Here is the full transcript of positive psychology coach Petra Kolber’s talk titled “The Perfection Detox” at TEDxSyracuseUniversity 2015 conference.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
The Impact of Childhood Experiences
“You look like a slut.” “You will never amount to anything.” “Your Dad’s a drunk.” These words rang in my ears as a child and made me feel so imperfect on the inside, it triggered a desire in me to appear perfect on the outside. For many years, I thought being perfect was a great thing.
At the age of 16, I had my hair feathered and flipped, and my ears pierced. It was the 70s and everyone wanted to look like Farrah Fawcett. When my teachers saw this, and they saw my effort, they told me I looked like a slut. This triggered a belief in me that to try and look pretty, and especially if I got attention, must mean that I was a slut. Another role model told me that I would never amount to anything. At that point forward, I was determined to succeed at anything, at any cost.
The Roots of Perfectionism
When the talk around town about my father being a drunk was no longer just gossip, and I thought that everyone everywhere knew that my father was an alcoholic, which he was, I began to keep everything in, and zipped up, and perfect, to try and control the chaos around me. When these three events collided, it triggered my desire to be a perfectionist. The collateral damage was the loss of joy.
Hello. I am Petra Kolber, and I am a recovering perfectionist. Some see perfection as a driver to their success, and in turn, their happiness. For a few, this might be true. For most of us, perfectionism is actually the roadblock between the life we are living, and creating a life of our dreams.
The Paradox of Perfectionism
The paradox of perfectionism is that unlike living a virtuous life, we strive to be the best that we can be. We view mistakes as mini milestones along the road to our success. Perfectionists strive to be flawless; they see their mistakes as a character flaw. It is not even that they made a mistake, it is that they are the mistake.
Even the perfect moments have no joy, because they are never quite perfect enough. To paraphrase my favorite author Anne Lamott, “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor and will keep you cramped and insane your entire life.” And while not a disease of the body, perfectionism is a cancer of the spirit.
The Language of Perfectionism
Perfectionism comes in many colors, but it speaks the language of black or white, all or nothing, good or bad, worthy or worthless. It is fed by shame, the feelings of shame that come from not feeling pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, at work enough, rich enough, at home enough, perfect enough. Enough.
In 1994, the New York Times listed me as, “A Rising Star of Fitness.” I have been on many DVDs, OK, VHS tapes, and I have starred alongside “Body By Jake” on television shows. I have worked with George Foreman, Nancy Kerrigan and the incredible Olympian, Dara Torres.
The Illusion of Success
I have traveled around the world, speaking to thousands of people, and talked to packed classes in New York City. I have won pretty much every fitness accolade that there is to win, and I have even been on the back of a Special-K cereal box. I share this with you not to brag but to let you know that even with all of that, this was never enough.
Like any disease, perfectionism has many symptoms. If you are like me, you might not realize you have this until it is too late. Until you look back and notice all those moments, missing joy. You look at your photographs and realize just how many you are not in because you didn’t feel quite perfect enough to be in front of the camera.
The Symptoms of Perfectionism
You look at all those relationships, damaged or destroyed, because you were too busy being perfect, to be present. Like many ‘Type A’ perfectionists, I had many symptoms. I had two eating disorders, not one. I had anorexia and bulimia.
Then in my thirties, my symptoms shifted to anxiety, that then grew into full-blown panic attacks. Like any perfectionist, I tried to manage my symptoms perfectly. I could hide the tightening of my stomach, the racing of my heart, the desperate need to get out of a room if I felt a panic attack coming on.
The Public Display of Imperfection
I could not hide my last symptom. My last symptom was a zero-to-sixty. I mean, not just a lip, not just a brow, full body, head to heel, zero to sixty, sweat. In less than 60 seconds, this little body looked like it had run a marathon.
It was embarrassing, uncomfortable, and just another public display of how imperfect I was. After every panic attack, I felt lost, confused, lonely and even more imperfect. As my panic attacks became more frequent, my calendar emptied out.
The Cost of Perfectionism
For two full years, I turned down high-profile work. The Today Show, The View, The CBS early news show, for fear that I wasn’t going to be perfect. The only thing I knew during that time that I could do perfectly was have a panic attack. I just never knew when it was going to happen, or where.
You see I thought the very thing people expected from a fitness person was perfectionism. I thought they expected that of me. But the very thing I thought they wanted was the thing that kept me at an arm’s length. Because who can relate to perfection?
The Struggle with Insecurities
The pastor Steve Furtick tells us that the reason we are struggling so badly with our insecurities is because we are so busy comparing our back story to everybody else’s highlight reel.