Simon Sinek Best Ever Motivational Speech (Transcript)

The infinite player isn’t playing to be number one every day with every product. They’re playing to outlast the competition. How do we advance our cause more efficiently, more productively than we did yesterday?

The world is too dangerous and the world is too difficult for you to think that you can do these things alone. Empathy is being concerned about the human being, not just their output. You want to be an elite warrior? It’s not about how tough you are. It’s not about how smart you are. It’s not about how fast you are. If you want to be an elite warrior, you better get really, really good at helping the person to the left of you and helping the person to the right of you.

The Addicted Generation

You’re dealing with an addicted generation. This is a big time bomb ticking. These kids who commit suicide, you go look at their Instagrams, you would have no clue that they were depressed. If you wake up and you check your phone before you say good morning to your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse, you have a problem. If you say good morning to your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse, you have an addiction.

And like all addiction, in time it’ll destroy relationships, it’ll cost time and it’ll cost money and it’ll make your life worse. You’re dealing with an addicted generation. This is a big time bomb ticking. It will get really worse.

So combine that with the fact that you have an addicted generation that doesn’t have the skill set to ask for help. Combine it with the fact that they’re so good at Facebook and Instagram, they’re good at putting filters on everything. They’re good at showing you how smart and strong they are. These kids who commit suicide, you go look at their Instagrams, you would have no clue that they were depressed. They’re happy and they’re star athletes. You’d have no clue because they’re really good.

The Failed Parenting Strategy

So when we say silly things like, “My door is always open,” you’re assuming they have the courage to come in. Combine with the fact that they’re subject largely, not all, but too many, to a failed parenting strategy. Because their parents told them they were special, they could have anything they wanted, they could be anything they want. They got medals for coming in last. The kids got into honors classes, not because they deserved it, but because the parents complained. And some of them got good grades, not because they earned them, but because the teachers didn’t want to deal with the parents.

And then the kids graduate college and they get a job. And in an instant, they find out they’re not special. They don’t get anything for coming in last. Their parents can’t get them a promotion. And you can’t have whatever you want just because you want it. And in an instant, their entire self-image is shattered.

And so you have an entire generation growing up with lower self-confidence than previous generations.

The Impact of Social Media and Technology

So you have lower self-confidence than previous generations, combined with an inability to ask for help with things that you’re struggling with. And you turn to social media, your device, you keep checking, you keep checking, you count your likes, you count your likes, you count your followers, you count your followers. And if somebody unfriends you, oh my God, it’s trauma.

We’re growing up in a Facebook, Instagram world. In other words, we’re good at putting filters on things. We’re good at showing people that life is amazing, even though I’m depressed. And so everybody sounds tough. And everybody sounds like they got it all figured out. And the reality is there’s very little toughness and most people don’t have it figured out.

Now let’s add in technology. We know that engagement with social media and our cell phones releases a chemical called dopamine. That’s why when you get a text, it feels good. Dopamine is the exact same chemical that makes us feel good when we smoke, when we drink, and when we gamble. In other words, it’s highly, highly addictive.

And you have an entire generation that has access to an addictive, numbing chemical called dopamine through social media and cell phones. They don’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with stress.

So when significant stress starts to show up in their lives, they’re not turning to a person. They’re turning to a device. They’re turning to social media. They’re turning to these things which offer temporary relief.

We know, the science is clear, we know that people who spend more time on Facebook suffer higher rates of depression than people who spend less time on Facebook. If you’re sitting at dinner with your friends and you’re texting somebody who’s not there, that’s a problem. That’s an addiction. If you’re sitting in a meeting with people you’re supposed to be listening to and speaking and you put your phone on the table, face up or face down, I don’t care, that sends a subconscious message to the room that you’re just not that important to me right now, right?

The Challenge of Instant Gratification

Combined with the fact there’s an institutionalized impatience, they’ve grown up in a world of instant gratification. You want to buy something? You go on Amazon, it shows up the next day. You want to get in touch with someone? You don’t leave a message on their machine and wait four hours for them to get the message. You just text them and they get back to you immediately. You want to watch a movie? You just log on and watch it. You don’t have to check movie times. Everything happens instantly. You want to get a date? Swipe right. You don’t even have to muster up the courage to go like, “Hey, you know.” You don’t have to. There you go, got a date.

