Why Moms Are Miserable: Sheryl Ziegler (Transcript)

Here is the full transcript and summary of Sheryl Ziegler’s talk titled “Why Moms Are Miserable” at TEDxWilmingtonWomen conference.

In this talk, author Sheryl Ziegler discusses the issues of loneliness and lack of fulfillment among mothers, highlighting that these feelings are still prevalent today. She emphasizes the importance of meaningful human connections and the negative impact of social isolation on women’s well-being. Ziegler urges mothers to prioritize spending time with female friends, make new connections, and build a supportive community to combat this problem.

Listen to the audio version here:

TRANSCRIPT:

About a year ago, as I was finishing my research on motherhood, I came across “The Feminine Mystique,” written by Betty Friedan in 1963. The title of the first chapter is “The Problem That Has No Name.” As I read through the pages, I felt my heart bursting. I thought to myself, “Every mom needs to know what’s in these pages.”

It helps give meaning to where moms were back then and where we still are today. Betty Friedan was able to interview these mothers who shared with her that they felt unfulfilled, alone, and ashamed to admit that they felt lost in the midst of motherhood. She called this “The Problem That Has No Name.” The spread into suburbia, with its green lawns and large corner lots, was isolating for moms.

Their worries over smallpox and polio were replaced by depression and alcoholism. Drug remedies, such as “Mother’s Little Helper,” promised relief from boredom, unhappiness, and anxiety. Sure, we’ve come a long way since the 1950s, but the feeling of loneliness and lack of fulfillment is still the same today. In my practice as a child and family therapist, I have heard a familiar story over and over.

Mothers who feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and lonely in their lives. I knew that I could relate to feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, but I didn’t think that loneliness applied to me, or did it? I thought to myself, “I’m still best friends with people from childhood. I have a loving and supportive husband.”

Personal Realization

I volunteer in my kids’ schools and in our community. My calendar is booked with dinners and parties. So I thought I was doing okay, until one day something happened that changed all of that. A few years ago, after being in excruciating pain for two days, I drove myself to the ER.

Once I was examined, I was immediately admitted into a private room where I turned the TV on and settled in for what I figured was going to be a long night. Despite the fact that I was in a lot of pain, I was actually quite content. I was laying in one of those reclining hospital beds. I had nurses coming in and checking on me.

I had a warm hospital blanket on, and I was watching Sunday night football. I had no kids to put down, no dishes to unload, and no laundry to fold. It was just me, alone, in a room. And then I had a lightbulb moment.

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I thought, “Oh, I’ve heard about this before, this is what people are talking about.” I was having a hospital fantasy, a real-life hospital fantasy, and it felt really good. But after I found out that I was having a kidney stone attack, the novelty did wear off. And I thought to myself, “Besides my family, who could I call?”

The Realization of Disconnection

Who could I call right now to simply say, “I’m in the hospital, I don’t need anything from you, no meals, no driving kids around, I just thought that you’d want to know.” And in that moment, I realized that I was just as disconnected from my community as the mothers I see in my practice. I had gotten so busy doing what all of us do. I moved around, raising kids, and advancing my career.

I was living my life in 60-minute increments, going from school to soccer, home, and back to work. I was feeling lonely, and I didn’t even know it. Fifty years later, the problem that has no name is still with us. It shows itself differently, but it’s still the same problem.

Today, we have the rabbit hole of social media that shows what all the other mommies are doing better than us. If we’re a working mom, we feel guilty. And if we’re a stay-at-home mom, we feel judged. We second-guess and stress over all the parenting decisions that we make, and all too often, we feel like failures and frauds.

The Modern Challenges of Motherhood

Got it. Somewhere in our frantic and over-scheduled lives, we might have a husband with all of his needs and demands as well. Most of us, somehow, manage to maintain a career. Back in the 50s and 60s, mothers thought if only they could have a career, life would be good.

And earning our own money and having our own careers have been good, but the problem that has no name remains. “If you’re relating to any of this, you are not alone,” I started researching and asking the tough questions. I found that since the 1970s, women have been reporting less life satisfaction than men.

I asked myself, “Why is this?” As I dug deep, one thing became clear. Women need closeness with other human beings every day. And this is not the same as casual connections.

