On Purpose Podcast: Alex Warren on Losing His Parents, Addiction & Survival (Transcript)

And he died when I was nine. So probably like—probably remembered it from five to nine.

The Last Goodbye

JAY SHETTY: How did he have that conversation with you at that time? Were you aware at that time, at that age what was even happening? I can’t imagine.

ALEX WARREN: No, I mean, the night before he died, I remember he was—so they were just making him comfortable. And so he was at our house in a hospital bed in the downstairs bedroom. And I remember the night before, the last conversation I ever had with him is he was puffed up on drugs and I was messing with them.

And, you know, I was like, “Dad, will you buy me a Ferrari?” And he was saying yes to everything, you know, and it’s weird to think about it back then and kind of be like, that was my goodbye, was I was kind of f*ing with him a little bit.

And yeah, all I know is like, you know, he died joking around with us, saying yes to everything. You know, he didn’t even bother to, you know, say no or mess with us back. But he left us all notes.

And when he died, the morning he died, my mom came into my room at like 5 in the morning. I remember the time was actually 5:05 exact. And she said, “It’s time to say goodbye to your dad.” He had left us these letters and we got to read those letters. And yeah, I can say that’s a pretty surreal moment to kind of think about. But I never knew.

JAY SHETTY: Wow.

ALEX WARREN: I didn’t even realize until I was like 13 or 14 that he wasn’t a part of my life. I think it was just a weird, messed up joke. I think I would make things up. I’d be like, oh, he works for the FBI, or like he faked his death. And I—yeah, it’s pretty weird when I came to terms with the fact that he was gone.

JAY SHETTY: So it was quite hard to actually come to terms with it. It took a few years to even process the reality of the situation.

ALEX WARREN: Like, I don’t think my brain could at nine. And I think back, I really never think about this. So this is like the first time in a long time I’m actually thinking about it.

It’s like I remember when he died, I was doing the stereotypical wake up, wake up. Like he was dead in front of me. And I think it was just a whole moment of me trying to be like, stop joking around. I was nine, but I understood he was dead, but I didn’t understand what that meant, of course.

And so for a good 20 minutes, I had to—I was slapping him, I was shaking him, begging him to wake up. And then they wheeled him out of my driveway and the neighbors all looked around. And I think that day I was like—I remember it so vividly but so blurry at the same time. But yeah, I knew he was dead. I didn’t know what that meant until I was 13 or 14.

Precious Memories of a Father’s Love

JAY SHETTY: Tell me about—you said he would wake up 5 a.m. to play with you or be with you before he went to work. Talk to me about what you do remember because it’s remarkable that you can hold on to memories from them, but obviously they seem so precious. Are a lot of those memories based on things you remember or pictures and video?

ALEX WARREN: It’s what I remember. Every day he woke up and I have three other siblings, and so he would take me and my brother skateboarding and we would go to the skate park and get donuts early in the morning, or we’d go to church with my sisters or even all of us.

Like, he’d wake up early and take us to Legoland, you know, and he would just find—every day was a different day. Every day was a different thing. You know, there was no routine besides the fact that every morning we woke up and we had no idea what we were doing.

And it was kind of like a bucket list in some ways. Like, he wanted to surf and learn, so we went surfing and—yeah, so every day I think he just wanted to—his goal in life was always to be a father and to have kids. And I think he just speed-ran it as fast as he could, knowing he was dying.

And I can’t imagine that—hiding that from your children and trying to leave a future for them as you leave.

JAY SHETTY: What a special man. Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: Truly sounds like someone I strive to be every day.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, absolutely. Very worthy of that. And when you came to that, what was the moment at 13, 14 where you came to that reflection? Like, what kind of made that—

The Moment Reality Set In

ALEX WARREN: I always knew my life was different. I didn’t understand it. I watched my little sister go to a daddy-daughter dance without her dad. And I remember seeing her crying. And I started to think what was different about my life?

And I started to think about—because at that point it was like, oh, you know, at nine years old, losing your dad and then you’re 14, it’s all, you know, like, the formative years of your life are now starting. And so you’re just being like, oh, I don’t have a dad. That’s a normal thing.

And I started to think about what was—what I was missing, what I didn’t have. And I think that was the biggest thing. My mom was an alcoholic who wasn’t present. So I realized I was raising myself and having to, you know, all of us—me and my siblings were raising each other.

And that was something for us that we really, we didn’t realize wasn’t normal for a very long time. And we struggle with today. I think we struggle with having a normal sibling relationship because we were so busy trying to parent each other.

Learning to Parent Each Other

JAY SHETTY: Talk to me about that. Parenting each other. Like, what was it like parenting yourself and then parenting when you’re 14 years old?

ALEX WARREN: It’s interesting. I think it was more of like, you know, me and my brother were obviously this protective brother over our little sister. And then I think my older sister felt the need—she was about four years older than us, so she felt really the need to do so.

Yeah, I think the dynamic is just different. You don’t have an older brother. You have someone that you, for me at least, is someone I help through with daily life and vice versa. And there’s different things that I’m skilled at that he is.

And I think we adapted really, really well to being able to parent each other. But then that normal relationship of just catching up and sibling—it’s weird now doing it as—we had a moment when my mom died. We kind of all went our separate ways. We kind of just realized what the f* is wrong with our lives. And we all stopped talking.

JAY SHETTY: Oh, wow.

ALEX WARREN: We all stopped talking. We all went apart, and I started doing this, and we rekindled not too long ago. Most of us live in the same state now, and we grab lunch every week, and we try our best to kind of, you know, hash that out. It’s been nice. Honestly. I’m really close with all of them now, which is really cool.

Rebuilding Family Bonds

JAY SHETTY: Who was the first person to reach out?

ALEX WARREN: Probably Lauren, my older sister.

JAY SHETTY: She reached out to you? Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: Well, she’s super, super keen on creating an environment of family. And that was something I was missing for a while. And so she was kind of the glue that was like, you know what? Let’s us all come together, and it’s been cool. She got us all to move to Nashville.

JAY SHETTY: Was it easy to bring everyone back in, or did it take a moment? Talk to me about that reconnection.

Rebuilding Family Bonds

ALEX WARREN: Everyone wanted to. Everyone wants to be a family. I think it’s just being apart for four years at our 20s. I mean, you have to think, I was 19 when we all kind of went away. And so, you know, a lot has changed since I was 19, you know, career wise. Me wise. I mean, I’ve grown so much as a human, you know, and I think boundaries and respect and, you know, growing, just trying to settle back into being siblings has been a fun challenge, I would say, because it is. It’s like, you know, I’m one of those people. I think arguing is a beautiful thing.

JAY SHETTY: Well, I do.

ALEX WARREN: I think even with my wife, and she finds it so funny. Kids will be fighting about a rug and I’ll be laughing, and I’m like, this is great. You were talking, life is about compromise. Life is about figuring out what you can tolerate of me and how much I can tolerate of you. And, you know, that’s how a relationship works. And it’s been really nice to kind of be able to learn things about people through an argument, how they feel. What is the compromise there? And that’s what I really like.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Do you, when you look back now, do you believe that parenting yourself allowed you to have some of this maturity at this young age?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, 100%. I didn’t even, I never got into drinking. I never got into smoking.

JAY SHETTY: Because you didn’t have the opportunity.

ALEX WARREN: Right. And so, for me, I’m a pretty boring guy. I think that’s the one criticism I see online, and people are like, “Oh, Alex is just a boring white dude.” I’m like, yeah, I am. I am, and I love it. But no, it’s allowed me to grow up really quickly, which is beautiful and sad. But it’s funny. I find things that I love that are childish. You know, I love skateboarding, and because my dad, I love surfing, I dirt bike. I do all these things. And so, I’m a giant teenager now, kind of living out that childhood I never had.

The Weight of Growing Up Too Fast

JAY SHETTY: I get, I can, in my own way, as I’m reflecting what you’re saying. So I felt like I parented myself.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: My dad was more, he was around, but he was aloof and in his own world. And so I was definitely my younger sister’s father figure. That was the role I took on early on. I really felt like I became man of the house quite early on.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And I look back at those moments now and feel very grateful for them as well, because to me, I don’t think I would have had the skills that I was able to develop if I didn’t have that experience. And I don’t, people was like, do you feel you missed out on your childhood? I don’t think I did, because I think I still had some of that in my way. And there were moments of that. Do you feel like you missed out when you look back, or do you feel differently?

ALEX WARREN: I often do, but I think it’s a childhood that I wasn’t meant to have. You know, I missed out on having a father. You know, I missed out on, you know, I think when you learn how to ride a bike, you look behind you once you figure it out and you fall a couple of times, and you look at your parents and you say, “Look, I did it.”

And throughout my entire career of even childhood, of becoming an adult and accomplishing certain things, I looked back and I didn’t have those people in my life. And I think that starts to rewire your brain of what an accomplishment is. You know, how do you value success? To me, success is being able to show my parents I did everything I set out to be.

