Here is the full transcript and summary of Shadé Zahrai’s talk, “3 Habits That Kill Your Confidence,” at TEDxMonashUniversity conference. In this talk, leadership alchemist Shadé Zahrai explores the theme of overcoming self-doubt and building confidence through understanding and addressing three key “mind pits.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
There’s no such thing as being born with self-doubt, and I’ll prove it to you. I challenge you to ask any friendly neighborhood 12-month-old at what point they would give up on learning to walk. They’d likely look at you with bewilderment and mild amusement. Okay, they’ll probably look bewildered whatever you say.
The typical 12-month-old instinctively keeps trying to walk no matter how many times they fall and get up. And unlike us adults, they won’t go 12 rounds against themselves for stumbling and falling. They won’t compare themselves to a playdate who’s showered with praise for successfully taking their first steps. They just get on with it.
As we grow up, somewhere along our development, patterns of thinking begin to emerge that lead us to experience self-doubt. These could have originated from parents imposing excessively high standards, being compared to others and experiencing shame, being bullied or underperforming at school, or even growing up in a toxic family dynamic.
If we’re not careful and allow these patterns to repeat themselves thousands and thousands of times in our consciousness, they will morph into entrenched limiting beliefs that kill our confidence and prevent us from expressing our innate potential. But I’m not here to elaborate on how self-doubt is learned.
I’m not going to talk about how I’ve observed through countless hours working with hundreds of teams at Fortune 500s the debilitating impact of how self-doubt robs people of the joy of living and contributing. What I am going to share with you is far more pragmatic.
Through both our work and my PhD research, we’ve identified three universal and distinct self-doubt mind pits that most are unaware of. Not only will I reveal these mind pits so that you can easily recognize them, but I’ll also share proven dedicated habits to help you climb out and stay out of each one.
Failure to Launch
Simply freeing your mind from the grip of these dominant thought patterns transforms your life as it allows your attention to focus on what you want. Before I reveal the first mind pit, I’ll introduce you to Marco, a rare breed of talented software engineer that literally made billions for his big tech employer.
He reached out after feeling stuck in an unfulfilling career and having aspirations to launch startups that solve compelling global problems. He had done the research, identified interested parties and prepared detailed business plans, but despite months of preparation, he never felt quite ready to act.
Despite his accolades and confidence in his skills, he was constantly second-guessing himself every time he came close to pushing the go button. Marco had fallen into the first mind pit, which we call failure to launch. This is a pit that keeps people stuck in a perpetual cycle of research, learning and preparation, endlessly consuming books, podcasts, Googling, taking courses, acquiring extra qualifications, constantly doubting if they’re ready enough. It causes us to be prone to infomania, an insatiable desire to be in the know.
It keeps us in what Pfeffer and Sutton termed the knowing-doing trap in their Harvard Business Review article. We know what needs to be done, but we don’t do it.
So how does one fall into the failure to launch mind pit? Well, the research reveals one common overarching theme: rumination and overthinking, which inevitably leads to procrastination and stagnation.
Overthinking stems from our primitive instinct of self-preservation. In this state, we fixate on worst-case scenarios, what could go wrong and what’s missing. We excessively ruminate on what ifs. What if I fail? What if I’m underqualified? What if I’ve missed something? This state orientation, as termed by psychology literature, paralyzes us. Overthinking fuels the self-doubt, kills confidence, and then leads to self-criticism.
Treading Water
Why is everyone so far ahead? Why can’t I get started? What is wrong with me? The next mind pit after failure to launch is an easier one to spot. It’s what we call treading water.
A talented academic once reached out as he was tempted to drop out of his PhD just a year from completion. He shared that he’d actually dropped out halfway through a second master’s degree to pursue the PhD. He didn’t have to say much more for me to recognize he was stuck in a pattern of failing to finish what he starts.
Despite all the talent, he couldn’t stick with his commitments. He was treading water, exhausting himself without going anywhere. So what causes so many high potential people to start yet fail to finish? Self-doubt can lead to hesitation, to question whether we’ve made the right choice.
