Marriage, Family and Parenting: Paul Washer (Transcript)

And he doesn’t fit in the equation.

As the head of my home, I have the right to serve everyone in my home and to go to bed more tired than everyone else in my home. I have authority to work very hard at the mission… come home and know that my day has just begun. I have a wife. I have now three children at home. I had four children at home. One of them just turned five. And she is my shadow.

You see, men, you don’t really want authority. Authority will send you to an early grave, or at least make you look like you’re already ready for an early grave. Authority will make you tired. Authority makes you a servant. That every decision I make, I’m not in the equation. That’s true authority. What does God command? What will bring Him glory? What is the best thing for my wife? What can I do that she will prosper, that she will grow, that she will become everything she ought to become in Christ? Not molded in my image, but molded in the image of God according to the way God made her. Do you see?

So, authority is not a gorilla-like beating of the chest. It’s not a Caesar-like, everybody serves me. And we have that tendency. We come home, say you’re the breadwinner. You’ve worked very hard. You come home, everyone ought to serve you. No, they don’t. You just keep going.

You just keep going. But if you keep going, they will want to serve you at times.

‘Dad, rest. I got this.’

‘Honey, go out, take your gun, kill something, enjoy yourself.’ Do you see?

What does my wife need? She needs a better husband. Now, not that I want her to replace me anytime soon. She needs a better husband. What’s the biggest problem in our marriage? My wife needs a better husband. What’s the biggest problem in my family? My wife and children need a better husband and father.

You see, when you’re supposedly… If something bad happens at HeartCry, who do they come to? Whose fault is it? Who’s responsible? Me. Something goes bad in the church, who’s responsible? Always the one who assumes some position of authority. And so, men, this is very, very important, especially for men in the ministry.

ARE YOU PUTTING MINISTRY ABOVE YOUR FAMILY?

I have heard men say that they rightfully have neglected their family in some degree because of ministry. Do you know what those men are doing? They’re accusing God. They’re accusing God. Do you know what they’re saying? They’re violating Romans 12:1-2 that says, the will of God is what? Perfect.

So if you tell me, because of the ministry, I don’t have time for my family, look what you’re saying. You’re saying that the will of God is imperfect because in order to obey the will of God in the ministry, I have to violate the will of God with regard to my wife and my family. That’s blaming God. That’s nothing heroic or sacrificial. That’s blaming God. And that’s demonstrating that your real intention is not to be obedient. Your real intention is to create some sort of name for yourself, some sort of kingdom. Or maybe God just needs your help.

You see, we’re only required to be obedient.

Okay? Now, some of you wives right now, you just want to put a proverbial elbow right into the ribs of your husband and say something like this, why can’t you be like that man?

Here’s the answer I’m going to give you. Look at her and say, that man’s not even like that man. But I do see this as a reality. And I do repent when anything starts becoming like me. And oh, it does. Whenever there are unmet expectations that cause me to be sad. But men, authority is authority to serve. You have been entrusted with God’s daughter. You have been entrusted with children. Do you see?

Now, men, if you worked, let’s say I owned a big company, and 75% of the sales, or let’s say that I owned a big company and you were kind of a new guy in there and you were just useless. Do you know what I would probably say? Look, to my upper management, I’d say, yeah, he’s useless. But he’s young. Let’s invest in him. Let’s have some mercy. Let’s keep him on.

Now, let’s change the scenario. 75% of all the sales in my company come from you. You’re a hot shot. You’re amazing. But you also happen to be married to my daughter. You’re neglecting her and mistreating you. I’m going to shoot you, hang you in a tree, and let the news spread that no one does something like that to my daughter.

Well, you’re going to lose all the sales. I don’t care, it’s my daughter. Your wife, if she is a believing wife, is far more important to God. He doesn’t need you to manage His company. He doesn’t need your sales. He doesn’t need whatever you think that you’re giving. God is calling us to a life of obedience. A life of obedience. And that is a fearful thing.

When you’ve been married as long as I have, and you’re saying the things I’m saying, and you look back and you see so many times when that was not lived out in your life. But I find out that it’s helpful at least to know this is true, to strive towards it and repent when you see yourself outside of it, and like many men who’ve never even thought about the things I’m saying right now. All we are required to be is obedient.

Now, some of you may be pastors, and you remember when I said yesterday, have you ever gone through the Old and New Testament and wrote out every text that has to do with pastoring so you actually know what your responsibilities are according to God? Most people haven’t.

But I say the same thing. Have you ever gone through the Old and New Testament and picked out all the texts that talk about what a husband is? What God will judge you for on the day of judgment with regard to your office as husband? Most people have never done that.

The Bible says where there is no vision, the people perish. And usually guys with really big churches, the vision is a building program, and they say where we don’t have a vision to go forward, we’re going to just perish. That’s not what that text means at all. It’s actually talking about a revelation of God’s law.

Where there is no revelation or knowledge of what God’s will is, the people run wild. Husbands, it’s really easy to run wild doing that which is right in our own eyes when we’ve never sat down and said, ‘Lord, according to You, what is a husband? What is he supposed to do? How will he be judged?’

Have you ever done that? Don’t you think you ought to? I mean, that’s pretty big because you will be judged regarding that matter. Okay?

And so you can say all day long you’re in a biblical church. You can say all day long that you believe in inerrancy and infallibility and inspiration. Do you believe in the sufficiency of Scripture?

One of the most important tasks that’s been given to you is to care for your bride. How’s that supposed to be defined? Only by Scripture? I remember one time when I was in seminary, the professor walked in and he said, okay, students, I want you to just give me a bunch of… it was a still when you used blackboards. He said, just give me lists of attributes. So there’s probably 25, I don’t know how many, just a multitude of attributes that were written on the board after about 10 minutes.

I’m kind of sitting there just looking. And the professor looked at me and goes, ‘Okay, Wasser, what are you looking so funny for?’

And I said, ‘Well, I was just thinking about something. We’ve said nothing.’

And he said, ‘What do you mean we’ve said nothing? We’ve written all these attributes on the board.’ But he knew where I was going.

And I said, ‘Well, but we’ve said nothing. As a matter of fact, maybe we’ve said heresy.’

And he said, ‘But every one of these are in the Scriptures.’

I said, ‘Yeah, they are. Still could be heretical.’

And he said, ‘Why?’

I said, ‘Because there’s about 30 students here. It’s really possible that 30 students have 30 different definitions on what holy is. 30 definitions of what love is. 30 definitions of what just is. So by putting those names up there, we’ve done nothing unless we define those terms biblically.’

And that’s the same way. You can look at your wife and say, I love you. That’s what you can say. I love you.

So what you’re saying is this: I am patient with you. I am kind to you. I’m not jealous about your happiness, your promotion. I don’t brag about myself around you. I’m never arrogant with you. I do not act in an unbecoming or unattractive way around you. I never seek my own. I only seek your good. I’m never provoked. I never take in account, wife, any wrong that you’ve done to me. I never bring it up. The moment you do it, I forgive it. And I remember it no more. I never rejoice in unrighteousness, but only with the truth. And with you, my dear wife, I bear all things, all your shortcomings, all your failures, I bear with them. I believe all things. When you say you’re going to start anew, I believe you. When you say you’re sorry, I believe you. When you say that you’re going to try to never do that again, I’m never going to say to you, yeah, you’ve said that a hundred times. I endure all things. Whatever you throw at me, I endure it. Because my love never fails.

Do you see? When you say, I love you, I know guys who love pickles. Is that the same thing? So you see how powerful the Word is? Just with what I just did shocked you, didn’t it? It shocked you. Why? Because now you can’t use the word love or the phrase I love you without thinking about it biblically. When I say I love you, I’m making a commitment to you to be this way.

Just this little thing I just said, it can change everything, can’t it? Can’t it?

You see, oh, I’m a pastor. Who defines that? God. He is a definition of a pastor. He has the qualifications of a pastor. Non-negotiable. He has the duties of a pastor laid out throughout the Old and New Testament. And if you’re not doing those things or qualified in those things, you’re not a pastor. I can say that I’m a chimpanzee, but that doesn’t make me one. Do I have the characteristics of a chimpanzee? Do you see? And that’s what I want you to see.

I’m so tired of myself and of you constantly talking about how biblical we are. And then you’re all of a sudden introduced to a passage in 1 Corinthians 13 that you would have memorized when you were a little child, and now it’s been brought into your life here after you’re 40 or 50 years old and you’re going, my gosh, that’s astounding to look at it that way. You mean that’s astounding and life-changing to look at love biblically? Do you see?

