Personal life is hard. When I was 7 years old, there was a girl I really liked, but I didn’t know how to tell her. I decided I would learn from a 10-year-old who seemed unusually swave. He went up to the girl’s porch and drew this: “I love you.” He knocked on the girl’s door, pointed and said, “I did this for you.” And the girl was thoroughly entranced. I decided to follow the same idea, but wanted to show that I mastered words as well as art.
So I drew this, “I love you,” a female sheep. I knocked on the girl’s door, she came out and I said, “I did this for you.” She screamed and ran back into the house. It turned out that she had thought I had sacrificed the eyes and the heart of a sheep to prove my devotion. The moral was obvious: 10-year-olds aren’t great emotional experts.
You could draw the conclusions, too, I suppose. Well, in the 21st century, we have a lot easier ways to learn about emotion, in fact, we are blessed with one of the greatest experts in social and emotional intelligence, Barney the Dinosaur. For those of you who don’t recognize him, Barney was the character, incredibly popular on children’s television for many years. And as famous as he was, even more famous, was his theme song which started, “I love you, you love me.” I’m sure it’s familiar to many of you.
I decided it’d be important to deconstruct that song, to understand exactly what lessons Barney could teach us about social and emotional life. So, let’s start, and forgive the quality of my singing (Sings) I love you. No, wait a minute! Here is someone who’s never met you, will never meet you and is arguably fictional, yet he can claim his deep and abiding love for you.
But on the other hand, religious leaders have been doing that for a long time, so maybe it’s not so troubling. Right, let’s keep going (Sings) I love you, you love me. Wait! Someone who has never seen you can claim to understand your deepest and most profound feelings, or are they that deep and profound if someone can know them without knowing you, right? (Sings) I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family. Stop!
There’s lots of questions about the changing American family, but whatever it is supposed to look like, it probably didn’t include a purple dinosaur. And even more so, it says that family can be people we never actually have to interact with, OK? (Sings) I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you Stop! I always thought the nice things about hugs and kisses was the physicality, you actually touch someone, but now Barney tells us the mere indication, the virtual is as good as the real. This isn’t just symbolism, that’s all there is. (Sings) I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me, won’t you say you love me too. Stop!
Barney is teaching us that we can express our deepest feelings without ever worrying whether the other person hears it. In fact, we should throw our feelings out into the world, and whoever hears some, is just fine, OK? The second verse is even more frightening, starts the same (Sings) I love you, you love me and in a line only Mark Zuckerberg would write (Sings) We’re friends as friends should be. Stop!
Now, of all the models of friendship you imagined, you probably didn’t include one that involves never interacting, or seeing, or talking with the person who is your friend. Who are the best friends? Facebook friends OK, so this is the world of emotion. So we now have to ask the question: “If 10-year-olds won’t be experts, if Barney is not an expert, how will we learn about emotion?” Now, you may think that’s a misguided question because maybe the idea emotional life is hard, really isn’t true. After all, we can all tell that this guy is very happy, even if you ever looked like that, you’d need plastic surgery, he still seems quite content.
Conversely, this guy is really mad, the eyebrows and the mouth tell the whole story. So, clearly, we can recognize emotions. In fact, we don’t even need faces to indicate emotion, we can tell that the guy on the left is happier and more excited than the person on the right, who is clearly sad and subdued. And in fact, the brain is devoted, in fact, structurally obsessed with emotion. We have parts of the brain devoted to positive emotions, to negative emotions, to detecting, producing, managing emotion in faces, in voices, in words, in body postures, in all sorts of other things.
So, really our brains are really good at emotion, all we have to do, is to pay attention, and to think about what we see. Well, paying attention to other people was not really a challenge to most of human history. We’ve now confronted a revolution which starts in the early and middle stages of the Industrial Revolution, which is partial oh, I’m sorry. So, emotional intelligence requires attention. But, as I mentioned, to achieve that attention we have to look. And the challenge to that is something called Partial Media Displacement. Very simply, that’s a theory that says: “Every time a new technology or service appears, the first thing that happens is pretty obvious. It steals time from other information services.” Movies stole time from books, radio stole time from movies, television stole time from radio, internet stole time from television, et cetera.