Why People Pleasing Is Hurting You: Salma Hindy (Transcript)

Read the full transcript of award-winning Toronto-based engineer-turned-stand-up comedian Salma Hindy’s talk titled “Why People Pleasing Is Hurting You” at TEDxUofT 2019 conference.

Listen to the audio version here:

TRANSCRIPT:

The People-Pleaser’s Dilemma

SALMA HINDY: I want you all to picture your average joe but for the sake of feminism, her name is Joanne. She’s sitting at her couch on a weekday night and she gets a text from her coworker. “Hey Joanne, do you mind covering my shift this Saturday night?” At the same time, her neighbor knocks at her door. “Hey Joanne, I’m going to be going on vacation next week. Do you mind watching my dog?” And then her roommate walks in and is like, “Joanne, can I just grab your charger?”

“Sure,” Joanne says as she looks down at her phone that’s only 10%. “Thanks, Joanne. We can always count on you.”

Joanne is a typical example of a people pleaser. A people pleaser is one of the nicest, most helpful people you know. They have a hard time saying no and you can always count on them for favors. In fact, they spend the majority of their time doing things for other people.

So far, this sounds like a good thing. But unfortunately, this can lead to a pattern of unhealthy behaviors. At one point in time, each of us has been a Joanne. Each of us has agreed to do something that we weren’t thrilled or ready to do, and yet we still said yes. Why is that?

Well, many people use people pleasing in the same way others use drugs, alcohol, food, shopping as a way to avoid the disapproval or the discomfort of the disapproval of others.

But oftentimes, when we talk about people pleasing, we refer to it in a very shallow superficial context, like I did with Joanne’s story.

Rarely do we ever stop to think that people pleasing can happen at a much deeper level and can actually play out in problematic ways in our lives that we’re not even aware of.

A Personal Journey

Take my life for example. I grew up in a strict household, and by grew up, I mean I still live there because I’m single. I’m 27 and single, which to my mother means that I’m old enough to be a mother of 3, but I’m too young to be allowed to stay out past 10 PM. So, I’m an engineer but I’m still trying to do their math.

Growing up in a very strict Muslim family and community, we grew up on this notion that our lives are on hold and will only begin when we get married, or when you’re of no longer any interest to your parents. But until then, they pretty much make all the decisions for you. And, and we have no problem with that. Most of us have no problem going along with our parents’ decisions for us.

However, this is where codependency is born. Codependency is defined as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a loved one. It is unconscious so you don’t even realize it’s happening, where you’re developing this emotional crutch on a loved one. And the problem with codependency is that it often gives myself and a lot of us the excuse not to live, or to live life in a more passive state, and to not take responsibility for our decisions because we don’t trust ourselves. And this can lead to more problematic things in the future.

The Role of Comedy

And we are conditioned into this behavior from a very young age. So growing up, I went to an Islamic school and they had limited resources. You couldn’t really do much. It was segregated, especially if you were a girl because the guys would just like take over the gym every day during lunch. So in an attempt to entertain each other and not die of boredom, my girlfriends and I started to put on comedy sketches and storytelling.

And so since then, I would say comedy became an integral part of my personality. And then later, when I went to university and I started to do one of the most brutal programs, engineering, humor became – Yes. We got some engineers. Humor became, honestly, a survival mechanism. It was something that I could use to create allies easily and then power through some of the most difficult years of our lives.

I still remember how intense our semesters used to be. We would spend hours, pull all-nighters in labs pouring our blood, sweat, and tears into our work, preparing, studying for our exams. And I remember the day after when we would get our exams back and we would feel so relieved. And it was so fulfilling knowing that you put in all that work and that you knew you were proud of yourself. You knew that you deserved each and every single mark of the 54% you got back.

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That was – And as a marginalized woman, I could use comedy to build trust. Kind of like what I’m doing right now. Because oftentimes when people see me, they have their guard up and they’re like, does she even English? But then, when I crack a joke they’re like, okay. She’s not too bad.

And it helps lighten the mood in an otherwise tense environment. So to a lot of people, it wasn’t a surprise when 2 years ago, during my masters in engineering, I decided to do stand-up comedy. Yep. And, this was also my parents’ reaction.

The Secret Comedian

But when I first started stand-up, I decided to keep it hidden from my family because I myself didn’t know what it was and I wanted to give myself the space to be able to explore this aspect of my creative identity without having to worry about the worry of others.