And the reason why I’m giving this point is because we need to go through all the Bible that way. How should I act as a dad? How should a wife act? How should a mother act? How should children act?

Mom, why do we do this? Because I say so. No, we do this because this is what God in His wisdom has ordained. Do you see? We’re really not… I’m not. Let’s just leave you out of the equation. Many times I awake to find out that I’m really not quite as biblical as I thought I was. Do you see?

And so those are some things that I wanted to bring out.

Now, just briefly, in Ephesians 5:21, ‘and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.’ Believers are to be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Now, that doesn’t mean whatever you tell me, I’m going to believe, accept, and submit my life to. Because another believer can be wrong.

But the idea that I want you to see is first of all, not my wife and I as husband and wife, but I want you to see two believers because that’s what we are. I firmly believe that a man is to lead his home. So believe that when I say that. I do.

But I’m also subject to my wife as a fellow believer. She can speak into my life. She can talk to me. She can tell me when she disagrees with me. I can sit down and ask for her counsel and have one opinion, she has another, and I sit there and go, my wife has made the wiser decision. I think we need to follow her counsel. She’s a fellow believer.

And for me to listen to her, draw counsel from her, and sometimes go the way she suggested because I see there’s a lot more wisdom in it, that doesn’t make me less of a leader at all. And the first person I’m going to run to is not going to even be my elder necessarily, except in some extreme situation. With regard to me and my family, I’m going to run to my wife and we’re going to talk. I’m going to listen. And when I don’t, I recognize I’m in sin.

Sometimes it takes a few days. Sometimes it takes la chancla. You gringos wouldn’t understand that. That’s a Latin thing where if you see a woman coming at you and you happen to be married to her and she’s got flip-flops on, do not insult her, because in a millisecond, she will jump up in the air, do some Bruce Lee move, grab her flip-flop off her foot and throw it. It’ll bounce off the wall seven, eight times, take out all the children and you, and then go back in her hands like that. Okay?

But she’s a fellow believer. I don’t complete her. I know that shocks you. I hear these preachers: your husband completes you. Ma’am, if your husband can complete you, you’re lost. You’re not a Christian. Only Christ can complete you. Don’t put your husband there. He’s going to fail every time on that job. Your heart has been expanded too far as a believer for some silly man to be able to complete you and fill you. He’s not.

My wife doesn’t complete me and I don’t complete her. Christ completes us. I’m not going to put the pressure on her: You’ve got to complete me. Right? We’re both believers.

Another thing, I AM NOT MY WIFE’S MEDIATOR. She doesn’t need a mediator between Christ and herself. She is a person in her own right and one day she’ll receive a white stone with a name on it and I don’t know anything about that name. It’s between her and the Lord. So she’s a believer.

My wife also doesn’t need to go to one of those silly women’s conferences that’s entitled, ‘If the World Gives You Lemons, Learn How to Make Lemonade.’ My wife needs theology because she’s a believer and women grow in grace the same way men do through the study of Scripture. My wife needs Scripture. And my wife can talk to me about Scripture. And my wife can actually instruct me in Scripture.

It doesn’t mean she’s taking authority over me or being my head or anything, but if it wasn’t for her, I’d have never understood Proverbs 31. I was talking about it one day and she goes, ‘Well, sit down for a second. Here’s your problem. You’re seeing this as a day in the life of this woman when actually these are stages in her life. She wasn’t trading with merchants when she was raising children. There’s stages in her life and there’s going to be stages in mine. Anything you say, dear. Just tell me when those stages are so I can have a heads up on it.’

And so first of all, I want you to see that you’re walking with a believer. You see how important that is? It’s so important. She doesn’t walk behind me. She doesn’t walk in front of me. She walks beside me. She’s not lesser. She’s different. She’s a helper. But obviously, there’s something. She’s God I really need because God said I’m not going to make it without Her. It’s like, again, you marry a Latin woman, you need me. Yes, I do. You see?

And I want you to see that because whenever people talk about headship, I see them automatically a lot of times going down a road where either they deny headship in the end or they turn it into some sort of, I don’t know, grotesque monster where the woman is something less. She’s not. She’s different. I never thought that would get me in trouble for saying it, but women are different than men.

Alright, but then it comes to 22 and it says…

Ephesians 5:22: ‘Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.’ This won’t work if you don’t understand the Lord’s headship and you don’t understand some of the differences here.

First of all, we’re talking about the headship of Jesus Christ who knowing where He came from, where He was going, who He was and everything, He took a towel and He served. It is service. This is not Caesar’s throne. This is Christ’s basin and Christ’s towel.

HOW DO I PRIMARILY THEN LEAD AS THE HEAD OF MY HOME?

Paul said, you know, imitate me as I imitate Christ. I believe that primarily my role is that of teaching. Teaching, teaching. You know, it’s amazing that the elders who truly exposit the Scriptures and are constantly teaching the Scriptures to their people, they have less need of making these radical, independent decisions and strong-arming a congregation. Why? Because they all have the same mind. Because of teaching. Because of example, you see.

When their decision has to be made in my home, I don’t just make the decision. I don’t. Why would I? Why wouldn’t I draw upon the counsel of the woman that I love? And I need her counsel. Now in the end, if a push comes to shove and a decision has to be made, and there’s still not the unity we need, but it has to be made and she recognizes it, yeah, there we go, I’ve got to make it. And I’ve got to stand or fall on that decision.

But that’s hardly ever happened. I really don’t know if it has ever happened. Because, here’s the thing, you’ve probably heard this illustration, but it’s always been helpful for me.

You’ve got a bicycle wheel, and you’ve got the axis in the middle, and you’ve got spokes. Spokes start out wide and they start getting narrower and narrower as they touch the axis. You know what’s amazing? The spokes never touch each other. But the closer they get to the center of the wheel, the closer the spokes come together.

I don’t need to conform my wife to my image, nor does she need to conform me to hers. We both need to be conformed to the image of Christ. And as both of us get closer to Christ and the mind of Christ, the more we are going to think alike. And that’s teaching. That’s Scripture.

And you say, well, you know, you’re a preacher. And I say, and sir, you’re a believer. And the Bible says clearly in the New Covenant that they will all be taught of God.

And here’s something where I will tell you that I have failed, is that I am married to an extremely strong woman, and I am glad about that. But because she’s so strong, I spent most of our marriage investing my life in our children because they were unconverted. Investing in them, investing in them, investing in them. And this is one area in which I’m changing, but I’ve failed.

The person I should have been most concerned about growing spiritually was my wife. Now, she has grown spiritually, but she did it on her own, and that’s good. But your priority is not your children. It should never be your children. The priority is your wife growing together, studying the Scriptures together, and praying together. And because my wife is so strong, all I was ever thinking about was devotional times with the children, discipling the children, doing this, doing that. And that’s not right.

Because according to Ephesians 5, as we go down here, we see the idea of gospelizing your wife. And I’m going to talk about that for a moment.

But I want to say this right now, ladies. And again, I’m talking about in the context of a normal marriage, not an abusive relationship or anything like that. That’s a completely different thing. But I’m just talking about a normal marriage where sometimes, yeah, you really want to kill him. But it’s a normal marriage. Okay?

A HUSBAND NEEDS HIS WIFE’S RESPECT.

I need my wife’s respect. I don’t need her… There’s a difference between her counseling even questioning. But I don’t need every move to be questioned. I don’t need every move to be doubted. I don’t need to be told, well, the last time you made a decision like this. You can kill your husband, ladies. And some of you probably are.

Just like your husband can just be totally blind to the needs you have and your desire for love and everything else, he can be totally blind and he can kill you by wilting you down to nothing just by neglect because he’s so thinking about himself. But in the same way, you can just demoralize that man and turn him into nothing. He needs your respect.

Now here goes a really important thing. Well, if he wants my respect, he needs to earn it. And if you want his love, you need to meet all the conditions. And that’s be six feet tall, weigh four pounds. And have the spirituality of the Apostle Paul. We’re not going to get anywhere with that kind of attitude, are we?

You see, let me share with you something. You see these dating services where it’s like, you know, you meet the person that’s like you. You know, I want us to be compatible, right? You know what that is? It’s self-love. It’s exactly what it is. I love me and I want to love somebody just like me. If they’re not just like me, I don’t love them.

