Read the full transcript of former president Donald Trump’s remarks at the 79th Annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner at the New York Hilton Midtown on Thursday, October 17, 2024.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
JIM GAFFIGAN: Thank you, thank you, good evening, rich people. I got to be honest, I feel like I’m at a casting call for Daddy Warbucks and I’m not going to get the job. Welcome, Your Eminence, President Trump, First Lady, random millionaires who are not yet billionaires. Welcome to the 79th Annual Al Smith Memorial Dinner.
As you can see how we’re dressed, the theme again is “let them eat cake.” Now I understand some of you may recognize me as the guy who plays Tim Walz on SNL, but I want you to know that I’m going to be fair and balanced tonight and I’m going to make jokes about both Donald Trump and JD Vance.
Now I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the elephant in the room. You know, you’re all thinking about it, let me just cut to the point and point out who’s not here, and of course I’m talking about the middle class. That filthy group of people. Right Chuck? Do you know what I’m talking about? Can we have a round of applause for Chuck Schumer, right? He does like being near microphones.
Political Landscape
But seriously, this is a special night, people. This is the one night when Republicans and Democrats and Democrats who used to be Republican and Republicans who used to be Democrats and Independents and whatever Michael Bloomberg is now, we can—there he is, he’s up there. I love how the front row doesn’t even look at me, you know what I mean? Like do those seats cost more?
How much does it cost to not have to look at Gaffigan? That’s my Bloomberg impression. I don’t know about you, I think this is exciting, this is very exciting, right? We are 19 days until the election, and likely a civil war.
And you know, I’m nervous, you know what I mean? It’s like, this is my first civil war, guys. I mean, I don’t own a musket. Have we decided who’s wearing blue and who’s wearing gray, because I look better in blue because of my eyes, you know?
Acknowledging the Host
But of course, let’s acknowledge our host for the evening, the Archbishop of New York, Timothy Michael Cardinal Dolan. Timothy Michael Cardinal Dolan, you know, I tell you as the father of five, saying that name feels like I’m trying to get my kids to come to dinner. “Timothy Michael Cardinal dinner!” My wife and I, we do have three boys, and I hope our son Cardinal doesn’t feel too much pressure to become a priest.
Full disclosure, Cardinal Dolan is also a friend of mine, and I would never put him on the spot, but Cardinal Dolan, I’m curious. The Pope did say that this election is a choice between the lesser of two evils. And so, two-part question: one, do you agree, and two, who’s more evil? All right, I’ll come back to you.
Catholic Connections
This, of course, is a Catholic event honoring Governor Al Smith, who in 1928 was the first Catholic to run on a major party. To put that in perspective, in 1928, Chuck Schumer was a first-term senator. Thanks for sitting here, Chuck. Of course, Joe Biden was our second Catholic president, right, after JFK.
President Biden couldn’t be here tonight. The DNC made sure of that. Oh, oh, that’s—I guess I’m the only one that reads history. But this is a Catholic event. I’m Catholic. Any Catholics here? Yeah. They’re yelling because it’s hard to clap when you’re holding a cocktail.
You know, if I could, I’d like to talk about my faith for a moment. Personally, I am Catholic because I truly believe that’s what my wife wants. In a way, she is my higher power and definitely a punishing God. Yeah.
It’s true. I was raised Catholic, but I am Catholic today because of my wife. And she didn’t pressure me. She just said, “This is what you believe now.” And you know, it wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition. There was an implied “convert or die.” My beautiful wife, Jeannie, is here with us tonight. She’s not sitting on the dais. She’s sitting out there with all those losers that are only millionaires. You know, it’s like pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Right, Chuck? Right.
Personal Anecdotes
Today is a special day. Today, my wife Jeannie and I are celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary. Thank you. Thank you.
We’re not. That’s a lie. But being on a dais filled with politicians, journalists, and business people, I felt obligated to tell a lie. You know? I didn’t want them to feel out of place. Besides, I don’t know when our anniversary is. You know, this event has been referred to as the Catholic Met Gala. Twenty-two percent of Americans identify as Catholic.
Political Commentary
Catholics will be a key demographic in every battleground state. I’m sorry. Why is Vice President Harris not here? I mean, consider this. This is a room full of Catholics and Jews in New York City. This is a layup for the Democratic nomination. I mean, in her defense, I mean, she did find time to appear on The View, Howard Stern, Colbert, and the longtime staple of campaigning, the Call Her Daddy podcast. You know what I think it is? I think she doesn’t like me. Chuck, do I have bad breath?
