TRANSCRIPT: (NIAMH GAFFNEY – Directionality)
: I’m a bit freaked out because there’s so many people here. And I have a bit of a confession to make– I kind of got you all here under false pretenses, because as much as I would love to, I can’t teach you how to control change.
No one can. No, you can go if you want to. That’s OK. But no one can. And before Caroline starts freaking out about her P45 or anything, I promise, there are things that we can do. But change impacts us from the very second that we’re conceived. And most of the time, we wouldn’t notice it then, but most of the time, we don’t even notice it. We are a child, until one day we’re an adult. We’re young, until one day we’re not fit for Coppers anymore. And you, being in a place like this, until one day we’re the person showing people around.
We’re a high-flying executive flying all around the world, until one day we’re claiming the pension. We’re sick until one day we’re healthy, as anyone who’s had the flu recently knows all about. And equally, we’re perfectly healthy, living our normal lives, until one day we get a diagnosis that change it all. And like I said, most the time, we’re happy enough because we’ve created this idea that normality is no change. We don’t notice the single gray hair appearing.
We don’t notice those small little bits and bobs. And then something powerful, something unexpected, something unwanted happens, and it changes all that. And we realize that normality isn’t all of these changes. Normality is change. Normality is all of that.
I just want to show you– I talk too much, but actually, it might be easier just to show you guys. If you close your eyes for a second and find your pulse– for anybody who doesn’t know where the pulse is, it’s in your neck or in your wrist or in your heart. But find it. And I can assure you, it’s definitely there. As you feel it, close your eyes and see in your mind’s eye the graph that it’s making, the ups and downs, ups and downs.
And if you’re on this side of the audience, guaranteed it’s going an awful a lot faster than normal. But then just take your hand away for a split second and continue to see that graph and just see it fading out. See it, those ups and downs, smoothing out. It’s all normal. It’s all calm.
It’s all controlled. But there’s not much life going on there. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I can help you with. Because normality isn’t a place that we all run to when we try to get back to normal after a big change happens. Normality includes all of that change.
Normality is where we have to take those changes. We have to do something with them. We cannot avoid them. There is no such thing as going back to normal. You take it all with you.
And I’ve just realized, because I’m thinking about my own heart rate, that I’ve forgotten the lovely images that go with that. But what I want to show you is that– and does anybody recognize this quote? And anyone who does is kind of going, I’m not admitting that I recognize that It’s– yeah, I know I’m giving up all my secrets here. But it’s from Harry Potter, that well-known point of reference.
But it’s so true. No matter what happens, there is always something that you can do– always, no matter what it is. And it’s all about taking that bit of control, reaching out, and turning on the light, no matter how awful your experiences and your changes may make you feel. So I know it’s not normal to open your laptops and things like that here. But what I’d like us to do, rather than just you guys sit back and listen to me, I’d like us to use this as an opportunity to create solutions for whatever changes that are going on in your own life.
The first part of that is naming it, naming that darkness. So if you’d like to open your laptops or a piece of paper, if you have it, or your phone, and write down something that you’re dealing with right now. You can write down a code name. If you haven’t any paper with you, if you can just think about that and bear that in mind as we go through the exercises. Because what happens when we are faced with this change is we lose sight of the fact that life is change and we lose sight of the fact that this is what it’s all about.
And when that happens, we get that feeling of out of control and we crave for that sense of normality. And to give you an idea of why I talk about things like that, I suppose I’d better introduce myself a little bit. Five years ago, I was worried I had just had a little baby. I was on maternity leave and I was worried about going back to work.
How would I be perceived at work? What had happened with the team while I was away? Maybe I’d be overlooked now for promotion prospects because I couldn’t commit in the same way as I had done earlier. I was worried about the commute up and down and the crush, and leaving at 5 o’clock, thinking, god, maybe people think I’m on a half day when I leave at 5 o’clock. And then I got a diagnosis of aggressive breast cancer, and I wasn’t so worried about the commutes then at that stage. So what you can do in those situations, you freak out, as you do. You cry, as you do.
But then there’s no way out but through it. You get on with the treatment. You do what you’re told. You kind of give up those choices and that control, and that’s part of it.
And you have to do that, because there is only one way out, and that’s through it.
Well, I’m here today not in spite of all those changes and things that happened to me, but I’m here because of it. I couldn’t have stood in front of you guys five years ago. I just couldn’t have done it. I probably wouldn’t have anything to talk about. But that’s beside the point.
