROGAN: You know how insane that is? Like, he’s got one arm that really can’t even engage. See, his arm can’t even grab a hold of where it’s gripped. Oh, that poor guy. He can’t reach it. And then his other hand is where he wraps ahold of it with his foot. So he locks up with his right foot underneath the crook of the elbow on the left arm, and the other arm’s useless. So he’s just going— he’s just going—

MARK NORMAND: Pad Thai.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s a good name.

MARK NORMAND: Imagine ripping a fart right then.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, they call it either the padlock or the pad thai. That’s what people are calling it.

MARK NORMAND: I love them both. Good.

JOE ROGAN: He should name it. Patty should name it.

MARK NORMAND: He did. That’s what he put up.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, he called it the pad thai?

MARK NORMAND: That’s great. There he goes.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, beautiful. Okay, so that’s what it is now. So it’s the pad thai.

ARI SHAFFIR: Remember the Jew Claw?

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah, you take the money. Yeah, pickpocket.

SHANE GILLIS: What’s the Jew Claw?

ARI SHAFFIR: Eddie Bravo name.

JOE ROGAN: Eddie Bravo had a— I forget how it goes. I forget that move. How does it work?

MARK NORMAND: Do you remember?

ARI SHAFFIR: No, but I was there and he was like, “What should we— oh, let’s call it the— oh, all right, Jew Claw.” I was like, “I’ll allow it.”

JOE ROGAN: He’s always got ridiculous names.

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s like, “No, we’ll change it.”

MARK NORMAND: Worst superhero ever.

ARI SHAFFIR: Just a guy.

JOE ROGAN: I had to do commentary for the UFC once, and one of the guys that was fighting was one of Eddie’s students, and he was doing something called crackhead control. So it was like on Fox, and I had to explain, this is called crackhead control.

ARI SHAFFIR: I didn’t name it, guys.

JOE ROGAN: What is this?

MARK NORMAND: Sweep from the claw.

JOE ROGAN: Sweep from the Jew Claw? You’re afraid to say Jew?

MARK NORMAND: I mean, it’s not written Jew.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s misspelled. Eddie was clear.

JOE ROGAN: No, it’s J-E-W. No, that’s, that’s literally how it’s spelled.

MARK NORMAND: Are there any Jewish fighters?

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, definitely. There’s a ton. There’s a ton.

MARK NORMAND: He had a good sleeper. Wait, in the UFC?

SHANE GILLIS: In the UFC. My ears get hot in these fucking things.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, okay.

MARK NORMAND: Who’s a Jewish fighter?

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ll say that AC, I don’t know.

JOE ROGAN: Well, Moti Horenstein was the first.

ARI SHAFFIR: Every 75.

JOE ROGAN: Moti Horenstein was, I think he was an Israeli Special Forces guy and he was a Krav Maga guy and he was — maybe Kieliszkowski. He was in the early UFCs. He fought Don Frye and got beat up. He fought a few big guys and got beat up.

MARK NORMAND: Mm-hmm.

ARI SHAFFIR: But Tiger—

JOE ROGAN: Maybe he didn’t fight Tiger Schulman. Tiger Schulman is a coach and he runs a bunch of like elite—

SHANE GILLIS: He marketed MMA gyms. Yeah, he sells a lot.

ARI SHAFFIR: He parlayed it well.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, he’s probably a good fighter.

JOE ROGAN: Well, they know what they’re doing for sure. They’ve developed a bunch of like elite fighters. Like Shane Burgos came out of there. A bunch of guys, like top-level guys, came out of Tiger Schulman’s.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, he was MAGA, huh? Oh, Krav Maga, the original MAGA.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t remember what Moti Horenstein’s style was, but this is about running away and surviving. Moti Horenstein. He was an Israeli guy who fought in the early UFC.

SHANE GILLIS: He was good.

ARI SHAFFIR: Just sue me.

SHANE GILLIS: Talk to me and put me in my spot, I’ll sue you.

JOE ROGAN: He was good, but he was a little too small, and he was also not a wrestler. And you know, he got fucked over by these wrestlers. They just beat the shit out of him. So who— there he is.

MARK NORMAND: There he is.

JOE ROGAN: Okay, so this is 2026. Oh, he’s doing like a seminar. Oh, okay. See if you can find like footage of him from the early days of the UFC. Benny the Jet looks like a fucking vampire. He was a guest. He was a guest.

ARI SHAFFIR: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yes. Yeah, when I first moved to LA in ’94, that was one of the first places I went to. There was 2 meccas that were in LA. One of them was the Comedy Store.

SHANE GILLIS: That was the big one.

JOE ROGAN: The other one for me was the Jet Center. That was his place in Van Nuys.

SHANE GILLIS: This is the Smashing Machine versus—

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, that’s who it was. It was Mark Kerr, and he got destroyed.

ARI SHAFFIR: I would not want to fight the Smashing Machine.

JOE ROGAN: So he was good, but he was a karate guy. And like, there ain’t no way you’re gonna be dealing with Mark. Oh, big Mark Kerr. Yeah, he’s huge. Immediate shot. Not only that, are you wearing a gi? There’s so much to grab ahold of. It’s so easy to control you. If fighters fought in a gi in the UFC, the fights would be completely different. And Mark just beat the fuck out of him.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh God, you hold me down too much.

JOE ROGAN: Stop it, please get off. Also, Mark admittedly was on all the steroids. Oh yeah, he was on some stuff that you could only get in Mexico.

MARK NORMAND: Didn’t need them.

ARI SHAFFIR: Should have saved us steroids.

JOE ROGAN: This is like UFC probably 10. Okay, 14. UFC 14. Yeah, I was there for this. This is back when I was working.

MARK NORMAND: Key Willikers.

ARI SHAFFIR: When you’re working for free?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I was— no, I got paid back then.

MARK NORMAND: Nice.

JOE ROGAN: I didn’t work for free until the new UFC because they were hemorrhaging money. So they tricked me into working. They tricked me into doing one event. I did one event when they did the Best Damn Sports Show Period, remember that?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, so they had a Best Damn Sports Show Period UFC. So they had to make it UFC 37 and a half. I think it was 37, 32 and a half.

ARI SHAFFIR: Was it Tom Arnold?

JOE ROGAN: He was on it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, Tom Arnold. Brody did the warm-up. Yep.

JOE ROGAN: It was a couple other dudes on it. And so they did that and they did that for Fox, and Dana and I were friends. And Dana was like, “Just do me a solid. Would you just do commentary on this one show? Just because it’s gonna be on Fox. It’d be big. Fear Factor guy does it.” I’m like, “Okay, I’ll do one.” And I did one, and then the next thing you know, “You wanna do another one?”

SHANE GILLIS: I’m like, ah.

JOE ROGAN: Got me. He got me. And the next thing you know, I did like 15 of them for free. They gave me a nice Rolex though.

MARK NORMAND: They used to do celebrity boxing. Remember that?

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah.

MARK NORMAND: That was fun. They should bring that back.

JOE ROGAN: Screech. Yeah, well, they will.

MARK NORMAND: Jimmy Kimmel, I think, did one.

JOE ROGAN: Always a bunch of people that are broke.

MARK NORMAND: Harding.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, Tonya Harding was—

SHANE GILLIS: She could fight.

JOE ROGAN: How about we did on the Man Show, Tonya Harding fought Doug Stanhope?

MARK NORMAND: That’s awesome.

ARI SHAFFIR: Really?

MARK NORMAND: Who wants to kill them?

JOE ROGAN: Doug kind of held back a little bit. Ah, Doug was being a good guy.

ARI SHAFFIR: He didn’t have her fucking raw.

JOE ROGAN: Doug’s got a great ego. He doesn’t need to win. He just wanted to make it entertaining. It was pretty funny though, because watching Doug smoking cigarettes in between rounds, like, “Oh, I’ve never seen this.”

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s such a small ring.

MARK NORMAND: Ah, look at the little guy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Is that his mom?

JOE ROGAN: The ring was fucking tiny. It was ridiculous. Poor, poor Doug.

MARK NORMAND: Look how young he looks.

JOE ROGAN: God, that’s crazy. Look, he’s taking a whole cigarette. His mom was alive.

MARK NORMAND: That’s great.

JOE ROGAN: That was fun. Now, who won? I don’t remember.

ARI SHAFFIR: The fans won.

JOE ROGAN: Nobody won. Everybody lost, including America. Those celebrity boxing matches, sometimes they’re sad. What was it? The dude died recently. Aaron Carter, is that his name? Yeah, with the tattoos on his face. He had one against the basketball player who used to fuck the Kardashian girl. Yeah, Lamar Odom probably killed him. Uh-huh.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, crazy choice. Uh-huh.

MARK NORMAND: Should have done crackhead control on that guy.

JOE ROGAN: It’d be like me fighting a 13-year-old. So ridiculous. He’s so big, and that kid couldn’t fight at all. The whole thing was crazy. Like, he must have just been so desperate for money or something, you know? I don’t know, something sad.

ARI SHAFFIR: Ever see Dirty Work? Sure, when the kid from Diff’rent Strokes comes in and tries to fight— you’re like, how’s this good? What’s the joke?

JOE ROGAN: Oh, Todd Coleman. Yeah, yeah, was it Gary Coleman?

SHANE GILLIS: It’s Gary Coleman.

JOE ROGAN: He just gets walloped. Do you remember when Gary Coleman was working as a security guard and people would just show up just to make fun of him?

ARI SHAFFIR: No, poor guy.

MARK NORMAND: People are so evil.

JOE ROGAN: Because there’s one thing if you’re just a 4-foot-tall security guard, that’s one thing. But if you’re a 4-foot-tall security guard who used to be a TV star, massively famous, then people feel like— when you’ve crashed, when you’ve made it to great heights and then you’ve crashed, there’s people that revel in that.

MARK NORMAND: They love it.

JOE ROGAN: They love watching. Look at, look at the size difference.

ARI SHAFFIR: Fucking—

JOE ROGAN: How crazy is that? Not only 6 foot.

MARK NORMAND: It says he was 6 foot.

JOE ROGAN: He’s 6 foot. Okay, be 6 foot, 100 pounds.

MARK NORMAND: Respect for going in the ring though.

JOE ROGAN: No, he’s on drugs. Ah, he’s gotta be out of his fucking mind.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, he’s on the Elvis diet.

JOE ROGAN: That is crazy. Look at the weight difference. The weight difference is literally insane. That’s literally insane. The weight difference is like fucking 80 pounds and he’s giant. It’s terrible. Don’t watch.

SHANE GILLIS: Mark could have been on crack.

MARK NORMAND: That’s what I’m saying.

SHANE GILLIS: Might have made it worse.

MARK NORMAND: That would have helped him control.

JOE ROGAN: I’ll fight anybody if I was on crack.

ARI SHAFFIR: He got to round 2.

MARK NORMAND: Oh well, I don’t think they’re like one-minute rounds.

JOE ROGAN: I mean, even then, it’s just a beating. Oh, if he was a kind soul, he would have just punched him to the body, just liver punched him until he drops.

MARK NORMAND: Damn.

JOE ROGAN: But you know, you gotta do what you gotta do, Carter. That’s the saddest state of fighting, is people that are desperate for the money because they used to be famous, now they’re not, and then they’re gonna have a fight.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s fame and money. Yeah, same time.

JOE ROGAN: Or slap fighting. That was the saddest date when you need the money and you’re slow because you know you’re only getting like $18 grand.

SHANE GILLIS: The slap boxing.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you ain’t getting much.

SHANE GILLIS: The slap.

ARI SHAFFIR: You ever see Jeremiah fuck up Lewis?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, did Jeremiah hit him with solid shots?

SHANE GILLIS: That was great.

JOE ROGAN: Lewis started cheating a little. Oh yeah, Lewis hit him with like a legit punch to the body. SHANE GILLIS: Legion of Skanks. And I was— yeah, I was so happy.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I was obviously—

JOE ROGAN: They had a slap fight.

MARK NORMAND: Jeremiah—

SHANE GILLIS: Lewis just would never be able to handle the loss, which is very funny.

MARK NORMAND: Sure.

ARI SHAFFIR: Jeremiah weighs 100 negative 4 pounds.

JOE ROGAN: Lewis got leg kicked by— no, this is just one of them. They had one of them that they did on the stage.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, this one was the setup because you’ve got—

JOE ROGAN: Did Jeremiah still box at one point in his life or something?

ARI SHAFFIR: He boxes against Satan.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, Jesus.

ARI SHAFFIR: He loves Jesus.

JOE ROGAN: Did he box or something at some point in his life?

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s just wiry. Interesting.

JOE ROGAN: So Lewis was outside of the Creek and some homeless guy was talking shit. Something happened. Oh, so he squares up with the homeless guy and the homeless guy immediately leg kicks him like a really good Muay Thai leg kick, and then he hits him with a second one.

SHANE GILLIS: That guy was like, “All right, all right.” No, I watched it a few times. Lewis wanted to keep it going.

JOE ROGAN: I didn’t even watch it.

MARK NORMAND: I know Lewis put his hand out. He was like, “All right, all right, I won’t watch that.”

JOE ROGAN: And I won’t watch the Perez Hilton video either.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, that’s good.

JOE ROGAN: It’s fine.

MARK NORMAND: It’s fine.

SHANE GILLIS: This guy having a break.

MARK NORMAND: He’s not actually—

JOE ROGAN: Half an hour.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s not cutting himself.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, you think it’s fake? Yeah, he’s in the hospital. Doing what?

SHANE GILLIS: Still the mental breakdown, not for the wounds.

JOE ROGAN: Are you sure?

SHANE GILLIS: I would imagine.

MARK NORMAND: I think he got some pretty good lessons.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t know if you want to say that. That dude will sue you. He will sue you.

SHANE GILLIS: That crazy fucking really cut himself?

JOE ROGAN: Sure, just for attention. He sues the guy who holds the world record, the world record of the largest selling-out show of all time. Of course he’s gonna sue.

ARI SHAFFIR: Perez Hilton?

JOE ROGAN: No, this guy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, you’re right.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, of course.

ARI SHAFFIR: I thought I heard selling out.

SHANE GILLIS: I went the other way. You’re in England, a lot of things I’m a headliner now.

JOE ROGAN: There’s a new sheriff in town.

MARK NORMAND: How is it over there? You fit again?

ARI SHAFFIR: You— I’m not— it’s fucking rough. They hate immigrants so hard.

JOE ROGAN: When are you gonna move back?

MARK NORMAND: Including you?

JOE ROGAN: Why don’t you come back here? Right here, right here, buddy. Come on, we’ll get you an apartment.

MARK NORMAND: You gotta go.

JOE ROGAN: I’m already hooking up.

SHANE GILLIS: You call yourself an immigrant?

ARI SHAFFIR: They are calling me an immigrant. He’s set up to make it hard for you.

JOE ROGAN: No, he’s an immigrant.

SHANE GILLIS: If you’re in England, immigrants they don’t like.

ARI SHAFFIR: I know, I’m trying to explain that to them.

JOE ROGAN: I think they like the other kind.

MARK NORMAND: Tell them you hate Muslims, you’ll fit in.

JOE ROGAN: If you just came in with no paperwork, you’d get all the services.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, they hate Jewish immigrants.

ARI SHAFFIR: No, no, they— yeah, they hate just immigrants. They make it hard. You can’t rent an apartment unless you have 3 years of UK rental experience.

SHANE GILLIS: What? You’re from a different country?

JOE ROGAN: Come back.

ARI SHAFFIR: I know, we all—

JOE ROGAN: Every immigrant, come back to America.

SHANE GILLIS: You know what I mean? Ari, don’t tell them you’re from—

JOE ROGAN: Ari, we got a place for you right here.

MARK NORMAND: How do the other guys get in so easy?

ARI SHAFFIR: They have to live with their fucking— ah, they don’t. They just can’t do it.

JOE ROGAN: I got a place for you. It’s nice. It’s a nice condo.

ARI SHAFFIR: Let me stay with you.

JOE ROGAN: Come on.

MARK NORMAND: I got.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ll stay at the foot of your bed.

JOE ROGAN: Watch me and my wife fuck.

ARI SHAFFIR: Do this in the middle of the night. Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: I’ll make you take pictures of me and my wife fucking.

ARI SHAFFIR: Eat popcorn while you guys are fucking.

JOE ROGAN: It’s like, why don’t you get a nice place and a nice penthouse? I know a spot. I know a spot.

SHANE GILLIS: I got a spot for you.

ARI SHAFFIR: Let me get me a place right above Tony.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, it’s a nice view.

ARI SHAFFIR: The place.

JOE ROGAN: The place that I’m talking about.

MARK NORMAND: Down at the bottom.

JOE ROGAN: I literally have a spot. I have a spot. It’s a nice condo. You don’t need to live in that nonsense.

MARK NORMAND: You’re gonna end up here anyway. It’s gonna happen.

JOE ROGAN: It’s more fun.

SHANE GILLIS: You’re having fun over there.

JOE ROGAN: Listen, if you want to work, there’s plenty of fucking clubs.

SHANE GILLIS: Too early.

JOE ROGAN: Shut up.

ARI SHAFFIR: Living in Nob Hill.

SHANE GILLIS: You’re gonna arrest you if you’re having fun. What? You just said you’re just getting started. You’re not having fun.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m not having fun. It’s been very difficult. It’s been extremely difficult. 2 months I haven’t found an apartment. I’ve been turned down by 7 apartments.

MARK NORMAND: Wow, you gotta shave.

ARI SHAFFIR: There’s legit anti-immigration shit.

JOE ROGAN: All right, I’ll give you an apartment for a year for free.

SHANE GILLIS: Whoa, keep it down, keep it down.

JOE ROGAN: One year. It’s a nice 2-bedroom in a gated or guarded building.

ARI SHAFFIR: Can’t spell gated without—

JOE ROGAN: One year for free.

ARI SHAFFIR: Come on, dude, let’s get started.

JOE ROGAN: I think it’s on the 39th floor. It’s a great view.

ARI SHAFFIR: 39th floor? Which one is that? That tall thin one?

SHANE GILLIS: I’ll show you later.

MARK NORMAND: Later.

ARI SHAFFIR: What do you have it for?

JOE ROGAN: I got real estate, bro.

MARK NORMAND: I’m rich.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, nice.

JOE ROGAN: Wow.

MARK NORMAND: A year.

JOE ROGAN: I’ll give you one year for free.

MARK NORMAND: You don’t have any money.

ARI SHAFFIR: I don’t have any money.

JOE ROGAN: Come on, dog.

ARI SHAFFIR: You don’t need to be touring so long.

JOE ROGAN: Get some money at the mothership. You could do a night once a week. You get 80% of the door.

SHANE GILLIS: Woo!

JOE ROGAN: Start making money.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: You work all around town. You can start doing the road in America.

MARK NORMAND: America.

JOE ROGAN: Home of the brave.

SHANE GILLIS: Was this offered before? Wait till he moves to England.

ARI SHAFFIR: I had to go through all the paperwork.

JOE ROGAN: I didn’t think he was really going to go through with it. I thought he was going to stick with Legion of Skanks.

ARI SHAFFIR: Dude, I had to get fucking Francis Foster to be my guarantor. They were like, “Wow, trust you with your money.” I was like, “I make more than him.” And they were like, “It’s not your— it’s American.”

JOE ROGAN: Damn, they don’t trust your money?

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m freelance, so I have no actual boss, right? No employer. And then it’s like, “Do you feel safe, bro?”

JOE ROGAN: Can’t they just Google you and see your Netflix specials?

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ve tried that.

MARK NORMAND: That doesn’t work.

ARI SHAFFIR: The problem is they saw the first one first.

MARK NORMAND: Which one?

JOE ROGAN: Like, he’s got no Amazing Racist?

ARI SHAFFIR: No, no. Yeah, that’d be great. No, they would welcome me in there.

MARK NORMAND: They saw your Kobe video. There’s got to be a British guy out there who’s hearing this, like a British Rogan who’s like, “I’ll give you a place.”

SHANE GILLIS: Jimmy Carr.

JOE ROGAN: Jimmy Carr.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yep, he wrote my visa letter.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, he’s a great guy.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, he’s a good guy.

JOE ROGAN: Ricky Gervais is great.

SHANE GILLIS: Fucking apartment, dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ve been turned down by 7 apartments.

JOE ROGAN: Why don’t you live with Eddie Izzard?

ARI SHAFFIR: Eddie Izzard? Because I need some fucking closet space.

JOE ROGAN: Listen, why? Ah, he’s way out of the closet, bro.

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s all the way out for his dresses.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, got it.

JOE ROGAN: Um, listen, come back, come back to America. It’s a cute idea.

ARI SHAFFIR: You gotta hit me up in a year. I haven’t even gotten started yet.

JOE ROGAN: Come on, stop.

MARK NORMAND: It’s not gonna work.

JOE ROGAN: Can you hand me one of them bottles of beer? Absolutely.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, give me one of those Bud Lights.

MARK NORMAND: Absolutely.

SHANE GILLIS: One of those crisp—

JOE ROGAN: Trying to get fat off these IPAs.

MARK NORMAND: Hell yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Give me some keys. Let’s do this together.

SHANE GILLIS: All right, hold on.

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s got some keys.

JOE ROGAN: Keys?

SHANE GILLIS: Give it a second.

ARI SHAFFIR: Keys, keys, keys. Keys.

SHANE GILLIS: Keys. Give it a sec. Don’t try to deflect from your fucking British.

ARI SHAFFIR: Guys, I just started. This is the wrong time.

JOE ROGAN: Sorry. Fuck that place. No disrespect to English people. I love them to death.

SHANE GILLIS: But I bought tickets.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m not going now.

JOE ROGAN: Here’s the other problem. They’re gonna put you in jail. You talk too much shit, dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: Trust me, I fucking press them.

MARK NORMAND: They’re gonna Princess Di you.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah. You want to go to jail, huh?

ARI SHAFFIR: Is that the plan? Fucking rumors.

JOE ROGAN: That’s what it is.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: He’s — this is a Josh. Michelle Obama’s a man on the White House lawn. That’s what he’s doing. He’s doing that shit.

ARI SHAFFIR: I got a sweet new bit about Muslim drivers, female drivers.

JOE ROGAN: Oh shit, I do too. Let’s make sure we don’t have any crossover.

ARI SHAFFIR: Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Talk about it later. Um, you don’t want to live there, dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: I do, it’s fun.

JOE ROGAN: Shut the fuck up. You miss us.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s fun.

MARK NORMAND: You miss us.

JOE ROGAN: You were so sad.

SHANE GILLIS: Manchester United, that would rock, dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: December 5th, come to the derby.

JOE ROGAN: Sure, to visit, right?

SHANE GILLIS: To derby. What? Once you live there long enough, you’ll understand it’s called a derby.

ARI SHAFFIR: I just said the derby.

SHANE GILLIS: You called it derby because I didn’t say that. It’s spelled derby.

ARI SHAFFIR: I said derby.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s a derby, lad.

ARI SHAFFIR: Watch the tape.

SHANE GILLIS: Watch the tape.

ARI SHAFFIR: I said it. Yeah, watch this. Roll it back.

SHANE GILLIS: Roll it back.

JOE ROGAN: Click back.

SHANE GILLIS: I wish we could rewind.

MARK NORMAND: I think he said derby.

JOE ROGAN: We need to instant replay.

SHANE GILLIS: I apologize then.

JOE ROGAN: I thought he said derby as well.

SHANE GILLIS: I’ll be the bigger man. You see how I do that?

JOE ROGAN: You’re not a bigger man.

MARK NORMAND: You were wrong.

JOE ROGAN: You’re not a bigger man when you admit you’re wrong.

SHANE GILLIS: I’ll see. I’ll see.

JOE ROGAN: That’s not a bigger man.

MARK NORMAND: See?

SHANE GILLIS: Well, you don’t know who’s right.

MARK NORMAND: You were clearly wrong.

ARI SHAFFIR: Hold on a sec.

SHANE GILLIS: Can I speak?

MARK NORMAND: Can I finish?

SHANE GILLIS: See, somebody lost their composure. Now, when I’m wrong, that’s the name of this thing. I go, “I’m wrong.” Okay, and that’s just a lesson for you. You can learn from this.

MARK NORMAND: Derby Dream House.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s back. That nicotine took him out. That was in London.

Fauci, Vaccines, and the Autopen

MARK NORMAND: That was a rush. Not a good rush. Couldn’t think straight. My legs won’t stop moving.

JOE ROGAN: Now imagine taking like literally 20 of those over the course of a night and then trying to go to bed. That was me last night. I was laying in bed, I said, “I think I’m done.”

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, it’s every night. And then I listen to that fucking Annie Jacobsen book every night.

JOE ROGAN: I’m like, “Oh shit, who’s that?” Uh, no, she’s the lady that wrote the book on nuclear war, nuclear war scenario, which was the scariest book I’ve ever read. The new one is on biological war. It’s bad.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s a bummer.

JOE ROGAN: It’s fucking scary.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like how easy it would be to ruin everything.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: And how we’re doing it.

JOE ROGAN: Everyone can die.

SHANE GILLIS: Russia did it.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: And China’s definitely doing it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: We’re making crazy stuff right now in labs. Like all this Fauci shit that’s coming out. Like a lot of this stuff, what they’re really doing is warfare stuff. Yeah. It’s a lot of these diseases, this gain of function where they’re trying to pretend that they’re trying to protect people from future viruses. What they’re doing is making viruses more transmissible and more deadly, and they’re working on it. Your tax dollars are at work.

SHANE GILLIS: All right, they made a plague. They made the bubonic plague that the first 24 hours they spliced in a thing that makes it— you feel euphoric. It’s like ecstasy for 24 hours so that you want to go out and talk to people and go to a bar and want to go out and dance.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s like brilliant and evil at the same time. Who’s doing that?

SHANE GILLIS: Soviets did it.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, it spreads like a virus.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, it’s like that cat. 100% deadly.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, but the fact that they spliced in ecstasy for 24 hours, so the first 24 hours you’re like, “I got to talk to my friends.”

MARK NORMAND: You’re feeling like, “Oh, that’s genius.”

JOE ROGAN: You’re calling your friends up, telling people about your new protocol. “This is my new health protocol.”

MARK NORMAND: Damn.

SHANE GILLIS: Whoa.

JOE ROGAN: Meanwhile, you don’t know you have like 100% fatal Ebola. Or whatever it is.

SHANE GILLIS: Wow. Yeah, it’s pretty lame.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s pretty lame.

SHANE GILLIS: Whoever did this should be executed.

MARK NORMAND: All of them.

JOE ROGAN: All of them. Well, you see the Fauci thing where he knew that women were getting miscarriages?

ARI SHAFFIR: What?

JOE ROGAN: And they lied about it. He lied about it months after he knew, after he expressed publicly— or privately rather, in a text message— that it seems there’s a cytokine storm that’s causing miscarriages with the second dose.

So he says this in a text message. I don’t know if he said second dose, but he did say cytokine storm that is associated with miscarriages, and then publicly was out there promoting the idea of women who are pregnant getting vaccinated when he knew there was an issue.

And they also lied about the number. The number of women that got— I don’t even want to say what the number was because what I’m reading is 80%. 80% miscarriage rate in the first trimester. Something fucking insane. But I personally know 5 people who got pregnant during the pandemic, got vaccinated, and had miscarriages. 5 different people.

ARI SHAFFIR: If I got a girl pregnant, I’d be like, “You need to get the vaccine.”

JOE ROGAN: You need to be safe. Our baby needs to be safe. And you should get both the Moderna and the other one just in case. Oh yeah, dude, it’s fucking terrifying. That guy’s a sociopath. People that are thinking that this guy was some sort of a fucking healthcare hero, you don’t know what happened in the ’80s. You need to go and just objectively read up on what that guy did with AZT and AIDS in the ’80s.

MARK NORMAND: I thought he was like an AIDS hero.

JOE ROGAN: Fucking monster.

MARK NORMAND: Didn’t he do a lot of good with AIDS?

JOE ROGAN: So no, I’ll tell you in a minute. So what does it say? Uh, cumulative miscarriage rate of 10.8% from 6 to 20 weeks with— after mRNA vaccination.

Just stop and think of that. Imagine if you’re having a kid, and Mark, you have a kid, you’re the only one besides me. You love your kids more than fucking anything in life. The idea that you could give a medication and 1 out of 10, your baby’s dead. No one’s gonna sign up for that. And what are the odds your wife is gonna live and everyone’s gonna be fine? It’s 99.99999 if you’re having healthy. Meanwhile, this shit went around telling people that they should get vaccinated while they’re pregnant.

MARK NORMAND: I should have signed up for that.

JOE ROGAN: A claim from early 2021 pregnancy registry reports showed an 81 to 82% miscarriage rate. This is a misleading recalculation of preliminary registry data. Many live births in that early report involved people vaccinated in late pregnancy, so simply removing them from the denominator— but the issue, apparently what he said, was in the first trimester. That’s why it’s 82% within the first trimester. That’s what they’re saying.

This is what I’m reading from actual doctors, including Jay Bhattacharya was talking about it online. So this is not kooks that are talking about this issue, that he knew that there was an issue with women having miscarriages and that motherfucker still promoted it. He still promoted it openly on television. “It’s very important that women get vaccinated.” That’s the most important thing. They were just selling vaccines, man. They were selling vaccines and killing people.

MARK NORMAND: And why the fuck does an 80-year-old have a diary? Anyone find that strange? He’s laying in a race car bed with his feet up.

ARI SHAFFIR: Dream journal.

JOE ROGAN: “Today Jennifer Aniston said I was lovely.”

SHANE GILLIS: Weird.

JOE ROGAN: “Julia Roberts called me a hero.”

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah. Who’s he trying to remember? He’s gonna be fucking—

MARK NORMAND: Bro, he’s a crazy person.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m gonna look back at this.

JOE ROGAN: That guy’s a fucking legit crazy person.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, did other scientists have a diary?

JOE ROGAN: He gave people AZT in the 1980s when they had AIDS. AZT was a chemotherapy medication that they discontinued because it was killing people quicker than cancer, but it had already passed through all the FDA bullshit, right? So it had already been a used drug. So once it’s a used drug, you can use it for other things, off-label use.

ARI SHAFFIR: Started—

JOE ROGAN: That’s what they started doing in the ’80s, and they’re just fucking killing people who didn’t even have any symptoms. Arthur Ashe didn’t even have any symptoms, and they just started giving him AZT, and he was dead in like 6 months.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah, I think that’s the—

JOE ROGAN: Didn’t Baryshnikov— did he die from AIDS as well?

MARK NORMAND: Oh, from—

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, the dancer?

MARK NORMAND: Yes. Did he? He was a homosexual.

JOE ROGAN: Am I making that up?

MARK NORMAND: Pull it up.

JOE ROGAN: Someone like that also died of AIDS that didn’t have any symptoms but tested positive for HIV. And then the problem with the testing positive was they were doing the same shit that they were doing during the COVID epidemic, where 80% plus of all the COVID positives were false positives because they were using the PCR method, which Kary Mullis, the guy who invented the PCR method, said it’s not supposed to be ever used to detect an actual infection. That’s not what it’s for. It’s detecting— like whatever small amount of elements, depending on how many cycles you ramp it up. And if you ramp it up enough cycles, you could find almost anything. And that’s what they were finding. There’s 80-plus percent false positives.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: So how did he die? He’s not dead. Oh great, it wasn’t him. There was another guy who was a dancer.

MARK NORMAND: Well, you gotta have Fauci on.

JOE ROGAN: Sorry, Mitch Kemp. Yeah, definitely have him on. He’ll plead the Fifth to— did you see that shit? “What color is your tie?” “I respectfully plead the Fifth.”

SHANE GILLIS: He’s got pardons.

JOE ROGAN: But here’s the thing, the thing is Biden did all those through Autopen, and Trump just recently made an announcement that all the Autopen—

ARI SHAFFIR: What’s Autopen?

JOE ROGAN: Autopen is you use like a stamp, like a rubber stamp, instead of actually writing a signature, and they don’t count. And this is what allegedly, supposedly Trump is saying, that they don’t count and he’s making them all null and void. So that means, if that’s the case, that means that Biden, who pardoned more people than anybody ever by far, by like a giant jump, he pardoned Fauci for 10 years for things that he didn’t do. Well, Trump can’t void Biden’s auto pardon because of Autopen. So this is, uh, very recent.

MARK NORMAND: He wasn’t going to do it.

JOE ROGAN: Okay, but he did it. This is March 17th. So this is March 17th, 2025. I know, I saw it, but look it up recently because he did it on Truth Social. He talked about it on Truth Social. Unless it’s fake. That’s the other thing, it could be fake. I’m not online. Look, I have done a very smart thing over the last 3 months where I almost never go on Twitter, and I go on Instagram, and my curation right now is nice. It’s all murders and science stuff.

ARI SHAFFIR: Dude, I’ll send you some dog videos. We’ll get really in there.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I got dog videos.

ARI SHAFFIR: Top 10 dogs of the week. We Rate Dogs. Awesome. Everybody look it up.

MARK NORMAND: Fat asses.

JOE ROGAN: This is — Trump says he respects Biden’s Anthony Fauci pardon amid outcry over his own. So here’s the thing about the Autopen. If I had a guess, if you were starting to complain about Biden’s pardons and then you overturned Biden’s pardons, at the end of this presidency there’s going to be a lot of people where the justice is going to be coming for them unless a Republican gets into office. If J.D. Vance or Marco Rubio wins in 2028, they’re going to be okay. But if someone else, if the guy from Pennsylvania or whoever the fuck it is—

SHANE GILLIS: Are they talking about Shapiro?

JOE ROGAN: Maybe. He’s one of the ones that they throw around.

MARK NORMAND: Ben Shapiro?

JOE ROGAN: No, Josh Shapiro.

SHANE GILLIS: Josh Shapiro.

