Here is the full transcript of holistic financial coach Estelle Gibson’s talk titled “Financial Dependency — The Invisible Weapon” at TEDxDayton 2020 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Growing Up With Financial Lessons
I grew up in a family where my father managed all the money, but for some reason when I was eight or nine years old, he started showing me things about money. We would sit at the kitchen table and he’d show me all the bank books. Now that was back in the day before the internet, when we used to have little books that we used to keep our information in. And he would show me how he saved in these accounts and he paid bills out of these.
And every time he would show me something about money, he would end by saying, “And don’t you tell your mother.” Now to this day, I really don’t know why he said that. But what I do know is to that eight-year-old girl sitting at the kitchen table, it meant don’t say a word. Years later when I got my first job, my father said, “You’ll bring me your check and I’ll put it in the bank for you.”
But because of what he had taught me years before, I said, “I’d like my bank book.” And to my surprise, he gave it to me. Right then at 16 years old, I began managing my own money. I went on to college and then to start my new career as a CPA.
But now with student loans, getting an apartment and a new job, I began the rollercoaster ride of accumulating debt, paying it off and accumulating more. Many years later after getting married, I went through an unexpected divorce and I was left with a house I couldn’t afford and bills I couldn’t pay. You might be wondering, how does that happen to someone that’s educated and skilled at managing people’s money? I had reverted back to what I learned growing up, that one person managed all the money.
Financial Dependency
I had handed over my financial power and I had become financially dependent. Financial dependency is when someone is dependent on a person, a job or situation for money and they feel trapped. People fall into two categories, dependent with choice and dependent without a choice. Someone is dependent with choice when they hand over their financial power and their participation.
It can happen in personal or business relationships when one person doesn’t want to be involved with the money so they hand over the responsibility to a spouse, a partner or a professional like an accountant or a manager. This was my situation. I spent all day long managing other people’s money so I was relieved that my husband was interested and good at managing ours. I was free for the first time since that first job at 16 years old.
I didn’t have to be responsible for managing my money. But what I failed to realize was what felt like freedom was really dependency. My mistake is that I didn’t stay involved or understand what was going on with our money. You may have experienced this yourself or you may have heard stories of celebrities or professional athletes that have relied on family, friends and others to manage their money and they are left broke, bankrupt and betrayed because they made the choice to hand over their financial power.
Someone that’s dependent without a choice feels trapped because of their financial situation. They can be in a job or career where they’re unhappy or being harassed but they can’t afford to leave. Or someone that had to move in with family and friends because they’ve had an illness or gone through divorce or experienced a tragedy and now they’re financially dependent on others. And how many of us know someone that has an elderly parent or a relative that can no longer take care of themselves and they’re left to rely on others, sometimes handing over their homes, their money and other assets.
Financial Abuse
Another type of dependency without a choice is financial abuse. Financial abuse is a pattern of abusive behavior used to control and intimidate a partner. Victims are in a relationship and the other person has power over them because they don’t have access to money, information or the resources and support they need to leave. The Allstate Foundation has a program called the Purple Purse that helps victims of domestic violence through financial empowerment.
They report that 99% in 99 out of 100 domestic violence cases, financial abuse helps keep victims trapped in their relationship. The Purple Purse has coined financial abuse “the invisible weapon” because physical abuse leaves bruises and scars but financial abuse doesn’t. Financial abuse and financial dependency leave emotional scars that you can’t see. They include hopelessness, guilt, shame, depression, lack of confidence and self-esteem.
Financial dependency is also invisible because no one’s talking about it. Why? Because no one wants to show their emotional scars and because we’re taught in our homes, on our jobs and in our community not to talk about money. So many people that I talk to about this issue, they can relate and they have a story but they’re not telling anyone their story.
When I was told at the kitchen table, “Don’t you tell,” I never told anyone. It’s even hard for me right now to break that rule that I learned so long ago. So what can I do, what can you do, what can we all do to disarm this invisible weapon? We can solve three problems.
Three Problems to Solve
The first problem is lack of awareness because knowing about money and having money aren’t always the solution. In my situation, I was educated and experienced in managing money but that didn’t stop me from becoming financially dependent. Why? Because of the beliefs and experiences I had growing up.
One person manages all the money. After my divorce, I had to rebuild my life financially and emotionally.