Here is the full transcript of psychologist Michael Ballard’s talk titled “Why Is It So Hard To Apologize?” at TEDxBreckenridge conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Difficulty of Apologizing
I’ve heard it said that the three hardest things in the world to say are “I’m sorry,” “I need help,” and “Worcestershire sauce.” In 1302, the city of Florence, Italy banned the famous poet Dante for ideas that were considered blasphemous at the time. He was later burned at the stake. But the city of Florence felt bad and publicly apologized in 2016, over 700 years later.
I think the truth is, like the city of Florence, most of us are terrible at apologizing. As a psychologist, I meet with people every day who struggle to say the words “I’m sorry.” And it’s not just me. Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship knows how hard it can be to say those two little words.
It’s so easy for us to get stubborn, prideful, and defensive, and so hard for us to just admit that we were wrong. Family members refuse to talk to each other for years because neither side wants to be the first to give in. So why is it so hard for us to apologize?
Three Reasons We Struggle to Apologize
After studying this topic thoroughly, I’ve discovered that there are three major reasons why we stink at apologizing. So if you know someone who refuses to apologize, or if that someone is you, then listen up. The first reason we struggle to apologize is we don’t want to face the consequences of our actions. Whether we’re 7 or 37, the bottom line is the same.
We don’t want to get in trouble. So we make excuses, blame others, or just flat out lie. Over time, this can lead to all sorts of sneaky, dishonest, and manipulative behaviors.
The second barrier we face in apologizing is our perfectionism. This reminds me of a patient I’ll call Adam. See if his story resonates with you. After growing up in a troubled home, Adam developed a core belief that he had to be good and right in order to be worthy and loved. He would see even his smallest mistakes as huge problems with giant consequences, so he would relentlessly fight the idea that he was wrong.
You see, Adam believed that admitting fault diminished his worth and value as a person. It’s actually quite sad when you think about it. He had to be right because his identity was at stake, and that doesn’t leave a lot of room for an apology.
The third reason we struggle to apologize is our pride. Our pride whispers in our ear that we’re right and the other person’s wrong. “Me apologize? He’s the one who’s a total jerk.” When we’re prideful, we tend to say things like, “I’m sorry if,” “I’m sorry you,” or “I’m sorry but.” “I’m sorry if my comments seemed inappropriate.” “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Isn’t that one gross?
Or “I’m sorry I called you out in front of our friends, but you were totally out of line.” Never ever apologize like this because you’re not really apologizing at all. But let me tell you a secret. The real reason we struggle to apologize is much deeper and more pervasive. Did you notice it? Did you catch the pattern? In all of these examples, the apology was about us.
The Real Reason We Struggle to Apologize
Like a celebrity making a gross public apology, we’ve made it all about us. As kids, we were taught to apologize and “think about what you did,” but we’ve completely forgotten the other person. We aren’t thinking about them at all. To state the obvious, when you fight with someone, your natural instinct is to have your side, not theirs.
And that makes me wonder if the real reason we struggle to apologize is that we struggle with empathy. You’ve probably heard it said that empathy is “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes.” It’s a beautiful idea and so important, but it’s also really hard. Have you ever thought about what it would actually be like to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes?
These are my family’s shoes. I got a little emotional there. Love you guys. If I were to try to actually walk a whole mile in any of these, I would be miserable. And maybe there’s a lesson there for us. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is hard. And if I need to apologize to you, it might be uncomfortable for me too. What I’m asking is not going to be easy.
Understanding somebody else’s point of view can feel almost impossible. But if I’ve hurt you and I want to make things right, I really can’t unless I can understand what the experience was like for you, not what it was like for me. This reminds me of a patient I’ll call Jennifer.
Jennifer dropped her kids off at school one day and then had a terrible morning. So she went to the spa to get a massage and relax, which is great, except when the school called because her kids were still waiting to be picked up. That night, her husband was really mad because he had to leave work early to get the kids.
But Jennifer doubled down and she refused to apologize. “I had a terrible day and I need to take care of me. I have nothing to apologize for.” Sadly, like most of us, she was missing the point. She was thinking about her side and her actions. Her self-care wasn’t that bad, and it wasn’t, but she wasn’t considering the distress that she caused her kids, or the inconvenience she caused her husband, or the extra work she caused the school staff. She didn’t think about any of these.
Practicing Empathy in Apologizing
Recently, I was the one who messed up and had to practice apologizing.