New York City Observations
But I love New York City. I believe that this city is the greatest city on earth. I do believe that. I have lived here for 35 years. I’m raising my children here, which is not for everyone. Sometimes a friend from home will ask, like, “Why are you raising your children in New York City?”
And I would say the same thing, because I don’t want them to end up like you.
Of course, New York City is where Donald Trump was raised, right? And he turned out great. Yet New York is a state that Donald Trump statistically has little chance to win. You know, who says you can’t go home again? Apparently 20 million people.
Fundraising Achievements
You know, we should not, but you know, let’s not let this dais of dignitaries dressed like, you know, background actors on Downton Abbey distract from the significant achievement we’ve made tonight. I mean this in all sincerity, the money that we’ve raised tonight is significant and will have a positive impact, you know. And after we pressure Mike Bloomberg to give more money, we will break $10 million. $10 million!
Everyone look at Michael Bloomberg and tell him he should give more money. $10 million is pretty impressive, you know what I mean? I mean, granted, it could get you a studio apartment in Manhattan, which seems, you know, expensive, especially considering you can get a mayor for two business class flights. Oh, is, oh, did I break a, I didn’t think we had borders anymore.
Political Figures and Jokes
All right, let’s, let’s go positive here. Can we have a round of applause for First Lady Melania Trump, who presently has the number one book in America. And, you know, by the way, Jesus taught us to forgive seven times, not seven times, but seventy times seven. And Melania, you may be the first person to actually reach that.
What’s that? Oh, well, she surpassed it. Congratulations! You know, looking at this impressive dais of attendees up here, I never know how to address you people. Do you prefer, you know, global elite or coastal elite?
You know, I mean, I know we live in sensitive times and I don’t want to mislabel anyone. I’m, I’m, I’m personally excited to be up here and not just because you make me look young and principled. This seating arrangement is weird, right? I mean, it looks like the plutocrats are about to play Family Feud and the survey says whatever you want.
This dais, actually, let’s be honest. This entire room is filled with some of the most powerful people in New York City and Brian Kilmeade. Remember Brian, I told you. Brian and I started doing standup together, so we’re friends, hopefully.
You know, because this room is, I’m glad you guys have a sense of humor about this, because this room is, is undeniably impressive. It really is. The prestige, the wealth, the allegations. I mean, wow. And don’t feel bad if you don’t have any allegations yet. Okay? Which reminds me, Letitia James is here. She had a great year.
She’s just back there watching all of you. She’s watching. By the way, can I point out that this is, this is a very nimble thing that I’m trying to do, right? Because if I am too critical of President — of Vice President Harris, I will, you know, I will lose friendships and, you know, and mess up my career.
And if I am too critical of President Trump, I will lose friendships and improve my career. You know what I mean? We have an amazing, by the way, RFK Jr. is here. Welcome, sir. RFK Jr. He, of course, is going to make America, he’s part of the MAGA, make America healthy again. Right?
I don’t know if he’s seen what Donald Trump eats. But Donald Trump eats like, well, me and the Cardinal. Okay? And anyway. Now the prompter got, I went off book a little bit here. So anyway, I’d like to also welcome Mayor Adams, brought to you by Turkish Airlines. I was told to say that. It’s a sponsorship deal, people.
You know, we have a lot of formers on the dais tonight, all right? Former mayors, former governors, former respected journalists. Is there any other kind, really? Now, I understand some people may have an issue with a journalist appearing on a dais hobnobbing with the rich and powerful. It would appear like a clear conflict of interest, and that’s because it absolutely is.
Look, the days of Walter Cronkite are gone. Most journalists have their own TikTok. The president, President Trump regularly appears on a show called Fox & Friends. That’s not a mistake. He’s their best friend. Former Mayor Bloomberg is here. Mayor, Mayor Bloomberg, you’re going to close that deal on bringing us to 10 million?
Can you just? Not in agreement, sir. Okay. Now, by the way, there are rumors that Mayor Bloomberg is planning to buy, I mean run, run for mayor. I don’t know if that’s true. Quick question, Mayor Bloomberg. When you buy an election, do you put it on a credit card so you can get the points? Because that’s what I would do.
I already did the RFK joke. But anyway, you know, well, the one thing that I was going to say is that I feel like Donald Trump, you know, make America healthy again. I feel like Donald Trump would probably be less loyal to RFK than he would be to KFC. You know what I mean?
It’s like I think the rank of Colonel Sanders. Some of these I wrote during lunch. Woody Johnson is here tonight, owner of the New York Jets, heir to the Johnson & Johnson pharmaceutical fortune. You know, in divisive times, sir, you are a shining example.
