Read the full transcript of author David Deida’s interview on Modern Wisdom podcast, May 23, 2026.
Editor’s Note: In this highly anticipated episode of Modern Wisdom, host Chris Williamson sits down with esoteric author and spiritual teacher David Deida for his first interview in over a decade. Together, they explore Deida’s latest book, The Man of Zero, delving into the unique evolutionary phase where a man’s striving, ambition, and traditional sense of purpose dissolve into profound stillness. The conversation offers deep, unfiltered insights into masculinity, the emptiness of success, and how relationships and intimacy transform when a man learns to operate from true presence.
INTRODUCTION
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: What’s happening, people? Before we get into the episode, I wanted to give you a disclaimer. David didn’t show his face when we were recording. David’s a pretty esoteric guy, decided that he’s going to retreat from the world. He’s living in a house in the middle of nowhere in Florida, I think. And even though it might have been nice to have seen his face, it’s completely on brand. So we’ve tried to make it as engaging as possible. I hope you enjoy the episode.
What is a man of zero?
What Is a Man of Zero?
DAVID DEIDA: Well, to me, a man of zero is somebody who has come to the point in their life where their motivation has evaporated or isn’t there. They feel they still might be very active. They may be married. They may have children. They may have businesses. They might be creative. But under it all, there’s just a feeling like, “Why am I doing this? And part of me would rather not do anything.” Kind of feeling. And I noticed a lot of men feeling that, that I was interacting with over the years. And so I wanted to address that.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Is this the next stage after The Superior Man? Is this a spiritual sequel to The Way of the Superior Man?
DAVID DEIDA: It’s a kind of sequel, but it’s not necessarily a stage progression. So somebody might go into the phase — I’ll use the word phase — of a man of zero. And then after a month, a year, a decade, whatever, they may come back to being the superior man.
To me, what a superior man is, is a man who is motivated by a deep sense of purpose. And that sense of purpose might be to discover their purpose, but they’re motivated by a sense of purpose, often to serve the world or to give their gift or to make things right. And when that evaporates, or when they no longer feel that, that’s the beginning of the phase of the man of zero.
Now, it may last a very short time, may last a long time, the man of zero phase. So they may eventually go back to a new purpose. For instance, for myself, this book emerged out of nowhere as a kind of, “Oh, I should write this book. I need to write this book.” So it just came out of nowhere, and then the discipline of writing a book, of working with publishers and all of that, that takes effort. So that came up. I was working in kind of a superior man phase for a while, and we’ll see if I could get through this interview without resting back.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: If you degenerate into total apathy, we’ll know that you’ve gone back into man of zero phase.
Pure Presence, Not Apathy
DAVID DEIDA: It’s not exactly apathy. I’m glad you said that. It’s a clarity. It’s pure presence. It’s pure awareness. It’s being absolutely present with the moment, but just not having an urge to push and change things. Like, you’re deeply content with the way things are, but that doesn’t stop you from changing things. It just means you’re not stressed.
Most men have a kind of kernel of stress in their gut or their heart or their solar plexus that moves them to do something. Well, the man of zero — what happens when that stress isn’t there? What are you moved to do? Like, how does the universe use you? How does that deeper thing that’s beyond you move through you? Because in the superior man phase, one is motivated mostly by their personal sense of purpose rather than being kind of used by something much larger, if size even has meaning.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: I think it doesn’t exactly paint a very flattering picture of where most people’s striving comes from.
DAVID DEIDA: What doesn’t paint a flattering picture?
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: The fact that when you get to this restful, no longer needing to prove yourself, you notice how much of your ambition and your pushing seems to fall away. What that would suggest is that without some of the drives, needs for validation and recognition, past patterns that are puppeting you, maybe you wouldn’t be pushing quite so much.
DAVID DEIDA: Definitely. But I don’t think that’s a negative thing. That’s just an evolution, a way of growth. I mean, some of my favorite music, say, was probably created by artists who were doing it so they could get laid. Sometimes people do something for money, but it’s really a work of art. It’s really a beautiful thing that they’re creating. Some people have a sense of lack of self-worth, let’s say, that they inherited from their childhood. And yet that lack of self-worth motivates them to create real art, real beauty on earth. So it’s not necessarily a negative thing that people are motivated. It’s just at some point I wanted to account for what happens when those motivations are no longer sufficient to move you.
The World Is Shaped by People Trying to Prove Themselves
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Oh, I agree. The world is shaped by people trying to prove themselves to themselves and others. And much of that motivation is running away from something that you fear, not just towards something that you want.
I guess, what are the indicators that you’ve reached this stage? Let’s say that you were to explain to the avatar of the person that’s going through it, how would they know? What are the indicators that you’re becoming a man of zero or become one?
Indicators of Becoming a Man of Zero
DAVID DEIDA: Well, the first part of the book, The Man of Zero, is several chapters dedicated to this. Basically, you’re just no longer motivated like you used to be. You might look at your friends, say, and they seem motivated. They seem okay. They seem like they have a reason to get up in the morning and go forward. Why don’t you?
There’s a kind of — well, you could either call it peace or you could call it lack of stress in your heart or in your depths. And many men then assume that’s an issue, that’s a problem, because they’ve been motivated, like you say, for many reasons, and suddenly they’re just not — it doesn’t move. It’s not sufficient to move them anymore. It feels false. It feels like a false life. It feels like they’re not living true to their deepest self.
And temporarily, their deepest self wants to do nothing, which to me is a portal. Like, if men learned how to do nothing impeccably — so not get on their phone or look at pornography or watch movies or whatever people might do when they don’t want to do anything — if instead men just took a moment and really were present, totally aware, like crystal clear, not pulling away, not pushing anything, something emerges from that.
So when you’re able to just sit — or you could do it walking, it doesn’t matter at all — but if you could just be, that being then begins to unfold through your life, through your body and mind. And your body and mind are conditioned, like your body and mind are trained a certain way. So when that being flows through your body and mind, it’ll look different than when that being flows through my body and mind. I’m not sure if that’s answering your question.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: It certainly does. It’s a kind of stillness indicator — you’re comfortable with peace. But it seems to me that it’s almost like a deceleration in striving is one of the sort of core components here. The need to do, the need to be busy.
DAVID DEIDA: That’s a core component — the sense of seeking for something, whether it’s self-validation or peace on Earth, whatever you’re seeking just somehow dissolves and you’re left with just being.
So again, most men, they get to that place of just being and they think it’s negative. Like, “I need to take testosterone,” or “I need to drink more caffeine,” or whatever. They feel like they need to do something to get their mojo back, where in fact, that is their mojo. Their mojo is leading them to relax their body and mind, to become transparent to their being, their deepest being.
