Full transcript of life and relationship coach Femi Ogunjinmi’s TEDx Talk: How To Tell If Someone Truly Loves You at TEDxXavierUniversity conference. This event occurred on November 1, 2018. Femi Ogunjinmi is the author of the book Revelations of Relationship: What You Don’t Know About Finding True Love and Sustaining Relationship.
NOTABLE QUOTE FROM THIS TALK:
“True love that is not backed up by the right action is not true love.”
Femi Ogunjinmi – Life & Relationship Coach
By show of hands, how many of you have ever gotten in a relationship because you felt that you were in love? Very good. Good.
How many of you’ve ever broken up and say to the person you don’t deserve me? Uh-huh.
As a matter of fact, I don’t even know how I fell in love with you in the first place. Oh, I know you were drunk in love, right?
In my line of field, as a relationship coach, clients come to me with their love problems. One client wants me to evaluate her relationship. She’s being with her boyfriend for over four years. There is no promise ring, no engagement ring, no conversation about wedding.
And on top of it is cheating on her. She wants to know if she should continue with the relationship or kick the guy to the curb.
So I asked her: “How many times has he cheated on you?”
She says at least four times. When a lady says at least four times, multiply that by 2 – 8 times.
“Do you love him?”
“Yes”, she replies.
“Does he love you?”
“He says he does but his action does not show it.”
“What action specifically?”
“The cheating”.
“If you loved someone, would you cheat on them? If you truly loved someone, would you cheat on them at least four times, multiplied by 2?”
She says no.
Well if your answer is no, then you know what to do. True love that is not backed up by the right action is not true love.
Another client says he’s happy in his relationship. He loves his girl but he’s cheating on the side with a married woman. And they are both in love together. And he does not know how he got himself in this situation.
I said you know how you got yourself in this mess. You shifted your focus from your girl to someone else. You divided your attention and your emotions.
Someone who used to owe the first priority on your heart no longer hold that position. That’s how you got yourself in this mess.
“So what do you want to do?”
He says he would like the married woman to be able to manage the situation.
“What do you mean by this?”
“Well, every time the woman is with her husband, she always thinks about him, and does not want the husband to get suspicious so that he does not stop the affair.”
I’m like, wait a minute. So you want to continue having this affair with this woman? He says yes.
Really? How would your girlfriend feel about this? Put yourself in her shoes. You have a boyfriend who says he is happy with you, is in love with you but at the same time he’s cheating with someone else that is falling in love with him? Can you actually love two people at the same time?
He says I don’t want any changes. I just want the situation to remain the same. I want to keep both women in my life.
I said wow, you are just like McDonald’s slogan. You are loving it; aren’t you?
Love is powerful.
According to a survey, about 9 out of 10 Americans cited love as an important factor to get married. Past statistics show that 50% of first marriages, 67% of second marriages, and a staggering high of 73% of third marriages end up in divorce.
The question is: if love is an important factor that influences people to get married, how come it does not hold the marriage?
HOW COME IT DOES NOT HOLD THE RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER?
When we examine love in a breakup, I believe one of three things has happened. It’s either one: there was no love at the beginning of the relationship to start with.
Two, there was something bigger than the love that broke the relationship.
Or, three, the love declined.
I can understand when you feel like your love is depreciating, and you tell your partner I just don’t love you right now, especially when you are having a meal together.
And your partner becomes inquisitive to ask why, because he just ate the last piece of the pie. If you love me you will let me have it. That’s what you say right ladies.
At the same token, I believe there is nothing bigger than love that can break a relationship. Absolutely nothing. If the couple truly loves each other.
And that is what I want to talk to you about today.
TRUE LOVE
There are different types of love out there. You have the Filial Love which is brotherly love. It is what you share with your family, friends or colleagues.
Another one is Eros. It’s a sexual type of love. It gives the feelings of arousal. This is what you feel when you see a beautiful sexy person just walking pass.
And you’re like, oohh… you cannot stop looking at them. You cannot hold yourself together. You begin to fantasize and have all kind of imagination about that person. You are having Eros type of love.
The next one is what Mary J. Blige called Real Love. Y’all know the song real love, oh I’m searching for real love. So I want to make my heart feel real love… and we are still trying to understand what she meant by real love.
You see all these types of love cannot sustain a relationship. They cannot hold a relationship together. But true love which the Bible also describes as Agape Love can hold a relationship together, can keep a relationship for a long haul.
WHAT IS TRUE LOVE?
True love is passionate love. You have two independent words: passion and love fused together to make a strong definition. Passion is the force that drives the love for something. It’s default that keeps love going.
Love without passion is like a body without a soul. It’s like a car without an engine, no movement would happen.
And just in case, you are wondering how you can tell if someone truly loves you, or if you truly love someone? Sacrifice.
Sacrifice for one another will indicate if you truly love each other. And sacrifice is given up something for another thing that is far more important, just like giving up that piece of pie for your girl, that is far more important.
Or it’s the release of something in your possession in an exchange for another thing that you love.
This is exactly what God did when he released and sacrificed his only son Jesus just to have us. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.
God demonstrated true love, Agape love — love filled with passion and sacrifice.
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