I suppose I just want to impress upon you guys that we run away a lot. We avoid a lot when we’re faced with scary changes, with traumatic changes. Because those changes can range from being mild anxiety, if you’re worrying about asking someone out on a date or asking for a raise, to intense trauma, when you’re dealing with bereavement or a life-changing diagnosis or anything scary. However you experience it is totally normal. That’s the way you’re supposed to experience it.
But trying to run away from it, trying to find this normality, that doesn’t work. And especially, I don’t know– I’m sure you guys have come across it, where something has happened and it’s all over. And then people say, ah, great, you can go back to normal now. The thing is, I couldn’t go back to my pre-cancer me, anymore than I could go back to my pre-motherhood me. I just couldn’t.
It’s not possible. So when you see things like human evolvement even– is that the right word? Charles Darwin had it right when he said the survival of the fittest. We’re not all walking around on all fours anymore. We let go what we needed to let go of. We took with us what we needed to take with us. And we changed to make it so that we can now walk on two feet. Our whole skeleton has changed. And that’s the point of today’s talk, because we can always do three things.
The first, we choose. We choose what’s important to us. The second, we change. We change our perspective. We change our position. And the third is we control the actions we take. If you use all of those three steps, no matter what whirlwind picks you up and pushes you in a completely different place, no matter how change impacts you, you can get on with it.
And not only can you get on with it, you can become who you need to be and you can evolve. So the first step is getting clear, then, on where we want to go after these whirlwinds. And it’s ironic that I’m here today, because anyone who knows me knows that, quite literally, the best thing that ever happened in my life was Google Maps. I know it’s ridiculous, but it has literally gotten me here today.
Because not only– no, it’s unreal. No matter how often, no matter– I’ve forgotten what I was going to say there now, because I’m kind of thinking, where did I park my car? Really, I am bad at that. But, oh, yes, of course. The best thing about it, the thing I love about it is that not only does it tell you where you need to go and how you want to get there, it tells you where you are and the direction you’re facing in. It’s incredible.
And when I went through my own thing that we all have, when I went through my own whirlwind, I was totally lost. I wasn’t the person I had been before that. It frightened the life out of me. And then I realized that every single one of us has our own internal GPS system. And we can call that fulfillment or meaning or values or whatever you want to call it.
But what it boils down to is this– it’s what is important to you. That’s it. If you know what’s important to you, and you know that, and really know it, then every decision you take, every step you take is done with that in mind, and it makes life so much easier. Because wherever that whirlwind drops you, you can find out where you want to go, where you are, and the direction you’re facing. It still doesn’t help you with where you parked the car.
So what I’d like you to do is close your eyes for a second. We’ll do a little exercise, if everyone’s OK with that. And at the end of it, hopefully you’ll get a real sense of– a little sense of– what’s important to you. So close your eyes, please.
And if I can ask you to take a deep breath in and out. Deep breath in, and breathe out fully. Deep breath in, and breathe all the way out. Now, you will notice the sounds in the room. But as you hear my voice, you become more and more relaxed.
You can feel the weight of the chair supporting you, if you’re lucky enough to have a chair. And for those of you who are standing, hold on. But you become more and more relaxed. You are calm, safe, and relaxed. In and out.
Now, I want you to imagine that you have just been given one week to live, just seven days. You feel the shock of hearing that, the horror of having to tell everybody you love. This is your last Friday. But you also begin to notice that you have the freedom to do exactly what you want. These are your seven days.
These are your last seven days. You can choose what you want to do. What is important that you do? What is important that you say? What message do you want to leave? What do you want to do with the people you are going to choose to spend the time with? What is important that those people remember about you? What would you be brave enough to do that you’re not already doing? Or perhaps, what would you stop doing that you’re currently spending too much time at?
Now I want you to think about that challenge that you wrote down. If you had seven days to live, what would you do about it? What’s important about that? In a moment, I’m going to ask you to open your eyes and just record down one thing that you can do about your challenge now that you know what’s important to you. Take a deep breath in and out.
And when you’re ready, open your eyes. If you can make a note of those things, any thoughts that you have about what’s important to you. Maybe something you didn’t realize you’re spending too much time at. So what we’ve done there is change your perspective a little bit. And actually, that’s the second part.
Because we don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are. And we are all safe and secure in our lovely little comfort zone. And for as long as we stay in that comfort zone, we can only see things the way we’ve always seen them. So when you try to challenge those boundaries and push out the edges of that comfort zone a little bit, you start to understand that there are other solutions, other ways of thinking about things.