JOE ROGAN: There’s a few people that they say could be the president. The other guy’s the California—

ARI SHAFFIR: This is why they never try any of them for war crimes because they’re like, “I guess you guys will come back at me.”

JOE ROGAN: Exactly.

ARI SHAFFIR: Because they all do it. Everyone in the government’s doing that shit.

JOE ROGAN: This government has done some shit that no government has ever done before, and one of them is the crypto stuff. The crypto stuff’s nuts. Like, Trump has made billions in crypto.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, look, government’s so fucking crooked.

JOE ROGAN: And then you got his sons, and his sons are involved in all these weird business deals where the business deals have to do with some things that Trump put— and then the sons are involved in these businesses, and there’s a lot of money flowing around that you could dig in and start arresting people. So if he pardons a bunch of people and gives them the same kind of deal that he gave Fauci—

SHANE GILLIS: Trump family would do that.

JOE ROGAN: Josh Kushner— yeah, but that’s his brother. That’s Jared Kushner’s brother. He’s not still— but that’s just a guy who has money.

MARK NORMAND: Dolly Parton, 2 weeks ago, he was at the White House.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, so was I. So was Shane, you know what I’m saying? Like, that’s the problem.

SHANE GILLIS: Let’s stop bringing up that.

ARI SHAFFIR: We got pretty early.

JOE ROGAN: We were there together.

SHANE GILLIS: They prayed me to go in the VIP room. I said no way.

MARK NORMAND: You didn’t?

JOE ROGAN: I went in there.

SHANE GILLIS: Fuck no. I knew those photos were gonna be taken.

ARI SHAFFIR: What was in the champagne room?

JOE ROGAN: Me and Nate Bargatze were in there.

SHANE GILLIS: I know.

MARK NORMAND: Chilling.

SHANE GILLIS: I know.

MARK NORMAND: Look how that turned out.

SHANE GILLIS: It was fine. I stood outside in the rain. I was like, “I’m not getting my picture taken.”

JOE ROGAN: I took zero heat for that event.

MARK NORMAND: But you took a photo with Trump a couple years back.

SHANE GILLIS: It was a funny photo.

MARK NORMAND: That was a great photo.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s ridiculous.

JOE ROGAN: What you were wearing, the Pablo Escobar shirt.

SHANE GILLIS: Pre a lot of things. That’s true.

JOE ROGAN: Pre-world record.

SHANE GILLIS: No, no, no, not me personally.

JOE ROGAN: I mean, I wrote him back then when I was taking that picture.

SHANE GILLIS: I was like, “This guy’s gonna release the Epstein files, no more wars.”

ARI SHAFFIR: Was it killing Americans?

SHANE GILLIS: Also still didn’t vote for him.

JOE ROGAN: Not a big deal. The Epstein files and then the Iran war.

ARI SHAFFIR: I saw you go after the vice president. It was pretty good.

JOE ROGAN: Well, I had to question him. Yeah, I mean, you know, I wanted to know, like, what are you saying?

ARI SHAFFIR: I liked it because he was like— you were like, “Well, maybe they fucking went to war with Iran for this.” And he’s like, “Well, I mean, you’re saying it wouldn’t because of that.” You’re like, “All right, put that aside.”

MARK NORMAND: He slipped that like Mayweather.

JOE ROGAN: Well, he did a good job of being respectful to the president. That’s what you’re supposed to do if you’re the vice president. That’s your job. Yeah, I mean, it really is your job. If you represent— it’s a different thing just being a guy versus being a vice president. So he’s in a position where I had, you know, I asked him a tough question. “Do you think that Trump would have actually bombed Iran and started war with Iran if it wasn’t for the influence of Israel?” And he said, “I really do.” I’m like, “Really?”

MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: You really think so? Why? Like, what makes you think that?

ARI SHAFFIR: We’ll give you an honest answer either way.

JOE ROGAN: And if you listen to Scott Horton, you know, Scott Horton is an awesome guy on all things war, anti-war.

MARK NORMAND: And here’s a who.

JOE ROGAN: And that’s what I was going with. He explained to me in great detail how difficult it is to turn enriched uranium into an actual nuclear bomb. And he’s like, they were nowhere near able to do that. And Israel has wanted us to bomb Iran forever. They’ve been going to the UN with cartoon bombs saying they’re at 62%, they’re about to get to 80%. They’ve been doing this forever, trying to convince the United States, and only Trump took the bait.

MARK NORMAND: But didn’t Hillary want to do it? No, they just kept kicking it down the road.

JOE ROGAN: They did. The thing is, they did think about it for sure. They didn’t do it though. Trump did.

MARK NORMAND: Look at that.

JOE ROGAN: They all thought about it and were like, “This is not the smart thing to do.” And they— look, they fucking ruined Libya, right? They did a lot of weird shit that they shouldn’t have done. Yeah, but they didn’t do that one.

ARI SHAFFIR: Spread Syria. Everybody tried Syria.

JOE ROGAN: The Iran thing’s a big one because it’s like, okay, now what? Because now we are the Great Satan.

MARK NORMAND: Now he’s sneaking out in a fucking catering cart.

ARI SHAFFIR: I heard that Iran thing was to get back at China.

JOE ROGAN: How crazy was that? I heard that too.

MARK NORMAND: The card of the deal.

JOE ROGAN: They— I saw you on Twitter though.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, you already tweeted that? Yeah, he tweeted that the motherfucker material an hour ago.

JOE ROGAN: It was solid, fresh in his mind. He’s happy with it. Uh, but not only that, they snuck him out on another jet and they put the reporters on Air Force One. That’s wild.

SHANE GILLIS: Wonderful.

JOE ROGAN: That’s wild because if that thing blew up in the sky, that would be fucking wild.

ARI SHAFFIR: I would love to see those reporters like, “I finally— Trump’s a pretty good guy. Is this free PJ?”

MARK NORMAND: Awesome.

JOE ROGAN: Eating cheese.

MARK NORMAND: Maybe I was wrong.

JOE ROGAN: Those cheese with the toothpicks. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, they’re sitting there like, “Normally he comes out of that back room and makes fun of us by now.”

JOE ROGAN: PJs are the greatest thing about being rich. “Quiet, piggy.”

SHANE GILLIS: Comes out and calls one of us a fat bitch and then goes back inside.

JOE ROGAN: “Quiet, piggy.”

SHANE GILLIS: “Quiet, piggy” was one of the greatest fucking things the president’s ever said.

ARI SHAFFIR: I heard one that it wasn’t— ended up being real. But it made me laugh so hard when he told Elon Musk to go back to Africa.

JOE ROGAN: No, it turned out not to be real, but I’m like, damn, that’s funny.

MARK NORMAND: That’s fun.

JOE ROGAN: Him and Elon are close again, which is so weird.

MARK NORMAND: I think when you’re on your second term, you’re like, “Ah, fuck it, let’s let it ride.”

JOE ROGAN: Let’s say anything.

SHANE GILLIS: I don’t know, as much money as he can.

JOE ROGAN: And there’s a lot of that.

SHANE GILLIS: But he’s also— how old is he?

JOE ROGAN: Why?

MARK NORMAND: 84.

ARI SHAFFIR: What happened? 83.

JOE ROGAN: Where you’re like, “I need to do all this because he’s got to protect himself legally.” And so let’s imagine he stays alive for the next 10 years. Just think about what they did to him with the Russia, Russia, Russia bullshit, and then with the real estate bullshit.

SHANE GILLIS: They gave him real stuff.

JOE ROGAN: Well, here’s the thing though, he needs real money. You need real money to fight that stuff. Like, the amount of money that he spent in legal fees for the Manhattan real estate thing, or the Palm Beach real estate thing, the Mar-a-Lago, when they said that Mar-a-Lago is worth $18 million.

MARK NORMAND: Sure, right.

JOE ROGAN: Mar-a-Lago is worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

ARI SHAFFIR: On it?

JOE ROGAN: No, it’s like they tried to get him for real estate fraud. They tried to get— that was that lady, what the fuck’s her name, Letitia James. So they’re going after him using all these lawsuits that are frivolous. They don’t make any sense. So by doing that and trying to bankrupt him, or at least trying to put him in jail, he realizes that, okay, I need a ton of money to protect myself.

SHANE GILLIS: Now he’s actually doing things that are gonna get him trouble.

JOE ROGAN: Okay, so what’s gonna get him in trouble? So here’s the question. The thing about the crypto is it’s shady as fuck, but it’s legal. I don’t know.

SHANE GILLIS: Yep.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t know if it should be. I don’t know what the deal is. I mean, I don’t understand crypto really. I’ve had a bunch of people try to get me into crypto.

SHANE GILLIS: I understand one thing.

ARI SHAFFIR: Didn’t Hawk Tuah get in trouble for this?

JOE ROGAN: She did, but it wasn’t her fault. Hawk Tuah, that poor lady, she got roped into something in a pump and dump, and she’s not sophisticated.

SHANE GILLIS: And pumped up.

MARK NORMAND: Spit on it.

JOE ROGAN: She’s a young lady, and I guarantee you, by hearing her talking about spitting on cocks, she hasn’t spent a lot of time in economics class.

MARK NORMAND: Trickle down.

JOE ROGAN: So she probably got talked into it by a bunch of slick people. Look, she’s fucking like 21 years old. She was never famous at all. She has one little tiny video where she says she’s gotta spit on that thing, and then everybody loves her, and she’s trying to make money. And then someone comes along and says, “Hey, we’re going to make this coin, it’s totally legal.”

SHANE GILLIS: Who do you think came along?

JOE ROGAN: I don’t know, somebody came.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m not even testing.

JOE ROGAN: Donald Trump reported more than $1.4 billion in crypto-related income from 2025, the first year of his second term, according to his federal financial disclosure. That’s a lot of money for a year.

SHANE GILLIS: Pump and dump on his own people. He did.

JOE ROGAN: So ridiculous. Well, I don’t know if he did. This is my question.

SHANE GILLIS: Definitely did, dude. Trump Coin’s not making—

JOE ROGAN: I understand. But this is my question. Who’s really investing in Trump Coin? And is it—

SHANE GILLIS: Me and my dad.

JOE ROGAN: But is it in fact a way to pay someone? Let me say this, because I don’t know who’s buying it. I’m just guessing. But let’s just make up a fake scenario where I talk you into making a Gillis Coin. Okay? And I say, “Listen, dude, dude, dude, listen to this. We’re gonna make a Gillis Coin, and I am going to personally— because you did something for me and I can’t pay you because that’s illegal for this thing. So what we’re gonna do is, instead of you hooking me up with deals and making sure the regulations get killed, instead what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna put a billion dollars into this fucking Trump coin— or into this Gillis coin, excuse me— and then we’re gonna have a bunch of other people throw a little bit of money in there, but the whole valuation is gonna be very high.”

MARK NORMAND: High.

JOE ROGAN: So there’s going to be a few morons that are like gamblers that want to get in and try to sell, which definitely people do.

ARI SHAFFIR: I think that’s what it is. I think it’s influencers doing that.

JOE ROGAN: There’s a lot of that. There’s a lot of gamblers. But there’s also— it’s a sneaky way to pay somebody off, right?

ARI SHAFFIR: If I invest— you raise the money by making it hyper—

JOE ROGAN: Shaffir Coin. We make Shaffir Coin. I tell you it’s not in England. So if I tell you—

ARI SHAFFIR: I won’t get him a dollar in improv.

JOE ROGAN: If somehow or another we did something shady and I owed you some— and I’m like, “Look, I can’t just give you money, but this is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna start a coin, and then I am going to finance your coin. So I’m gonna pour a bunch of money in your coin as an anonymous investor in an overseas account. I’m gonna dump a shitload of money into this coin, and then we’re gonna hype it up. We’re gonna get a bunch of other people involved, and then we’re gonna pull some money out of it for you, and then you sell.”

MARK NORMAND: And then— but that’s all—

ARI SHAFFIR: I think that’s all they’re really doing right now.

MARK NORMAND: They get—

JOE ROGAN: There’s some—

ARI SHAFFIR: It gets some like influencer to go in, it raises up and they sell off little bits at a time.

JOE ROGAN: It’s corrupt musical chairs. It’s like, you know when you’re gonna stop the music.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah. What about the insider trading?

JOE ROGAN: Well, there’s that. That’s the other thing. I mean, uh, DeRosa was here yesterday. DeRosa was talking about how when he worked for the Senate and he was saying like these fucking people—

MARK NORMAND: Wait, what the fuck?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, yeah, DeRosa worked for the Senate.

ARI SHAFFIR: Joseph?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, he did. And he was involved in that. What did he say, Jamie? He was involved in something in the media.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, yeah, it made him look at KFC.

JOE ROGAN: Some media department, some part of it. But the point is, he was saying, this is crazy. We see these people and they’re getting like $150,000 a year, but that’s a tiny percentage of what they’re making. All these donations that they’re getting, all these deals they’re doing, and they’re doing baseball to get around the salary cap or whatever.

MARK NORMAND: Hey, Moneyball.

ARI SHAFFIR: They’re just like, “We’ll give you a job.”

SHANE GILLIS: What?

JOE ROGAN: I hate the Dodgers.

MARK NORMAND: They’re slipping, huh?

SHANE GILLIS: No, they are losing right now.

MARK NORMAND: That’s what I’m saying. SHANE GILLIS: They’re just the best team ever and they bought all the players.

MARK NORMAND: That Asian cat, Ohtani, he’s a tall—

JOE ROGAN: Is he the best ever?

ARI SHAFFIR: Ohtani?

MARK NORMAND: Probably numbers-wise.

SHANE GILLIS: You could argue that, but the last few years, yes, he could be if he keeps doing what he’s doing.

ARI SHAFFIR: In the last few years, he’s been the best.

JOE ROGAN: I see Wade Boggs on— he was fishing with his shirt off, fucking jacked. He’s like 100 years old.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, he looks amazing.

JOE ROGAN: He looks great. And then he beat cancer.

ARI SHAFFIR: Really?

MARK NORMAND: He beat cancer and his wife.

ARI SHAFFIR: He won the World Series and he got on a police horse.

JOE ROGAN: Well, when I was living in Boston, he was going through that whole cheating scandal. Like, he had a little floozy on the side and it all went public.

MARK NORMAND: Look at him.

ARI SHAFFIR: What?

JOE ROGAN: Show the full picture though. There’s a better version of that picture where you see his arms and everything as well.

MARK NORMAND: There it is. Look at that, bro. He’s living. It’s like The Expendables, bro.

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s fucking bugged. Yankee great.

JOE ROGAN: He’s Chuck Norris, right?

ARI SHAFFIR: Fuck you, Yankee great.

JOE ROGAN: Look how great he looks.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s—

JOE ROGAN: First of all, look how lean he is. Fucking dude is in shape.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like Kumail Nanjiani.

MARK NORMAND: He’s got the appendix scar too.

JOE ROGAN: How much better would the world be if we got all those progressive dorks to get on the Kumail Nanjiani diet? All of them. All those dorks that are dangerous talking about how their friends have trans friends. Like, stop. Your kids are 9. They don’t have trans friends.

ARI SHAFFIR: Give me a key.

SHANE GILLIS: Could you hand me these?

JOE ROGAN: You know, your 9-year-old kids don’t have trans friends. Here, you need testosterone and start doing some deadlifts, and you’ll be like, “Yeah, this is crazy.”

MARK NORMAND: And now he’s a Marvel— Kumail’s a cool guy.

JOE ROGAN: I like him a lot. Yeah, he’s a very nice guy.

MARK NORMAND: Very good.

JOE ROGAN: I’ve only had a few interactions with him, but they’ve been very nice. He’s a very nice guy, and I like the fact that he got jacked.

MARK NORMAND: Jacked, fuck you. A Marvel hero. Fuck you.

JOE ROGAN: This idea that you can’t be funny, be jacked, suck it. Suck it. Shut your fucking dirty stinky hole. You know nothing. There’s no rules. There’s no fucking rules.

MARK NORMAND: Cardigans on stage, you got to cover up.

JOE ROGAN: Well, it’s just distracting. Fucking shiteness.

MARK NORMAND: It’s funny. Girls go the other way.

SHANE GILLIS: Girls are like, “You’re kicking your ass,” but it doesn’t work.

JOE ROGAN: I remember we were walking. Who’s kicking my ass?

SHANE GILLIS: Voodoo, right? Rangers.

JOE ROGAN: The new Rangers?

SHANE GILLIS: Your drinks.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, they are. They get me lit.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a good name for you, the Voodoo Ranger.

JOE ROGAN: Uh, me and Fitzsimmons walked into The Comedy Store one night and there was this lady on stage that had a short leather mini skirt, high heels, great legs, big tits. Like, what’s his mom doing there? And she was on stage and she was talking and I just turned— when we walked in, I turned to him instantly. I go, “What are the odds she’s funny?” And he goes, “One in a billion.” I go, “Zero. There’s zero percent. There’s no chance. There’s not a chance in hell that this young lady who’s that hot is funny. It’s not possible.”

MARK NORMAND: I think Judy Gold’s hilarious. Boy, imagine her in a skirt.

ARI SHAFFIR: Woo!

MARK NORMAND: See that labia hanging?

JOE ROGAN: Jesus.

MARK NORMAND: Sorry, Judy. Got that. Got that.

SHANE GILLIS: Sorry, Judy. Yeah, good choice.

JOE ROGAN: You didn’t deserve that.

SHANE GILLIS: She’d be getting kicked out of bathrooms. They’d go, “Sir, get the fuck out of here.”

MARK NORMAND: WBA court. Got it, J-Mo. Time the note, note the time. Got it.

SHANE GILLIS: And we’re back. We were joking around.

MARK NORMAND: And cut it like Perez Hilton.

SHANE GILLIS: Cut it again.

JOE ROGAN: We’re back. Tim Dillon thinks it’s fake.

SHANE GILLIS: What’s that? I thought it was fake.

JOE ROGAN: He thinks some of the cuts are fake. He thinks he was like someone who’s covered himself with paint or something.

MARK NORMAND: That’s exactly what I just said.

JOE ROGAN: You really think that?

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I watched it.

MARK NORMAND: He knows the game.

SHANE GILLIS: Like rubbing a knife against him.

MARK NORMAND: Pull it up.

SHANE GILLIS: And there’s no cut when he does it.

JOE ROGAN: I thought this— I thought the report said he was hospitalized with serious injuries, and I thought there was drugs involved.

MARK NORMAND: Brain damage, like ODing kind of stuff, probably.

JOE ROGAN: Well, he said he wanted the cops to shoot him for real. Like, listen, again, I didn’t watch it, but I was listening to her.

MARK NORMAND: 2.

JOE ROGAN: 2.

ARI SHAFFIR: Won’t let me piss on the fucking studio anymore. What? What?

JOE ROGAN: What the fuck did he just say? This is what we were talking about on the phone yesterday.

MARK NORMAND: This is why England lost.

JOE ROGAN: Mumbles, and you’re like, “What are you talking about? I don’t know what you just said.” You have so much energy. You could translate.

MARK NORMAND: You won’t let me piss in the studio anymore. Oh, there you go.

SHANE GILLIS: You should move to the north. That’s right, in England.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you can piss anywhere.

SHANE GILLIS: Piss in the corner.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, piss in your own apartment on the floor. No one cares, man.

MARK NORMAND: I did my tour in Wales. I got heckled by those guys. You don’t know what the fuck they’re saying.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, the whole crowd laughs.

JOE ROGAN: You’re like, damn.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, must have been a good one, right?

JOE ROGAN: What’s that, sir?

MARK NORMAND: Oh man, I did Glasgow though. Those heckles are wild.

JOE ROGAN: I did Dublin and I did Belfast back in the day. Belfast was the craziest. Like, you don’t understand a word they’re saying.

ARI SHAFFIR: Nothing.

JOE ROGAN: Don’t say a word.

SHANE GILLIS: Scotland, I couldn’t understand a word.

JOE ROGAN: I was drunk at a bar. I went to a bar and me and this one dude, I never— I just met this guy at a bar. We just started throwing down and 4 or 5 drinks in, he’s just like, “I’ll fight any man.” Fucking whoever it is. “I’ll fight any man.” I’m like, “I believe you.”

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I believe you.

SHANE GILLIS: I love it. He’s not saying he’s gonna win. He’s just like, “I’ll fucking do it.”

JOE ROGAN: “I’ll fight any man.” He wanted me to know. He wanted me to know that he’ll— I’m like, “I believe those are the best. Let’s have another drink.”

SHANE GILLIS: They are literally the best bros of all time.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, they’re fun.

MARK NORMAND: Remember, I grew up with guys like that who—

JOE ROGAN: It was a good time.

MARK NORMAND: You were glad they were on your side because they were just totally insane.

JOE ROGAN: I miss those days where I could just go to a bar and just pull up and just get lit.

MARK NORMAND: It was— oh yeah, you can’t do that.

JOE ROGAN: It’s too hard. It’s too, too many people come over. Back then. So this is like 2007 or some shit. There’s no cameras.

MARK NORMAND: There’s no phones.

JOE ROGAN: Nobody— there’s no iPhone yet. Yeah, so it’s like people were just hanging out.

MARK NORMAND: Cameras have ruined young people. Phones can’t cut loose.

JOE ROGAN: Ruined everything in terms of people’s connection with each other.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, that too. 100%.

ARI SHAFFIR: Every— spying on each other.

JOE ROGAN: The old phones, that was as far as we should have gone. A flip phone that you could text on, and the texting sucked.

MARK NORMAND: And then we know it’s bad and we still can’t stop.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, we can’t stop.

MARK NORMAND: It’s got too much good shit on it.

JOE ROGAN: But I pulled back considerably, like I was saying, over the last 3 months. Just decided enough is enough. I’m like, I don’t like how I feel when I just scroll through doom.

ARI SHAFFIR: You get off for an hour, sometimes you’re just like, what the fuck?

MARK NORMAND: I know, you’re bummed out.

SHANE GILLIS: I got like, you know, I can’t look at it anymore.

JOE ROGAN: Like, I can’t, because it’s a lot about you.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s just negative.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, all negative.

ARI SHAFFIR: Everything’s negative.

SHANE GILLIS: So it’s not like I’m making a disciplined choice to be like, “I don’t want to look at this anymore.” Like, I haven’t looked at Reddit in forever, right?

MARK NORMAND: Years.

SHANE GILLIS: I can’t look at Twitter anymore.

ARI SHAFFIR: They’ll show you a picture of nature and they go, “Well, not everyone can afford to get there.”

JOE ROGAN: And you’re like, oh, everything.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: But yeah, it genuinely makes me feel bad. So it’s like I can’t even— like, I mean, of course I can, but I don’t want to click on it anymore.

JOE ROGAN: You don’t want to live in their world. You don’t want to be in their head, and they don’t want to either. And the only way for them now is to not do that. And if they keep doing it and keep living in that fucking same swamp of ideas, they’re never going to change.

SHANE GILLIS: But my dad just got on the Instagram Reels, which is very fun. He’s sending us fucking AI dog videos, like dogs driving cars.

MARK NORMAND: Okay, that’s positive.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh no, it’s great. And it’s a nice thing for me and him. Like, I’ll send him Instagram Reels of Larry Bird highlights. Yeah, I sent him like some white safeties from the ’90s, right? And guys like John Lynch highlight videos.

ARI SHAFFIR: Steve Larson.

SHANE GILLIS: Speaking of J-Mo, toss up a little John Lynch highlight video for the boys, dude.

MARK NORMAND: That’s the best way. I fucking love it. It’s the best way for guys to connect is like, here’s a funny meme, here’s a video, because we got nothing to say.

JOE ROGAN: Hey, I’m gonna tell you guys something. We have to edit this out, okay? Because no one can know yet.

ARI SHAFFIR: Pause. No, no, no.

JOE ROGAN: Yes, but by the way, I’m glad we didn’t do that. Oh, we’re back. I’m glad we didn’t. We were talking about doing one with Hunter Biden, but now everybody’s doing it with them. Tucker just did it, and then they did Chris Williamson, Duncan Trussell, Matt McCusker, and Biden.

ARI SHAFFIR: Everyone get the idea?

JOE ROGAN: They kind of did.

SHANE GILLIS: They still are protective.

MARK NORMAND: Fucking Williamson. They kind of did.

SHANE GILLIS: They’re trying, they’re trying.

MARK NORMAND: That limey.

SHANE GILLIS: We wish you the best.

MARK NORMAND: Good luck. Good luck. Oh, you didn’t do it?

JOE ROGAN: Highlights.

SHANE GILLIS: Hey, look at that, Joe. You’re gonna like this. John Lynch laying the hammer. Oh, pick. Let’s go. 4-7.

MARK NORMAND: Boom. Let’s go.

SHANE GILLIS: Get the fuck out of— what kind of—

ARI SHAFFIR: You gotta do a season on the sidelines.

JOE ROGAN: You know what you should do? You know how I do a fight companion for fights? You should do a game companion. Oh, it would be fucking giant.

SHANE GILLIS: I couldn’t do Notre Dame. One of the characters was dead silent the entire game, right?

ARI SHAFFIR: Okay, you see that guy? What about NFL? Phillies game?

JOE ROGAN: What about NFL?

SHANE GILLIS: I could do the Eagles. I could have a little more fun with the Eagles, dude.

JOE ROGAN: You know how fun that would be?

MARK NORMAND: You, McCusker, football players. Jalen Hurts. Get him in there.

JOE ROGAN: Get a football player in.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

JOE ROGAN: But get Taylor. Get Taylor.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Or Will. Yeah. Both of them together.

MARK NORMAND: That would blow up.

JOE ROGAN: How about that? You, McCusker, Taylor, and Will.

SHANE GILLIS: Let us use your studio.

JOE ROGAN: Do you know what I’m saying?

SHANE GILLIS: Let’s do it together.

JOE ROGAN: 100%.

MARK NORMAND: Lock it in.

ARI SHAFFIR: There it is.

SHANE GILLIS: 100%.

JOE ROGAN: Jamie’s like, what the fuck?

SHANE GILLIS: J-Mo will be involved.

JOE ROGAN: Bro, it would be a great idea.

ARI SHAFFIR: Sundays.

MARK NORMAND: I wouldn’t mind a football at all.

ARI SHAFFIR: Occasional Thursday.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, we can get a couple brewskis in here, watch the—

JOE ROGAN: Dude, a football companion would be sick with you guys. That would be literally sick. You could totally use this place.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’ll be 12 here, bro.

JOE ROGAN: That would be so sick and people would love it.

SHANE GILLIS: Adam will come out with me on Sundays when I’m in Austin and he doesn’t drink, so we’ll come out, we’ll watch the 1 o’clock game, I’ll get a buzz going.

MARK NORMAND: He would relapse.

SHANE GILLIS: All right, 4 PM.

JOE ROGAN: Spike is soda.

MARK NORMAND: He’s relapsed for less.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m drinking for the 4 PM. They go, “Fuck it, we’re already out here, we might as well stay for Sunday Night Football.” That’s the 8 PM game.

MARK NORMAND: There it is.

ARI SHAFFIR: I came for 3 hours, hangs out with me for 14 hours not drinking. That’s crazy.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m fucking devastated every Sunday.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I think that would be a killer move. We’ve done fight companions that got way more views than the actual UFC itself, and I think that— football?

SHANE GILLIS: No, but that’s what makes it good.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, well, Matt’s just funny as shit.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s funny. And he— you can ask him about football and he’ll answer earnestly. “Who do you think’s gonna win?” “I’ll be like, Jets.”

JOE ROGAN: It’s a great idea.

SHANE GILLIS: We would have to—

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, no, you do whatever you want.

JOE ROGAN: Totally great. It’s a great idea.

ARI SHAFFIR: Try one.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, definitely do it.

SHANE GILLIS: I couldn’t do college football.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I get it. I got you too invested.

SHANE GILLIS: Gonna be going to a lot of UT games. We got to get you to a Texas game this year. Oh yeah, Texas. Oh yeah, I’ve been to them. Texas, Ohio State.

JOE ROGAN: Dude, I went to 3 last year.

SHANE GILLIS: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Did you tailgate? They got a good tailgate here.

JOE ROGAN: This is the nighttime games. Only nighttime games are fun. Night games, bro. Nighttime games are lit. They get crazy. They’re fun.

MARK NORMAND: Any live event is fun. Any sporting event.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but there’s something about Texas and football where it’s like an institution.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, I went to the LSU games in college and it was like the college scene. It was insane.

JOE ROGAN: What do we got here? September 12th, 6:30, Ohio State versus Texas. Let’s go! That is only— no, that’s the weekend before. There’s a UFC in that 9/11 range.

MARK NORMAND: The Jets.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, it’s the weekend after. It’s the 18th and 19th. That’s in LA. There’s a UFC in LA.

MARK NORMAND: LA.

JOE ROGAN: If you guys want to take over the Comedy Store for a weekend—

MARK NORMAND: Oh shit, what day?

JOE ROGAN: 18th and 19th. The 19th is the UFC. The 18th, we could take over on Friday.

MARK NORMAND: Damn.

JOE ROGAN: What do you say, fellas? Let’s go. I know, but we still got to go see Kanye. That’s the big Kanye.

SHANE GILLIS: September 4th.

JOE ROGAN: Does he have any other shows announced?

SHANE GILLIS: I’m not sure. The 3rd and 4th in Chicago.

MARK NORMAND: Is he gonna let you sing a song like Zach Bryan?

SHANE GILLIS: I’m gonna stand on the top of the globe and do stand-up. Before he comes out, I’m gonna do one bit.

JOE ROGAN: I got a question. What are the ancient Jews that had the box on the head?

SHANE GILLIS: Not ancient, it’s all around.

JOE ROGAN: They still wear the box?

ARI SHAFFIR: They got that in Brooklyn.

JOE ROGAN: Okay, what’s the box?

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s got a GPS in there so you could plan out where the fucking beepers are.

SHANE GILLIS: Florida is gonna be nuts.

MARK NORMAND: Jakarta. Almaty. Holy shit.

SHANE GILLIS: Where’s that?

JOE ROGAN: Where’s Almaty? What is that? New Orleans. New Orleans would be fun.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wait, where’s New Orleans? Where’s New Orleans?

MARK NORMAND: What? Yeah, where’s New Orleans? Kazakhstan.

JOE ROGAN: Kazakhstan. Kazakhstan.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s just doing that.

JOE ROGAN: Kazakhstan. That’s crazy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Let’s go to Kazakhstan.

JOE ROGAN: He’s doing a stadium in Kazakhstan.

MARK NORMAND: 2 days.

JOE ROGAN: Hey, Superdome in New Orleans would be fun.

MARK NORMAND: That’s fun.

JOE ROGAN: Or we could just go to Jakarta and get killed.

ARI SHAFFIR: Let’s go to Jakarta.

SHANE GILLIS: September 4th.

JOE ROGAN: September 4th’s the move. Or 3rd. 3rd or 4th is the move.

SHANE GILLIS: I don’t know if I still have it in me, boys.

JOE ROGAN: What are you talking about, dude?

SHANE GILLIS: I don’t even know if I can bong a beer these days.

ARI SHAFFIR: America.

MARK NORMAND: You got it.

JOE ROGAN: What changed?

SHANE GILLIS: I’m just gay now.

MARK NORMAND: Do it for America. Fuck England.

JOE ROGAN: America, fuck yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I still got it.

JOE ROGAN: Chicago is only about—

SHANE GILLIS: Doesn’t go away.

JOE ROGAN: How many hours is Chicago from here by plane? Hour and a half? 2?

ARI SHAFFIR: Central.

JOE ROGAN: So we could conceivably do a podcast on that Thursday the 3rd and fly straight to Chicago on the plane. Do a podcast on the plane.

ARI SHAFFIR: Nice.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah, why not?

ARI SHAFFIR: Nice.

MARK NORMAND: Are you cool with Kanye? Could do before and after.

ARI SHAFFIR: We met.

MARK NORMAND: What? When?

SHANE GILLIS: In LA?

ARI SHAFFIR: In the—

JOE ROGAN: Yeah. Will you please show up with a yarmulke?

MARK NORMAND: Oh, get the box.

JOE ROGAN: Tell me about the box.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, what’s going on with that box?

JOE ROGAN: What’s in the box? What’s in the box?

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s got some prayers in there. Ain’t a big deal.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s got prayers.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s got some codes.

SHANE GILLIS: No, really, what is actually in the box? Are you not allowed to tell the—

JOE ROGAN: I think it’s biblical scripture.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, it’s scripture. It’s like Shema Yisrael.

JOE ROGAN: The bigger the box, the more scripture you got in there, the more pious you are. No, no, no, that’s what it is. You got a fat box, you know? Look at that guy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, no, those cost like $15 grand, dude.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s tight, obviously.

JOE ROGAN: You know what’s weird? You ever seen those ancient Chinese sculptures that show a guy with a box on his head that looks like he’s got a giant nose? Have you seen those?

MARK NORMAND: No. What? No.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, you’re saying Jews visited China?

JOE ROGAN: I believe so. Wow. Um, there’s an ancient Chinese sculpture.

ARI SHAFFIR: We got there early to get our Chinese food.

JOE ROGAN: See if you can find those, Jamie. There’s Chinese sculptures of dudes that have boxes on their head, and then people have looked at them and went, “Hey, look at that.” Hey, no, that’s not the one.

MARK NORMAND: No way.

ARI SHAFFIR: No way.

JOE ROGAN: That’s not what I was talking about, Jamie.

MARK NORMAND: I got the horns.

JOE ROGAN: There’s some way better ones.

MARK NORMAND: What the hell box he’s talking about?

JOE ROGAN: There’s other ones that look way more normal.

SHANE GILLIS: Joe, I think you got hit with Jewish AI.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Oh my God, that’s so funny. I’m telling you, I saw one with the box on the head. The guy had the box. What’s in the box?