True story. When I first started stand-up, I took a class at Second City Toronto and we were going around the table and everyone had to introduce themselves and say why they were taking the course. So the guy next to me goes, “My mom actually bought me this course for Christmas otherwise I wouldn’t be here.” And then the girl next to him goes, “Oh my god. My mom bought me this course for Christmas too. That’s crazy.” And then everyone looks at me and I was like, “Well, my mom definitely didn’t buy me this course for Christmas. In fact, she has absolutely no idea where I am. I told her and my dad that I was taking a night class but I didn’t say at which school.”

The first time my family found out that I was doing stand-up was when I posted it on social media. I, yes, probably not the smartest thing to do in hindsight. I recorded a podcast with 2 friends and, they had seen my first ever performance and in that podcast I was discussing comedy and my future plans. The thumbnail of the podcast was me and the 2 hosts. My father who is a strict conservative imam and who also happens to be my Facebook friend, saw it at the same time as everyone else. I remember the next day I was in the kitchen and I heard him upstairs.

He was like, I was like, oh man, I think this is it. And he’s like, storming down the stairs and he’s like, And I’m like, okay. You know what? Like, you’ve been preparing for this for the past 2 months. It’s finally about to happen.

He’s like, “How could you-” And I’m like, I’m ready. He’s like, “How could you take a picture with 2 boys?” I was like, phew. But also, what do you think engineering was? Like, I was the only girl.

The Struggle for Acceptance

After that, yeah, it was definitely a surprise but he – it hadn’t hit him then and when it really hit him later, he was devastated. And what ensued was a series of non-stop arguments, debates, and endless people pleasing. I attempted over and over and over again to convince him and my mom and other community members. I couldn’t deal with the anxiety that those I loved most were unhappy with what I was doing. I’m not saying everyone should rebel against their parents, but I am.

But the problem with codependency is that if you don’t break free of it, it never really goes away. It just transfers onto someone else like your partner, your child, your friends. And it continues to propagate in problematic ways in your future.

When I stopped receiving emotional and spiritual validation from my parents, I started to desperately seek it out in others. Like, I wasn’t getting it from my parents and it’s not like I could get it from God. It’s not like I could have a conversation with him where he was like, “Sanma, you’re on the right path. Don’t worry. And also, your sweater isn’t lost. Your sister just stole it.” Like, I didn’t have that opportunity.

So instead, I went out and I sought my friends, community members, siblings, potential partners, anyone that I could get my hand on really. I sought out validation from them. But more than that, I sought out an evasion for the responsibility of my decision. Until one day, my friend asked me straight up the most simple question, “Would you feel better if you quit?” I was like, “Girl, what?”

But then I was like, would I? Would I feel better if I quit? The answer was no. No, I wouldn’t feel better. No.

Because I knew that this was something that I wanted to do. If I quit, I would feel relieved but I wouldn’t feel better. I would feel like I lost. I would feel like I gave up and I was living in the shadow of others and not really being true to myself. So if I didn’t want to quit, then why was I so upset?

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“Because you people please,” my friend said. People please? Me? No, that’s not true. I hardly do any favors. Ask my mom. The dishwasher hasn’t been touched in weeks. I have no problem saying no.

Facing the Truth

But then, I thought about it more, and I started to face my anxiety and my parents’ anxiety. And I realized that all of it centered around this concept of what are people going to think of me, what’s my reputation.

And, because my parents would always tell me, “Don’t do it, you’re going to ruin your reputation. You’re never going to get married because you’re ruining your reputation.” And then I thought about it. I was like, okay. If my parents’ biggest dream for me is marriage – It’s true. You can ask my sister afterwards. And, and apparently me making this decision will prevent me from achieving that, then is there truth to this people pleasing logic?

And I thought about it and I – After some observation, I realized that according to this logic, the same thing that can ruin someone’s reputation, the second they get married becomes magically like the superpower that got them married. So for example, in my community, if you are a single girl and you like to play sports and you’re into fitness, people will be like, “Ugh. What is this? This is not feminine. No one will want to marry her.” And then when she gets married they’re like, “Well, yeah. She took care of herself and she was doing what she loved.”

If a girl’s doing her PhD they’re like, “No no no no no. You’re overqualified, you’re intimidating, you’re narrowing your pool of options, you need to stop.” And when she gets married they’re like, “Well, of course. She was educated. She’s from a respectful family. She got someone educated because she’s educated.”

And then if a girl is doing stand-up comedy, they’re like, “What is this? Standing on stage entertaining people, this is not dignified.” And when she gets married, they’re like, “Well, of course, she was charming. She was witty. She put herself out there. Who wouldn’t want to be with her?” I still – I am, like, waiting to hear that last line, you guys. I just – I tell it to myself every night. I text it to myself from an unknown number.