And that can help you get solutions to the problems that you’re facing, no matter what that is. So it’s very definitely easier to blame whatever it is and be a victim of the situation. But actually, our responsibility is to ourselves. To keep that line going up and down on our heart rate, we have to step up. You have to move out of the place of being a victim.
And one of the ways we can do that is to change our perspective and get a different insight, a different way of thinking about things. So what I’d like you to do is, everyone, if you could just bring to mind your most positive relationship, somebody that you look up to, somebody whose advice you take on and you actually hear, rather than just listen to. And have a think about it and imagine what they would do if they were faced with your challenge. What would they do if they were faced with what you’re looking at, what you’re worrying about right now? What would they suggest you do? If something comes to mind, make a quick note of that. Now, I’d like everyone to stand up, please.
And I’d like you to pick somebody else in the room and swap places with them. Have a look at them as you’re– have a look at them It’s what they — Now, as you take their place and as you sit down– as you sit down in their place, I’d like you to look at that person and imagine that you’re now wiggling your toes in their shoes, if you can stand to imagine that. They might be a different gender, a different culture. They might see things a different way.
They might be a different managerial level than you. But guaranteed, one thing’s for certain, is that they can see things differently than you. How would they deal with your challenge? What would they do if they were faced with the thing you’re worried about? Have a think about that for a second and see if you can come up with one solution that you wouldn’t have thought about when you’re standing in your own shoes. Do you get a fresh insight from that perspective? You can always go and stand on the top of Everest. You can always– well, maybe you can’t.
But all the astronauts who’ve left this world have come back with a fresh perspective and have changed their whole lives as a result, because they’ve seen things from a different place. That’s what you guys are doing here. So look at the person whose space you’ve just taken and find out and challenge yourself to think of one thing that they would suggest that they would do in your position. OK, go back to your seats. Go back to your places.
And as you sit down this time– as you sit down this time, I’d like you to age yourself 25 years. What would your older self say about your challenge? If you are 25 years older, you’ve already lived through your challenge. You’ve already asked that person out on a date. You’ve already asked for a raise. You’ve already dealt with the cancer or the headaches.
Or you’ve already done your driving test. You’ve already managed to live through that change, and you’ve evolved and changed as a result. What advice would your older self give about the thing, about the challenge that you’re facing, the change that worries you right now? If there’s anything that you can gain from that, please write it down. Or take a moment later to go through it when you have time to think about it. So like I said, this exercise creates lots of just positive relationships with yourself and it shows you that there is life outside your comfort zone.
And it’s a gentle way of doing it, rather than having to actually sit in the consultant’s chair and listen to that news. Being pushed out of your comfort zone like that allows you to take responsibility for the situation and allows you actually to gain control over the situation. Because you then are able to not only know what’s important, but you’re seeing different ways. And you’re coming up with your own solutions to things, solutions that aren’t possible when you’re dealing with the fight or flight response that change can often cause us. My third step for dealing with change is the whole notion of control.
Because there is always, always something that you can do. The problem is, we’re not in the habit of thinking like that. Our brains are incredible. They are an incredible tool of efficiency. But if you’ve always thought the way you think, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.
And changing your perspective and choosing what’s important are ways of challenging that. But no matter how much you do that, unless you’re willing to step up, put on your big girl pants and get on with it and take action, nothing will change. And you will continue to be a victim of that change, rather than the driver of it. So what I would like you to do is to think of three things– write them down, if you can– that you can do right now that will further your challenge, that will help you move through that challenge. And those things can be as simple as having a cup of tea so that you can get the mental space to think about it.
We don’t actually think about things in a positive light very often. We worry about things. We ruminate about things. But we don’t actually think it through in the same way that you would deal with a project or spec out a new design. You only get one chance at this.
It doesn’t matter whether you have seven days to live or 70 years. But if you’re not behind the driving wheel, it doesn’t matter. You might as well be having one of those flat lines. So there’s two principles to bear in mind with the whole area of control. The first, like I said, is that you can always do something. And I’ll teach you the three small things that you can always, always do. They’re kind of an emotional first aid box, if you will.
And the second thing is that action actually creates confidence. When we’re faced with an unexpected change or an unwanted change, the first thing that happens is we’re impacted. We feel we can do nothing. You feel that you’re out of control, that everything is happening to you. And you have no confidence in your ability to do anything. And a lot of the time, you don’t have any ability to do anything. I certainly couldn’t come up or dish out the chemo that I had to get. So in that respect, yes, you do give up a lot of control, a lot of choices in those situations.
