On Purpose Podcast: w/ Communication Expert Jefferson Fisher (Transcript)

I’m not being authentic.”

And before you know it, you’ve just been people pleasing. Before you know it, you feel less than yourself. Before you know it, you feel lost and you really don’t know who you are. And now you’re in your mid-40s and you have a crisis and you go, “What is my purpose in life here?” Because you’ve been living it to serve everybody else’s needs, not for what’s true and authentic in your life.

The Fear of Vulnerability in Romantic Relationships

JAY SHETTY: I’m trying to think of someone I was speaking to this week. They said they’re going through a tough romantic situation, dating someone, and they’re scared that if they share how they feel, they may push the other person away. Talk to me about that.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Number one, it’s a valid fear. I’m not going to say that that fear isn’t valid. I think anybody hearing that would go, “Well, that’s certainly understandable.” What if they do? It’s always the “what if they do?” Well, okay, let’s assume that they do. What happens next? If you push them away, what happens? It’s seeing that your life isn’t going to fall apart.

Now, if I come into the conversation and I am not trying to sugarcoat it, and if I’m not trying to say things only to placate you and make you feel good rather than being genuine, I’ve already set up the conversation — and the relationship — on fake. I’m just giving you a mask. I’m giving you a character of what I can tell is going to appease you. I’m going to be the hero. I’m going to be the fixer. I’m going to be the happy one. I’m going to be the one who’s always bubbly and can never be sad. And you give them a character when you choose not to be authentic in the conversation.

So the thought of, “If I do this, I’m going to push them away” — and if you do, what happens? That’s really what the fear is. “Am I enough by myself?” That’s the underlying fear. And when you realize you can be enough without them, all those fears go away.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. And that’s what we’re all working towards,

JEFFERSON FISHER: I feel, is, yeah — am I enough?

The Number One Communication Mistake

JAY SHETTY: Am I enough? And it’s so interesting. I was talking to that person, and I said, whether you choose to have that conversation or not, self-love needs to be worked on either way, because that’s at the root of it. What do you feel? You’ve been doing this for some time. You come from the legal world. What’s the number one communication mistake you see people making today?

JEFFERSON FISHER: The one that I make too is thinking that what is said is exactly what’s heard. Especially in relationships. How many times in a relationship have they repeated back what you said, and you go, “That’s not what I said. I didn’t sound like that. That’s not how I said it.” And when you start arguing, they go, “Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.” And you go, “I wish I had this recorded. I wish I had this on camera so you could have seen how you just spoke to me.” And instead we just start fighting over how it was said.

The better way to go is to ask, “What did you hear? What did you hear?” “Oh, okay, that’s not at all what I meant. Can I redo that? That’s not at all what I meant.” Instead, we split the conversation into something that has nothing to do with the original source.

So the number one communication fault that I see is assuming that what is said is exactly what is heard. When you ask the question, “What did you hear?” — whether it’s in business or in relationships — you always get a different perspective. And that makes the connection that much stronger.

JAY SHETTY: That is such a great answer. Me and my wife went through that same exact thing recently. We were working out in the gym together, having a conversation, and we heard each other totally differently. Misjudged tones. I was being loud because there was music on. She took that as me being a bit triggered or whatever it was. And then we sat down and talked about it. And that’s exactly the conversation we had, where I was like, “I did not sound like that,” and she was like, “Yeah, you did.” And then you realize you’re so right — you end up splitting the conversation and arguing about something you weren’t even arguing about.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yes.

JAY SHETTY: And that’s the worst part, because you end up creating something that is now an issue that wasn’t even an issue in the first place.

Emotional Intelligence and the Willingness to Be Wrong

JEFFERSON FISHER: Absolutely. And it ends up that you will prove yourself wrong. When you say, “No, this is exactly how I said it,” we don’t even really know what our face looks like when we’re talking. Unless you’re in a mirror the whole time, you don’t know. We are terrible judges of our own subjective expressions.

So if you want to know somebody who has strong emotional intelligence, it’s how quickly they get to asking for a reset. How quickly they get to saying, “That’s not my intention. My intention was this.” The quicker you get to that, that’s somebody who says, “I’m okay being wrong.”

JAY SHETTY: What does it take for someone who always thinks they’re right to open up to the idea that they might be wrong?

How to Change Someone’s Mind Without Fighting Their Identity

JEFFERSON FISHER: The person in front of you isn’t fighting you. They’re fighting to be understood by you. They’re fighting to feel understood by you.

When somebody’s clammed up and you have to say, “You need to change your opinion. You’re wrong, I’m right.” That’s not going to happen. You can’t just wish for that. Instead, if I were to say to you, “Listen, I’m not here to change your mind, Jay. This is what I believe” — you hear how just me saying that all of a sudden opens up that curiosity of, “Well, maybe I do want to change my mind. I don’t really know.”