SHANE GILLIS: But it’s just prayers. It’s just prayers curled up.

JOE ROGAN: No, what a great idea.

MARK NORMAND: Come on, what is it, foreskins?

JOE ROGAN: How much would people mock the— Lost World Christians if they carried a Bible on their head like a fucking chin strap.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, yeah, Chris got some of that Pope hat. It’s nothing to sneeze at.

JOE ROGAN: Pope hat’s nuts.

ARI SHAFFIR: Insensitive.

JOE ROGAN: The thing is, people have to wear a crazy wizard’s costume to get you to convince that they’re different than you, bro.

SHANE GILLIS: If you go to the dude’s cool-ass outfit— Pope has cool—

ARI SHAFFIR: If you go to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, no, Pope has cool outfits.

MARK NORMAND: And he’s got a car, and he’s got a sick car. He’s got a mobile.

SHANE GILLIS: Popemobile.

JOE ROGAN: This new guy doesn’t use the Popemobile though.

ARI SHAFFIR: What?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, this new guy is like the egalitarian Pope. He’s like a different kind of Pope.

ARI SHAFFIR: So he’s sitting storage?

JOE ROGAN: He got rid of the throne, got a regular seat. He likes the gays.

MARK NORMAND: He likes the gays.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh yeah, what an old lady hat.

JOE ROGAN: That was like Bishop Don Juan type shit.

SHANE GILLIS: The drip’s severe, dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s a weird one.

JOE ROGAN: Whoa, that shit’s awesome, bro. Look at that hat.

MARK NORMAND: That’s crazy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wow.

JOE ROGAN: Hold on, the staff—

ARI SHAFFIR: Tough to drive with that.

JOE ROGAN: But you imagine any other job. Imagine if that guy was the CEO of UnitedHealthcare. Why do you dress like that? Any other job where you dress like that, people would think you’re a fucking idiot.

ARI SHAFFIR: Why’s he got the yarmulke?

SHANE GILLIS: Jesus didn’t found—

JOE ROGAN: That’s, uh, when? Uh, where?

ARI SHAFFIR: Bottom right. Bottom right.

JOE ROGAN: Because he had to visit the Holy Land.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a big yarmulke.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t think that’s a real yarmulke. I think that’s like a Pope cap.

SHANE GILLIS: The boys always wear that.

JOE ROGAN: It’s different.

MARK NORMAND: It’s cold in there.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, it’s the same.

JOE ROGAN: No, it’s not.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, he’s got a Sox hat on.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s covering his whole—

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah, he’s a Chicago guy.

JOE ROGAN: It’s covering the whole head, bro.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s on the White Sox.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, look at that. White Sox.

SHANE GILLIS: They did Pope Night the other night and everybody got one of the Pope hats.

MARK NORMAND: That’s hilarious.

SHANE GILLIS: And then they had a nice moment.

ARI SHAFFIR: Tommy Pope hat. Tommy’s like, “For me? I barely even been to Chicago.”

JOE ROGAN: It is weird that we let them dress like that. I mean, this is fucking insane.

MARK NORMAND: They have to.

JOE ROGAN: But there’s no other job where you’re allowed to dress like that.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah. Look at that guy.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, that’s nice.

JOE ROGAN: That’s a crazy outfit.

SHANE GILLIS: Toss those out for the White Sox fans. Then they had a “Peace be with you” with the entire crowd from Catholics. Everybody shook each other’s hands.

MARK NORMAND: I love when they do that.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s nice.

JOE ROGAN: Have me and Duncan ever dressed like popes?

ARI SHAFFIR: Duncan did.

MARK NORMAND: That’s sacrilegious.

JOE ROGAN: We’ve dressed like priests, right? We did priests.

MARK NORMAND: Uh-oh.

JOE ROGAN: Every time we do a podcast, Duncan and I, we wear different outfits. The most difficult was furries.

MARK NORMAND: You did a furry?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you wear the helmet and you’re like, respect to the furries. Yeah, because this fucking thing is tough to wear.

MARK NORMAND: Let’s see the furries.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, we’ve been—

ARI SHAFFIR: You dress like Green Man?

JOE ROGAN: Oh, we dress like everything. We dress like Tesla robots. Holy— that was one.

SHANE GILLIS: Look at that.

JOE ROGAN: We dress like demons.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, if you go back through the catalog, that’s great. That was Halloween with Elon. Me and Elon did a podcast and I dressed like that guy, the Joe Rogan guy.

SHANE GILLIS: Puerto Rican.

JOE ROGAN: I would have thought that was me if I didn’t know that was me.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s my favorite one because I think that’s the one you guys were being quoted on CNN with a bunch of candles. No, no, no, no, no.

JOE ROGAN: The one we were quoted on CNN, we were literally dressed like clowns. We’re actually clowns.

MARK NORMAND: When they cut to you after they set it up, I was like, “Guys, what’s the black? Is that an ICE agent? What is that black?” Uh, yeah, the black.

JOE ROGAN: No, that’s a Tesla robot. We dress like a Tesla robot. Yeah, that’s great. We bought those online. Shout out to Amazon. We’ve been elves. That was one. He’s to the left of that. See, Duncan dressed like an elf, to the left. After that.

MARK NORMAND: He’s cute.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, that one we wore plague masks.

ARI SHAFFIR: Jesus, that’s fun.

JOE ROGAN: We’ve done everything.

MARK NORMAND: Wait, let me see that.

JOE ROGAN: Duncan wore a ghillie suit once. How about the one where it’s me with the eyeballs lit? That was sick.

MARK NORMAND: That’s terrifying.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, that was a Halloween episode.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s it. You would win Halloween. You could go out anonymously.

JOE ROGAN: Not now anymore, but they’re pretty sick. But we couldn’t keep those on for very long, dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: We went— me and Sal went one year on Halloween to the New York parade, like 15 of us dressed in the same Batman outfit. And then every time we saw a Joker, we’d all surround him and start chest pumping him. It was so sick. We just kept going to people like, “Where is she?”

SHANE GILLIS: It was so much fun.

JOE ROGAN: So fun to be a dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah. And the belt works. We put liquor bottles, like airplane bottles in there.

MARK NORMAND: Utility belt.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah. DeStefano was with us at some point. We had to rip up the bottom so he could piss through it on the street. It was so great.

MARK NORMAND: And you feel—

ARI SHAFFIR: He was there because you have no identity.

MARK NORMAND: Except for the beards.

JOE ROGAN: Well, that’s what the furries like. They like hiding who they are. They don’t like who they are, so they could just be free.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s fun.

JOE ROGAN: I get it. Wearing that mask for a little bit though, I genuinely— both Duncan and I both gained respect for the furries.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, but then they shoot the president. Nah, I don’t know if that guy was a furry.

JOE ROGAN: No, he loved a furry.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, he loved a furry.

JOE ROGAN: So yeah, but I’m not even sure if that’s true. The more time goes on, the more I’m leaning towards Candace Owens.

MARK NORMAND: What? Wait, whoa.

JOE ROGAN: She’s got some very interesting theories about— look at that.

ARI SHAFFIR: Hey, yeah, DeRosa was there.

JOE ROGAN: We were getting hammered.

ARI SHAFFIR: Those belts, look at—

SHANE GILLIS: They got the—

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, that’s great.

JOE ROGAN: That’s funny.

MARK NORMAND: That’s great.

Charlie Kirk and Conspiracy Theories

JOE ROGAN: I don’t think any story that you hear in the news is accurate. I think there’s always spin on it at least. There’s always some spin. But whatever the spin is about Tyler Robinson, there’s some bullshit to it. I don’t know how much of it is bullshit, but there’s some bullshit. And one of the more recent bullshits is they found a photo that they were saying was Tyler Robinson, but then people noticed that because he’s real thin, the cars in the background, the proportions were distorted. And then they realized that what they had done was taken a guy who’s much wider than Tyler Robinson and shrunken the perspective.

ARI SHAFFIR: Really?

MARK NORMAND: Yep, yep.

JOE ROGAN: And then when you see him for what he really looks like, you’re like, “Oh, there’s no way that’s that guy. That guy’s big.”

ARI SHAFFIR: And then you’re like, well, it’s mostly true.

JOE ROGAN: Like, no, no, no, no, no, they changed. Like, you look at the hood of the cars behind them, they’re all like that now.

ARI SHAFFIR: Who is that guy? What guy? Tyler Robinson.

JOE ROGAN: He was the guy who supposedly shot Charlie Kirk.

MARK NORMAND: Kirk? Yeah, not the president.

ARI SHAFFIR: It was in Guatemala when I heard about that. Wait, really? Yeah, people at some bar. Some guy’s like, “What do you think about Charlie Kirk?” I’m like, “I like his college videos, they were cool to begin with.” Yeah, yeah. And they were like, “He’s dead.”

MARK NORMAND: I’m like, what?

SHANE GILLIS: No, he’s— you gonna show it?

JOE ROGAN: The thing about that guy is he— furry show, Charlie Kirk. What?

SHANE GILLIS: What’d you just say?

MARK NORMAND: And Erika Kirk sucks. She’s a kook.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s funny. You didn’t get—

SHANE GILLIS: She loves sparklers.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, she does.

SHANE GILLIS: Wasn’t funny enough. I was like, “Yeah, fuck Ari.”

ARI SHAFFIR: You ever see Druski’s America Kirk?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I jerked off.

JOE ROGAN: I thought Erika was threatening him they were gonna sue him for that.

ARI SHAFFIR: I don’t know, it was funny.

MARK NORMAND: Which was the best thing that ever happened to him.

JOE ROGAN: When he came out, he starts doing cartwheels and shit with white face on.

MARK NORMAND: He’s killing it, that guy. Every video kills it. When he goes to NASCAR, unbelievable.

JOE ROGAN: Funny dude, funny dude. People that got upset with that, shut up.

MARK NORMAND: I know.

JOE ROGAN: You don’t think it’s weird the lady comes out, the sparklers behind her? You’re out of your fucking mind. MARK NORMAND: That’s insane.

JOE ROGAN: You don’t think someone can make fun of that?

SHANE GILLIS: She walks out like fucking Randy — Goldberg coming out.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, Undertaker.

ARI SHAFFIR: The Queen wore black for 80 years.

JOE ROGAN: Crazy.

MARK NORMAND: In interviews, she dresses like SEAL Team 6. She’s all blacked out with like a black hat and everything.

JOE ROGAN: Serious, bro.

MARK NORMAND: She’s serious.

SHANE GILLIS: Are fucking cool.

Bin Laden and War Stories

JOE ROGAN: She’s serious. There’s a lot of controversy in the Navy SEAL community as to who actually killed bin Laden. I’ve been down a rabbit hole this way.

MARK NORMAND: It’s not O’Neill.

JOE ROGAN: O’Neill says he did it. A lot of the guys that were connected to people that were on that mission say he was one of the people that shot bin Laden, but he probably shot a guy who was already dead. I don’t know if that’s true.

MARK NORMAND: I got his poster in my room.

JOE ROGAN: I’m sure they all put one in him. Look, if you were on the team and I had already shot him, you would run and shoot him too. “Fuck yeah, we all shot him.” And then I would say, “Yeah, we got him. We all shot, fought, shot together.”

ARI SHAFFIR: I’d let you in on it.

JOE ROGAN: I’ll let you get a little credit.

MARK NORMAND: You know what was cool? I watched the doc about bin Laden, and they found out it was him from his shadow. They measured his shadow because they knew he was 6’5. So they measured the shadow, and they knew it was him.

JOE ROGAN: I heard they knew where he was a long time before they attacked. Well, I heard they knew, from the inside people. They knew when to do it, and they had a strategic decision as to when to take him out.

ARI SHAFFIR: I like it. Not full invasion, just get like 6 fucking badass guys in there.

JOE ROGAN: I feel really naked without these sunglasses.

MARK NORMAND: He was throwing his kids in front of the firepower too. It’s crazy. Bin Laden throwing his wife and throwing women in front of him. Well, that’s— sure. And they just shot them all. Yeah. Fuck you.

SHANE GILLIS: Are you sure?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s what I’d say if I shot a bunch of women and children. “Fucking guy threw those kids at me.”

JOE ROGAN: Placed them there.

SHANE GILLIS: Fucking threw his kid at me.

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s coming right at us.

SHANE GILLIS: No, that was— Baghdadi did that. Yeah, he grabbed 2 kids and ran into a tunnel and then blew himself up.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Oh my god.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, they were D students.

JOE ROGAN: War is so crazy.

MARK NORMAND: Crazy. Good thing we’re not in one of those.

JOE ROGAN: When is that gonna end? When are we gonna stop doing that?

ARI SHAFFIR: Take some profit out of it, maybe.

JOE ROGAN: Trump posted today about the Strait of Hormuz is now owned by the United States.

MARK NORMAND: I’m not being antisemitic.

SHANE GILLIS: You said it.

JOE ROGAN: Trump posted today that the United States controls the Strait of Hormuz.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, he tweets that every fucking 2 days.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, is that the deal?

JOE ROGAN: You gotta be like, guys, what he’s tweeting is just distracting you.

MARK NORMAND: There’s a deal. We have a deal.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, but we all know this.

MARK NORMAND: We’re close to a deal.

SHANE GILLIS: Do it.

Trump Coin and Truth Social

JOE ROGAN: You imagine if you were a guy who had a coin, you had Gillis Coin, and every time you tweeted wild shit, Gillis Coin just went up?

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: You know what I mean? Isn’t he selling his Truth Social to people and then they can bet on it?

JOE ROGAN: What?

SHANE GILLIS: I think, yeah, you can bet on anything. Selling access.

MARK NORMAND: Selling access.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s selling faster access to his tweets and then you can bet on it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Bet on what?

SHANE GILLIS: On the markets. Because wait a minute, it’s literally insider trading.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s cashy. You can bet on everything you could fix.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, wait a minute.

JOE ROGAN: Is that real? You get access to a tweet before he makes it and then you could bet on that tweet? How’s that legal? We’ll see. Wait a minute, what is this? “Trump sued over Truth Social advance access sale.”

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m online in the Oval Office.

JOE ROGAN: Who’s telling him this is a good idea? I feel like I need to be closer to $100,000 contracts.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, it’s $100 grand. You can get his—

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Hey, you know how crazy that is? $100,000 to get early tweets.

ARI SHAFFIR: Hey, bet $200,000.

JOE ROGAN: That’s literally crazy.

SHANE GILLIS: You have so much when he tweets.

JOE ROGAN: Like, Truth Social’s parent company, Trump Media, announced in July it offers subscribers to Truth API who paid up to $100,000 each month— oh my God, not even just $100,000 a year, each month— for early access to market-moving posts from Trump and other people who use the platform.

ARI SHAFFIR: Market-moving.

JOE ROGAN: You imagine you charge $1.2 million a year? He’s just on a grab.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: And to get that, it’s just people who— but who profits off that?

JOE ROGAN: I just want to be in a meeting where they go, “I got an idea,” and everyone will see each other.

MARK NORMAND: It’s like, should we tell them?

SHANE GILLIS: No, they go, “Look, everyone needs $100 grand.” Fuck it.

JOE ROGAN: I bet it wasn’t even Trump. It was probably some weasel who works in the administration. He’s like, “Charge them $100 grand a month and you post things and they can move the market.”

MARK NORMAND: Yikes.

ARI SHAFFIR: Just another form of the same shit.

JOE ROGAN: Well, here’s the thing. Is it legal? Because it is available, but someone else wants to sign up for it. Legal? It doesn’t seem like it should be.

SHANE GILLIS: Obviously he operates in legal fucking gray land.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but this is the thing about the Trump coin. It’s not illegal. Coins are not illegal.

ARI SHAFFIR: What’s her name was like, “My husband’s investing.”

JOE ROGAN: It’s gay.

SHANE GILLIS: This is all gay. Yeah, yeah, you know, enough.

JOE ROGAN: It’s not good if you’re already wealthy.

SHANE GILLIS: I’ve had enough.

JOE ROGAN: If you’re already wealthy and you try making money, I’m sick of it. If you’re already wealthy and you try making money, is that a Tony Hinchcliffe?

SHANE GILLIS: No, that’s just me being gay.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh no, but it does sound like it.

MARK NORMAND: Unbelievable.

SHANE GILLIS: Unbelievable.

JOE ROGAN: But I think anybody could start a coin. I mean, we were talking about the fucking Hawk Tuah coin. We got hit up by like a bunch of different people, and people tried to get me to do ads for coins.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m like, “Hey, I’m still looking for actual coins.”

JOE ROGAN: So here’s a crazy one. Here’s the crazy one that went— I can talk about it now because it went away. There was a point in time where I was doing interviews with fighters after their fights, and they said, “I want to thank Marshall Rogan Coin.” And the coin was my dog’s face. It was literally almost like my logo. It said Marshall Rogan Coin, and it was Marshall, my dog. And I would interview these guys, and I was like, okay, if I call attention to this, what should I do here? My job when I’m interviewing fighters is just to interview fighters. It’s their big moment. They fucking worked their ass off to get here. They want to fight. I don’t want to inject myself in any way if it’s not necessary.

SHANE GILLIS: Like, what the fuck’s that?

ARI SHAFFIR: Also, you’re like, what?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, because a bunch of guys were like, “I want to thank Marshall Rogan Coin.” The UFC got hip to it and they put a kibosh on it. But I don’t know what these guys were doing, but I assume what they were doing was a pump and dump and they were paying the fighters. So the fighters were legitimately getting paid because every time they would win, they would talk about Marshall Rogan Coin, and then presumably some people that were interested in crypto would buy it.

MARK NORMAND: That’s no bueno.

JOE ROGAN: Had nothing to do with me. And here I am interviewing these guys going, this is a weird position to be in. Like, I don’t want to say anything. But eventually the UFC was like, “You have anything to do with that?”

ARI SHAFFIR: I went, “No,” because you’re standing there, so it seems like you’re part of it.

JOE ROGAN: 100%.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: But also, I don’t want to fuck up this guy’s moment and say, “Hey, I got nothing to do with Marshall Rogan Coin. I don’t give a fuck.” This guy just wants to fight. Let everybody else figure it out. But it was the weirdest thing in the world. Like, my dog, they’ll do anything coin, you know?

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: And I’m sure a lot of people probably thought I was involved. I had no idea it even happened until someone said Marshall Rogan Coin while I was interviewing him. Like, what?

SHANE GILLIS: I mean, I wonder what the fuck that was backed by.

JOE ROGAN: I found out in the octagon while I’m holding a microphone in front of a fighter’s face after he won, like, “Marshall Rogan Coin.” And I was like, “What the fuck are you just saying? My dog?”

MARK NORMAND: Oh boy, poor dog.

JOE ROGAN: My dog’s got fucking glasses on. Everybody’s asleep. He’s on the laptop. He’s on the phone trying to get some information.

SHANE GILLIS: My dad sends, right, fucking Instagram reel of a raccoon driving a car. And I’ll be like, “Go to bed, dude.” 12:30.

JOE ROGAN: That’s adorable, bro. Raccoons might be the cutest fucking animals of all time.

ARI SHAFFIR: The raccoon coin. That was a big coin.

JOE ROGAN: Was it?

ARI SHAFFIR: That raccoon coin.

SHANE GILLIS: I don’t want to talk about him.

JOE ROGAN: I was coming home the other day.

SHANE GILLIS: I want to talk about my dad using Instagram Reels. He’s moved on. The second the Phillies game ends, he’s on the Instagram Reels. Lights off in the house on a recliner by himself looking at it.

MARK NORMAND: Well, they’re endless.

SHANE GILLIS: My mom was on vacation for like 2 weeks. My dad got fucking wrecked for 2 weeks. The second she leaves the house, he dies. He’s calm. He’s like, “I just want you to know you’re a good guy.” I’ll be like, “I love you, Dad.” He’ll be like, “Yeah, all right.”

JOE ROGAN: Oh, that’s so funny.

MARK NORMAND: That’s great.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, he sits in the dark and looks at Reels. I’m like, “What are you doing right now?” He’s like, “I’m going to bed, bro.”

JOE ROGAN: If you’re an old dude and you’ve never experienced that, you went from no internet at all, zero internet ever, jump right into Instagram Reels now.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, like right to heroin.

JOE ROGAN: Loop me in with him and I’ll send him all the shit that Tom Segura sends me.

SHANE GILLIS: No, no, don’t send him.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, that’s just dark.

SHANE GILLIS: Don’t do that to Phil. I said we need to send nice stuff.

JOE ROGAN: I sent Segura some fucking rough ones today. Woo, I got him today. Oh yeah, every now and then he gets me, but I got him today. I got him with 2 brutal murders.

MARK NORMAND: Ah, you got him divorced.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, gotta send him divorce dude murder pictures because think about that money he’s gonna lose.

MARK NORMAND: By the way, AOC’s single, Tom. You better get on that.

JOE ROGAN: I heard about that.

MARK NORMAND: That’d be a fun couple.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: She likes the hockey.

JOE ROGAN: She’s single and freezing her eggs.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, really? He’s already got 2 kids.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, she made a video of her freezing her eggs. Nice. Getting in there with a needle and plugging them.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa.

ARI SHAFFIR: She made a video of it?

SHANE GILLIS: I don’t understand how any of that works either.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t get it.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Voodoo.

SHANE GILLIS: I don’t get it.

South Korea, Turnstile, and Rap Charts

ARI SHAFFIR: Did you see what the South Korean football team did?

MARK NORMAND: They have a football team?

ARI SHAFFIR: Soccer.

SHANE GILLIS: You’re such a bitch. You suck. You really do suck for that.

ARI SHAFFIR: They got all the—

MARK NORMAND: They suck. They got all the— they say split balls.

SHANE GILLIS: Do it again. Do it.

JOE ROGAN: You son of a bitch.

ARI SHAFFIR: You see where the South Koreans’ soccer—

MARK NORMAND: Thank you.

SHANE GILLIS: See what I did there? I learned and I moved on.

JOE ROGAN: You’re 89 years old.

ARI SHAFFIR: By the way, soccer’s a British term. They got all the refs laid. All the refs there. Yeah. Sexual services.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, good for them.

ARI SHAFFIR: They get them all laid so they’ll root for the South Korean team.

MARK NORMAND: That’s brilliant.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: It’s not cheating.

JOE ROGAN: Alleged that it spent thousands of dollars on sexual services for foreign referees. That’s it?

MARK NORMAND: That’s a steal.

JOE ROGAN: Thousands of dollars is a fucking bargain. Think about how much Korea— how much DraftKings money is in these games.

MARK NORMAND: South Korea seems like the shit. It’s so fun over there. Obviously above is terrifying.

JOE ROGAN: They made taekwondo, Samsung phones, Squid Game, Parasite. Oh, Squid Game’s awesome.

ARI SHAFFIR: Parasite was great.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, they’re having fun. K-pop. Yeah, yeah.

JOE ROGAN: However, they’re not going to— that’s true. They’re in a real situation.

MARK NORMAND: They’re in a pickle.

JOE ROGAN: They’re in one of the worst situations in terms of nationally, in terms of reproducing. Well, because they’re just busy, right? They’re insane. I grew up around Koreans.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, the Korean women are not into the dudes.

JOE ROGAN: Well, it’s not even just that. The work ethic over there is fucking insane.

MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I grew up with Koreans because I was doing taekwondo. When I was a kid, I was around Koreans all the time. You’ve never seen work ethic like Korean people.

ARI SHAFFIR: They’re the only ones that outdo us.

JOE ROGAN: It’s the reason why I feel lazy to this day. I was training with this kid who was going to medical school. He was going through his residency while he was on the national taekwondo team. So he won the US Nationals, he was competing internationally while he was going through his medical residency.

MARK NORMAND: Damn. Jesus.

SHANE GILLIS: He would just— the dude slept like an hour a night.

JOE ROGAN: It was crazy. Some of his training, he would put all the books that he needed to read in a backpack and just run the stairs at the university and then go back to the library.

ARI SHAFFIR: Damn.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I’ve never— he always looked tired. He always looked exhausted.

ARI SHAFFIR: Well, that’s just how they look.

JOE ROGAN: Fucking ferocious.

SHANE GILLIS: This guy couldn’t even open his fucking eyes.

MARK NORMAND: He was so tired.

JOE ROGAN: But they work so hard, man, and their parents force them. They don’t have any way out. There’s no like, “Man, take a year off and find yourself.” Fuck that. There’s none of that. That tiger mom shit, that’s real, you know.

MARK NORMAND: And they do the eye surgery over there.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s a little appropriate.

MARK NORMAND: They want to go round eye.

JOE ROGAN: They do a lot of that.

ARI SHAFFIR: Who was that music guy? Was he from South Korea?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, that shit’s amazing.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Talk about him pumping you up. Gangnam Style. Gangnam Style. Yeah, that guy’s incredible.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s so fun. I love that. We got Koreans.

JOE ROGAN: Hailed it.

SHANE GILLIS: John Lynch, raccoons.

MARK NORMAND: A comedian could never do that.

JOE ROGAN: When he’s in that enormous crowd and he comes flying out of the floor, that rules, dude.

SHANE GILLIS: Rules.

MARK NORMAND: We don’t have to play the music, but we got to see that stage jump.

ARI SHAFFIR: Dude, it’s so funny. We used to go to UFCs in Vegas and you check into the MGM, you’re like, “Why are there 1,000 Koreans here?” And there’d be some K-pop band that you’ve never heard of filling up the stage.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, every day they kill it.

SHANE GILLIS: So you’re saying they’re too busy?

MARK NORMAND: Here we go, here he comes.

SHANE GILLIS: Look at this guy, he was fucking.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, oh yeah, 100%. He fucked everybody.

MARK NORMAND: Just like a band leader.

JOE ROGAN: Whoa, look at them go crazy! Come on, look at them go crazy!

ARI SHAFFIR: Wow, I mean, this is worse— this is better than Turnstile.

JOE ROGAN: Wow, this is like a Serbian basketball game. This is wild.

ARI SHAFFIR: Definitely. Yeah, I mean, they’re pretty good. Turnstile rules—

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, look at the fucking air this guy catches. Look at the air he catches.

MARK NORMAND: Look at that. He’s dressed like a Dallas cheerleader.

JOE ROGAN: He is, from the ’80s. He’s got the fringe like Outlaw Josey Wales.

SHANE GILLIS: You want to get a Turnstile? I want to go on the way here.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, they rule.

SHANE GILLIS: Generator though. I’m more of an old, old Turnstile guy.

JOE ROGAN: What, Jamie?

MARK NORMAND: They’re over here trying to talk, trying to be cool.

SHANE GILLIS: I caught him trying to be cool.

ARI SHAFFIR: I caught him trying to be cool. You caught me being cool.

JOE ROGAN: No, no, you said football when you really meant soccer. That’s gay as fuck.

SHANE GILLIS: That was gay.

MARK NORMAND: It’s a newer band. That’s, uh, it’s not new.

JOE ROGAN: Well, what is Turnstile at all?

ARI SHAFFIR: Joe, it’s not new.

JOE ROGAN: Explain to me, please.

MARK NORMAND: Uh, hardcore band, kind of, you know.

JOE ROGAN: Oh nice, is it cumcore? Boys, did you find any cumcore?

MARK NORMAND: I stumbled down cum metal.

ARI SHAFFIR: No, no, I played a live show. Don’t play videos.

MARK NORMAND: Wasn’t that this had live?

JOE ROGAN: What am I looking at?

ARI SHAFFIR: What do you think now?

JOE ROGAN: I don’t understand what I’m seeing.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, nice. Kids are in bands again.

SHANE GILLIS: Video.

MARK NORMAND: Guys, this is.

JOE ROGAN: Let me hear this.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, this is great.

SHANE GILLIS: This is 12 years old.

MARK NORMAND: World is healing. Oh, it’s a year old. I thought this was like yesterday.

JOE ROGAN: The world is healing.

MARK NORMAND: Kids are doing bands. Rock is back.

SHANE GILLIS: They’re from Baltimore.

MARK NORMAND: Nice.

SHANE GILLIS: Baltimore.

MARK NORMAND: They say a—

JOE ROGAN: I think the weird thing is how rap has fallen off the charts.

MARK NORMAND: I was gonna say that.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s because Drizzy — Drake was gone.

JOE ROGAN: No, it’s because USAID got defunded. Maybe that’s what a lot of people—

SHANE GILLIS: No, but Drake was—

ARI SHAFFIR: USAID got defunded, that dropped rap.

MARK NORMAND: We’re back.

JOE ROGAN: USAID, the Agency for International Development, is well known to have been funding a bunch of radical anti-government rappers overseas. Funding a ton of them— it was basically all about regime change. That was a big part of what USAID was about. And the thought is that Mike Benz, he has a famous quote that USAID was there for things that were too dirty for the CIA. What are you doing?

SHANE GILLIS: No, Joe, the reason rap is gone is because Drake was gone.

JOE ROGAN: Where did he go?

SHANE GILLIS: Poppy’s home.

JOE ROGAN: No, USAID didn’t fund rap music despite what this viral right-wing theory claims. Yeah, but this is Yahoo News, and that’s owned by Ari’s family.

SHANE GILLIS: Joe, can I say one more thing?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, you guys did a lot of good stuff.

SHANE GILLIS: You’ve gotten so big that all of your opinions will be debunked. When you say something, when you go, “This is what happened,” right, literally the first article will come up, and instead of naming you, it’ll be like, “That’s wrong despite these crazy claims.” It’s literally your claims.

JOE ROGAN: Well, if you Google something, it’s directly against you, but this one is not mine. I read this online, and I read this from people like one of them was Mike Benz, and Mike Benz is very credible and was talking about it. So it’s not my idea at all.

SHANE GILLIS: Mike Benz, isn’t he a CIA disinformation agent?

JOE ROGAN: Is that what you think? Oh shit, I get you. I’ll call him on FaceTime right now.

MARK NORMAND: We’ll find out. Call him. No, ask him.

ARI SHAFFIR: Ask him if he’s a disinformation agent.

JOE ROGAN: Hey, we’re in the middle of Protect Our Parks.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, can you help me with this? I believe the Fifth. Give me that puppy.

JOE ROGAN: A lot of what he’s saying is not pro-CIA at all.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s because that’s what they want, brother. There’s no way the CIA would let a CIA agent fucking talk shit.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s true.

JOE ROGAN: Freaking me out, man.

SHANE GILLIS: They want to give us bad info. They love disinformation.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, yeah, they invented CIA.

MARK NORMAND: Slippery group. They did the acid things.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, they did. That must have been fun. Imagine watching people try to get laid, you know, they’re on acid.

ARI SHAFFIR: Cuban hip-hop.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, failed attempt to infiltrate Cuban hip-hop. Yeah, but they try.

SHANE GILLIS: That makes sense. Government shit.

JOE ROGAN: It says failed.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, but it makes perfect sense. They’re getting other countries, like cultural revolutions. They always try to make other governments unstable. What’s a better way than good music?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, smart people like.

SHANE GILLIS: And that’s what they did. But no, the reason hip-hop’s down right now in the United States is Drizzy Drake was gone. Now Poppy’s home. Check the charts again. Iceman’s back. Iceman’s back, Daddy.

JOE ROGAN: I mean, after all that— I’m a ’90s hip-hop head.

MARK NORMAND: I—

JOE ROGAN: There’s so much great ’90s hip-hop that it’s hard for me to escape that era.

MARK NORMAND: And it got too auto-tune-y.

JOE ROGAN: Well, I don’t mind some of the new stuff, but it’s like, I like old-school Nas. That’s what I’m into.

MARK NORMAND: Cool G Rap. Uh-oh.

JOE ROGAN: Are you okay?

MARK NORMAND: Are you having a heart attack?

JOE ROGAN: Ever since he moved to the UK, became a pussy. He wants warm beer. Yeah, they drink warm beer over there.

ARI SHAFFIR: Nice warm beer on a hot day. Oh, it goes down terrible.

JOE ROGAN: About some peas for breakfast. Do they really have warm beer over there?

ARI SHAFFIR: Is that real? Timothy Taylor’s, bro. You get a fucking—

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, they get all British though.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like barely—

JOE ROGAN: Can you order it cold if you want?

ARI SHAFFIR: No, but they can put it on ice. You can ask for ice.

SHANE GILLIS: No, but the beer is cold there.

ARI SHAFFIR: Guinness is cold.

SHANE GILLIS: Timothy Taylor’s cold.

ARI SHAFFIR: Regular beer there.

JOE ROGAN: What is Timothy Taylor’s?

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like a local— England doesn’t have good local beers. They’re not great.

JOE ROGAN: Really?

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, they’re never— get an apartment now.

ARI SHAFFIR: You can’t even— their shit is like—

JOE ROGAN: You might get arrested at the airport.

ARI SHAFFIR: All their shit’s from Ireland, from other places. They have the fucking Spanish beer.

MARK NORMAND: Ireland kills us.

ARI SHAFFIR: Belgian beer. They don’t have locals unless it’s like at your pub.

MARK NORMAND: Call me crazy, but everybody goes, “The Guinness over there, it’s so different.” I didn’t notice it. It felt very similar.

JOE ROGAN: How could it be different?

MARK NORMAND: That’s what they say. It’s different here. We got better pipes and barrels. Drake’s back on the charts, but so is Thriller. Thriller’s the movie. It didn’t just come out.

SHANE GILLIS: Movie, not the doc.

JOE ROGAN: Damn, Stick Season is still in the top 10. That’s crazy.

MARK NORMAND: Morgan Wallen never leaves there.

JOE ROGAN: Look at this. Yeah, Morgan Wallen balling out of control.

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s got 2 in the top 10.

MARK NORMAND: Ariana Grande, she’s a real skinny lady.

JOE ROGAN: Morgan Wallen’s legit. I love his music.

MARK NORMAND: Yep, God’s Country.