And it could take time, it might not take time. It’s not predictable. But once you’re living from that place of being, there’s a through-and-through sense of authenticity. There’s not a sense like something’s lacking that you’re trying to fill, or stress that you’re trying to release. It’s just a fullness of being that’s living your life.
It’s the same force, let’s say, that’s growing trees and moving your blood. And your thoughts are just appearing out of nowhere. Nobody knows what they’re about to think. Nobody’s actually planning on — it just — their thoughts come out of nowhere. Their body comes out of nowhere. Their experience of everything — what they hear, what they see — is just appearing. And when they could stay there because they have no motive to move, then that appearance — you begin to see some principles of those appearances, but you’re free. Things are appearing. You may act on them, but the essential feeling is one of freedom.
When Success Stops Feeling Meaningful
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Yeah, I think what’s really interesting here is it feels like the moment when your success stops feeling meaningful and your striving is no longer rewarding you in the same way. And what you’re saying is that some men kind of get to there — they get to this escape velocity where they are in this phase of zero, this man of zero moment.
And what they do is, because for almost all of their life where they have taken meaning from has been progress, difficulty, hard charging, driving forward, doing things, making shit happen, fulfilling their ambition — and when it’s gone, they don’t think, “Oh wow, I’ve completed that video game.” They think, “I need to change my conditions with caffeine or imagined or real enemies or higher testosterone level or a divorce or whatever it might be,” in an attempt to reignite the heart of this dead star that is supposed to kind of be let to cool for a little while.
DAVID DEIDA: Yes, exactly. It’s healthy and appropriate for the motivations of your body and mind that had moved you in the past to come to stillness, and then to discover the truth of what’s left.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: That’s so good. So question on this: why does success eventually feel empty?
DAVID DEIDA: Well, it only felt full because you had these thoughts and feelings of lack and goals that you described. Anyone who’s succeeded at anything knows that — the first thing you discover when you succeed at anything is, “Okay, I’ve made a zillion dollars, I’ve got the beautiful woman,” or whatever their thing is. And there they are. They’re the same one. They’re the same being that they were before.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: The question was, “Was that it?”
DAVID DEIDA: Well, it wasn’t. I mean, you had to do it. There’s no reason to not. Like, if you’re motivated to make a lot of money or you’re motivated to find a partner or to have sex with a lot of people or whatever one’s motivation is, you can explore that. I mean, that’s what human birth is for — to explore all the possibilities of being human.
But there comes a point if you mature — and it could be at any age, a lot of people due to psychedelics and all kinds of things are coming to this point early in their life — but there comes a point where it’s just empty. The tone is emptiness, meaninglessness. They’re just there in their mansion, whatever their situation is. And it’s like nothing really has changed essentially. Things have changed externally — bigger house, whatever — but essentially they’re the same one. And that’s disappointing to people. They think there should be some, “I feel differently.”
Who Becomes a Man of Zero?
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Does this mean therefore that becoming a man of zero is more common among people — guys who have achieved — in that in order to realize that success is empty, you need to have achieved some success? If you are lower down the sort of ladder, still striving with more unfulfilled desires and goals and accomplishments that as yet you haven’t reached, you’re more likely to keep playing that game as opposed to arriving at this position of stillness?
DAVID DEIDA: I think a large percentage of these men have achieved a modicum of success and have come to that point of meaninglessness. However, I think more and more younger men, before they’ve flexed their muscles in the world, before they’ve achieved success — often due to a meditative experience — I mean, people can have these deep experiences now cheaply, so they could have an unearned glimpse of infinity and they could come to a place of “Why do anything?” very early in life, before success. And their practice would be the same as the successful person’s practices outlined in the Man of Zero book.
Spiritual Bypass
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Yeah, it’s referred to as spiritual bypass by some of my friends that sort of do a lot of psychedelics. People go away to the Amazon rainforest, they sit with the shaman, they have this transcendent experience, they touch the divine, they feel the infinite, and then they come back and they’re the same prick that they were 2 weeks ago. There’s no integration, nothing changes. They’ve just visited this peak moment, kind of like a tourist going on holiday, to come back and go back to their normal day-to-day life.
The Nature of Being and the Man of Zero
DAVID DEIDA: Yes. And the key insight in that and psychedelics altogether is that you’re— you said like you’re the same. I don’t remember what you said. You’re the same prick you were beforehand, something like that. The thing to recognize is you are the same one, whatever that is. You don’t have to call it a prick, but you actually are the same one.
So no experience changes yourself. Your being is— let’s just call, it doesn’t matter what we could call our deepest being, being or aware being. It’s what’s always there. It’s what’s there when we were 5 or 10 years old, or it’s what’s there now in this moment and this moment and this moment. Things keep changing. Our experience changes, but that sense of I or being is continuous.
So if you could really recognize that, if you could use, say, psychedelics and go, “I’m the same being before I took psychedelics, during the trip, and afterwards,” then the practice is to rest as that being. So the psychedelics themselves may afford healing of different kinds of the body and mind. It may give you visions of kind of parallel worlds to the one our waking state is used to. Those can be interesting, that could be useful, but the one who’s having those visions is the same one who, you know, eats lunch and takes a shit.
Hitting Zero: Depression or Evolution?
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: What’s the psychological experience of hitting zero? I imagine this gets confused for depression a lot.
DAVID DEIDA: Definitely. So there are some cases of true clinical depression, for instance, biochemical imbalances that could be addressed through pharmacological means. Or you can go into a kind of depression because you lose someone you love or fail at something that you’ve spent years trying to succeed. Sometimes those are what I would call true depression.
But what most people experience in my— what I’m trying to describe is that they come to a point where their actual life is meaningless, that there’s no more meaning anymore. And so they feel, what do I do now? And then what they add is a sense of collapse. So being, being, just being your deepest self without collapse is the Man of Zero. Being, being, and then collapsing, literally collapsing, contracting in your solar plexus, hunching over, kind of getting in that dark mullet, you know, what am I doing? It’s all mulling things over. That’s depression.
So if you subtract the doing, if you go to true zero, so you’re not even doing contracting, you’re not doing slouching, you’re not doing the mulling of the thoughts, then what’s left is being without collapse. And that’s the man of zero.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: How do people distinguish that in the moment? Because I think the fear that’s going to come up— it sounds great. We can rationally identify, well, the main difference is the collapse, the stillness, the deceleration, becoming comfortable with it. But in the moment, you’re not going to be thinking rationally at all. You’re going to think, where did all of my drive and ambition go?
And you’re going to look around at all of your friends who you used to work with or compete with or have a rivalry or a friendship with and go, they’re still congruent. They’re still aligned. Their thoughts, words, actions, beliefs, direction in life is all moving in the same direction. And I don’t even know— I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to get up. I’m not driven by the same things anymore. This feels like depression. This must be what depression is.