If the head of Johnson & Johnson can sign an unvaxed quarterback, maybe there is hope for this country. Not only is Woody Johnson here, Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots, is here. By the way, as we know, they are bitter rivals on the football field. But here tonight, they’re here for the same reason. Billionaires supporting Trump. It’s really beautiful. We are 19 days, 19 days from the election. This presidential election, it’s been different, right?
I mean, it is it’s crazy because there’s no Russian interference, no Facebook. It’s crazy. It’s being left up to American voters and four billionaires. The Cardinal wrote that joke.
There is one group that baffles me, and I think it baffles most everyone in this country. And I’m talking about the undecided voter. Are you kidding me? I mean, are you kidding me? You don’t know who you’re voting for. You don’t see a difference between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump. Like nobody has ever thought, wait, is that a Trump quote or a Harris quote? The media has begun discussing the phenomena of secret Trump voters.
I don’t know if you’ve heard about this. People who publicly say they would never vote for Trump. But then when they go in the voting booth, they do. It’s a small group. They’re called the Biden family. You know, I think we’d all agree that, you know, we live in divided times. And whoever is elected in November, I hope they establish an initiative to heal the divide that exists in this country. And I have — I have a great name for this. It could be called Project 2025. It has a nice truck. Do you like it?
Our first presentation tonight will be by Vice President Kamala Harris. OK, you have to admit the Democrats have done an amazing job rebranding Vice President Harris. Right. The term “joyful warrior” was used so many times at the Democratic Convention. I felt like I was at a yoga retreat.
Let’s start off in a joyful warrior pose and then go straight into downward facing Doug Emhoff. Good. Now laugh uncontrollably. Remember to breathe.
Vice President Harris’s trajectory has been astounding. In just the course of a couple of months, she went from mediocre vice president to everyone’s Mamala. This is, of course, a historic race for many reasons. Right.
If Vice President Harris wins this election, not only would she be the first female president, a black woman would occupy the White House, a former Trump resident. Obviously, you wouldn’t be renting to her. I mean, that would never happen anyway. Maybe if Doug did the signing.
All right. That one didn’t work. Yeah, this has been an interesting presidential campaign. The Democrats have been telling us Trump, Trump’s reelection is a threat to democracy. In fact, they were so concerned of this threat. They staged a coup, ousted their democratically elected incumbent and installed Kamala Harris. In other words, all her dreams have come true. Really?
It really makes you consider the power of prayer. Right, Cardinal? Sometimes prayers take three and a half years and a George Clooney op-ed. I don’t know who’s angry, but I don’t care.
Anyway, can I point out. So, you know, I think I should get right to, you know, that, you know. Now I am turning into Tim Walz. But Vice President Harris did have a scheduling conflict, but was generous enough to send us this video.
Let’s take a look.
Vice President Harris’s Video Message
“KAMALA HARRIS: Your Eminence and distinguished guests. The Al Smith dinner provides a rare opportunity to set aside partisanship.” Hey, what’s going on? Who was that?
MARY CATHERINE: Mary Catherine.
KAMALA HARRIS: Very nice to meet you, Mary Catherine. Right now, I’m trying to record my speech for tonight’s dinner.
MARY CATHERINE: Oh, yeah, I know. I just want to say that I’m Catholic and tonight is one of the biggest dinners next to the Last Supper.
KAMALA HARRIS: It is a very important dinner and it’s an important tradition that I’m so proud to be a part of.
MARY CATHERINE: Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell them like that. That’s gross.
KAMALA HARRIS: So tell me something. I’m giving a speech. Do you have some thoughts about what I might say tonight?
MARY CATHERINE: My feelings about what you say tonight would be best expressed in a monologue from one of my favorite made-for-TV series.
KAMALA HARRIS: Okay, let’s hear it.
“MARY CATHERINE: Don’t you see, man? We need a woman to represent us. A woman brings more heart, more compassion. And think how smart she must be to become a top contender in a field dominated by men. It’s time for a woman, bro. And with this woman, we can fly.”
“KAMALA HARRIS: What series was that from?”
“MARY CATHERINE: Oh, that’s from House of Dragons now streaming on HBO Max.”
“KAMALA HARRIS: Is there anything that you think that maybe I shouldn’t bring up tonight?”
“MARY CATHERINE: Well, don’t lie. Thou shall not bear false witness to thy neighbor.”
“KAMALA HARRIS: Indeed, especially thy neighbor’s election results.
MARY CATHERINE: Just so you know, there will be a fact checker there tonight.”
“KAMALA HARRIS: Oh, that’s great. Who?”
“MARY CATHERINE: Jesus. And maybe don’t say anything negative about Catholics.”