And so it kind of rewires you into thinking, you know, what is it? What does all this mean? And what does my childhood look like? And I think everything that I went through has shaped me up to where I am today and whether I like it or not. And I do like it. I like who I am now. But it is something that, you know, I think about a lot, is, you know, I would be a completely different person if my dad was still alive, my mom was still alive, and I didn’t go through half those things. And whether or not I want that is always a question I ask.

JAY SHETTY: In terms of parallel lives.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, I think, you know, I could have had a childhood. I could have had all these different things, but I would not be who I am and what I know. And I don’t think I’d be a musician. I don’t think that I would be here. I don’t think I would have met my wife. You know, there’s so many different things that I went through in my life that I love that because I didn’t have a childhood.

Redefining Success

JAY SHETTY: How do you define success now?

ALEX WARREN: Truly, I was so unhappy with myself for a long time. I think I just never knew. I always wanted to be a musician since I was a kid, since my dad introduced me to it. And I tried for my entire childhood, and no one cared. Again, I grew up in an abusive household, and, you know, when you find something that you like, you get torn down for it. So I just never thought I could do it. You know, my dad introduced us to music, and he passed away.

JAY SHETTY: He passed your guitar, right?

ALEX WARREN: He passed away. And so I stopped. I stopped trying. It just, he played music all the time. I grew up with Rascal Flatts and Train and Coldplay, and he passed away and the music stopped. And figuratively and, you know, actual.

And so when I started understanding what was happening in my life, I started playing music, and I got torn down for it every day. You know, I would do talent shows. My mom wouldn’t show up, and she would say I sucked. And all these different things. And, you know, hearing that every day growing up, you start to think, do I suck? You know?

And then I turned 18 and I was still trying. I would post covers on Vine and TikTok. And it was Musically at the time and I got kicked out of my house and I would go and when I would shower at a 24 Hour Fitness or whatever bathroom I could find at a resort or whatnot, I would sing in the bathroom. And the acoustics were great. And I would post those on the Internet and those wouldn’t do well.

And yeah, I was, every single second I could. I think I got shot down. And then I met my wife and I posted a video with her in my car. And it did amazing. The first rip around and I was like, “Oh, cool. This is going to get us out of this situation.” We kept going and found myself back to music and here we are.

Living with Addiction

JAY SHETTY: What did your day to day look like with your mum and her addiction?

ALEX WARREN: I was the only person who, I don’t know if I’m the only person who knew. I was the only person who called it out at the time. Yeah, so my dad, when he was dying, he knew and he was terrified. So he obviously did certain things that he wanted to make sure that we were okay.

But yeah, I would, my daily thing is my mom would start, my mom would sleep during the day and stay up all night. And so she’d be drunk at 5 a.m., driving us to school at 6 or 7 and she would sleep when she got back home. She never had a job since my dad passed away. So whatever we lived on was he left us and he died during the recession. So it was definitely a scarce, interesting time. We still grew up fine. My dad did well, and so when he passed away, it was whatever.

But daily it was, I’d wake up and I’d find what alcohol she was hiding and I’d throw it away. I can’t tell if I was petty for that or if I just truly wanted to see her stop, you know, but every addict needs a surrogate. They need someone to blame that isn’t themselves. Or at least that’s what I think growing up with it. And I was that person.

I was the only person who could call out her problem. I was the person who, when she was driving drunk, would make her pull over or I would threaten to call the police. Yeah, I was the person who made it difficult for her to have the addiction because I didn’t want to see it anymore. I thought that, you know, you’re supposed to be a parent, you know, and her and I clashed a lot, you know.

So, yeah, my daily life was waking up, calling her an alcoholic for sure, threatening to call the police. And, yeah, it was really, really toxic. I mean, looking back at it, I would call the police on her several times. She was abusive. There was one time she elbowed me in the face so hard that I have a deviated septum now from it. And I called the police, and she made up a thing saying that I hit her or something.

And I remember they threatened to take me to jail. And that was the first time I ever felt like, “Wow, everything is stacked against me in some way,” you know? And so, that was really difficult for me to be like, “Oh, well, I can’t call the police anymore.”

And it was so strange. It was such a strange way to grow up, reflecting on it. But it’s also something, you know, again, it’s, I never drank. I never drink. I never do any of those things because I’ve never seen the good of it when people like, “Oh, we’re going out to drink.” I’ve never, I’ve never understood that. I’ve never craved. I never wanted it. And I’m not against it. I just, I just don’t get it anymore, you know, because I grew up with the negative of it, you know?

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Did your desire to remove her addiction reflect badly on you? Like, is that where the moments of tension and abuse sparked? Was that you were the one trying to take it away?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, and I think it didn’t help that my siblings didn’t realize it either. I think my siblings would all be like, “Well, if you didn’t talk back, you wouldn’t get hit,” was the sentiment behind it. And I thought that was such a bizarre sentiment growing up.

But, yeah, I mean, I was just one of those people. I wasn’t a troubled kid. I didn’t get into bad things. But I wanted to be a singer. And my mom hated it. She hated it. You know, I don’t know what it was about, whether it was vlogging or singing or just filming my life. I never wanted to do a normal job. I would be, instead of class, I would go to bathroom and sing and film it and post it.

And of course, I started, my grades started slipping a little bit because that’s all I wanted. I knew I wanted to do that. And she thought I was some terrible kid. And so, yeah, it was definitely a clash between us, and it never stopped.

Even after all this, she was still alive when I started doing well. And yeah, man, I remember I had distanced myself fully until I was like, “Look, you know, I’m not going to, I don’t want you in my life until you get help.” And I remember the week she died. She had texted me, “I have a problem and I’m going to AA.” And then she died the week after, which is crazy.

The Final Goodbye

JAY SHETTY: Did you believe her?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah. Which is hard. But I don’t know. I don’t know what killed her. I don’t know if it was just final and she realized she had a problem or she went to the doctors one day, but I remember, I remember how f*ed up her house was. I never, I couldn’t step foot in it, but my siblings went. And it was bad. There was, she was, she was dead way before she was, which is crazy.

I think watching two people die in front of you like that is the, it’s the weirdest thing. It’s the weirdest. You can’t explain it. The breath, the, that person doesn’t become a human anymore, you know? And the, if you’ve ever watched it before, it’s the, it’s the breathing that doesn’t leave. The, it’s so hard to explain to someone. They’re not breathing for themselves. They’re gasping for air, and you want it to stop. And it’s the scariest thing.

It’s crazy watching that twice at nine and then you spent your whole life forgetting it. And then you turn 21 and you just, it’s like a haunting thing that doesn’t leave. It’s crazy.

JAY SHETTY: Was that at home as well? She was at home.

ALEX WARREN: No, no. I.

JAY SHETTY: I.

The Weight of Loss

ALEX WARREN: That one was in a hospital. But when you die from drinking and liver failure, you’re yellow all over. I think it’s called jaundice or something. It’s morbid. I think watching my dad die, he turned white because his kidney failed. Watching someone die slowly like that is probably something that you can never forget. It’s crazy. Terrifying.

JAY SHETTY: Were you by her bedside when it happened as well?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, I remember the one thing too is, you know, you walk outside, we all just had a moment. Once she had passed, we went outside and we all just started crying. And, you know, you look around and someone’s on their lunch break, someone’s pulling up in a fancy car at a Jersey Mike’s, and everyone’s laughing and people are walking by, leaving the hospital.

It’s weird to think that my world stops spinning, but you’re just—you have no idea. You have no idea what the heck just happened in there. You have no idea what we just went through. And it is so interesting. I remember that. That stuck with me. I’m like, why isn’t everyone—why isn’t the world stopped? Because mine just did. It’s crazy.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. With your father, obviously, your memory was this almost playfulness or joking around him saying, yes, I’ll get you a Ferrari. What was that internal and external dialogue with your mother?

Finding Forgiveness

ALEX WARREN: They told us she could hear us. I don’t know if that was true or if that’s just something you tell people to hope that they have closure. A lot of forgiveness.

JAY SHETTY: That’s what you were saying. Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: A lot of forgiveness. A lot of apologies, too.

JAY SHETTY: What did you say?

ALEX WARREN: I think for me, you know, I think in everything, especially in a place where there’s clashing, it takes two people regardless. She could have been a better parent. She could have realized she had a problem and whatnot. My mom watched her husband die and then had to raise four kids by herself. How the f* am I supposed to judge someone like that? How am I supposed to say, you did that wrong?

And that’s the one part for me is like, I judged her so hard. I thought, you’re supposed to be this perfect person. You’re supposed to be this parent. And it’s crazy how selfish I could have been to assume that. I don’t know what you went through. I don’t know what it’s like. It’s your first time living. How—there’s no perfect book on how to raise four kids, watch your husband die of cancer and be all of a sudden have everything that you thought in life ripped away from you in a second and just have to put a smile on it and not have a cope.