JOE ROGAN: Let me see what else is in the top 10. What is it?

MARK NORMAND: That’s the top 200.

JOE ROGAN: What is it? Billboard. Is it albums or songs? Songs. So what is 3?

SHANE GILLIS: Which Drake song was it?

JOE ROGAN: Olivia Rodrigo, she’s huge. Ella Langley, she’s fucking gigantic. Noah Kahan, that Stick Season’s been around for years, man. That’s been on my Spotify playlist for a long fucking time.

MARK NORMAND: Okay, this is albums. You like Noah?

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

MARK NORMAND: I went to see him with the lady at Stick Season’s a great — City Field.

SHANE GILLIS: How was it?

MARK NORMAND: I did shrooms to get through it, but it’s not my cup of tea. But it was her birthday. I took her there.

JOE ROGAN: You got to be in the mood for it. I like to mix it up.

SHANE GILLIS: I was going to a lady concert.

ARI SHAFFIR: Kahan.

SHANE GILLIS: Like, yeah, concert the girl wants to take you to. Yeah, you’re like, you just want to fuck this guy. And then midway through you go, “I want to fuck this.” Yeah, I had a girl take me to a fucking—

ARI SHAFFIR: What’s his name? Brettsen Boone.

SHANE GILLIS: That kind of guy. But that—

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, something like that.

SHANE GILLIS: You go, “Holy shit, this show rocks.”

MARK NORMAND: He’s a cute twink, that guy.

Rick Springfield’s Comeback

JOE ROGAN: You know what I got coming on soon?

MARK NORMAND: Rick Springfield.

ARI SHAFFIR: Springfield. Nice.

JOE ROGAN: Have you seen Rick Springfield perform recently? Oh, okay.

MARK NORMAND: They’re eating the dogs.

JOE ROGAN: 74, maybe 75. Looks fucking insane. Pull him up shirtless singing Jessie’s Girl. Okay, find the video.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a hunk.

JOE ROGAN: Find the video.

ARI SHAFFIR: You could probably still—

MARK NORMAND: What?

JOE ROGAN: No, no, find the video. Fuck all this. Go right to the video. So there’s a video that somebody captured of him on stage, and everybody’s like, “What the fuck? Is this real?” Is this— he’s in his 70s. He’s shirtless. He’s fucking ripped, and he’s singing like he just wrote the song last week, like full enthusiasm. He’s not Barry Manilow in it with a rubber face. He’s really going all in. Look at this. Give me some volume.

ARI SHAFFIR: No way.

MARK NORMAND: Wow. This is—

JOE ROGAN: Give me some headphones, Shane.

MARK NORMAND: How old is he?

SHANE GILLIS: 70. He’s got a rubber face.

ARI SHAFFIR: 36. No.

MARK NORMAND: Leather pants.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, who’s this guy, bro? He’s 75 years old.

MARK NORMAND: No chance.

ARI SHAFFIR: How old is he?

MARK NORMAND: No chance.

JOE ROGAN: He’s in his fucking 70s.

MARK NORMAND: What?

ARI SHAFFIR: No fucking way.

MARK NORMAND: Damn, this is—

JOE ROGAN: And look at the energy he has. No, dude, this is really recent.

SHANE GILLIS: No way.

JOE ROGAN: Yes, it’s crazy. Look, the guy kept up. You can do it.

MARK NORMAND: What’s he doing?

JOE ROGAN: Listen to me, boys. I turned 59 years old.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh yeah, happy birthday.

MARK NORMAND: Happy birthday.

JOE ROGAN: I’m old as fuck.

ARI SHAFFIR: That guy’s young.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you can still do it. This is a different world we’re living in.

SHANE GILLIS: One of those Bud Lights.

JOE ROGAN: If you stay on top of your health, you could do wild shit deep into the time we’re supposed to be falling apart.

MARK NORMAND: Well, that biohack guy, whatever that guy is, John Will—

JOE ROGAN: He’s falling apart.

MARK NORMAND: He’s falling apart.

JOE ROGAN: Bryan Johnson.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, well, they’re doing fucking weird drugs and shit.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Well, he’s also vegan.

MARK NORMAND: He’s doing like blood transfusions.

ARI SHAFFIR: Stop your beans.

JOE ROGAN: Stop, stop with your fucking legumes.

ARI SHAFFIR: Stop, stop, stop with your beans for protein.

JOE ROGAN: Come eat with me. Come eat with me. Let’s eat meat.

MARK NORMAND: I was 785. Jeez, it’s better now.

JOE ROGAN: Wow, bro, the dude’s more better.

ARI SHAFFIR: There’s gotta be other camera angles.

JOE ROGAN: That camera angle— no, it’s legit.

ARI SHAFFIR: That doesn’t even look—

JOE ROGAN: That’s just looking at fans.

MARK NORMAND: Pull up his dating history. I gotta know what old—

ARI SHAFFIR: Can you give me—

JOE ROGAN: Give me some music so I could do it to something other than America? Fuck yeah, let’s go!

MARK NORMAND: What’s this? We can’t afford this.

SHANE GILLIS: Jamie, give him some Iceman. Give him some Iceman.

JOE ROGAN: How long ago was this? I don’t know, dude.

MARK NORMAND: A month?

JOE ROGAN: It says 4 weeks.

ARI SHAFFIR: 4 weeks, bro.

JOE ROGAN: The dude’s in his 70s. But it’s the enthusiasm. He’s not half-assing this at all.

ARI SHAFFIR: Pan to the wheelchairs in the crowd.

JOE ROGAN: Boys, I love you guys.

MARK NORMAND: Happy birthday. I love you guys to death.

JOE ROGAN: I’m so happy we’re here.

ARI SHAFFIR: Let’s go.

MARK NORMAND: Look at that voodoo ranger.

SHANE GILLIS: Where’s the ice cream?

MARK NORMAND: I had too much going on.

SHANE GILLIS: Where’s the ice cream?

ARI SHAFFIR: Guys, I will tell you, I’ve been incredibly lonely in London. I needed this.

MARK NORMAND: You need to move back here.

JOE ROGAN: Will you fucking move here?

MARK NORMAND: You hurt yourself doing this. You were in the jungle for a year, you psycho.

JOE ROGAN: Free rent for a year.

ARI SHAFFIR: Come on, too early.

JOE ROGAN: I’ll show you the place while we’re here, while we’re in town. All right, what are you doing tomorrow? I’ll show you the place.

MARK NORMAND: Let’s see the place.

JOE ROGAN: Come on, man, free rent for a year.

MARK NORMAND: Free rent, you landlord.

JOE ROGAN: Got a gym, it’s a nice place, got a spa.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, that’s a Drake video.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, the video.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: No way.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, I thought that was Derek Chauvin.

JOE ROGAN: That’s so sick. I am, I am, I am.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a cute kid.

JOE ROGAN: That’s so sick. When did you do this?

ARI SHAFFIR: Uh, 2 months ago.

SHANE GILLIS: A couple. Yeah, I forget.

MARK NORMAND: That’s so sick. Spilled the beans on that one, fatty.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, that’s okay.

MARK NORMAND: That was bad. I felt horrible. We went in and edited it. It was bad. SHANE GILLIS: No, I appreciate that.

JOE ROGAN: Come on.

ARI SHAFFIR: Zero chance. I just did all this work to get that.

JOE ROGAN: Come on, pussy. I will fucking kidnap you, bitch.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s your girl. Your girl’s name is Sierra. I wasn’t gonna kidnap you. Your girl’s making you stay.

ARI SHAFFIR: Nobody’s like, “Oh dude, I just got my visa.”

SHANE GILLIS: 5-year visa.

ARI SHAFFIR: I just got my visa.

MARK NORMAND: So funny.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, well, you have to stay for 5 years in a place that sucks. You’re not in jail, bitch. Just having a visa doesn’t mean you’re in jail.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ll get an apartment. I’ll be fine.

JOE ROGAN: Just come back.

SHANE GILLIS: What do you mean?

MARK NORMAND: What do you mean?

ARI SHAFFIR: I just started.

MARK NORMAND: Just even up there once.

JOE ROGAN: What could happen that would entice you? What would be the scenario where you’d go, “I have to move to Austin”? Let’s come up with something.

ARI SHAFFIR: Okay, I got one.

JOE ROGAN: I got one. I got one.

ARI SHAFFIR: I got one. I would come back if—

MARK NORMAND: Here we go—

ARI SHAFFIR: I get a free apartment somewhere.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, no, I’m joking.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m not staying there, dude. I’m having a good time.

JOE ROGAN: It has to be something.

MARK NORMAND: What are you doing? The food sucks. The weather sucks.

ARI SHAFFIR: Food’s amazing.

SHANE GILLIS: Food’s actually great.

ARI SHAFFIR: The food’s great.

SHANE GILLIS: The weather’s great.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah. Really? I like them a lot.

ARI SHAFFIR: Global warming has been awesome.

JOE ROGAN: Some of the best Indian food I’ve ever had in my life.

MARK NORMAND: Oh my God.

JOE ROGAN: I’ve been around the world 10 times.

MARK NORMAND: The cuisine.

ARI SHAFFIR: Phenomenal.

MARK NORMAND: All right, all right.

JOE ROGAN: Sunday roast has some phenomenal breakfast.

MARK NORMAND: They roll it up early over there. I did a show out there for like a month and you can’t get food after like 9.

ARI SHAFFIR: Ends early.

SHANE GILLIS: They do end early because they all day drink.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh yeah. They all start at 6.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: What’s the scenario?

MARK NORMAND: I day drink. I like late night food.

ARI SHAFFIR: Dude, I love your enthusiasm.

MARK NORMAND: You got that right.

ARI SHAFFIR: Back a lot. Honestly, this is the only thing getting me back.

JOE ROGAN: Come on, let’s do it once a month.

MARK NORMAND: You’re unhappy.

JOE ROGAN: What would be the scenario?

MARK NORMAND: You look terrible.

JOE ROGAN: You look bad. You look terrible.

SHANE GILLIS: I have had a rough go of it.

ARI SHAFFIR: You look sad.

MARK NORMAND: I’ve had a rough go of it. I’ve said before, you look like a homeless guy. I bet your wife hates it.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ve had a rough go of it.

SHANE GILLIS: Your wife hates it.

JOE ROGAN: She hates it, right?

MARK NORMAND: She hates it.

JOE ROGAN: I’ve had a rough go of it. Come on, America, come back here. Your wife needs a cowboy hat.

SHANE GILLIS: Ari, you look good, by the way.

MARK NORMAND: I bet she likes it more than the dog.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s all the loggers.

SHANE GILLIS: I saw you, I was like, you look good.

ARI SHAFFIR: I know, I need to lose at least a stone.

JOE ROGAN: Why?

SHANE GILLIS: No, how dare you, you son of a bitch!

JOE ROGAN: You son of a bitch!

MARK NORMAND: I always got to go to the loo.

JOE ROGAN: There’s no reason to be over there.

ARI SHAFFIR: The World Cup run was so fun. They made an executive order to keep pubs open late so we could party later.

MARK NORMAND: All right, how about this? We do that every night.

ARI SHAFFIR: We left at 5:00 AM.

JOE ROGAN: I got a compromise. I got a compromise.

SHANE GILLIS: The Mexico game ruled.

JOE ROGAN: I got a compromise.

SHANE GILLIS: Fun.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: How about I fly you out every 2 months? Every 2 months, come do the club, hang out, have a good time. Free. You just come.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s possible.

MARK NORMAND: Come on, Jewface.

SHANE GILLIS: What do you mean that’s possible?

JOE ROGAN: We have a condo.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s doing something incredibly nice.

MARK NORMAND: Say yes.

JOE ROGAN: We also have a condo at the club, a condo no one’s using during the week.

MARK NORMAND: The club’s condo is amazing.

JOE ROGAN: It’s pretty dope. We have a sick condo. So you could use that during the week and your girl would be happy.

ARI SHAFFIR: I got a set—

MARK NORMAND: She’s sleeping in a barn right now. Once every couple months, you have a free vacation to Austin.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, this is an intervention, dude.

JOE ROGAN: I got flights, right? You just can hang out and you can wait till January.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wait till January. Let me set my— I am trying to stamp my American flag on England soil.

MARK NORMAND: They don’t want it. They’re pushing you out there.

JOE ROGAN: Look, Hicks already did it. Leary already did it.

MARK NORMAND: Let it go. Patrice.

ARI SHAFFIR: Patrice.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, Patrice did it. I forgot Patrice did it.

MARK NORMAND: How’d they turn out?

ARI SHAFFIR: Great.

MARK NORMAND: Right?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, Patrice died of a Snickers.

MARK NORMAND: That’s what I’m saying. Yeah, wait, what’d you say?

ARI SHAFFIR: Patrice died of a Snickers.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, oh, I heard something else.

JOE ROGAN: You don’t need it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Um, no, it’s gonna be—

JOE ROGAN: You need to be around comics.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, it’s gonna be awesome.

MARK NORMAND: Good for you.

SHANE GILLIS: I actually genuinely do support it. Yeah, I really— I don’t like you enough to be like, I hope he comes back.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s fun. I get pushback from crowds. It’s actually really good for me.

MARK NORMAND: What are you doing?

JOE ROGAN: And this way you get to see good and suck, good and suck, and you keep living in the suck, and eventually you’re like, “What am I doing? I’m 58 years old.” You know when you go back and move to the next place?

ARI SHAFFIR: Shane moved here, he goes, “I think I moved to Austin.” I was like, “Dude, it’s April, you gotta wait till July.” Yeah, you didn’t wait. If you have this conversation in December, you might get me.

JOE ROGAN: Listen, pussy, just getting in the sauna every day, it doesn’t— shit. I was outside shooting arrows for 2 hours today. I don’t feel a thing. I don’t give a fuck. It’s 100 degrees. Who cares? Drink water. It doesn’t mean anything.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s pretty hot everywhere here.

JOE ROGAN: Just get in the sauna.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m in New York now too. It’s hot as fuck.

JOE ROGAN: This is humid. He’s multi-city. Do you understand this? You can be multi-city.

ARI SHAFFIR: City.

JOE ROGAN: You can be multi-city for free.

ARI SHAFFIR: Let’s have more of these.

JOE ROGAN: I’m giving you an opportunity to be multi-city for free, dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: I gotta get set there.

JOE ROGAN: I want to say something to these people. I’m gonna say something.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s really important to say.

JOE ROGAN: I’m gonna tell you how to live your life. Shut the fuck up. I got a vasectomy and a dog. Shut the fuck up. I don’t have anything to say.

SHANE GILLIS: Fuck has something to say?

JOE ROGAN: How the fuck do you have something to say? I don’t have anything to say. I’m the number one podcast in the world. Yeah, I don’t have a thing to say to people.

ARI SHAFFIR: You’ve said it.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t have shit to say to people. It just happens.

ARI SHAFFIR: You got a lot to say.

JOE ROGAN: It happens, but I don’t ever say I have something to say.

SHANE GILLIS: What do you want to tell the people of England?

ARI SHAFFIR: America’s way better than you.

MARK NORMAND: Uh, well, they come back.

SHANE GILLIS: They already know.

JOE ROGAN: Come back. They already know.

ARI SHAFFIR: Put it in their face.

MARK NORMAND: You’re Shaffir Starmer.

JOE ROGAN: You bombed Gaza.

SHANE GILLIS: Free Palestine.

JOE ROGAN: You need to go on stage every night with a free Palestine t-shirt.

ARI SHAFFIR: It is funny when I go there, ’cause there’s a lot of free Palestine there. And I was like, “But you guys, you controlled it before Israel.”

SHANE GILLIS: Like, you could have done it.

JOE ROGAN: Listen, listen, let that go.

MARK NORMAND: Stop.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, stop covering up for your country’s actions.

MARK NORMAND: So funny. Fared better in the jungle.

JOE ROGAN: Box on your head, faggot.

MARK NORMAND: He killed it in the jungle. He was great in South America.

ARI SHAFFIR: I was having a great time in the worst possible fight.

MARK NORMAND: Empire.

ARI SHAFFIR: Legitimately, it’s like 13-hour buses. I’m rolling with it fine, and then I get to England, it’s like, just make it hard for fucking immigrants.

JOE ROGAN: Well, it’s hilarious you tell me they kicked you out of Nicaragua. They kicked him out of Nicaragua because they thought he was a fucking press guy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Because of you.

SHANE GILLIS: Because of my relationship with you.

MARK NORMAND: Uh, Nicaragua, please.

ARI SHAFFIR: They looked me up.

JOE ROGAN: They’re like, “What’s this?” Rogan.

SHANE GILLIS: Now we’re rolling.

ARI SHAFFIR: They were calling and Googling me, and I’m like, don’t put in Joe and Ari. I’m fucked. I assume he was like, “What’s this experience saying?”

SHANE GILLIS: I’m like, “All right, I’ll leave.”

MARK NORMAND: Patrice O’Neal’s in Nicaragua.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, you son of a bitch. That was a hard G. That was a hard G.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a great country. He’s a great comic.

SHANE GILLIS: Hey, Ari, could you hand me one of those?

JOE ROGAN: Ari, every 2 months free.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m in.

MARK NORMAND: Let’s go. We got to start.

ARI SHAFFIR: We got to start in the winter.

SHANE GILLIS: But okay.

JOE ROGAN: All right.

SHANE GILLIS: Can I say this?

MARK NORMAND: Your lady’s going to love it.

JOE ROGAN: Thursday night show, Ari and Friends.

MARK NORMAND: We have air conditioning.

JOE ROGAN: That’ll pay for all your expenses.

SHANE GILLIS: All right, what about this? Okay, what about September 4th? Yeah, Kanye in Chicago.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wait, that’s like 2 weeks from now.

JOE ROGAN: Ah, fuck, you’re such a bitch.

MARK NORMAND: What do you—

JOE ROGAN: That’s a month.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s a 6-hour flight, dude. I thought it was nothing.

JOE ROGAN: Today’s August 12th.

SHANE GILLIS: I thought you said it was nothing.

ARI SHAFFIR: You texted it was fine. Yeah, okay, never mind.

SHANE GILLIS: Now you’re not invited.

JOE ROGAN: Fuck your shitbag apartment with lukewarm water.

ARI SHAFFIR: If that’s a red flag to Chicago, I’m in.

JOE ROGAN: Did they even let you fucking take showers over there, bro?

ARI SHAFFIR: Legit, honestly, I have had diarrhea for 5 months from a parasite I got in Brazil. I’m not having a great time.

JOE ROGAN: Why don’t you take ivermectin?

MARK NORMAND: How’s the blood?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, I’m in.

JOE ROGAN: It’s an antiparasitical.

Ivermectin and COVID Regrets

ARI SHAFFIR: Hey, can I tell you this? When I got whatever, COVID for the first time, I contacted somebody. I was in Florida. You’re like, perfect, they got monoclonal antibodies. And then I called somebody, I was like, “Hey, um—” they’re like, “You should take ivermectin.” And I was like, “I already have some.” They’re like, “Okay, it comes in 4s or 8s.” And I was like, “Well, I have 6s.” And they were like, “Where’d you get 6 milligrams?” And I was like, “My friend.” And they’re like, “What? Where’d you get 6 milligram ones?” I’m getting the numbers wrong, but I was like, “My friend.” I was like, “Is his name Joe?”

JOE ROGAN: And I was like, “Yeah, I had boxes of it.” I bought it from India. I literally bought like a case of ivermectin.

ARI SHAFFIR: You get a billion for 2 nickels.

JOE ROGAN: Dude, I still have it. Yeah, I still have boxes of ivermectin.

ARI SHAFFIR: You’re like my parents with flour. I was there during COVID and I was like, “Did you guys get all this flour?” “Oh no, there was a sale like 2 months ago.”

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, so we just filled up our garage. The crazy thing is I was right. You guys, I was right. There’s studies on it now. I was right.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wait, would ivermectin clear my parasite?

JOE ROGAN: 100%. That’s what it’s for.

MARK NORMAND: Not from India.

JOE ROGAN: It’s an anti-parasitical. I don’t know if it’s the one to clear up whatever the fuck you have. What you should get is checked out by a doctor. But meanwhile, over there, you have to wait a fucking year for a doctor.

ARI SHAFFIR: It ain’t great here either.

JOE ROGAN: What are you talking about?

MARK NORMAND: What? It’s free over there at least.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, I gotta get on there.

JOE ROGAN: I’ll send you to my doctor. It’ll take you 3 seconds to get in.

ARI SHAFFIR: Do it.

JOE ROGAN: What are we talking about?

ARI SHAFFIR: Do it then. Why don’t you tell me?

JOE ROGAN: Why don’t you just tell me you have parasites? I’ll hook you up.

SHANE GILLIS: Wait, are we curing diarrhea now?

JOE ROGAN: I’ll cure diarrhea.

SHANE GILLIS: I’ve had diarrhea for 10 years.

MARK NORMAND: I don’t get one log— damn, don’t get in a hot tub. You need to eat only meat.

SHANE GILLIS: I’ll try that. No, that gives you nothing but diarrhea.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, yeah, no, in the beginning. And then after a while your body—

SHANE GILLIS: The carnivore diet, me and Matt, we did it for a month.

JOE ROGAN: Wow, the first couple weeks are disturbing.

SHANE GILLIS: I was delirious. We’d go on stage, me and Matt were backstage, I was like, “Dude, bro, I can’t think, dude.” We were both like, “Dude, I’ve never been more tired in my life.”

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I miss it.

SHANE GILLIS: I haven’t even had diarrhea.

MARK NORMAND: I miss it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Nothing?

MARK NORMAND: Water. Oh no.

JOE ROGAN: The only thing that holds me back—

SHANE GILLIS: It was the grossest.

MARK NORMAND: That’s bad.

JOE ROGAN: The only thing that holds me back from the carnivore diet is the guinea in me. The guinea in me just wants spaghetti and pasta and pizza. Like last time I had a steak and cheese.

ARI SHAFFIR: Steak and cheese.

JOE ROGAN: What is that local company? These guys have a food truck in Austin.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s Philly guys.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, the Philly guys. So legit.

MARK NORMAND: They have a truck?

JOE ROGAN: A pasta truck? No, a Philly cheesesteak truck.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, I’ve gotten it.

MARK NORMAND: It’s in East Austin.

JOE ROGAN: So good. So good. It’s so good. Their cheesesteaks are so fucking legit.

SHANE GILLIS: I think they’re Jersey and—

JOE ROGAN: What is it, Jamie? What is it? I don’t know. You got to use a microphone, buddy.

MARK NORMAND: R&B’s?

SHANE GILLIS: I don’t know. No, I think that actually is it.

JOE ROGAN: Yes. See if you can find it because, uh, that’s it. I know I followed them. There it is, bro.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh yeah, I’ve eaten there.

JOE ROGAN: I’m telling you, it is so— I’ve eaten it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Okay, to feel good.

JOE ROGAN: Shane can speak on this because you’re a Philly guy, but those dudes, they came to the green room last night. It is fucking phenomenal steak and cheese.

MARK NORMAND: All right, Chris and Boo, hard to find one around here.

JOE ROGAN: That’s one, but it’s phenomenal. Just the right amount of spice to it. I’m telling you, these guys, they do it right. They know what they’re doing. And they’re young guys and they’re cool as fuck. They brought it to the green room last night. We all had some. They bring in like a case of them to the green room. That’s so good.

MARK NORMAND: You can’t get that in England.

JOE ROGAN: Dude, that green room is so good.

ARI SHAFFIR: You go in there hungry and you’re just like, please be something to the right.

MARK NORMAND: I know, there’s a box of burgers, 80 hamburgers.

JOE ROGAN: Here’s another thing to entice you.

ARI SHAFFIR: I only have 7.

JOE ROGAN: Another thing to entice you, if you are ever at the club and you want something, all you have to do is just ask and they will deliver it. Whatever you want. You want steaks from Eddie?

ARI SHAFFIR: When you’re at that club, you feel like Oprah. You just reach out and somebody puts whatever you want in your hand. It’s like tissue or fucking tea or anything.

JOE ROGAN: You get a slider, whatever you want, just ask for it and you can get it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Can I say, at minimum, the best is just, “Hey, pour your own drinks. You’re a fucking adult.” There’s just a bunch of mixers, go do whatever.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, the drinks at the bar? Yeah, well, I wanted us to have—

ARI SHAFFIR: I don’t want to bother a bartender. Just let me— I know it’s free, just—

MARK NORMAND: You don’t want to tip.

JOE ROGAN: But there’s that—

ARI SHAFFIR: Fair, you got me on that one.

JOE ROGAN: But there’s that too. If you want a margarita, you could ask for a margarita.

MARK NORMAND: That’s true. You can’t make—

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, whatever you want. If you want a pizza and a margarita, they’ll get it to you in 20 minutes. Whatever the fuck you want, whatever you need. There’s a pizza place right next door. They’ll just get you a pizza, they’ll come back.

SHANE GILLIS: Bro, somebody give me—

JOE ROGAN: It’s not the best. It’s not the best.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ve legitimately seen homeless people turn down slices from there. Not a lie. They go, “Nah, dude, nah.”

JOE ROGAN: Uh, yeah, I thought about buying this place.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, bury it.

JOE ROGAN: I thought about buying it and putting in like a legit high-level pizza place.

ARI SHAFFIR: Put in a vomitorium instead. It’ll be better for the community.

SHANE GILLIS: 6th Street is a fucking vomitorium. Oh yeah, 6th Street blows.

MARK NORMAND: You got security up there.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but it’s also— I love being in the middle of the shit.

MARK NORMAND: Uh-huh.

JOE ROGAN: It’s part of why I like putting that club there.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s funny, you’re in there.

JOE ROGAN: First of all, it helps the rest of the neighborhood. It really does, because it brings in a bunch of people that are there to have a good time. They’re spending money. The pizza place is probably killing it because of that. The Mexican joint next door is probably killing it because of the club.

SHANE GILLIS: I like getting drunk on 6th Street.

JOE ROGAN: The food trucks are the move, dude. The food trucks on 6th Street are incredible.

ARI SHAFFIR: No, 5th and 4th— 7th has a good taco spot over by the creek.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, on the way to the creek there’s some fucking— oh right across the burger place that’s legit as fuck up there.

ARI SHAFFIR: Taco House. If you want diarrhea, if you already got a parasite, look no further than Taco House.

JOE ROGAN: So where’d you get a parasite? In Brazil?

ARI SHAFFIR: My last day, street meat.

JOE ROGAN: Drinking river water.

MARK NORMAND: Here we got the lettuce. Everybody’s saying the lettuce is bad here.

JOE ROGAN: What are you doing with your fingers?

MARK NORMAND: You know, whatever this is.

JOE ROGAN: Is this the new sign language?

MARK NORMAND: Every time I open Twitter it’s like we got a new anal parasite.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, lettuce is not good for you. You should eat only meat.

SHANE GILLIS: I knew it.

JOE ROGAN: Carnivore diet.

SHANE GILLIS: I’ve always known.

MARK NORMAND: Let’s go, let’s go, let us break.

JOE ROGAN: I was in Italy and I ate so much that I almost died.

MARK NORMAND: It’s better over there. You can eat bread in Italy.

JOE ROGAN: You can, but you can only eat so much.

ARI SHAFFIR: And then you push yourself.

JOE ROGAN: If you push yourself to the gluttony— pizza is like Shane with beer. I can get to a strange point where you’re like, there’s no way a human can really consume that much pizza.

MARK NORMAND: You’re not gonna fuck a fat chick after. You need a rigatoni.

SHANE GILLIS: Don’t talk about your mom like that.

MARK NORMAND: Hey, she’s in a wheelchair, goddamn it.

JOE ROGAN: It’s his dad now.

SHANE GILLIS: Perfect. This new rule.

MARK NORMAND: Well, watch out.

SHANE GILLIS: Perfect, she can’t run.

MARK NORMAND: He’s Larry Flynt. But, um, watch out. What?

SHANE GILLIS: Your mom’s in a wheelchair.

JOE ROGAN: Well, that—

MARK NORMAND: I hit her with my car.

JOE ROGAN: I thought there was an issue.

SHANE GILLIS: I bumped her too hard.

JOE ROGAN: No disrespect for James Gandolfini.

SHANE GILLIS: Sorry, but for real, if she’s in a wheelchair—

MARK NORMAND: No, no, no, she’s got a bum leg, but she’s not in a wheelchair.

JOE ROGAN: James Gandolfini and I were dealing with very different digestive systems.

MARK NORMAND: She’s been dead for 30 years.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I can consume some coke.

SHANE GILLIS: Gandolfini was not— that wasn’t the girl that got you.

JOE ROGAN: It was the coke.

MARK NORMAND: That was the coke.

JOE ROGAN: It was the coke and the booze.

ARI SHAFFIR: What are you talking about?

MARK NORMAND: Like 17 oysters, 38, and then did coke. Oh, was it coke?

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, he did a ton of coke.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, his menu list— his receipt is on the internet.

SHANE GILLIS: I’ve seen the receipt.

JOE ROGAN: It’s— no, he did a ton of coke.

MARK NORMAND: It’s actually not that crazy. It’s like lobster, lobster claws.

JOE ROGAN: It’s everything you want in life. The guy was living the right— I don’t think he should have died young because it would have been awesome to see him be alive.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, sure.

JOE ROGAN: But fuck, that guy did it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Joe, when Joe started making money, he had to have an intervention from his business manager. They’re like, “Dude, you have a gambling addiction. You’re just getting started in your career. You can’t let gambling get—” he’s like, “I don’t gamble.” He’s like, “$5 on pool once in a while.” “Dude, clearly we’ve looked at your finances. How were you spending this much?” He goes, “Oh, I eat lobster every day, bro.”

JOE ROGAN: When I first got my development deal, I was eating lobster and steak every night, and I was taking my boys out. I was like, “Let’s go.” I would treat everybody.

MARK NORMAND: You’re like a rapper.

JOE ROGAN: $150,000 and I was 25 years old. This is the craziest thing. And I was poor my whole life. And I was like, let’s go. Sussman was like, “I think you have a gambling problem.” Like, what? Because he knew I was playing pool every night. I was like, no, I’m a suspect.

ARI SHAFFIR: Never spend that much on regular stuff.

JOE ROGAN: I’m like, bro, I’m living like a baller.

MARK NORMAND: I think Tim Dillon’s like that. He’s the food and the jets.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but he’s rich. Sure, I was not really rich. I had $150,000. You were fresh out of college, right?

ARI SHAFFIR: First job rich.

JOE ROGAN: Barely went to college.

ARI SHAFFIR: It was—

JOE ROGAN: I was a dumbass. I was a dumbass with an enormous amount of money for no reason.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, because I was TV—

JOE ROGAN: Because I was boy pretty at 25.

ARI SHAFFIR: Hardball.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, those Hardball days. And so I just spent— I was like, look, if my thought was like, “If this goes away, I should make the most out of it.” Fuck portioning it off so I could live okay for fucking 15 years. Fuck that.

Uncomfortable Encounters

SHANE GILLIS: Let’s go. Did anyone ever try to— oh yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Oh no, you never got invited to a pool party? One comedian, but it was at Montreal. A comedian at Montreal, I literally had to tell him I was gonna stomp a hole in his chest.

ARI SHAFFIR: What?

JOE ROGAN: Big Jay. He kept touching me, hitting on— he was drunk and kept touching me, and I was like, “Hey, you touch me one more time, I’m gonna stomp a fucking hole in your chest.”

MARK NORMAND: No way.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, it got gross because it was like 2 in the morning, it was one of those deals, and it was at the Montreal Comedy Festival. It was a gay comedian who’s been hyper aggressive.

MARK NORMAND: Is he still working?

JOE ROGAN: I don’t really remember his last name. No, no, it wasn’t him. But that was a thing with him too. He got beat up by a guy in Hawaii. And Dom Irrera was like, “What happened to you?” And he’s like, “Oh, some guy beat me up.” And he’s like, “What the fuck? That’s terrible.” And then he got the whole story. He got a little lit, hit on a regular guy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Dude, that guy would be in the back when there was a new like 21-year-old door guy on stage. He’d just be in the back going like—

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but to me that was like the first time that I ever felt like a— well, it wasn’t— I didn’t feel like a woman because I could kill the guy. So there was a thing, but it was also like the thing about a man being aggressive sexually towards you where you didn’t— there’s not a chance you’re going to convince me, right, that I don’t want to go upstairs with you. Like, this is crazy. But it was the aggressiveness of it that I was like, ooh, this has got to be awful.

MARK NORMAND: So weird for a— because a gay guy can just go get laid so easily.

JOE ROGAN: Not in Canada.

ARI SHAFFIR: I mean, this is in the ’90s in Canada, but they want what they want.

MARK NORMAND: They got gay bars.

ARI SHAFFIR: Some guy tried to jerk me off in the back of a bus in Vietnam.

JOE ROGAN: Tried? How far did he get? He got—

ARI SHAFFIR: He touched my dick.

JOE ROGAN: I was like, “Dude, no.” Actually, under the pants?

ARI SHAFFIR: Over the pants.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, I had a guy give me a stroke on a party bus once.

SHANE GILLIS: Really?

JOE ROGAN: The whole story?

MARK NORMAND: In high school, I was getting blown by a girl on a party bus, and a guy went like— gave me like a full hand.

JOE ROGAN: Wait a minute, how did he get the girl’s face away from your cock?

MARK NORMAND: He said something, she went, “Huh?” And then he grabbed my dick and did like—

JOE ROGAN: Juked her.

SHANE GILLIS: Wait, repeat this story.

MARK NORMAND: I was on a party bus in high school. Remember those party buses?

ARI SHAFFIR: Party buses.

MARK NORMAND: And we put all our money together, we rented a party bus. I was—

JOE ROGAN: Can I borrow your sunglasses?