Should I have chosen this? I think this was the wrong decision. Maybe the other thing would have been better. You lose interest. You seek greener grass. You get bored. And when you’re bored, there’s no more dopamine to reward the work. So instead of getting to the finish line, it feels more rewarding to move on to the next fresh and exciting thing.
And if we allow this cycle to become habitual, then we become stuck in the treading water mind pit. But there is an antidote, which we’ll get into right after revealing the final and third mind pit of destination obsession.
Destination Obsession
See if you relate. You set an exciting goal, put in the work and discipline to achieve it, only to derive a short burst of pleasure followed by a lack of fulfillment, so you immediately set the next goal.
And if left unchecked, this destination obsession can lead to relentlessly chasing the short-lived euphoria of achievement. A response collected through my PhD research best encapsulates this state.
I’m always thinking I should be doing more. I should have accomplished way more than I did today. Sound familiar?
The destination obsession pit traps you by making you feel that you’ve never done enough. It even makes you feel guilty when you take breaks. It deludes you into thinking that I’ll finally be happy and feel worthy when I get there.
But there is always out of reach. Here’s an example of how this plays out. Research has counterintuitively revealed that bronze medalists in individual Olympic competition are likely to be happier and more satisfied than silver medalists, simply for the reason that they compare downwards. I almost missed the podium. I am so happy I received a medal.
Whereas silver medalists are prone to compare upwards. I was so close I could have won gold. If you’re stuck in destination obsession, you’re also likely comparing yourself to those ahead of you, termed upward counterfactual thinking.
And instead of feeling inspired, your self-doubt convinces you that you’ve fallen behind. You’re somehow deficient, so you’re endlessly trying to catch up. This mental pressure isn’t only bad for well-being, it doesn’t necessarily result in optimum performance in the long term.
Overcoming Mind Pits
Okay, now that you’re aware of the three mind pits, how do you free yourself and avoid falling in?
Starting with the first mind pit, failure to launch. If you’re like Marco and so many others we’ve worked with, then you’ll find the practice of shifting your internal narrative particularly helpful.
You see, procrastination is often misinterpreted as laziness, but they’re two different things. Procrastination is typically driven by the avoidance of the pain associated with failure, rejection or criticism. UCLA psychologists discovered that the pain of rejection or failure activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. It hurts. So it makes sense that your mind and body want to avoid it, and this avoidance manifests as inner chatter.
So if you change the narrative, you eliminate the avoidance. Next time you catch yourself thinking, I can’t do this, redirect to, how could I make this happen? Shift, I should do this, or I have to do that, to, I get to do this, or I choose to do that. Instead of combating disempowering thoughts, redirect your mind to empowering language that reflects personal control.
Finally, move from why to what. Instead of, why don’t I feel motivated, ask yourself, what can I do to get excited about getting this done? Studies show that this cognitive reframing can be a powerful influence on how we feel. When our thoughts are focused on taking action rather than overthinking, we embody an action orientation, a concept I’m researching for my PhD. And it leads to better performance and improved ability to handle setbacks. So it’s vital that the reframing is immediately followed by action.
We know from neuroimaging studies that your brain determines whether something is exciting or fear-inducing in a split second. It’s called an emotional appraisal. By taking immediate action, even if it’s small, messy, imperfect action, you short-circuit your way out of overthinking. You want to eject yourself out of the failure-to-launch mind pit by actually launching.
When it comes to the second mind pit of treading water, we’ve consistently found that it stems from one theme, a lack of meaning. It’s much easier to get cold feet about a commitment when you’re not crystal clear about why you’ve committed, especially when things get tough or when you encounter something new and exciting. That talented academic I told you about did drop out of his PhD and founded a charity to support troubled migrant youth, something he was deeply passionate about. And he remained 100% committed. He’s helped thousands of young people find their feet and change their lives.