So how would you advise someone in the moment to have faith that this is an evolution, not a devolution, progress, not regression?
Resting as Your True Self
DAVID DEIDA: One way— there are several ways, but one way would be to, so let’s take this moment now. If you’re thinking thoughts in this moment, let’s say those thoughts were, “My friends are succeeding,” or everything that you just said, those are thoughts that are going by. If you can see those thoughts or witness those thoughts, you see them come and go. Like there’s a beginning of a thought, there’s a thought, it’s over. Now there’s another thought. So there’s these thoughts that are moving and it’s not that difficult to see that you’re still there. The thoughts are changing. You are not. You are experiencing those thoughts. The experience changes, the thoughts change, but you are not.
And so you— it’s hard to put words on it. You sink into that being or you rest as that being, or you relax as that being. And then those thoughts may or may not continue. But if you buy into those thoughts, that’s what contracts you. So if you start getting lost in the thoughts or lost in anything, lost in a sexual relationship, lost in your work, but when you get lost in those thoughts, you feel suffering because you’re not yourself, true self. You’re lost in the stream of thoughts.
So the checking is, are you free? Even if thoughts are moving, are you free as they move? Are you the awareness or the space of awareness, however you want to say it, in which those thoughts are moving? And if you can stay there, just rest, relax there, it’s effortless. It’s just what you always are. So if you feel that effort coming up, you know you’re missing the mark.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: It’s interesting that so much of what I think a lot of men do is hide away from the fleeting thoughts, the scary fleeting thoughts, and the patterns that only come up in moments of stillness and quiet by staying busy. So this must be— it’s almost like a perfect storm. The drive that kept you busy is no longer there. And as the busyness falls away because you’re less driven, the quiet fleeting thoughts come up, which you’ve been hiding away from for a long time, which is even scarier. And that then gives you more to contend with, which incentivizes you even more to push away the phase of zero and go back into the drive and the pursuit.
Surfacing the Suppressed
DAVID DEIDA: It’s kind of worse than that. Because we’ve suppressed a lot. So let’s say you told a lie to somebody. This is just one example. Let’s say you told a lie to a business partner. Or to your wife or whoever, or maybe just to yourself, but you’ve told a lie and then for some gain, personal gain, you know, so you told a lie and now that moment has passed, but you know, you’ve told the lie that creates a kind of contraction or tension in your body and mind.
And when you come to this place of zero, all of those tensions from your entire life, all the ways you’ve lied to yourself and others come back to the surface. So you’ll be sitting there and a memory of this person you lied to will come up. It could even be deeper than that. So we have a genetic past and an epigenetic past and an ancestral past. And so just even at the mammalian level, we have— you know, mammals, we’re mammals. And mammals fight and f and run. And so you’ll be sitting there and the mammalian urges to kill and f will arise. And the moments you’ve lied to people and hurt them, those moments will arise and they’re arising to your awareness to be released. It’s a kind of purification. Like you said, they’ve been stuffing them down. So it’s quite the ride. You know, it’s not like a vanilla, you know, so you have to be— that’s why I wrote the book, because I want men to understand that and be able to tolerate that unfolding.
Effectiveness and the Game Beyond the Game
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Does real-world effectiveness become less for a while?
DAVID DEIDA: I would say the interest becomes less, but if you’ve become effective, that stays there. Your skills are not diminished. So your skills—
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: What’s the judgment by which we’re saying effective is or is not here? If it’s playing a game that you’ve now liberated yourself from, then yeah, you’re less effective at playing the game, but you’ve also transcended it.
DAVID DEIDA: Yeah, I’m not even sure you’re less effective at playing the game. You’re just less moved to, but if the game is kind of put on you, you might even be more skilled because you’re less wound up in your own issues.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Yeah, that’s fun. That is fun. So I mean, what’s so cool about this— I’ve been doing this live show. I went to Australia, New Zealand, and Bali. I just got back from that. And on stage, I was trying to thread a needle that was potentially really unpopular and also really hard to do. And it was basically warning people of the hollowness of arriving.
And it really feels like there’s something there in the ether that you’ve definitely touched with this. And I think I was trying to get to as well. One of the challenges, I think, when it comes to people learning this stuff is if you haven’t yet got there, if you haven’t yet got to the point where you’ve felt enough success and achievement to peer over the top of it and see that it might not be all that you thought or you hoped that it was going to be, if someone who appears to have already made it to the top of the mountain is telling you that the view from the top is not that good, what it feels like to you is someone sucking the oxygen out of your fuel tank.
That people respond to this with an awful lot of distaste. Like, what a luxurious position to be in. Or some other version of, well, if I’d got there, that would fix my internal need, my desire for validation. That would be solved by the 10,000-square-foot home or the supermodel girlfriend or the Ferrari or the thousand monthly paying subscribers on my app or whatever it might be. And I think it’s a rare person who is able to face this and go, “Huh, maybe the things that I’m pursuing at some point in future will be hollow,” as opposed to just, they just need to push harder. They just need to man up and go through it.
The Awareness Available Right Now
DAVID DEIDA: If they feel they need to man up and go through it, they should. I mean, that’s a true phase. So if somebody really feels that, I would recommend that they man up and go through it.
To others, I would say it’s not so much like when you reach the top, like you arrive and then you see it’s empty. Right now, in this moment, whoever’s listening— this very moment, feel what’s happening. Notice what’s happening. There’s something happening. You’re hearing my voice and your voice. There’s a visual perception they’re having. But none of that is changing them. They’re the same one listening that they were yesterday or 10 years ago or 10 years from now.
And so in this very moment, they can relax or notice that one. And instantly in that noticing, all the stuff they’re doing and thinking becomes empty. Not in a negative way. It’s just stuff that’s happening. It’s like watching a river or watching the clouds. It’s still happening, but it’s flowing through you. So there’s no need to feel like when I achieve or when I have arrived— right now, you’re in that condition, but you may also have motivation. So right now, everyone is in the condition of being aware. To some people, that is sufficient. To other people, they need to add stress and seeking.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: In that way, do you think self-improvement and the pursuit of self-improvement can sort of delay real freedom, making us believe that we’re the unfinished article until— even if that’s not true, the belief in it means that we put off asking the deeper questions or sitting with the stillness.
DAVID DEIDA: I don’t think if somebody wants to self-improve, they should, as we said earlier. I mean, that’s what makes the world go round. So people who are moved to self-improve or improve the world, which tend to go hand in hand, they should. There’s no reason not to. I don’t see it as a block to this.
I think sooner or later, most men come to a point of whether, however active they are, however improved they are or not, of feeling its emptiness. Like in, again, in this moment, most men would be able to feel that spacious emptiness, that awareness. It’s aware. There’s an isness. It’s hard to put words on this, obviously, but a lot of men have experienced it.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: What changes around sex?
