Here is the full transcript of Business Strategy executive Hazel Sy’s talk titled “You Shouldn’t Feel Guilty About Childcare” at TEDxDanville 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
A Mother’s Journey
My four-year-old daughter told me, “Mom, I love my life.” I tell you, when she said that, everything felt just right. I just love my morning routine with my twins because my days usually start with a double hug. And on the days I go to work before they wake, I tiptoe into their room to give each one a hug and a kiss.
And I always get a little squeeze from each of them before they drift back to sleep. But life wasn’t always so peaceful. I remember the crushing weight of feeling overwhelmed when my daughters were born. Now, there were moments when I would hold them close and feel such a sense of wonder.
The Challenges of Motherhood
But that feeling was diminished by my utter exhaustion. I was depleted and barely surviving, only able to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. They needed constant care, they wouldn’t fall asleep, and someone was always crying. And sometimes, the one crying was me.
The rare times I could find 15 minutes for myself, I had to choose: eat, sleep, or shower. Everything I did was for them, and I became known as Sophia and Emily’s mom. I really felt like I lost who I was, a woman with aspirations to make a meaningful impact in this world. You see, we had a plan.
The Reality of Childcare
My in-laws were going to move closer to help with the kids when I returned to work. But twins are four times the work, and with my in-laws nearing retirement age, they soon realized they couldn’t keep up.
I struggled with the guilt of thinking about handing my kids over to strangers. And the high cost of childcare really drove home the stark reality that many working mothers face.
Working just to pay someone else to take care of your children! There are various forms of childcare, but many mothers have to rely on paid childcare because of the dependability and consistency they need to continue to work. To put this into perspective, the cost of infant care for one child is 11.9% the median family income in Kentucky. On average, that’s 17.1% across the U.S.
This is equivalent to working full-time from January to June for someone earning minimum wage. And with two children, this can easily consume all of one parent’s income. I heard so many stories from frustrated friends that all of their income goes towards childcare. And they constantly ask themselves the question, should I quit?
While public policy for childcare has a lot of room for improvement, I couldn’t wait for reforms that were years down the road. Like countless other mothers, I had to deal with the reality of today. I had to make a decision. Was I only Sophia and Emily’s mom, or could I be the woman I once was?
Rediscovering Identity
I had to ask myself, who am I? Through my soul-searching, I had a revelation. I yearned to be a mom and… a mom and a leader, steering transformative change in the corporate world. A mom and an advocate, striving to make a better world for animals and children. A mom and an artist, finding joy in capturing the play of light across the scene.
Most importantly, I wanted to be a mom and a role model for my daughters, nurturing them to become strong women who fearlessly chase their dreams. I came to realize that childcare is not just an investment. It was an investment in my career, an investment in my own identity, and an investment in my children’s future.
The Value of Investment
Instead of just an expense that goes out the door, I came to realize that childcare is an asset that provides long-term returns. I also value the investment in my identity. I was curious to find out about the experiences of other mothers, especially those whose kids are all grown up.
What would they do again, and what do they regret? One mother’s story deeply resonated with me. She came from a single-parent family, and her mom and the five kids were living on welfare. This little girl swore that she was going to get out of there.
A Mother’s Inspiring Story
She worked her butt off and never gave up, eventually reaching the position of senior vice president at a major consumer brand. She had finally made it. When she became a mother, she ended up leaving her career to focus on her family. But all her life, her identity was closely tied to the impact she made in her career.
And she found that becoming a full-time mother left her feeling empty inside. So when the opportunity arose for her to take on consulting work, she went for it. She said, “Consulting saved me.” Despite scrambling to get babysitters, she would do it all over again because it allowed her to preserve her sense of self.
Personal Reflection
These words struck a profound chord within me because they encapsulated the heart of my own personal journey. My identity and sense of fulfillment are also intertwined with the impact I make in my career and on the world at large.
Before becoming a mother, I got so much satisfaction from literally saving lives by founding a non-profit animal rescue. I got so much energy by inspiring the next generation when I established a mentor program at a New York City high school.
And investing in childcare means that I can carve out the time to continue to make this kind of impact on the world. These days, when my kids are in after-school care, I drive cats to the vet, squeeze in calls with adopters, or hop on video chats training rescuers and fosters across the globe.
But carving out this time for my passions is also an investment in my children. Through my hands-on rescue work, I’m able to show my daughters the value of compassion and the grit to make a positive impact, even when a situation may seem bleak.
Inspiring the Next Generation
After-school care gives me the time and ability to directly role model the values I want to instill in my children. I just love that little Sophia told me that she wants to save the chimpanzees, just like Jane Goodall. And Emily, well, she boldly declared her mission to save the dinosaurs. I didn’t want to burst her bubble, so I assured Emily that she could indeed help preserve their fossils.
And carving out this time let me be an example for my daughters of how a strong, confident woman reaches for her dreams. As I continue to include my daughters in my passions, I came to a profound realization. I had it all backward. I wasn’t just a mom and something else. I was myself and a mom.
Rediscovering myself wasn’t a return to who I was before. Motherhood made me even more. Remember that time when I helped two people at work become friends? Well, as a mom, I invested countless hours in conscious parenting. I would quietly sit with my daughters when they were in tears or were angry. I would empathize and honestly acknowledge their frustration.
It wasn’t easy to do this and have the patience for it because my brain is wired to jump straight to solving the problem thanks to my years in management consulting. But with practice, I learned to meet my children where they’re at and to take time to connect with them before taking them on the journey with their wholehearted participation.
This approach became my default both at home and at work. And this is how I was able to understand the needs, challenges, and goals of numerous individuals across multiple businesses to unite us behind a shared vision.
Balancing Act
Even though my shift in mindset that childcare is an investment gives me an overall sense of calm and peace. Being myself and a mom means that there are many days when life is hectic. I’m often the last person rushing in to pick up my kids from after-school care. And I’m usually sprinting from my car and sheepishly eking in at 6:03 p.m. when the cutoff for pickup is at 6 p.m.
But this investment is worth it. So the next time you have to drop off your son to daycare or are budgeting to be able to pay the babysitter, instead of second-guessing your choice, think of how this helps you carve out time to invest in yourself, to invest in your own. Thank you.