So, yeah, I think that was my biggest thing. I spent my whole life judging this person, not putting myself in their shoes and understanding what they had to go through to be okay. She had to have drinks to be okay. She had to kill herself to be okay with life. That’s hard.

So I think that was the one thing for me that I had to wrap around and have closure with. And there wasn’t, you know, it’s closure in some sense. But I never got to have that conversation. I was—what’s that word when you aren’t talking to someone? It’s like a—they call it something in a family when you aren’t communicating with them.

JAY SHETTY: Estranged.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, kind of. I didn’t talk to my mom for a long time. Yeah, it’s hard.

The Grace We Give Ourselves

JAY SHETTY: Have you given yourself that grace?

ALEX WARREN: I don’t think so. I don’t think so. I haven’t thought about it until now, which is funny in such a public setting. But, yeah, I don’t—when you go through the things that I go through, or at least I can’t speak for everyone, I have spent a lot of time not forgetting, but putting it on a burner, letting it sit there when it’s time to approach those feelings.

And then when I do these things, I fully believe in being honest. And I like to take advantage. I told you before we started recording that these are my favorite parts of this job, and I think it’s true because this is the time where I get to be human.

I think in my career, a lot of people look at what we do and it’s the same thing. I think they just don’t see the human behind the piece or the art or whatever. They see the headline or they see whatever they want to see. Whether I pass their favorite artist on a chart or if I got picked to do something opposed to their favorite artist, it almost—I become a villain in their life without them actually understanding who I am behind it.

So when it’s time to do these things, I think it’s great because I think you start to realize how messed up a lot of us are. Not even messed up. I wouldn’t even say I’m messed up. I think just the things that you tend to separate the human from the art. And I think that’s the hardest thing for me too, is everything I make and the music I write about is fully true to me. I’m not taking pitch records. I’m writing about watching my parents die, which is so hard to then turn around and swipe on a TikTok and be like, “Alex Warren sucks.”

And so it’s just separating that is so difficult for me too. I just have to scroll now. Whether it’s good or bad, I don’t look at it. And it’s hard. It’s really hard because these songs mean so much to me. These songs helped me through all those things I’m talking about. And it’s so strange to be able to be like, oh, wow. It’s so strange not to take that for—so that’s definitely been a challenge.

JAY SHETTY: As I was listening to you, I was just thinking, I love that you have the capacity for grace for your mom. And to sit there and say, you know, no one knows how to raise four kids, watch their husband die, deal with the challenges that come with life. She’s not a superhuman.

And yeah, as I was listening to you say that, I was like, I hope you’re able to develop that grace for yourself. To be able to say, you know, no one knows how to come into the world and have their father pass away when they’re nine years old and have a mom who’s an addict and have three other siblings.

And because I’m looking and I think both coexisting is what grace really looks like. Because it’s beautiful that you’ve been able to even have the glimpse of that perspective for your mother and to expand that out into yourself. Because I often feel that we do one or the other, so we often feel, oh, yeah, I give myself grace, but I can’t forgive that person. And that doesn’t feel fully healed.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, we do the opposite where we—

JAY SHETTY: Give that person grace, but we don’t for us. And I can resonate with it because my—I always think about my dad because he had such a complex childhood. And when I look at—gives me context and grace for who he became. And if without that context in the same way as you just beautifully explained.

But yeah, my dad saw his mom die when he was 4. He grew up in the slums of India. He had four siblings that were just trying to figure out what to do. And when I understand that context, I can have grace and compassion for him. And then at the same time, even though I didn’t have those troubles or your troubles, there’s compassion I have to have for myself.

And so, yeah, I really hope this opens a doorway for that for you because it’s beautiful that you have the capacity for that for her.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: In that moment, it’s really special, actually.

ALEX WARREN: I’ve never had that perspective, funny enough, something so simple yet so profound.

What We Need Most

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. I mean you have it. You’re the one saying it about your mother. It’s just, you know, saying the same about your 9-year-old self and 14 and 21. But when you were going through that, what do you believe you needed most in your teenage years that you didn’t have?

ALEX WARREN: Wow. I don’t know. I mean the obvious answer is obviously a parent.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Outside of that. Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: I think I made do with what I had. I don’t necessarily think I could have had anything more. Growing up and being a teenager, I think I had ambition, I had a dream, I had a goal. And every day being a kid I never thought of like what am I going to do party wise? I thought what am I going to do so I can achieve those goals? I’ve always wanted to do this. So I don’t know. I truly, every day I just woke up and I thought how do I make this dream and goal of mine possible? And I’ve never let go of it.

JAY SHETTY: How did you protect that and protect your self-esteem in an environment where you’re being told you suck, where someone who’s the only caregiver in your life doesn’t love your art or doesn’t encourage it and of course you don’t have the resources to—how did you protect that?

The Conviction That Kept Him Going

ALEX WARREN: I have no idea. I have no clue. I should have given up so long ago. And that is something that I’ve questioned to this day of why it happened. For the longest time I had this gut feeling since I was a kid. And whether—for me, I credit that to God. I’m a Christian and I have faith in that way but for so many people, you know, I can’t imagine.

Every day I woke up and I go, I’m going to do this. And I had so much confidence for being such an insecure guy, for not believing in myself, talent wise, for not believing in myself where my life was and I would—I should have given up way before I did and I never did. I just had this weird gut feeling that this was supposed to happen and I followed it and here we are.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, I love that. I love hearing that too. Because one of the most common things I hear a lot from my community is Jay, my family doesn’t believe in me. I’m in a toxic atmosphere. There are people around me who are just holding me back, people with negative energy. What do I do about it?

And you’re sitting here, you know, and we’re looking at a snapshot of your life. And yes, we’re getting into some detail, but there’s so much more to it. Of course, it’s your life, and you’re sitting here going, well, actually, that’s all I had. So I did all I had. That was basically not your escape, but that was your—it was your passion, it was your pursuit. It was where all your energy went. It’s where all your focus went. Because what else would you give your focus to if you gave it to all the other things, you wouldn’t have survived.

ALEX WARREN: Exactly. I never had a plan B. I would go to school and in classes, I was on Musical.ly. It was literally all I did every day. I would go into class and I would just go on my phone and do social media or post my singing videos, and I was failing. I didn’t graduate high school, and nor would I ever recommend that to anyone.

I do not know what that conviction was and why I thought that that was what I was supposed to do. And it just—I didn’t fight it. I tuned everything else out. There was nothing else I was interested in, and I never had a backup. I was like, I’m going to be homeless. I’m going to do this. And I ended up being homeless.

JAY SHETTY: Did God have anything to do with the conviction?

Finding Purpose Through Loss

ALEX WARREN: I like to think so. I think a lot of times when I watch podcasts and I hear people say that, though, it always throws me through a loop, you know. And I think, like, you know, a lot of times when I’ve gone through this stuff and talked about my faith and things, I just feel as if I have been put on this earth to do this, you know.

And I feel as if I had to lose my parents to be the person I am today, you know, and the things that I’ve lost have shaped me into the man that I am. And, you know, I’ve met everyone and I’m happy with myself after all this loss and whatnot.

And I, for me, I battled a lot because I’ve always been like, oh, well, like, if God was real, he wouldn’t have done that to me, you know. And I think that when I look at a snapshot of my life, I look at every single mistake I’ve ever made and every single thing that’s taken away and every single thing that has happened to me has been a lesson of some sort.

I’ve learned from everything, and I understand it’s people probably disagree with that. I think that’s fully fine. I just think for what I’ve lived through and the things that I’ve gone through and where I am today, the only thing to me that makes sense is that. And that’s the beautiful thing about faith. You got to believe it, you know? It’s crazy.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Do you regret not telling your mom how you felt, or do you wish you got to tell her that you forgive her and that you understand and share that compassion, or do you feel it was shared in spirit and internally?

The Weight of Regret

ALEX WARREN: No, I think the one thing that I regret is my mom. I look at this every time, and it just kills me is my mom died alone. You know, she didn’t have friends. She didn’t have family anymore. Everyone left her. Everyone left because they wanted to focus on themselves.

I think that’s the hardest thing that I’ve had to deal with is when I thought about that. I remember I was driving, and I started thinking about my life and how I’m terrified to be alone. And I started to think about my mom, and I realized that she was alone. And I texted her and I wanted to check on her, and little did I know, she was dying alone.

And so for me, yeah, I mean, it’s so easy to. It’s so easy when people are out of your life. And now that it’s happened to me so many times, to be like, wow, I wish I did this different, and you’re never going to survive if you think that way. Yeah, it’s never going to.

I have lost so many people in my life, and every time, it’s so goddamn easy to be like, oh, I should have done this more. I should have walked with them every day. I should have cherished those moments in between.

But now when I have friendships and I have relationships, nothing matters. To me, at least, any issue is small because I’m able to put in perspective the things that I’ve lost and been able to now understand the gravity of what that means and losing someone. And so I feel like, as a person, I’m much better of an emotional person with other people because of that as well. Yeah, of course. But I don’t know. I can never think about that.