Here’s what God’s going to do. He’s going to throw a wrench into all of that. God is going to give you a wife. Now, I could say the same thing. God is going to give you a husband, but I can’t just keep going backwards and forwards.

God is going to give you a wife that meets all the conditions that must be met so that you’re not tempted beyond what you can bear. But God is also going to give you a wife that He has purposely orchestrated to not meet some of the most important conditions for you. She may, by God’s purpose, literally not be what you want in the areas where you most wanted her to be that.

Why? Well, let’s just ask a question. How can you learn unconditional love if you’re married to someone who meets all the conditions? And we can turn that around. Same way with your husband. You know, you may have wanted certain things and then you’re sad the rest of your life because of unmet expectations. He never turned out to be what I wanted him to be.

You see, what this is really all about is marriage is about reflecting the love of Christ and the responsiveness of the church. So a man is to love his wife, but the wife is to respond to that. But if we get into the thing of I’ll respond when he loves or I’ll love when he responds, well, that’s like eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth and pretty much everybody’s walking around blind with no teeth.

You see, the whole idea is, this whole thing is, and men, the primary responsibility is on us. You say, well, I will love my wife this way when she respects me. Yeah, but there’s a real problematic text in 1 John. Why do we love Him? Because He loved us first. You see that?

This whole thing about unconditional love, it’s just, that’s the thing. You pray all your life, I want to be like Christ, I want to be like Christ, I want to be like Christ. What are the things we sing about? Do we sing about His wrath? Not much. Do we sing about His judgment? Not much. What do we sing about? His love, His unconditional love, His mercy, His grace.

You know, a guy told me one time, and this is so true, if you’re a preacher, it is so true. So you’ve been out preaching for two weeks. You’ve been going through jungles, you’ve been getting shot at, I mean, eaten monkey, I mean, everything. You’re God’s champion, and you’ve been out there fighting dragons, and you come home. And you think that when you approach the house, your wife should come out, just throwing her arms open to take in her champion, and your children coming out and throwing flowers. Our father, not our dad, our father has come home. And that’s not what happens.

Here’s what happens. You get to the door. You’ve been through this, but you’re almost afraid to touch that doorbell. And even before you touch it, the door flies open, and there’s a woman standing there going, I hope you’re finished with your vacation, because your children, not mine, two weeks. And you get mad.

You know what a friend of mine told me? He said, here’s what’s going on. He said, I’ve seen this happen with my wife who is godly. I’ve seen this happen with other ministers. Because you know what’s going on? He says, I’m an old man now, this is what’s going on, I’m going to tell you. God could give your wife grace to answer that door in a completely different way. But He’s giving you the opportunity to show your wife what Christ is like even in the face of her sin. And every time you get angry, you’ve failed. You just failed. To show her the unconditional love of Christ, and you put yourself right in the center of everything. Wow.

So, I’ve been nailing the guys pretty hard. We’re going to do a question and answer for a moment, but I just want to get over here and I want to talk to the women for a minute. So buckle up.

Okay, let’s go to Romans chapter 12. This is just a brief excerpt from my sermon to women on how to live in such a way so that God will kill your husband. Now again, I’m just saying it that way so you kind of get an idea here.

Okay, look what it says in Romans 12:17-21: ‘Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own vengeance, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING, YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.’

One time I had to take my car to inspection. As far as I know, it was an old Jeep, but all the lights were working. Everything was fine. I turned it in to the mechanic. Couldn’t find out. There were lights that weren’t working. There were different things. And they had to fix it. It cost me, I don’t know, somewhere under $100. It wasn’t that bad.

And I drive home, and I pull in my driveway, get out. I’m looking at it. The lights don’t work. The lights they supposedly, the new ones they put in. I didn’t have any light problem. So I drive back. When I drove back and I pulled in there, they knew they had been caught. They knew it. I could see it on their faces. And man, there were three of them standing in the door, and you could just see them getting ready. They were getting ready because they knew I was going to bust out of there.

And I walked up and I said, I prayed about it. I walked up and I said, men, I so appreciate everything you’ve done. You found those lights, those different things. But it seems like there’s some problem that just happened. If you could look at it again and just fix those lights, they must have come loose or something. And you could just see them looking at me. Like, you know we’re caught. Why are you treating us this way?

Man, I felt so spiritual. I witnessed to them. I fixed the car. I got in and no, I did not hear a voice and the Lord didn’t speak to me. But all of a sudden, there was such conviction of sin. I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world. And all I could think about was those wicked men who purposely sought to take your money and everything else. You treated them with such kindness and patience and everything. And yet I go home and an impatient with my wife or angry because of this or that. Isn’t it amazing how we can treat other people in the church? We can treat unbelieving people so beautifully. Then we come home. The person that’s supposed to be most special to us, we treat them as a commoner. Do you see that?

Now, that just popped into my head. So let’s go back to this.

So, look at verse 19.

Romans 12:17: ‘Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God…’ Now, if your husband is a believer, we’re not talking about the wrath of God here. But I want you to look at something.

When you go to Europe, in a lot of the castles, they’re just beautiful. And you’ll see this like front door. I’m not talking about the main gate. The front door of the castle will be huge. Ten guys could go in that castle walking shoulder to shoulder, enter in that front door. But in some of the castles, the stairwell going up to the second floor is about this narrow. And then there’s just a door at the top that’s also quite small.

And I asked somebody about it one time, why have I seen this as a common trait?

And he says, oh, it’s brilliant. He says, let’s say you’re in the castle and the castle is surrounded by enemies. The enemies far outnumber you, far outnumber you. Well, those enemies bust in the front door. Ten men walking shoulder to shoulder just bust in that front door. But everybody in the castle, what do they do? They run up to the second floor.

And he said, think about this. You see the way that those stairs are? Only one man at a time can come up those stairs. And so one man with a pike, it’s like a long spear, can stand there and defend that entire castle because only one man at a time can come up those stairs.

Ladies, you’re disappointed with your husband, you’re angry with your husband, your husband isn’t the husband you want him to be, or your husband failed in this, that, that, and you’re going to change him. You’re the one who writes my wife and says, teach me how to lead my husband to lead.

Here’s what I would tell you. You’re praying, God, why don’t you change my husband? It’s been years. Why don’t you change him? Why don’t you change my husband? Why don’t you change my husband?

And the Lord says, get out of the way. You’re attacking the castle. Your husband’s run up to the second floor. He’s there with the pike and you’re coming running at him up those narrow stairs. And the whole time you’re fighting your husband with your sword, which happens to be your tongue. The whole time you’re fighting your husband, you’re looking back and say, God, why don’t you help me?

‘Get out of the way.’

‘God, why don’t you help me?’

‘Get out of the way.’

‘Why don’t you do anything with my husband?’

‘Get out of the way.’

Now, again, I’m talking about a normal marriage, not an abusive marriage or things like that. I’m just talking about the normal marriages where we have normal problems, where the wife sometimes does want to kill the husband.

Have you ever won a battle with your husband? Yes. Did it ever change him? No. You’re doing exactly what you’re not supposed to be doing.

You see, your sin against me does not give me an excuse to sin against you. Your sin against me does not give me an excuse to violate the commands of God. Do you see that?

You see, let’s look at it this way. I have given my wife reasons for being angry with me. But the Lord has never given my wife reasons for disobeying Him. You see, what it is, we justify ourselves. Well, you know, He just never thinks about me. He doesn’t lead our home and He doesn’t do that. So you’re going to sin now and that’s going to make it better. Is that what you’re saying?

Or the husband says, you know, she always questions me. She says she wants to lead or if I lead, she comes against me. She does. OK, so that gives you a reason not to love her. But you see, you both failed each other. So I guess you could say each of you have given a reason to the other. But Christ never gave you a reason to disobey Him. Do you see the problem?

This is not treat her in a certain way because she deserves it or treat him in a certain way because he deserves it. It’s treat each other a certain way because the one who never failed you commanded it. Commanded it. And a lot of times, especially with your husband, just write out a list. Go home, think about it for a week. Write out a list of every time that you argued your husband into submission where you won his love by fighting him. Just go back. Knock yourself out. You’re probably going to find it.

But now I will tell you this. How many times have I come home, problems at the mission, problems at the church? I’m tired, I’m wore out and I walk in the house and I haven’t eaten all day. And I say, you know, there’s nothing to eat. Why haven’t I mean, where’s the food? And I’m impatient and everything else.