By identifying and aligning to a clear why, he escapes the treading water mind pit. If you find yourself stuck in this mind pit, schedule time to reflect on why you’re doing what you’re doing. What’s the bigger picture? How can you zoom out and ascribe meaning? Who are you serving? How are you making a difference? Ask yourself this core question, this thing I’m doing, this goal I’m working towards, it’s for the sake of what?
And then when you face the inevitable roadblocks and friction, remind yourself of that. And finally, the destination obsession mind pit. When you’re aware of this unhealthy, doubt-driven behavior, remind yourself of the irrefutable truth that you are not your work. Your worth is not entirely a reflection of your achievements, and you’re not going to find lasting contentment on the hedonic treadmill of achievement. Instead, set boundaries for yourself.
If you’re destination obsessed, you’re likely disciplined, so channel that discipline to commit to taking breaks. We prioritize what we schedule, so schedule breaks that are purposeful, to meditate, to activate your higher self, to be truly present with family, to experience rejuvenating exercise, and importantly, to reflect on the legacy you want to leave behind, beyond your need to prove yourself.
Lastly, if you notice yourself feeling inadequate due to comparing your current reality to someone else’s, shift the narrative, say, I’m happy for this person. What can I learn from their journey?
All of these pits are fueled by self-doubt. And when we don’t reclaim control of these habits, they kill our confidence in who we are and the value we bring. Remember, your 12-month-old self wasn’t born with self-doubt. It was learned along your journey, which means you can unlearn it through creating new, healthier habits and tapping into the power of neuroplasticity that rewires your brain.
As Will Durant wrote, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.” So make a commitment to raise your self-awareness, notice the warning signs of those habits that kill your confidence, and take inspired action to dig yourself out and stay out of the three mind pits. It’s only then that you’ll be able to tap into the beauty of the true self that lies within.
Thank you.
SUMMARY OF THIS TALK:
Shadé Zahrai’s talk, “3 Habits That Kill Your Confidence,” explores the theme of overcoming self-doubt and building confidence through understanding and addressing three key “mind pits.” Here’s a summary structured around these key points:
1. Introduction to Self-Doubt: Zahrai begins by illustrating that self-doubt is not inherent but learned over time through various influences like parental pressure, bullying, or toxic family dynamics. These experiences can lead to deeply ingrained limiting beliefs that undermine confidence.
2. First Mind Pit – Failure to Launch:
– Example: Marco, a talented software engineer, is unable to act on his aspirations due to constant second-guessing.
– Characteristics: This pit involves endless preparation and research, leading to a cycle of procrastination and stagnation caused by overthinking and rumination.
– Solution: Zahrai suggests shifting the internal narrative from avoidance to empowerment, using cognitive reframing to focus on action rather than overthinking.
3. Second Mind Pit – Treading Water:
– Example: An academic unable to complete his PhD.
– Characteristics: This pit involves starting projects but not finishing them, driven by self-doubt leading to hesitation and a loss of interest.
– Solution: Finding and aligning with a clear purpose or ‘why’ behind actions and commitments.
4. Third Mind Pit – Destination Obsession:
– Characteristics: This involves setting and achieving goals but feeling unfulfilled afterwards, leading to a relentless pursuit of new goals.
– Solution: Recognizing the importance of balance, setting boundaries, taking purposeful breaks, and focusing on legacy rather than just achievements.
5. Overcoming Mind Pits:
– Self-awareness: Zahrai emphasizes the importance of recognizing these mind pits and their signs.
– Action Orientation: Encourages shifting focus from overthinking to taking action, employing neuroplasticity to rewire the brain.
– Legacy and Balance: Advises reflecting on the legacy one wishes to leave and finding balance between work and personal life.
6. Conclusion:
– Empowerment: Zahrai concludes by encouraging the audience to reclaim control over their habits, thus building confidence and tapping into their true potential.
– Inspirational Quote: She uses Will Durant’s quote, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit,” to inspire and motivate towards creating healthier habits.
The talk underscores the importance of understanding the sources of self-doubt, recognizing detrimental patterns, and actively working towards changing these through cognitive reframing, finding purpose, and maintaining a balance between achievement and personal well-being.