Sex, Polarity, and Intimacy at Zero
DAVID DEIDA: Well, a third of the book is about sex — of the book The Man of Zero — because a lot could change, because a lot of our sex is based on our past, our mammalian past, as I said, our psychological past, the way our parents treated us, our first sexual relationships. And as we rest at zero more and more, more stably, more frequently, those no longer motivate you.
So what men often feel as they approach this phase of the Man of Zero is less actual desire for sex, but more sexual fantasies coming out of those depths that I described earlier, like that we stuffed down. So they might be sitting there and they may have all kinds of weird sexual fantasies and thoughts, but when it comes to actually having sex and having a relationship, all they know is what they see in their friends or what they did in the past, which is based on these conditionings from their past, their mammalian conditioning, their personal past, their childhood traumas. And those just are no longer an interesting way to have sex.
So a lot of men go, “I’m losing my sexual desire, I need to get it back.” Whereas, as I describe in the book, what turns you on now is not as much what turned you on before — lingerie and porn or whatever — but a partner. I’ll say woman, it could be any sex, but a partner’s actual love, her devotion, her surrender. So when you feel someone’s devotion to love, or surrender, opening their body to love, that brings a part of you to the fore that could become sex from zero. Like you’re rested at zero, you’re not pushing, but from that place comes a polarity or sexual attraction. There’s a lot in the book about that. We can unpack it more now if you want.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Absolutely. Yeah. I think the role of sexual polarity, obviously a massive part of your first book, and then to see it — you might think that the amount of stillness would kill the polarity, but you are suggesting that that’s not the case.
Masculine and Feminine Polarity
DAVID DEIDA: Stillness is one side of the polarity. The other side is fullness or energy. And I use the word masculine and feminine. It’s problematic for some people, but the way I’m using that word is that the masculine is that unchanging stillness that we can all experience. And the feminine is everything that moves, is life force, is energy, is the fullness to the emptiness.
And so as you rest in emptiness through polarity, you tend to attract fullness. So in a heterosexual relationship, you will tend to attract to you women who are very active. They like to talk. They like to socialize. Just as you’re feeling, “I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to socialize.” And so it’s important to learn to embrace that polarity, but it’s still a polarity.
And ultimately the polarity is being the fullness of your depth of your awareness and attracting to you a woman who’s in her fullness of devotion. That is, her heart is open and full of love that she also wants to share. But she’s not driven by a sense of lack. So she loves you but doesn’t need you, and vice versa. And that’s a very strong polarity. Your depth of stillness is in polarity with her radiance, her power.
I see it even coming out as more and more women — I’m sure you know this — there are more girls who graduate high school than boys. There are more women in law school and medical school than men. And I think it’s going to keep going in that direction. I think that over time, women will be much, and already are, more — there’ll be more women leaders than men. There’ll be more successful women than men.
The pendulum will swing and then men will need to learn how to rest as this Man of Zero in depth, because then they still have polarity. It’s very valuable when a woman who’s very strong and powerful comes home from work, if we want to use that metaphor — like she comes home from a day of being in the world, and there you are, completely present, rooted in the deepest sense of being, absolutely attentive to her without being clinging because your awareness is free. She feels that is the greatest gift on earth. So she moves from being attracted to a man who, whatever, makes a lot of money and is socially charismatic, to a man whose polarity matches her at the level of being and doing, or emptiness and fullness.
Holding Frame Through Stillness
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Interesting to think about the masculine essence of — I guess holding frame would be one way to put it — but just being you, just being. And that, even if you’re not doing as much doing as the woman in your life, the fact that you’re able to be so still and so comfortable with it commands a kind of masculine power and respect that kind of means that no matter what happens in the outside world — the protector-provider, the socioeconomic balance or imbalance — it’s always still you in a position of masculine frame holding.
DAVID DEIDA: Yes, because awareness is where everything happens. You wouldn’t be aware of something unless it happened in awareness, and you’re that awareness. So you are the ultimate frame, if you will.
And this could even apply sexually. So let’s say you’re laying in bed with a lover. In the past, you might initiate sex and, you know, you might be kissing and touching and foreplay and building up tension, maybe spanking, lovingly being together in all kinds of playful ways. But for a Man of Zero, he might be laying there feeling like, “I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to move. I love her. I love being here with her. I don’t want to do anything, though.” And I would say to that man, okay, don’t do anything. You just lay there in bed, hold her in your arms, but completely feel her. Feel her body, notice the tensions moving through her body, feel her emotions, feel the ongoing yearning in her heart.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Just—
DAVID DEIDA: And in the book I give details, but you learn how to feel into her effortlessly, just in a completely relaxed way. And then she feels your presence. She feels you feeling her. She feels you knowing her. And that is incredibly valuable, even sexually. So now you’re just laying there holding her with her, but she feels you deeply knowing her, probably deeper than if you were pumping her. So she’s feeling this deep sense of you being inside of her. You’re still penetrating her, but you’re penetrating her with your love, with your feeling awareness. And so sexually, the less you do, the more she feels f*ed by you.
Why Men Struggle to Talk About Intimacy
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: You said before about how the previous things that men would be turned on by in sex — maybe you could categorize them as a bit more obvious, a little bit more shallow. I can’t think of a better word, a little bit more shallow. When you’re then talking about Sex at Zero, it’s much more intimate. Why do you think talking about intimacy when it comes to sex is hard for men?
Talking about sleeping with women is pretty easy, almost sort of bragging about what you got up to last night if you’re in your 20s. But talking about true physical intimacy as a man, a lot of the time I think makes men uncomfortable. Women have a not horrendous archetype for this — the transcendent, deeply desired. It’s making love, not having sex. But for men, true physical intimacy and making love — I don’t know. I don’t hear many men talking about it. And when they do, I think that there’s a kind of uncomfortableness around it.
DAVID DEIDA: Well, as you know, a lot of my work in the past has been on sexuality and spirituality. So we could spend months unpacking this.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: But hey, it’s your first podcast in 10 years. I don’t know whether you knew, David, but this actually does last for months. So I hope that you’ve locked in.
DAVID DEIDA: That’s fantastic. Because of the way evolution works — I’m sure you know this — for male bodies, all they need to do is ejaculate in order to create the next generation, whereas women need to be pregnant, eat enough while they’re pregnant, survive pregnancy, raise the child nursing. There’s a big difference, if you will, in potential cost, evolutionarily speaking.
And so men are built to be aroused sexually. Sexual arousal — men are almost always able to be sexually, they’re fantasizing about sex a lot. Sexual arousal is easy. So it’s easy for them to talk about that part, sex. It’s easy for them to say what they like sexually.