And my wife comes out and says something like this. Look, just say, I don’t care. I’m tired. I’m this, I’m that. And you’re being judgmental and you don’t know what’s going on and everything else.

Yeah. The war just started.

She feels justified. I feel justified. Let’s go at it. But I can tell you this. I come home. I’m impatient, hungry, horrible day. This, that. There’s nothing to eat. Honey, what is going on? I mean, I worked all day. Why?

And she just says, I’m very sorry. I’ll get something on the table pretty quick.

Then I look for him. Well, what happened? Well, Bronwyn’s been sick all day. She’s been throwing up and I’ve been with her. Then I go like this. Excuse me.

I go outside the house. The woodshed. Oak, hickory works well. Ocher hickory board, usually about three feet long. You grab it like this and you beat yourself in the forehead for about an hour. And then you go back in and you ask for forgiveness from your wife. Look what she just did. Her godliness. Heap hot coals on my head. She gave me no justification. I mean, I never do have justification, but in my own twisted mind, she gave me no justification. She didn’t fight fire with fire. She didn’t fight evil with evil.

And when she does that, I’ll be honest with you. When she is this woman like this, she owns me. She literally owns me. When I walk in the house and there’s a sweet spirit, not servitude, not here’s your slippers, just walk in and there’s just a kindness, a sweetness. She will disarm me.

You know, like I’ve heard the lady say, you know, the man is the head and the woman is the neck and moves the head any way she wants. But literally, when her kindness, a gentle spirit, and you’re also going to find out, ladies, we all get older, don’t we? Us guys get older, you know, ladies get older. We’re not like we were when we were 20. Well, maybe we are. There’s just more of us.

But when she acts like a woman, bearing the fruit of the Spirit and demonstrates respect toward me, and I see a gentle and quiet spirit, she’s more beautiful than the day I married her.

You see, and she tells me, because of my heart attack and everything else, my physical, but I always work out. She sometimes comes out and she goes, why are you still doing this, you old man? Well, you think you’re Bruce Lee. But she’s told me so many times, she said, Paul, you don’t understand a woman. I appreciate lift weights. You do all this stuff, punch the bag and the dog and everything else. But she said, you know what makes you handsome? Affection, looking at me, being kind to me, doing things with me like cooking or something. She goes, that’s attractive. She goes, I don’t care if you have a little belly. She said, what’s attractive is just that.

And isn’t that amazing that we’re all going to lose the physical, we’re all going to face different things like that. But we can increase in these things that are genuinely attractive. Isn’t that amazing? We can. We really can.

But see, here’s the thing, Stuart Scott, I think, wrote the book, The Exemplary Husband You know what I like about that book? He kind of does in some way what I did in Russia. It’s like, when are you going to start talking about marriage? I mean, he talks about marriage from the get go. But the whole thing is, his premise is biblical. He’s like, your problem isn’t really anything other than, gentlemen, you’re not like Jesus. If you’re like Jesus, then everything’s going to turn out OK. You see?

Now, just a couple other things, then we’ll do questions. If you have a strong wife, just realize this. I always tell guys, hey guys, your sons need you. And then I go, and your daughters, they need you more. Yes, daughters need their dad more than sons need their dad. And then third, your wife needs you more.

You see, I know women who say, you know, my children are everything. Well, then you’re wrong. You know, the best thing you can do for your children, lady, dear sister, is respect your husband. Do you know the best thing you can do for your children, gentlemen, brothers? Love your wife. They’re going to go, well, my dad’s not going anywhere. We’re secure.

Do you see that? Also, think about it. Brother, you kind of just mistreat your wife. Don’t expect that your daughter, when she sees that, is going to raise her standard when she goes look for a man. You’re inconsiderate with your wife. You don’t serve your wife. You don’t… And you’re rude to your wife, and you yell at your wife. This is what your daughter’s going to think. Well, this is just the way marriage is. They don’t have a very high standard. Do you want that?

Or, you see, your sons, are they going to treat their wives like you treat their mother? Do you see? Or ladies, do you really want your daughter to make her husband’s life extremely difficult? Because all she’s ever had as an example of a wife was a wife that questioned her husband at every step and literally destroyed any thought he had of being a man. Do you see how sins can just go and go and go?

Where I have most failed is in being faithful to my children with regard to the study of Scripture and discipleship and everything, but looking at my wife as a person so strong that she was a part of the family Bible study. No, I should have spent more time with her around the kitchen table reading Scripture, praying with her, talking to her. Not preaching to her, but sharing with her, and she sharing with me and being in the Scriptures.

All right, so let’s open it up for questions. If anybody has a question.

FEMALE AUDIENCE: [Question Inaudible]

PAUL WASHER: All right. A strong woman is still an obedient woman, obedient to the Lord. Look, let me give an example. When they told my wife, look, your husband just died. You know, I had those three, my heart stopped three times. They said, even if he survives, he’s going to be an institution. I know exactly what my wife did. She didn’t cry. She hurt, and there would be a time to cry.

But I know my wife. When she heard the news, she went, I got four kids to raise. I don’t have time to cry right now. I don’t need them to see me afraid. She’s a strong woman. She’s an intelligent woman. She knows a lot. She can show me things I don’t know. She can show me where I’m wrong. She can talk to me as an equal. She has a strong spirit, a strong will. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as it’s obedient. It’s one of the problems I have with some of the homeschooling.

You know, they’re raising up girls to just kind of pride and prejudice, wear pride and prejudice dresses and do calligraphy and wait for a husband. Have you seen some of these young men? Your daughters need to learn how to take care of themselves.

I want a daughter who is like that Proverbs 31 woman. I want a daughter who can stand by her husband. I want a daughter who’s like her mother. She’s capable and strong and intelligent. And if my wife’s intimidating to you, it’s not so much saying something about her, it’s saying something about you, gentlemen. So that this woman who is strong in the Lord.

Okay. And sometimes I have to admit my wife’s a little bit too strong. I told her one day, I said, you know, one of our problems is if a man knocked down our front door and I was down in the basement, if a man knocked down our front door, standing there with two machetes with blood all over him going to come in, you wouldn’t even call me. And she goes, because there’d be no reason to.

One time someone said to me, you mean you went down to the other tribe and you left your wife there with the tribal people? And the tribal people loved her and they would have protected her from anything. I said, yeah. Well, what if somebody attacks? I said, well, I guess I’ll pay for their hospital bill. The thing is, there is a strength in a woman that doesn’t eliminate her femininity and her difference.

And I tell young men, you want a woman who is intelligent, who has studied. Another thing is, you know, in homeschooling, do you know homeschooling in many ways has failed because it’s raised up a bunch of boys that the girls call jelly beans? Why? Because they were raised by their mom. And so men need to be involved in that.

But in homeschooling, your wife needs to be a theologian. She needs to know about history. She needs to be a very intelligent woman. And if I drop dead, which is very possible. I mean, I’ve already done it three times. I can’t even die right. If I drop dead, my wife’s going to take care of three children. Now, I’ve done things as a man that I should have done with regard to if I die, this will be taken care of. This will take. But that doesn’t eliminate the fact my wife is going to take control. And buddy, she will be able to. So that’s that type of strength that does not contradict everything else the Bible says about a woman who is a gentle spirit.

OK, another question.

FEMALE AUDIENCE: I just wanted to know if you had any advice for single parents trying to raise their children on a biblical standard.

PAUL WASHER: Yes, here’s the thing. I had someone ask me yesterday. Very good question. But they said, you know, how do I as a woman assume the role of a mother and a father? Well, you don’t. The same way that if my wife perished, I couldn’t assume the role of a mother. If you’re a single mom, be the best mother you can be. If you need to be in a biblical church where some of the men in the church would always be watching over a widow or someone who has been separated, always watching over them. If there are boys, if there are things to help them and teach them, take them fishing and all these things and then to pray that, you know, another family could be formed.

But the thing about it is, is God is the Father to the orphan and the husband to the widow. And so you can’t move into that role, you know, because you’ve got to understand something. A lot of times, well, you know, there’s no father to discipline. My wife is Latin, so my children want me there to protect them from their mother. So it’s a little different. I’m just kidding.