“KAMALA HARRIS: I would never do that, no matter where I was. That would be like criticizing Detroit in Detroit.”
“MARY CATHERINE: Does it bother you that that Trump guy insults you all the time? Because it really bothers my friends and me.”
“KAMALA HARRIS: Oh, Mary Catherine, it’s very important to always remember you should never let anyone tell you who you are. You tell them who you are.
MARY CATHERINE: Haters gonna hate, hate, hate. Shake it off.
KAMALA HARRIS: Shake it off.
MARY CATHERINE: Shake it off.”
“KAMALA HARRIS: Good for you, Mary Catherine.
MARY CATHERINE: And also remember one more thing, don’t worry if you make a mistake because Catholic people are very forgiving. And also, one last thing I want to tell you, don’t forget to say superstar!”
“KAMALA HARRIS: Thank you, Mary Catherine.”
“MARY CATHERINE: Thank you, Mamala.”
“KAMALA HARRIS: Thank you, your eminence and distinguished guests. The Al Smith Dinner provides a rare opportunity to set aside partisanship and come together to do some good by supporting the tremendous charitable work of the Catholic Church. The Church cares for the sick and feeds the hungry, supports families with housing and education, and in times of disaster, provides not only essential supplies, but also, and so importantly, a sense of hope.
The Gospel of Luke tells us that faith has the power to shine a light on those living in darkness and to guide our feet in the path of peace. In the spirit of tonight’s dinner, let us recommit to reaching across divides to seek understanding and common ground. And in honor of the great Al Smith, let us fight to build a better future with faith in God, our country, and in each other. Thank you, may God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.”
Jim Gaffigan’s Closing Remarks
JIM GAFFIGAN: Thank you. I don’t even know what that noise you’re making is. I don’t know. As I watched that, I couldn’t help but think of now I know how my kids felt when I FaceTimed into a piano recital they were at.
That only makes sense if you travel a lot. By the way, now it’s time for the main event. Okay? Let’s get ready to rumble.
This is also the only part of the show that you will see on Fox News. Shortly, I will introduce President Trump, who will likely talk about how Vice President Harris’ absence proves that she hates Catholics, Americans, and babies. Then CNN and MSNBC will say President Trump went too far, and Elon Musk and Fox News will say he was pitch perfect. You know, during the first and only debate, President Trump talked about migrants taking cats and eating them.
You know, if you’re keeping track at home, this is the second time grabbing a kitty has been part of a campaign issue. You know, I was going to leave that out. But there’s, you know, here’s the thing that’s so amazing about Donald Trump. It is impossible to not have a strong opinion about President Trump. You either think he is endearingly outspoken and brash, or you think he’s a sociopath, and you’d like to be his running mate.
Donald Trump and I have a lot in common. We both have five children. We both have a lush mane of golden hair. And we both try to travel as much as possible to get away from our families. President Trump, before I invite you up here to the podium, I want you to know if you are reelected, I always liked you. And I’m not saying that because I don’t want to be sent to a labor camp. Well, I guess that’s the reason, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to bring up a man who loves New York City. He is the Republican nominee and the 45th President of the United States, President Donald J. Trump.
President Trump’s Speech
DONALD TRUMP: Thank you very much. It’s an honor. They told me, under no circumstances are you allowed to use a teleprompter. And I got up here, and I see there’s this beautiful teleprompter. So here I am.
But it is a tremendous thing. It’s a tremendous dinner. I’ve come here with my father. So it was three times, but it was also many times before that a long time ago. And it’s a very special dinner. And you’ve done a fantastic job, Cardinal. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
So I’d like to thank your eminence very much and members of the clergy, so many people I know. Speaker of the House Johnson, what a job you’re doing. He has done a great job. Senator Schumer, good. I supported him. I was, oh, I don’t know. I don’t know. He used to say that’s true, and now I’m not sure he will.
But I gave him his first check from an office in Beach Haven, and I was very proud of it. I don’t know about lately. Now I was. I was. It was his first check. He was running, and I said, he’s a good man. Senator Gillibrand, thank you very much. Thank you very much for working hard.
Governor Hochul, wherever you may be up. This is a big day, right? Where is the governor? Good job. It’s not an easy one, is it? But you’re doing all right. We have to get a little money from the federal government, I have to tell you. It’s about time.
It’s about time. Mayor Adams, good luck with everything. They went after you. They went after you, Mayor. Oh, boy, I do that. Nine and a half months ago, I said, and he just said something about it, about the administration. He’s going to be indicted any moment. And guess what happened? But you’re going to win. I think you’re going to win. I know you’re going to win. So good luck.
