And believe you me, it’s better if everybody’s eyes are closed on this one, because nobody comes out of this looking glam. What I’d like you to do is just drop down anything that you have your hands. And for the count of 10, I want you to squeeze every single muscle you can as hard as you can, including your eyes, your bums, your tums, your legs, your toes, everything for 10 seconds Go, 1, 2– I’m not seeing any eyes close. Everyone do it.
3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 And relax, shake it out. That was ridiculous. Do it again, as hard as you can 3, 2, 1, go
2, 3, 4, 5. You can definitely do better than that 9, 10, and let it go. And we do it again 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 10, and relax.
You can definitely do better. Do it again 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. OK, one last time, go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
OK Do you feel the difference in your muscles? If you’ve been giving it all in that, you will feel– And that allows you to turn off your fight or flight– blah, blah, blah– the fight or flight response, no matter how ridiculous it seems. You can all sit down for a second. This is an incredible tool for insomnia. If you’re dealing with insomnia which is driven as a result of anxiety, and you get that fizziness that goes on in your muscles, this is brilliant for that.
If you do it about 12 times, guaranteed you’re too knackered to do anything but sleep. But you have to go all out. But equally, if you’re– OK, I’ll admit to being somebody who can get myself quite wound up. And once you’re in that thought, you can’t think of your way out. That fizziness can be dealt with.
Anybody who loves your boxing or physical exercise, go and do that. That’s what it’s for. It allows you to get more relaxed and take advantage of that. But it’s not always possible to go and do a spot of boxing or dancing or running. But you can always take yourself somewhere private perhaps, and do that.
And that allows you to get rid of the adrenaline that builds up in your muscles. And by doing that, it gives your body and the amygdala the signal that the danger has passed, rather than getting stuck in a vicious cycle of stress upon more stress upon more stress, which is what happens. The final thing that we can do, and we can always do, is– like I said, action creates confidence. So how about we get a little confidence hack, something that will give you the confidence and fake it until you can make it. Now, I’m sure some of you have heard this before, but I’d like you to stand up for me and give me your inner superhero.
If put your feet hip distance apart and arms on your hips– you can close your eyes, if you want to. But I’d like you just to think how incredible you look in Lycra, how brilliant it is to have your own special superpower. What would your superpower be, if you had one? If you had that superpower, how would you deal with your challenge? If you can keep your head up and your tummy tucked in and really, really feel that superpower, feel how powerful you actually are. Probably better to do without putting your underpants on the outside of your tights, but go with whatever you need to on that. So this has been proven to increase your testosterone levels.
But it’s also been proven to decrease your cortisol levels, which is the very hormone that’s blocking those pathways to the memory banks and experience banks of your brain during the fight or flight response. So when you do feel anxious about something, it’s very easy for us to say, oh god, I couldn’t do that, or I won’t do that, or try and avoid it. If you can do something as simple as this for two minutes, you’re allowing yourself to boost your feelings of confidence. But you’re also allowing yourself to take that one action, to take that one step to create that momentum. You can all sit.
And thank you for going for it for me. These things are only small tools, guys. Like I said at the start, I can’t help you control change. My god, I wish I could, because I wouldn’t wish some of the experiences on anybody. Nobody wants to go through the horrible stuff that we go through in life.
But we don’t have a choice. Those horrible things are as equal a part of our lives as the gorgeous things and the lovely things. You don’t get to have one without the other. So when we look at a problem or a challenge, we can often look at what we can’t do. And that’s kind of where– we have a habit of that.
And what I’d like us to do, even just in a small way, is to stop moving in the direction of reacting to change, but actually step forward into being the driver of change. I’m here today, like I said, not in spite of change, but because of it I’ve created a new normal. I’ve created a life where I help people deal with emotional and mental difficulties. I’m here today not as a cancer survivor, but as a mommy, as a person, as somebody who’s just living.
I think this is a great quote because, to be honest, that’s the only way that we can control change. It’s not about striving to avoid it. It’s not about trying to stay– going back to normal. It’s about embracing it, building the new, choosing what you want, adapting however you need to, and going for it. So every single day, we’re impacted by change.
None of us are going to change that.
But like I said, we can change the victim, or we can change the driver. We can drown, or we can surf the waves. But it’s our choice Sin é, thank you very much.
And good luck with the rest of your day.
HOST: I just have a few questions for you, and then we’ve a few minutes then to move to audience Q and A. Just remember to wait until we get a microphone to you for the audience Q and A– we’ve one on either side– so that they can hear you on the recording. So my first question is, these different skills and techniques that we can practice that we’ve heard today, we can practice them when we’re facing a challenge. How often do we have to relearn how we deal with change? Does it become that, every time we face a change, we are– we’re back at the beginning again in terms of our reactionary responses? Or with time, do these techniques eventually become almost the automatic way that we turn to when facing challenge?