Every time I get it, I got to do those jokes every time. But what you need to understand is a lot of times, like the father’s the disciplinarian and the mother is not. No, they’re supposed to be perfect agreement. So that if dad’s out of the picture, discipline continues the same. I teach my boys. Now, I have one son, six five, and he’s not afraid of me. He’s afraid of his mom. But they know that to not listen to their mother is to not listen to me. They know I’m going to back their mother.

And so she’s going to be able to continue on being a mother because there’s so much agreement between her as a mother and me as a father. And that’s so important.

Now, here’s the thing, men, in a biblical church, you see a woman and she’s got two boys. One of them’s nine and one of them’s eleven. And she’s got to have her hands full with taking care of her children, working, whatever she has to do. This is where a church comes in and says, a man says, I’m going to take my boys fishing on Saturday. Would your boys like to come with me? You know, doing things like that, that’s part of being a father. Being in a biblical church. It’s taking care of a single woman and her children, not just financially or spiritually, but also helping them in life.

Another question. Yes, ma’am.

FEMALE AUDIENCE: [Question Inaudible] Brother, you just scared me when you said one bad thing about homeschooling is that it’s producing jellies. Either because we’ve been on the field or we’ve been doing other things, we have had to do homeschooling. And there’s never seemed like a good alternative. And I’m just wondering if anyone can counsel you against the thing to avoid the jelly beans?

PAUL WASHER: Well, first of all, I homeschool. Men need to be very careful when they say, huh? Yeah, men always say, you know, I’ll ask men when I go to a conference. How many of you men homeschool? And they raise their hands. And I said, now, keep your hands up. How many of you men homeschool? Or you’re just married to a woman who does all the homeschooling?

OK, so one of the things is homeschooling is not mother schooling. It’s homeschooling. Now, so my wife does most of the academic stuff. Because I’m working, I’m at the mission. She does most academic stuff. We talk about things, things like that. But she’s at home, the one doing the stuff.

All right. But this is more than — education is more than just academics. All right. So who’s going to teach them Bible? Me. OK, but here’s the thing. I told my boys, you’re not playing football. You’re not in a school where you’re playing football. You’re not in wrestling. This or that. So here’s what we’re going to do. First of all, you’re going to work. You are going to work. And my boy was 14. He’s doing his homeschooling. He was working construction. You’re going to work.

All right. Another thing you’re going to do, you’re going to lift weights. Now, if we lived on a farm, that wouldn’t be necessary. I’d have you out there hauling hay and tackling bulls and all that kind of stuff. But we’re not. You’re going to lift weights. You are not going to have soft hands. I am not. None of this little bitty bicep building weights. You’re going to be power lifting. You will be dead lifting. You’re going to be throwing live pigs across the garage. And you’re going to fight. You’re going to do these things.

Now, as you get older and you go, Dad, I don’t, you know, I don’t want to fight anymore. But I do know how to defend myself, Dad. OK, you’re going to keep doing exercise. You can do things that press you, make you sweat, make you hurt. I knew one guy. He was brilliant. You look at his backyard and it’s like there’s a pallet over here on one side with bricks about this high, you know, cinder blocks. And over there, an empty pallet. And I said, what’s that? He goes, discipline. Because there reaches an age you don’t spank a child at a certain age. Don’t spank a boy at a certain age. What do you do? He said, well, I don’t spank him at a certain age. I said, what do you do? He goes, the blocks. What do you mean the blocks? They disobey their mom. That boy goes out. He moves all those blocks over there. Takes about two and a half hours, although he is getting a little faster at it.

He said, I had another boy, you know, when they got a certain age. So every discipline was so many push-ups. He said, when my boy went to the Marines, he won every award with push-ups and pull-ups. And they’re the most disobedient kid you’ve ever seen. But now he’s a good Marine. So there needs to be a toughness.

But guys, also, you know, you also don’t leave your daughter out of that. My wife and I, three days before my wife found out she was pregnant with our first child, we were down in the bottoms hauling out oak logs about eight inches in diameter, about like this. I had on my shoulder and she had it on hers. And we’re walking out of the forest. My wife can work. And so my daughters need to know how to work. And my daughter at 10 killed her first deer. She can shoot the eyes out of a cricket with a gun. So it’s not just, I’m going to make the boys all tough. I’m going to ask, you want to go around?

If you think you can take me, Dad, I’ll go around with you. You’ve got – and this is the father’s job primarily, you’ve got to realize I’m not going to be able to be the big hero in the ministry all the time. I’ve got children to raise. And part of that is doing stuff with them. You know, if you can do some kind of, you know, I’m not, people think I’m totally against sports. I’m not, I’m against the idolatry of it. But these guys need to run. They need to sweat. They need to hurt. They need to wrestle. There needs to be an element of fear. They need to grow up, you see.

And I have no problem. I know many of you probably get angry about it. But, you know, with my daughter, like my wife said, I want my daughter to be able, I want her to have a husband standing there beside her. But what if a husband’s not standing there beside her, my wife says? I want her to be able to do a smackdown on that guy.

I said, okay, as long as it’s not her husband, she does that. So there’s a beauty in strength for women also. And no, it doesn’t turn them into masculine. It’s just a beauty. My daughter loves to run. She likes to hunt. She likes to fish. And that’s why I tell you guys, that’s the way she’s made. She likes that stuff.

And so I tell you, you know, if your sons need you as a dad, your daughters need you more. And so you’re going to have to invent ways to give them that thing that they don’t get because they’re just locked in the house. Do you see?

Another question?

NOW, AS A CHRISTIAN, HOW DO I TRAIN MY DAUGHTER?

MALE AUDIENCE: So when I was saved, my daughter was about 10. And pretty much for that first 10 years of her life, she didn’t get much discipline at all. And I was also single for the first half of that. And I had her all the time and kind of let her run amok. And now as a Christian, I’m trying to instill discipline. Do you have any recommendations on discipline for like a 12-year-old girl, 13, almost 13?

PAUL WASHER: Um, here’s the thing that you need to understand. If you start with discipline, and I am not talking about child abuse. I’m not talking about beating. I’m talking about discipline. Ordered, consecutive, intelligent discipline. If you start that when the child is born, then, you know, the first six years are the developmental stage of that child. Some say more, some say less. But when you instill a sense of discipline in them, then, you’d be amazed how little you have to discipline children. You’d just be amazed. Okay?

And it starts out by simply, no, you know, the mother knows. That’s a cry of a baby who’s afraid. I need to go to it. And that’s a cry of a baby manipulating their mom. I don’t know how moms know that, but they know it. And it all starts there. Now, when you come to a sense where, okay, this hasn’t happened, and now the child is a certain age. One of the things that you’ve really got to realize is this. Give me your heart, my son. In this case, give me your heart, my daughter.

I see people trying to do discipline, and they have not created a relationship. They’re making demands, but it’s like, who’s this stranger making demands? One of the jobs of a father is to win their children’s heart, to become the person that they know, the child knows, this dad of mine loves me. He spends time with me. He does all these things with me. And that’s what needs to be. I won’t necessarily see what is a first step, but an ongoing step and process is winning their heart, winning their heart.

And then when discipline has to happen, which in her age, now, again, people would disagree with me on this, but there reaches a point where I know people talk about physical discipline. There reaches a point where I think in her case, anything like that is going to be demeaning and degrading to her. And I do believe that, and I believe in discipline, trust me.

But there comes a point when your child is a certain age that it creates a bitterness, it’s demeaning, and it just doesn’t seem right to me. But now it’s the case of privileges, of losing privileges, of doing this and that. But as you increase the discipline, you can only do that to the degree that you’re increasing that relationship, and you’re explaining and showing.

Now, let me use that to go off of something. Have you heard men say this? Maybe even women say this. I don’t spend a lot of time with my child, but I spend quality time with my child. Have you ever heard that? It’s a lie.

Look, have any of you ever had like really special moments in prayer where it was just really unusual? Isn’t it true that those special moments were the result of countless, countless hours that weren’t so special? Countless days that weren’t so special? You can’t plan quality time. You can’t schedule quality time. Quality time comes out of a quantity of time.

I mean, I may have spent a lot of time with my son, one of my sons, or my daughter, and do a lot of different things and everything and have conversations and everything, go eat ice cream and everything or something. And then all of a sudden, something happens, and a door opens up, and there’s a real conversation about real things that endears us and unites us together. So quality time comes out of a quantity of time.

So the first thing I would be thinking about is winning her heart. Also, teaching her. Like, just look for a moment real quick. Look at this.

