Read the full transcript of Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe’s speech at Donald Trump’s campaign event at Madison Square Garden in New York City, New York on October 27, 2024.
Listen to the audio version here:
TRANSCRIPT:
Madison Square Garden, how we feeling, huh? Wow, isn’t this special. 17 years ago I was sleeping in my car behind the Comedy Store in LA and I’m proud to say this is my fourth time performing at Madison Square Garden, the most famous arena in the damn world. The American dream alive and well right here.
This is very different than where I’m used to performing though. I’m used to night time with people drinking, not so many babies in the crowd and people that are obviously only here for Lee Greenwood tonight. Normally I don’t make my political beliefs a known thing, it’s divisive for a comedian to do that but just know I sleep well at night knowing who I’m voting for.
MyPillow Endorsement
Yeah. When I lay down and my head hits my MyPillow. It is a fantastic pillow by the way. I was staying at the Four Seasons up by Central Park one night and I laid my head down and it felt so good and I thought to myself what an amazing pillow.
I have a little bit of money now, I could buy a good pillow and I took the pillowcase off and there it was, MyPillow, MyPillow, MyPillow and damn it I bought four of them. And if you use the promo code KILLTONY you can also buy four MyPillows.
Politics and State Commentary
There’s serious stuff happening people. I live in the great state of Texas now. 18 years in Ohio, 20 years in California and I got to see California turn to absolute, a horrendous, horrendous thing. And traveling the world, I got to see San Francisco turn into one of the most demented cities, one of the greatest downfalls I’ve ever seen.
And that is where the other candidate worked for two decades. It’s absolutely wild to see.
Immigration Commentary
And in Texas stuff is really, really crazy. We’re right there by a wide open border. Where are my proud Latinos at tonight? You guys see what I mean, it’s wide open. There’s so many of them. It’s absolutely incredible. Believe it or not people, I welcome migrants to the United States of America with open arms. And by open arms I mean like this…
It’s wild. And these Latinos, they love making babies too, just know that. They do. They do. There’s no pulling out. They don’t do that. They come inside, just like they did to our country. Republicans of the party with a good sense of humor.
Free Speech and Current Events
Free speech is under attack people. I host a show and each week I get updates on words we’re allowed to use and not use anymore. It’s happening right now the past few years. It’s a real thing.
And, you know, used to be able to tell people to Google stuff. My mom’s a boomer in the state of Ohio. And there’s no convincing her of anything. She’s eaten a cat. She’s eaten a dog. They’re eating the pets up there. It is absolutely wild times. It really, really is.
And, you know, there’s a lot going on. Like, I don’t know if you guys know this, but there’s literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. Yeah. I think it’s called Puerto Rico.
Sports and Entertainment
Again, normally I don’t follow the national anthem, everybody. This isn’t exactly a perfect comedy setup. There’s some people here. All right. Very good. I like it. I have other policies that I think should be implemented as well. Like, me personally, I think football should be all year round.
Yeah. So many great athletes. I don’t know about you guys, but I think that Travis Kelce might be the next OJ Simpson. Feels good in here. The other side’s got a lot of crazy endorsements. Swift, Eminem, Leo DiCaprio, Beyonce. Every day the Democratic Party looks more and more like a P. Diddy party.
Comedy Interactions
Oh. Oh, okay. Okay, that’s what you guys want. All right. Heck yeah. Cool black guy with a thing on his head. What the hell is that, a lampshade? Look at this guy. Oh my goodness. Wow. I’m just kidding. That’s one of my buddies. We had a Halloween party last night. We had fun. We carved watermelons together. It was awesome.
You guys are… This is a groany little morning crowd, huh? It’s tough to follow this audition for the next Commissioner Gordon’s over here. It is, though.
It’s crazy times we’re living in. I mean, all these pointless wars. It is unbelievable what’s happening right now. It is incredible. Ukraine versus Russia, Israel… It’s like bad soccer games. Who even cares? What are we doing? Why is our money involved in these wars?
When it comes to Israel and Palestine, we’re all thinking the same thing. “Settle your stuff already. Best out of three. Rock, paper, scissors. You know the Palestinians are going to throw rock every time. But you also know the Jews have a hard time throwing that paper.” You know what I’m saying?
Political Commentary
All right. We’re having fun now. We’re cooking. Hillary Clinton said that this is a Nazi rally here today. Can you believe that? For the most anti-war president of my entire lifetime. And she calls him Hitler. Let me remind you, Hillary. It was your husband who shot innocent people, or as he called them, interns.
Yeah, Hillary, I bet you did not see that one coming. By the way, if I commit suicide in three weeks, I didn’t. I mean, it’s just obvious to me who the right candidate is.
Recent Events Commentary
There’s a guy out here dodging bullets. It is unbelievable, right? He took it right in the ear. Unbelievable. I thought about this. I don’t know if you have. Coolest place to get shot. Like, if you’re going to get shot anywhere, on your body, that’s where you want it.
Right there. Technically, he got shot in the head. Depending on if you’re a Democrat or a Republican. Right? If you’re a Democrat, his ear was grazed. If you’re a Republican, he survived a head shot. It is. It’s the best place to get shot. It’s the only part of the human body that will drive a piercing through, like, a little girl’s ear for no reason. Right? It heals fast. Nobody cares.
It’s the best place to get shot. He went down, saw blood on his hands. I’d imagine he thought right then, I think I just won this shit. Stands up and says the most American words I’ve ever heard in my life. No, no, no, no. Before that, there was one more. “Let me get my shoes.” Fearless. Perhaps still was an active shooter. He’s talking like a guy that just had the best one night stand of his life. Right? Like, where’s my shoes at? I got to get the hell out of here. Let me get my shoes. And then the fight, fight, fight. What he did was so cool that Biden got COVID.
Oh, yeah. Go back. Look at the timeline of everything again. Three days after that. That means that Biden, he didn’t get that from hanging out with sick people. He was in a sterile room in the White House, watching blood running down Trump’s face as he pumps his fist. Biden’s like, “Oh, fuck. Oh, God, no.”
It’s true. Trump survived an assassination attempt and Biden got COVID. We vote next week. God voted three months ago.
Another great Austin, Texas resident, Elon Musk, will be speaking here later today. Unbelievable. Genius. You guys saw him shoot that rocket in outer space. The largest aircraft ever. Fires it off in this space and then parallel parks it back to planet Earth. Meanwhile, Kamala supporters can’t parallel park their Toyota Priuses properly.
Sorry, I listen to Elon Musk. I follow his lead. The world’s smartest, richest man has my attention. Except for when it comes to stock trading. Then I listen to Nancy Pelosi.
But censorship is amongst us people. It’s a very, very, very big deal. And I’m just here to say that you guys are for the right candidate.
Tell your friends, let’s close it out. And let’s make speech free again. Make America healthy again. Let’s beat the team from California. The team from New York should beat the team from California. Not only in this election, but in the World Series of Baseball. America’s sport. I love you, New York. God bless New York. God bless America. Let’s make it great again. I love you. Thank you. Welcome.
