Here is the full transcript of author and executive leadership consult Kris Girrell’s TEDx Talk: How We’ve Been Misled by ‘Emotional Intelligence’ at TEDxNatick conference.
You know, we’d all be a whole lot better if we could just learn to speak in equations. That’s what a scientist once told me, once when I was working with him on his leadership skills. Of course, you and I know how awful that would be, because most of what we receive in communication happens beyond the words we speak, in the form of the cues that we pick up from each other. And people who are able to pick up on those cues are said to have emotional intelligence.
Research also tells us that great leaders are also good at emotional intelligence. But my question is: what if you’re not so good. Is something that you can learn? Is there something that opens up that emotional can of worms inside and helps us better understand what’s going on inside us and our friends and our co-workers?
Well, about five years ago, I experienced a perfect storm of three things coming together that opened this conversation for me. And I’d like to share with you what happened in the process.
The first was, I had just written a book called A Married Man’s Survival Guide, which was based on having interviewed a bunch of men who had been monogamously married for 35 to 60 years. So I had a fresh set of clues that perhaps I was not the only man around who had a fairly skimpy emotional toolbox.
The second thing was, I had begun researching a theological principle called the dark night of the soul which is that scary place where everything that you hold to be true in explaining how the world works no longer explains your current situation. I’ll get to that in a minute.
The third thing was, I was hired by a pharmaceutical firm to come in and work with their senior R&D managers on the topic of emotional intelligence. And it’s there that my story begins.
Now I’m sure a lot of you watch television and you’re familiar with the Big Bang Theory, and therefore the character of Sheldon. Imagine a whole roomful of Sheldons. Guys — and they were all guys, who had been hired because of their intelligence each of whom thought he was the brightest in the room. And then we’re promoted for those same skills and now we’re being moved into senior leadership. But the only problem is at that level you can’t leave by being the brightest kid in the room, it actually comes across as abrasive and arrogant.
But at the same time I just couldn’t walk in and start talking to them about emotions, because it wasn’t part of the equation that any one of them had ever learned. I was just a little bit upset and curious about where to start, because most of these guys were, when I would classify as emotionally binary, that is to say – if you asked them how they felt, they’d either say good or bad.
So I was struggling with how to come up with a way to talk to them about emotions, and the fact that perhaps frustration wasn’t the same as anger. And that managing people in different emotional states was actually something that required different skills.
And then one day I was having lunch with a friend of mine and he noticed that she had a poster up on the wall of vegetables, only it was arranged in a periodic table like that thing that we had to remember in high school chemistry.