Read the full transcript of Holly Smithson’s talk titled “How To Uncage The Confidence Within” at TEDxSanDiegoWomen 2024 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Journey of Uncaged Confidence
HOLLY SMITHSON: Whew! You know, for as long as I can remember, confidence has been my co-pilot. And if you knew some of the stunts that I pulled off, one might say I had uncaged confidence.
You see, as a little Navy brat, I grew up on military bases across a variety of states and countries, and as a young professional, I lived in Washington, DC, where I worked as a presidential appointee until I walked away from that six-figure job just to pursue a romance overseas with a snarky Englishman by the name of James Anthony Woo. And not soon after, and I do mean so, I hope to U-turn back to America to explore this place called California Dreaming.
And in each one of those choices, I took considerable risks against these unknowns: my financial security, my physical safety, and my open heart. And you know what? I was experiencing life, meeting me precisely at my level of confidence. And the more I practiced it, the more riveting life had become.
The Crushing Blow
But what happened next would actually crush that confidence in profound fashion. And in the face of a life-threatening challenge, my confidence took her last breath against a story that I made up, a story of sabotage that would, in effect, become my cage.
When Doctor Mitchell called me that Tuesday to tell me that I had breast cancer, my mojo, she took off like a thief in the night. Yeah. This was an invitation to look death intimately in the eyes and examine my life differently. And in that moment, I could either stand in my confidence and explore what cancer came to teach me, or I could stay locked in a cage.
The Power of Choice
You and I, we face countless decisions every day, and some are easy and some are difficult.
But in each case, confidence is a choice. She is grounded in our core values, and she is a practice available to us all. So we either get to meet life with confidence, we get to do that, or we allow these stories of lack and limitation to put us on lockdown and in prison.
In my cage, I locked that door behind me and I fixated on this narrative that cancer came to kill. And I’ll tell you, initially I did try to flush that stinking thinking, as I reasoned: “Wait a minute. That story can’t be true. I’m in the prime of my life. I’m physically fit according to my favorite jeans. And I’m living my purpose as the CEO of a women’s global leadership lab.” I mean, come on, how can cancer up and alive packed with such potential?
The Learning Journey
Still, I hibernated in that cage like a bear in the woods for the next year, and I would go on to consume volumes of books and podcasts on how chronic disease may be impacted by stress and all of that stuck energy of those repressed stories dying to be released. And it turns out cancer taught me that I had crushed my confidence in crucial areas.
But what I forgot in that awfully dark chapter is that life doesn’t happen to us. It happens for us. All of it. So whatever your cancer equivalent may be, your company folds, you survive domestic violence, or you even lose a precious child. All struggles are invitations for our highest growth, and I would not be on this stage if it weren’t for that cancer detour.
The Three Keys to Uncaged Confidence
And it turns out cancer taught me I needed to find the gifts in my diagnoses, and I did. But I got to warn you, never underestimate the power of your story. Mine tried to convince me I was powerless. But what’s different now is that I choose confidence with most of the awareness that she is always a choice.
And for those of you that aren’t choosing confidence, I got an invitation for you. I want you to pour gasoline on all of those stories that caused you to forget your power too. I sure did, and this is how I did it.
So once uncaged, your confidence with these three keys and I will tell you. You hold that master key. When you master the awareness of the power to choose and listen. You and I are never going to tame the jungle out there. Ain’t gonna happen. Only the monkey mind upstairs.
And so, when facing your next challenge, I want you to ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” rather than “Why me?” And I’m telling you, in this very subtle shift, when you grasp the why, it actually strips your power. But when we choose, what is it that connects? And this is how I engage my confidence, and I operate with a sense of freedom that I value above all else.
Okay, so the second key is doing it in service of your core values. And I am going to beg you right now on Candid Camera. Please take the time to understand your core values, because as you practice confidence grounded in those, your power will follow. Because in the classroom called life, right? Confidence is your instructor. And those core values, they actually override those stories.
You see, when I shifted from a victim of cancer and I greeted her as the teacher she is, I am in service of my core values of personal growth and self-mastery. And this is how I uncage my confidence.
The Practice of Confidence
All right. So the next question is, “All right Holly. So I’m going to be choosing confidence at every chance. But how do I choose confidence in a world that pumps out as much fear and doubt as it did in your TED talk before 500 Moxie Women?”
Well, the third key requires a recognition that confidence is not a fixed trait. She is an attitude that you practice, repeat and rehearse and confidence comes from you by doing it. How? Even going off the rails, I sure did. This is how we grow.
And let’s also delete this really silly myth that in order to be confident that you have to be fearless. Because that, my friends, is utter rubbish. True confidence learns to dance with fear and knows the two coexist. And on the other side of every fear bomb is a spectacular invitation for purpose, and I submit as evidence: Exhibit A.
Now, look, I am on this stage and I am up here. I am spreading my passion around the world. I want everyone to know how to uncage their confidence. But I submit that confidence is not in some of us. She is in all of us. And as you choose confidence as your co-pilot too, the more you begin to realize that you have had that power all along. Thank you.