JAY SHETTY: I’m genuinely so in awe of your ability to process so much in so little time. And I don’t say that as empty flattery at all. I say it with as much gravitas as you can probably say it with, because. And it’s so interesting to me because two people can go through the same thing and have completely different reactions. Yeah. And everyone’s allowed to process it however they decide to process it.

But it feels like the way you’ve been able to walk these footsteps is allowing you to continue to grow and heal, but not crush yourself.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: Under the responsibility that you shouldn’t have had to carry as a kid anyway. And I think that’s what’s so interesting is so many of us as young people carry weight that was too heavy, that shouldn’t have even ever come across, even as an adult, and you end up carrying that weight continuously.

And it feels like. I’m not saying it was easy or that’s not my interpretation of it, but what I’m hearing is you’ve almost been able to put the weight down at the right time when you’ve needed to in order to move forward.

Everything Is a Lesson

ALEX WARREN: Yeah. Yeah, I. I don’t know.

JAY SHETTY: I agree with that.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, I do. I just have this outlook on life that the. It sounds so redundant and I keep saying it, but truly, I think that everything that has happened in my life is a lesson.

JAY SHETTY: Where did that come from? How did you even get to that place?

ALEX WARREN: I don’t even know.

JAY SHETTY: You just had to believe that’s. It’s a survival instinct. Like, that’s what I’m.

ALEX WARREN: I started thinking about, what’s the point? Yeah, I started thinking about my life, and I think I had a moment where I had a reflection, but also had. I battled with depression a little while ago, and I started to think, what was the point? Why did all these things happen to me? Why is this my life and where am I supposed to be?

And I think, you know, like you said, there are two ways of dealing with it. There’s a lot of people, you know, and my family’s full of it. My family’s full of different ways that we have all endured what we went through, because I’m not the only one. And we’ve all gone different routes of that.

And for me, I just started to think, what is the point if I’m not treating this the way? I can’t control the fact that my parents are dead. I can’t control the fact that, you know, life is fleeting and, you know, I’ve had friends die and all these different things and, you know, or even, like, the mistakes that happen, getting cheated on or just random stuff that has happened in my life.

And then I start to realize if everything in life is a way to another thing, you know, what happens to you is a byproduct of a decision that someone made. And your reaction is what follows.

JAY SHETTY: Right.

ALEX WARREN: And for me, if I lose someone, it teaches me something. In some aspect of life, if I make a mistake on stage, I truly think that that’s something, because I need to learn. Mistakes are only important if you learn from them, and if you don’t, it’s a habit.

And so I’ve just really stressed that aspect of my life every day of, you know, growing. Because what’s the point of living if you can’t grow? What’s the point of living if you can’t constantly try and become a better person?

The one thing I know about my dad, and I don’t know much because he died when I was a kid. Everyone I ask says he was the nicest person ever, says he was the kindest person ever. Says he was a light when he walked through a room.

And I often think of, when I die, what is someone going to say about me? You know? And so for me, I’ve always just strived and chased that ability to be like my dad. And every day, I’m constantly striving to be a better human. And the only way you do that is by growth. And the only way you grow is by learning from your mistakes.

Why focus on the things you can’t change? Focus on the reaction of what has happened.

What Legacy Will You Leave?

JAY SHETTY: What do you hope people will say about you when you die?

ALEX WARREN: I feel like a lot of people have probably sat here and said something about their career. And I just want to be. I want someone to say that I was a great father. I want people to be like that. Say what you want about me. Say what you want about my music, but I cared a lot, and I just want to be a good father. That’s what my entire life has set off to be, you know?

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. I love the videos you make for my kids. Yeah. Yeah, for your kids. That was inspiring me. I was like, I need to start. I need to get on that train.

ALEX WARREN: My dad left us home videos.

JAY SHETTY: No way. Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: So that was the coolest part about.

JAY SHETTY: Daddy filmed for you.

Keeping His Father’s Memory Alive

ALEX WARREN: Everything. Everything. I have hours of footage of what my dad filmed. I get to hear his voice. And I think that’s the other thing that no one teaches you about grief, is you start to forget the smell of someone. You start to forget what they sound like. You forget what it’s like to hold someone after having a bad day, confiding someone.

You don’t know how badly. The one thing I wish is I could call my dad and just ask for advice about marriage, about fatherhood, about just things you go through. Like, that’s the thing I take for granted, just being able to call him. You know, I called every day to hear that voicemail, every day, until one day someone picked up the phone. And because my mom couldn’t afford to keep paying the bill.

And so that’s the one thing is, like, it’s been so nice to be able to see those videos and humanize someone who I didn’t know. I often hear about my dad, and I’ve put him on this pedestal of just being this perfect guy, and I don’t want him to be. I want him to have mistakes. I want him to have flaws, because I have flaws, and I want to see that in my dad.

And so my dad’s best friend comes around all the time. He’s in my life so much. He’s like an uncle to me. And he brought these letters because back then they didn’t have phones. And my dad used to. They used to write each other letters. And it’s his bestest friend, and he gets choked up talking about him all the time.

And he showed me these letters. And I write just like my dad. I say psyched for no reason. I don’t know why I say it. I’m like, oh, I’m psyched. That’s sick. And everyone’s like, what are you talking about? And he wrote it in every letter. Someone I didn’t know.

Like, think about that. I did not know my dad. I was nine years old. I have memories of him the same way I have memories about my doctor, you know, and that’s hard. And there’s so much of him in me. And that’s the coolest part, is being able to every day learn something new about him.

And I say this, and I don’t know where I heard it, and I never came up with this, but people die twice. They die when they die, and they die when you stop telling their story. And my whole goal, with everything in my entire career, my entire life, is just to keep him alive, which has been really cool.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, I think you’re doing a great job of that.

ALEX WARREN: I mean, try my damn best.

Carrying Those We’ve Lost

JAY SHETTY: Even. I feel like. I feel so. You know, I feel like when you talk about your dad, I feel so close to him, even though I have no idea of who he was. And I couldn’t agree with you more. I feel that you carry a part of the people that you lost that you love.

I had a spiritual mentor of mine, a father figure who passed away five years ago, who I love deeply. And he had stage four brain cancer. And so he started to lose his memory towards the last few years of his life. So he went from remembering my face and name to my name, to towards the end, not even noticing me. Yeah.

And he’s. I can relate to that point of just. He’s the person I wish I could call to share anything that happens in my life, because that’s what he was. And all of this took off after he passed away.

ALEX WARREN: Really.

JAY SHETTY: And yeah, it’s one of those things. But I fully agree with that. I talk about him a lot on the podcast. I talk about him a lot with friends and family because there was no one like him.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And I almost wish more people got to experience him, to know what was possible as a human and how someone could live with. So he had this because he had stage four brain cancer and his memory started to break. When he’d meet people, all he’d do was thank them for their service to God. And so his brain was stuck on gratitude.

ALEX WARREN: Wow.

JAY SHETTY: So all he’d do is thank people so he could forget their name, forget their face. But because he was a leader in our spiritual community, he would just, if he’d meet you, he’d just be like, “Thank you for your service to God.” And he’d really mean it. Like, “Thank you for everything you’ve been doing.”

ALEX WARREN: That’s beautiful.

The Power of Resilience and Forgiveness

JAY SHETTY: And it was just, and I was like, wow. Like, God, if my brain ever broke, I hope it breaks like that. That just shows what’s really in there.

But as I’m hearing you talk about this, it’s almost like every phase of your life—I mean, when I was preparing for this, I was like, and now I’m getting to meet you, obviously. So I have a completely different perspective because I’m looking at how much resilience you have and strength you have and how much you’re willing to open the wound as well and look at it from different angles.

Which is at 17, your mom kicks you out of the house, and then you end up, as you said a few moments ago, you end up being homeless and living in a car. Talk to me about the day to day of living in a car as a 17 year old, because, I mean.

ALEX WARREN: I had it pretty lucky. I’m not going to lie. I slept in cars. My friends would sneak me into their houses and I would sleep on their floors, hiding, hoping no one walked in.

There was only a few nights where I actually slept on the road, probably two. I think that’s the biggest thing for me. My mom kicked me out because she wanted me to come back. She wanted me to—I think her whole thing, and what I never realized, was this insecurity of being a mother.

For me, I had a point where that night, she had pinned me on the ground and just started wailing, punching as hard as she could. My brother, who’s a Marine, ended up pulling her off. And I ran out of the house and I never came back.

That was something where then the next day, she called the cops, and the cops went looking for me, saying that I hit her. A whole thing. And so I just hid. I hid on the street, hid in my friend’s cars.

My mom then called all of their friends’ parents and said I’m bad news and all these things. And then they stopped letting me sleep in their house. And so I would sleep in a car.

And then I ended up getting shot by my friend’s dad with a 177, which is like a baby—it’s like a, you know, you hunt deer or rabbits or something with it. And the way it’s shaped is supposed to do as much damage to the animal. And it was an accident. He didn’t mean to, or he didn’t understand the scope of it.