2 Timothy 3:16: I have a sermon on why you should never discipline your children. Okay? I put these titles because it kind of freaks people out, and they think, I’m going to listen to this, you know.

Verse 16, ‘All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness…’

Now, most people never do this with their children. They don’t teach their children the Word of God. Really, teach them the Word of God. So the child doesn’t really know the Word. Then they do not reprove their child, which means present to them the evidence that they’re wrong. And then presenting them the evidence, they don’t correct their child. The child having falling over and disobedience. Literally, it means to set the child back up again. So then they don’t like, okay, son, instead of hitting that other boy with the toy John Deere tractor, what should we have done? Do you see?

They don’t take that step. Correction. And then they don’t train. They don’t train a child. Let me give you an example. We had just gotten in this house. This was years and years ago. It was kind of in the woodsy area and I’m sitting there studying and Ian, he is about four, I don’t know, something like that. Wow, man. And so he runs out of his bedroom, across the living room where I am, opens up the door, slams it.

‘Put the book down, Ian.’

‘Yes, dad, come here.’

‘Don’t slam the door.’

Okay.

I go sit down. Five minutes later, he comes running in. Slam. Now, is that rebellion? Is he rebelling against his father? He’s not. And this is something you need to recognize. He wasn’t rebelling. He’s a kid. He’s excited about being in the woods. He probably just saw some lizard that he could barbecue. I don’t know. Something happened. Okay. He’s excited.

So does he need to be disciplined? No. What does he need? Training. So runs into the, you know, bedroom to get a bazooka or something and comes back out.

Ian, stop.

Yes, dad.

Do you remember what I said about the door?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Once you go to the door, I want you to open it up. I don’t want to hear sound. I want you to close it. I want you to open it back up again. I want you to come in. I want you to close it. I want to hear sound. I want you to do that two more times.

Okay.

Back and forth, back and forth. And then he’s out playing. Ten minutes later, opens up door, runs in, slams the door and goes, oh, like that. And he looks at me and I go, do it again. Do it again.

You know the problem with that? It takes time, dad. You say my kids don’t know how to act in a restaurant. Put out a table. You got one in your kitchen, right? Put a meal out. Teach them how to act at a restaurant. Teach them how to act in a restaurant by teaching them how to act at home. You train them.

I teach people how to do archery, how to do primitive archery. It’s not that easy. It starts with your feet. I can give you a book on how to shoot a primitive longbow and you can read everything in there, but you’re not trained. You can’t shoot the bow. You can’t pull back the string. So then you’re going to come over after you read that book and I’m going to show you hand placement, feet placement, what you do with your eyes, what you do with your hand, where your elbows should be, where your fingers should be, everything. And then you’re going to do it hundreds of times until it’s muscle memory and a turkey runs by and you just go like that and shoot it.

Same way in fighting, you know. I was like, all right, I’m going to go beat y’all. Kung fu, Bruce Lee, everything, you know. And I was so bored because like, well, how was class? It was horrible. What did you do? I just went like this a thousand times. It was no fun at all.

And then one day you walk in and all of a sudden you see a fist go like this and you drop and, whoa, that was cool. You’re trained. You see what I’m saying? There’s training. Most people don’t train their children. What do they do? They don’t even give them a command. But when they violate something that annoys the parent, they get mad and say, you need to be disciplined. No, that’s terrible. Do you see that?

So there is a long step of things before you get to disciplining a child. And if you’re not willing to do these things, then what gives you the right to just go in there and start disciplining? So let’s go back. Look, teach them. And that’s not just teach them the Bible. Let’s teach them how to shake a man’s hand. Firm grip, look them in the eye, stand up straight. Teach them how to handle adversity. Teach them reproof, tell them when they’re wrong and give them evidence, show them why it’s wrong. Correct them. Don’t just tell them they’re wrong. Set them up and put them on the right path. This is how you should have responded. OK, and then go on training, train them in that path so that it becomes instead of muscle memory, it just becomes spiritual memory. It just becomes who they are.

So that would be my – OK, next question.

HOW DO I DISCERN IF MY CHILD IS TRULY SAVED?

MALE AUDIENCE: Yeah, this is more for parents who haven’t grown up in the church and got saved after they’ve already had children. If you have professing children from ages 6 to 12, what, last night you preached them the gospel, what would their day-to-day walk with the Lord look like for like a 6 or a 9-year-old who are just kids? So for parents, what can we look for and aid them in their daily walk?

PAUL WASHER: You mean with regard to whether they’re a Christian or not?

MALE AUDIENCE: Yeah, they’re professing Christians.

PAUL WASHER: OK, if you’re teaching your children, catechizing your children, family devotions, whatever you want to call it, you’re going to a biblical church where they’re doing more than painting pictures of Noah’s Ark. If they’re really being taught, then you’re going to have, you’re going to talk about faith in Christ and how we need to have faith in Christ. And you’re going to have your children at very young ages, most of them say things like, Daddy, I believe.

A lot of children came up last night. We were here until late. And so a child comes up to you and says, Daddy, I believe. What do you believe? I believe in Jesus. What do you believe about Jesus? I believe Jesus died for me. Are you trusting in Him? Yes, Daddy, I am. I’m trusting in Him.

OK, now, what happens in most evangelical churches? They baptize them next week, right? When my children would come up to me and say, I’m believing in Jesus. And I’d look at the promises and I’d say, OK, explain to me this promise. What does that mean? And there would be some reality. OK, what would I do? Baptize them? No. Crush them? No. You don’t look at them and say, you don’t believe, you don’t understand yet, and you’re not a Christian. No.

Here’s what I would always do. OK, you are telling me that you believe. Yes, you’re trusting. Yes. And that you have a sense in which God has saved you. Yes. Wonderful. You see that? I’m not going to crush it. Wonderful. This is extraordinary. But because it’s extraordinary and because you’re so young, here’s what my responsibility is now. You and I will just continue going on like we do. And I’m going to watch your life and you’re going to watch your life and the elders are going to watch your life because you’re so young. If you’re believing, yes, you’re a Christian and you’re saved. But because you’re so young, we’re just going to keep teaching you and watching you.

And then when there comes that day, when we all just have this, yes, confidence, the elders and others, then yes, you’ll be baptized. And it’s usually, OK, Dad, great. Do you see what I’m doing there? I’m not saying no, because I don’t know. They could be converted. God could convert a child. But to rush that child through, absolutely not. I’m going to keep studying the Bible, keep telling them to believe, keep teaching them what it is.

I’ll give you an example. My son came to me. One of my sons came to me when he was about, I don’t know, 10. And he said, Dad…

I said, what?

He goes, last night I couldn’t sleep.

Why?

He said, Dad, the presence of Christ was so real, I couldn’t sleep. I just stayed up in my bunk. It was so real. I believe God has saved me.

OK, let’s just keep studying Scripture. Wonderful, son. Thank you for telling me that. That’s amazing. That’s extraordinary. Let’s just keep studying the Scriptures and going on with the Lord.

About a year and a half later or so, I don’t exactly remember how much time it was. I’ll never forget. He’s coming up the steps to the basement. He said, Dad, can I talk to you?

I said, yeah.

He said, I’ve been reading through the Gospel of John.

OK, what have you learned?

Dad, you’re not saved because you stayed up all night, even because you had a sense that the presence of Christ was so real. You know you’re saved because you find yourself believing in Christ and trusting in Him alone.

OK.

Dad, I think I need to be baptized.

And then I hit him: Wonderful. Go talk to the elders.

What will you call them?

No.

Will you come with me?

No.

Wow, I’m popular.

That’s him calling. He must know I’m using it as an illustration. I should know. Son, you have made a profession of faith in Christ. You will go to the elders. And he went to our elders and praise God, we do have elders. And they sat down with him. They didn’t pray a prayer with him. And they didn’t ask him some little question that already had the answer in it. They met with him a couple of times.

So here’s a boy sitting there. Grown men talking to him just like they would talk to a grown man. Now, Evan, explain to us what’s going on. And after a while, Evan, they talked to me. We have all the reason to believe your son is just a genuine conversion.

Do you see that? Do you see the difference? Then, OK, let’s baptize Bobby. But also, we’re not going to crush him and say, no, we’re going to wait. But if you tell your child that this matter is so extraordinary at a young age, that you as a father have the stewardship to wait and to watch and to pray and to teach until we’re sure that Christ is formed, you usually won’t have a problem.

