Transcript of How To Be Confident (Even If You’re Not): Montana von Fliss

Anyone can do this.

Five Techniques to Appear Confident

So, what are those confident-looking choices?

#1: Turn Up the Energy and Speak Up

When you speak up, even just a little bit, it reads as confident, and you don’t have to shout. Think about it this way. On a scale of 1 to 10, aim for a 5. Yes, it goes to 11, but you can just aim for a 5.

I’m here at a 5 right now. I can bring it back down to a 3 down here. Nervous captain was down here, and then we bring it back up to a 5, and it sounds prepared, positive, and confident. So, turn up the energy and speak up.

#2: Pause Like a Boss

Nervous speakers tend to talk really fast, right? And then when they do have a pause, they fill it in with verbal filler, likes and ums. However, if you try to speak more slowly, it just sounds like this, right? And that’s not better.

So, instead, make strategic pauses. Pause in transition. Pause for emphasis. Pause like a boss.

#3: Superhero Stance

Imagine you are a superhero. You can do it from your chair. How would a superhero sit? Yes. Let that change your posture. I see you. Yes. Let that bring a smile to your face and have some better eye contact. All of that reads as confident, and pretending to be a superhero is just a super quick way to have confident-looking body language.

Now, this one also goes to 11, but you can just aim for a 5, and that will be great. Tuck in that cape and go save the day. And you can stand in superhero backstage to boost your confidence, but I’m saying bring that superhero stance on stage so that your audience sees you as confident.

And if you need an easy shortcut, just make the shape. Just make the shape of a confident person. The audience cannot read your mind. They don’t know how you’re feeling, so just make the shape and they will go with it.

Like, if you came over to my house for dinner and I opened up the door and I was like, “Hi, come on in. We’re having chicken.” You’d be like, “Oh, is this a bad time?” You know, you’ve got to make the shape of a good host. Make the smile shape, right? Instead of crossed arm shape, open up. “Hi, welcome. Come on in.”

If you’re not sure if you’re making confident looking choices, you can just video yourself and watch it back. I feel like I just saw you say, “not doing that one.” I know. Most people don’t like to watch themselves. I get it. But wouldn’t you rather make that adjustment before you’re in front of your audience? Yes.

Videoing yourself is a great way to check in to see that you’re doing the techniques, but also to see that it’s still authentically you, your version of confident captain.

#4: Practice with Purpose

Now, how can you do all of these things on performance day? Make yourself a rehearsal schedule. Put it in your calendar. You can give yourself a little treat when you do a run through and make it practice with purpose by giving yourself a specific goal or layering in one new confident captain technique each day.

If it’s a week before your event, aim to run it all the way through at least once a day. And if you don’t have time for a full run through, just take the opening, closing, run that three times in a row from anywhere. When you’re in the shower, when you’re walking your dog, when you’re making a meal for your kids. I know my kids are very used to me walking around the house talking to myself. Whatever you need to do to get in those repetitions.

And don’t be afraid of over practice. Don’t let that stop you. You can just let go of your verbatim script if it’s starting to sound robotic. And you can still use bullet point speaker notes to remind yourself of what you would like to say and to invite you to say it a little bit differently each time to keep it fresh.

And let me be clear, by practice, I mean standing up, saying it out loud, imagining your audience and inviting them in, clicking through your slides, doing it as much like it will be on the day, whether it’s virtual or in person.

And I know it might feel a little funny saying it out loud to yourself. But think about when you learn a new sport, or when you practice a musical instrument. If you had a piano concert on Friday, and you got new music on Monday, would you only read your music every day and then play it for the very first time at the concert on Friday? No way. And yet I see speakers do this all the time.

Give yourself a chance. Practice helps everything. And it can really boost your confidence to practice with purpose by layering in one new technique each day.

#5: The Silent Sentence

Okay, those first four techniques, they’re all about how to appear confident, regardless of how you’re feeling. I’ve got one more technique for you. And it’s a big one. But this is the real gem. It’s the one that makes all the others shine. This is number five, the silent sentence.