But if I were to say, “How can you possibly think that? You really think that that person is the person you should be voting for?” — as soon as I get into criticism, the more I tell you that you’re wrong, the more convinced you’ll be that you’re right.

Because most likely, if I want you to change your mind and I say that you’re wrong about something, Jay, I’m not just saying you’re wrong. I’m saying that your wife’s wrong, your dad’s wrong, your parents are wrong, your grandmother is wrong. That thing that you went to when you were a kid — that big crystallizing moment in your life that set your belief system — is all wrong. And it’s become part of your identity.

And so instead of fighting an opinion, I’m now fighting your identity. And people will go to the ends of the earth. They will close off everything. They will box their ears to prevent having to change one second of their identity. Why? Because that change feels extremely scary.

That’s why evidence doesn’t work. When you show people statistics, they go, “I just, no, it doesn’t matter.” They will justify it, they will flip it. They will find ways to take what supports them and reject anything that doesn’t. It’s because it’s now part of their identity.

So if you want to change somebody’s mind: number one, you have to validate them. Two, you can’t argue against the identity — you have to argue against the value. You have to find the value and speak to the value. And three, understand that one conversation is generally not enough. If you want somebody to change their mind, it takes years, it takes months. And the bigger the belief, the more time it’s going to take.

Communicating With Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Communicate

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. I think, I’m sure you hear this a lot as well. I hear a lot of people, especially people who would read our books, listen to our conversations, follow us on social media. A lot of people want to have conversations with their partners or their parents or a sibling, but they don’t find that that person wants to communicate about that topic or theme or subject.

So how do we communicate with someone who doesn’t want to communicate with us? Because often that could be our partner, our parent, or someone that we love deeply. And we want to talk to them about something meaningful, but they don’t really even want to engage. Is it possible?

JEFFERSON FISHER: It’s possible. I get a lot of questions of people who are estranged from usually adult children. Their 30 year old son doesn’t want to talk to his mom or a daughter who doesn’t want to talk to her dad. And they haven’t spoken in three years. And every time I have that kind of conversation, it breaks my heart because you can tell. Look at this parent, they want to have a conversation with their child. And you know, deep down, so does that child. They need that relationship.

How do you crack that code? What I have found most successful and what I teach them is I begin with saying, “I know, I’m not, and I’m open.” And it sounds like this: “I know there’s distance between us. I know things aren’t how we both want them to be. I know I’ve messed up.” Whatever that is you’re saying.

What is given — two is “I’m not.” I’m not asking to change your mind. I’m not asking for an apology. I’m not asking for whatever it is they think that’s what you’re after. And three is “I’m open.” I’m open to a conversation. I’m open to listening. I’m open to understanding.

Whenever you can just crack the door open of saying the conversation is here. And sometimes that’s not enough. They’re not going to do it. And in that case, what I like to say is, then you have to live out the conversation and understand that if you can’t be a bridge, be a lighthouse. If they don’t want to come across to me and they’ve burned the bridge, well, then they’re at least going to know where I am and they’re going to know what I stand for and they’re going to see the light that I’m going to try to bring. Even if they don’t want to talk.

JAY SHETTY: “I know, I’m not, I’m open.” Yeah, I really like that. Especially the “I’m not.” That’s such an important one. Because I feel like half the time it’s like, “I know we’re not where we want to be, but I’d love it if you got it.”

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah, exactly. They’re waiting for the — “I know there’s distance, but you just, you know.” And they’re expecting — who’s going to apologize first.

I think that for relationships and family and the hard stuff, it becomes this petty fight over, “Well, I’m not doing anything until they apologize.” And, well, okay, you do it at your own peril, then. Say goodbye to it. Because they both dug in their heels and nobody’s going to change unless somebody decides to do something different.

And when you can just change the narrative by 1% and say, “I’m going to go off on a ledge and do something different.” I’ve seen more relationships come back together. I’ve seen more people come back and say, “Thank you so much. We’re actually going to meet up for coffee. She’s coming to Christmas this year.” Oh, my gosh. What is life not about if not that?

JAY SHETTY: I really hope everyone who’s listening and watching tries that out.

JEFFERSON FISHER: You do that so well. I’ve seen that with — you’ll say, “When’s the last time you talked to somebody? Grab your phone. Call them. Call them now.” Why wait? Why do you have to wait to be ready? Call them now. And when you choose to do something different, you choose to be the first. They say, “Oh, I’m tired of being the bigger person.” Well, that’s life. Then you do it with the understanding that things are not going to be different unless something is different.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. I always come back to — what is the outcome that I want? If the outcome I want is for this person to know how I feel, then I might have to be the bigger person. I might have to be first. I might have to be apologetic. I might have to be more compassionate. But if that serves my ultimate goal, which is this person knows how I feel, then I should be willing to become anything.

