Here is the transcript and summary of Páll Ólafsson’s talk titled “Be There For Your Child, Listen And Never Shout” at TEDxReykjavik conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Páll Ólafsson – Social Worker
I sat in my office, almost hypnotized by this young girl I had met so many times before. She looked me straight in the eyes and said with clear and firm voice, “If I am supposed to believe in me, then you have to believe in me.” She had cut her arms with razor blades again.
I am a social worker in child protection, and in my work, I have met children who do not want to live. Children who do not want to live like this. Children who abuse drugs. Children who do not want to go to school. When I ask these children, why are you in this situation? They answer, “Nobody loves me. Nobody listens to me. Nobody gives me a chance, and nobody sees me who I really am.”
So the question I want to explore with you today is, what kind of people do we have to be so children don’t experience these feelings, so they don’t get lost in their lives? Can we do something so children don’t lose faith in us adults, so they don’t think that nobody cares? I think we can.
This talk is based on the wisdom I have learned from my wonderful wife, all of my five children, my co-workers, Diane and Judy, the creators of restitution theory, and last but not least, all of those interesting children I have met as a social worker.
Do you know what are the most important skills young people have to master when they leave the school system today? They are skills of communication, problem-solving, teamwork, talking, and listening. And remember, you should listen twice as much as you talk; that’s why you have two ears but only one mouth.
But these skills, are we teaching our children those skills, and if not, how can we do it? We have to use good methods guiding our children. Don’t ever use physical force, don’t scream, don’t shout, don’t preach over their heads, don’t point your fingers at them, “What have you done? Why can’t you be more like your brothers? You are useless. I knew this would happen.”
What will happen is that if you get too close to the child, they will try to push you away. They will give you the finger—not this finger—they will shout, “Go, leave, I don’t want to talk to you,” and they learn nothing.
Don’t blame children; you say something like, “What have you done? Don’t you know how much this is hurting me? Why can’t you be more like your sister? I can’t sleep at night.” Children who are hurt through blaming, they say it’s like having a stone landing in their stomach and they have trouble getting it out again. They turn down their heads and say, “Sorry, forgive me, it wasn’t my fault,” always trying to get the stone out and never learning anything.
Children don’t learn from saying sorry; they learn from being. They learn if you give them another chance and if you believe in them. So we should talk to children, listen to children, and if they make a mistake, we ask them, we give them space to fix it, not by saying sorry, but by doing something they can be proud of.
Let me explain, if I make a mistake and I have to talk to my daughter about something very important right now, right this minute, and I make a mistake, scream at her, or use an angry tone, then I have to relax and wait for a few hours, or even better, until the next day. Then both of us can use our brains to communicate, that is if I remember what this very important issue was, which I usually don’t.
Let me explain, all this has to do with our brain, our big brain, there we have all our experience, our capacity to fix problems, talking, and listening. If we are angry, upset, or scared, we can’t use our brain, it switches to survival mode, and we can’t use it to fix problems. This is a behavior from old times, very old times, even before the 60s when I was born.
You were going out on a prairie when suddenly a saber-toothed tiger jumps at you and wants to eat you. You can’t talk to it; I mean, this is a tiger and you are something—what happens? Your brain takes over the situation, it acts in split seconds, stops blood from flowing through your brain and delivers it to your arms so you throw your spear at the tiger, or through your legs so you run away from this beast.
It is the same reason today; if our children are upset, scared, or angry, their brain is in survival mode, and they can’t talk or listen. They just want to fight or flight.
Do you think words are important? Yes, they are, I mean I use them every day, I’m using them now, but when people are taking in what you are saying, just in your message, only 10% are just from the words you use. So don’t worry so much about what you say to other people. The rest is 35% tonality, how you use your tone, and 55% is your body language.
Let me show you. “Hello, daddy is home, so good to see you.” “Hello, daddy is home, so good to see you.” “I love you very much; we can fix this problem.” “I love you very much; we can fix this problem.” And you have to think about your arms and your face.
See, this means that you want to fix the problem. This means that you don’t. Children, they are so great at perceiving this, and if you have a closed posture, they close their minds.
Do you think children do what we tell them to do? Well, maybe your kids, but most kids, they do what we do, not what we say.
That’s why no teens are wearing helmets when they are cycling. So show children how to fix problems, how to talk to each other, how to listen to others, show them your skills and how to enjoy life.
There are two things that you can do in your life, easy things. Always have lunches or dinners together. Maybe not like this, daddy, the master chef is cooking, everything is ready, he picks up his phone, yes, he isn’t so old, he has a mobile, and he creates a fabulous Facebook status on the adult speed, “Dinner is ready, my wonderful children,” smiley face.
But these wonderful children just click unlike, or they send you a message, most likely a Snapchat saying, “Can you please deliver it to room number two? No, no room service in this house, thank you.” And if your child doesn’t want to eat, remember, the most important is him being a part of the family, him being a part of the table, on the table, not on the table. Remember, don’t use this quality time to force him to eat the green stuff. Don’t worry, children can survive on a breakfast cereal for a few years.
Always try to make lunches and dinners together. Children love making food, homemade pizza, pasta, cookies full of healthy ingredients like sugar, sweet syrup. Maybe your teenager will come and tell you how unhealthy this is, or wants to show his little brother how to do this exactly right. “No, no, it is exactly two spoons, let me show you, I can do it.” Let him do it; the most important is him being a part of this family cooking thing.
Always enjoy mornings, do something special, wake up 15 minutes earlier and put your holiday plates and your Christmas glasses on the table, and light the candles. I promise you, when your five-year-old comes and sees this, he shines up and says, “Whose birthday is it?” And when your teenager comes down drooling, he looks at you with empty eyes and says, “Have you completely lost your mind? Or did anyone die?” And why do this? Their brain has woken, and that’s a good start to the day.