Everything you want, you can have instantaneously. Everything you want, instant gratification. Except job satisfaction and strength of relationships. There ain’t no app for that. They are slow, meandering, uncomfortable, messy processes.

And so the problem is they’re accused of being entitled. I don’t think they’re entitled at all. Not at all. I think they’re impatient.

The Mountain of Career and Life

I keep meeting these fantastic, smart, driven, ambitious, idealistic, fantastic kids who graduated school, they got a job, they want to make an impact in the world. And I go up to them and say, “How is it going?” And they say, “I think I’m going to quit.” I’m like, “Why?” They’re like, “I’m not making an impact.” I’m like, “You’ve been here eight months.”

And it’s as if they see the summit of a mountain. It’s as if they’re standing at the foot of a mountain. They can see the summit. They can see the thing they want. I want to make an impact. What they don’t see is the mountain. This large, immovable object. You can go up fast. You can go up slow. I don’t care. But there’s still a mountain.

What they don’t understand is that life, that relationships and career fulfillment are a journey. There’s no app for that. I got nothing. You’ve got to go through the slow, plodding, annoying, meandering process called career and life.

But if they don’t get it in eight months, they go look for it somewhere else. They don’t get it. They go look for it. It’s impatience. And so what this young generation needs to learn is patience. That some things that really, really matter, like love or job fulfillment, joy, love of life, self-confidence, a skill set, any of these things, all of these things take time. Sometimes you can expedite pieces of it. But the overall journey is arduous and long and difficult. And if you don’t ask for help and learn that skill set, you will fall off the mountain.

The Corporate Responsibility

We’re taking this amazing group of young, fantastic kids who had just dealt a bad hand. It’s no fault of their own. And we put them in corporate environments that care more about the numbers than they do about the kids. They care more about the short-term gains than the long-term life of this young human being. We care more about the year than the lifetime, right?

And so we are putting them in corporate environments that aren’t helping them build their confidence, that aren’t helping them learn the skills of cooperation, that aren’t helping them overcome the challenges of a digital world and finding more balance. That isn’t helping them overcome the need to have instant gratification and teach them the joys and impact and the fulfillment you get from working hard on something for a long time that cannot be done in a month or even in a year.

And so we’re thrusting to them in corporate environments. And the worst part about it is they think it’s them. They blame themselves. They think it’s them who can’t deal. And so it makes it all worse. It’s not. I’m here to tell them. It’s not them. It’s the corporations. It’s the corporate environments. It’s the total lack of good leadership in our world today that is making them feel the way they do.

They’re just numbers on a spreadsheet. And so they enter work cultures that don’t help them. And the problem is they’re entering the workforce at a deficit. I hear from kids. They tell me that they struggle to form deep meaningful relationships and the companies don’t care.

I wish that society and their parents did a better job. They didn’t. So we’re getting them in our companies and we now have to pick up the slack. We have to work extra hard to figure out the ways that we build their competence. We have to work extra hard to find ways to teach them the social skills that they’re missing out on.

And so it’s destructive to them as individuals, but ultimately it’ll hurt the companies because more and more millennials are entering the workforce. I believe that now the responsibility on companies is even greater than it’s ever been before to take care of its people.

Because if the environments in which we’re asking our youngest workers to work in isn’t built to help them, I can’t even imagine what the suicide and homicide and just the rates of depression, you know, and accidental deaths due to overdose are going to look like in the future. It’s going to reach epidemic proportions. It’s already, the statistics are already alarming and yet nobody’s sounding any alarm bells.

The Need for Intervention

Parents have to intervene. We have to stop giving our kids free access to social media and phones at young ages. They are not ready for it. Their minds cannot cope with the dopamine. Balance is fine. You can give a kid a phone, but they can’t use it in their bedroom. They can’t have it at the dinner table. They can’t take it to school. They can only have it up to a certain hour and you take it away. They’re children. You can take the phone away.

We’ve got to intervene as parents. But as companies, we now have to deal with the influx of kids that are coming into our companies with addiction.

