Read the full transcript of Terry Nguyễn’s talk titled “Why Young Adults Don’t Need Your Advice” at TEDxDeerfield 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Challenge of Young Adult Transitions
Do you know any young adults who are wrestling with uncertainty or anxiety as they transition into adulthood? This has always been a challenging developmental phase, but especially now, post-COVID, for a generation that’s been socially isolated during key formative years, their teens. It’s something that I’ve encountered personally as a pediatrician, where my 18 and older patients keep coming back. They return looking for help despite being “adults.”
Are they returning for my adult medical expertise? Unlikely. They are mostly looking for a trusted non-parent who knows and understands them, and in many cases, since birth. Perhaps you’ve experienced your young adult returning home from a tough day.
The Shifting Parent-Child Dynamic
You sense that something is off, yet they divulge minimal information during your interrogation session. Reflexively, your problem-solving parent mode kicks in, and you share your pearls of wisdom, also known as advice, which then falls flat. What just happened? They needed you to fix everything in their lives up until now.
When did the rules change? How come you didn’t get the memo? Too often, we parents are caught up in our own stories. We’re well-intentioned. We want to help our children avoid repeating our mistakes. But that’s more about us than it is about them, isn’t it?
Think back. How often did you listen to your parents’ advice, in high school or college even? More likely, you rolled your eyes, closed your ears, and shut them out. The advice was too predictable, too drudgy. Times haven’t changed that much, have they?
The Alfred Approach
Do you recall Alfred the butler from Batman?
Alfred often stood silently behind dark curtains. He didn’t appear until Batman’s alter ego, Bruce Wayne, had a specific request. Only then would Alfred step out of the shadows, offering a tray with exactly what was needed for the occasion. And then, he disappeared again.
Be Alfred for your young adult. What young people need more than ever are safe spaces and supportive coaches along their adulting journey. Pediatricians are health coaches similar to sports coaches. We’re trained to listen, meet patients where they are, and collaborate with them to create a care plan that they are invested in.
Learning from Coaching Excellence
As your young adults transition into adulthood, parents can adopt a similar approach. That’s right. They can evolve as well, alongside their teens, from that of manager to coach. The most successful college basketball coach of all time, Tara VanDerveer, the women’s basketball coach at Stanford University for 40 years, made history this past January as the coach with the most wins in the history of the NCAA.
Surpassing Duke’s men’s basketball coach, K, who held the record prior. Amazing. Her teams won about 82% of their games. What’s her secret sauce? How does Coach T-Dog, as she is affectionately known on campus, consistently inspire and motivate her athletes?
What’s her secret sauce? In an interview with the New York Times, she shared her recipe: “Recognize everyone’s different. Understand where they’re at. Maximize people’s strengths. And minimize their weaknesses. Don’t micromanage. Seek input, take risks, and experiment.” In other words, effective coaching is a collaborative partnership, not a dictatorship.
Learning from Failure
I was lucky to encounter a great coach early on in medical school. One of my pathology professors. We had to meet because I failed. Yes, you heard that right. Failed my first exam. I felt demoralized.
One of my worst fears, failure, had become a reality. Yet when I sat nervously down with this grandfatherly professor, he put me at ease right away. He didn’t pontificate or offer generic reassurances. Instead, he took the time to listen and learn about me and my dreams.
He seemed familiar with student setbacks. He created a safe space for easy conversation, self-reflection, and validation. Most importantly, I felt heard and understood. He believed in my vision to have a broader impact beyond clinical medicine, and he opened doors to start me on my way.
The Power of Mental Fitness
With his help and that of a dean, we figured a way to combine my medical degree with a master’s degree in health policy and management at the same time and without additional tuition. Wowzers. Double bonus. Who knew a failure could end like this?
As I later learned from Adam Grant, the renowned organizational psychologist, my professor created the scaffold of support needed after a setback to continue moving forward on my journey. Indeed, a great coach can help you rebound, elevate your game, and help you soar. Coaches maximize their athlete’s innate potential through physical and mindset training.