Good luck. I don’t like what they do. I don’t like what they do. And also distinguished guests. I’ve got so many friends up here. It’s great. Not a great friend. Some of my best friends. And you are right. They are distinguished, and they are wealthy, for the most part. A couple are having a hard time, but they’re going to get over it.
I also want to thank my very beautiful wife. And thank you for mentioning, but can you believe this? She did a book, and it’s a really good book, and she worked hard on it. And it just became number one on the New York Times list. So I think that’s okay.
That’s not an easy thing to do, especially when your name is Trump and you’re on the New York Times list. I think that thing must be selling like hotcakes. But thank you for mentioning. I appreciate it. Good job you did. It’s a true pleasure to be with you this evening. Amazing pleasure. And these days, it’s really a pleasure anywhere in New York without a subpoena for my appearance.
Anytime I don’t get a subpoena, I’m very happy. They’ve gone after me. Mr. Mayor, you’re peanuts compared to what they’ve done to me. And you’re going to be okay. But I have to be careful, however, to understand that this will be the first time in the history of this event where jokes will be fact-checked. And they will be. And they will be.
It’s been a long tradition for both Democrat and Republican candidates for President of the United States to attend this dinner. Always it’s a rule. You’ve got to go to the dinner. You’ve got to do it. Otherwise, bad things are going to happen to you from up there. You can’t do what I just saw on that screen. But my opponent feels like she does not have to be here, which is deeply disrespectful to the event and, in particular, to our great Catholic community. Very disrespectful.
The last Democrat not to attend this important event was Walter Mondale, and it did not go very well for him. He lost 49 states and he won one, Minnesota. So I said, there’s no way I’m missing it. Actually, it was not easy for me to get here tonight. I wasn’t going to miss this thing. No matter, I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to miss it. But that’s true. Walter Mondale, 49 and 1. He was expected to do well, and it didn’t work out.
It shows you there is a God. I mean, for those people that are questioning it. I understand the real reason that she’s not here is she’s hunting with her running mate, spending a lot of time hunting. In any event, it’s a weird, weird, weird, weird. You know the word weird. They call me weird. They call JD weird. We’re very solid people. This guy is calling us weird, but this was weird that the Democrat candidate is not here and with us tonight. I want to also congratulate somebody who’s going to make us all healthy, RFK Jr. We love you. I don’t see him. He’s all over the place. You’re all over. Hello, you both. Nice to see you both. You’re doing a good job. He’s a great guy, too. He really is. He’s going to make us a healthier place. We’re going to let him go wild for a little while.
Then I’m going to have to maybe rein him back. Because he’s got some pretty wild ideas, but most of them are really good, I think. He’s a good man. And he believes the environment, the healthy people. He wants healthy people. He wants healthy food. And he’s going to do it. He’s going to have a big chance to do it because we do need that.
I would not have missed the Al Smith dinner for anything in the world. I still remember coming here as a very young guy with my father, Fred. He was a great guy, my father. He was a tough cookie, but he had a very big heart. Anytime we’d walk down the street, and you don’t see it too much anymore, there’d be people standing with tin cans. Tin cans. And he would always take out $100 and put it in that can. And I always thought it was beautiful.
And, frankly, I even think more so now it was beautiful because nowadays you don’t see it so much. But I miss him. And we used to come here very religiously. And a great New York tradition has been born 79 years ago. It was born 79 years ago. And there are some people that were here for almost that length. I know many of them, and it’s not a pretty picture. It’s not a pretty picture.
The two candidates for president are supposed to exchange good-natured barbs. And, you know, we get along very well. I didn’t like Biden very much, and now I like him quite a bit. You know, it’s — And now I say that she’s much worse than him. He was a much better candidate than her, actually. And when we hopefully win, dispose of her. I like her a lot, but right now I can’t stand her. I can’t stand her.
I’ve never liked people that I was competing against. When you do, a lot of bad things happen. And we are doing well, by the way. The votes are starting to come in. You got to get out and vote. And Catholics, you got to vote for me. Just remember. You better remember I’m here. And she’s not. I could have done that, too. But you do something that’s incredible. The Catholic Church, you’re helping the poor, educating children, and supporting the vulnerable.
But if you really wanted Vice President Harris to accept your invitation, I guess you should have told her the funds were going to bail out the looters and rioters in Minneapolis, and she would have been here. Guaranteed, she would have been here. Guaranteed. She would have been okay.
She would have been okay with that. But I know this isn’t my normal crowd tonight, because it just isn’t. It’s not my normal crowd. Believe me, my normal crowd is younger. Has a lot more energy. But you have certain advantages, too. Like cash. Lots of cash.