JAY SHETTY: Why did he do it? Why did he even?

ALEX WARREN: I think a lot of the guys who grew up in the 70s and 80s would shoot each other with pellet guns. That was the thing. And I don’t think they realized this wasn’t a pellet gun. And it was like a hunting rifle. And he also, I don’t know if he knew it was loaded, but we were filming a video and he said, “Right, run.”

I ran and zigzagged because I thought that would work. And damn, was he a good shot. He nailed me right in the liver. And it went up. It missed my heart by a few centimeters, and it stuck in my lung. Today.

JAY SHETTY: It’s still there today.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah. It’s so small that if you were to X-ray, you can see it, but if you were to pull it out, you’d have to break my ribs, and there’d be a chance I would die. And it’s just not worth it. It’s capsized in my lung right now. My right lung.

Surviving the Unthinkable

JAY SHETTY: Talk to me about how it felt in the moment. I mean, that’s excruciating.

ALEX WARREN: Have you ever seen those videos of paintballs hitting your body in slow motion? Felt like that. It hit a nerve. I jumped up. I broke my elbow or I fractured it or whatever.

And I just remember the worst pain you’ll ever feel in your entire life. I don’t know what it’s like to get shot with a 9 mil, but that was—it was burning in my body, and I was scratching my chest, trying to just get the pain. I was like, “Make it stop, please.”

And I remember when I was shot, they didn’t believe it was in me. They thought it was around. And so they were squeezing the wound, trying to get the pellet out, thinking it was at surface level, not realizing I was bleeding internally.

That was probably the worst pain I’ve ever felt my entire life—feeling the pellet burn, or bullet. Technically, it’s a bullet burning in my body. That was hard. That one sucked.

JAY SHETTY: Did you go to the hospital immediately?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, I went to the hospital. They admitted me for a gunshot wound. I had the cops come, because every time you admit anyone to the hospital for a GSW, the cops come. This guy, funny enough, he officiated my wedding.

JAY SHETTY: Guy who shot you?

ALEX WARREN: Huge part of my life, actually. He’s a huge part of my life. He was a father figure to me when my dad passed away and he made a mistake. I’m also probably the most forgiving person you’ll ever meet.

JAY SHETTY: You literally—wow. I think, Alex, we need to slow down here.

ALEX WARREN: No, he’s amazing. He’s truly—his family has been such a crucial part of my life. And in my recovery, not recovery, but in my life of becoming who I am today. He has been—he’s someone I still go back home and visit. And he officiated my wedding.

His daughter is my best friend since I was 13. And he was letting me sleep on the floor of his house and sleep in his car. And when this happened, he obviously paid the hospital bills, and he bought me a—he owns a Volvo dealership or he manages a Volvo dealership. And so I had a car, and I slept in it, which was awesome.

So the car that I had, it was a stick shift, 1994 wagon. It was great. Volvo wagon.

JAY SHETTY: How long did that recovery take?

ALEX WARREN: Recovery? I was in the hospital for two months, maybe a month and a half.

JAY SHETTY: And you said it just missed your heart.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: But nothing in your lung?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, but it can’t do any damage in there. If I fall from a certain height, is what they said. If I fall to my body at 10 feet, maybe.

JAY SHETTY: So no flips.

ALEX WARREN: I still flip.

JAY SHETTY: But it’s not something you think about. It doesn’t cause any pain.

ALEX WARREN: Sometimes. Oh, sometimes.

JAY SHETTY: What about for singing?

ALEX WARREN: I need to get my lungs checked out, especially because I just—I quit smoking three years ago. When I was homeless, I really got into smoking cigarettes, and then I went to vaping. And so I really want to get my lungs checked out, especially having cancer run in my family.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: But yeah, I need to get that checked out. I have no idea. All I know is I sing my little heart out.

JAY SHETTY: That’s crazy.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

Finding Beauty Through Darkness

JAY SHETTY: I mean, it’s just almost—I mean, I’m in shock right now because it’s just thing after thing after thing after thing.

ALEX WARREN: I mean, it’s, you know, sounds fake.

JAY SHETTY: No, no, I didn’t feel that. I just feel like it’s hard and it’s just—it doesn’t sound fake to me. It just sounds—

ALEX WARREN: Oh, I say it all the time.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: It doesn’t sound real.

JAY SHETTY: It doesn’t sound real in the sense of just—you can’t believe someone survived it all. That’s the hard part. It’s like, how did someone survive it all and not end up—you know, it’s almost like, how did someone survive it all and have the approach you have to it.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: That’s what, sitting with you here today, knowing all of this and then hearing about it from you in detail, and I’m like, how do you not have a vice?

ALEX WARREN: How do I not have a vice of sorts?

JAY SHETTY: No, no, it’s not even—

ALEX WARREN: No idea. It’s just how you just gone in a fully different—

JAY SHETTY: That’s what I mean. It’s the outlook that is the most profound to me, and I’m really grateful for that. It’s quite beautiful to sit with that, because I’m always looking for—I was on tour this year, earlier this year, and I met this young girl whose story’s just stayed with me ever since.

She was from here. She was a world champion cheerleader winning all these competitions, traveling across the country, performing, everything that cheerleaders do. And then she had a freak accident. Broke her back. Spine. She’s a quadriplegic now. She is paralyzed from her hands down.

I met her in her wheelchair that she’d come to my event. She’s 19 years old. She was 16 when it happened.

ALEX WARREN: Wow.

JAY SHETTY: And she was just bright and beaming and the light in the—she was just, you know, brought so much light into the room.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And I just couldn’t believe someone who’d been through that—she was telling me a story—could be that powerful and vibrant and everything else.

And I tell her story and I’m so grateful I get to share yours on the platform because these are the kind of stories that inspire me and make me look for the lesson and make me look for the gift. Because it’s stories like yours and stories like hers and stories like so many others that I’ve had the fortune of talking to or people I look forward to meeting in the future that inspire me in my darkest moments, which are not as dark as that, not to compare, but they’re not.

And so, or is yours. And yeah, it’s beautiful to think that you can find beauty and create beauty through so much.

Music as Universal Healing

ALEX WARREN: As far as inspiration for me just to be able to—dude, growing up, I wanted an outlet in music, and I didn’t know it. I didn’t find it. I didn’t see it until I heard Lewis Capaldi when I was 18. I think I was 18 when I heard Lewis, and he started writing about loss.

And that was something that was hugely inspirational for me. I write about that now, and that got me through a lot of stuff. So I think that was the biggest thing—I wanted to be that for someone else. I wanted to help other people.

I think the one thing that I did that was super selfish was assume that this was all me. I assumed that this only happens to me. And I’m the only one who has lost his parents, and I’m the only one who goes through these feelings.

And as I started to play these shows and as I started to write these songs, I realized that it’s way more than you think. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, no matter how much you make or what your skin color is, you go through loss. You understand that you have things that you lose every day. Your family members, your friends, your loved ones, your dog.

And that’s the one thing that’s universally, I think, connecting everyone—understanding that piece of you is gone. And everyone tries not to talk about it.

And so the most beautiful thing about making music has been able to be a—it’s one thing you can’t articulate when you lose someone and going through grief, it’s something you cannot articulate. You don’t know how to go through it. And everyone has a different vice on how to.

And I think that’s the biggest thing—making music that sounds like it. Making music that allows you to articulate that feeling. And so I’ve just been really focusing on that.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, I think that’s—I mean, especially for things that can’t be put into words, it feels like that’s exactly where music comes to heal. Because you feel seen, you feel heard, you feel understood without having to say anything. You can just put it on and it’s amazing to hear that Lewis was doing that.

Was there any other artists that you feel have opened that up and gone there to that extent that impacted you?

ALEX WARREN: Probably Shawn Mendes. I think we were talking about Sean earlier too, and Sean is. When I first wrote my first song, I fully. I’m so sorry, Sean, if you’re. I ripped off “Stitches” fully. I stole the four chords that he did and I would just move the capo around and that’s obviously a version before, but that was a huge thing. Songwriting. My first four years of my life, songwriting was just Shawn Mendes, “Stitches,” chords moving around a capo. And because I didn’t know how to play guitar. And it was a huge inspiration just listening to songwriting too, and understanding, you know, his understanding different ways people grow up and different things they go through. And his songwriting was a huge inspiration for mine. So, yeah, probably him.

JAY SHETTY: We love Sean. He’s been a guest on the show too. And he’s, yeah, he’s absolutely sweetheart. Special man.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

Self-Taught Musical Journey

JAY SHETTY: So wait, all of your music knowledge is fully self-taught?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah. Yeah. Not until I was about 20, 21, I really put out my first song. And I was like, I need to take this, I need to do this and throw my whole, my everything into it. I wanted to do it right. I wanted to, obviously, because music. I had such a weird relationship with it my entire life that I definitely have really bad imposter syndrome.