But if my goal is to set a boundary and not let someone cross it, then I may actually even have to become more guarded. I may have to become more reserved. And then you say, “Oh, but I don’t want to be reserved.” But it’s like — but that serves your goal.

And so you’ve got to know what your objective is, what your goal is of any conversation. I know you talk about how winning is never the goal of any argument, even though that’s what we all think.

Arguments Are Not Something to Win, They’re Something to Unravel

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah. Especially being an attorney. And people are like, “That’s what you’re supposed to do.” And it’s — that’s just not the truth. It’s not like it is on TV. You will lose cases. In fact, if you haven’t lost a case, you haven’t tried enough cases, is what they say in the attorney world. Because I can’t choose the law that applies. I can’t choose my client’s facts. You have to play the cards that you’re dealt.

But what I teach is arguments are not something to win, they’re something to unravel. You find knots in conversations.

In law, there’s this thing called the jury instructions. Meaning at the very end of the trial — let’s say you’ve had two weeks worth of evidence, you had openings, all your motions, and you’re finally at the end and the jury’s about to go back and make a decision on something. They have a document called the jury instructions, and it’s written out who’s responsible. This person, this person. They do this, yes or no. They add percentages. They might add money. Whatever it is, it is this document that controls the ultimate outcome of the entire case.

And good attorneys start with the jury instructions when they first get a new file. Bad attorneys wait till the very end.

Same way in relationships — like you mentioned, if I know where the goal is, everything else becomes fluff, everything else becomes irrelevant. So what if they said that thing two years ago that you could bring up? So what if they said it in a way that they rolled their eyes? Can you have a little bit more emotional resilience to understand what’s happening in that moment, to not be clouded by the trees, to be able to see through the forest, to see what’s happening in real life?

So start with your end. Have a goal for the conversation. And make sure — if I could say with you, let’s say you and I are off. And I say, “Jay, I know we’re about to have a difficult conversation and I want you to know I’m going to be in it here with you.” How encouraged do you feel knowing I’m not trying to abandon you in it, I’m not trying to push something at you? And when you are able to slow it down and see arguments as not something to win but something to unravel, you find so much more in the connection.

What to Do When Your Partner Triggers You

JAY SHETTY: If you’ve been with someone for long enough, they’re going to end up saying something that will trigger you. When your partner says something that triggers you, what do you do?

JEFFERSON FISHER: You tell them in a way that communicates it, that it sinks in. If something is said to me by Sierra and it triggers me, one is — there is a mindset in any relationship that you have to have that says, “This is a place where I can be messy. This is a place where I don’t have to be my best. Of all the places to be, this should be the safest for me.”

Now, if it’s intentional — this person meant to trigger you — then what I like to do is ask the question, “Did you mean for that to upset me? Did you mean for that to hurt me?” You find out real quick if they really did. Because sometimes people say things they don’t mean. Not sometimes — they always do.

And if you find that you can’t even slow down enough to have the discussion of “this is what hurt me, you know that this triggers me,” I think there’s also a difference between if they know that it does and they’re using it as a weapon — that breaches trust — versus they didn’t know it. And now you need to explain why this reminds you of that time when you were a kid that is setting you off and you’re not really sure how to deal with it.

So when it comes to being triggered, you first have to slow everything down. That means I’m going to talk slower, I’m going to lower my volume rather than getting amped up. And I’m going to let them know that something else is coming up for me more than what you said. And if you’re in a committed relationship where they want to understand you, that’s a conversation you’re going to have.

JAY SHETTY: And I think the natural reaction when someone says something that triggers us is either to say something that triggers them back — even if it was unconscious in the first place — or we rush to defend ourselves, which seem like very natural human instincts. How do we build that slowness, that patience, that stillness that’s required to actually create connection as opposed to doing the human thing, which is defend ourselves and prove our worth and show we’re right? How do we even get into that pocket?

The Power of Silence and the Breath

JEFFERSON FISHER: Your first word has to be your breath. In those moments when somebody says something we don’t like, we get amped up like that — we suck it in, but we don’t let it out. Instead, our breath comes out when we’re yelling or raising our voice. When you start to yell and somebody says, “You’re yelling,” and you go, “I’m not yelling.” Because you know deep down that’s exactly what you’re doing.

If you find that you don’t know how to slow it down, it’s your breath. Your breath always comes first so that you can actually breathe.

There’s a difference between — if you say something that’s hurtful and I immediately go, “Okay, Jay, what about you? You don’t remember that time that you — that’s rich. That’s funny. You want to say this to me?” And I start right out. Versus if I give it five to seven seconds of nothing, meaning I’m going to breathe and I’m just going to let your words fall to the ground, as if I go, “You sure you’re good with that? Is that what you said? Is that what you really want to say?”