But many of you are Manhattan liberals from the media and the Democrat Party. I always say the Democrat. You know, Chuck doesn’t like that. He likes Democratic. And it sounds much more beautiful, the Democratic Party. I always say the Democrat Party, because it sounds worse. It is true. He likes Democratic.
Why don’t they just change the name? You know, it is Democrat. But I must say I was shocked when I heard that Kamala was skipping the Al Smith dinner. I really hoped that she would come, because we can’t get enough of hearing her beautiful laugh. She laughs like crazy. We would recognize it any place in this room. And all polls are indicating I’m leading big with the Catholic vote, as I should be. As I should be.
But I don’t think Kamala has given up yet. She hasn’t, instead of attending tonight. She’s in Michigan receiving communion from Gretchen Whitmer. That’s not a pretty sight. But Catholics, please don’t be too insulted by Kamala’s absence. If the Democrats… Thank you very much. I appreciate that.
If Democrats really wanted to have someone not be with us this evening, they would have just sent Joe Biden. You know, he’s having second thoughts. You know that, right? He wants to come back. If she does any worse than the polls, they’re going to bring him back again, I think. Chuck, he’s going to do it. He’s the one that got him out. That’s the guy.
Much more so than Crazy Nancy, I will tell you. Because I know him. He did it. Joe has almost disappeared from view. He’s seen less as if he had a show on CNN. They ain’t nothing. They’ve got nothing. Fake news, right? Fake. That term wasn’t good. You know, they say the term is no longer in vogue because it’s much worse than fake. I don’t want to tell you what the real name is.
I won’t do it because all those cameras would shut off immediately. They don’t like that. But apparently Joe didn’t think it was fair for me to have the podium to myself with Kamala skipping the event, so he called, looked at me and said, “Don’t.” Does anybody understand that yet?
I was, I thought it was actually very good until just now. It was announced this morning that at a funeral yesterday in a rare moment of clarity, Joe told Barack Hussein Obama that quote, “Only a few people got that.” Or as Rush Limbaugh used to say, “Barack Hussein Obama.” Remember Barack? He was a piece of work. We miss him. But as he told Barack Hussein Obama, quote, “She’s not as strong as me. She’s not as strong.”
Do you understand that? And Obama agreed saying, “That’s true.” Other than that, I think the Democrats are getting along quite well. The fact is, we need new leadership in this country. Right now we have someone in the White House who can barely talk, barely put together two coherent sentences, who seems to have mental faculties of a child.
It’s sad. There’s a person that has nothing going, no intelligence whatsoever, but enough about Kamala Harris. Let’s get on to something. I know Kamala’s word because she spends a lot of time complaining I won’t agree to another debate. But the truth is, I’ve debated twice this year, once against Joe Biden and once against David Muir of ABC.
That was amazing, 11 times. None for the other side. Do you think that’s fair news? I don’t think so. That’s fake news. I don’t know what’s going to happen three weeks from now. It’s going to be very interesting. It just started. Isn’t it sort of exciting? Right? Isn’t it just exciting what’s going on? It’s a process.
It’s a rough process. Not so pretty, and yet sometimes very beautiful. But the press is reporting the Democrats are starting to panic. They’re panicking. They are panicking. Because the votes that are coming are very strong in a certain way. I won’t tell you what way that is, but Chuck Schumer is here looking very glum. Doesn’t he look glum?
Doesn’t he look glum? But look on the bright side, Chuck, considering how woke your party has become. If Kamala loses, you still have a chance to become the first woman president. And I actually said, do you mind if I do that? He said, “No, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.” He’s a pro. He’s a pro. No.
He’s a good man, actually. I hate to say it. Don’t ever use it against me, please. I’ll say this dinner was really setting me back when I say it now. But I’ve known him a long time. There’s a group called White Dudes for Harris. Have you seen this? Anybody know it? Are some of you here? White Dudes for Harris? Doesn’t sound like it. But I’m not worried about them at all because their wives and their wives’ lovers are all voting for me.
Every one of those people is voting for me. And as you may have seen, Kamala did an interview on Fox News yesterday. It went so poorly for her that the Democrats have been forced to install another 100 drop boxes throughout the city. And the upside, really, is Kamala now sees the benefit of deportation. She wants to deport people. She’s vicious. She wants to deport people, and she wants to start by deporting Bret Baier, Fox. It’s an interesting interview last night.
A major issue in this race is childcare, and Kamala has put forward a concept of a plan. A lot of people don’t like it. The only piece of advice I would have for her in the event that she wins would be not to let her husband Doug anywhere near the nannies. Just keep them away. That’s a nasty one. That’s nasty. I told these idiots that gave me this stuff, that’s too tough. Oh, I didn’t.