So I started taking music theory lessons. I started taking piano lessons. I take vocal lessons three times a week, if not more. Still to this day for the last four years of my life I started taking guitar lessons and you know, asking how to produce and like, you know, when I’m in the studio, what do you do to my voice? How do you do that? What do you do to this instrument? How do you compress that? How do you EQ that? And when I’m doing my in-ear monitors, what’s the frequency you’re taking out? What is auto tuned at? Is it 440 or 432? And I think it’s really interesting just learning about it and kind of starting from scratch and re-evaluating what you understand about music. So yeah, I was self-taught for a very long time and then I really wanted to understand it all.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, I love hearing the balance of both, of just this pure passion and then mastery. It sounds like where you’re actually trying to put in the hours and the work and the, you know, the reps in a more formal capacity at the same time as having this years of just singing or musically or posting a video when there wasn’t any training or structure around.

ALEX WARREN: I had to do it all myself and I realized that I was fortunate enough to be able to have an arsenal of help and so I just took it.

Meeting Kouva

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. What did it, what did it feel like? You talked about, you mentioned it earlier and I’m kind of looping back to it, but you talked about like how when you met your now wife, Kouva. Yeah, like that there was something special about that connection. And I believe you met on Snapchat.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, yeah.

JAY SHETTY: Which is, which is amazing. Talk to me about how that happens.

ALEX WARREN: In the new age. Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, no, she, my friend had moved to Hawaii. She’s from Hawaii. And my friend had moved in with her and they were friends and so she would throw my wife Kouva on her story a lot. And there was this photo and so funny. I tell the story of the time and she’s like, I hate that photo.

My wife can sleep anywhere at any time, in any position, anytime. Like she comes surfing with me in the morning and she’ll fall asleep on the rock. Like I’m not kidding. There’s photos of her sleeping on rocks. There’s a photo of her. The first photo I ever saw of her was her sleeping in a weird position like this. And I texted my friend and I said that’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. And we started talking on Snapchat.

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What part of you did you share with Kouva that you think was hidden until then? Like, was there something that Kouva brought out of you that you didn’t even know you had within yourself? Seems like you have such a special relationship.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, I don’t know a single girl who would find out that I’m homeless and go, cool, let’s do it. She dropped out of college. She had 500 bucks saved up. That’s it. She found out I was sleeping in a car and immediately was like, all right, cool. Like, let’s do it.

JAY SHETTY: That is. That is the crazy. I am like, I, I, I cannot believe. She’s amazing.

ALEX WARREN: I know. She’s, she’s. I, I’m.

JAY SHETTY: Have you asked her, like, why she said yes to that? Like, why?

ALEX WARREN: No, actually, I should. I should examine that. You’re right.

JAY SHETTY: Next time, I want her on the podcast with you.

ALEX WARREN: I didn’t, I, I didn’t expect when she said yes to go, why? Like, yeah, dude, I’m not going to question this.

JAY SHETTY: Did you ask her, like, you were, like, you were dating, things were going good. Did you ask her to move in with you? Like, was it that kind?

ALEX WARREN: No, she just. She did it. She. It was. It was straight up, like, I was sleeping in my car. She was staying with a friend because she lived in Hawaii, but she came out to California just to visit, and then she was like, oh, cool. Yeah. And moved out of her friend’s house, moved into my car.

She had options. She. She. She picked probably the one that no one would have picked. And I think that’s the thing it taught me for me, like, that’s something I probably have done. You know, as I’ve said all these stories now, I feel like I’m one of those people who I trust my gut. And it seemed like her gut was that and she didn’t question it. And I. I feel like that was kind of the indication of like, wow, this isn’t a normal person. This is my person.

Past Relationships and Learning to Trust

JAY SHETTY: How were your relationship before that? Did you have time for relationships? What did they look like through your teens?

ALEX WARREN: I was notoriously cheated on. I was. Well, I think I. I think I looked for what I was missing in my home life and. And girls. I mean, I met my wife when I was 18, so, like, you got to think everything before that was probably not real, but we’re not real, but just not necessarily, I would say mature.

I was a clingy guy. Like, I was a super clingy guy who needed, you know, who didn’t trust anyone. I got cheated on every relationship. I was not a catch by any means, you know. So I think relationships before were just me trying to figure out who I was, but also what I wanted in a partner, you know.

JAY SHETTY: Was it difficult accepting love from Kouva because you’d not had consistent love before?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, it was definitely. It took me a second to be secure with my relationship. Probably took me a year or two. To be frank with you, man. I don’t think I was secure at all. I think I just had so much baggage. I had so much shit in my life. My mom was alive at the time, and my mom made it a mission to make my life hell. So my mom said some pretty choice words to my girlfriend or now wife at time. The. At the time.

JAY SHETTY: What did she say?

ALEX WARREN: She sent her a whole message, pretty much being like, you know, calling her a b and saying all these things. My mom was probably the most. My mom was an amazing person, but when she was drunk, she was probably the most racist, homophobic, rude person I ever grew up with, which kind of showed me my mom. I will say this, and again, I love my mother, but she showed me exactly who I didn’t want to be, you know, and hence why I go by Alex Warren.

It’s my mom. I didn’t want anything my mom did ever reflect on me because I am not that person. I never want to be that person. And so I started going by my not real name because I never wanted that part of that to be associated with me. But my mom was not a kind person when she was drunk. And she made it a mission to attack anyone in her life, which is probably an insecurity thing in herself.

JAY SHETTY: Was the name change an identity shift unsettling, or did it just feel.

ALEX WARREN: Just felt right, felt normal, felt, felt. It gave me so much easement, you know. My mom was just very vocal about things that I didn’t agree with, which I feel like everyone has that. No, I can’t. I don’t think Thanksgivings are necessarily everyone’s favorite thing, you know?

JAY SHETTY: Who did you celebrate Thanksgiving?

ALEX WARREN: Family. Yeah. My older sister and my brother. Yeah. And. And, yeah, so we went out and we went to their house for Thanksgiving, which was nice.

Music Career and Mother’s Passing

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. How cathartic was it to have your music career take off in the same year as your mum passed away? Like, did that mean something to you? Did that have certain emotions attached to it for you?

ALEX WARREN: I’ve never thought of the correlation. Wow. Yeah. I didn’t even realize those are the same years. I never thought about it like that.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, I think I’m right.

ALEX WARREN: You are. You are. I put my first song out in June of 2021, and she died in October of 2021. That’s crazy. I don’t know. I, I’ve never thought about that. I, I, that’s cool. I, I don’t know how to react to that. I think it’s something that I’d have to probably process.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, of course. No, of course. Please. Didn’t mean to shock you. Just.

ALEX WARREN: No, no, no. I mean, it’s not that.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. I appreciate it.

ALEX WARREN: It’s not this revolutionary thing. It’s more of a. It’s more of like, it’s. I, I definitely feel like my. What has now spewed of my music career is something that, you know, has been dealing with those things. And the fact that that happened the same year I pursued music, I feel like it’s just another one of those things that have just happened that you kind of have to wonder what. What the hell is happening in my life?

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Yeah, it’s. Yeah, it’s. Yeah. Life is just. There’s so many moments like that that are. Yeah. You. You can’t explain them because you go, how. How is it possible.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: That these two things coincide in a matter of months?

ALEX WARREN: So many. So many things in my life, you know, to the point where it’s like, you know, I, I’m baffled by it every time.

JAY SHETTY: So many sliding doors moments in your life, too. I’m almost like, like, well, what if you and your mom didn’t have that fight where you were pinned and you didn’t run away. Yeah. And what would happen if you didn’t get shot and become really close to, you know, your friend’s dad who, you know, was the officiant of your. Like, there’s. And everyone has that. Everyone has those. Yours seem quite. There’s just. There’s just really high tension moments of just figuring that out. Talk to me about the wedding with Kouva.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: How long were you together before you got married?

ALEX WARREN: Five years.

JAY SHETTY: Okay.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: Five years until I proposed. Six years until we got married.

JAY SHETTY: And where did you get married? What? Where did you get married?

ALEX WARREN: We got married in Temecula.

JAY SHETTY: Okay.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah. So I. I’m from San Diego. Yes. So it was something cool. We got married at a garden.

JAY SHETTY: Temecula’s beautiful. Yeah.

The Wedding and Vows

ALEX WARREN: I was terrified. The wedding. Temecula is a great place. No, the wedding. I wanted it to be perfect. And it’s so crazy when you have family and everyone. You invite a bunch of people. And I wanted this big wedding because I think that there was so many people that were a huge part of my life. So many people are the byproducts of who I am today. And so I invited everyone in my life. I think there was 300 people at my wedding.

Looking back at that, I probably would have shrunk it a little bit. But yeah, I think everyone just wanted it to be a particular way because they wanted it to be like their wedding. And I think that rehearsal dinner was terrifying. Nothing went to plan. Nothing went to plan at the rehearsal dinner or the rehearsal in general.

