Full transcript of author and consultant Brian Fretwell’s TEDx Talk: What a 15-Year-Old Meth Addict Taught Me About Leadership at TEDxBoise conference. This event occurred on May 5, 2018. Mr. Fretwell is a speaker, consultant and founder of Why We Win.
Notable quote from this talk:
“But most of us, and certainly me at the time, we stop asking way too soon. See, we stop asking questions when it becomes uncomfortable. We stop asking questions when we get a little bit of a pushback.”
Brian Fretwell – Leadership Educator
When I was 22 years old, I took a job in the chemical addictions unit of the juvenile corrections facility. I was a teacher.
My students had various criminal backgrounds, often drug addicts, drug dealers, and gang members.
Now, I knew this job would be a challenge. Matter of fact, that’s why I took it.
See, like many of you, I wanted to make a difference in my community. I saw an opportunity to lead these kids to a better life.
And for the first few months, that’s exactly what it felt like I was doing, like, they were listening to me. They were interested in what I had to say. They were progressing through their programs. They were getting out.
Until I met Nathan.
Nathan was a 15-year-old methamphetamine addict. You could see the life he had lived through the gang tattoos, the scars from fights before, his emaciated body and issues with his teeth from the meth. Was the first kid I’d seen like this.
But there was something unique about Nathan. Nathan was one of the most honest kids I’d ever met. He had this, like, incessant capacity to always tell you the truth.
Now, don’t get me wrong, he tried to lie a few times. But all you had to do was stare at him for just a couple of seconds, and he’d spill his guts about whatever it is he was trying to hide. It made him super easy to work with, but also made him real easy to like.
Now, for most of these kids, part of their program, when they get to this certain point, they have to come up with a plan for what they’re going to do when they leave juvenile corrections.
And as you can imagine, this was a pretty simple process. I mean, they knew what we wanted them to say, they knew what they were supposed to do. All they had to do was write it down and say it out loud.
Only, when we asked Nathan what his plan was, he looked me right in the eye and said, “Mr Fretwell, when I get back in the community, I’m going to continue using meth.” He hadn’t even tried to come up with a plan.
And as I told you, I liked Nathan, so this was frustrating, and so I went to hard work for the next two or three weeks of trying to convince him, like charts and graphs, and showing him all of this, like telling him, like, you know that you have family members that are dead or in jail from this.
I would work all day trying to get him to see the light, but the more I tried to convince him, the less it seemed to matter to him.
As teachers, one of the best parts of the job is those “aha” moments, right? It’s the time when you see the glimmer in a kid’s eye, when they get all excited, like their whole world can open up by just understanding an algebraic equation or something as complex as maybe the electoral college, yeah?
For Nathan, however, when it came to his future, there was nothing for him to learn, nothing he thought he needed to discover, nothing he didn’t — that I could tell him that he didn’t already know.
See, he understood the plan he was supposed to create. He just knew he wasn’t going to follow through. Whatever leadership position you’ve found yourself in, whether that’s a manager, or a teacher, or a parent, or just a friend, you’ve likely been in this situation.
It’s that time when you’ve told somebody a thousand times what to do. When you’ve begged and pleaded with them, when you’ve come up with a hundred solutions, but you both know they’re not going to follow through. It’s like you do all the work coming up with a solution, but they’re not going to do any solving the problem.
When you come to these times, it’s interesting to think about, like, it’s sort of naive that we actually think an answer is going to change a behavior. Because if it was simply about having a solution to the problem, we could get everybody to quit smoking by – and brace yourselves – smoking is bad for you. That doesn’t work.
I can’t get you to start saving by just having you read a pamphlet about compounding interest. I can’t get you to go work out just by telling you, “Hey, your body burns calories, and if you move around a little bit, you can burn those calories.”
Now, as a leadership consultant for the last 15 years, I’ve seen this week in and week out all over the world. It’s this point we come to when the convincing no longer works. When we’ve come up with the answer, but we know there’s going to be no follow through. It’s when we get to these points that it’s important to take a step back, to maybe reevaluate our perspective of leadership, like the underlying definition.
In Latin, they didn’t have a word for leadership. It was a limited language, so they co-opted other words, and one of the words that scholars believe they use in place of leadership was adduco. Adduco means to extract from, to draw out, or to grow from within.
And it’s this understanding that I didn’t have at the time. I didn’t know adduco 20 years ago, but I was just about to get a crash course on what it meant in application.
See, I continue to struggle with Nathan. And this guy I was working with, his name was Sal, he noticed I wasn’t doing very well, and to this day, I don’t know if he felt sorry for me, or if he was just tired of me making more work for him with these other kids, but he decided to intervene.