Transcript: Confessions of a Toxic Leader: Raj Subrameyer

Here is the audio, transcript and summary of Raj Subrameyer’s talk titled “Confessions of a Toxic Leader” at TEDxManitouSprings conference.

Listen to the audio version here:

TRANSCRIPT:

Raj Subrameyer – Tech Career Strategist

Hi. I am a toxic leader. Toxic leaders like myself were often known as the good kids growing up. We followed the rules, we tried our best. But the thing is, there’s this very innocent looking road that slowly leads one from being a sweet young person to one whose actions negatively affects those around them, whether that’s their intention or not.

And that seemingly innocent looking road looks exactly like the one we are all on right now. It’s isolating. It feels like you can’t get ahead no matter what you do. It’s a routine you can find yourself in at a time like right now where we are in the middle of a pandemic and a state of high emotional stress. It’s a moment in time when we get caught up in survival, forced to focus more on how we are rather than who we are.

Everyone of you listening right now is a leader in his or her own way. You may have been in a leadership role at work, at school, or even at home. Regardless of the place, the very instant you interact with people, you will affect them. And the kind of decisions you make determines the kind of leader you are.

Now is the time to educate everyone on the importance of speaking right, doing right, treating each other right at the workplace, and most of all, being non-toxic leaders. And it starts with recognizing three symptoms that could lead us to become toxic leaders, which you’ll know soon from my story.

Looking back on it, I remember the moment when I realized who I had become and what I was doing.

One afternoon at work, my boss called me in for an impromptu one-on-one meeting. She said, ‘Hey Raj, I just want to confirm something with you. In one of the annual performance reviews I got for Jane, I noticed something unusual. I see quite a few sentences which start with statements like, be a leader like Raj. Be a team player like Raj. You have to be a creative thinker like Raj. I find it quite odd that someone would use your name this many times in giving feedback to another employee. So I’m just going to cut right to the chase and ask you this. Were you behind that anonymous feedback?’

I paused for a moment. I was flustered, confused, speechless, and shocked all at the same time. And then I said, you know me. I’ll never do such a thing like that. And I lied. And then I went home.

My wife was out of state at a conference and I, being alone, started drinking, smoking cigars, taking extra anxiety pills, and had multiple panic attacks. I wasn’t myself. My legs were shaking. My hands felt numb. My entire body was trembling. My heart was pounding. I desperately needed to talk to someone, but there was no one there to listen to me.

I tried calling my wife several times. And after multiple attempts, she finally picked up the phone. She said she was available only for a couple of minutes. I was crying profusely because I wanted to know how to get out of the situation I put myself in. Because that’s the thing about toxicity.

When you affect people, the toxic residue still remains on your hands. You could either try to hide it, or come clean. My wife reassured me that everything was going to be okay, and the only way to get out of this situation was to come clean.

But even then, I was trying to hide my toxic residue. I did four 30-minute rounds of meditation, thinking I’d get these ideas to get out of this situation. Like in the movies, where a person does meditation, and then gets this sudden awakening, and magically he 0or she will think about something that changes their lives. Yeah, that did not happen to me that day.

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I started writing down all my feelings, and I looked at it for about an hour, over and over again. I could visually see who I had become, and what I was going through for several years. Suddenly everything became so real to me. I realized it was time. It was time for me to make a change.

But why did I go through the tsunami of emotions? Because I’d gotten caught. I was guilty, and leaned into my toxic traits to get whatever I wanted.

Now, how will you know if you have toxic traits? You’ll know if you constantly compare yourself with other people. Your self-worth is driven by the latest results. You cannot celebrate other people’s success, because it makes you feel angry and jealous. What we need to notice here is, people aren’t generally toxic. A person isn’t a 100% toxic human. We all have toxic traits, and it gets amplified when you face three kinds of symptoms.

State Of High Stress

Recognizing these symptoms can help you lead from a place of positivity, and can protect others from the harm as well. The first symptom to look out for is a state of high stress. Anyone can become a toxic leader, and it gets amplified during stressful situations.

Just think about it. When is a parent more likely to yell at their child? Are any one of us likely to exhibit changes in our behavior? It’s during times of stress.

The pandemic is a breeding ground for stress. According to the American Psychology Association, nearly 8 in 10 adults say that the coronavirus pandemic has caused a significant source of stress in their lives. And most of these people are in leadership roles. But how are they coping with the demands of life, coupled with survival?

Unfortunately, I had to deal with this for quite some time. And it took forth awareness to have the ability to identify situations that could compel me to respond in a toxic manner, which was not both healthy or supportive. Ultimately, these toxic traits, when repeated over a period of time, it makes you have decent space towards these actions.

So from a thick, deep Texas accent, you already probably know I was not born in the United States. I grew up the younger of two kids in a conservative middle class family, living in the southern part of India. I was the average Joe. Well, in India, I was the average Raj, because that was one of the most common names.

And focusing on academics was not really my thing. I had other interests and passions, like hanging out with friends and playing outdoor sports. And by the way, I was never really into indoor sports, including playing video games. Yes, I’m a rare exception for being a nerd.

But at a young age, I developed this inferiority complex, believing that I was not good enough. I developed these feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, stress, and high self-doubt. So when I finally started leading teams, I made a vow that I’ll always make people respect me.

So I started saying yes to every opportunity that comes my way. But the thing is, life shapes itself based on the things you say yes to and the things you say no to. And one of the side effects of saying yes to everything is that you overwork yourself. For over a decade, I pushed myself so much that I bent back into this place of anxiety, stress, and depression, which I once wanted to escape.