Next question.

HOW DO I PREVENT MY CHILD FROM BEING SELF-RIGHTEOUS?

MALE AUDIENCE: Yeah, so growing up in a non-Christian home and then you’re converted, the difference of, oh, I was a sinner and now I’m not. Or I guess I know that I was a sinner, so to speak, is very clear in there. Or at least it should be. When a child grows up in a Christian home, how do you avoid or deter from them being self-righteous? And even thinking about the question that was asked in the Q&A and that kind of.

PAUL WASHER: OK, all humans have a tendency towards self-righteousness. That’s part of our corruption. That’s a great question. Here is how you do it. By not being a self-righteous dad. By showing your children, teaching your children what the Bible says about sin, what the Bible says about their dad, what the Bible says about their mom, that Christ is the only answer. Christ is the only answer. Christ is the only answer.

Also, when you, fathers, listen to me. This is so powerful. When you sin against your child by being impatient or raising your voice in an inappropriate manner or being angry or losing control or anything, you go to your child and you either sit down in front of that child or you stand there with the child. And this is what you say. I need to talk to you. Dad is very, very sad. Why? I have sinned against you. I was impatient with you. Name the sin. I was impatient, not if I was impatient with you. Treat this as you would an adult. I have sinned against you. I was impatient with you. Please forgive me.

You know what your child is going to do. Don’t let them do this. That’s okay, dad. Now, don’t start rebuking the child. Just look at them and say, let’s say your daughter’s name is Sally. No, Sally, it’s not okay. And I really need you right now. What do you mean, dad? I need you to release me. I need you to forgive me. And to have a little daughter, and this has happened to me, hear that and put her hands like this on your shoulder and go, dad, you sinned against me. You were impatient with me. But dad, I forgive you and I love you.

You want a cure for self-righteousness? Not faking it. This is real. And no matter how many times you tell your children, they’re going to come back with, that’s okay, dad. And you’ve got to say, no, it wasn’t okay. And I need you to recognize that what your dad did wasn’t okay. And that you need to please forgive your dad. You see?

So, listen, look, if adults, if you were moving in the context of adults, and what sometimes people do is they know they sinned against somebody or they were impatient with somebody or angry with somebody. They don’t say anything. They just, the next time they meet them, they try to make up for that by being nice. That doesn’t work. It’s not biblical. Do you see that? It’s not biblical. If you do that with your husband, yeah, I just yelled at my husband, but when he comes back in the room, I’ll be nice to him. That doesn’t work. There’s a problem here. There’s a breach. Same way with your wife. It doesn’t work. It’s a breach.

But if you just walked around the way you do with your children, having sinned against them, everyone would think you were a hypocrite. Or that you were self-righteous and didn’t see your sin. Or that you were proud, wouldn’t they? All the adults would think that. Well, children are a lot smarter than what you think they are. Oh, dad talks about that, but I mean, he’s impatient when he came home, didn’t say anything. And it’s worse when they hear their dad get up on Sunday morning and teach on patience. You talk about embittering the heart.

So, they start saying, dad sins too. And my dad needs Christ. I need Christ. Guys, brokenness and humbling yourself is always the way. The Calvary Road.

Okay, next question.

MALE AUDIENCE: On a more subjective note, when you talk about cross-cultural marriages, in the interest of figuring out my blind spots, because otherwise I wouldn’t be blind. Do you see anything in Latin American culture that just needs to be put to death?

PAUL WASHER: Oh, brother, not any more than any other culture. We all come from sinful cultures. What we don’t want to do is, I’m a Midwest farm boy raised on a cattle ranch. That’s what I am. I don’t need to be anything else other than what I am, okay? But I need to be a sanctified that. My wife is from a metropolitan Latin American city, Lima, Peru. She’s also lived in Bolivia and Paraguay and Spain for a little while. And that’s who she is. And I love her. I was made for that kind of woman. I love her. All she needs is, she doesn’t need to stop being Latin. She just needs to sanctify it. And throw the chancla less.

So there’s this beauty. And that’s what I hate about what’s going on in the world. It seems like they’re trying to take away all the differences. When I got to Latin America, there were so many things that I never saw before. Like just the vibrance, the relationships, the different things that I loved. So like when I train missionaries and they talk about, what about our cultural training, our cultural sensitivity? I say, if you’re a man filled with the Holy Spirit walking humbly, bearing the fruit of the Spirit, you’re going to be all right. All we need is Latins filled with the Holy Spirit. And gringos filled with the Holy Spirit. And Russians filled with the Holy Spirit. And Africans and African Americans filled with the Holy Spirit. And Indians filled with the Holy Spirit. And it’ll take care of itself.

But never stop being what God made you to be. Never, never, never, never. My wife is still a Latin woman. And I wouldn’t want her to be anything else. And she’s growing in sanctification. That’s the same way with you.

You see, God not only made men and women different, He gave us the beauty of cultures. The beauty of everything about them. They just need to be sanctified. And that’s all. And so you grow in Christ. Are you Latin American?

MALE AUDIENCE: In my family, I have seen a tendency where the men just kind of step backwards. And then women being strong just kind of fill in.

PAUL WASHER: And for women to be strong is wonderful. But for men to step backwards and give the responsibility to women and where the women have to do all these different things, that’s wrong. But that’s in every culture to some degree. So don’t think so much about my culture. Just think about what is the standard. The standard is Jesus Christ. Now, what you don’t want to do is overreact. And I’ve seen this. Oh, my goodness.

So you got these young men who basically don’t need a wife. They need a mother. But then on the other hand, you get young men who recognize that’s wrong and they become these hyper authoritarian little Hitlers. And you don’t need that either. We need to be Christlike. And I can’t sit here and give you 20 steps to doing that. I can just say, read the Gospels, read the Gospels, read the epistles, read the Bible, read the Old Testament, New Testament. And as you do, you’re going to be conformed to that image of Christ, who is the only perfect husband of a bride. And that’s all you have to worry about.

Is there another question?

WHAT ABOUT PARENTAL AUTHORITY?

MALE AUDIENCE: Can you speak on the subject of parental authority as it would relate to an adult daughter who may not be living in the home?

PAUL WASHER: Yes. Ephesians chapter 6, verse 1, ‘Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise.’

Children, obey your parents in the Lord. I believe that there are a couple of things. We need to be very careful. But here’s some of the things I want you to consider. Children are always to honor their mother and father, even when they’re adults and out of the home. But once adults are outside of that child parent context, all right. They should seek the counsel of their mother and father. They should seek the counsel of their elders. But there’s a difference between adult child honoring their mother and father by seeking their counsel and a six year old honoring their father and mother.

The more, for example, my little child, Bronwyn, if I go across the Walmart parking lot, I’m going to hold her hand. I’m not going to hold Ian’s hand, who’s six foot five. Because as they grow, as they develop, they have to assume more and more responsibility of who they are before the Lord. My goal is not to keep my children under my authority for the rest of their life. My goal is to teach my children to be godly men and godly women. They go out and form another family group that’s apart from me.

Now, I do believe, even when I was an adult, I would honor my mother who was still living and I would ask her counsel on things, even as an adult. But I’m an adult. I’m a man. I’m outside of the house. I’m making my own living. I’m doing what I’m doing. My mother’s not going to come to me and say, you can’t buy that car. My mother can’t come to me and say, you can’t marry that girl. Nor could my dad. Unless the girl is outside of the parameters of what’s required for a Christian to marry, then they can speak with authority.

You see, the more a child is immature, the parents must teach them the Word of God and in some sense mold their conscience and be over them with commands. But when that child leaves the home, the child should honor their parents. But that doesn’t mean they’re always going to obey their parents.

Let me give you an example, an illustration I used the other day, actually, in a sermon that I had to do for Spain. Let’s say there’s an adult girl. She’s a Christian. She’s 25 and her parents are Christians. And she sees this young man who is either an unbeliever or very immature. And she wants to go out with him.

Now, she’s an adult. She’s living outside of the home. The parents have the authority of Scripture to tell her no. They can’t enforce it. They can’t put her in jail. They can’t. But they have the biblical authority to say no. Why? Unequally yoked. The elders have the authority to tell her no. Why? Unequally yoked. Why? She’s in direct violation of a biblical command.

