Full transcript of psychology professor Michael Steger’s talk: What Makes Life Meaningful at TEDxCSU conference. To learn more about the speaker, read the bio here.
Michael Steger – Professor of Psychology
I need to start with a confession. I learned almost everything I know about life from John Cusack movies from the 1980s. And in these movies the hero just through the sheer force of trying to be a good guy and speaking from the heart wins true love in the end and the widespread admiration of all.
I tried to put this plan into effect – this John Cusack plan – and most importantly came when I met this amazing woman in college, and I fell head over heels almost instantly and nearly as instantly when John Cusack and declared my undying love.
The John Cusack plan took about four years to work in my case but you know, John Cusack also teaches us to be persistent, right? Not creepy but persistent.
And so it got serious pretty quickly, moved from Minnesota out to Oregon together about three years later we’re on a beach in Manzanita, Oregon, leaning back against a weathered driftwood log sitting in the cool dry sand, the Pacific surf had kicked up a haze around us. And in my pocket I had this this contraption I built out of some shells I brought back from a road trip to Baja, Mexico and using tape and glue and the cotton ball, I had — don’t laugh this is serious — I had created this little nestling thing for this diamond ring I brought.
But I realized it’s going to be a little strange if at a beach I pulled a shell out of my pocket. So I need a cover story and I said I’m going to go spelunking and see what’s going on.
And so I got up and I left and she looked at me like many of you are, like this makes no sense but I didn’t care, because I was on a mission. And so I looked at the — I tested the contraption out, it was working. I had my crib sheet of this passionate speech I’ve written and I said I’ve got this.
I looked around, I tried to memorize every sensation I was experiencing at the time, and I walked back. And I said, hey, honey, look what I got, and she was… oh that’s nice.
So I said now look it opens and closes, because that’s what you say when you find a shell, right?
So she takes it, she looks inside, and there’s the ring. She looks at me. I’m on my knees and I launch into about 92% of my prepared remarks and conclude with, will you marry me? And she looks at me, and she says, beep, I don’t know.
So this was a surprising answer and I’ve thought about this moment many times in my life since then. And I think it’s really an interesting response in a lot of ways, because I was asking something pretty huge. I was saying can you turn your life into our life? And I was asking for the most precious thing that she has, that any of us have, that weeks, the years, the days that we’ve been given.
Life is our moments. We have an unknowable number of moments. All we know is that once we spend them we can never get them back and we can never get more. And I was asking for dibs on all of her moments. That’s a serious thing.
And another thing that was going on around the same time, first of all, John Cusack thanks for ruining my life.
Second, around the same time there was a popular T-shirt and had this spirally galaxy looking thing, and an arrow said you are here and I love this — I love this image, because we are this little speck of dust in the middle of the abyss. We are ourselves, a tiny speck of dust. We live on a speck of dust in the middle of oblivion of nothingness.
And it’s actually worse than that, right, if you think about it, because if you look at images from space we only live on the outer crust of a speck of dust, like the shell of a robin’s egg. That’s where life is for us. It’s incredibly, almost unfathomably fragile and precious.
And in that life we have all these moments that we’ve been given and we have to make those moments matter. You’re going to meet a lot of people today who go right to the edge of oblivion. They go to the fragility of existence and it yawns and further may be out of a door of an airplane, maybe down the sheer face of a mountainside, the jaws of a shark.