But the thing is you haven’t given up all control. You haven’t given up all choices. And the more action you can take– in the same way as a journey starts with one step, the more action you can take, the more momentum you can build up, the easier the next step becomes, the next step, the next step. So if you’re worrying about asking someone on a date or asking about a raise, schedule a meeting or send a text. Do one small, tiny thing that gets the momentum going.
So if you can think– I’m going to just give you a moment right now to think and write down three things that you can do as soon as you leave here that will further your change. Things that not only you can do, but things that you’re committing to doing. If you can take a moment to write those down, please. This exercise is very, very good for– and the physical act of writing, actually. Writing even more so than typing or jotting notes in your phone.
The physical act of writing has been proven to be an action in itself and can allow you the space to get to the end of a thought. And if you can get to the end of a thought, you’re eliminating the space that the worry can creep in. So the more and more you write, the better it is for your ability to come up with those solutions. So I promised you a few other things to add to your “I can” list, and the first requires a little bit of visualization, if you don’t mind once more. Don’t worry, you’re not going to get a death sentence this time.
But if you can sit with your bum to the back of your chairs or sit as comfortably as you can be on the floor, I’d like you to put your feet solidly on the ground and wiggle your toes so that you can feel them connect to the ground. And feel your hands heavy in your lap. And close your eyes for a moment. I want you to breathe in deeply to the count of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And out slowly, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
And breathe in again. And breathe out fully. Now, I’d like you to think about your very worst day at work, the worst day that ever happened to you at work. Remind yourself what you were wearing, who was there with you. Remind yourself what you could smell.
What was going on? What could you hear? What words were being said? Stay with that memory just for a moment, and put yourself back in that position of your worst day at work. And as you remember that, I’d like you just to notice the thoughts that are coming up. Maybe they’re the thoughts that happened on that day. Perhaps you were feeling you’re not good enough. Perhaps you’ve been told you’re not good enough.
Perhaps you’re feeling you’re going to get caught out or that your work isn’t as good as other people’s. Perhaps you’re noticing feelings of anger, of disappointment, shame perhaps, or maybe guilt or regret or fear. Are people blaming you? As you notice those thoughts and memories, I want you just to notice the reaction, your physical reaction right now. Is your heart rate getting a little bit faster as you remember those feelings? Perhaps you’re reminding yourself of the knot in your stomach or the crick in your neck. Perhaps your breathing is a little bit shallower.
This is your physiological response to the fear, to the anxiety. This is your flight or flight response. But with your eyes still closed, I’d like you to take your thumb and your index finger and rub them together ever so slowly, ever so lightly, so that you can feel the ridges of your fingerprints. Perhaps you’ve never even noticed that you can feel them before. But you can feel every ridge and every furrow on your fingerprints.
Now, using your thumb and your middle finger, do the same. How are they different? Is there a difference? What you notice right now is that as you do that, it’s impossible to think the thoughts you were thinking earlier. As you concentrate on finding those lines, you realize you’re not able to do the two things at once.
SPEAKER: We’ll be through with this problem any minute.
NIAMH GAFFNEY: This could easily be my worst day at work. But we’ll get past that OK, everyone’s got their eyes open again. But what I just want you to notice, hopefully, before you got interrupted by whatever that was, is that doing something like that, that fingertip mindfulness, if you like– mindfulness is an incredible thing. It’s great. I hate it.
I’ll be completely honest. It’s like, oh I love the notion of it. I love the idea that I can be so calm and in control of my life. And the reality is, it’s like, yeah, I’ll do it once, and then it’ll be another week.
And ah, sure, I’ll do a bit of that? It doesn’t work for me. And also, no matter how good, no matter how great you are at practicing mindfulness, when you’re freaking out because your boss has just called you in to talk about a report, when you’re worrying about something, when you’re sitting in a consultant’s chair and you’re worried about the information, you can’t pop off and do a bit of mindfulness. You just can’t. So this is incredible. You can do it quietly, you can do it quickly, and it gives you the tiniest, tiniest little bit of space.
That’s all you need to put in place one of your I-cans. Because if you can do that, then your brain– what happens is that your brain is starting to open up those pathways that have been closed off to you. When the fight or flight response is triggered, what happens is you literally, literally cannot think. You can’t think because all of your mind’s resources are focused on the danger. And those parts of your brain that deal with the memories and the creative solutions and things like that, they’re literally blocked by all the cortisol and the adrenaline in your system.
Doing this kind of bypasses the fight or flight response for a split second, and that’s all you need. It gives you the space to think. So that is something that you definitely can always do. The next exercise– and I’m going to ask you to stand up. And I’m going to ask you to go with me on this one.
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