But that’s what made me realize that this people pleasing logic is hypocritical. It is inconsistent. These same people will turn against you and support someone else for making the exact same decision if they succeed. When other people start living without fear, then they become the hero.

Recognizing People Pleasing

Chances are each and every single one of us people, please. And on a deep level too, here’s how you know. If you take others into account when making big life decisions or if you use your personal relationships as roadblocks, as excuses to stop you from pursuing your dreams then you are a people pleaser.

I started to do this exercise with myself, and it helps me really sift through whether I’m making a decision for myself or for others. What I do is I imagine myself 20 to 30 years in the future, sitting with my daughters and they’re discussing something on the news, in this case a comedian, and I interrupt them and I’m like, “You know, I could have been a comedian.” And they’re like, “Okay, mom. So then why didn’t you?”

And I stop to think about every single possible answer I can give them in that scenario. Like, my mom didn’t let me or I was too scared. My community wasn’t ready for it. It was too hard. And none of those excuses are strong enough to withstand the time leading up to that conversation.

And honestly, I do this because I get so consumed in the moment by my loved ones that I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know what I want from my urge to people please. But I’ve been so fortunate to learn in comedy that in order to become a successful people pleaser, i.e. a comedian, I had to learn to stop pleasing people.

The Cost of People Pleasing

And I really recommend that you try this yourself the next time you’re faced with a decision. For example, a really close friend of mine, she finished, undergrad here, we went to the same university, and then she went to live in the Middle East with her parents. And then, when they told them, “Mom, dad, I’m thinking of going back to Canada to do my masters,” and they’re like, “No, Canada, that’s so far. Stay here. What are you going to do? Live alone? No. What will people say?” And then 2 years later, they’re like, “Why don’t you ever do your masters? You could have been done by now with a job lined up instead of sitting here doing nothing.”

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Do you see people pleasing doesn’t even achieve what you think it does? It doesn’t make either party eternally happy because neither of them are making a decision from genuine conviction.

And I urge everyone here to take back the autonomy of your decision making. Otherwise, you will end up resenting the very same people that you sought out to please. And each and every single one of us has an example like this.

I want you right now, right now, think back to a time where you wanted to make a decision for your own self. Like, I don’t know, anything like, switching programs in university, moving out of your house, leaving the job you’re not passionate about, going abroad for a bit to study or to work somewhere, marrying someone your parents don’t approve of, or leaving the long-term relationship you’re not happy in, but you didn’t do it because you thought it better not to for the sake of the greater good. That was you people pleasing.

I can’t lie though, people pleasing or breaking free of people pleasing is not free. Liberation is not free. It comes at a cost. Shortly after I had just started stand-up, I remember I had a show where over 20 of my friends came out and I had a bad set. It wasn’t awful but it wasn’t great and I just remember feeling so low after that show. I felt so lost because the validation that I’d been receiving from audiences and friends up until that point had stopped. And I needed it more then because I wasn’t getting it from my own parents.

And that was the first and only time where I almost walked away from comedy. Because when the audience doesn’t laugh and I don’t have my parents’ approval, is it worth it? When you disappoint those you love, you are constantly faced with a lot of doubt. When I started comedy, I went through a whirlwind of internal battles and I still go through them sometimes. But people pleasing is not noble.

We are not heroes, we are not martyrs. We are – These are the lies that we tell ourselves every night to deal with the decisions that we didn’t make. We are afraid, we are codependent, and we owe it to ourselves to stop. Because we are meant for more. But it goes deeper than that.

I realized that I had reached a point where every single decision that was made in my life was by other people. Comedy was the first thing that was mine. It was the first time I was face to face with a decision of this magnitude, the outcome of which I would have to bear on my shoulders alone. And that was scary. We are terrified of our failures, but we are even more terrified of our success.

Hope for the Future

So is there hope? Yes, there is. But it’ll take time and patience to break free of that codependency. And you’ll never do it fully. You will always fluctuate in and out of people pleasing.

I still do to this day, like, thinking about how this video is going to go up online and my mom’s going to see it. But what keeps me grounded is knowing that people pleasing comes from an underlying emotion of fear, which is weak. Because why live life out of fear when you can live it out of intent?

When I finally stopped chasing people’s approval, I became a better truer artist, a more representative version of myself. I was able to bring a more nuanced voice to life on stage and was able to give people a genuine complexity to relate to, the complexity of my identity, that I am a Muslim woman, that I’m educated, that I’m extroverted, that I’m a first generation Canadian, that I’m killing it in not one but 2 male dominated fields.

So in the future, when I’m sitting with my daughters and they ask me, “Why didn’t you go after your dreams, mom?” I can say, “I did and you can too.” Thank you so much, everyone.