Intimacy often involves emotional sensitivity, feeling the other person, obviously. And most men during sex, because of their evolutionary past, get so wrapped up in the physical sensations. “Have an erection. I’m going to ejaculate. Look at her breasts. Look at her ass.” Like they’re in this evolutionary churn. That most men know. We all know that. So it makes it easy for them to talk about sexuality.
But because they’re deeply identified with nothingness — at the depth of men, of the masculine, is this emptiness, this nothingness. And the emotions are anything but empty. They’re what fill the emptiness. Most men, because they don’t really realize how much they love the nothingness, they don’t like filling it with emotion. So often a woman will ask a man, “What are you feeling?” And he’ll go, “Well, nothing.” And he’s not lying. Or, “What do you feel about this?” And he might say, “I don’t have any feelings about it.” Often they’re not lying. They’re really feeling this kind of sense of emptiness — not in a negative way, just it’s a nothing. It’s an aware nothingness. And they’re not feeling an emotion.
And so the woman will feel like he’s not sharing with me. And the man will feel like, “Why is she doing this? Why is she creating a problem when there is none?” So there’s a big difference between the way typically the masculine and feminine communicate, and why that difference is.
Moving From Sex to True Intimacy
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: What is your advice for a guy who wants to move from just having sex to proper intimacy?
DAVID DEIDA: When one is in the Man of Zero phase, one of the obvious things is that that beingness or awareness — being aware — is in all beings. Like, you could look into a dog’s eye and see their awareness. You’re feeling that awareness in all beings, including your lover. So feeling like loving the love in your lover, or being aware of the awareness in your lover. So she’s aware of you, you’re aware of her, you’re aware of her being aware of you. That mutual awareness is love — that mutual “we are the same being.” It’s not a thought like that. It’s just a feeling. Again, you could feel it with an animal. You could feel it with a plant. But that being — that “I am the same as you at depth.” We’re different at our surface. Our minds are different. Our bodies are different. But at depth, when you look into the eyes of a dog even, you can feel love. You could feel them connecting with you. There’s a being there.
And that recognition of shared being, which we could call love, might manifest as wanting to be physically intimate in the case of polarity — unless you don’t necessarily have polarity with a dog, or a plant, although some people do. But if you have that polarity with a human, and you’re in your nothingness, that means you will attract somebody in their fullness. And that connection is love, even though you’re playing the opposite poles.
So one feels that love and is still and silent and is not in the mood to communicate emotions. They’re not in any mood. There is no mood. And the other is flowing with feeling, bursting with emotions and highly responsive to life. And those tend to make a good pair in terms of polarity. So you recognize the unity of heart — “I am you at that.” But then you recognize the reciprocity in body and mind. She’s radiant. I’m still. She loves to dance. I love to watch her dance.
Practices for Deepening Sexual Intimacy
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Let’s say that there’s a man who hasn’t yet hit the Man of Zero thing, that sex at zero also not there. Are there some practices that you think help to push someone who isn’t already in stillness, a man that isn’t already in stillness toward sex being a vehicle for experiencing deeper intimacy and then also perhaps moving through some of the patterns that he has to work through in order to get to that man of zero point.
DAVID DEIDA: Yes. Again, my previous 10 books were focused on this.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Congratulations on 11, by the way.
DAVID DEIDA: Thank you. Men shouldn’t push their stage or phase. You should live it fully. The best way to grow out of it is to grow through it.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: I agree.
DAVID DEIDA: And so if you really are motivated to just have physical sex, wham bam, thank you, man, just quick, then if that’s where you’re at, do it until it becomes obsolete for you.
When a man begins to become ready, there are all kinds of practices he could do. One thing is for him to learn to take his attention off himself, off his own body, and onto her— his partner’s body, even in sex and not in sex. So let’s talk about sex. To feel your partner’s body more than you feel your own, to feel the tensions and relaxations in your partner’s body, to feel the breath moving in and out of your partner’s body, to feel the emotions moving through your partner rather than your attention locked into your own sexual sensations. So one would just be to learn to liberate your attention to at least feel her more than yourself.
Another thing to do is to create a kind of resonance. So often breathing with your partner sexually. So when she inhales, you inhale, and she exhales, you exhale. And then of course you might need to take catch-up breaths because you don’t have the same metabolism as your partner. Creating a kind of resonance of breath helps deepen sex beyond the merely physical.
Going deeper in the body. Some men only play on the surface of a woman’s body. They kiss her lips.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: David, I’m going as deep as I can. I’m really trying. I’ve been trying for my entire sexual life to go as deep as I can.
DAVID DEIDA: Congratulations. Sorry. Sorry.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: I had to go on.
DAVID DEIDA: Was that, do you want me to comment on that?
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: No, no, no, no, no. That was just, sorry. I just, the thought arose in my mind and I couldn’t not make a deep joke. So you were saying, yeah.
DAVID DEIDA: Well, that’s actually true. A lot of men just at the physical level have an impulse to go deep. In terms of actual sex, they want to press their sexual organ deep inside a woman. The feeling of going deep is the essential masculine urge— going deep into her, going deep into self, going deep into being. So that sense of wanting to go deep is a kind of native expression of the masculine.
Integration After Awakening
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: So things change and drop away. Ambitions, drives that we used to have, they’re just not there in the same way anymore. They feel hollow. You’re not driven to do the same things. You may be more skillful because you’re not pushing in the same sort of a way. But the drive to do the thing that you’re skillful at may be diminished or entirely absent. There’s not a collapse because the collapse would be depression, but there is a kind of emptiness and sitting with that in stillness is important. Also, the way that you show up and the way that you feel around sex may go from shallow to deep. It may feel significantly more intimate, less physical, more bound together. How does this get integrated? What do you do next?
DAVID DEIDA: It takes quite a while for the stability of your being to infiltrate through the patterns of your body-mind. We have all kinds of patterns in our body-mind. We have traumas. We might feel aggressive because of the way our father treated us. We might feel aggressive because we’re mammals and we’ve inherited a certain degree of aggression.
As we rest as being more and more, as we become stable in recognizing ourselves as that simple awareness or presence, those patterns become integrated naturally, because tension isn’t being added to them. You’re not rewinding them tighter and tighter. You’re letting them uncoil in the space of your awareness.
Now, some people might have such a tight knot in their body or mind that they need a form of therapy. They may need somatic therapy to unknot their body, or they may need a form of cognitive therapy to help them unknot their mind or release a trauma. They might want to do trauma therapy. But all of that is just to help loosen that relaxation in the openness of their presence.
So over time, it slowly becomes integrated and it’s slow. Another thing that people don’t really understand is you could have this kind of recognition of being and yet your body and mind continue with the patterns they had before. Your body is the last to change. Your mind may change first, but you find your body doing things your mind doesn’t want to anymore. So you have to have patience and compassion for yourself and others as these patterns in your body-mind continue to unfold.