Always try to talk with your children in a positive way. Do not only talk about the horrid co-worker at your work who is driving you crazy. Make the grown-up world more exciting, or else they wonder, “Why grow up?” And they make me think that you should grow down instead.
I mean, you come home always complaining that you want to be someone else or do something else, but keep on studying so you can have a job when you’re older. Why? Okay.
Always try to listen to your children. If your child approaches you and wants to talk to you, sit down and give her time. Shut down all electric gizmos and listen. Even teens need to talk about things in their life. Sometimes we think that children know everything. They just Google it. But they can’t Google everything. They can’t Google feelings, the first heartbreak. When you lost your best friend. When you have to change schools. You don’t have to have a solution. You just have to listen.
Always try to see your children. Don’t go and circle around a child in a grocery store who stands alone and cries. Whose kid is this? I mean, they’re not dangerous. They don’t usually bite. Usually. Go to a child, bend your knees. It is good for your knees. And say, “Yes, yes. This is a horrible store. You’re so right.” And then you can say, “Have you lost your parents? Do you need help?” Or you might say, “You’re a funny kid. Can I keep you?” That’s why I have five. No, no, just kidding.
Always try to enjoy having kids. I know it can’t be hard. I have five. I mean, I haven’t had a whole night’s sleep for like 30 years. But they are wonderful human beings. And even teens can be great and funny. Like when the first adolescent hormone explosion comes to the family. You know, puberty? This is an example. “Nobody understands me. You don’t understand me. You’re too old. I must be adopted.” As he runs to a room and slams the door. Fine.
You can choose three ways to deal with this situation. One, be angry. Don’t. “Do you know how much this door costs?” Just wait. Be a guilter. “Don’t you know how much this is hurting me?” Don’t break the door. Three, applaud. “Yes! It has arrived. Yes.” The adolescent hormone explosion has arrived. Yes. And now it’s only three, four years left till it’s over. And then you can clap your hands and say, “Come, do it again. This was great slamming.” Do it again. Nothing takes down teen hormone outbursts like doing things again on demand.
Give every child who approaches you time. And you could, and listen, you could save a child’s life. It has been confirmed that children who are dealing with the most horrible situations in their lives, at their homes, can be saved just by someone who listens to them and talks to them. I have met these survivors. And when I ask, “What saved you?” Expecting the answer to be us, the experts in the welfare system. No, they say, “The lady in the store, my teacher, the father of my best friend, our neighbors. Someone who saw me and listened to me.” And they can survive on that.
So go and find these kids in your children’s friends, in class, in sports, and so on. I want to end my talk by quoting one of the bravest children of our time, Malala. She said, talking about violence against girls, “Let this end with us.” And I want to use her words and say, “Let us, all of you, end using physical force on children. Let us end blaming children. Let us end shouting at children. And let us end using too many negative rules. Let us all, all of you, begin to listen to our children. Let us all begin to talk to our children. And let us all begin to see our children. And let us help them to be what they really are, our amazing and beautiful future.”
This talk titled “Be There For Your Child, Listen And Never Shout” by Páll Ólafsson focuses on the importance of effective communication and understanding between parents or caregivers and their children. Páll Ólafsson, a social worker in child protection, emphasizes several key points:
Belief and Understanding: Children need to feel that the adults in their lives believe in them and understand them. The speaker shares a powerful example of a young girl who self-harmed and expressed her need for belief and support.
Challenges Children Face: Children often face challenges like depression, drug abuse, and a feeling of being unnoticed or unloved. The speaker encourages listeners to reflect on how they can create an environment where children feel seen, heard, and cared for.
Effective Communication Skills: The speaker highlights the importance of teaching children essential communication skills, problem-solving, teamwork, and effective listening. Listening, in particular, is emphasized as a skill that requires more attention than speaking.
Positive Guidance: Instead of using physical force, yelling, or blaming, the speaker suggests guiding children through positive methods. Blaming children and using negative language can have a detrimental impact on their emotional well-being.
Understanding the Brain’s Role: The speaker explains that when children (or adults) are upset or scared, their brains go into survival mode, making it difficult for them to process information and engage in constructive communication.
Non-Verbal Communication: The speaker highlights the significance of tone and body language in communication. He demonstrates how tonality and body language play a larger role in conveying messages compared to words alone.
Setting Examples: Children tend to follow the examples set by adults rather than just listening to their words. The speaker suggests that adults should demonstrate problem-solving, communication, and positive attitudes in their own behavior.
Creating Special Moments: The speaker recommends creating positive and special moments for children, like shared meals and enjoyable mornings, to foster connection and start the day with a positive mindset.
Listening: The speaker underscores the importance of actively listening to children, even when they may not have a solution. Sometimes, children need someone to listen and empathize with their feelings.
Acknowledging Feelings: The speaker encourages adults to acknowledge children’s feelings and provide a safe space for them to express themselves, without judgment or criticism.
Positive Approach to Parenting: The speaker advocates for a positive approach to parenting that emphasizes understanding, communication, and creating a nurturing environment.
Impact of Caring Adults: The speaker shares that children who have experienced difficult situations can be positively impacted by caring adults who listen to them and show genuine concern.
Ending Negative Practices: The talk concludes with a call to end the use of physical force, blaming, shouting, and excessive negativity in interactions with children.
Overall, the talk promotes a compassionate and empathetic approach to parenting and caregiving, highlighting the profound influence that such an approach can have on a child’s emotional well-being and development.