You know, they told me the last time I did this, I was running against Crooked Hillary. I mean Hillary. No, I was running against Crooked Hillary, and I did it, and I thought it was a roast. See, I was told it’s a roast, and I had the meanest guy you’ve ever seen write stuff up, and, man, was the room angry.
Even the Cardinal remembers. I went overboard, don’t you agree, Cardinal? It was, like, terrible, and I knew I was in trouble around midway through, because, you know, people had not… even my own son was angry at me. They were saying, it’s too much, but I did it anyway. I didn’t give a damn. Campaigning can take a toll on a family and family life, although I hear that Kamala and her husband carve out some really beautiful alone time at the end of the day for an intimate dinner. Just Doug, her, and the teleprompter that she uses quite well.
And, by the way, she wouldn’t have liked this tonight if she was told about no teleprompter. I can’t believe I saw a teleprompter. They said they’ve never had a teleprompter in the history of this dinner. I told that to the Cardinal, right? And then a teleprompter pops up for… He must be a very important comedian to get that… They give you one, but not me. How about that one?
And you did a good job. Tradition holds that I’m supposed to tell a few self-deprecating jokes this evening. So here it goes. Nope. I’ve got nothing. I’ve got nothing. There’s nothing to say. I guess I just don’t see the point of taking shots at myself when other people have been shooting at me for a hell of a long time.
You know, they say about presidents, they say that Andrew Jackson was the president that was the most meanly treated. His wife died. She died of heartache. She was heartbroken at the way they treated him.
And they say that second was Abraham Lincoln, but he was in charge of the Civil War. But those were the two. Andrew Jackson. Up until me. Now they say it’s not even close. There’s never been a president that’s been treated so badly as me. And our people weren’t happy about it. But I was treated a little bit rough.
But I don’t mind it somehow. And I think it’s just part of the game. I’d like to thank our MC this evening, Jim Gaffigan. Most recently, Jim has been playing Tim Walz on Saturday Night Live. And that’ll be a very short gig, I hope, Jim. But it was fun while it lasted, wasn’t it? Let’s see how that lasts. That’d be quick.
We don’t want him. I’m not going to say anymore. But unfortunately, Governor Walz isn’t here himself. But don’t worry. He’ll say that he was. He’s going to say he was. I used to think the Democrats were crazy for saying that men have periods. But then I met Tim Walz.
This stupid show, The View, is so bad now that the other day I was watching it and thinking to myself, you know what? They really need to bring Rosie O’Donnell back. That show is bad. Those people are bad. I know every one of them, and they are bad news, I want to tell you. And it doesn’t do very well either. I always like to say, you know, ratings are very important. When they don’t do well, it doesn’t do very well.
As I look around today, as I see all of the usual suspects, for instance, Mayor Adams, I’d like to poke some fun at Eric, but I’m going to be nice. I just want to be nice because I know what it’s like to be persecuted by the DOJ for speaking out against open borders. We were persecuted, Eric. I was persecuted and so are you, Eric.
The mayor’s dietary restrictions are well known, but I’ve got to say I’ve never met a person who’s a vegan who liked turkey so much. There’s something about him with turkey. I just found that out today. You know, I haven’t been in New York that much.
Don’t let it affect you. You’re going to win, Eric. We have another former New York City mayor with us. Frankly, easily the worst in our history. And it’s not Michael, that I can tell you. I’m surprised that Bill de Blasio was actually able to make it tonight, to be honest. He was a terrible mayor. I don’t give a shit if this is comedy or not. He was a terrible mayor. He did a horrible job. That’s not comedy, by the way. That’s fact.
But unlike the rest of New York, at least Bill doesn’t have to worry about the criminals. They owe him big. He let them get away with a lot of stuff. Well, I’d better wrap up because Mayor Adams told me earlier that I needed to make this one very quick, especially the city has reserved this room for a large group of illegal aliens coming in from Texas.
That’s right. They’ve reserved many rooms. Many rooms. A lot of rooms. Too many rooms. But in all seriousness, it’s an honor to be here to support the city and the community. It’s a great community that I love. I’ve been here a long time, and I love it.
And it’s going to make a big comeback, and I’m going to help it make a comeback. I’m going to win, and I’m going to make a comeback. We’re going to turn this thing around. And I want to pay tribute to a really incredible man, a man who was a tremendous politician. And actually, the fact that he was Catholic, it probably did him in, right? Nobody knows for sure, but he was a great guy, Al Smith. Great guy. Everyone says it.