State Of Emotional Numbness

And this gave rise to a lot of toxic traits which were harming other people. But I did it anyways because I wanted to succeed. Ultimately, when these toxic traits are repeated consistently over a period of time, you get desensitized towards your actions. And that is the second symptom to look out for, a state of emotional numbness.

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People become emotionally numb to protect themselves from further pain and suffering. You are your actions, even during times of difficulty. Remember, the toxic residue still remains on your hands.

Growing up, I was always the underdog. Well, I guess that’s why I still root for the Cleveland Browns. And I had this constant fear that I was disappointing people, which stems from my childhood experience. So when I finally got into leadership roles, I decided that people should always notice me.

Space Of Insecurity

So I started making decisions which are harming other people. But I did it anyways. And ultimately, when the cycle series of actions that led me to harm other people and became part of who I was, and these toxic traits and habits, when it starts affecting other people, you completely become desensitized towards them.

And it becomes a normal part of who you are. And one of the consequences of being desensitized towards your actions is you become highly insecure. Your insecurity is your worst enemy. It’s like a tumor which grows bigger and bigger and starts affecting every living organism around it. So that is the third symptom to look out for, that is a space of insecurity, especially job insecurity.

Now more than ever, people are anxious about what will occur in the future. And this creates feelings of insecurity that increases the likelihood of one tapping into their own toxic traits, especially those in leadership roles. I was highly insecure throughout my life because I was in this constant fear that I was being ignored.

So when I finally started leading teams and was in a position of leadership, I decided that it will never happen again. People should always notice me and I should always be in the spotlight. I had the hunger for recognition, the willingness to do anything to succeed.

I’m pretty sure many of us here can identify with that. But the reality was I was highly insecure about myself and my job. I thought people were looking at every step I take. But the actual reality is no one cares about what you do. They see only the actions and the results.

So when you start seeing patterns where you’re becoming defensive, you’re micromanaging, you constantly want to be in the limelight, then you’re highly insecure and it’s time to make a change.

Toxic leaders at the workplace have made life unbearable for employees. And these employees start repeating the same behavior when they get into leadership roles. And this creates a never-ending cycle. And this has to stop. And that’s what I decided to do. I decided to break this cycle.

So the next morning, I scheduled a meeting with my boss at 7 a.m. just in a few hours after I’d gone through all these emotions. I told her I was not in the right frame of mind when I was writing the feedback. And there was no excuse for my actions. I finally confessed. And I said, I did it.

I’m the living proof that power and credibility can still make you feel isolated and empty. And this could propel you to do a lot of toxic actions that are detrimental to others. One of the big challenges, we are living in a cancel culture society. We see instances of people messing up, being toxic and getting completely shunned from society because of it.

So toxic leaders are afraid to admit to their mistakes and make a change. Yet, when you see the person behind the actions and bring the behavior to the leader’s attention, we can give permission for other toxic leaders to be vulnerable and deal with their insecurities. You can help them come out of the closet and take action towards positive change.

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My ask for all of us today is, if you are in a leadership role and notice any of these symptoms which I have covered during this talk, that is stress, emotional numbness, insecurity, then recognize that it’s never too late to make a change. You can rebuild trust once it’s broken if you own up to your actions and show the courage and confidence to make a positive change.

Remember, change starts with every individual, every leader, and you are a leader in your own right.

Thank you.

Want a summarized version of this talk, here it is:

Summary:

Raj Subrameyer, a Tech Career Strategist, delved into the profound topic of toxic leadership in his talk titled “Confessions of a Toxic Leader” at TEDxManitouSprings. With introspection and vulnerability, he shared his personal journey from a seemingly innocent upbringing to recognizing and rectifying his own toxic traits as a leader.

Subrameyer began by acknowledging that toxic leaders often start as seemingly good individuals, but gradually, their actions negatively impact those around them. He emphasized that everyone has leadership roles, whether at work, school, or home, and every interaction has an effect on others.

He discussed three key symptoms that lead to toxic leadership. The first symptom is a state of high stress. He drew parallels to how individuals are more prone to display negative behavior during stressful situations, such as parents yelling at their children. The ongoing pandemic has amplified stress levels, particularly for those in leadership positions, but it’s crucial to recognize and manage these stress-induced toxic behaviors.

The second symptom Subrameyer highlighted is a state of emotional numbness. He shared how repeated toxic actions can desensitize individuals to their own behavior, leading to emotional detachment as a defense mechanism against pain and suffering.

The third symptom is a space of insecurity, particularly job insecurity. He pointed out that toxic leaders are often deeply insecure, which can manifest as defensive behavior, micromanagement, and an overwhelming need for recognition. This insecurity perpetuates a cycle of toxic actions.

Subrameyer’s own journey to self-discovery occurred after being confronted with evidence of his toxic behavior. He confessed to manipulating feedback under an alias, leading to a cascade of emotions, panic attacks, and a feeling of isolation. The turning point was when his wife advised him to come clean, initiating his path toward positive change.

He emphasized that recognizing these symptoms and taking accountability are essential steps in breaking the cycle of toxic leadership. Subrameyer encouraged leaders to acknowledge their mistakes and insecurities, urging them to make a positive change rather than fearing societal consequences.

In conclusion, Subrameyer urged leaders to take action against toxic behaviors, emphasizing that individual change can lead to a more positive and supportive leadership environment. He conveyed the importance of owning up to actions, rebuilding trust, and fostering a culture where leaders become more self-aware and willing to make constructive changes.