MARK NORMAND: Blown by a lady in the back of the bus like Rosa Parks. And this— he said something and she popped her head up and he gave me a full stroke. And I was like, “Oh,” and I pushed him and was like, “That was weird.” And then she went back.

SHANE GILLIS: He was like, “I don’t care, I got the stroke.”

MARK NORMAND: It was a goof. It was a goof.

SHANE GILLIS: Very funny goof.

JOE ROGAN: What if he fucking— what if you popped?

SHANE GILLIS: Choking boy. Choking boy.

JOE ROGAN: Your heart.

ARI SHAFFIR: Your heart. And I touched you.

JOE ROGAN: What if she was blowing you when you were on the edge and this guy gave you a stroke and you were like a broken fire hydrant, just— oh, the ceiling!

MARK NORMAND: It was the late ’90s.

JOE ROGAN: The walls, the windows.

MARK NORMAND: It was a different time. That was normal back then. Gay humor was fun. He’s a Marine now, that guy.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, obviously.

JOE ROGAN: You sure he’s not in the Navy?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, boy, I remember those broke days. One time I did a club. You ever do the Funny Farm in Youngstown, Ohio?

ARI SHAFFIR: I did not.

JOE ROGAN: It was a real shitbox. I did Youngstown. Was it the place that was connected to a club?

MARK NORMAND: He was, yes. And the hotel was horrific.

JOE ROGAN: It was connected. I did do it. The hotel’s connected to a— the comedy club’s connected to like a nightclub. And then the late show, the fucking music plays.

MARK NORMAND: And it’s impossible. That was it. That was it.

JOE ROGAN: It’s impossible. You’re on stage, it’s like—

SHANE GILLIS: What does this have to do with the guy’s jacket?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Let’s get back to the real—

ARI SHAFFIR: Let’s talk about the club’s pay scale.

SHANE GILLIS: Let’s not talk about shitty clubs. Let’s talk about you getting stroked by guys.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, all right. Well, yeah, the guy jerks me off.

SHANE GILLIS: The only other time?

JOE ROGAN: All the way?

MARK NORMAND: No, no, just one pump.

JOE ROGAN: The same guy, same story.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I’m going back.

JOE ROGAN: If it keeps happening, you got to go, “Hey, this is habitual.”

MARK NORMAND: This is odd. One stroke.

JOE ROGAN: It keeps coming up.

SHANE GILLIS: Keep getting stroked.

MARK NORMAND: But yeah, the Funny Farm, one of my first headlining gigs, it was 3 people in the audience, but the owner goes, “Hey, you want a meal?” I was like, “Oh my God, I want a meal. Of course.” And he goes, “Get the swordfish, it’s amazing, you got to get the swordfish.”

SHANE GILLIS: I was like, “Oh my God, swordfish in Youngstown. She’s been in a truck for a month.”

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, but you know, when you’re broke, it’s exotic, you’re like, “Oh my God, I got to have this.” And I was like, “Okay, thanks.” And he goes, “There’s a great wine, it pairs well with the swordfish,” because it was attached to a club kind of restaurant thing. So I was like, “Oh, all right.”

JOE ROGAN: And he—

MARK NORMAND: I drank like a bottle and a half of wine, swordfish, couple beers, and he gave me the bill. Oh no, he was charging. No fucking way. I was getting paid like $400 for the weekend. The bill was like $380.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, what?

MARK NORMAND: Those were the days.

JOE ROGAN: So why did you think it was free?

MARK NORMAND: Because he was upselling me on shit. Oh wow. Yeah. I got fucked.

JOE ROGAN: So he just didn’t want to pay you.

SHANE GILLIS: I bet that was a can.

JOE ROGAN: He didn’t want to pay you because he’s not even giving you a discounted rate for the meals.

MARK NORMAND: No, no half off.

JOE ROGAN: No, you’re performing that night.

MARK NORMAND: That’s crazy. Yeah, the whole weekend.

ARI SHAFFIR: Diaz, I was going to the Jets.

MARK NORMAND: I was like, “What the fuck, man?” I didn’t know it was— yeah, I thought it was free. He’s like, “Free? It’s swordfish.”

JOE ROGAN: How did it play out?

MARK NORMAND: I had to pay the guy, and then he gave me a check for $400, I think, end of the weekend. But the swordfish shit was like $300, and the whole weekend was $400.

JOE ROGAN: Wow, what a scumbag.

ARI SHAFFIR: So many scummy owners.

MARK NORMAND: I mean, everybody’s got those stories where they— what’s that one story? I think it’s a Joe List story where he tried to get paid and the guy just put a gun on the table and he’s like, “All right, I’ll see you later.”

JOE ROGAN: Oh, I had a guy who I worked for, same thing, who didn’t pay me. And then when he did pay me, he was a mob guy, and when he did pay me, he paid me quite a bit less. And I said, “What the fuck? This is not what I was supposed to get.” He goes, “You should be kind of happy with what you’re getting.” And I was like, “All right, we’re done.” I took the money. I was like, “All right, guess I’m never working here again.” Then he calls me up, tries to get me to work at the club. I go, the last time you fucked me, told me— SHANE GILLIS: I would have worked there again in a second.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I did the Funny Farm last week.

JOE ROGAN: The same guy, same guy.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s gonna—

JOE ROGAN: It was in New Haven, Connecticut.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s tax-free.

JOE ROGAN: The same guy, I saw him beat a guy with his shoe. Whoa, he pulled his shoe off, you know, like those slippery, nice dress shoes. Yeah, so it’s got the leather with the wood, the wooden heel. He’s beating the guy in the face with his fucking shoe. There’s blood all over his shirt. It was crazy.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, jiu-jitsu guy. That’s crazy.

JOE ROGAN: So this guy, I was like, okay, was that Joker’s Wild? Yep.

MARK NORMAND: I know that club. Yeah, it was very mob-run. I know that one too. I got the sword.

JOE ROGAN: New Haven’s a wild place. New Haven, Connecticut is a wild—

MARK NORMAND: Good pizza, bad—

JOE ROGAN: A lot of Italians. Some of the best fucking pizza on earth.

MARK NORMAND: Pepe’s.

JOE ROGAN: Like Dave Portnoy, when he talks about pizza, he talks about New Haven style pizza.

MARK NORMAND: Sally’s.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, there’s too many. Pepe’s. Yeah, one of my best friends, Tommy Jr., he’s from— Tommy Jr.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, I love those clubs where you’re like, they fuck you and you’re just like, I’ll take it and I’m just not gonna work there again.

MARK NORMAND: What are you gonna do?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, well, that’s what I did with that guy. I never worked there again. He tried to get me to work there again— and then he tried to get me to work there after I’d been on NewsRadio. I’m like, bro, it’s over.

MARK NORMAND: And you want to go, “Hey, I’m half a walk over here.”

JOE ROGAN: Fucking didn’t pay me, man. You didn’t fucking pay me. Yeah, that’s crazy. And also— you beat a guy with a shoe.

MARK NORMAND: What was the scenario?

JOE ROGAN: I don’t remember. I think the guy was heckling and he was drunk, and that’s awesome.

SHANE GILLIS: This dude—

JOE ROGAN: I don’t want to say his name— this dude just pulled his fucking shoe off and he’s beating this guy in the face with the heel of his shoe. I remember thinking, I never would have thought of that, but I never wear shoes like that. I wear shoes that lace up, but he just slipped that thing right off his foot and used it as a weapon.

MARK NORMAND: I mean, the heel on that, okay, rock hard.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, it’s a fucking piece of wood. Yeah, he beat the guy’s nose. He beat him on the nose with the heel. Just grab the tip of the toe and just whack, whack, and blood was everywhere, spraying off. His shirt was white, it was just splattered.

SHANE GILLIS: The guy was like, “Oh no,” allowed to laugh.

JOE ROGAN: And then he had to run from the cops.

SHANE GILLIS: I got kicked out for laughing too loud.

MARK NORMAND: I was just helping this show. What’s the Chappelle thing?

SHANE GILLIS: I think it was the same thing. Oh yeah, like literally he came into the guy’s office and he was young and like, “Where the fuck’s my money, man?” And they put a gun on the table.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, yeah, “We’ll figure it out, right?”

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I guess we will.

JOE ROGAN: Well, that’s Richard Pryor in one of his specials.

SHANE GILLIS: I mean, it must happen.

JOE ROGAN: It happens. It happened to me. Like, he fucked me. I think I wouldn’t even notice if I got fucked, but I knew how much I was supposed to get. It wasn’t a lot of money. I wasn’t nobody.

SHANE GILLIS: $300, right?

MARK NORMAND: Right, bro.

JOE ROGAN: I was nobody back then. Also, it was one of the worst clubs to work in terms of crowd control.

MARK NORMAND: There was zero.

JOE ROGAN: Zero. Everybody was nuts.

ARI SHAFFIR: What about that Chinese place in Massachusetts?

JOE ROGAN: You remember that place?

ARI SHAFFIR: People just go— they were eating each other, they’re wrapping up their food while you’re on stage. Somebody comes on stage and takes a selfie with you.

JOE ROGAN: No, it wasn’t the Kowloon, it was the place in Western Massachusetts, right? Yeah, it was way out in the middle of nowhere. We only did one show there.

ARI SHAFFIR: They would just come on stage and be like, “We’re getting a selfie.”

JOE ROGAN: I think it’s a Bloomin’ Wright place. Yeah, there’s a Bloomin’ Wright gig.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, it was again too. Don’t leave. We’re all just gone.

JOE ROGAN: Me and Norman are hanging strong.

ARI SHAFFIR: Hell yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

JOE ROGAN: What are you talking about, bro? I have 2 beers. How dare you?

MARK NORMAND: This is my second one. Had a beer.

SHANE GILLIS: I got you 2 cups.

JOE ROGAN: I had 2 beers.

ARI SHAFFIR: No, and part of a soda instead of saying glasses.

MARK NORMAND: That fucking nicotine knocked me down for a minute. They’ll get you.

ARI SHAFFIR: You just said the C on that one.

MARK NORMAND: Huh?

ARI SHAFFIR: You said the C on that one instead of the G. Oh yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah, cut that.

Slurs, Ethnic Jokes, and Grant

JOE ROGAN: I was in the office of a club once, and we were getting paid. It was me and this kid. His name was— forget his last name. His name was Brian. He was a big, huge guy. He was blonde, and you’d never think he was Jewish. He didn’t look Jewish. And the owner of the club said something like, “I’m not trying to Jew you down.”

MARK NORMAND: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

JOE ROGAN: And he went crazy.

MARK NORMAND: He lost it.

JOE ROGAN: He went crazy and started screaming at this guy, “Fuck you, you fucking anti-Semitic,” because he didn’t realize this guy was Jewish, because Brian was jacked, way bigger than me. And I was like, oh my God, what am I gonna do here? I don’t want my friend to kill this guy.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: And also not much I can do.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, trying to get paid here, buddy.

JOE ROGAN: He’s trying to get paid. And it was just an expression that people would use.

ARI SHAFFIR: Like, I know what it’s from, but they don’t mean it like that.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, we use that all the time.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s the term.

JOE ROGAN: You know, it’s like gyp.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, you don’t think of gypsies when you say it, right? That’s the root word. You’re like, that’s fine. I didn’t realize that.

JOE ROGAN: It’s weird with certain nationalities we could completely make fun of them and it’s no issue at all. Like, “Stop being a guinea.” No one cares.

ARI SHAFFIR: What is that?

JOE ROGAN: Like wearing gold chains. “Look at you, look like a guinea.” Yeah, like wearing gold chains and a tank top.

ARI SHAFFIR: Guinea comes from an original potato.

MARK NORMAND: It doesn’t matter. They were lynched.

JOE ROGAN: In my grandfather’s day, it did. My grandfather told me horror stories about him being an immigrant from Italy and what he had to deal with going to school here in America, in New Jersey, and how different times were.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s crazy to think of anti-Polish, anti-Irish, anti-Italian.

MARK NORMAND: So specifically racism.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like, oh, it’s just whites.

MARK NORMAND: So everyone has to be Anglo, I guess, from England? What is the criteria to not get beat up?

JOE ROGAN: It was the thing, it was like people that were coming from these Latin countries, people that were coming from Mexico, Puerto Rico, people that are coming from Italy, the countries that were initially Latin countries, brown people.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: And Italians were thought of as brown people.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, but Irish aren’t brown. There were Irish people that were poor and then they were lower class.

JOE ROGAN: They were the people that were working in fucking factories and shops.

ARI SHAFFIR: Crazy to have that as your racism. Whites on whites.

MARK NORMAND: Whites on whites.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wow.

JOE ROGAN: A lot of Irish people were slaves.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Hey, right? Talk to it.

SHANE GILLIS: It was that level of drinking.

MARK NORMAND: You want to tell white people—

SHANE GILLIS: We were like usually a couple more beers ago. You know, the Irish.

JOE ROGAN: We was kings.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, we was kings.

MARK NORMAND: Well, you want to tell white people back then, “It’s gonna get worse. If you’re mad at this Irish guy, buckle up.”

ARI SHAFFIR: One day, one day they’re not even gonna read your scripts.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, you’re gonna hear like a la la la la coming soon.

JOE ROGAN: Man, I’m watching a—

MARK NORMAND: I don’t know what it is. Once I had a kid, I got way into history. I don’t know why. I’m watching all these presidential documentaries. Yes, on Netflix. Unbelievable.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, presidents rule.

MARK NORMAND: By the way, Ulysses S. Grant—

SHANE GILLIS: Grant’s my guy.

MARK NORMAND: I’m in love with this guy. Well, you know, you went to West Point.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, so it’s a shame.

SHANE GILLIS: I think I’ve said this also. They both— I talk about Grant every time.

JOE ROGAN: Give me some music, Jamie.

MARK NORMAND: I love Grant.

SHANE GILLIS: Grant rules.

ARI SHAFFIR: What do you say about it?

SHANE GILLIS: I’ll talk about Grant all day.

MARK NORMAND: Well, one cool thing was, during the war, he was a big general, and they would go, “Hey, what is this song?” It doesn’t have to have a fun song.

SHANE GILLIS: Goddamn, is it Ice Cream?

MARK NORMAND: I was in the middle of a story here.

JOE ROGAN: What about Grant? Yeah, we gotta give him some music for his show.

MARK NORMAND: All right, so Grant was that big general in the Union Army.

SHANE GILLIS: I hear somebody else talking about Grant, I get jealous and mad.

MARK NORMAND: He went to West Point, he went to college with a bunch of other guys who all got put into the war, and a lot of them were Confederate. So they’d be like, “We gotta go beat up, we gotta go kill a bunch of people at this fort in Georgia.” And he’s like, “Who’s the head guy over there?” And they’d go, “Whatever, Sherman.” And he’d go, “I went to school with that guy, he’s a pussy. We could take him.” So he knew everybody, so he’d be like, “Oh, I played ball with that guy, he’s a bitch.” He knew everybody.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s exactly what happened to Mark. You’re exactly right. That shit rocks.

MARK NORMAND: Amazing.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s like my favorite thing about Grant.

MARK NORMAND: I mean, you want to know some other cool things about Grant? Please.

SHANE GILLIS: We could talk Grant all day.

MARK NORMAND: He was kind of a loser for a while.

SHANE GILLIS: He was a loser.

MARK NORMAND: He tried every farm, all this shit.

SHANE GILLIS: Well, the big thing for him was after West Point, he went and fought in Mexico.

MARK NORMAND: Mexican War.

SHANE GILLIS: Yes, he was a great cavalryman, and he fought under Robert E. Lee alongside him in Mexico. And he saw him against the Mexicans and the Spanish.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, Americans against Mexicans. Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: Okay, but he found out that he remembers seeing Robert E. Lee being nervous before battle, which he’s gonna keep with him the rest of his life. But after the war, he gets sent out west, and because there’s no war, he’s just at a post. He misses his wife. He succumbs to the demon rum. He’s drinking. He gets kicked out of the Army for being a drunk, goes home, frees his slaves while he has $0. He married into slaves. His family, he came from abolitionist parents, but he married into— his wife’s family had slaves. When he gets home—

MARK NORMAND: Wow, you left out a part. He would free the slaves and he would bring them down to the courthouse and they’d go, “Dude, you can get like $2,000 for this guy.” He was like, “Nah, nah, nah, let him go.”

SHANE GILLIS: I was getting to it.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, sorry.

SHANE GILLIS: Then he frees the slaves. This is like the worst.

ARI SHAFFIR: This is worth like half one of these.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: And then he works at his father-in-law’s general store, right? He’s working as a fucking clerk, and the dad hated the general store.

MARK NORMAND: He was like, this guy’s a bum.

SHANE GILLIS: When the war breaks out, he is a fucking clerk. He’s working a register at a store when the war breaks out. By the end of the war, he’s controlling the entire Union Army.

MARK NORMAND: Exactly. 4 years, then becomes president.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s working the fucking register at a grocery store.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like a St. Louis Cardinals quarterback story.

SHANE GILLIS: It really is. The fucking man.

MARK NORMAND: And he was great on a horse, so he took the world by storm because he went out into the middle of the battlefield and did the thing where he goes on the side of the horse.

SHANE GILLIS: That was in Mexico. He definitely didn’t do that in the Civil War.

MARK NORMAND: Like the natives, he went on the side of the horse so they couldn’t shoot him, and then he popped up and killed a bunch of people. The guy was a complete badass.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s the man.

MARK NORMAND: And then just think of all those young guys who volunteered. You gotta think of these old wars. They don’t just have to fight. I have to go to a place.

SHANE GILLIS: I went to Fort Sumter on Saturday.

MARK NORMAND: No way.

SHANE GILLIS: I was standing there. No way.

MARK NORMAND: That’s crazy. Civil War.

JOE ROGAN: Wow. Do you know how bored people must have been back then? They were like, “Just put me in war, please.”

SHANE GILLIS: Well, there was that, but there’s always that. And that’s literally every war. Every single guy. Not all of them now, but it’s always been like it’s gonna be adventure, like in All Quiet on the Western Front.

JOE ROGAN: And it was something that they looked forward to romantically because of the way their grandparents talked about it and their fathers talked about— when people talked about war back then, it was a responsibility, a duty.

MARK NORMAND: Totally.

JOE ROGAN: A man stood up for his country. And also the country was so young.

MARK NORMAND: I know.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, you’re really fighting for something.

JOE ROGAN: But she was 100 years old.

MARK NORMAND: A lot of guys would desert.

JOE ROGAN: Not even 100 years old.

MARK NORMAND: Right?

JOE ROGAN: It’s sick of that. 1776. Yeah, it’s 100 years old, but they were so recent.

MARK NORMAND: FDR had 4 sons? They all went to war. So he’s like, “Ah shit, I’m starting a war with Germany. I gotta put my money where my mouth is. You’re sending your troops, I’ll send my 4 sons to war.” And then some died.

SHANE GILLIS: Jesus. Stalin. Stalin did that. Stalin had a—

MARK NORMAND: Well, he’s a psycho.

SHANE GILLIS: He had a policy of like—

JOE ROGAN: Dude, you made me read that book on Stalin. I started reading it. I got maybe a chapter in.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s the worst book of all time.

JOE ROGAN: I can’t do it.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s worse than Annie Jacobsen. It’s the worst book of all time. It’s called Bloodlands. It’s about the Eastern Front. It’s the worst.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s the Nazis.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s the Nazis and the Soviets and what happened to Belarus and Ukraine. And oof, madone, bro, they starved people. Ukraine’s Holodomor was one of the worst things that’s ever happened. So communism’s the gayest shit ever. Of course, somebody needs to look into how gay communism is.

JOE ROGAN: But isn’t it crazy that it’s making a comeback? Yeah, it always does. It’s a cycle.

SHANE GILLIS: The problem is, we cannot call it communism if we get free healthcare, right? That would be a good move.

MARK NORMAND: That would help a lot.

SHANE GILLIS: We’re calling everybody communist.

ARI SHAFFIR: Socialist, communist.

SHANE GILLIS: Free healthcare is cool. We should have that.

MARK NORMAND: It’s not normal.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s not communism.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you should treat the entire country like it’s a community. If you have a community, would you want the sickest person to fucking die who could be very valuable if you could take care of them? And do you have the resources to take care of them?

SHANE GILLIS: Of course you should.

JOE ROGAN: We’re a rich country. Exactly.

ARI SHAFFIR: You do it with libraries. It’s no big deal.

JOE ROGAN: This is the problem with capitalism.

MARK NORMAND: We don’t feel like a community.

JOE ROGAN: This is the reason why people turn on all these billionaires. They turn on them because— why do you have so much when people have so little? But it’s because it’s the game. It’s the game that they’re playing, and you’re playing the game too. You’re just not playing it at that level.

MARK NORMAND: But again, these rich people pay a lot and give a lot of services.

JOE ROGAN: But yeah, there’s that. But also the amount of money that they get is all going to corrupt people that are funneling into their own bank accounts. That’s the problem with running through Ireland. There’s too many nonprofits and NGOs, and you find out that the homeless people that are running the nonprofits in LA— somebody just sent me— here, I’ll send it to you, Jamie.

MARK NORMAND: I gotta get that Marshall Rogan coin.

JOE ROGAN: It’s so crazy when you look at the amount of money that is being paid to the people that run the homeless divisions. It’s fucking bananas. It’s insane amounts of money.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, we’re in a tough spot. The hobos—

JOE ROGAN: The CEO of the homeless thing in LA made $1.6 million in the last 2 years.

SHANE GILLIS: Wow.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: And the president makes $200 grand, and you’re doing a bad job.

JOE ROGAN: And you’re also doing a bad job. There’s no way someone could justify you getting a raise. There’s no way someone could justify you getting that salary when you’re objectively failing.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, but then you want to— people want higher minimum wage and stuff, but I’m like, that’s not gonna do it.

JOE ROGAN: Well, higher minimum wage is not the worst thing in the world.

MARK NORMAND: No, I’m not against it. I’m just saying that’s not gonna solve everything.

JOE ROGAN: Well, it won’t solve everything.

MARK NORMAND: It won’t solve everything.

JOE ROGAN: But if you were a person that had a lot of money and you knew that if you paid more taxes it was gonna go to make everybody feel better— the world would be better. The education would be better. People would have food. You would have free healthcare. Schools would have nutritious meals. LA shelter provider has paid CEO who lives in Hawaii $1.6 million in salary and vacation over 2 years. That’s bananas.

MARK NORMAND: 2 years.

JOE ROGAN: That is literally insane. So that’s a slush fund. That’s not someone doing it because they care. That’s someone doing it because it’s very profitable. And this is why they tried so hard to keep Spencer Pratt from being the mayor of LA, because he wanted to expose all that shit. And they mock him and make fun of him, and I did too, until you talk to him. You’re like, “Oh, he’s actually a very smart guy,” and he’s really well-read in this stuff. He really understands.

ARI SHAFFIR: Try to write him off.

JOE ROGAN: Well, also reality star. You know, he’s a grifter. But actually, they’re all grifters. Everyone’s making a shitload of money pretending that they care and not doing any good. No one is fixing anything. The thing just keeps getting worse.

MARK NORMAND: It is getting worse. Everything’s getting worse.

JOE ROGAN: They spent $24 billion on the homeless problem in California and it only got worse. And then when they tried to do an audit, Newsom vetoed it. He wouldn’t let them do an audit because everyone’s taking their piece. Everyone’s getting paid.

SHANE GILLIS: So Grant gets a hold of the army in the West. He starts making some noise out there. Lincoln’s going, “I got a bunch of these generals out east. They’re scared. They’re all scared of Robert E. Lee. I got fucking McClellan. McClellan’s a bum.”

MARK NORMAND: He’s a bum.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s afraid to move forward.

MARK NORMAND: Robert E. Lee was a good general.

SHANE GILLIS: Unbelievable.

MARK NORMAND: Okay, I’m from the South.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m not—

MARK NORMAND: What do you do with Grant?

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, we’ll fast forward. Eventually they go, “This guy’s been going nuts out on the West. Let’s bring him in.” And then he immediately is like, “I remember Robert E. Lee, he was just as scared as I am. I’m not afraid of him.” Everybody in the North was afraid of Robert E. Lee. They’re like, “This guy’s a genius, he’s gonna fuck us up.” Grant was the one guy that was like, “He’s just as afraid as I am. Also, we got more guys, we can turn this into a war of attrition real quick. Let’s see who loses more guys quicker.” And he just attacks. It’s wonderful.

MARK NORMAND: It’s unbelievable.

SHANE GILLIS: And then General Sherman, his boy. So they’re boys. Sherman and Grant are boys. And Sherman has a nice quote. He was like, “I helped out Grant when he was drunk. Grant helped me when I was crazy. We’re boys forever.” Sherman’s like, “Bro, let me get an army. Let me just march south and just fuck them up.” So these were the only 2 guys also that treated the South like these are traitors.

MARK NORMAND: Wow.

SHANE GILLIS: Like, the guys like McClellan, all these other guys, they were like, “These are gentlemen, Robert E. Lee’s a gentleman,” all this. Sherman and Grant were like, “Yo, fuck these guys, they’re traitors, they should be hung for what they’re doing, dude. They’re going against America, United States.”

JOE ROGAN: Could you imagine if Robert E. Lee won?

MARK NORMAND: It wasn’t that far off.

SHANE GILLIS: It was. We let him. We had— the North had kid gloves on.

MARK NORMAND: You think? I mean, they lost a lot of guys too.

SHANE GILLIS: We lost more than them, but even Shelby Foote, who’s a famed Southern historian, was like, the North was fighting with one-armed—

JOE ROGAN: What’s that, Jamie?

MARK NORMAND: Really?

SHANE GILLIS: Fucking badass sword.

MARK NORMAND: Is that at Hinchcliffe’s house? He said he was given this sword when he took over the Federal Army in 1864.

JOE ROGAN: It’s awesome.

MARK NORMAND: It’s been sold at auction though recently. Crazy.

ARI SHAFFIR: $4,000.

JOE ROGAN: How much?

MARK NORMAND: Uh, the last time it sold it was $5 million.

JOE ROGAN: No, it’s worth that much.

SHANE GILLIS: $4 grand in gold, but it’s worth it.

MARK NORMAND: Cheap. Yeah, it was not that much.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I got— I have Sherman’s map when he marched.

MARK NORMAND: Wow.

SHANE GILLIS: Through South Carolina with his pencil marks.

JOE ROGAN: How’d you get it?

SHANE GILLIS: Uh, Francis Ellis gave it to me.

MARK NORMAND: What?

JOE ROGAN: Whoa.

MARK NORMAND: Try showing a lady that who comes over. I do.

SHANE GILLIS: Like, I do.

JOE ROGAN: I go, “That was only $1.6 million?”

SHANE GILLIS: “Are you gonna kill me?” And I go, “Here’s my O.J. Simpson rushing trophy.” She’s definitely gonna kill me.

JOE ROGAN: That was only one. Jamie has O.J. Simpson’s golf clubs.

SHANE GILLIS: What? Well, me and Jamie were in the same auction. I got his rushing trophy, I got all of his ties.

JOE ROGAN: Jamie got the golf clubs.

MARK NORMAND: Kim Kardashian was in the same auction too.

JOE ROGAN: What was she trying to—

MARK NORMAND: She bought— who got the glove diary?

SHANE GILLIS: Me and her were bidding against each other.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, were you really?

SHANE GILLIS: Yes. And then I ended up winning a bunch of them. I had a couple drinks. I didn’t think I was gonna win all these. I won so I have an autographed picture of Bill Clinton and O.J. from Bill Clinton that’s like, “To my dear friend O.J.”

JOE ROGAN: Whoa.

SHANE GILLIS: And it was extremely expensive. And anytime somebody comes to my house, I go, “Check this out.” And they go, “Cool.”

MARK NORMAND: I go, “Fuck.” Oh, I’d get a photo with that.

JOE ROGAN: I’d be jazzed up. Yeah, I’d get hard as a rock. Look at that. There it is.

MARK NORMAND: There it is.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s the one I got.

MARK NORMAND: “To my dear friend.” That’s fun. My dear friend O.J. Simpson.

JOE ROGAN: He’s a big, tall, handsome man from SF, bro. It’s funny watching his old political speeches.

SHANE GILLIS: Legends.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, Police Academy.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, Nordberg.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, he’s great. Hertz commercials.

MARK NORMAND: Hertz commercial.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, he was in Police Academy. Yeah, Naked Gun.

ARI SHAFFIR: Naked Gun. Yeah, that’s what I meant.

JOE ROGAN: Same thing.

ARI SHAFFIR: Spin-off.

JOE ROGAN: Same shit.

MARK NORMAND: Sorry.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I wasn’t sure if he was in both. I wasn’t being a cunt.

MARK NORMAND: No. Could you make a movie like that today?

ARI SHAFFIR: Make a Naked Gun?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you could, but you’d have to finance it independently.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah, well, they remade it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, the answer is yes.

SHANE GILLIS: Could you make a movie like— you can make any movie today.

MARK NORMAND: All right, good, because I’m making one.

JOE ROGAN: Well, you know as much as anybody.

SHANE GILLIS: All they’re asking for is that.

MARK NORMAND: Me and Sam Morril wrote one. We’re shooting in October.

ARI SHAFFIR: Nice.

MARK NORMAND: What is it?

SHANE GILLIS: Everybody wants some.

MARK NORMAND: It’s just a raunchy ’80s style comedy. Yeah, we’re shooting. We got financing. I can’t believe somebody’s giving us money.

JOE ROGAN: Theo and David Spade just did one.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah, that was hilarious.

JOE ROGAN: I heard it was hilarious.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, yeah, it’s nice.

JOE ROGAN: It’s nice that people are doing shit like that.

MARK NORMAND: Well, yeah, the gatekeepers.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, Tires comes out.

JOE ROGAN: Fuck them.

MARK NORMAND: We’re doing season 3.

JOE ROGAN: Season 3. How much does that consume of you? Like, to—

MARK NORMAND: Good question.

SHANE GILLIS: What did I miss?

JOE ROGAN: What did I miss? How difficult is it to— I mean, it seems like a big—

MARK NORMAND: 3 months is quick.

ARI SHAFFIR: Gilly takes on a lot of it.

SHANE GILLIS: Keeves.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, right, right, right. Sorry, I’m a little drunk.

MARK NORMAND: He’s getting hit.

SHANE GILLIS: No, the rest of the guys— I mean, I help write, but I can do that from afar. McKeever writes a lot of it.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, so he’s a talent.

SHANE GILLIS: I just write it, I’ll show up, and he’s the train.

JOE ROGAN: So awesome. And it seems like Netflix has very little to say. You just kind of do it and give it to them. They’re so dope.

SHANE GILLIS: They’ve never changed anything.

MARK NORMAND: That’s so dope.

JOE ROGAN: Sarandos is so cool. He’s such a good dude. I’ve known that guy forever.

MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I did a Netflix special for them in 2005 when it was still like—

ARI SHAFFIR: 5?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, 5. It was discs. I might have been the first Netflix special. Phoenix, I think you were there. We did that show at the Improv in Tempe. We filmed it.

MARK NORMAND: Good club.

SHANE GILLIS: Because this is just a real conversation that me and Steve—

ARI SHAFFIR: Congratulations!

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, all right, thanks.

JOE ROGAN: Did you go down on her?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, a little.

MARK NORMAND: Not—

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, it’s like bare minimum is 15 minutes, planning for potentially 45.

SHANE GILLIS: 45 minutes? Who told you that?

ARI SHAFFIR: I read it.

SHANE GILLIS: You have a book about how to eat pussy? Every day you say shit that makes me— you’re giving me a headache. That’s Connor trying not to laugh. Gerbes had a book about how to eat pussy.

MARK NORMAND: Where’d he get it? Oh, that’s real.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, that’s all—

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: Whoa. Immediately into the script.

MARK NORMAND: Who wrote it? Whoa, can I get that book?

SHANE GILLIS: Uh, I forget. No offense, I’m not being anti-Semitic, obviously a Jewish person, but yeah, you guys are writers. You guys love— no, but you guys also love sexuality.

ARI SHAFFIR: Eating pussy.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, nothing wrong with it. Good at it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Black people, take notes.

MARK NORMAND: DJ Khaled.

SHANE GILLIS: Uh, and another one, but Gerbes has a book on how to eat pussy, and he talks about it a lot, and it bothers me immensely.

MARK NORMAND: Where’d he get the book? There’s no way.

JOE ROGAN: Oh my God, it’s called How to Eat Pussy.

MARK NORMAND: I mean, it could be.

SHANE GILLIS: Hold on, I do actually know the name of the book. It’s called She Comes First.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh no, I’ve heard of that book.

SHANE GILLIS: Of course you have.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like everybody poops right next to Anne Frank’s diary.

MARK NORMAND: Teach your children how to eat pussy. Jesus Christ.

SHANE GILLIS: She Comes First.

JOE ROGAN: There it is. Oh, is that a papaya?

MARK NORMAND: Yep. Kerner.

SHANE GILLIS: Gerbes sold 250,000 copies.

MARK NORMAND: Number one bestseller. That’s not great.

ARI SHAFFIR: Amazing.

JOE ROGAN: Insect instructions. Number one bestseller in pussy eating.

SHANE GILLIS: This shit pisses me off.

JOE ROGAN: The pussy eating genre, it bothers me.

SHANE GILLIS: And he’s like, “Well, yeah, I do that. And then I bring her home and then sometimes you just tickle the front at first.” You’re like, dude, disgusting. You have a playbook on this?

MARK NORMAND: Fuck you. So he is that guy.

SHANE GILLIS: Uh, no, I’m never acting. Wow, it’s totally—

ARI SHAFFIR: Is the most funny one.

SHANE GILLIS: She’s such trash.

ARI SHAFFIR: She does hilarious.

SHANE GILLIS: She does so well this season.

ARI SHAFFIR: Really? Yeah, that rules.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m excited for people to see that.