This is about what you choose to tell yourself. I’ve been a professional actor since I was a kid. And I have always loved going on stage as an actor, as a speaker, as an emcee. And at the same time, I have often been not just nervous, sometimes downright terrified to step on a stage. I’m shaking, I’m sweating. And I’m like, what was I thinking? Why do I do this to myself? And all these unhelpful voices flood in. And I just tried to make it stop, push it away. And of course that never worked.

And I kept going on stage because I love it. And years later, when I became a speaker coach, I got asked to do all these professional presentations. And they went well. But I still had no way to deal with that massive anxiety. And I was like, what can I do?

And I thought, well, what am I telling myself? “What if you mess up? You better be perfect.” I realized I was giving myself an impossible instruction to be perfect. And that really was not working. But what would work? What would be a better message?

And to figure that out, I had to go back to square one, like, what do I want? Why did I say yes to this speaking gig? What is my deeper purpose here? And I realized at the heart of it, I just want to help my audience to the best of my ability. And when I said that, I noticed everything change.

And that’s where I found my first silent sentence. I want to help my audience to the best of my ability. When I said it even silently to myself, it acted like this override switch. Like I might still be shaking and sweating, but now I have this higher goal, this deeper purpose, and everything aligned to that. And that became my highest priority.

I want to help you. And now that thought replaced those unhelpful thoughts and everything went better in my performance. And I was like, yes, it worked. And then I was like, wait, how do I do this every time? Especially when the stakes are high.

It dawned on me, if I’m writing and crafting the words I say out loud, why not write and craft the words I say silently to myself? Put it in the script. It’s the silent part of the script.

So now, every time I rehearse, every time I walk onto a stage, every time I join a virtual meeting, I say the following new and evolved silent sentence. I invite you to be here with me while I am here with you so that I can make this easier for you.

Now, that invitation to myself to be present, that’s my definition of stage presence, being present. And that invitation to the audience to be my partner, that reminds me, these are friends, not foes. And I am choosing to be here. And now I’m not just making the shape of a good host. I really am a good host because I am genuinely welcoming you to my world.

Now, how do you go about finding your silent sentence? What do you want? What’s your deeper purpose? You could be like me, and you might just want to help people. Or it could be something more specific. For example, you might want at least one person in your audience to walk out and take a CPR class. Or maybe you’re just super excited to have this experience or share with them some cool solution you have for their problem. You get to fill in the blank and decide what you want to accomplish.

Embracing Nervousness and Making New Pathways

And this is not about graduating to some higher level of being where you never again feel nervous. I know I haven’t. I was feeling it pretty big about 15 minutes ago. I was getting ready to walk on this stage, and I am, and probably always will be, a recovering perfectionist. That is a well-worn pathway in my brain. It is there, it exists, it cannot be erased. But now I have this other pathway. And when big moments like this come up, I get to choose.

And that’s what I was doing back there in the wings. I was choosing to gently insist on repeating my silent sentence to set myself up for success. What we tell ourselves really matters. We follow our own instructions all day long. Our whole selves are always listening.

So when you notice something isn’t going well, or you’re fearing something might not go well in the future, use this checklist. What am I telling myself? What’s being broadcast? Then replace that with a better sentence to help set you up for where you’d like to go.

And most importantly, put it in the script and practice it. Practice it just as much as the words you say out loud. So if you’re running your intro in the shower three times in a row, it would go silent bit, out loud bit, silent, out loud, silent, out loud, until it is inextricably linked. And it is just a part of your process. And it is repeatable and reliable. And then it’s just there for you when you need it.

Final Thoughts: Becoming the Confident Captain

Now, I want to leave you with this final thought. When you’re at home and you’re practicing some of these techniques, like turn up the energy and speak up, pause like a boss, superhero stance, practice with purpose, and your silent sentence. Please know that it might feel uncomfortable at first because it’s new and that is normal.

But think back to when I was demonstrating the nervous captain at the top. How did that make you feel? And then when the confident captain came out, oh, what a release. Now I can just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Remember that feeling of safety you had as an audience member and bring that into your next rehearsal. You can give that gift to your audience. Reach outside your comfort zone to make your audience feel safe by making the choices of a confident captain.

And who knows? You might even have fun. Have a great trip.

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