But, and ladies, you will appreciate this, saying, oh, if only this would happen to me. So this young lady, she’s a Christian. Her parents are Christian. And there are three different young men vying for her attention. All three of them are the most handsome man you’ve ever seen. All three of them have the spirituality of the Apostle Paul. And all three of them are multi-millionaires. And she’s got to make a choice.

Now, you know, I’m kidding. But all these young men are godly. No one, including the elders or anyone, has the authority to say, you should marry this one. That’s insane. Now, they can give counsel. But they have no authority over her conscience, because she’s not violating any command there. Okay?

Now, but also, I would tell the young lady or the young man in the same instance, although there is no binding authority, you’re not violating Scripture by marrying any one of these three persons. If the elders and your parents and everyone else gives counsel that’s unified, that is contrary to your counsel, or contrary to what you want to do, it doesn’t mean you have to do what they’re saying. But it would be, for a wise person, a yellow flag to maybe hold back. Why are the authorities in my life, even though I’m an adult, saying this way instead of that way?

But I have literally seen cases where there were adult children who their parents still believed they held reign over them in matters of conscience and would demand. I don’t think that’s what the Bible’s teaching. And one of the things my wife… My wife loves our children. She loves them. But she’s so… She goes, these mothers, you know, they’re all sad. Their little boy’s leaving the home and everything like that. She goes, they just need a high five in the face with a chair. She goes, this is what we’re preparing them for. We want to rejoice when our young men leave our homes and find a young lady. We’re rejoicing in that. Yes, there’s a little bittersweet in it, but this is the reason we’re mothers.

WHAT ABOUT A HUSBAND WHO NEGLECTS HIS WIFE?

You know, Mom, are you going to be sad when I leave? No, I got a sewing room when you leave. You know, of course, just joking. Oh, let me share with you something. This is really important. Are there seatbelts on those chairs? A husband neglects his wife for years, but the wife has a son. And so what happens is this. All the affection, assurance, love, comfort, intimacy that she’s not getting from her husband, her world becomes her son. Her husband does nothing. I mean, dead fish. She gets nothing from him. So all her affections and joy, life and love, it’s this little boy. Then the little boy grows up. A godly girl comes into his life. And the mother hates her. Can’t stand her. Why? Because that girl just stole her substitute husband. That girl’s not good enough for my boy. How dare she come in here and take my son? You see how twisted that is?

You say, yeah, that woman’s got a problem. Yeah, and her problem’s her husband. He neglected her. She found affection not in another man. She didn’t commit adultery, but in her children. And oh, anybody take her children away from her. She’ll suffocate her children. Do you see what I’m saying? Have you seen it? Some of you’ve probably done it.

Your wife should not be dependent upon your children, her children, for everything she’s supposed to do. She’s supposed to be receiving from her man. So if you’ve ever wondered why some mother-in-laws have such a reputation, this is part of it. And why a young lady, who can just be a normal young lady, immature, but a good girl and loves the boy, is treated so poorly. Some of you are getting real quiet. But it all begins with what? She was looking for affection.

She didn’t get it from her husband. She was too moral to get it from another man. And unknowingly, even for her, she was getting it from her children. And children aren’t made for that. They’re not made to sustain that. They’re not made to carry that burden at all. Do you see?

So, gentlemen, you know how this thing of train of sin, train one thing leads to another, to another, to another, to another? Well, I just showed you, didn’t I? Now, who does it trace back to? Has the woman sinned? Yeah. But let’s keep going. The man has sinned. He’s neglected his wife.

Gentlemen, there is a real problem. I know it because I have a solid, trustworthy wife. There’s a real problem with having a solid, trustworthy wife. She doesn’t need anything, you think. And yet she’s screaming inside. And, ladies, let me tell you something. Your husband is not as, what would you say? He’s not a trunk of wood like you think. He’s sitting there a lot of times going, you’re sitting there going, if only he would love me, if only he would open doors for me, if only he would speak with me tenderly, if only he would just let me talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. If only he would do that.

And your husband’s sitting there, if only she honored me, if she only respected me. I mean, I work every day. That was my wife. I’m in trouble now. He’s sitting there, I work hard every day with a bunch of bad men. It’s evil. It’s a hard world. I’m tired. It’s only, I felt like, do you see what’s going on? Yeah, you’re both being insensitive. You’re both not recognizing, and you’re both embittering each other. You see?

And so, men also, men want respect. Women want love. And that doesn’t mean women don’t want love. And that doesn’t mean women don’t want respect, and men don’t want love. But if you had to pinpoint those things, there’s where you need to go. There’s where you need to go.

Okay, another question? Okay, I’ll answer this, and…

HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN JOY IN THE HOME?

FEMALE AUDIENCE: This might be a big one. Could you talk about some, or about maintaining joy in the home when you have constant demands and negativity in the household from unconverted children? Do you have any practical advice?

PAUL WASHER: What was that again? That was a big one.

FEMALE AUDIENCE: Can you talk about maintaining joy in the home when you have constant demands and negativity from unconverted children? Do you have any practical advice to give?

PAUL WASHER: The first practical advice was, this is where Dad steps in. You see? This is where Dad steps in. And when I know that my boys have been a handful, when I know my boys have been a handful, and it doesn’t have to be more, they’ve grown up, they’re a joy. When they were young, fighting, everything that they would do, just, and my wife, I’d get home and it’s frazzled. Boys, let’s go down to the basement. I do the same thing with my daughter, just differently a little bit, but boys, let’s go down to the basement.

What would Dad do to another man who hurts his wife? What would Dad do to another man who’s making his wife’s life miserable. Well, Dad, you wouldn’t allow it. Exactly. I come home, your mom’s in there crying, and you did it. Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the easy way, because for me, both ways are easy. I got that saying from my wife. I thought it was so cool.

And I look at them, and I mean, I’m angry. I’m controlled. But I want them to know I’m mad. You need to realize something, boys. She is the apple of my eye. She is the apple of my eye. This will not happen again. I don’t care if you’re three. I don’t care if you’re 30. You will not do this, because that woman is my woman. It’s my wife. And I will defend her even from you. Do you understand me?

Yes, Dad.

Do you understand me?

Yes, Dad.

With my daughter, speech will be a little bit different, but she needs to be tough, because I’m going to say tough things to her. Dad needs to step in and go, look, you want to mess with somebody, bring it on. But you don’t mess with her. If I come home and she’s distraught, and she’s hurting and everything else, I’m the one you have to deal with.

Now, there are guys here tougher than me, more man than me, everything else. And I recognize that. I’ve seen some of you pretty big boys. But we forget, don’t we? If a man walked into your house, and you came home and your wife was crying, I guess I’d buy him flowers. You would hurt him. You’d stop him. You’d do everything in your power. But we’ve got to think that way with everybody. We’re not going to go, you know, hit our children. We’re not going to do that. But this is where… Did you know that there are times to be angry and sin not? My boys have seen that out of their dad. You’re not going to do this, no.

But then, be very, very careful. Don’t let them be justified in saying, but dad, you do it. Dad, you make her miserable. Dad, she’s cried with you. You see? But man, it’s all about the children. It’s all about the children. No, a man should say, it’s all about my wife. I love my children. I’ll die for them, but it’s all about my wife. A wife should say, no, no, no, no. Like, the boys would get mad and say, you know, dad, this, this, this. You go, that’s enough.

Because if you want to know who I’m standing with, I’m standing with your dad. Do you see that? This is so important. And many of you guys probably never even thought of that. And a lot of things that I’m telling you, don’t think, oh gosh, Paul discovered all this. No, I was very fortunate to have very godly men help me and tell me a lot of the things I’m telling you. You see?

But these are things that the man, there’s no way to stop this except through the father. Because a mother should not be put in the position of being her own defender in this situation. The dad should step in. I love you children. I’ll die for you. But you’re not going to hurt your mom. It’s not going to happen in this house. And I love you. But it’s not going to happen here. And that’s very, very important.

Now, don’t get all, you know, in their face and acting. But just let them know. It’s not going to happen. Okay?

And that’s the way you handle it.

All right, I’m finished my four minutes, okay? All right. God bless you.

For Further Reading:

Mankind in Sin: Paul Washer Sermon (Transcript)

A Young Man’s Attitude Towards Women (Biblical Manhood Part 3): Paul Washer (Transcript)

Are You Ready for a Relationship? (Biblical Manhood Part 2): Paul Washer (Transcript)

(Through The Bible) – Book of Proverbs: Zac Poonen (Transcript)

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