NIAMH GAFFNEY: So the answer is yes and no. So the reality is, is that we’re great– a brain, like I said, it’s a master illusionist. And it allows us to believe that those ups and downs of everyday life aren’t even happening. So we kind of form into the habit of doing things like that and kind of thinking of things in the same way. Tools like these are incredible. But it’s actually– the importance of them is only when the unexpected happens.
And the unexpected, by its very nature, doesn’t happen often enough for us to create habits about it. We can improve, and we can definitely get better. And you can get in the habit of this notion of being able to always do something. But actually, when it comes down to it, when something unexpected or unwanted happens, your reactions are going to be the same. You can have your anxiety and your trauma, depending on what you’re facing.
And that is part of life. You can’t not have that. So yes, they can help. But they can only help in the aftermath of it happening. They can’t help it not happen, if that makes any sense.
HOST: Yes. Great. Another question I wanted to ask you about is, in lots of work environments, and definitely in ours, we face a lot of change. Do you notice that people are more open or accepting or respond more positively to change in one area over the other, like their work life over their personal life? Or in general, do we deal with them mostly the same?
NIAMH GAFFNEY: I think we deal with them mostly the same. It depends on the importance of them. So if you are being told you’re being made redundant, for example, there are people who that doesn’t matter to because they’ve always been considering of how to move out of that. It’s not an issue. But there are people for whom, let’s say, the role is a complete lifeblood. And so much other things, what’s important to them, depends on that.
Then obviously they would have a much greater reaction to that. My only caveat to that, if you like, is that sometimes in an organization, we feel we can’t react other than how people react. And that’s why there’s a lot of– and it’s probably not here as much as it is in other organizations. But there’s a sense that you can’t be anything other than OK with change at work. The reality is– and that kind of puts pressure on ourselves to deal with things in a specific way.
The reality is, it doesn’t happen. You’re going to feel how you’re going to feel. And that depends on the importance of the situation. But we kind of buy into the fact that you have to be OK at work. Even no matter how many times people say it’s OK to not be OK, the reality is, is that there’s an expectation.
So I suppose for people here, be conscious whether you’re reacting normally, whether you’re acting– let me rephrase that Be honest with yourselves, guys That’s it Be honest You don’t have to tell anyone
You don’t have to share it But at least you be honest with yourself, because that’s the only way that you can take your next action.
SPEAKER: Yeah. It’ll catch up with you eventually.
NIAMH GAFFNEY: Exactly. Sorry, a big, long-winded response to your —
SPEAKER: No, a great response.. And that brings me on to my next question. And after this question, then I’ll go to audience questions, so you can have something in mind. Is there such a thing as reacting dangerously to change, like having a dangerous reaction to a change? And what are maybe some of the warning signs that the person’s response isn’t going to be good in the long run?
NIAMH GAFFNEY: Well, I can’t answer that, to be honest, because everybody has their own reactions to things. And none of us know how we’re going to react to something until it happens.
Equally, I suppose what we have to be conscious of is our conscious steps. So when I spoke about taking control, taking responsibility of the situation, if we have consciously decided to react in a big way, and that decision is made with what’s important to us in mind, then it doesn’t matter to anyone else what that reaction is. But if it’s a reaction where we’re running away from something, where we’re trying to avoid it, where we’re not facing up to it, then, yes, that is a dangerous situation.
SPEAKER: That’s great. Great answer. Do we have any odd questions?
NIAMH GAFFNEY: I do a lot of work with small teams. So as I kind of mentioned myself, that one of the big worries, for example, when people go off maternity leave or long-term leave, even as well as with sick, is that so much happens while you’re off. So much happens for the person. They’ve changed while they’re off. But the team has changed. So there’s often a lot of alignment to be done there. And we can do that through both training and then individual support, as needs be.
SPEAKER: So are there any daily actions that we can take that would support us or help us when we do face some kind of big change? Or is there anything to be said for doing little things, like taking a new route to work or not always having the exact same breakfast every day? Or will that help you at all?
NIAMH GAFFNEY: Well, for sure it does, because that is exactly like I was talking about. That is the change perspective. If you go on your bike ride and you go out into the forest without a GPS, or if I dare to drive without my own GPS, you get lost.
And you get through that. And it makes you think how you would react in those dangerous or difficult situations. So yes, it is all about change. That allows you to change perspective. The only thing we can do is– look, everybody knows what works best for them. I know mindfulness and yoga doesn’t work for me. I don’t enjoy them. But there’s so much to be said for the gratitude journals, for the mindfulness, for whatever works for you. Do that. But I suppose a bottom line to all of it is to figure out what’s important to you and take action towards that. Because once you know that you can do that, no matter what life throws at you, you can always adapt to that.
