Read the full transcript of accomplished mediator Shannon Pearson’s talk titled “The Secret To Conflict Resolution” at TEDxSurrey 2025 conference.
The Origin of My Fear
SHANNON PEARSON: Imagine a little girl and boy standing side by side. Something serious has happened, and their father explained it like this. “Okay, your mother has left. She’s gone. And I don’t want to hear a word about it because you two are going to be fine. You’ll have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food on the table. Out there, in the real world, nobody cares. I love you, but out there, nobody cares, and the sooner you two realize that, the better off you’ll be.”
I was eight and my brother was ten. Our childhood was loving, but it became unsettled as our family split up. My story is not uncommon, or the worst out there. We did have food, clothing, and shelter, and in fact, that story has a very happy ending. We became a blended family and we’re all connected. Don’t get me wrong, as a teenager, I thought I had way too many parents. But what started as conflict became something I appreciate and am grateful for.
But before I was grateful, I formed a belief about conflict. I believed it was scary, it hurt, and that people leave. Naturally, I did everything I could to avoid it. I became masterful at accommodating anything to keep conflict from even getting a foothold. The problem with that is when you spend your time accommodating others, you don’t develop a sense of what you’re willing to fight for. And the irony of avoiding conflict is we create more of it.
Learning to Embrace Conflict
This pattern continued, and after years of avoidance, I realized that fear, hurt, and loss, well, they happen even without conflict.
So if avoiding it doesn’t really achieve anything, maybe embracing it could. And that was the beginning of so many awkward moments on a very steep learning curve as I learned how to resolve conflict.
It is a skill that can be learned, but there are two things that make a big difference: courage and humility. We need courage to step away from our own convictions to become curious. Then, with humility, we can be open to other perspectives. That balance is delicate, and it’s how we find common ground, a chance to collaborate and connect.
Simple, but not easy, because conflict is everywhere. It doesn’t just show up loud and abrasive. No, it can be quiet, and it’ll sneak up as rude remarks or passive-aggressive comments. It’ll catch you off guard. And you might dodge it, but dodging doesn’t work for long.
The Dodgeball Analogy
Dodging doesn’t even work when you play dodgeball. You know the game dodgeball, where two teams face off, they chuck balls at each other? Or you throw a ball, hoping to hit somebody on the opposite team and knock them out of the game. If you’re cautious, you’re probably slow, but the entire strategy is to move fast and strike first.
Have you ever considered the similarity between how we play dodgeball and how we engage in conflict? When conflict appears, we’re usually protecting or defending something. Maybe it’s an idea or a decision that we’ve made. Our instincts take over, and we’re influenced by internal response systems. Some are hardwired to protect us, and some are the emotions that you probably didn’t invite, but they will show up every time.
We react from fight, flight, or freeze responses, mixed with emotion. We blend it all together, and then we chuck it at each other, just like dodgeball. And then we respond in a few ways. We either catch it and put our own spin on it and chuck it back, or dodge it, avoiding those uncomfortable conversations until we know we can land a perfect shot. Or if you’re an avoider, just leave. Walk away. Call it taking the high road.
Conflict is an outcome, so when we just pass it back and forth, we don’t learn what problem needs solving. What is being protected or defended, and how was it threatened? Shouldn’t we learn what’s being fought for before we respond?
A Lesson in Understanding
I’ve worked for years in operational environments. Usually it’s to help with things like communication and culture. By the way, employees don’t like that. They get a little suspicious, and then they give you nicknames like “Dragon,” or the “Fun Police.” I like Dragon, though, that one was good.
Some of the most difficult situations I’ve faced have taught me the most valuable lessons about how to respond to conflict. Once I was working as an HR manager in a production plant, and I received complaints about someone being verbally abusive. To put it mildly, a worker named Catherine was telling people where to go and how to get there.
I invited Catherine to my office, prepared to issue discipline, and warned her that if her conduct didn’t change, she would be fired. But before she arrived, someone walking past my office casually mentioned that Catherine hadn’t been the same since last year.
As she walked down the hall and continued on with her day, Catherine appeared in my doorway. I invited her in to sit across from me, where she sat with her arms crossed and without expression. I asked, “What’s going on?” She stared at me. I asked again and was met with more silence. So I said, “Catherine, you’re the only person being accused of verbally attacking other workers. There must be a reason.”
With no expression, she said, “I don’t know if you know this, but my son died last year.”
In the previous year, Catherine’s son had tragically passed away, and she was dealing with all the legal aftermath. This was not an employee sitting across from me. This was a mom. This was a mother who buried her adult son, and she was drowning in grief. She didn’t need ultimatums. She needed understanding and connection.
Finding a Solution Through Connection
We made an agreement where if her grief took over, she had the option to leave her shift. I asked for her understanding that as a unionized environment, discipline had to be issued. Otherwise, we’re going to have 119 other workers that are telling each other off, and, well, that just gets really hard to manage. She also snickered at the idea of that, but she gracefully signed her discipline.
Not everyone was happy. The leadership team didn’t like the arrangement because it’s hard enough, understandably, to run a production schedule without people just leaving their shift. The union thought it was a great idea, though, so that was helpful.
Over the coming weeks, Catherine taught us something valuable. Even though she had the option to leave, she didn’t. She never left. I’ve spoken to her since then, and I asked, what made her stay? And she explained, “It wouldn’t have changed anything. Anthony would still be gone, and I would have let my team down, so I really didn’t see the point.”
The Secret to Conflict Resolution
We are so cautious to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable that we spend more time dissecting each other’s behavior instead of learning what’s driving the behavior. When the spark of conflict ignites, that is the moment to connect to each other, not the conflict. Lean into it. It’s not something to dodge or avoid. It’s something to understand.
And you can do that with two steps. The first is step away. Not from the conflict. Step away from what’s familiar. Have the courage to be curious and learn what’s being protected or defended. And second, listen. Listen for what is being fought for. It is not always obvious, but it’s there. And each of us has the responsibility and the opportunity to listen for it.
Conflict is not something you win. If you want to win something, try dodgeball. If you want to connect, embrace conflict. It will be the greatest gift that you can give to yourselves and to each other.
Thank you.
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