The Importance of Human Connection

We are spending upwards of 30 hours a week online, with at least one hour a day on Facebook. Yet I found that over the past 40 years, our friendship networks have shrunk. We move around on average 11 times throughout our lifetime, and shuttling kids around has caused moms to spend more time in their cars rather than socializing with others. And did you know that social isolation is hazardous to our physical health as well?

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One university study showed that patients were 50% more likely to survive disease if they had close friendships. And social isolation and the feeling of loneliness is a major health issue that increases your risk of death more so than smoking or obesity.

So what do we do? Do we say that this is the problem that has no name and therefore has no solution?

I don’t think so. In researching this topic over the last several years, I’ve come to think that if each one of the clients that I see in my practice had a best friend, my practice might be cut in half. So I decided to spend some of those hours that were online with a female friend instead. As I’ve shared with you today, I wasn’t immune either.

Creating Solutions Through Friendship

So now I reach out to others more. And even when I’m tired and I don’t want to go out, I still meet that friend out. And we share our stories because collective stories create community. And I’ve banned being busy.

I won’t let busy build walls that keep me apart from other people. Together, in our small towns or our large cities, we need to be a part of eliminating this problem. So let’s start by calling a friend anytime. And when we kiss our kids goodnight and we’re tired, let’s still call a friend, even if just to say, “How was your day?”

Let’s get together with a friend, reach out to an old friend, make a new friend, resolve issues with people from the past. As I think about the importance of friendship for all of us, and especially in my own life, I’m reminded of this beautiful line said by Susan Sarandon in the movie “Shall We Dance?” It goes something like, “We all need a witness. There are a billion people on the planet.”

So what does any one life really mean? When you have a close friend, you’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.’ Moms of all ages and all stages, this problem has been around for at least 50 years.

And it’s up to each and every one of us to make sure it’s not around for the next 50 years. Thank you.

SUMMARY OF THIS TALK:

Sheryl Ziegler’s talk, titled “Why Moms Are Miserable,” delves into the enduring challenges and feelings of isolation experienced by mothers, a theme as relevant today as it was in the past. Here are the key takeaway points from her talk:

Historical Context of Motherhood Challenges: Ziegler begins by referencing Betty Ferdinand’s 1963 book “The Feminine Mystique,” which coined “The Problem That Has No Name” to describe the unfulfilled feelings of mothers. This historical perspective sets the stage for discussing the continued relevance of these issues.
Modern Motherhood’s Isolation: Despite advancements since the 1950s, Ziegler notes that feelings of loneliness and unfulfillment among mothers persist. She describes how modern suburbia, with its physical separations, and the advent of social media have contributed to a sense of isolation and comparison among mothers.
Personal Revelation of Loneliness: Through a personal anecdote of being hospitalized and realizing her own isolation, Ziegler highlights how even seemingly connected individuals can feel lonely. This realization led her to understand the deeper issues faced by the mothers in her therapy practice.
The Impact of Social Media and Modern Life: Ziegler discusses the added pressures from social media, where mothers constantly compare themselves to others. She also touches on the guilt and judgment faced by both working and stay-at-home moms, exacerbating feelings of inadequacy and failure.
The Role of Friendship and Community: A significant part of her talk focuses on the importance of real human connections. Ziegler emphasizes that casual online interactions are not a substitute for deep, meaningful relationships. She notes the shrinking size of friendship networks over the years and advocates for the critical role of close friendships in enhancing life satisfaction and even physical health.
Actionable Solutions: Ziegler encourages mothers to actively seek and nurture friendships. She suggests reaching out to friends, resolving past issues, and making new connections. By sharing stories and experiences with friends, mothers can create a sense of community and support.
The Power of Witnessing Each Other’s Lives: Drawing inspiration from a quote by Susan Sarandon in the movie “Shall We Dance,” Ziegler underlines the importance of having someone to witness and validate one’s life experiences. This, she argues, is particularly crucial for mothers who often feel unseen and unheard in their daily struggles.
Call to Action: Ziegler concludes with a call to action, urging mothers to break the cycle of isolation and misery by fostering friendships and community connections. She emphasizes the collective responsibility to ensure that the problem of maternal loneliness and misery does not persist for future generations.

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Overall, Ziegler’s talk sheds light on the enduring challenges of motherhood, highlighting the need for genuine connections and community support to combat the deep-seated feelings of loneliness and unfulfillment.