MARK NORMAND: Fun. You got Soderbergh in there?

SHANE GILLIS: Soderbergh’s in it this year.

JOE ROGAN: Is Ron White in it?

SHANE GILLIS: Ron White’s not in it.

JOE ROGAN: Not this season.

MARK NORMAND: What happened?

ARI SHAFFIR: Bobby Lee?

SHANE GILLIS: He just had one episode. Bobby Lee’s in it this season. Foley’s back. Stav. Foley killed it—

MARK NORMAND: Foley’s amazing.

SHANE GILLIS: Foley is so fucking funny.

MARK NORMAND: He’s a funny fucker.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s like the best guy ever.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, he’s a good hang. He rules.

SHANE GILLIS: He is the best hang.

MARK NORMAND: He’s got stories, but we can’t get into it.

SHANE GILLIS: We can get into something. No, look, me and him have already talked about this on a podcast. It’s like my favorite Foley story, because in Philly he was a demon. Yeah, like a fucking real demon. Him and Chris Cotton would fight. We’d go to the Raven Lounge, they would fistfight. Really? Every dude, they were— it was crazy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Everyone’s like each other.

SHANE GILLIS: Yes, everyone was on coke. The second somebody got on stage, Foley would blow up. 2 fat guys in the back were like, “Hey, shut the fuck up, fuck you.” But Foley had a thing. He was telling me the story about it. He brought home a hooker and he was—

MARK NORMAND: This is all cool to talk about? I don’t want to get the guy in trouble.

SHANE GILLIS: We’ve talked about it before.

ARI SHAFFIR: Foley has a podcast called Are You Garbage?

MARK NORMAND: I know.

SHANE GILLIS: He said he was on coke bouncing on a yoga ball. He’s like 400 pounds.

MARK NORMAND: Poor yoga ball.

SHANE GILLIS: According to his story, which is my favorite version, is he was smoking a cigarette. He’s got a hooker in there standing in front of him dancing in an empty room. He’s on a yoga ball and the cherry from the cigarette fell and popped the yoga ball.

MARK NORMAND: Wow.

SHANE GILLIS: And I was like, it might have been fun. I was like, “Brother, that was you.” I love the idea of a 400-pound guy on a flimsy chair. Maybe I like that shit. Boom! Just a fat guy on his back.

MARK NORMAND: That stripper got a good laugh. Hilarious. Or hooker, sorry.

SHANE GILLIS: He is fully fucking—

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s a treasure, man. He’s a national treasure.

JOE ROGAN: That’s all right, let’s bring this home.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh really?

MARK NORMAND: We’re gonna get it?

SHANE GILLIS: What do you want to do? You got a 7 o’clock show.

JOE ROGAN: I gotta pee.

ARI SHAFFIR: Go pee.

JOE ROGAN: All right, I’ll be back.

SHANE GILLIS: Let’s keep it going. Yeah, I’m drunk enough. Could you hand me a beer?

MARK NORMAND: And for the record, sir, I beat Rogan on the whiz.

SHANE GILLIS: We’re doing well.

MARK NORMAND: Delete the first hour, it was worthless.

SHANE GILLIS: Jamie, bring up Jeremiah Love touchdown highlights and just play in the back. We’ll talk about other shit.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a good whiskey there. Bodega Cat.

SHANE GILLIS: I love Bodega Cat.

MARK NORMAND: Get a bottle. I have a bottle.

ARI SHAFFIR: I stole one from your studio last time. I was like, I might be drunk.

SHANE GILLIS: I just like to grab whatever I could.

ARI SHAFFIR: I was like, I’m just in New York for a month and I don’t want to buy a bottle of liquor.

MARK NORMAND: Don’t give this guy an apartment in London, he’ll steal from you.

ARI SHAFFIR: They’re doing it. They’re not giving me one.

SHANE GILLIS: I love you calling yourself an immigrant.

ARI SHAFFIR: So fun.

SHANE GILLIS: So fun, bro. It pisses me off every time.

MARK NORMAND: It’s so fun. Technically it’s true. Yeah, that’s why he’s doing it.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, there’s no immigration problem in London. Actually, it’s very difficult to get a house as an immigrant. Yeah, shut up.

ARI SHAFFIR: I love it. You also tell them, “You know, soccer, the term came from you guys.” Well, that’s association. And they go, “It’s football.” I’m like, “That’s not according to you though.”

MARK NORMAND: That’s true.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s fun.

ARI SHAFFIR: I love calling them on their shit. It’s so fun.

MARK NORMAND: Those soccer games are amazing. Isn’t it? Well played.

SHANE GILLIS: Also, by the way, college football destroys soccer.

ARI SHAFFIR: What? Oh, that?

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, all right. Yo, let’s just watch my guy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wow.

SHANE GILLIS: Look at the Catholic royalty in the uniform.

ARI SHAFFIR: Bro, look up Kane highlights.

MARK NORMAND: That is a white outfit.

SHANE GILLIS: I’ve seen Harry Kane. I’ve seen all of his fucking bitch-ass highlights.

ARI SHAFFIR: Harry Kane is good. Harry Kane, he spits when he talks. MARK NORMAND: And Bellingham, he’s a sexy, sexy player.

ARI SHAFFIR: Just lost fucking Jed.

MARK NORMAND: Huh?

ARI SHAFFIR: They gave up Spence.

MARK NORMAND: I don’t know what that means.

SHANE GILLIS: This is wonderful stuff.

MARK NORMAND: There you go.

SHANE GILLIS: Watch this one. You guys are gonna like this.

ARI SHAFFIR: They didn’t show—

SHANE GILLIS: You’re gonna like it.

ARI SHAFFIR: This is Barry Sanders shit.

SHANE GILLIS: Knockdown, knockdown.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa, I’ve never seen that move.

SHANE GILLIS: Knockdown.

MARK NORMAND: He did a full Foley yoga ball on that guy.

SHANE GILLIS: You’re gonna like this.

ARI SHAFFIR: 5 after.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s good, Jamie.

MARK NORMAND: So wait, you were shooting arrows?

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, you were shooting arrows just 2 hours today? Yeah, today.

ARI SHAFFIR: Does your arm get worn out?

SHANE GILLIS: No, I was playing MLB The Show.

JOE ROGAN: I do it constantly. I’m used to doing it.

MARK NORMAND: Really? How’s the bullseye?

JOE ROGAN: It’s great.

ARI SHAFFIR: You stuff your kills?

JOE ROGAN: What’s that?

ARI SHAFFIR: Stuff your kills?

JOE ROGAN: Stuff them? No, no, I turn them into euro mounts. It’s just the skull with the antler.

ARI SHAFFIR: Nice.

MARK NORMAND: Now let me ask you, if you hit a guy with an arrow, how would it kill him?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, 100%. I don’t know if it kills us. We can find out.

MARK NORMAND: Does it kill an elk?

SHANE GILLIS: Yes, it kills it.

MARK NORMAND: Well, you got a fucking high-powered crazy— I’m talking about a bow and arrow. A bow and arrow, 100%.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s how they killed every Belgian immigrant.

JOE ROGAN: Oh my God, this is a crazy question.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s how most people died.

MARK NORMAND: Well, have you seen The Odyssey? The guy gets hit with 18 arrows and he’s walking away.

SHANE GILLIS: I know it’s a movie.

MARK NORMAND: That movie, that part, I like the movie, but that part bothers me.

JOE ROGAN: There’s also black Greeks.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, good point, Joe. Good point.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, definitely. 100% can kill a person.

SHANE GILLIS: You know what I just watched last night was The Northman. I saw it in theaters and didn’t like it when I saw it the first time.

MARK NORMAND: It’s on a plane.

SHANE GILLIS: I don’t know what happened. It’s just fun.

MARK NORMAND: It’s all fun.

SHANE GILLIS: I rewatched it last night. It’s so sick.

JOE ROGAN: It’s so sick.

MARK NORMAND: It’s a good time.

JOE ROGAN: It’s one of the sickest movies. Eggers is the man. Robert Eggers is the fucking man.

ARI SHAFFIR: Was he the actor or director?

JOE ROGAN: Director. He did Nosferatu.

SHANE GILLIS: Did he do The Witch?

JOE ROGAN: Yes.

SHANE GILLIS: And he’s doing Werewolf.

ARI SHAFFIR: The Witch is really good.

SHANE GILLIS: Werewolf’s gonna be awesome.

JOE ROGAN: It’s gonna be sick. Everything he’s done rules.

SHANE GILLIS: Nosferatu fucking ruled. The Witch ruled.

MARK NORMAND: Movies are bad.

JOE ROGAN: Nosferatu’s the greatest vampire movie of all time.

MARK NORMAND: Of all time.

JOE ROGAN: Bram Stoker’s Dracula was great. Nosferatu took it to a totally new level.

MARK NORMAND: Lighthouse was fun.

SHANE GILLIS: Lighthouse.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, that’s right. Nosferatu is for sure—

ARI SHAFFIR: Hansel and Gretel, I never saw that one. By the way, Obsession was one of the best movies of all time.

MARK NORMAND: Brothers was killer.

ARI SHAFFIR: Obsession was so fucking good.

SHANE GILLIS: Can we say how funny Obsession was though? The first half?

ARI SHAFFIR: It was so funny.

SHANE GILLIS: When it’s just like clearly this is having a nightmare girlfriend. The scene where he’s like, they’re like, “Dude, it’s guys’ night.” And he’s like, “I don’t care. I’m not afraid to tell her.” He’s like, “Okay, tell her then.” He’s in his car and he hangs up and then scary music starts playing. And then he goes inside and he’s like, “So, I think I’m gonna go over to Tim’s.” She’s like, “Okay, great, I’ll get ready.” And he’s like, “It’s just gonna be the guys.” And she’s like, “Ah, well—” When she’s all in there, it’s just regular life.

JOE ROGAN: I don’t know why she taped over the door. Hilarious. There’s a slow build to complete insanity in the scene in the car. Yeah, she kills the other girl.

MARK NORMAND: That girl was so good. She’s unbelievable. She’s gonna go far.

JOE ROGAN: She ruled. And that’s the crazy thing about it is no one was known overnight.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: She can’t walk down the street anymore. She’s friends with a comic in New York. She came into the Cellar once and it was like, getting from wherever they were on 6th to the Cellar took like 40 minutes.

SHANE GILLIS: Wow.

MARK NORMAND: No, that—

SHANE GILLIS: It was like we went with Kanye and it wasn’t that—

ARI SHAFFIR: He took the car around to the store. Come on, he didn’t walk with us, did he? Come on, did he walk with us?

SHANE GILLIS: We walked from—

ARI SHAFFIR: Did he walk with us?

SHANE GILLIS: Yes.

ARI SHAFFIR: I don’t remember that. We were walking, me, you, Louie, Rock, Chappelle. I don’t remember Kanye walking with us.

SHANE GILLIS: And Kanye was—

ARI SHAFFIR: Wow, it was so fucking cool.

JOE ROGAN: That’s a great photo. Somebody should have got ahead of you guys and took a photo. The funniest.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, it was so funny.

The Kanye Comedy Cellar Night

SHANE GILLIS: Group of dudes of all time. This is how funny Tommy Pope is. It was me and my buddies. We got there first and Tommy is obliterated from the flight.

ARI SHAFFIR: Mm-hmm.

SHANE GILLIS: And then Kanye comes in— or no, Chappelle comes in first. He’s sitting with us and he’s like, “Kanye’s here, we should talk to Kanye.” And I was like, “Yeah, please, obviously.” And then Kanye comes and sits with us and then walks away. Anyway, we hang out with Kanye all night. The next morning, Tommy’s like, “I’d love to meet Kanye. That’d be awesome.” You hung out with him all night, you drunk fuck. You spent the whole night with him.

ARI SHAFFIR: Jeez, it was so fucking cool. They weren’t trying to meet us. He just showed up. Rock showed up. Louie showed up.

SHANE GILLIS: No, then he goes, “Rock and Louie are here.” I was like, “Bring them down.”

ARI SHAFFIR: What? Okay. And then Chappelle’s like, “I’m gonna smoke a joint.” Sam Jay went back there, and I was like, “I think I kind of want to go back there and smoke a joint with them.” And then Shane’s like, “Well, you can’t go now.” I’m like, “Why not?” “You didn’t see who went back there?” I’m like, “No.” “Kanye went.” It would seem like I’m going just for that.

SHANE GILLIS: And then I went.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: But yeah, it was hard wrangling them to be like— because I was the one that was like, “We should probably do stand-up tonight, right, fellas? Because it’s you guys.”

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: And the only one that was definitely down was Kanye. Kanye was like, “Yes.”

MARK NORMAND: Oh, that’d be fun.

SHANE GILLIS: Did he go on? No, he just stood.

ARI SHAFFIR: He did. He stood on the stage for a second.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah. Weird.

SHANE GILLIS: But he was the one.

JOE ROGAN: How long ago was this?

ARI SHAFFIR: May. It was in May. So Chappelle goes on. At first my idea was like, “I’m gonna just go up and bring Shane on.” Then Chappelle’s like, “I’m gonna host.”

MARK NORMAND: Look at that. Oh yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Chappelle goes on and does 7 minutes.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, this is LA.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Chappelle goes on and does 7 minutes. Nicole was on, had no idea who was in the back, which was all these guys. And so we’re in the back row and it’s Shane in Mitzi’s chair, Louie right next to him, or vice versa. I’m right there and they go, “Hey, Kanye’s people need these chairs.” And Louie and Shane were like, at first we’re just comics, like, “Oh, okay.” And they looked at each other and they just go, “No, we’re comics.”

MARK NORMAND: What a list. It’s a cancel fest. I love it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Chappelle went on, did 7 minutes, and he goes, “It’s a cancel comedy cavalcade.” He brought up Shane, did his roast jokes. He goes, “It gets better. This next guy was a horrible person to women,” brings up Louie, and then he goes, “This next guy is even worse, spoke about someone’s wife and got slapped in the face for it.” Chris Rock. This is midnight and onwards.

MARK NORMAND: Oh my God, there was a crowd going bananas.

ARI SHAFFIR: It was the 27 of them and they were like, “What the fuck?” And then Barris closed it out.

JOE ROGAN: Isn’t that amazing? Only 27 people saw that?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, that’s a—

SHANE GILLIS: Don Barris killed.

MARK NORMAND: Killed. That’s a funny son of a bitch.

SHANE GILLIS: Followed and killed.

MARK NORMAND: Wow.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh dude, they were in the back. Kanye’s got the— “Give me the aux.” He’s just playing unreleased tracks.

SHANE GILLIS: What?

ARI SHAFFIR: Stuff he likes and then his own stuff that’s unreleased.

MARK NORMAND: Damn, that’s amazing.

ARI SHAFFIR: He explained his mania.

MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, he was like—

ARI SHAFFIR: He goes, “Guys, it wasn’t about the Jews. It could have been about immigrants, about gays.” Because Chappelle, “I went after you. I was crazy.”

MARK NORMAND: I was crazy.

ARI SHAFFIR: “Oh, that’s cool. Because I wasn’t in my right mind.” I’m next to Charles and he just goes— he points at me. He goes, “That guy has a bit about it.” And I was like, “Wait, what?” Charles is like, “Yeah, did you hear that?” I’m like, “I thought I did. Did he just say that guy has a bit about it?” Yeah, it was so fucking cool.

MARK NORMAND: That’s bananas.

ARI SHAFFIR: Everyone’s up there. Ross is back there. Khalyla’s there.

SHANE GILLIS: It was great. It was a great hodgepodge of opinions on Judaism.

ARI SHAFFIR: It really was. Chappelle was like, “You were trying to get Kanye.” He’s like, “I think I should play Israel.”

JOE ROGAN: He’s like, “You can’t play a totalitarian regime.”

SHANE GILLIS: I was the only one that was like, “Hey, don’t do that.”

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, he goes, “You can’t play a totalitarian—” I was like, “Didn’t you go to Saudi Arabia?”

JOE ROGAN: No, that was a great festival, dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: I had to pick up my luggage from your hotel right afterwards.

JOE ROGAN: How was this? How’d you go to Saudi?

MARK NORMAND: It was— I would go again.

ARI SHAFFIR: Good show.

MARK NORMAND: I mean, I got a world of shit, but it was so fun.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, but I feel like you skated more than anybody.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I didn’t know.

ARI SHAFFIR: You never stood for anything.

MARK NORMAND: I don’t understand for anything. They said you can’t talk about this.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, you don’t stand for shit, so you’re not a hypocrite, right?

MARK NORMAND: They said you can’t talk about this.

ARI SHAFFIR: They gave you a list of stuff and you’re like, how many bits about that?

MARK NORMAND: I was like, “Oh, okay, this is like half my act.” Like what? Everything. You can’t fuck with the government, can’t fuck with trans, can’t fuck with gay, can’t do this.

ARI SHAFFIR: Why?

MARK NORMAND: Trans?

JOE ROGAN: No trans or gay jokes?

SHANE GILLIS: You can’t support trans or gay people.

MARK NORMAND: Support, right?

JOE ROGAN: So that was fine. That’s what they said.

MARK NORMAND: No, stuff like that.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, just a mothership set, right? Just the contract you sign when you do the mothership.

MARK NORMAND: But I got on stage in blood. Everybody got in my head like, “Be careful out there, man, they’re gonna chop your hands off, it’s gonna be crazy.” And I was like, “You’re a shoplifter.” Yeah, that’s true.

ARI SHAFFIR: Uh, so I got there and I’m like, I land on the plane, Saudi Arabia.

MARK NORMAND: No, no. Not that crazy. I got one Clif Bar from Hudson News, but I landed and I’m like, “Women are driving? This place has gone to shit.” Like, the whole thing was— it’s all a ruse. It’s not that crazy.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: So then I got to the hotel and I did one night because I was like, “I better get in, better get out, they’re gonna kill me.” And it was great. They couldn’t have been more hospitable. And I did the show and I was like, “Oh God, what am I gonna talk about? My whole act is cut in half.” And then you’re on stage and you get in that rhythm and you just do your act, because it’s all you know. I just did my act and I did everything they said not to do and it was fine. I did Muslim jokes. I was like, “You guys get high? What do you, stone each other?” You know, shit like that. They’re like— they were the best crowd ever. They were so nice. It was great. And I got the hell out of there.

JOE ROGAN: Well, imagine like you’ve never had comedy there and all of a sudden you have the best comics in the world.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Kind of crazy.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, there were some great comics there. I mean, you saw the list.

ARI SHAFFIR: No, nobody was reporting.

JOE ROGAN: Shane said no. I said no. Tony said no too. They offered Tony a lot of money. He said no.

ARI SHAFFIR: So funny. They went after the right-wing comics and the right-wing comics are the only ones that said no. And then in the roast, they’re like, “These right-wing comics—”

JOE ROGAN: It was only Chelsea. And somebody probably wrote that. The whole thing was ridiculous. It was a total straw man.

SHANE GILLIS: She’s doing— you’re right.

JOE ROGAN: Super, super good.

SHANE GILLIS: Chelsea, I think she’s doing good. I liked her. We had a nice time together.

MARK NORMAND: She had a good set. She killed.

JOE ROGAN: It’s all the stuff she says when you’re not around.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, once you leave, that’s when she starts chirping. But she was very nice in person.

JOE ROGAN: That’s the problem with a lot of people. That’s why social media sucks.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, it brings it out of you.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s all these people that shit on Joe Rogan and they go on his podcast and don’t say shit.

MARK NORMAND: You’re signaling. You got to signal.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you’re signaling. And then you have to signal after you leave. Fuck off.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, you knew who was on it when you signed up. You go to an orgy, you can’t be mad you got jizzed on.

ARI SHAFFIR: Could just not have gone.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, it’s a good point.

MARK NORMAND: Well, I have a point.

SHANE GILLIS: All right, guys, are you guys— let’s talk a little college football.

JOE ROGAN: What about—

MARK NORMAND: We gotta get back to Grant.

SHANE GILLIS: We can talk Grant. We talk Civil War all day.

MARK NORMAND: Are we going on tonight? What’s the plan here?

SHANE GILLIS: Well, I ain’t.

ARI SHAFFIR: We’re drinking for DeRosa.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, we got DeRosa coming out.

JOE ROGAN: What are you guys going for?

ARI SHAFFIR: Joe DeRosa is on Netflix for the first time.

JOE ROGAN: No, he did the show yesterday.

MARK NORMAND: That is a great fucking special. Great special. No humor involved.

JOE ROGAN: He was on the show last night too. He killed—

MARK NORMAND: He is a funny Egyptian adopted person.

JOE ROGAN: Fun dude too. Fun to hang out with.

ARI SHAFFIR: Too fun. Best drinker most of the time.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s a great hang. He can be a little baby every once in a while.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, absolutely.

ARI SHAFFIR: We’ll have to have a heart-to-heart with you once in a while.

SHANE GILLIS: Nobody loves a heart-to-heart.

ARI SHAFFIR: Heart-to-heart. Are we doing that now?

MARK NORMAND: I’m adopted.

JOE ROGAN: He’s also whatever.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s also the most minuscule thing on Earth.

ARI SHAFFIR: When you’re too drunk and he’s like, “Come on, let’s do shots.” I’m like, “Dude, we’re so bombed, this is such a bad idea.” And he’s like, “Fucking pussy, do a shot.” He’s gone 9 minutes later at KFC and he’s asleep.

MARK NORMAND: He loves KFC.

ARI SHAFFIR: He loves it.

SHANE GILLIS: 20 years, but KFC rules.

MARK NORMAND: But here’s what a dirtbag he is. We got drunk one night, this is 10 years ago in New York, and he’s like, “We got to go to KFC.” I was like, uh, and the only one open was in Penn Station. So it’s me and him in Penn Station at like 4 in the morning eating next to a homeless guy. It was the saddest night of my life. And he’s like, “This is the best KFC. I’ve tried them all. This one’s good.”

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s great.

SHANE GILLIS: Savannah KFC. Penn Station.

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s the Anthony Bourdain— the best is during COVID because he was in the neighborhood when it was noon and you’re like, “Hey, they’re serving beers outside.” He goes, “I’ll meet you in 10.” No one’s doing anything and DeRosa was just always down to booze.

MARK NORMAND: Always easiest guy to convince. Oh, there’s one little pushback and you go, “I got a shot.” And he’s like, “All right, I got a business meeting later.”

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like, “You sure?” He goes, “I’ll meet you.”

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, how are those Voodoo Rangers treating you?

JOE ROGAN: They’re good. They’re solid. I like them.

MARK NORMAND: All right.

ARI SHAFFIR: All right.

MARK NORMAND: That was good.

SHANE GILLIS: One more beer.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Come on, guys.

JOE ROGAN: That’s all.

MARK NORMAND: That’s all.

JOE ROGAN: That’s all. Do a fucking—

SHANE GILLIS: Hey, J-Mo, you want to queue up a birthday song by Drake?

JOE ROGAN: Uh, one of these things. Hey, did Bert—

MARK NORMAND: Did Bert get back on— I know Brad Pitt’s drinking, which is exciting. Shout out to BP.

SHANE GILLIS: Didn’t even know— Voodoo was sick. Yo, you’re gonna bong a Voodoo Ranger?

MARK NORMAND: Oh man, that’s like chugging gravy.

JOE ROGAN: That’s hard.

SHANE GILLIS: Chugging gravy. Yeah, play this for Joe’s birthday.

MARK NORMAND: It’s a celebration. Wait, is Bert back on the wagon? I don’t think so.

JOE ROGAN: I think he’s still not drinking.

ARI SHAFFIR: No way.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, he’s still not—

ARI SHAFFIR: He was off in July.

JOE ROGAN: No, look, he had some serious fucking health issues.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, for 30 years.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but he had crazy blood clots. Obesity, blood clot, 3 vaccinations.

ARI SHAFFIR: I said that, that was funny.

JOE ROGAN: He took 3 of those fucking mRNA vaccines.

MARK NORMAND: Now Conor McGregor’s trying to piggyback.

ARI SHAFFIR: Conor McGregor stopped doing alcohol.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s so funny.

ARI SHAFFIR: I switched off coke and went back to alcohol.

MARK NORMAND: He doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

JOE ROGAN: He’s basically selling his stout. He has, uh, another, right? Black Forge. Yeah, gentlemen, happy birthday!

ARI SHAFFIR: Happy birthday, man!

MARK NORMAND: You’re gonna be 60 soon. That’s crazy.

SHANE GILLIS: Damn, that was good.

ARI SHAFFIR: That was fast.

MARK NORMAND: You still got it fully leveled.

SHANE GILLIS: That was a fresh one.

MARK NORMAND: That was cool, bro.

SHANE GILLIS: Yes, Joe.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I’m used to the cold plunge. I can take cold temperatures.

SHANE GILLIS: Wow. Down your throat.

JOE ROGAN: Ah, better than Hot Ones. Hot and thick.

MARK NORMAND: It’s a good show.

JOE ROGAN: Ah, I haven’t done it.

MARK NORMAND: What? Yeah, what are you waiting for?

SHANE GILLIS: I did it.

JOE ROGAN: It’s a ridiculous way to answer questions.

MARK NORMAND: I hated it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Hot Ones?

SHANE GILLIS: Really?

JOE ROGAN: How so? You eat the hot wings and you answer questions?

SHANE GILLIS: I was hungover, and wings are perfect for that. I always eat wings.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, but it’s actually great.

SHANE GILLIS: The wings were great.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, that’s nice.

SHANE GILLIS: And he’s very nice. He’s the man.

JOE ROGAN: He’s a very nice guy. I met him at the Store.

SHANE GILLIS: It was just— yeah, he’s the man. I just suck at that type of— I’m not good at that.

JOE ROGAN: It’s a crazy way to do a conversation where you’re dying from fucking sauce.

ARI SHAFFIR: The best was Conan. Conan called in his own medical staff.

MARK NORMAND: He killed it.

ARI SHAFFIR: He was so good.

JOE ROGAN: He really did.

ARI SHAFFIR: Medical staff? Yeah, it was like he rubbed hot sauce all over his face.

MARK NORMAND: It was chugging milk.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, it was great.

SHANE GILLIS: I was crushing the milk. Milk helps. Yeah, he’s drinking a lot of milk.

JOE ROGAN: You should really get raw milk where all the cream’s in it. That’s the move. That’ll really coat your throat.

MARK NORMAND: What about—

ARI SHAFFIR: You get raw milk? Where do you get raw milk?

SHANE GILLIS: I drink it every week.

ARI SHAFFIR: Where do you get it?

JOE ROGAN: Get it at a farmer’s market.

SHANE GILLIS: The Amish, brother.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I drink raw milk. I drink a gallon of raw milk every week.

MARK NORMAND: You know what I like about the Amish?

SHANE GILLIS: So good.

MARK NORMAND: The Amish are cool because they don’t force it on anybody. They do their own bullshit. They’re in the buggy, they’re churning butter.

ARI SHAFFIR: They don’t want to push it on us.

MARK NORMAND: Unlike communists.

JOE ROGAN: The only people in the Amish community that have autism are adopted kids that were already vaccinated.

ARI SHAFFIR: Dude, they said if you switch off lactose, it cures autism in a lot of people, but that’s probably not the raw. It’s the non-raw.

JOE ROGAN: No, it’s that they’re not vaccinated. They don’t take kids and jab them up filled with aluminum and fucking mercury.

ARI SHAFFIR: Milk is also a thing for autism.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: What?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, and it might be the non-raw milk because no one drinks raw milk.

JOE ROGAN: Well, milk, I think the issue with milk is it does autism. Yeah, the children that they’ve found that have autism are the ones who were adopted. They just don’t go to the doctor, right?

SHANE GILLIS: That’s it. They don’t have anything.

JOE ROGAN: That’s actually a good point.

SHANE GILLIS: They don’t go. That’s impossible.

JOE ROGAN: However, the instances of autism are significantly lower. Jamie works for the Fed.

ARI SHAFFIR: He does compromise.

SHANE GILLIS: I grew up around these people and they’re certainly autistic. Without a doubt autistic.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: Up next to Lancaster. We would drive by them, they’d be in their buggies, we’d roll down the window, play music real loud, be like, “How do you like a taste of the good life, you sack of shit?”

JOE ROGAN: Well, they’re allowed to escape and do that— what’s it called? Rumspringa? Yeah, you ever see that documentary?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, documentary about it.

JOE ROGAN: It’s kind of crazy.

SHANE GILLIS: Girls go off.

JOE ROGAN: So you watch these kids just go fucking nutty for a year, for 2 straight years, back-to-back Notre Dame games.

SHANE GILLIS: Indiana has some Amish, and they would go to Notre Dame football games and tailgate. The guys that were on Rumspringa— you can be on Rumspringa as long as you want.

JOE ROGAN: It’s not like one year, but you can only do it once, and then you come back.

SHANE GILLIS: You get as long as you want. You can go until you’re like 45 and be like, “All right, I’m coming back.”

MARK NORMAND: Wow.

SHANE GILLIS: These boys were getting active, and they are fully autistic. Dude, Joe, not only are you wrong, every single one of these boys was autistic. Fucking bowl cuts. Like, we’re getting shit-housed.

JOE ROGAN: Are you sure that they’re not just completely isolated from the regular world?

SHANE GILLIS: Yoked, dude. These are the strongest dudes.

MARK NORMAND: Well, they’re building barns, bro.

JOE ROGAN: They’re carrying logs.

SHANE GILLIS: So strong. And their faces, dude. Jamie, bring up those Amish guys that got arrested. It’ll come up. Amish mugshots. Wait till you see the faces these boys have. They’re fucking wild looking, dude.

MARK NORMAND: They look—

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s such a good line to walk in on. Bring up those Amish dudes who got arrested.

SHANE GILLIS: They’re all dressed in red.

JOE ROGAN: Whoa, his chin is like a sheepherder in England, you know, 1700s.

SHANE GILLIS: You know how nasty that O-line is? You get fucking 5 of those motherfuckers.

MARK NORMAND: That guy.

JOE ROGAN: Wow, it’s interesting, like, why the religious fanatics always go with the beard, no mustache.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, why not a mustache?

JOE ROGAN: Let it all go. It’s weird. Beard, no mustache is strange.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s a sick look.

JOE ROGAN: What is beard, no mustache? What’s the significance?

SHANE GILLIS: And an orange jumpsuit.

JOE ROGAN: Dude, you’re a little guy on the far right.

MARK NORMAND: Look at that. Yeah, you’re right, they go off the steps.

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s Oliver Tree’s parents.

JOE ROGAN: Beard?

SHANE GILLIS: No. Shout out. Shout out.

MARK NORMAND: All right, baby. What a mensch.

JOE ROGAN: He died in a plane crash, right?

ARI SHAFFIR: Helicopter in Brazil. He ruled all the way through.

SHANE GILLIS: He was the man. He was the best.

MARK NORMAND: But you know those Amish I saw? I used to see them in Wawa all the time. Those kids?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, they look Amish, but they’re not.

JOE ROGAN: Do you remember when we were doing a gig in western Massachusetts and we pulled into a rest stop and there were those Mennonite ladies, and you go, “What are you into? What is this?” And they were so nervous. They’re like these crazy religious ladies. And Diaz was like, “Look at fucking Ari over there scaring the fuck out of these white people. What are we doing?” He’s like, “What are you doing?”

ARI SHAFFIR: What is this?

JOE ROGAN: “What cult are you in?” It was so funny. You were so aggressive.

SHANE GILLIS: I wasn’t trying to be.

MARK NORMAND: I’m just awkward. But you’re just like, you’re looming.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m 6’3.

SHANE GILLIS: You’re a fucking dork.

JOE ROGAN: You’re looming over these poor ladies. They’re wearing pilgrim outfits and shit. You’re looming over them. It was so funny. I was like, Ari’s the best.

ARI SHAFFIR: “I shouldn’t even talk to men.” And I’m like, “Come on, give me answers.”

JOE ROGAN: You can send Ari in. He would do anything. He was shameless.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, those are the days.

JOE ROGAN: That’s why Amazing Race— this was so funny.

MARK NORMAND: Who’s next? That was great.

JOE ROGAN: Your next—

SHANE GILLIS: Mark hasn’t had one.

MARK NORMAND: Mark, I’m not good at it.

SHANE GILLIS: What does that mean?

JOE ROGAN: I gotta—

MARK NORMAND: Guys, I gotta learn.

JOE ROGAN: Who gets good at this?

ARI SHAFFIR: You’re good at it.

MARK NORMAND: You guys are going—

JOE ROGAN: This isn’t chess.

ARI SHAFFIR: Second worst.

JOE ROGAN: You’re real good at it.

SHANE GILLIS: You were the best at it.

ARI SHAFFIR: You were the best at it. Shane’s second, I’m third.

JOE ROGAN: He’s— wait, the quickness, bro?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, you open up your throat like you’ve had that happen before.

JOE ROGAN: You know what’s crazy is, is Combs. We shotgun together, and I’m like, that doesn’t even make any sense. How did— what are you, a whale? How did you open your mouth up and swallow Jonah?

SHANE GILLIS: By the way, you’re a bitch for rolling cigarettes. Why? It’s just gay. It pisses me off.

ARI SHAFFIR: How would I do it?

JOE ROGAN: DeRosa gave me these.

ARI SHAFFIR: I know what those are. I’m gonna roll my own.

JOE ROGAN: Why do that when you get a filter?

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s tryhard. I have a filter.

SHANE GILLIS: It is tryhard.

ARI SHAFFIR: I have a filter. I made my own filter. This is the way the Indians did it.

JOE ROGAN: The Indians?

MARK NORMAND: The Indians?

ARI SHAFFIR: Your anger is why I do this.

JOE ROGAN: The Indians didn’t use paper, you fucking retard. You don’t know shit. That’s my people. Don’t talk shit.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s working, bro.