You might find yourself lying even though you don’t want to lie. You might find yourself hurting someone even though you don’t want to hurt them. So you compassionately allow these past contractions that you stored in your body and mind to open in the spaciousness of your present being. And that takes years.
There are all kinds of stories, as you know, of people of supposed spiritual depth who act in not integrous ways.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Pretty much every leader of some spiritual movement or yoga cult for the last like 3 decades, or like 50 decades perhaps, has done that.
DAVID DEIDA: Pretty much, because it’s universal. It just doesn’t change. It’s a false hope, I guess, for it to change. There are some highly integrated people who are not that deep. Some are deep, some are not that deep. But there are also very deep people who are not very integrated. They may be alcoholics, they may be cheating, they may have sex with all of their students. And that doesn’t mean they don’t recognize the nature of their being. It just means that their pattern has yet to unfold and you need to be careful.
You could put structure so that pattern doesn’t hurt people, or you could make amends as those patterns inevitably hurt people. But that’s the usual, that’s not the exception. As you say, people have a kind of recognition that they can share with others, and yet it’s just like being an artist. How many artists can essentially create— let’s take a musician— like they could make divine music, and yet they themselves in their personal life are pretty messed up?
Suffering, Art, and Depth
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: This is why I said about real-world effectiveness, right? That so much of the best analyses, the best philosophy, there’s this great line, “If you marry well, you will become happy, but if you marry wrong, you will become a philosopher.” And I think what that’s sort of speaking to is when you’re pushing up against the grain, when it feels like you’re swimming into the stream, when stuff’s just not quite cohesing in the right way, or you still have these patterns to work against, these resentments from your past, this bitterness, this sort of unalchemized, untranscended and included problem, because things aren’t going easily, because things aren’t going well, you tend to look at your world and yourself with so much more dexterity and resolution and obsession.
That’s where the art seems to come from. How many songs have been made that are wonderful and unbelievably deep about everything’s going well and my wife’s happy and healthy and I’ve got these new kids and the field outside is really bright today and the weather’s good. It’s like, no, so much of what birthed great creative insight and that desire to make things at a level that would be unreasonable otherwise is the fact that you’re brushing up against the grain of life. And that’s what I was trying to get at, that as this stuff drops away, maybe if your ability to be effective includes your drive to do the thing, your output may change. The outputs that you get may diminish.
DAVID DEIDA: First of all, I agree with you that suffering is the trigger for a lot of depth and a lot of art, which to me are the same thing. Good art comes from depth. So I agree with you, and that’s why I don’t think people should rush through these phases, and also why I don’t think people should assume that someone having depth means they’re an integrated character. I would say that a lack of integration often creates art more than an integrated human.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Can you highlight the difference between somebody who is integrated and somebody who isn’t? How do we identify that?
DAVID DEIDA: The way I’m using that word is that they’re socially skilled. They act with deep morality. They’re good people, a Mensch, someone who you could trust. A lot of these teachers you wouldn’t trust, or a lot of these musicians or artists or whatever form they take, you might trust their art, but you wouldn’t trust them with your wife or with your bank account. You have to use your discrimination.
And luckily that doesn’t stop. As I said, even when you’re rested at zero, those patterns continue. And they continue to cause trouble. And so the source of art that you’re referring to doesn’t cease.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Yeah, yeah.
DAVID DEIDA: Your access to depth becomes more stable.
Discipline, Purpose, and Being
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: What role does discipline play after purpose ends?
DAVID DEIDA: The body and mind continue to require discipline. If you want to become stronger, you lift weights regularly. If you want to think about something more clearly, you may read books. So there’s still a sense for your body and mind to train. Learning to golf takes discipline, repetition. So your body and mind still require discipline, but the discipline is no longer to be what you are. You recognize you are what you are, so it’s effortless.
The being depth is effortless. If you’re doing something, you’re missing it. So in this moment, if you’re trying to be being, then you’re trying, you’re not being. Effortlessness is the key to knowing that in this moment you’re just being. But that doesn’t mean that within that effortless being, you might still decide you want to paint something, or my kid needs to be picked up from school, or I want to build a business. And all of those things require repetitive action or discipline.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: It’s a very different sort of drive to get there though, right?
DAVID DEIDA: Different from what?
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Well, in order to do this, it seems like there’s kind of bottom-up motivation, which is less conscious and it’s driven by need for recognition. It’s driven by past patterns. This is much more dictated. Like, I don’t need to paint. I want to paint. I don’t need to go to the gym — “need to go to the gym” is because if my body is better, then I will look good to the person that I love and she will find me attractive, as opposed to just, I’m doing this because I want to.
DAVID DEIDA: Yes. No, I agree with that. Yes.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: How long have you been writing about men and women?
DAVID DEIDA: 40-some years.
The Transitionary Period for Men
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Okay. We are, you mentioned it earlier on, at least at what feels like a bit of a transitionary period, especially for men, for women too, but especially for men. I think women had a big transitionary period about 50, 60 years ago. What do you see, or what are you hopeful for and worried about with the current culture around men?
DAVID DEIDA: I wouldn’t say I’m worried about anything, but I would say that as women take over the functions that men once had, men will have to find the deeper reason for being. And that deeper reason is what we’ve been talking about this whole time, to frame everything, to hold everything, to be presence, to be depth. So whatever somebody’s doing, your presence deepens them so their doing becomes deeper.
And that involves a different form of self-worth, if you will. Like, you’re not measuring yourself on how much money you have or how much weight you could lift. You’re kind of measuring yourself on — if you want to use that word — on your stability, be what you are, and rather than getting lost in thoughts or in activities.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: What’s the core of masculine essence? In your opinion?
DAVID DEIDA: Well, the way I use that term is identifying more with the emptiness aspect of being than the fullness aspect of being. So the feminine is all into growth and change and flowering and fullness and time, and the masculine is more oriented to timelessness and peace and being. So there are two different orientations, emptiness and fullness, or presence and radiance. There’s different ways of saying it.
A Life of Many Chapters
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: It feels to me like you’ve lived 30 different lives. I did a little bit of research. You apparently instructed in artificial intelligence, researched neuroscience, developed yoga techniques for intimate relationships, wrote PhDs that got an award from the French government, published academic papers, studied spirituality, and then wrote 11 books as well. I’m sure I’m missing an awful lot.
What’s the through line with this? You’re kind of a, especially now with not showing your video, living in the middle of nowhere in God knows where with trees that are blocking your internet signal. You’re almost sort of this esoteric masculinity wizard who has been working on this stuff for so long. Like, what’s the through line? What do you want your career to be about and be remembered about?