And the minute the wedding actually happened, it was perfect. It was perfection. I could not have dreamed of a better wedding. And it was amazing. It was so cool to be able to—I mean, even like my vows, I don’t think I’ll ever write a piece of work better than those.

JAY SHETTY: You sing?

ALEX WARREN: No, I didn’t want to work on my wedding. And with the vows, I also just wanted to make sure that I said everything I wanted to. And I think that’s the biggest regret in my life is I never got to say the things I wanted to in the time that I had.

And the wedding was something for me where I thought that would be the perfect time to say everything I’ve ever wanted to her. And so I spent the better half of that night prior just perfecting those vows. And I remember before I even went out, I read it over again, and I was like, do I want to do a grammar change? It was so funny and it just came from the heart and it was so special.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, that’s beautiful. Yeah. I’m a big—I’m a sucker for love. And I’ve officiated a few weddings and whenever I’m officiating a wedding, my voice in my head is, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Because I love love so much that I can just fully break down and I’m tearing over the bride walking down the aisle and then the look in the husband-to-be’s eyes and the groom’s eyes, and it’s just—yeah, it’s a magical moment.

And vows are probably my favorite part. That’s the part where I really have to hold it together. Weddings are a beautiful thing. I remember I broke down saying my own vows to my wife.

ALEX WARREN: Oh, my God.

JAY SHETTY: When I gave my speech and it was just—she was laughing, she was cracking up, which is so indicative of our relationship, right?

ALEX WARREN: I love that.

Learning From His Mother

JAY SHETTY: What are the parts of your—I find this, and I’m intrigued to hear what you say about this. You said that you learned from your mom who you didn’t want to be. What are the parts of your mom that you sometimes see in yourself when you’re dealing with Kova or anyone?

ALEX WARREN: I’m stubborn. I’m really stubborn, man. I mean, that’s difficult. I think I spent so much time arguing with my mom that I just became so argumentative. And I think that’s my biggest thing and my biggest struggle is I think I just want to win every argument now.

Growing up with my mom, my entire relationship with her was trying to prove that she had a problem and trying to spin my words a certain way to articulate to her that she had a problem. If I said it one way, she would tell me that she didn’t have a problem and shut it down. So every time I had that, I had to articulate it a different way, try to give her a perspective.

Big metaphor guy. Because I always tried to correlate to someone who’s—I always wondered how someone’s brain worked, that they couldn’t admit that they had a problem or couldn’t understand that if you’re getting drunk at 5 a.m. and driving your kids drunk to school, right? So I’d find different ways to try and communicate with her. Because I always thought it was a communication error, and it was never that. And that was my problem is it was never communication error. It was not wanting to admit you had a problem, but you knowing it did.

So for me, now that’s better half of my entire life. I catch myself arguing with my wife, trying to win, opposed to trying to understand where they’re coming from. You hear something and that’s the biggest thing is the last two years of my life have been me just trying to put myself in other people’s shoes because that’s the one thing I carried away from it.

Whenever someone would argue with me, I didn’t care about how they felt. I cared about winning the argument. And I had to take a step back. And I think once I started music especially and just really writing records, it really kind of changed who I am now. And I’ve been able to really emotionally be present in a lot of things and understand that how someone feels is important. And I know that.

And after—I remember after every argument, I’d be like, wow, I’m a piece of shit. I didn’t—I obviously care. I obviously care. But during that moment, it just, it was instinct of just to be combative. And so I remember it would be an hour long conversation just for it to end with, I’m sorry. That’s not—

JAY SHETTY: I can relate. I’m with you.

ALEX WARREN: I can relate. And so it’s just—that’s been definitely one of the things I’ve carried from my mom. It’s just truly that relationship where there was just so—

Breaking Cycles and Future Parenthood

JAY SHETTY: What are the cycles you and Kova want to break for your kids? I know you said the goal is to become a dad.

ALEX WARREN: And the cycles, I think, wow, I don’t know. I think more about how I’m terrified to be a parent because I don’t want to do it wrong, especially with the way I grew up. I grew up without a dad. How am I supposed to understand what that’s like if I never had it?

And so what I’ve really thought about is just the fact that I want to be a girl dad so bad. I don’t know what it is. I just think I would thrive with a girl. And I think the biggest thing is the only thing you can do right is love them unconditionally and try your best to raise them. There is no right way. There is no proper thing. It’s just going to be me trying to be the best father I can be.

I think with things that we’re trying to break, I’m not sure I haven’t given that much thought. I haven’t necessarily thought about what that might look like yet, which is going to be an interesting conversation or at least interesting thought process when I go into it.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, definitely. I’m excited to see what you both come out with. I feel like there’s—you have so many great reflections. Pinpoints and almost—

ALEX WARREN: I’ve really battled with not—when she gets pregnant, I don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t want to post about it. I don’t want to. That’s been the one thing I really—everything in my life is private or it is not private. Granted, I tell you everything. And I love that aspect of my life. And I think I battle the one thing about it with is, I’m so insecure now. I’m so—I have the worst imposter syndrome. I care about what everyone thinks about me.

JAY SHETTY: Really?

ALEX WARREN: I care so much. If I have a thousand comments and one of them is someone saying, “I suck,” I walk around all day asking people if I suck. Wait, but this person said I suck. Do I actually suck? Wait, was this fine? Was I off here?

And I could never put my kid through that unless they wanted to. But I wouldn’t—I don’t know if I could ever. Do you know how distraught I’d be if I decided to share a photo with my kid and someone’s like, “That kid’s ugly”? Are you kidding? I’m not going to put them through that. I’m going to put myself through that knowing my genius.

JAY SHETTY: No. But I don’t know.

ALEX WARREN: But my wife is—she loves talking about the things she loves, posting about stuff. So it’s definitely been a thing where that’s been a huge, huge conversation. Is posting about that. And I don’t think I will.

Dealing With Criticism and Insecurity

JAY SHETTY: Has that been the—because when you look at your life and you think you’ve been through so much hardship, and it’s fascinating that a comment saying you suck still hurts. It just shows us as humans, we’re all wired so similarly. It doesn’t matter that you’ve dealt with way harder things in your life.

Having a doubt—having a one out of thousand comment that says you suck, it still hurts because we all don’t want to be hated on. Has that been the hardest thing about this rise and the music getting so much love and affection? Of course, across the world comes with it naturally. Proportionately comes people who don’t like it or whatever it may be. Has that been the hardest thing about it?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, I think so. I think again, the music I make is so real to me. It’s hard not to take it personal. So many people are like, “Oh, it’s art. Don’t take it personal. They’re judging your art. They’re not judging you.” And my art is me.

JAY SHETTY: That writing “One More I Love You.”

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, that was—I’m not thinking about the song and how you don’t like it. I’m thinking about the fact that there’s a 15-year-old kid who wrote that in his bedroom trying to get over loss. And that’s the hardest part for it.

And I also think it’s—I think it’s probably my mom’s voice when I look for that comment. I’m looking for my mom in some random way. If I had a therapist, I bet she would say that. But yeah, it’s just been one of those situations in my life especially. I’ve just really kind of—it’s the hardest thing.

Dude, I am the most insecure mother you ever meet, which most of us are. What I’ve learned is most people in this industry are the most insecure people where you think they have it all together and everything’s being held together by tape and nails.

JAY SHETTY: What are you insecure about?

ALEX WARREN: Everything. I am—everything. I think it’s so easy for me to say all these different things because it’s true and I believe it. But at the same time, I look in the mirror and I—not even the way I look. I just wish I—these songs are so true, these songs are so real. And I want them to be perfect every time. And that’s not humanly possible.

I want—I’ve worked so hard and I just want people to think I’m good enough, because I think that’ll convince me I’m good enough. And so when I see comments that are hateful, I think that’s the truth. And I think everyone who’s being nice is just gaslighting me, which is a perception thing that I need to work on.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Do you feel enough today?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah, I had a really good show last night. And it’s funny, it fluctuates. But I don’t know. I’ve been feeling the love recently. I think the hardest part about being nominated for the Grammys and all these different things is it opens people up who do not like you to fully just shit on you. That’s been the one thing I’ve really had to—

JAY SHETTY: Had to—critics or online, everyone?

ALEX WARREN: I think, you know, more now than ever, it’s perception. I think because I’m a Christian who writes songs about my wife, people think they know who I am. Or they assume I’m something, you know, whether it’s political or they think that I believe in this. I’ve seen the most outlandish things said about me on the Internet.

The biggest thing is, I just don’t comment on it because those people, I’m not going to change their mind, you know. If you think I’m some racist or whatever this thing, because you think because I’m a Christian, I think that’s the craziest thing in the world, you know. My faith has to do with my parents passing away and who I am today, you know.

It’s been such a struggle to kind of watch people say things about me that is not true, you know. All of a sudden, I just have to be okay with it and not say anything because that’s the right play. You fight for yourself, these people aren’t going to believe you. You know, they’re just going to be like, “Oh, you’re just saying that because you sold your soul.”