Are you okay? I’m worried about you. What’s going on? We all have performance issues. Maybe someone’s kid is sick. Maybe they’re having problems in their marriage. Maybe one of their parents is dying. We don’t know what’s going on in their lives.

The Impact of Outdated Business Theories

And of course it will affect performance at work. Empathy is being concerned about the human being, not just their output. We have, for some reason, our work world has changed over the past 20 and 30 years. We are suffering the side effects of business theories left over from the 80s and 90s. And they are bad for people. And they are bad for business.

Let me give you an example. The concept of shareholder supremacy was a theory proposed in the late 1970s. It was popularized in the 80s and 90s. It is now standard form today. You talk to any public company and you ask them their priority. And they say maximize shareholder value.

Really? That’s like a coach prioritizing the needs of the fans over the needs of the players. How are you going to build a winning team with that model? But that’s normal today. We don’t even perceive it as broken or damaged or wrong or outdated.

Remember, the 80s and 90s were boom years with relative peace and a kinder, gentler Cold War. Nobody was practicing hiding under their desks in school anymore. We are no longer in those times. These are no longer boom years. These are no longer peaceful times. And those models cannot work today.

The Destructive Nature of Mass Layoffs

Here’s another one. Mass layoffs. Using someone’s livelihood to balance the books. Right? It’s so normal in America today that we don’t even understand how broken and how damaging it is. Not only to human beings, but to business.

You know, companies talk about how they want to build trust and cooperation. They announce a round of layoffs. Do you know the quickest way to destroy trust and destroy cooperation in a business? Literally in one day? Lay people off. And everyone gets scared.

Can you imagine sending someone home to say, “Honey, I can no longer provide for our family because the company missed arbitrary projections this year.” And forget about the people who lost their job. Think about the people who kept their jobs. Because every single decision a company makes is a piece of communication.

And the company has just communicated to everybody else, “This is not a meritocracy. We don’t care how hard you work or how long you’ve worked here. If we miss our numbers and you happen to fall on the wrong side of the spreadsheet, I’m sorry, we cannot guarantee employment.” In other words, we come to work every day afraid.

Where how would any of us ever stand up and admit, “I made a mistake?” Take care of each other.

Lessons from Navy SEALs: The Power of Helping Others

The United States Navy SEALs are perhaps the most elite warriors in the world. And one of the SEALs was asked, “Who makes it through the selection process? Who is able to become a SEAL?” And his answer was, “I can’t tell you the kind of person that becomes a SEAL. I can’t tell you the kind of person that makes it through BUDs. But I can tell you the kind of people who don’t become SEALs.”

He says the guys that show up with huge bulging muscles covered in tattoos who want to prove to the world how tough they are. None of them make it through. He said the preening leaders who like to delegate all their responsibility and never do anything themselves. None of them make it through. He said the star college athletes who’ve never really been tested to the core of their being. None of them make it through.

He said some of the guys that make it through are skinny and scrawny. He said some of the guys that make it through, you will see them shivering out of fear. He says, however, all the guys that make it through, when they find themselves physically spent, emotionally spent, when they have nothing left to give physically or emotionally, somehow, some way, they are able to find the energy to dig down deep inside themselves to find the energy to help the guy next to them. They become SEALs, he said.

You want to be an elite warrior. It’s not about how tough you are. It’s not about how smart you are. It’s not about how fast you are. If you want to be an elite warrior, you better get really, really good at helping the person to the left of you and helping the person to the right of you. Because that’s how people advance in the world.

The world is too dangerous and the world is too difficult for you to think that you can do these things alone. If you find your spark, I commend you. Now, who are you going to ask for help? And when are you going to accept help when it’s offered?

Learn that skill. Learn by practicing helping each other. It’ll be the single most valuable thing you ever learn in your entire life. To accept help when it’s offered and to ask for it when you know that you can’t do it.

The amazing thing is when you learn to ask for help, you’ll discover that there are people all around you who’ve always wanted to help you. They just didn’t think you needed it because you kept pretending that you had everything under control. And the minute you say, “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m stuck. I’m scared. I don’t think I can do this.” You will find that lots of people who love you will rush in and take care of you. But that’ll only happen if you learn to take care of them first.

