Dating coach Evan Marc Katz presents No More Bad Dates at TEDxStJohns conference (Transcript)
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Evan Marc Katz – Dating coach
Ask a stranger: What do you think of online dating? What are they going to tell you? ‘I hate online dating. Online dating sucks. Men suck, women suck, profile suck. Everybody is stupid, everybody lies. Guys were in such a rush to meet. Nobody has anything interesting to say’. This is the going wisdom about online dating evidently.
Now I understand that. I will acknowledge that. I dated online for many years. I am a dating coach. So I understand. At the same time, complaining that online dating sucks is kind of like complaining that the gym is not helping you lose weight. I mean, it’s not the gym’s job. Think about it. Some gyms have better equipment, some gyms have better classes. But ultimately whether you lose weight is not up to the gym, it’s you — how often do you work out, how effectively, how intensely do you work out?
So as we frame today’s discussion, I just want you to consider not what’s wrong with online dating, which is valid, but rather what am I doing to yield the best possible results in online dating. That’s what we can control.
So I’m an unusual messenger for a number of reasons, not in the least of the fact that I love online dating. I mean I was like I’m that one guy who was like man, I love that crap. I moved to LA, I was 24-25 years old. I was a writer. I worked from home, wasn’t big on the club or the bar scene. So for me this was a natural fit, the same people that I didn’t necessarily have the courage or access to approach in real life, I could talk to them online, just by being cute friendly. And so I dated, no exaggeration, 300 people over the course of 10 years of online dating before I got married. I say with a mixture of pride and embarrassment.
So I had such a wonderful experience, such a unique experience that I started to coach the stuff. And now for over a decade, I’ve been helping people fall in love using online dating. I work with women, smart strong successful women from around the world of all ages helping them fall in love. I’ve helped a 41-year old woman in a wheelchair, a woman who was 80 pounds over weight, woman of 65 never been on a date before. These are my real clients who fell in love using the online dating system that I’m going to share with you today.
So if I sound somewhat evangelical about my own stuff, the reason why is that I’ve seen it work over and over and over again. And I’m very confident that it’s going to work for you.
So what’s wrong with online dating? To me, it’s not the online portion of online dating, the dating part of online dating. It’s the bad first date. You know what I’m talking about — someone has to know what I’m talking about you. You get dressed up, you drive across town, you sit at the coffee shop, and two minutes into the date, you’re like, ‘Oh my God! What am I doing here? Why does this happen to me over and over again? How do I keep on meeting these freaks?’ I don’t know the answer to that question. I bet you know the answer to that question. It’s instant gratification. We’re an instant gratification society. We’re texting, we’re tinder, how quickly can we make this stuff happen. That’s why you go on bad blind dates over and over and over again.
So I want to posit today that if you listen to what I’m about to share with you, you’re going to go on fewer bad dates, better first dates. And you’re going to move off-line from the dating site in less than a week. That’s not a tremendous time investment to ensure a higher quality experience. Yet this isn’t the way most people approach online dating.
So before we get into the nitty-gritty of how to do this, let’s establish one thing: Guys are terrible at online dating. I mean, you don’t even know how bad guys are on online dating. I hate to throw my whole gender under the bus but let’s roll him over, right?
I told the client that I was doing this presentation. I said, send me a picture of your inbox. I had no idea exactly what I was going to get in return. But this totally validated everything. 289 messages, subject headers: hello, hi, hi, none. Hello, hi, you are gorgeous, you’re so beautiful, very attractive. This is what women are dealing with. They have to make the best of that.
Now we know intellectually that not all guys are bad. This doesn’t mean these men are not relationship-oriented or intelligent. There’s something about the way people use this medium that isn’t working. And so we have to figure out what are these guys doing, why do they do this. Let’s put ourselves in their shoes and let’s have some sympathy for these guys.
The reason we’re talking about why guys are so bad at online dating is that they are the aggressors. They’re the ones who have to put themselves out. So it’s going to be a lot more obvious when they’re screwing up than women. So for women who get very scornful of men have a little sympathy for these poor Schmucks, right? They’re doing the best they can, it’s just not very good.
Guys get online, they see a bunch of attractive photos. And again for instant gratification, dating site gives you the option of doing the free wink. You know the free wink? It’s what guys do – wink, wink, wink, wink, wink. You’re a woman, you’ve got 289 emails, you’re going to pay attention to the guy who winked at you. No, you’re not. So the guys, they’re not dumb, they say, huh winking didn’t work very well. Maybe I got to work a little harder. So they do, beef up their profile a little bit, find some really attractive women, because you could only write to the really attractive ones. Why? Because they’re there.
So they write to the most attractive women, and they talk about why she’s great, why he’s great, how much they have in common and then maybe a thousand word autobiography about him, right? Puts 20 minutes into writing an email, hours and hours, sends out a dozen of them. Nobody writes back. Why? You’re a woman, you’ve got 289 emails. Do you want to read some guys’ autobiography, some stranger, of course not.
So his intention is pure, he’s trying to differentiate himself but it’s not working. He is inadvertently coming across as kind of needy, little over-the-top little stalker-ish. Not the goal, just the byproduct. So he says, huh, well, if writing all these long emails isn’t working, I guess it’s what they say, it’s a numbers game. So I got to play the number.