SPEAKER: OK, great. And you said during your talk that we don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are. Which is– it’s a great line, and it was eye-opening for me. But while I was sitting there thinking, it made me realize that this would encourage us to look back on our previous reactions to change maybe with a kinder point of view. Because we can be quite– like, do you find that people can be very hard on themselves on how they dealt with change?
NIAMH GAFFNEY: For sure. We have an innate reaction to, or an innate ability to look on the dark side, like never look on the positive side. It’s all, like, personal bias and things, but we never look at what we did in the best possible light. And when you can treat yourself with the kindness that you would, without thinking, show somebody else in your life, it changes the whole perspective of things. I don’t know, has anybody ever been in an experience where you felt that something had happened one way, and then when you spoke with somebody else about it, they saw it in completely different light? That’s the same situation.
You would never, ever, ever treat another person or a person you loved the way you treat yourself in your head. You would never do that. You wouldn’t dream of it. And yet we do it all the time. So when I talk about being conscious of making those decisions, you can’t stop those thoughts.
There’s no point even trying. But you can challenge them. And that’s one thing you can do. You can always say, hold on now a second, that’s not even true. It’s not true that I never get to the right place at the right time. It’s just not true I do, the odd time– usually with Google maps, but that’s beside the point. So you have to just be kind in that respect.
SPEAKER: We’ve got a question at the front.
NIAMH GAFFNEY: The thing is, all you can ever do– no matter what’s going on, all you can ever do is let that person know that you’re there, no matter what. But you’re there being kind, and you’re there being brave. And you’re there to hold their hand, metaphorically or literally. And that’s all any of us can do. There’s so many things that you’d take away and you’d fix But actually, fixing it doesn’t resolve anything for the person.
They’re still dealing with their version of the change. They’re still dealing with the things that they feel inside. And no matter what you say or do, you cannot change that. And that’s what I meant when I said at the start, I can’t teach you how to control change. I can’t. No one can. So, sorry. It’s a great answer. I’m telling you nothing So–
SPEAKER: And so this a quick follow-up on that, because we’re getting to close again. What are your thoughts on the phrase– and even I chatted about this a little bit further, and I think you guys would appreciate hearing it– the phrase, “Stay positive?” “Keep your chin up”
NIAMH GAFFNEY: I’ve heard that phrase once or twice. Believe you me, the bald look does nothing for me, right? So when somebody says to you, oh, you look gorgeous. Be positive. It’s like, are you kidding me? No, I cannot bear that phrase. But we say it all the time. There’s two ways of looking at it. The first is that it’s completely, completely futile to be positive when you’re feeling rubbish. If you’re feeling rubbish, feel rubbish. If you’re being sad or you’re angry, be angry.
God knows it will come out somehow. But the other side of it is that, I suppose, in terms of being kind and changing your perspective, people say things. They say things because they don’t have anything to say. And it’s a kind of a way of trying to be there to support somebody else. It’s like, look, this might make them feel better. I’ll say this I’ve heard this said. And it’s a kind of a reaction. Some people feel so awkward in those situations. God knows, I was at a funeral there recently.
And a lot of the people– when you’re sympathizing, you don’t know, let’s say, half the family. It’s like, what do you say? Oh, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. And then you have that connection with the person that you do know. You have to say something in those situations. And that’s where the “be positive” often comes from. And it’s from a good place. But, my god, if you find it at the tip of your tongue, just hold back. Think of another way of phrasing it.
Encourage people, I suppose, sometimes I’d encourage people to be how they feel. If that’s positive, great. If it’s not, please don’t ask them to be positive.
SPEAKER: Great. I think we have one final question.
NIAMH GAFFNEY: It’s funny that mindfulness, for me– and that’s what I meant by fingertip thing. It’s just to give you the breathing space. That’s the way I see it. So for me, I read. Sometimes when you’re going to bed at night and you can’t shut off, I– people who do gratitude journals and mindfulness and all that, it’s brilliant, and it works really well. I don’t like it. It makes me anxious, which defeats the purpose. But I read. And then in the reading, I can kind of switch off.
It’s like you can be out of your own head. And it’s just to stop that craziness of thought, that tornado that can go on That’s one thing that I do. The other thing is that sometimes you just have to get on with it and just say, OK, I’ll just do one thing, one thing that you can do. And even if that one thing is moving out and going and getting a cup of tea, or going outside the house for a walk, just whatever that one thing is, it could be the tiniest little thing.
But once you feel that energy, that movement, certainly for me, that helps me feel better. It helps me feel that I’m doing something. I don’t feel as much of a victim of the situation. I’m using “victim” a lot, but it’s probably the best word to describe sometimes how you feel in that situation. So yes, it helps you just to do something.
SPEAKER: That’s a lovely question to close it. Thank you for asking. Thank you for everything.
NIAMH GAFFNEY: You’re more than welcome.
SPEAKER: And thank you for coming in to us.
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