Fulfillment vs. Happiness

I don’t like the term happiness. I like the term fulfillment. I like the term joy, you know? Happiness to me is something that is fleeting. And you can have happiness because you win the piece of business or you hit your numbers or you go see a movie or… And happiness is wonderful and it’s great. And then it goes away, you know? It doesn’t last.

Where deep fulfillment, I think, is a much higher standard. It’s… Let me equate it to, like, you don’t like your kids every day, but you love your kids every day. You don’t have to be happy every day, but you can be fulfilled every day. You don’t have to be… You don’t have to like your job every day, but you can love your job every day. And I think that people confuse the two.

And people are seeking happiness in their work. And they’re doing it through all the ways you would think they would do it in short-term things. They’re like, you know… And you see it the way we lead young people too, which is we put in free food and bean bags and all these fun things at the office because we want to make our employees happy. And it absolutely works. It just doesn’t make them fulfilled. And they still are unhappy and they still quit. Or they still are unfulfilled and they still quit. And I think this is the problem.

I think we’ve confused the terms because they’re not the same. So I’m more interested in people finding deep fulfillment in their work. And I’m sure they will find happiness throughout that also.

The True Meaning of Vulnerability in Leadership

We’re constantly being told you have to be vulnerable. Leaders are vulnerable. What does that even mean? It doesn’t mean you walk around crying. “I’m vulnerable,” right? No, what vulnerability means is you create an environment in which someone feels safe enough to raise their hand and said, “I don’t know what I’m doing. You’ve given me a job and I haven’t been trained to do it. I need help. I made a mistake. I screwed something up. I’m scared. I’m worried.”

All of these things no one would ever admit inside a company because it puts a target on your head in case there’s another round. And so we keep it to ourselves. And how can a company ever do well if nobody’s ever willing to admit they made a mistake that’s scared or they don’t know what they’re doing. And so we’ve literally created cultures in which every single day everybody comes to work and lies, hides and fakes.

And we’re asking our youngest generation to work and succeed and find themselves and build their confidence and overcome their addiction to technology and build strong relationships that work. We’re asking them to do this. And these are the environments we’ve created. We keep saying to them, “You’re the future leaders.” We’re the leaders now. We’re in control. What are we doing?

The Practice of Empathy

This is what empathy means. It means if there’s an entire generation struggling, maybe it’s not them. It’s like, you know, the only thing that I, that the common factor in all my failed relationships, me. Same thing. Well, we just can’t get the right, you know, the right performance out of our people. Maybe it’s you, right? It’s not a generation. It’s not them. They’re not difficult or hard to understand. They’re human beings like the rest of us trying to find their way, trying to work in a place where they feel that someone cares about them as a human being.

By the way, that’s what we all want. In other words, it’s not even generational. It’s all of us. This is the practice of empathy. That if we’re struggling to communicate to someone, if we’re struggling to help someone be at their natural best. I’m tired of people saying to me, “How do I get the best out of my people?” Really? That’s what you want? They’re like a pal. You just ring them. How can I get the most out of them? No, how do I help my people be at their natural best?

Right? We’re not asking these questions. We are not practicing empathy. We have to start by practicing empathy and relate to what they may be going through. And it will profoundly change the decisions we make. It will profoundly change the way we see the world.

Someone’s driving to work. You’re driving to work. And someone wants to cut into your lane. What do you do? Do you pull your car up? Or do you let them in? Most of us pull our cars up and go like this. “You wait your turn.” Now let’s practice empathy. I don’t know. Maybe they’ve been out of work for six months. Maybe they had trouble getting the kids out to school this morning. And now they’re running late for a really important interview. And they just have to get to this interview. And they’re going to cut into our lane. Or maybe they’re just a bastard. I don’t know. But that’s the point. We don’t know. We don’t know. And the practice of empathy will say, I’ll let them in. And I’ll arrive to work. I’ll arrive to work one car length late.

Nelson Mandela’s Leadership Lesson: Being the Last to Speak

Nelson Mandela is a particularly special case study in the leadership world. Because he is universally regarded as a great leader. You can take other personalities. And depending on the nation you go to, we have different opinions about other personalities. But Nelson Mandela across the world is universally regarded as a great leader. He was actually the son of a tribal chief. And he was asked one day, how did you learn to be a great leader?