MARK NORMAND: What, you’re half Cherokee? No.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, I wish I was. Be fun to say.

MARK NORMAND: You’d be mentioning it by now.

JOE ROGAN: My land.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, my people, my squaw.

SHANE GILLIS: You were good at it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Thanks. That was the best one I’ve ever done.

JOE ROGAN: I just identify with that.

MARK NORMAND: Really? Look at the arrows.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, you got the arrows.

JOE ROGAN: Also live in Texas. This is Comanche land. These are the wildest Indians ever in this spot.

MARK NORMAND: Oh really?

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, there’s a great book. You want to read a great book? Empire of the Summer Moon. Fucking insane book.

ARI SHAFFIR: Made the movie, right?

SHANE GILLIS: The best.

JOE ROGAN: Uh, no, that was that other one. What was that one, Jamie?

SHANE GILLIS: Hostiles had a little bit of it.

JOE ROGAN: That was the Cormac McCarthy one, right?

SHANE GILLIS: Blood Meridian.

JOE ROGAN: Blood Meridian. No, no, no, it wasn’t that. It was the one with Leonardo DiCaprio.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh yeah, that had nothing to do with the Comanche.

JOE ROGAN: I know, but that was the name of the movie. That was one, but there was another one, the later one.

MARK NORMAND: Killers of the Flower Moon.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s right, that has nothing to do with the Comanche.

JOE ROGAN: Right, right. It was a confusion. So Empire of the Summer Moon is all about the Comanche and about how they controlled Texas and Oklahoma.

MARK NORMAND: Like, you—

JOE ROGAN: There was impossible to pass. This is how fucked up things were back then. They would give people homesteads. They would say, “Hey Mark, would you like your own land?” “Sure.” “We’ll give you 100,000 acres.”

MARK NORMAND: Love it.

JOE ROGAN: “You can have this place and you just go there and move there.” And they—

SHANE GILLIS: In about 5 months, you, your wife, your kids are about to get beheaded.

ARI SHAFFIR: Is that what you’re doing with this condo you’re trying to give me?

MARK NORMAND: Oh, Taylor Sheridan.

JOE ROGAN: Taylor Sheridan is turning it into a show.

MARK NORMAND: That’s exciting. It’s gonna be sick.

SHANE GILLIS: I hope he doesn’t make it gay.

JOE ROGAN: He will. No, he won’t.

SHANE GILLIS: No, it needs to be made by—

MARK NORMAND: Landman got a little creepy.

JOE ROGAN: No, you gotta see— what was it? 1883?

SHANE GILLIS: What was it?

JOE ROGAN: 1823?

MARK NORMAND: 1882?

SHANE GILLIS: 1883.

JOE ROGAN: I saw the one that he did that was about the people trying to make it across the country was the most accurate. Never talked to his grandfather? MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: It was the most accurate depiction of what it was like for these fucking crazy settlers on wagons to try to make it through Indian country.

ARI SHAFFIR: They’re all like Danish and shit and trying their best to settle.

JOE ROGAN: They all got lied to just the way these poor motherfuckers that moved into Oklahoma got lied to. And you see those photos that are outside, all these different Indians and different people? Quanah Parker. That guy, his mother was Cynthia Ann Parker, who got kidnapped by the Comanche.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa.

JOE ROGAN: When she was 9 years old, they slaughtered her entire family, kidnapped her. She married the chief, and then her son was the last Comanche chief. That was Quanah Parker.

MARK NORMAND: Holy—

JOE ROGAN: And that’s right here. I was just the other day driving down Quanah Parker Lane. They named— bro, this guy killed everybody. He was a beast. He was a fucking monster.

SHANE GILLIS: Don’t look into history. Oh dude, if you want to tear down statues, don’t look into history.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you can’t tear down statues. You just got to accept the fact that we’re learning how to be better people.

MARK NORMAND: And where do those statues go? What are they— there must be a warehouse somewhere. I’d like to get my hands on an old—

JOE ROGAN: They melt them down and turn them into dicks.

SHANE GILLIS: Somebody was just showing me one. I think it was Stonewall Jackson. They just remade a statue and just fucked it up.

MARK NORMAND: Hmm. Oh, the Messi? Lionel Messi?

JOE ROGAN: Well, no.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh yeah, with his dick out.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, that was bad.

JOE ROGAN: There’s a statue of Lionel Messi with his dick out.

MARK NORMAND: It looks like it.

ARI SHAFFIR: It looks like his dick.

MARK NORMAND: Pull it up. The Ronaldo one’s not great either.

SHANE GILLIS: The Ronaldo one’s hilarious.

MARK NORMAND: It’s all neck.

SHANE GILLIS: His face is fucked up.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: But this place where we’re living, for hundreds of years the Comanche ruled till the whites came. That picture is crazy. What is that thing that’s supposed to be in front of him?

ARI SHAFFIR: World Cup.

MARK NORMAND: The World Cup trophy.

JOE ROGAN: Put it in a different place, you’d think. Put it in his hand. Don’t put it right in front of his—

MARK NORMAND: Damn. But yeah, you know about Davy Crockett? Well, the fact that he— I’m sorry, Daniel Boone. Sorry, Daniel Boone.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s easy, Daniel Boone.

MARK NORMAND: My bad.

SHANE GILLIS: They’re both there.

Daniel Boone and Genghis Khan

MARK NORMAND: Daniel Boone was the ultimate badass. This guy’s crazy. Started Boonesville, which was just a fort that he made, and he kept getting attacked by Indians. His daughter gets stolen. He goes back, finds her, kills everybody, brings his daughter back, which was unheard of, you know. This white guy alone is just killing a bunch of Indians, gets his daughter back.

Eventually he’s trying to make salt in the river. Everything was about salt back then. He’s making salt in the river, they kidnap him. They got him chained up, whatever. They’re walking him down, he runs away, just randomly escapes. He only walks on rocks to get away so they can’t find him because then they can’t find footprints. This is how crazy he was. Gets back to the fort, he goes, “I killed a bunch of guys, they’re gonna kill us, we gotta set up for a 9-day—” Indians attacked the fort and they’re just shooting them off, shooting them off. Eventually the Indians burned the fort and then the militia showed up.

ARI SHAFFIR: Wow.

MARK NORMAND: And they saved them. But yeah, crazy. 9 days fighting off Native Americans.

JOE ROGAN: Bro, we’re so lucky.

MARK NORMAND: We’re still lucky.

JOE ROGAN: To be living in 2026.

MARK NORMAND: I know.

JOE ROGAN: Imagine if you were living in Mongolia in the year 1200.

MARK NORMAND: I get a bad hotel.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m like, fuck this place.

MARK NORMAND: I got the worst life.

ARI SHAFFIR: My flight’s delayed.

JOE ROGAN: I thought everybody was a pussy who didn’t live in a felt tent.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, rat skin suit.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, is that right, bro?

JOE ROGAN: Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History is the greatest podcast on history ever, and he’s got a thing called The Wrath of the Khans, and it’s like 5 episodes long on Genghis Khan, or Chinggis Khan as he says it. That’s how they say it. There’s a bunch of different translations of what it actually means.

MARK NORMAND: The Great Khan. Now he’s got a film festival, bro.

JOE ROGAN: It’s fucking insane. It’s so good. I got obsessed with Genghis Khan after that. Really obsessed. I watched like 3 different documentaries on him.

MARK NORMAND: I read—

JOE ROGAN: I watched movies on him. I read 2 books.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s funny.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, he was so insane.

MARK NORMAND: Really? I gotta watch some of this.

JOE ROGAN: He was born with a blood clot in his hand, in his fist. His mother was concerned that he was gonna become a monster from the time he was born. He killed his brother. His brother used to steal fish from him and his other brothers. They killed him with a bow and arrow.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa, you can kill somebody with an arrow?

SHANE GILLIS: The Mongolians did.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I guess so.

JOE ROGAN: Have you ever shot a bow?

MARK NORMAND: I mean, like an old kid’s one.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, in summer camp.

JOE ROGAN: That’s why you don’t think you can kill somebody. We have an archery range in the studio.

ARI SHAFFIR: Let’s do it.

JOE ROGAN: I’ll take you back there right now. I’ll show you how I can kill you.

MARK NORMAND: All right, dude.

ARI SHAFFIR: I went to Carlin’s film festival. Who?

JOE ROGAN: Dan Carlin has a film festival?

ARI SHAFFIR: Gay.

JOE ROGAN: What?

ARI SHAFFIR: Am I thinking of the wrong guy?

MARK NORMAND: What the hell are you talking about?

SHANE GILLIS: There’s a gay film festival?

JOE ROGAN: Hardcore gay film festival? Are you going to?

MARK NORMAND: It was like, how bored are you— this is like a Mitch McConnell moment. Something’s going on. You’re crossing wires here.

JOE ROGAN: Yo, is that guy still alive?

ARI SHAFFIR: Who?

MARK NORMAND: He is.

ARI SHAFFIR: Mitch McConnell? He’s not, right? They say he’s like—

MARK NORMAND: He’s in the bed.

JOE ROGAN: They’re grabbing his hand and signing bills.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Is he alive?

MARK NORMAND: I believe he is. I know Lindsey Graham is off the reservation.

JOE ROGAN: He’s gone. Do you think Russia killed him?

SHANE GILLIS: I like that idea.

MARK NORMAND: I do too. He was old.

JOE ROGAN: It seems like he might have got blowed up.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, while looking at a drone factory. Oh, this is awesome.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, like, “Oh my God, we’re gonna kill so many people,” sitting on the drone.

SHANE GILLIS: I was just in Charleston, like I said, and I was making fun of Lindsey Graham, and I was like, “I wonder how they’re gonna feel.” Whole stadium was like, “Yeah, no way.” Well, he was a weird guy.

MARK NORMAND: It’s a great town.

JOE ROGAN: If there was ever a guy, they’re like, “That guy’s gay.”

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, he looks gay. He looks old Southern gay.

SHANE GILLIS: Tony Hinchcliffe looked like Hulk Hogan.

MARK NORMAND: Sorry, but Southern and gay is a fine line. We got genteel down there, proper, you know, seersucker suit, mint julep. I do declare.

Ancient History Detour

JOE ROGAN: That’s the weird thing about history, that— but they’re like, when you go back to armies, when armies were a bunch of dudes just out in the field together for years at a time, they all got gay.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, it must have.

JOE ROGAN: It must have happened.

SHANE GILLIS: I disagree with this concept.

JOE ROGAN: Spartans were gay as fuck, and they were different. When you think about elite warriors in history, don’t you think about the Spartans?

MARK NORMAND: I mean, statistically, 300.

SHANE GILLIS: I didn’t get tricked by the comic book movie. No, I don’t think of the Spartans.

JOE ROGAN: They kept that out of that movie, 300. They kept the gay stuff out.

SHANE GILLIS: They should have tossed that in.

JOE ROGAN: They shaved their chests down though. They got sleek. Yeah, they all were shaved up. It didn’t make any sense. Where’s the hair? Nobody had any hair in the movie.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, yeah.

JOE ROGAN: So it was kind of gay.

ARI SHAFFIR: Like wrestlers, I guess. Wrestlers don’t have any hair. They’ll shave it. Hulk Hogan had hair on his chest.

MARK NORMAND: They didn’t have a word for gay back then because it was just so normal.

SHANE GILLIS: Boys in Grease, silly talk.

MARK NORMAND: I’m telling you. What do you mean they had no word for gay? We got a thousand words for gay.

JOE ROGAN: Who didn’t have a word for gay? Greeks.

SHANE GILLIS: Who told you that?

ARI SHAFFIR: I like it.

MARK NORMAND: I think I saw a reel.

JOE ROGAN: Put that into Perplexity, Jamie. Put that into our AI now.

MARK NORMAND: Gay was just gay. It was just like living.

JOE ROGAN: Hey, Perplexity, stomp on the honest.

MARK NORMAND: Alexander the Great had a couple of boyfriends.

JOE ROGAN: He had a good point about the honest.

ARI SHAFFIR: They don’t go to doctors.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, no doctors. They’re not getting checked out. These dudes are doing math in their head while they’re putting up— “Ancient Greeks did not have a single neutral word equivalent to the modern identity term gay.”

MARK NORMAND: Appreciate it.

JOE ROGAN: “Sexuality was generally described through acts, social roles, or particular relationships rather than a fixed orientation.”

SHANE GILLIS: So I just think we have a very weird thing in modern history where we like to look back and be like, “They were gay.” “Did you know women controlled this tribe?” “Everyone was gay back then.” “Abraham Lincoln was gay.” It’s like, bro, shut up.

MARK NORMAND: I get what you’re saying. But I’m just saying, that’s what I heard.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but of course you heard that.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s from the same people that are saying—

JOE ROGAN: How about the Papua New Guinea people? Do you know about that?

SHANE GILLIS: What about that?

JOE ROGAN: What, you don’t know about that? The semen warriors of Papua New Guinea? They would take a child when they were 6 years old and he would have an “anal father” and they would be literally removed from their parents. And they thought that in order for a man to grow strong, he had to consume semen either in his mouth or his anus.

MARK NORMAND: Well, that’s just—

JOE ROGAN: From the time they’re 6, these warriors were taken away from their family and brought to a man, and that man would fuck them in the ass and fuck them in the mouth, and they would do the same to a young boy that came up.

ARI SHAFFIR: Could you just come on the table?

JOE ROGAN: And the only thing that stopped them was Christian missionaries.

SHANE GILLIS: They’re like, “Hey, whoa, that seems to be a common theme in history.” I was watching The Northman.

JOE ROGAN: Dudes are so gross, if you leave us alone, we fuck each other.

SHANE GILLIS: No, not that. I’m saying the Christians showing up and going, “What are you doing?” “Here’s some gunpowder.”

JOE ROGAN: Shut the fuck up.

SHANE GILLIS: I was watching The Northman last night and I was like, thank goodness Christianity showed up and fucking knocked this shit off.

JOE ROGAN: According to Plutarch, the 300 handpicked men were chosen purely for ability and merit regardless of social class. It was comprised of 150 male couples, each pair consisting of an older erastes and a younger eromenos.

MARK NORMAND: Beloved.

JOE ROGAN: Beloved. Athenaeus of Naucratis also records the sacred band as being composed of lovers and their favorites, thus indicating the dignity of the god Eros.

SHANE GILLIS: Is this—

JOE ROGAN: They embraced glorious death in preference to a dishonorable and reprehensible life.

SHANE GILLIS: So this is saying the Spartan— the 300 were 150 couples?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: Okay, now click the citation and tell me what year that book was written. Not Plutarch.

MARK NORMAND: ’02?

ARI SHAFFIR: 2002. What’s your point?

SHANE GILLIS: What’s— I’m just saying it’s modern. It’s very modern to be like, “They were all gay, right?”

JOE ROGAN: But there’s a reality.

SHANE GILLIS: 1,000 years later, right? But they were gay.

JOE ROGAN: There’s a reality of boy lovers, for sure. Socrates, for sure.

SHANE GILLIS: Like immediately at this table we bring up Greeks, it’s like, “You know, they fucked guys.” Like, that’s—

JOE ROGAN: Well, not just Greeks, it was also Romans, it was also Japanese.

SHANE GILLIS: Everybody fucked guys.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: We’re still fucking guys.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, guys rule.

JOE ROGAN: It’s also in the Islamic world, it’s a big problem, the dancing boys in Afghanistan.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh yeah, this is the thing about some soldier that was stationed there and they saw all that stuff.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, Man Love Thursdays or whatever.

ARI SHAFFIR: We’re not here for that.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa, mama.

JOE ROGAN: Not in the— what is this? What are you pulling up?

MARK NORMAND: I just asked if the Spartan army was gay.

JOE ROGAN: “Not in the modern sense of a uniformly gay army. Ancient Spartans did not use sexual orientation categories like gay, straight, and Spartan men were generally expected to marry women and produce citizen children. Same-sex desire and age-structured male relationships existed.”

ARI SHAFFIR: They weren’t—

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, they did a lot of gay shit, right?

MARK NORMAND: Right.

JOE ROGAN: It was prison shit.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Is it true— and again, I saw a reel— in the Middle East there’s more trans people?

JOE ROGAN: In Iran.

MARK NORMAND: Sorry, in Iran.

JOE ROGAN: Because it’s illegal to be gay.

MARK NORMAND: You can’t be gay, so become a woman.

ARI SHAFFIR: Exactly.

MARK NORMAND: Is that real?

JOE ROGAN: That’s real.

MARK NORMAND: And trans is okay because at least you’re banging a lady.

ARI SHAFFIR: Dude, I am fucked up.

SHANE GILLIS: Let’s get one more beer.

ARI SHAFFIR: I am—

MARK NORMAND: I’m gonna barf. Do we get dinner? What do you guys want to do?

JOE ROGAN: Let’s fucking go.

MARK NORMAND: Go to the club. What’s the story here?

JOE ROGAN: Doing both of those things.

ARI SHAFFIR: All right, food, then we’ll go out with the rest.

SHANE GILLIS: Food, club, go with the rest.

JOE ROGAN: You’re not—

ARI SHAFFIR: Not— I’m not just gonna stand outside.

MARK NORMAND: Connect with DeRosa. We got to figure out— I mean, it’s still 5. It’s not even nighttime.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s sort of like 7 or 8.

SHANE GILLIS: I could also go home and sleep.

JOE ROGAN: Boys, let’s go. Come on, push it.

ARI SHAFFIR: We definitely got a tough window.

JOE ROGAN: I had like 2 hours sleep last night because I ate like 50 fucking nicotine pouches. I was lying in bed.

MARK NORMAND: I couldn’t sleep.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s why I’d say let’s just drink here for another hour.

ARI SHAFFIR: And you’re not like anyone else.

JOE ROGAN: What do you mean? What way?

ARI SHAFFIR: You recover in a way that seems suspect.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, it’s weird. It is suspect.

JOE ROGAN: I’m from a different time.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like there’s a gene that goes through, like Gallagher.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, you’re Rick Springfield.

JOE ROGAN: I have different genes. I have primitive genes.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s like an illusionist, or I got a lot of— there’s 2 of these fucking guys.

JOE ROGAN: I got Neanderthal genes, man. That’s a fact.

SHANE GILLIS: All right, well, how about this?

ARI SHAFFIR: Let’s go.

SHANE GILLIS: How about we drink for another hour and then go? Because otherwise we’re stuck here.

JOE ROGAN: What do you want to eat?

SHANE GILLIS: I’m saying, what do you want? 5 to— he’s got a show at 7, but we gotta start drinking.

ARI SHAFFIR: DeRosa.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, but that’s later.

ARI SHAFFIR: My show, 7 or 8.

MARK NORMAND: I’ll do the show.

JOE ROGAN: Norman’s—

SHANE GILLIS: But I mean, he’s doing a show.

JOE ROGAN: These faggots are gonna go out and fucking party with DeRosa.

MARK NORMAND: I’ll do that too.

JOE ROGAN: No, I have to do a show.

MARK NORMAND: But DeRosa is gonna be—

ARI SHAFFIR: You can come for a little bit. You’re closing out the show.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but I want to be there. It’s fun. I’ll be there in the mix.

ARI SHAFFIR: Drinking with DeRosa will also be fun. And Tony.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but it’ll be fun.

SHANE GILLIS: Edge.

JOE ROGAN: Tony. Show with me.

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s canceling.

SHANE GILLIS: No chance he cancels.

JOE ROGAN: Shut up. Ian Edwards is in town.

MARK NORMAND: Oh really?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, he’s on the show tonight too.

MARK NORMAND: He’s underrated.

JOE ROGAN: He doesn’t even eat vegetables. Lives off air.

SHANE GILLIS: Photosynthesis. He’s going off the sun.

JOE ROGAN: I used to take pictures every time we’d go on the road together of him sleeping on the plane because he was a vegan. I was like, he’s always tired. Until one time he caught me sleeping. I’m like, this motherfucker. There’s a video of him smiling, a giant look.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m like, I got you once.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you got me.

ARI SHAFFIR: I just posted on Twitter. We were about to take off and I took a picture of you open-mouthed like that. I go, “Do what you will.” And then we took off and then 5 hours later, you landed, you turn on your phone and it was like a thousand Photoshops.

JOE ROGAN: That’s the thing that bothered me about those goddamn nicotine pouches, I can always sleep. Last night I was like, “I can’t fucking sleep.” And I’m like, I had 20 nicotine pouches.

ARI SHAFFIR: You got 20? You got to show—

JOE ROGAN: At least had 20.

MARK NORMAND: That’s crazy.

JOE ROGAN: Crazy. I just kept popping them in. We were having fun, we were laughing, joking. I just kept throwing them in my mouth. And then when I got home at night, I was like, “All right, I’m done.”

ARI SHAFFIR: You’re wide awake, just like heart beating.

MARK NORMAND: They fucking work. I mean, the first 25, 30 minutes, I was really uncomfortable.

JOE ROGAN: You do develop a tolerance for them.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, obviously.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, Shane can pop them all day long.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, everybody in New York I see has that circle in their pocket. Every guy, 25 to 50, has that circle.

JOE ROGAN: They’re addictive, but not that much really. I went on vacation and I didn’t bring any with me, and I was fine.

MARK NORMAND: They say it’s the most addictive.

JOE ROGAN: Didn’t bother me at all. I’m not sure if that’s true, but it’s not bad. Maybe I’m different because the addiction thing to me is, I get it, I get the pull.

ARI SHAFFIR: Chemical addiction.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, I didn’t have any withdrawals. There was no shakes, like, “I need nicotine.” There was nothing.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, and there’s people who can, “I’ll smoke one cigarette.”

JOE ROGAN: The only thing I’ve ever felt that really got me was caffeine.

SHANE GILLIS: I was—

JOE ROGAN: Yes, I was drinking these sodas. They had these sodas that you could buy in liquor stores in LA that were filled with caffeine, and I would— they were like death soda. It was like skulls on them and they were blue and they had hot sauce on them and shit. They were crazy sodas.

MARK NORMAND: That’s gas station shit.

JOE ROGAN: They were really good and I got addicted to them and I’d buy them by the case. And when I would write, I would drink these sodas. And then I decided, let me take some time off of caffeine. I got fucking headaches.

MARK NORMAND: Yes, same.

ARI SHAFFIR: I remember that.

JOE ROGAN: Real headache. Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, I was like, what does that teach you? And you go, don’t quit. All right, fair.

MARK NORMAND: That’s like Castro, bro. Remember they told him to quit smoking cigars? He’s like, “I smoke 50 cigars a day.” “Like, you got to cut back.” So he made one giant cigar.

ARI SHAFFIR: Churchill.

MARK NORMAND: Was it Churchill?

ARI SHAFFIR: This big long one?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I did one a day.

JOE ROGAN: Well, imagine you’re living in Cuba, you got the best cigars in the world, and also you’re the king of Cuba.

MARK NORMAND: I’ve never had a Cuban.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’ve given you one.

MARK NORMAND: All right, shit.

JOE ROGAN: The Dominican ones and Nicaraguan ones are very good nowadays.

ARI SHAFFIR: Cubans are not the best anymore.

JOE ROGAN: They’re still really elite, but there’s a lot of fakes.

ARI SHAFFIR: China bought them out and they slashed ingredients and quality.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, did they?

ARI SHAFFIR: Because all the Chinese people just want— and that’s a billion people— they just want to say, “I have a Cuban.”

JOE ROGAN: So they want to eat tiger dick tea and smoke a Cuban cigar. There was a restaurant in China where you could go and they had a quarterly or semi-annual thing where you could have all endangered species. They had a menu. You could eat gorilla, you could eat whatever you want.

MARK NORMAND: Underage girl.

JOE ROGAN: For sure there’s someplace somewhere where someone’s eaten a kid, right?

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah, that was the freaky thing about the Epstein files.

JOE ROGAN: When you hear about jerky and you’re like, what does that mean?

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh shit, dude, there’s no way they weren’t eating people. Everybody has a thing about fucking kids. Anything they wanted was theirs.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, the most— if you get to a certain level of wealth.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: And the most forbidden thing is probably sacrifice of a child. For sure that’s happened in history. We know it’s happened 100%, no ifs, ands, or buts. So the question is whether or not it still happens.

MARK NORMAND: Yikes.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, it’s the most forbidden thing of all time. What’s more forbidden than eating a kid?

MARK NORMAND: Oh my God, the Native Americans would throw the virgin on the volcano. That’s not real.

SHANE GILLIS: What are you talking about?

MARK NORMAND: Didn’t they sacrifice virgins?

SHANE GILLIS: Volcanoes are not in America.

MARK NORMAND: That was the thing about sacrifice. I threw that in there for effect. But wouldn’t they kill a virgin?

SHANE GILLIS: Everybody did that.

MARK NORMAND: All right, well, there you go.

JOE ROGAN: Literally from the beginning of time, people have been killing people. But why the virgin sacrifice?

MARK NORMAND: Wouldn’t you be a— wouldn’t you whore it up just to get by?

SHANE GILLIS: I think maybe post-Christianity we tossed in the whole virgin thing.

JOE ROGAN: Well, no, there was a time where people thought that you had to sacrifice human beings in order to make prosperity and wealth. For sure. But you had to sacrifice people that were valuable, the most valuable, the most pure. So it makes sense.

ARI SHAFFIR: Remember when fucking psychos in parts of Africa were like, “You can cure AIDS by fucking a virgin”?

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: And so then how do you get a virgin? I mean, 10-year-olds are all virgins.

SHANE GILLIS: That was like 2010.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, it was pretty recent.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh yeah, that’s probably Chappelle.

JOE ROGAN: One of his greatest bits about AIDS was like, someone fucked a monkey. He was like, “You know how hard it is to fuck a monkey?”

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, snap your dick like a celery stalk.

JOE ROGAN: Think about holding a monkey down and fucking it. It’s crazy. The idea that somebody fucked a monkey. “Virgin sacrifice actually is far more common as a mythic and literary motif than as a well-documented historical ritual. Actual human sacrifice occurred in some ancient societies, but evidence that victims specifically were chosen for sexual virginity is generally sparse and often uncertain.” But yeah, it’s because people probably don’t talk about it too.

ARI SHAFFIR: You know, it was more—

SHANE GILLIS: No, in our culture, we’re like, “They sacrificed virgins, right?” That’s in movies and shows and shit. But they were just sacrificing everybody.

ARI SHAFFIR: They were sacrificing poor people. At the Mayan ruins, they would take kings they conquered, kings of their society, and tie them to a giant stone wheel and then push them down. It was like 600 yards down. They would tie them like this and just murder, smush all the way down. And if they survived, they’re like, “That’s dishonorable.”

MARK NORMAND: Whoa.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, they weren’t virgins.

SHANE GILLIS: I think it was a good thing the Spanish showed up and gave them what for, to be quite honest.

JOE ROGAN: 100%.

SHANE GILLIS: Hey, no more.

JOE ROGAN: 100%, bro. They sacrificed somewhere in the neighborhood between 20,000 and 80,000 people when the Aztecs consecrated the Temple of Tenochtitlan.

MARK NORMAND: Damn.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, between 20,000 and 80,000 people. This guy named—

SHANE GILLIS: How many people died in this?

JOE ROGAN: His name was Díaz, and he came over as a historical chronicler, and he documented what the Spanish did when they came over here. And one of the things he did is he came over in the early days, because the Spanish, when they first arrived, were trying to figure out what the fuck was going on with the Aztecs.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, just 5,000.

JOE ROGAN: So maybe the number executed by the Spanish Inquisition. But this is the Inquisition.

SHANE GILLIS: No, I know, I just wanted to compare it to—

JOE ROGAN: Oh, okay.

SHANE GILLIS: How much were the Aztecs sacrificing?

JOE ROGAN: Okay, they don’t know if it’s accurate, but they do know this one historical chronicler in the fucking—

SHANE GILLIS: What are you fucking—

MARK NORMAND: Yes.

JOE ROGAN: No, I’ve run this through Perplexity. This guy Díaz said that 80,000 people were sacrificed over the course of 4 days.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa, wait, what? Yeah, it was a lot of work.

JOE ROGAN: It was the consecration of the temple. This is what’s really crazy about the Aztecs. They didn’t make any of those things.

ARI SHAFFIR: They moved in.

JOE ROGAN: They moved in and they called it— that’s cool— the land where the gods were born. And all these temples and all these insane pyramids, they didn’t make any of them.

MARK NORMAND: I didn’t know.

JOE ROGAN: They were all made by unknown people that were there as many as 1,000 years before them.

ARI SHAFFIR: Whoa.

JOE ROGAN: But they still lived there.

ARI SHAFFIR: Architecture was still there? And they’re like—

JOE ROGAN: Not only was it there, but it was covered with jungle. They had to chop down the jungle and they found all the shit and they moved in.

SHANE GILLIS: Found a city?

MARK NORMAND: Wow.

JOE ROGAN: Dude, they’re still finding cities. They’re still finding these Aztec cities.

ARI SHAFFIR: You’re driving on the freeway there and you see these mountains— what’s his name? It’s clearly—

MARK NORMAND: Oh, Durán. Photos of that.

JOE ROGAN: His name is Durán, not Díaz. Interesting. 16th century account, 80,400 people were sacrificed during the 4-day 1487 rededication of Tenochtitlán’s Templo Mayor.

ARI SHAFFIR: I like that correction.

JOE ROGAN: Not 80,000 exactly.

SHANE GILLIS: Just so you know, it’s wrong. It was actually 72,344.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, historians treat Durán’s figures as highly doubtful, not an established count. Other early sources give sharply different totals. The Codex Telleriano-Remensis text says 4,000, while interpreting its pictorial numbers alongside text can produce 20,000. Another chronicle, Torquemada, gave 72,000. At the very least, my original point, thousands and thousands of people were killed.

SHANE GILLIS: To compare the Spanish Inquisition to one day in the Aztec Empire.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, nothing.

JOE ROGAN: I’m just saying, not even one day.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s a good thing.

JOE ROGAN: Isn’t that— wow, isn’t that crazy?

ARI SHAFFIR: Shut it down. How about a thousand a day?

MARK NORMAND: Apocalypto?

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, that’s a hell of a picture.

ARI SHAFFIR: Apocalypto is a good movie.

MARK NORMAND: It’s a great movie.

JOE ROGAN: It’s a fucking phenomenal movie. This place— Mexico was wild. It was wild.

MARK NORMAND: Good thing they cleaned their act up.

JOE ROGAN: I wonder what they called it back then, because it wasn’t Mexico. It wasn’t Mexico until 1820. United States of Mexico. They owned Texas from, I think, 1821 to 1836.

MARK NORMAND: We beat them pretty easily.

JOE ROGAN: Or rather, 1821 to 1836.

MARK NORMAND: Took California very easily.

JOE ROGAN: Check out your boy Polk.

MARK NORMAND: Polk, exactly. Top 5. He was a wild man. Hulk rules. Yeah, I throw Andrew Jackson in there.

SHANE GILLIS: You got 2/3 of the entire country, 1/3 of the entire country.

ARI SHAFFIR: You ever look up Bolívar? Bolívar ruled.

MARK NORMAND: He was just— what’d he do?

SHANE GILLIS: He took over all Latin America, South America revolutions.

JOE ROGAN: What year?

MARK NORMAND: 1988?

ARI SHAFFIR: 1818. And then he had this General Sucre that was a fucking beast, and then it’s Santander.

JOE ROGAN: Imagine if we didn’t intervene with Pablo Escobar. Imagine if we didn’t get involved.

SHANE GILLIS: Let the boy rock.

MARK NORMAND: Let him cook.

ARI SHAFFIR: Our problem—

SHANE GILLIS: We’re not gonna let somebody literally cook.

JOE ROGAN: Let him cook.

SHANE GILLIS: We’re not gonna let somebody make money like that without us.

JOE ROGAN: Well, that’s part of the problem.

SHANE GILLIS: And we’re buying it.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, we’re selling it.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, I mean, it built Bill Clinton.

JOE ROGAN: Mena, Arkansas. Yeah, true. They brought it in.

MARK NORMAND: Really?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, Barry Seal. Barry Seal was a CIA pilot who was flying drugs in.

MARK NORMAND: Is that the movie?

JOE ROGAN: Uh-huh.

MARK NORMAND: American Made?

JOE ROGAN: Yep.

MARK NORMAND: Good movie.

JOE ROGAN: But Tom Cruise is handsome. Barry Seal was disgusting.

MARK NORMAND: Pull him up.

SHANE GILLIS: Hey, talk about Barry like that.

JOE ROGAN: Good guy, doing the best. Come on, it looks like he knows the line on everything.

MARK NORMAND: Great fucking storyline indeed.

SHANE GILLIS: Fucking phenomenal story for that. It would have been a significantly funnier movie.

MARK NORMAND: That’s true.

JOE ROGAN: It was a pretty funny movie. And there’s a real scene where Tom Cruise— Barry Seal gets arrested and Bill Clinton gets him out of jail.

MARK NORMAND: Hey, how about that?

JOE ROGAN: Mena, Arkansas. He was the governor of Arkansas at the time.

ARI SHAFFIR: What’s the reason?

JOE ROGAN: Because they were bringing coke into Arkansas. They found out because these 2 kids got killed, and they said that they did drugs and fell asleep on a train track, but their parents didn’t believe it. So the parents funded an autopsy. They paid for an autopsy. The autopsy found knife wounds. These kids had been stabbed. So what happened was these kids had witnessed the coke drop. What he would do is fly over, throw the coke out of the airplane with parachutes or whatever. It would land on the ground, and then he would land, and they would go back and pick up the coke. Well, these kids found the coke, and then they went to grab it, and they killed the kids and laid their bodies on train tracks.

MARK NORMAND: Pretty good.

JOE ROGAN: And this is what started— that’s how people found out about the fact that they were moving coke through Mena, Arkansas. So Barry Seal was going to turn state’s evidence, and he was gonna testify, and he got murdered. And when he got murdered on his way to trial, he had George Bush’s phone number in his pocket.