A rule of thumb from psychology is that you need three positive thoughts for every one negative thought to maintain a positive mindset. Three to one. That takes dedicated practice, and while we all know when it’s time to hit the gym, nobody talks much about mental fitness.
What is mental fitness, by the way, you might say? Mental fitness is the capacity to respond to life’s challenges with a positive growth mindset, as in cup half full, rather than a negative scarcity mindset, cup half empty. It’s not taught in the classroom, and most of us don’t know where to start, but it can be learned from an effective coach.
Supporting Young Adults’ Journey
Mental fitness training begins with tuning into your inner wisdom and tuning out your inner critic. Young adults have a reservoir of inner wisdom. They need support to discover it for themselves.
So how can we adults help? Encourage taking risks, developing agency, and accepting failures as necessary steps in the process. Perfection isn’t the goal. Focus on mastery instead.
Just like in a gym, where reps are essential, it’s repeatedly overcoming challenges that build confidence and resilience. Young adults are in training to master the skill of adulting. There is no shortcut. They must experience the adventure for themselves.
A Personal Journey
I often remind my patient’s parents to pass over the keys to their young adult, move to the passenger seat, zip your lips, sit on your hands, and enjoy the ride. Literally, close your eyes. There’s an emergency brake if death is imminent. There’s a reason there’s that brake, in driver’s ed.
Hmm, you’re now not really believing me. You may be thinking, “easier said than done, Dr. Terry.” Absolutely. I’m in the midst of this adventure with my two young adult children, ages 17 and 20, and it’s been the wildest ride.
Has your young adult ever experienced a serious romantic relationship that perhaps triggered your parental anxiety? Some of you may be familiar with this feeling, and for those of you who haven’t, allow me to share. My easygoing son, whose superpower is making friends with anyone, anywhere, met a love interest late in high school, following the rough period of COVID social isolation.
Hooray, I thought! Something normal at last. I met his lovely girlfriend several times, and sensed she was, well, hmm, a bit further along her adulting journey than him. Though he was all smiles, I noticed telltale signs that signaled a potential breakup.
Being Alfred: A Parent’s Role
I repeatedly suppressed my urges to share my pearls of wisdom. After all, I had to practice what I preached. Zip up, Terry, and sit on your hands. Be Alfred.
After several breakups and makeups where they agreed to remain friends in between, my son had experienced enough of the rollercoaster ride, and he reluctantly stepped off. The relationship ended. My even-keeled optimistic son was indeed heartbroken, and I couldn’t do or say anything to lessen his pain or pass the time quicker.
What was I able to provide? An ear to listen when he permitted. I was even allowed to give the occasional hug. But no advice passed my lips. This was a nerve-wracking ride for me in the passenger seat with my son driving.
The Path Forward
But it was a rite of passage that had to be experienced at some point. What was my positive reframe? At least it happened while he had his support network physically nearby rather than thousands of miles away. Parents, let’s embrace our new role as coaches.
When your young adult comes into your room knocking on your door, often late at night, pause and ask, “Would you like to be heard, helped, or hugged?” Heard, helped, or hugged. That knock on your door is a gift and an opportunity for connection. Accept it graciously.
Listen with empathy and curiosity. Validate their thoughts and feelings. Rather than trying to fix the situation, pose questions to facilitate self-reflection and help them reach their own aha moment. Oftentimes, unloading their emotional burden provides relief in itself.
Final Steps
No fixing needed. Believe in them so they will believe in themselves. Again, be Alfred. I urge you, the next time you feel that burning impulse to be the parent manager on autopilot, fixing and offering advice, instead, activate the more effective parent coach.
Meet your young adult where they are:
Pause. Don’t react immediately.
Listen without interruption. Listen with curiosity and empathy.
Validate thoughts and feelings.
Facilitate deeper self-reflection and help them arrive at their own aha moment.
Believe in them.
Let’s commit to muscle memory. Pause. Listen. Validate. Facilitate. And believe. Repeat. Pause. Listen. Validate. Facilitate. Believe. You got this, Alfred. Thank you for listening.