And he responded that he would go with his father to tribal meetings. And he remembers two things when his father would meet with other elders. One, they would always sit in a circle. And two, his father was always the last to speak.

You will be told your whole life that you need to learn to listen. I would say that you need to learn to be the last to speak.

I see it in boardrooms every day of the week. Even people who consider themselves good leaders, who may actually be decent leaders, will walk into a room and say, “Here’s the problem. Here’s what I think. But I’m interested in your opinion. Let’s go around the room.” It’s too late.

The skill to hold your opinions to yourself until everyone has spoken does two things. One, it gives everybody else the feeling that they have been heard. It gives everyone else the ability to feel that they have contributed. And two, you get the benefit of hearing what everybody else has to think before you render your opinion.

The skill is really to keep your opinions to yourself. If you agree with somebody, don’t nod yes. If you disagree with somebody, don’t nod no. Simply sit there, take it all in. And the only thing you’re allowed to do is ask questions so that you can understand what they mean and why they have the opinion that they have. You must understand from where they are speaking, why they have the opinion they have, not just what they are saying. And at the end, you will get your turn. It sounds easy. It’s not. Practice being the last to speak. That’s what Nelson Mandela did.

The Journey of Finding Happiness and Love

It’s searching for happiness, right? It’s not a scavenger hunt. You don’t be like, look under a rock and be like, “I found happiness. I found the job I love.” You know, it’s like, you don’t find love either. Like you find somebody who cares about you, that you care about. You fall in love. I’m not sure exactly what day it happened. And then you work tirelessly every day to stay in love.

The Continuous Effort of Love and Work

Because if you stop working, the love goes away. And it’s the same at work. You don’t find the job you love. You find a place where you share the values. You fit. They care about you as a human being. You fall in love with your job. And you work tirelessly every day to take care of the people around you. And you remain fulfilled.

So I think that the whole concept of searching for happiness or searching for the job that you love or searching for love is completely misguided. It’s finding an area where you could work hard at it. And then you have to work hard to keep it.

And the worst part is, so do they. And if one of you quits, then the thing goes haywire. And that goes for employees and for management, which is they have to work hard. But at this, and so do we.

So I think our language is not helping us, right? We don’t always have to be right. We don’t always have to be in charge. We don’t have to be the one who succeeds. It’s not about winning or losing. And that’s where I go to the second point. After empathy comes perspective, where it’s not about winning or losing.

The Infinite Game Perspective

In game theory, there are two kinds of games. There are finite games and there are infinite games. And this is how you’re going to change your perspective, right? A finite game is defined as known players, fixed rules, and an agreed upon objective. Baseball, for example. We know the rules. We all agree to the rules. And whoever has more runs at the end of nine innings is the winner. And the game is over. No one ever says, we can just play two more innings. I know we can come back. It doesn’t work that way. The game is over, right? That’s a finite game.

Then you have an infinite game. Infinite games are defined as known and unknown players. The rules are changeable. And the objective is to keep the game in play, to perpetuate the game.

When you pit a finite player versus a finite player, the system is stable. Baseball is stable, right? When you pit an infinite player versus an infinite player, the system is also stable. Like the Cold War, for example. Because there cannot be a winner and a loser. There are no winners and losers in an infinite game, right? It doesn’t exist. And because there are no winners or losers, what ends up happening in the infinite contest is players drop out when they run out of the will or the resources to play. But there’s no winners or losers.

Problems arise when you pit a finite player versus an infinite player. Because a finite player is playing to win, and an infinite player is playing to keep the game going, right? This is what happened to us in Vietnam. We were playing to win, and the Vietnamese were fighting for their lives. We were the ones who got stuck in quagmire. This is the Soviet Union and Afghanistan. They were trying to beat the Mujahideen, and the Mujahideen would fight for as long as is necessary. Quagmire.

Business as an Infinite Game

Now let’s look at business. The game of business has pre-existed or has existed long before every single company that exists on this planet today. And it will outlast every single company that exists on this planet today. There’s no winning the game of business. And the reason is, is because we haven’t agreed to the rules.