DAVID DEIDA: I don’t really think of it in those terms, but there’s definitely a through line. For whatever reasons, this desire to understand reality or who I am or who we are has started very, very early in my life. Very early. I mean, I remember being in the crib. I remember being diapered and feeling like, ooh, there’s — I remember learning what perspective is, or crawling on the carpet at my grandparents’ house, and realizing what size meant, like some things were bigger than others. It’s just something I’ve been interested in all of my life.
And so at some point in my life that led me to mathematics. I developed the indicational calculus, which is a calculus of distinctions, how distinctions arise in consciousness, published papers in that. That also became biology and immunology. I worked in labs. I worked in a sleep lab to study sleep and dreams. These were all unfoldings to me of the same thing.
And during all of that, my main interest is just like, what is this? Like, what is the nature of being, of reality, of me, of the world? Like, why are we here? What is the meaning? And not in an intellectual sense, but to be able to do it, to write a computer that could think. Back then I was working on early artificial intelligence, or in the immune system I was working on how does the immune system recognize self from other? So I was always motivated by that.
And through that, I was also meditating and doing yoga. Like you said, I had a yoga school. But all of those to me were the same thing. There were different ways just that my personality manifested this discovery, manifested this exploration. And still is.
So for the last couple of decades, I’ve been — it just naturally came. I’ve been living in mostly silence and a kind of retreat-like life, but not because I’m avoiding anything. It’s just I succeeded at every — I accomplished what I needed to accomplish, and it came to a point of being, of rest. And that’s where this book came from, because the men I was seeing were struggling with that transition.
Staying True to What You’re Interested In
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: What is it that you attribute your ability to stay in touch with what you’re truly interested in to?
DAVID DEIDA: I never had an option. I don’t know how to say it. It hurt me too much. For instance, when I went to college at 16 years old, I entered a program that was a combination of medical school and undergraduate school. At a very young age. So I was going to medical school very early and studying science and all of these things.
And at one point I remember just sitting there in the library studying. I was dissecting brains in labs. I was in it deep. And suddenly it was just like, I can’t do this anymore. Like, I’ve outgrown this, or it’s become obsolete for me. As much as I loved it until yesterday, today it’s done.
And for some reason, I was able — I mean, I didn’t just quit, I let things go in an easy way, in a responsible way, but it became clear to me that that phase had ended. And usually I don’t know what the next phase is. I spent a year living under a tarp on a beach on a deserted part of Hawaii with no money at all. And out of that year came my first book. So I didn’t know that. I just thought, I’m done. I’m going to just live under a tarp, cheap as possible. So I did, and then it just started writing. I didn’t plan on it.
And I began to realize that if I could surrender to that process and not be lazy, to really put in the work as things arose for me, that what I created from that place of depth was worth something to people. So I learned to make a living doing what I love. I don’t know if that’s answering your question.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: It does. I think it might be difficult for you to see why waking up one day and feeling like your work in the lab is no longer fulfilling you in the way that it used to — but not continuing because of sunk cost fallacy or loss aversion or fear of what people will say or not being able to beat your previous career or whatever — it seems like that comes pretty naturally to you because the pain of being out of alignment is greater than the pain of change. But I don’t think that that’s the case for most people. I think most people are pretty riven by that stuff.
DAVID DEIDA: Yes. I would say that the pain of living an untrue life for me exceeded the fear of what might happen if I do.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Yes. Yes.
DAVID DEIDA: So, you know, I was willing to risk everything because I just didn’t have a choice. Like it hurt so much. Literally hurt. Like my body hurt going to do these things. Hurt to do. I don’t know how to describe it, just the pain itself. Suffering, like you say, is the root of a lot of exploration and creation and art. And the suffering just became so intense that when I ended a phase, I had no choice but to allow the new authenticity to find a way to express itself.
The Pain of Misalignment
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: I did a retreat. Do you know who Joe Hudson is by any chance? Are you familiar with him?
DAVID DEIDA: I don’t. I’m not familiar.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: So Joe is a spiritual teacher — that makes him sound far too two-dimensional for what he does — but Eastern, Western, lots of therapeutic modalities, does retreats. He’s also head of human culture at OpenAI. He’s Sam Altman’s coach. He’s also my coach. And he’s a wonderful, wonderful man.
And I did a retreat. It was my first sort of deep emotions boot camp retreat, and I did it on a flower farm in Santa Rosa in California last year. I did it in September, and I haven’t done Hoffman Process, I haven’t done IFS. This is the first thing of its kind that I’ve done. And by day 4 of 7, you’re pretty cracked open. By day 3 of 7, you’re getting there. By day 4 of 7, you’re pretty cracked open. 12 hours a day working on anger, working on grief, working on sadness, working on upright communication and apologies.
And it’s what you said earlier on about the pain of when you tell a lie, sort of it comes back to get you when you get to this phase of zero, because that was kind of like speedrunning to zero, without the psychedelics. And what I found when I got out was all of the ways that my patterns and incongruence — just all of the things that I did in the world, the conversations that I would have with my staff and the small ways that I might lie because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I didn’t want to say something that might make them uncomfortable, so I didn’t say what was just true or my truth, or the way that I might deal with a friend who was late for dinner or an interaction with somebody that I just met or whatever.
All of these different ways, there was this — and he used the word constriction, which is the perfect word for it. There was this sort of tightening and it feels like a wet rag. If you imagine a wet rag that sort of goes from the back of your mouth to the middle of your stomach, and it feels like someone sort of twisting it like this.
I’d never had — I mean, I always try not to lie as best I can and I’d always known that it was something that didn’t make me feel great. I’m a horrendous liar. I’m a really, really unsophisticated liar. And this extra level of sensitivity, this attunement that I had from stripping away, opening my heart, doing all of this work for a full week, just meant that that level of sensitivity to the rag being squeezed inside of me was so hypersensitized. It was insane.
And I kind of imagine, I just have to assume that this is maybe what it’s like to be David Deida, that that level of sensitivity. So the pain of misalignment — I was having a conversation yesterday about why I’m glad that I get such bad hangovers, which is the cost-benefit analysis or the reward-punishment balance for me for drinking alcohol is just way off. It was never great. And now I’m in my 30s and it’s gotten even worse. I’m kind of glad because what that means is the likelihood of me ever becoming an alcoholic is super low because the pain — I wouldn’t even be able to get to the point of dependency because I’d be so miserable after day 3 or 4. I mean, I cannot f*ing do this anymore.
What you have here is maybe, and if you do the work, the opening, the freeing, the attunement, that’s kind of the same thing. It’s a very high level of pain when you do something that you shouldn’t be doing.
DAVID DEIDA: Doing.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: And that, whether it’s through training or just a fortune gift that you’ve been given, means that when you start to do stuff that’s out of alignment, you feel it very harshly. And that has pushed you through what to me from the outside looks like, again, 30 different lives that you’ve lived. But to you just feels like, well, I was following what I was interested in. I wanted to understand myself and the world around me, and I kept — I was trying to keep that rag untwisted. Yeah.