MARK NORMAND: Whoa, this is good stuff. See, you almost ended the pod.

ARI SHAFFIR: This was good stuff.

SHANE GILLIS: No, it’s not a good way to end it. We still got another—

MARK NORMAND: I was glad we didn’t.

JOE ROGAN: We gotta eat. We gotta do shows. You guys gotta go out with DeRosa.

MARK NORMAND: Gotta get out.

JOE ROGAN: Come on, we’ve been doing this for 4 hours.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, is it there?

ARI SHAFFIR: Jeez, definitely gotta eat something. Let’s go eat some carbs.

JOE ROGAN: You don’t have anything to do. The fuck?

ARI SHAFFIR: I have to eat.

SHANE GILLIS: All right, I thought we were gonna drink.

JOE ROGAN: All right, as opposed to what you’re getting over there in fucking England.

MARK NORMAND: They’re giving you gruel, blood pudding.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s crazy food, dude. I like food. I do like beans.

JOE ROGAN: They won’t even let you have an apartment.

MARK NORMAND: England’s great.

JOE ROGAN: You sneak over here, you can get fucking free healthcare. You get a cell phone.

ARI SHAFFIR: Schulz was like, “Do you miss New York real estate?” I’m like, “Oh my God, I do.”

MARK NORMAND: Wow. Well, that’s just in your blood.

JOE ROGAN: Well, why do you want to stay?

ARI SHAFFIR: I like friction.

MARK NORMAND: You like cake? You like to live.

JOE ROGAN: “Bill Clinton consistently denied any knowledge or involvement in Seal’s operations or the meeting logistics during his tenure as governor. Federal investigations did not produce evidence implicating Clinton.” Interesting.

SHANE GILLIS: No way.

JOE ROGAN: Interesting.

MARK NORMAND: He’s a slippery guy.

ARI SHAFFIR: Bad governor.

JOE ROGAN: Put it in the fucking movie and no one got sued. That’s all you need to know. They put it in the movie and no one got sued.

MARK NORMAND: He gets away with everything. He’s in a hot tub with a lady. They got photos.

JOE ROGAN: He’s living with Hillary. That dude lives in hell.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah. ARI SHAFFIR: Is he? There was—

SHANE GILLIS: I just saw a meme recently that was nice about him and Monica Lewinsky. If that happened today, she would have been born in ’04 and he would have been born in ’77.

MARK NORMAND: Oh yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: The age difference is wild.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah. Isn’t that wild?

JOE ROGAN: Well, it’s wild that ’77 to ’04, just before the internet, presidents just— oh man.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, slay.

JOE ROGAN: LBJ used to take shits with his stall door open while he was talking to the press. Yeah, it was like a famous thing. He would take a shit while they all— they would stand outside of his toilet and ask him questions. The world was different then.

MARK NORMAND: I heard Trump— who had that lunch with Trump and said he drank 14 Diet Cokes in an hour? Wow. Pull that up if you can.

JOE ROGAN: That doesn’t even make sense. That doesn’t even make sense.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a lot of Diet Coke.

JOE ROGAN: Just the volume of liquid.

MARK NORMAND: Maybe it’s too much liquid, rather. It just says he drinks 12 in a day, maybe.

JOE ROGAN: Oh, that makes more sense.

ARI SHAFFIR: All right, sorry, so much different.

MARK NORMAND: I saw a reel.

JOE ROGAN: I believe that.

SHANE GILLIS: You gotta stop watching these reels and letting them dictate your reality.

MARK NORMAND: I know, your dad sent them to me.

JOE ROGAN: It is kind of amazing that he’s 80-something.

MARK NORMAND: I should get on that.

JOE ROGAN: No, I think he just turned 80.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh really?

JOE ROGAN: I think Trump just turned 80.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, he’s only 80?

JOE ROGAN: I think his birthday was at the White House when we were at the UFC. That was for his birthday. That’s why they did it in June and not July 4th. Oh yeah, yeah, they did it June 14th, I believe, because it was Trump’s birthday.

MARK NORMAND: Ah, that’s correct.

ARI SHAFFIR: 80, at some point you’re like, you can’t relate to most of the population.

JOE ROGAN: 100%.

MARK NORMAND: You don’t know what— sure.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, impossible.

SHANE GILLIS: You can’t relate to any human on earth.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, listen, it gets to these levels. Like Shane can’t relate to most people right now, right?

SHANE GILLIS: I can relate to a lot of people. A lot of people.

ARI SHAFFIR: Members, at least.

JOE ROGAN: Less, less people. And it’s slowly gonna get weirder.

ARI SHAFFIR: Hey guys, you’re about to change a tire in your Maybach?

JOE ROGAN: Trust me, trust me.

SHANE GILLIS: It should have been my Maybach, dude.

MARK NORMAND: Wait, you got a Maybach? Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Whoa.

SHANE GILLIS: It’s pretty embarrassing.

JOE ROGAN: You’re talking about a used Tesla. Step up your game, son.

MARK NORMAND: Is it here?

SHANE GILLIS: No, it’s in my house.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, I guess you’re drinking. Yeah, yeah, I gotta see that Maybach.

SHANE GILLIS: Well, it’s clearly a car that has a driver. I’m just driving in a very nice backseat.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, but it’s still— it’s even driving, it’s so smooth.

SHANE GILLIS: But I bought it, I left Austin for like a month, and then I came back and I was like, well, what am I doing? Why would I ever have this? This is very embarrassing.

JOE ROGAN: Well, the other one was so great. The other one was great. What’s wrong?

SHANE GILLIS: That was nice.

JOE ROGAN: A tree fell on it.

MARK NORMAND: That’s right.

JOE ROGAN: I forgot about that.

ARI SHAFFIR: Is that the one where those seats would hug you when you went on a turn?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, bro. I went with them. We went to the dealership and I told the dealer to shut up so I could sell it. I’m like, I know everything about this car.

SHANE GILLIS: I was like, I’m gonna get a Honda Accord. I don’t need this. And he was like, you want this, you gotta get this.

JOE ROGAN: I took him to the Mercedes dealership. I explained to him about the S-Class.

MARK NORMAND: Oh nice, rules. Oh bro, whoa mama, that car is— that’s like a Batmobile.

JOE ROGAN: Tracy got that after the accident money.

MARK NORMAND: Driving sick cars. Walmart.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, that’s a crazy car to drive in New York.

MARK NORMAND: That’s crazy.

JOE ROGAN: There’s a Ferrari.

ARI SHAFFIR: All his money on craps.

MARK NORMAND: Tracy Morgan, look at that outfit.

SHANE GILLIS: Funny dude.

MARK NORMAND: He’s got a lot of sick cars. He’s just driving through like Times— a spare on them. Inconvenient cars, they go to his house.

JOE ROGAN: Click on that one where your cursor is. Look at that, he’s got a Lambo.

MARK NORMAND: Jesus.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, baby. Fun. But where are you gonna park it? Driving that thing in New York City is crazy. New York City, every time I go there, I’m like, this is so nuts. How does anybody drive here?

MARK NORMAND: It’s a wild place to live.

JOE ROGAN: You still got that little BMW?

MARK NORMAND: I do. I drove it the other day. That car runs like a Kenyan. I’ve never had a problem with it. It’s so good. I wash it outside my house like an American. Just hose, bucket, sponge. Felt good.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, 2002, right?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, it is the roundy. Yeah, the round tail lights.

JOE ROGAN: Great little old car. Those little old ones, those 2002 BMWs. Was it from the ’70s?

MARK NORMAND: ’73.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, it’s a fucking great car.

MARK NORMAND: Great car. No AC, no registration, no insurance, manual. I’m riding dirty. Yeah, you know, no insurance. I tried to fill it out. I couldn’t do it.

JOE ROGAN: What does that mean?

MARK NORMAND: I tried to get the forms and they’re going to target you now.

JOE ROGAN: You can’t say that on the air.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, it’s illegal.

JOE ROGAN: Well, I’ve been doing it for years.

ARI SHAFFIR: Insurance.

MARK NORMAND: I have insurance.

JOE ROGAN: I’ve been doing it for years.

SHANE GILLIS: I have insurance.

MARK NORMAND: I don’t have health insurance either.

JOE ROGAN: You don’t?

MARK NORMAND: I got to figure that one out. Wow. I’m not good with forms. Yeah, me too. I just black out. I gloss over.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

JOE ROGAN: Get a guy.

MARK NORMAND: I gotta get a guy. I need a Jew, Ari.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, sometimes the problem is like, I’m paying $600 for them, I’ll fill out the form, and then you’re like, well, here’s the thing, I haven’t had health insurance in years and I’ve never had a health problem.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, so I feel like I saved— you did, thousands and thousands, tens of thousands of dollars.

JOE ROGAN: You definitely did. Well, then you feel like, you know, with the whole Luigi thing, like when you find out how many people that have real legitimate claims get denied because the insurance companies just want to fuck you, right?

ARI SHAFFIR: I was talking to Brigham. They said 10% of people that get denied follow up. So that’s their business model, is like, just say no and hopefully they go away.

SHANE GILLIS: We looked this up last time. It costs Americans more to have private healthcare than public.

MARK NORMAND: Wow. I believe it.

JOE ROGAN: Wow.

SHANE GILLIS: So what are we doing?

MARK NORMAND: Let’s get it going, folks.

SHANE GILLIS: We gotta get rid of these gay lobbies.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, say that again. It costs Americans what?

SHANE GILLIS: Costs more to have private healthcare than public.

ARI SHAFFIR: Costs more to have private healthcare?

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, it costs— average Americans pay more for private healthcare than it would cost to have—

MARK NORMAND: Right, I get what you’re saying. Okay, because most things private— I get why you’re confused. Yeah, private sounds better.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, private security costs more than whatever, but I’m probably wording that so fucking crooked.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, yeah, I get it now.

JOE ROGAN: I know what you’re saying.

MARK NORMAND: I get what you’re saying.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah. See, this is a good podcast. People want to hear us drunk talking about super good opinions.

Closing Out the Night

JOE ROGAN: Jamie, Jamie, bring up Robert E. Lee.

SHANE GILLIS: Freebird.

JOE ROGAN: Freebird.

MARK NORMAND: Teddy. Teddy. I know it’s hack, but Teddy Roosevelt.

JOE ROGAN: It’s a fun story.

SHANE GILLIS: Polk’s a deep cut. Polk, somebody got Polk.

MARK NORMAND: I love Polk. Rules.

JOE ROGAN: Teddy Roosevelt is the reason why we have national parks.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Yes.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: A lot of stuff. Yep.

ARI SHAFFIR: He did a lot of shit. Retire from president and go, I’m just gonna go risk my life.

SHANE GILLIS: But I think it was Teddy who did the— he called it the Square Deal, which is kind of what we’re approaching, where he broke up all the guys that were making all the money, the 1% basically.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: He called it the Square Deal. Was that Teddy?

MARK NORMAND: Wow. Yeah. Focused on the 3 C’s: fair consumer protection and control of giant corporations, and conservation of natural resources.

SHANE GILLIS: So we’re getting close to it. We need another where somebody’s willing to abuse their executive power to shut down whatever the fuck we’re doing right now.

JOE ROGAN: But the thing is, don’t you think that big business and corporations and super PACs and all these different things have gotten so deeply entwined in politics that if a guy ever tried to do anything remotely like that, they’d kill him?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, we went too far.

JOE ROGAN: I mean, look, we thought Trump was gonna do it. It’s clear he’s not gonna do it.

ARI SHAFFIR: He’s not going to do any of those things.

SHANE GILLIS: You know, we’re going to have to get— one or two guys are going to have to get shot in the head.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m not going to do it.

JOE ROGAN: Or something else is going to have to happen. Some other radical change.

ARI SHAFFIR: They’re so intertwined now.

MARK NORMAND: It’s like you can’t get past it.

SHANE GILLIS: Exactly.

JOE ROGAN: There’s so much dirty money.

SHANE GILLIS: What are we going to give up, fellas?

ARI SHAFFIR: No.

MARK NORMAND: We can’t lose it.

JOE ROGAN: No.

MARK NORMAND: We got a good thing going.

JOE ROGAN: We got to get somebody in there. It’s funny how—

ARI SHAFFIR: Kill the politicians.

JOE ROGAN: Slowly but surely, people try to turn everything into some sort of a totalitarian government. They slowly want more and more power, more and more control. They want to siphon more and more money. It’s just over time, that’s always what you’re fighting against.

MARK NORMAND: Always. But don’t you feel like we’re at a boiling point? It feels like something’s gonna happen.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, it’s pitchfork era.

JOE ROGAN: Something should happen, because if it doesn’t happen, then we’re all gonna be fucked.

ARI SHAFFIR: No one could get a home. No one can pay their bills.

JOE ROGAN: They got vlog cameras.

ARI SHAFFIR: Everyone’s roommates.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, we’re talking about communism.

JOE ROGAN: Upper West Side, where your people live. Yeah, you know that? It’s like devoid of flock cameras.

MARK NORMAND: I didn’t see that actually.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s very weird.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, that can’t be true. One section, Jamie. Uh, yeah, one section of New York City is devoid of flock cameras.

ARI SHAFFIR: What’s a flock camera?

JOE ROGAN: It’s these weird fucking cameras that are everywhere.

SHANE GILLIS: AI is gonna say that’s not true.

JOE ROGAN: Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.

ARI SHAFFIR: Spy cameras?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, those cameras that are everywhere. Like, I had Marc Andreessen on, who invests in flock cameras, and it was right at— see there?

ARI SHAFFIR: That’s the spot.

JOE ROGAN: There’s the Upper West Side.

ARI SHAFFIR: Half of that is Central Park.

JOE ROGAN: Shut the fuck up, bitch. The fuck cameras are in Central Park.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, but the rest is— yeah, of course you defend it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Well, I mean, just like, obviously you defend it. Just move that red line up.

JOE ROGAN: I think that’s why there’s cameras on the other side. Shut up, Ari.

ARI SHAFFIR: Double the stuff.

MARK NORMAND: But there’s Jews all over Brooklyn.

JOE ROGAN: Why don’t you put a little box on your forehead? Shut the fuck up.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s just the wealthy.

JOE ROGAN: It is the wealthy. It’s probably that too. It’s probably wealthy.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, but that side—

JOE ROGAN: Because Upper West Side, that side’s very— of real estate.

SHANE GILLIS: Jewish people. It is.

JOE ROGAN: Listen, it’s not 100%. There’s a ton of fucking Gentiles in the Upper West Side. It’s just rich people. That’s really what it is. I bet Upper East Side is probably pretty fucking similar.

ARI SHAFFIR: No, it’s very sparse. Notably, it’s very—

SHANE GILLIS: The Upper West Side is notably Jewish.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, true. But in terms of flock cameras, it’s pretty sparse. I wonder if they’re singling out the Upper West Side versus the Upper East Side. I bet the Upper East Side, which is also super wealthy— yeah, I bet they don’t have a lot of flock cameras.

ARI SHAFFIR: I mean, rob cars?

JOE ROGAN: They’re not Flock brand, sorry for the confusion. However, there are a few Flock cams in New York City, so there’s just a bunch of security cameras all over the place that we didn’t see coming. So the thing is, within 2 years, there’s been hundreds of thousands of these cameras installed all over. The police state, and real quick, like before you even saw it happening.

ARI SHAFFIR: I mean, they’re everywhere there. They’re everywhere. You can’t— I’ve looked to see what I can shoplift. I’m like, damn, there’s cameras everywhere here.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, it’s a tough time. Something’s gotta give.

ARI SHAFFIR: What happened here?

JOE ROGAN: It’s a tough time and an awesome time at the same time.

MARK NORMAND: That’s true. Yeah, let’s look at the positive. There’s a lot of great shit going on.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, we got college football coming, and they’re trying to ruin it.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: Trying to ruin it.

SHANE GILLIS: NIL, not a big deal.

JOE ROGAN: In what way?

ARI SHAFFIR: Trying to take it away.

SHANE GILLIS: Don’t get me started.

JOE ROGAN: What are they trying to do?

SHANE GILLIS: They’re trying to put 2 super conferences. I mean, the whole thing’s a disaster, Joe.

ARI SHAFFIR: Also, the gambling on basketball now— players are just fully throwing games. Did you see that?

MARK NORMAND: The gambling’s out of control.

ARI SHAFFIR: It began, it was crazy. Trying to get rebounds to get whatever.

MARK NORMAND: It’s crazy. All that shit.

JOE ROGAN: Wow. But I’m torn on that. I feel like I like the fact that you can gamble on anything, if you want to.

ARI SHAFFIR: Can you gamble on when the next school shooting is? Is that a thing you can do?

JOE ROGAN: I bet you could. I bet that’s a Polymarket thing.

MARK NORMAND: But we don’t even know. Like, how do they know?

ARI SHAFFIR: But we will.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, well, Jamie pulled up— there was a Polymarket thing on this podcast that Jamie pulled up. I go, close that website, never open it up again. Like, you can’t know. Like, you can’t know what people are gambling on. Because it can influence you. Also, I don’t want anybody else to know either what they’re gambling on. Like, I don’t—

MARK NORMAND: You—

JOE ROGAN: They’ll get you.

ARI SHAFFIR: But gambling’s tough. It’s gonna ruin—

JOE ROGAN: Didn’t that fucking congressman guy who got acquitted, the gay guy? Yes, the guy from Brazil. Oh, the guy from Brazil. No, no, no, what’s his name?

MARK NORMAND: Polo.

JOE ROGAN: The one who lies about a bunch of stuff.

SHANE GILLIS: Yes, I swear to you.

ARI SHAFFIR: Josef.

JOE ROGAN: Jamie, you know who I’m talking about— chubby boy.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah, chubby gay guy who said— funny dude, like volleyball, funny dude.

MARK NORMAND: Lindsay apparently—

JOE ROGAN: George Santos.

MARK NORMAND: George Santos.

JOE ROGAN: There was something about him saying that he was going to show up at some State of the Union speech. “I’m definitely showing up.” And then he bet that he wouldn’t show up.

MARK NORMAND: Wow, he didn’t show up. That’s pretty smart.

JOE ROGAN: Allegedly, allegedly, DOJ is investigating former Congressman George Santos for insider trading on Kalshi. Yeah, hilarious.

ARI SHAFFIR: You can’t insider trade on Kalshi. But I mean, it’s like, they were like, why are you lying about everything?

JOE ROGAN: He’s like, “Oh, you lied about everything.” He lied about being Jewish. He said, “No, no, I’m Jew-ish.”

MARK NORMAND: I’m kind of—

JOE ROGAN: “I act like a Jew.” He’s like, fucking totally full of shit.

SHANE GILLIS: But I’m just saying, I’m like frugal.

ARI SHAFFIR: I get a lot of diarrhea.

JOE ROGAN: I get a lot of diarrhea.

ARI SHAFFIR: Diarrhea.

JOE ROGAN: You should go to a doctor, dude. You shouldn’t just deal with that.

MARK NORMAND: But I think the internet is a big part of why we’re so fucked. Yeah, but you can’t get rid of the internet.

ARI SHAFFIR: Well, I hate regulation, but you got to do something with it.

MARK NORMAND: So what do we do? That’s what I’m saying.

ARI SHAFFIR: Regulating that— it’s so bad for people.

MARK NORMAND: It’s horrible. It’s ruined—

JOE ROGAN: Well, you got to teach people to stay off it, but also you got to be like, guys, but they’re not—

ARI SHAFFIR: Society, you’re turning everyone against each other.

JOE ROGAN: And the problem is they’ve made so much money doing it, and there’s so much money now these corporations are holding, that they have so much influence over politicians. It’s really an extraordinary time where these tech oligarchs are really in control of a giant chunk of the narrative that shapes society, shapes our economy, shapes our social systems.

It shapes everything. There’s so much going on right now that it’s being manipulated by just a small amount of people. It’s kind of fucking nuts, and nobody saw it coming.

ARI SHAFFIR: They make comedians turn on other comedians so they can sell everybody Snickers.

SHANE GILLIS: I gotta pee again.

JOE ROGAN: Have you not gone yet?

MARK NORMAND: Not yet.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s had three drinks.

MARK NORMAND: I’ll see you now.

SHANE GILLIS: He’s on his third.

MARK NORMAND: Amazing. Hey, beer bong, couple other beers, whiskey.

ARI SHAFFIR: I’m blown out.

SHANE GILLIS: One with this— is your second whiskey.

MARK NORMAND: Third whiskey.

ARI SHAFFIR: Ah, little dram. Give me a dram of that.

MARK NORMAND: Hit it, baby. Can you catch it? Yes.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah.

MARK NORMAND: That’s a lot of glass.

SHANE GILLIS: You gotta toss it over that.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, that’s short.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, sorry, I came back for it.

MARK NORMAND: Steve Larkin, you got it, you got it.

SHANE GILLIS: All right, all right, J-Mo, toss up.

MARK NORMAND: We gotta figure out what we’re doing tonight because I don’t want you to go to bed. If you go home, it’s over.

ARI SHAFFIR: We gotta— it’s like, I’ll go out.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m just— you gotta go out and do stand-up right now.

ARI SHAFFIR: No, I’m not doing stand-up tonight.

MARK NORMAND: Oh really?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, I’m good. We’re going out right now.

MARK NORMAND: Should I not do stand-up?

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, we’re gonna go— we’re gonna be till 9:30 before we get out of there. It’s like, we’re gonna start.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, I’m definitely— ah, I’m not going to the club. I’m gonna go—

ARI SHAFFIR: O’Neal’s coming out, Edge is coming out.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh nice, you keep saying Edge.

ARI SHAFFIR: The Edge.

MARK NORMAND: I didn’t know his nickname either. How do we know his nickname?

SHANE GILLIS: Call him The Edge. Who started calling him The Edge?

ARI SHAFFIR: Tony.

SHANE GILLIS: Tony calls him The Edge?

ARI SHAFFIR: We all do. I’ll never—

SHANE GILLIS: The Edge, dude, if you’re getting your juice from Tony, you’re gay.

ARI SHAFFIR: No, we all do.

MARK NORMAND: Did you guys—

SHANE GILLIS: That’s right, Tony calls him The Edge.

ARI SHAFFIR: We all call him The Edge.

MARK NORMAND: Did y’all go to the Garden? Where were you guys?

ARI SHAFFIR: I was in London, England.

MARK NORMAND: Okay.

SHANE GILLIS: Charleston, South Carolina.

MARK NORMAND: I was in SF. That’s a great town.

ARI SHAFFIR: San Francisco rules.

SHANE GILLIS: San Francisco does rule.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s way back.

SHANE GILLIS: I always thought it ruled even in its darkest hour.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, it was a good—

ARI SHAFFIR: I like the signs they put up, like, hey, if you leave anything in your car, it won’t be there. Yeah, like, hey, we’ll try to help. It’s like, just don’t do that.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, it’s super rich people and super poor. Hop in town. Yeah, the whole bar town. Yes, yes, the water, Chinese food, the Italian food, North Beach.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, Italian food too, it’s great there.

SHANE GILLIS: I think San Francisco does rule.

MARK NORMAND: Oh my God, great town.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s walkable, you can walk across the whole—

JOE ROGAN: It’s great if you like the smell of human shit.

MARK NORMAND: There is some human shit.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s amazing if you like the smell.

SHANE GILLIS: You gotta ignore that. You gotta ignore it. Yeah, it’s good if you’re a black lab. Yeah, if you’re a golden retriever, you’re gonna love it.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, the whole city smells nuts. Hobos, homos, and Waymos.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, you’d be like, what?

ARI SHAFFIR: Chinatown in the summer, you’re like, oh my God, bring a dog there.

JOE ROGAN: Trust me, you don’t even know where to piss. Like, that was crazy. I’m just gonna squat right here. This place is nuts. Giant toilet. Well, it used to be so good, dude. I did a special there in 2016 and there was nothing wrong with the city.

MARK NORMAND: Where?

JOE ROGAN: At the Fillmore in San Francisco.

MARK NORMAND: Hell yeah. And it was amazing— Triggered.

JOE ROGAN: I did Triggered at the Fillmore.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s back. Their new mayor is like, we got to get live music here, cuz if people don’t go out, it won’t—

JOE ROGAN: The new mayor is ready to clean things up.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, starting with live music. You got to get people to come out to stuff.

JOE ROGAN: You got to patrol the streets. You got to clean up the homeless encampments. You got to put people in mental institutions. You got to get them clean.

MARK NORMAND: Use Alcatraz. It’s right there. Put them all in there.

JOE ROGAN: It’s going to take time. It’s like they fucked it up over a period of 8 to 10 years. It’s gonna take 30 to fix it. Nah, it’s gonna take so long to fix it. It’s always been homeless, and there’s so many people that are so attached to that whole idea.

MARK NORMAND: Great sections, always.

SHANE GILLIS: But compared to 20 years, where we’re at right now—

ARI SHAFFIR: No, no, I’m saying San Francisco’s never been clean.

JOE ROGAN: Sorry, listen to me.

SHANE GILLIS: I’m old right now. America’s like—

JOE ROGAN: I remember during the Reagan administration—

ARI SHAFFIR: Here too, it’s not— I’m saying it’s not just it got bad there.

JOE ROGAN: During the Reagan administration, that’s when homeless people really started becoming a thing because they changed the whole distinction with mental institutions. They let people go and they just let them out, and they were just wandering around. It was noticeable, and I remember this.

And then it really didn’t fucking change until like 2016, ’17. Then you started to see tents, and it’s like, this is weird, they’re just allowing tents. And then ’18, ’19, it ramped up. And then during the pandemic, it just caught fire.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, yeah, it’s bad.

ARI SHAFFIR: LA was like just downtown, a little pocket, and then it spread all the way to like—

JOE ROGAN: Oh, it wasn’t a little pocket, dude. I was filming Fear Factor there. No, but no, 55.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s spread all the way down Sunset. It’s everywhere.

JOE ROGAN: Skid Row is just the whole city. Yeah, the city is great, but a solid 55 blocks is Skid Row.

MARK NORMAND: It’s wild.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, burn it, dude. Burn it.

ARI SHAFFIR: If it was zombies, we would just throw bombs.

MARK NORMAND: Send bears out there or something. Just run them over, kill them.

JOE ROGAN: You gotta do something.

MARK NORMAND: Well, I was at the Tenderloin at a hotel, and I go— I asked the desk lady, “What should I do around here?” She just goes, “Don’t turn right.” Wow. Don’t turn— that’s the hotel lady. “Don’t go to the right, just go left.” Like, that’s half the city.

JOE ROGAN: Meanwhile, what’s the invisible barrier? Do they have dog collars on with electricity? What’s stopping them from going left?

MARK NORMAND: New York’s good right now.

SHANE GILLIS: New York’s fine.

ARI SHAFFIR: Yeah, Janice says the best quote about regular homeless. Yeah, regular. Janice says this, he goes, “The problem is New York City’s homeless doesn’t get out of line because every 10 years or so we burn one alive.”

SHANE GILLIS: An immigrant shows up and lights one on fire, and you go, hey, yeah, keeps you in check.

MARK NORMAND: Now they’re all like tap dancing and shit. They got— at least a New York homeless guy has got like moves, you know?

SHANE GILLIS: Well, I always had a preference for East Coast homeless. 100% heroin.

ARI SHAFFIR: They were asleep and they go away in the winter. They don’t breed during the winter.

MARK NORMAND: Sleeping. They dance.

SHANE GILLIS: West Coast homeless are all meth. They’ll scream and chase you.

MARK NORMAND: Oh, you go to Salt Lake City, you’re gonna get screaming and chasing.

JOE ROGAN: They have bad homeless.

ARI SHAFFIR: Oh, Salt Lake City’s bad for homeless.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, that was quick. That was quick, because that was quick. Yeah, I started stand-up out in Salt Lake. I was like, this is the best city. Yeah, this is the cleanest, nicest city.

MARK NORMAND: Wise Guys. Yeah, beautiful.

SHANE GILLIS: On the way in, great club. My buddies— I was like, wait till you see how nice this is. Then we landed and there’s 10 homeless guys chasing us, right?

MARK NORMAND: And then you got to bring them young, and it’s like utopia, that campus.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, the Mormons.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, the Mormons don’t fuck around.

ARI SHAFFIR: Homeless.

MARK NORMAND: Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: But yeah, it’s like, I don’t know why no one’s talking about that in politics.

SHANE GILLIS: Homelessness.

ARI SHAFFIR: Homelessness and fentanyl.

JOE ROGAN: Yeah.

ARI SHAFFIR: Clean it up. They don’t see any party talking about it.

JOE ROGAN: I mean, they do when it comes around.

MARK NORMAND: But it’s insensitive.

JOE ROGAN: The problem is there’s so much money in maintaining it.

SHANE GILLIS: That’s true.

MARK NORMAND: Money and homelessness. What a— what a—

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s like they’re breaking into rich people’s cars.

JOE ROGAN: $24 billion California spent and done nothing but increase the homelessness.

MARK NORMAND: Mm-hmm. The wrong area burned, and every big city explodes.

JOE ROGAN: Yep, and it’s recent. It’s a new thing. LA has had Skid Row forever because what they used to do with Skid Row is they would take people from— like, if there was a vagrant in Hollywood, they would take them and just put them in Skid Row, and they’d stay there, and they would literally block them in. They would give them food and services.

ARI SHAFFIR: So long—

JOE ROGAN: Wasn’t that small, dude. It’s an illusion. I was filming Fear Factor there in like 2004 or ’05, and I was driving home and I took the wrong turn. I was like, what the fuck? It was just blocks and blocks of cardboard boxes. Yes, and it was only Skid Row. Skid Row was nuts, man. Even then it was nuts. Now it’s 55 blocks. Do you understand how insane that is?

MARK NORMAND: Like what 55 blocks looks like— no, it’s always been that size, I think.

SHANE GILLIS: Yeah, that’s it.

MARK NORMAND: Back in the ’30s, there was somewhere in the range of 10,000 homeless people there, and there’s 4,400 now.

JOE ROGAN: There’s zero chance there’s more homeless people now than there were in the ’30s. Or in the ’30s there was more than there is now?

MARK NORMAND: No, that’s the ’30s.

SHANE GILLIS: That was the population of LA.

JOE ROGAN: Wait a minute, how many are there now? How many are there now?

MARK NORMAND: It says 4,400.

JOE ROGAN: Shut the fuck up.

SHANE GILLIS: You ever get an AI answer and they go, “Are you sure about that?”

ARI SHAFFIR: And they go, “Yeah, good point.”

JOE ROGAN: Jamie’s a goddamn fed.

MARK NORMAND: This is crazy.

JOE ROGAN: This is all Karen Bass, her statistics. It’s estimated—

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s now estimated 4,400. The population has been there since the ’30s, but it wasn’t that number. The estimate—

MARK NORMAND: It was more in the ’30s.

JOE ROGAN: Okay, but put this estimate in. How many homeless people are there in LA? Because the estimate is somewhere north of 70,000.

ARI SHAFFIR: I think it’s spread past Skid Row.

SHANE GILLIS: Citation.

MARK NORMAND: Which one?

JOE ROGAN: Number 4.

SHANE GILLIS: What was it? Estimated figure from LA Times in 2023. LA Times, liberal.

JOE ROGAN: Well, 2023, Biden administration. I don’t believe it. 55 blocks is not 4,000 people. It’s just not. It’s a lot more than that. They lie.

ARI SHAFFIR: I think it’s past— get real.

JOE ROGAN: Also, they’re not showing up and saying, “Mike, are you homeless?” Then they’re not—

MARK NORMAND: No, they chase you.

JOE ROGAN: They don’t have an accurate count. Okay, Los Angeles has approximately 73,000 homeless people in Los Angeles County, and 45,000 are the city of Los Angeles. And by the way, just a guess— they’re not accurate. They’re not doing a great job of it.

ARI SHAFFIR: It’s only a 3% increase over 2 years earlier, which is a lot.

JOE ROGAN: Shut your dirty hole, you lying communists. It’s probably 100,000. People move there just for the services and the weather. Yeah, it’s a great place to be homeless. You could survive sleeping on the street.

ARI SHAFFIR: You don’t freeze hanging outside Trey’s house.

MARK NORMAND: They say they’re testing the fent on the dogs.

ARI SHAFFIR: What do you mean?

MARK NORMAND: You hear that?

ARI SHAFFIR: No.

JOE ROGAN: What?

MARK NORMAND: Yeah, they get dogs and test to see if they die. Yeah, see if it’ll kill them, so they hit dogs. Oh my God, that’s the rumor. Jesus Christ, it’s all real.

SHANE GILLIS: Oh, the reels are nuts.

MARK NORMAND: I know, it’s bad. Your info, mostly?

JOE ROGAN: Yeah, that and your dad.

MARK NORMAND: Most people.

SHANE GILLIS: Well, that’s AI dogs, and then I get, you know, like—

JOE ROGAN: Boys, let’s wrap this up.

MARK NORMAND: All right, all right, it’s up.

JOE ROGAN: It’s almost 6:00.

ARI SHAFFIR: Everybody go see Tires, it’s on Netflix right now.

JOE ROGAN: Oh yeah, Tires season 3. Everybody, text message Ari because I know you got his phone number, and tell him to get the fuck out of England.

ARI SHAFFIR: You’re— find me mushrooms or weed. I’m definitely in need of them.

JOE ROGAN: Mark Normand, where you at?

MARK NORMAND: Hey, I’m all over the road. Check my website. I’m doing clubs and building a new hour. We Might Be Drunk, Tuesdays with Stories. I got an hour on Netflix that came out this year. We’ve Done Too Please. I’ll see you all in hell. Praise Allah.

JOE ROGAN: Comedybrothership.com. Love you guys.

ARI SHAFFIR: Bye.

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