I get such a kick out of this. You realize how many companies actually don’t know the game they’re in, right? Listen to the language that the companies use. We’re trying to beat our competition. We’re trying to be number one. Did you know that we were ranked number one? Look at the listing. Based on what criteria? Revenues, profits, market share, square footage, number of employees. Based on what time frame? A quarter, a year, five years, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, 100 years. I haven’t agreed to those standards. How can you declare yourself the winner? How can you declare yourself number one when no one else in the game has agreed to the rules? It’s arbitrary. There is no winning because there’s no end.

In other words, companies are playing finite games. Listen to their language. They’re trying to beat their competition. What does that even mean?

It’s the leaders and the companies that understand the game that they’re in and organize their resources and their decision making around the infinite contest that outlast and frustrate their competition.

All the companies that we refer to as the exceptions, Southwest Airlines, Apple Computers, Harley-Davidson, they’re the exception. No, they’re playing the infinite contest. They frustrate their competition is what happens. That’s what happens because they’re not playing to win. Jim Senegal, the founder of Costco, which is the only real company that gives Walmart a run for its money. He says public companies are looking to succeed for the quarter. He says we’re looking for the next 50 years. You can hear him. He’s playing the infinite contest.

Microsoft vs. Apple: A Case Study in Perspective

I spoke at a leadership summit for Microsoft. I also spoke at a leadership summit for Apple. Now at the Microsoft summit, I would say 70% of the executives, and this is under the Steve Ballmer days, I would say about 70% of the executives spent about 70% of their presentations talking about how to beat Apple. At the Apple summit, 100% of the executives spent 100% of their presentations talking about how to help teachers teach and how to help students learn. One was obsessed with their competition. The other one was obsessed with where they’re going.

So at the end of my presentation at Microsoft, they gave me a gift. They gave me the new Zune, which was the competitor to the iPod Touch when it was a thing, right? And I have to tell you, this piece of technology was spectacular. It was beautiful. The user interface was incredible. The design was amazing. It was intuitive. It was one of the most beautiful, elegant pieces of technology I’d ever seen, right? Now, it didn’t work with iTunes, which is an entirely different problem. I couldn’t use it. But that’s something else.

I’m sitting in the back of a taxi with a senior Apple executive, sort of employee number 12 kind of guy, and I decide to stir the pot. And I turn to him, I say, “You know, I spoke at a Microsoft summit, and they gave me their new Zune, and I have to tell you, it is so much better than your iPod Touch.” And he turned to me and said, “I have no doubt.” Conversation over.

Because the infinite player isn’t playing to be number one every day with every product. They’re playing to outlast the competition. If I had said to Microsoft, “Oh, I’ve got the new iPod Touch, it’s so much better than your new Zune,” they would have said, “Can we see it? What does it do? How? We have to see it.” Because one is obsessed with their competition. The other is obsessed with why they do what they do. The other is obsessed with where they’re going.

And the reason Apple frustrates their competition is because secretly, they’re not even competing against them. They’re competing against themselves. And they understand that sometimes you’re a little bit ahead, and sometimes you’re a little bit behind. And sometimes your product is better, and sometimes you’re not.

But if you wake up every single morning and compete against yourself, how do I make our products better than they were yesterday? How do I take care of our customers better than we did yesterday? How do we advance our cause more efficiently, more productively than we did yesterday? How do we find new solutions to advance our calling, our cause, our purpose, our belief, our why every single day? What you’ll find is over time, you will probably be ahead more often. Those who play the infinite game understand it’s not about the battle. It’s about the war. And they don’t play to win every day. And they frustrate their competition until their competition drops out of the game.

Every single bankruptcy, almost every merger and acquisition is basically a company saying we no longer have the will or the resources to continue to play, and we have no choice to either drop out of the game or merge our resources with another player so that we can stay in the game. That’s what that is. And if you think about the number of bankruptcies and mergers and acquisitions, it’s kind of proof that most companies don’t even know the game they’re in.

The Essence of Great Leadership

You want to be a great leader? Start with empathy. You want to be a great leader? Change your perspective and play the game you’re actually playing.