The Body as a Compass
DAVID DEIDA: That you described, the wet rag. You did a process, a week-long, whatever process to feel that, which is great. But you can also feel that at any time. So right now you can feel the extent to which that area of your body from your throat down, or which is the typical place people feel it. I talk about that in the book a lot though. Man of Zero book.
So that contraction in the front of the body from your throat down your solar plexus and down even deeper, that’s the signal, that’s a signal for you and many men that they’re out of line. Now, if their mechanisms, like their need for self-worth is so intense, it could push them to ignore that for years and years. And then you have to go to a training and have it unpacked, which is very useful. I’ve done those kind of things.
So you could do it in an intensive kind of way, and you can learn to feel that tension, constriction, contraction as it’s happening. And you’re reading that. It’s like a meter. It’s like flying an airplane by instruments. You’re feeling the tightening of that and you’re going, okay, you might not be aware of why it’s happening, but right now I’m living off the mark. I’m not living on point. And then they accumulate less.
But it doesn’t matter how you come to that place. Like you said, you could do it through a process, which you did, which is great. You could do it through— some people feel it through psychedelics. Some people just feel it through the school of hard knocks. Just the pain in their life. But yes, that contraction specifically in that part of the body, the front, the solar plexus, the belly, the chest, is a sign that you’re not relaxed as your depth. It’s a sign that your depth isn’t living you. Something’s living you that’s not your depth.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Yeah, that’s the lead indicator. And the lagging indicator is that you end up in a life that you’re not supposed to be in. But I think it’s going to be difficult for you to get to the life that you’re not supposed to be in if you haven’t denied the wet rag being twisted for quite a long time.
DAVID DEIDA: Yeah, I don’t know how long, but yes, they go hand in hand. If you ignore that, twisted around.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: That’s just the constriction, it’s the tightening, it’s the tensing. And it’s different for different people, right? Mine sits right in my stomach, right at the sort of just below my solar plexus. It sits right there and it just feels like someone’s twisting it, but sometimes it moves up to my throat and sometimes it moves down.
DAVID DEIDA: Yeah, that contraction is the main sign. And different men, as you say, not only feel it in different places in their body. Usually they feel it where you feel it in the front of their body, kind of near their solar plexus, but they may not feel it in their body. Some men have that contraction in their emotional body, so they become emotionally unwell, not just physically twisted, but emotionally twisted. Some men experience it in their, if you will, mental body or intellectual body. So they start thinking strange thoughts or all twisted up intellectually, mentally.
So there’s different dimensions that men can feel that contraction in, and different men feel it primarily in different dimensions, and that’s the dimension they should focus their work on.
The Most Worthwhile Modalities for Development
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: That’s interesting. Speaking of that, I know and I appreciate you not encouraging people to growth hack or speedrun their way through phases that they’re not yet in, right? That kind of, you’ll get there when you need to get there. And the dose that you need to take in order to get to your next level of development sort of arrives at the pace that you’re moving through life. And maybe trying to speedrun that is actually not a great idea.
But across all of the modalities that you’ve tried, all of the different techniques that you’ve employed, what are the ones that you attribute the most amount of — I don’t want to use the word progress because that sounds like more speedrunning — but the most amount of development to? What are the ones that you come back to the most? Are the ones that looking back you go, wow, like those things that I did were very worthwhile and I’m glad that I did them.
DAVID DEIDA: Well, again, this is different from man to man, so I wouldn’t want any man to model me or you, every man has to discover this for themselves. But for me, I would say one intimate relationship. So I’ve been in long intimate relationships and having a partner. You described that part of your body twisting, but it could be your partner twisting, it could be your partner contracting as a reflection of you being off. And it’s harder to bypass your partner’s complaints, your partner’s contractions. And so I would say that the wisdom of my intimate partners, just in their natural reflection and depth and love, has probably informed me one of the most.
And then together with that, I would say working with a teacher. I’ve worked with just a few teachers, long-term teachers. I don’t mean just learning guitar or something. Long-term teachers usually could reflect to me areas that I can’t see myself or that I’m not willing to, and lovingly continue reflecting that to me until I pick it up.
So I would say that my relationship with a loved one, an intimate partner, and a relationship with a teacher, more than a specific technique. Although, as I said, I’ve done a lot of things like hatha yoga and tai chi and qigong and moving energy through my body. You can also feel those contractions as you can. So feeling that contraction in the front of the body, learning how to open that feeling, what’s forming that. But for me, the love, my partner’s love and my teacher’s love would probably be the most effective ways. I know what you mean using the word effective, but yes, those would be the modalities.
Closing Reflections
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Yeah. “If you marry wrong, you’ll become a philosopher, but if you marry well, you’ll become a yoga teacher.” Is that your — David, let’s leave it there, mate. You’re wonderful. Your work over the last however many decades has just been so great. And it’s great to speak to you. You didn’t need to do this. I really appreciate you giving me your time. If you give, what’s this, an hour and a half, if you do 90 minutes a decade of podcasting, I hope that this one was worthwhile.
DAVID DEIDA: Well, you seem authentically and genuinely committed to truth. That’s pretty rare. You’re good at what you do. You have this podcast, you’ve been highly motivated to create this thing, but you’re also, your heart is in it. And so I felt moved to connect with you like this, mostly because I agree with your heart. I resonate with your heart and I appreciate you.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: I appreciate you too. This podcast is a thinly veiled autobiography masquerading as a conversation with — you’ll be episode 1,100 maybe over the last 8 years. So yeah, this is the vehicle that I’ve chosen, at least for now. And I’m trying to find out what’s true. I’m trying to understand myself and the world around me. And I’m asking people who I think have got at least a few of the answers. And if I can hold on to 1% of all of the stuff that I’ve learned, then — you said about teachers, I guess I’m just cycling through. I’m serially monogamous with 1,100 world experts on a variety of different topics, and we’ll see what sort of horrendous Frankenstein’s monster gets constructed out of this by the time that I finish.
DAVID DEIDA: Fantastic. Well, trust your heart in the midst of all of it, and you’ll go the right direction.
CHRIS WILLIAMSON: Beautiful. David, you’re wonderful, and let’s keep in touch. I’d really love to keep in touch with you. Appreciate you, mate.
DAVID DEIDA: Me too. Thanks, Chris.
Related Posts
- Transcript: Dr. Jordan B. Peterson Interviews Megyn Kelly # EP 552
- Mel Robbins Podcast: Dr. Leanne ten Brinke Interview (Transcript)
- Arthur Brooks on Happiness: Triggernometry Interview (Transcript)
- Transcript: The Real Reason You Never Feel Present Anymore – Michael Pollan
- Transcript: Victor Glover Interview at ARC 2026