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. I came up with a rule a few years ago that really helped me process stuff. I was like, the closer you get to the top 1% or whatever industry you’re in, the more likely it is that 50% of people disagree with you.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And that math helped it make sense because I remember when my comment section was just like the nicest place on earth, like when it was cute and cozy and everything else. Then you just realize you’re like, okay, scale means disagreement. It means disconnection. It means debate, whatever it means. You realize that it’s not a reflection of you, me, or anyone else. It’s normally just a reflection of too many opinions and just that.

One thing that’s really helped me a lot is recognizing that hate is loud and love is usually soft and quiet.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And that hate is so aggressive and direct. But love is so indirect and subtle in how we share it.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And I’ve tried really hard over the last couple of years to take, so before, I used to be indifferent to both. What’s really helped me recently is to be as gracious in receiving love.

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: As I was serious about reading hate. So when I used to read the hateful comments, you read them and you take them seriously. I get that feeling. If you read one bad comment, you’re like, “I must suck.” And you check in with everyone. So you’re taking it so seriously. If I’m going to take it that seriously, I need to take the love as graciously as I took that.

So now if someone says to me, “Jay, I listen to this episode with Alex, and I couldn’t believe Alex was,” you know, it’s like, I would try and take that in far more graciously and presently than I ever would. Because I recognize that I have to rewire my brain not to only listen to the good stuff or only think positive. That’s not the goal. But to truly let my heart and soul feel the impact. Because I definitely let my heart and soul feel the impact of someone, you know, trying to hurt me.

ALEX WARREN: 110%. It’s such a strange thing. I think that was the one part that was really hard for me to turn off was the fact that I want to defend myself every second. You know, I see so many things about me on the Internet that are not true. Everyone just assumes these things because of who I am or how I’m perceived on the Internet.

So it’s just like a weird thing of just, you want to defend so badly. Be like, “No, no, I’m not like that. Look, I’m this.” And it’s like, it doesn’t matter. People are going to believe whatever the hell they want to believe anyway. But that’s the hardest thing is shutting the f* up.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Yeah. I remember once I said, “I wish I could sit down one on one with every single person who doesn’t understand me. If I could just hold their hands for a moment and look in their eyes and explain my intention and what I was going through and what I was struggling with.” You know, whatever it may be. And I know I can’t do that physically, so, you know, it’s crazy. But I get it. Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: I hope one day, I hope one day that some people just realize my intentions. My intention is just to make music that can help people. Everything past that, it doesn’t matter. I think that’s the problem is everyone looks at these things so much, and they view it as arbitrary, and they just want to hate on things that they may not like.

I think if you give everything a chance, there’s so much music that I may not love, right. But I respect the fact that they’re trying. I think that’s the biggest thing in life right now is there’s so many popular musicians right now where their fandoms are like, “Oh, Alex, because this, this, this.” And it’s like, dude, do you not realize all of us are friends behind the scenes? All of us are rooting each other on.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah.

ALEX WARREN: You know, and that’s the one thing is, I feel like it’s just such a strange, and obviously it’s the job, it’s the job. But coming from being a fan to then doing it, yeah, it’s the craziest thing. It’s the craziest thing being in it and understanding it and being like, “Wow, I understand why people don’t say anything.” It sucks that you can’t, you know?

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. And it’s so hard because we’re also living in a time where I think everyone’s like, “Let’s be sensitive about each other’s mental health and let’s really be thoughtful about how we make people feel.” And then over nothing, just over, it’s almost like treating music and art like a sports team.

But, Alex, it’s been such a joy talking to you, and I truly hope this is the beginning of getting to know you better and getting to know you more. I’ve loved every moment of your openness, your vulnerability, and I really appreciate just how truly transparent you’re willing to be in order to help people and help people understand your music better.

I think that’s why your music has resonated so strongly and deeply with me and, you know, billions of people around the world, because I believe that everything you shared today is exactly what we’re hearing and feeling in your music. I felt this as deeply as we do the chords and the singing and all the work that comes through with you. So thank you so much.

ALEX WARREN: Thank you. I don’t feel like you realize how much I needed this, obviously. I hope this was really, really important for me.

JAY SHETTY: Well, that means a lot to me. We end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one sentence each. So, Alex Warren, these are your final five. Okay, the first question is, and we ask these to every guest, the first question is, what is the best advice you’ve ever heard or received?

The Final Five

ALEX WARREN: I’ve actually never received any advice I think I’ve used, but I would say the best advice would be, wait, I forgot. This is one sentence.

JAY SHETTY: No, no, that’s fine. That’s fine. You can do that. I’m going to let you do that anyway.

ALEX WARREN: Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever happens in your life.

JAY SHETTY: Life.

ALEX WARREN: Run with it.

JAY SHETTY: Okay, second question. What is the worst advice you’ve ever heard or received?

ALEX WARREN: Give up.

JAY SHETTY: Who said that to you?

ALEX WARREN: My mom.

JAY SHETTY: How many times?

ALEX WARREN: Too many, to the point where I stopped believing it. So that was definitely the thing, and I think it fueled me to even keep going more.

JAY SHETTY: So sometimes it’s great when someone repeats bad advice because you get desensitized from it is what I’m taking away from your brain and how it works. I want to scan your brain one day.

ALEX WARREN: Me too.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, we should do that. Yeah, I would love to do that.

ALEX WARREN: All the colors.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Yeah. I have a lot of neurosciences on the show, so we’ll have to, we’ll have to figure that out. That’d be special to do. Let’s, we’ll arrange that. Question number three. I’d love for you to leave a video for your kids here on the podcast so that, really? Yeah, that would make my day.

ALEX WARREN: All right, cool. Which camera do I look in?

JAY SHETTY: That one?

ALEX WARREN: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: All right.

ALEX WARREN: Hey, kids. It’s your dad. I’m sitting here right now with probably your uncle at this point, or I don’t know, he’s around a lot, and I don’t know if he’s eating out of our fridge or what he’s doing. But I just want you to know that I love you so much, and I pretty much talked about you this entire podcast, and if you want to learn more about me and watch it, I love that.

JAY SHETTY: That’s beautiful. Thank you.

ALEX WARREN: Thank you for letting me do that.

JAY SHETTY: So cool. I just love it.

ALEX WARREN: I love to do that all the time.

JAY SHETTY: I love that you do it all the time. You’re inspiring me to want to do it. I’m going to start doing it because of you.

ALEX WARREN: It’s the best. And I got it from my dad and I think it’s the most special thing, especially when they’re born, I’m going to have a camera everywhere. So they know that, so they just have that moment.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. You’re so young, but did you watch that show, How I Met Your Mother?

ALEX WARREN: Yes.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. It’s like that to me is just, you know, I love that show and I never thought of it.

ALEX WARREN: So you inspired it.

JAY SHETTY: I love it. Question number four. If you could talk to your father today, what would you say to him?

A Message to His Father

ALEX WARREN: Am I everything you wanted me to be? I care more about what my dad thinks than anything. So as I live life, and I think you asked me this so many times today and I didn’t have an answer. As I’m saying this, I think I know it.

As you ask why I have this outlook on life and how I do based on the things I’ve gone through, I think it’s really easy to, when you have a person or you believe someone’s looking down at you, and I like to think that my dad’s proud of me. So that’s the thing is, you know, everything I do, I try to be moral and I try to do the right thing because I truly believe that my dad is watching.

JAY SHETTY: I hope one day we get to see those videos in some capacity.

ALEX WARREN: I would show you anytime.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, that’s, I kind of, if he was able to infuse that much morality, love, kindness, empathy, you’d love them.

ALEX WARREN: I know just after this conversation, you would love those videos.

JAY SHETTY: Really special. Yeah. Genuinely so powerful. Fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who’s ever been on the show. Alex, if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

ALEX WARREN: Be nice to your neighbor. Treat your neighbor the way you want to be treated. I think that’s one, we’ve lost so much. Everyone now more than ever needs it. Where we are today, there’s so much hate and there’s so much judgment, and that’s now more than ever. I just think that everyone needs to be treated the way that they would like to be treated.

JAY SHETTY: Alex Warren, I’m so excited to see you at the Grammys.

ALEX WARREN: I’m excited to see you.

JAY SHETTY: I’m going to be there. I’m really looking forward to seeing you hopefully win. Putting it out there, manifesting right now, it would be wonderful to be there and see you get that award that you so deeply deserve.

ALEX WARREN: I can’t wait to watch Leon Thomas win it. I appreciate you. Thank you so much.

JAY SHETTY: I mean it. I mean it. Alex, such a pleasure, truly.

ALEX WARREN: Thank you.

JAY SHETTY: Thank you. You’re awesome, dude. Such a great guy.

ALEX WARREN: That was so needed.

Facing Fear and Finding Strength

JAY SHETTY: If you love this episode, you’ll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how to speak to yourself with more compassion.

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