Happy warrior. I’ve said before that I’ll say it again. I’ll say it again as many times as I have to, directly to the mayor and the governor. If I have the honor to be elected next month, we’re going to see what happens. It’s happening so fast. But if I have the honor, I look forward to working together to make this city greater than ever before. We’re going to do that. We’re going to be focused on it.
I’ll work with the governor. I’ll work with the mayor. Democrats, I will work with them. I’ll work with whoever I have to. And we will even work very hard to bring back the salt tax deduction. We’re going to bring it back. We’re going to bring it back. We’re going to get that thing going, Chuck, okay?
I actually thought about not doing jokes tonight. I was going to come out here and say, listen, our country is doing very badly. This is not about jokes. And then some person said, you have to do jokes. I said, I don’t want to. There’s nothing funny about what’s happening to our country. And I actually meant that. I was going to do that, but they convinced me to say some of the things I said tonight.
I don’t know if they were funny or not, but you think this is easy standing up here and doing this in front of half a room that hates my guts and the other half loves me? Half of us love me. Well, maybe it’s, I think, 75 percent love me. But I actually, though, I did think that.
Serious Matters
And our country is doing very badly with respect to its open borders and inflation, crushing things happening in the Middle East and Ukraine. It’s so sad to see what’s happening in Ukraine. Wow. I had a lot of people from very religious people come up to me tonight from Ukraine and they’re asking me for help.
So, so sad to see so many people have been killed in Ukraine. And we’re going to get it. We’re going to get it settled up if we win. As I’m president-elect, I’m going to get that done. I’m going to do it before we ever get that. We have to get it stopped. Too much killing. It’s killing and all of those cities are coming, crashing down.
Those beautiful golden domes are crashing down on their sides. So sad to see. The whole thing is so sad. So we’re going to be for all those people. There’s so many people came up to the dais and religious people from Ukraine. And I’m going to say to them, don’t worry, we’re going to get it stopped. It’s too bad it ever started. It should have never started.
It wouldn’t have started. But we’re going to have our country respected again. We’re going to make sure that it’s respected and we’re going to go out and do very good things for ourselves as a country and for the world. These are challenging times for our beautiful USA, but I’m committed to working with every partner here in New York and all across the nation to build an America that once again is strong and safe and proud and prosperous and free.
We’re going to make sure together we can create a future defined by great ambitions and grand achievements that once again inspires the dreams of our children, brings back the American Dream. You don’t hear about the American Dream anymore. We’re going to make it possible for them to have the American Dream.
This is a very religious evening to me. It really is. It represents so much. My sister was somebody that loved the church and gave to the church. A cardinal knew that. Had a certain priest that she thought was incredible, right? A certain very fine man that she thought was incredible. Having recently myself survived two assassination attempts, I have a chart that went down to the right. Fortunately, I looked at it.
It’s my all-time favorite piece of paper. But it went down and I looked to the right and I said, you know, was that luck? What was that? Luck or was that God that did that? And I think it was God that did that. I do. I do. But I have a very fresh… Cardinal, I have a very fresh appreciation for how blessed we are by God’s providence and His divine mercy. I mean, that was something. I was not supposed to be here tonight. That I can tell you.
With God’s help, I know there is nothing that cannot be achieved. We can achieve so much good with this country and get together and unify. I want to thank the Al Smith Foundation for its noble work and I want to express my tremendous gratitude to the Catholic community. It’s a great community.
It’s a community I’ve gotten along with all my life. I’ll tell you, when I was president, I was in the Oval Office and I got a call from the cardinal. And he said, we need help. It was during the China virus. I want to be accurate when I describe it. And he said, we need help. Our schools are in devastating shape. They needed much more than a billion.
I won’t even tell you the number, but much more than a billion dollars. But I’ve known the community and I’ve known the schools. I know so many people that were educated in the Catholic school system and they are great and they just speak with it like with love, much more so than almost any system that I’ve seen. And he said, sir, we have a big problem. We need a number of billions of dollars or we’re going to have to close down the New York school system, the whole system in New York.
And I said, give me 15 minutes. I think I can find it. And we gave him billions of dollars. And you know what? He stayed open and they thrived. And to this day, I hear you did just about the best job there is in education. So and that was always an honor.
That was always. And every time he sees me, he says, thank you very much. I said, I know what you’re talking about. But we work together. We were a good partnership, right? We got that money in about 15 minutes, billions. And it was put to very good use. But I just want to thank everybody.
This is a special evening. It’s a very serious evening. I think we have some serious problems in the world, but they’re going to get solved and we’re going to make America great again. And thank you very much.
And God bless you all. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
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