It’s not about being in charge. It’s about taking care of those in your charge. And we, you know, I know many people who sit at the highest levels of organizations, we all do, who are not leaders. They have authority and we do as they tell us because they have authority over us, but we would not follow them.

And we all know people who are very junior in organizations who have no authority, but they’ve made the choice to look after the person to the left of them, and they’ve made the choice to look after the person to the right of them, and that’s why we call them leaders. Leaders are not necessarily the ones in charge, they’re the ones with the courage to go first. First towards the unknown, first towards the danger, first to be humiliated because it’s the right thing. And the amazing thing is the reason we call them leaders is because when they do that, others follow.

The Source of Courage

And it really is a courage thing. So then it begs the question, where does courage come from? Spending time with folks in the military, what I’ve learned is courage is not some deep internal fortitude, like you don’t dig down deep and find the courage. It actually is an external thing.

So when I got to meet people who’d risked their lives, I asked them, “Why did you do it? You have a family, you have kids, no one would have faulted you if you didn’t do it, no one would have ordered you to do what you did. Why did you do it?” They all give the same answer, “Because they would have done it for me.”

In other words, when we have the belief that someone has our backs, when we have the absolute certainty that someone cares about us and is there by our side and believes in us, we actually are able to do extraordinary things. But without those relationships, it’s very hard to muster courage. Some world-famous trapeze artist is not going to try a brand new death-defying act for the first time without a net. It’s the net, it’s that external thing that gives us the courage to do difficult things.

In other words, it goes back to human relationships again. And so when we foster those relationships, when we foster the love and the community, we actually have the courage to do what you’re saying we need to do. But when politicians and businessmen, when we all feel lonely in positions of rank, I think that actually hurts the ability to lead.

The Lesson of the Styrofoam Cup

There was a former undersecretary of defense who was invited to give a speech at a large conference, about a thousand people. And he was standing on the stage with his cup of coffee and a styrofoam cup, giving his prepared remarks with his PowerPoint behind him. And he took a sip of his coffee and he smiled and he looked down at the coffee and then he went off script. And he said, “You know, last year I spoke at this exact same conference. Last year I was still the undersecretary.”

And he continued, “When I spoke here last year, they flew me here business class. And when I arrived at the airport, there was somebody waiting for me to take me to my hotel. And they took me to my hotel and they had already checked me in and they just took me up to my room. And the next morning I came downstairs and there was someone waiting in the lobby to greet me and they drove me to this here same venue. They took me through the back entrance and took me into the green room and handed me a cup of coffee in a beautiful ceramic cup.”

He says, “I’m no longer the undersecretary. I flew here coach. I took a taxi to my hotel and I checked myself in when I came down the lobby this morning. I took another taxi to this venue. I came in the front door and found my way backstage. And when I asked someone, do you have any coffee? He pointed to the coffee machine in the corner and I poured myself a cup of coffee into this here styrofoam cup.”

He says, “The lesson is the ceramic cup was never meant for me. It was meant for the position I held. I deserve a styrofoam cup.”

Remember this, as you gain fame, as you gain fortune, as you gain position and seniority, people will treat you better. They will hold doors open for you. They will get you a cup of tea and coffee without you even asking. They will call you sir and ma’am and they will give you stuff. None of that stuff is meant for you. That stuff is meant for the position you hold.

It is meant for the level that you have achieved a leader or success or whatever you want to call it, but you will always deserve a styrofoam cup. Remember that. Remember that lesson of humility and gratitude. You can accept all the free stuff. You can accept all the perks. Absolutely. You can enjoy them, but just be grateful for them and know that they’re not for you.

I remember getting off the Acela. I took the Acela from New York to Washington DC and I got off the train like everybody else and I was walking down the platform like everyone else and I walked past General Norty Schwartz, who used to be the chief of staff of the United States Air Force, the head of the Air Force. And here I did. You see a guy in a suit schlepping his own suitcase down the platform just like me. And just a couple months ago, he was flying on private jets and he had an entourage and other people carried his luggage, but he no longer held the position. And so now he got to drag his own suitcase and never did it sort of remind me more that none of us deserve the perks that we get. We all deserve a styrofoam cup.

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