Because people don’t like to hear their words echo in that silence. I’ve seen it countless times where the person who said the hurtful thing — and you know what, I’ve been that person too — where they say, “I shouldn’t have said that.” Before you have to say anything. “What I meant to say was.” Or, “That was too far.”

That’s allowing you to look more controlled and more confident in that conversation. And all of a sudden, when it’s like this instead of — it slowly begins like this. Just by the silence of understanding, hearing their words echo back withdraws that sting. It never stings as bad.

The Power of Slowing Down in Conversation

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. I like the “let your breath become your first word.” That’s great.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And it’s such a — it feels like again, it keeps going back to that idea of if you think every conversation — and you write about this right at the beginning of the book — if you think every conversation is about winning and about being right, the goal is so skewed.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: That you can’t possibly take a breath because to you, you’re just losing. The breath is just losing time. It’s losing energy. It’s losing momentum. It’s just losing. And so again, it goes back down to how do we need to really reframe our mindset to say not every conversation is about winning and being right. Conversations are about understanding and seeing someone and connecting and finding a common ground. And it’s just not how we’re wired.

JEFFERSON FISHER: No, it’s not how we’re wired. It takes discipline. It takes real discipline. When I hear people take a breath before they respond, I know what’s about to come out has a much more heavy footing to it.

If you were to just ask me, how was your day? Or how are you doing? I’m good, I’m great. Everything’s good. And I have that quick response. And if you instead were to ask me, how’s your day? And I went, “I’m good. Yeah, I’m good.” Now, what’s the difference? Same thing. I just used my breath, I slowed it down. I calm my nervous system, and as a secondary benefit, I also calm down yours.

And so most of the time, when you feel that rise coming, you have to slow down the conversation. To me, the hotter the fire burns, the more you have to spread out the coals because it’s slowing it down. Even asking, “Can we slow this down for a second? Can I take a moment? I’m here with you. I just need a second to think.” What follows after is never how it sounded before.

Navigating the Silent Treatment

JAY SHETTY: If your partner is giving you the silent treatment, how do you engage?

JEFFERSON FISHER: Depends if the silent treatment is there for a reason. Some people, you kind of have to do the gray rock on that. You can’t reason with them. So I’m not saying that silent treatment is not there for a good reason sometimes, but let’s say it’s there to hurt you.

You know, people who will use silence as a punishment — they’re upset you did something, and they just go, “Okay, I’m just not going to talk to you anymore.” That, to me, is the number one sign of low emotional intelligence — if you can’t even have the ability to say, “I need to take a break for a second, because that really upset me. I’ll text you this afternoon. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Versus just ghosting.

Because what it does is it puts the other person in a position of trying to beg, trying to plead. And then what happens to that other person? They desperately want you to communicate. So what do they do? Most of the time they say something super flagrant, like a bad foul. They say something that is really harsh just in hopes that you come back in. That’s it. They just want that text back. “Okay, he’s still there. He still reads my text.”

And so if you really are somebody who’s trying to get through the silent treatment, respond with: “I see that you’re giving me the silent treatment. I see that you’ve gone quiet on me. I’m going to give you space. I’m ready to have the conversation when you are.”

Now, there’s a difference between somebody taking an hour to get back with you versus taking five days to get back with you. That’s somebody who has chosen not to be connected. Because if I really want a conversation with you, a real relationship with you, I’m not going to put you in the position of begging.

JAY SHETTY: That’s such a great note — that if someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they’ll never put you in a position of begging.

Staying Interested Through the Hard Times

JEFFERSON FISHER: Never. They’ll always stay interested. For people who are married, or in a big relationship, it starts with me being very interested in you. I’m going to want to know your favorite color. I’m going to want to know what you like to eat, what you like to wear. I want to know about your family. I want to know all these things about you. I’m so interested. Why? Because I want to understand you.

And then we get happy, and then it becomes a measure of how good can I feel with you. And then you get married and it’s “for better or worse,” right? And then you just realize, “I don’t really like this worst part. I really just like the better part.” And all of a sudden you realize that things get hard and you’re in year seven of your marriage and year 14 of your marriage, and you feel further drifted apart because really you became less interested in them. You didn’t get interested in the hard. You were just interested in the basics. You were good with the basic facts. You weren’t good for the deep stuff.

It gets to be where if you really want to know and test the strength of a relationship, it’s not the measure of how good do I feel in the good times — it’s how long can I sit with them in the hard times. And when I can sit with you in what is the deep struggle, when we’re both crying, when we’re both three hours into the argument and going, “I don’t understand why I can’t communicate with you. How did I ever like you in the first place?” — that’s real, that’s raw. And if I can still sit with you in it, that’s a type of connection that will last forever.

I talk to so many couples, even older couples, about how they communicate so well. It’s never, “We have really big conversations.” It’s never that. It’s, “We know that things are going to be hard and we choose to stick through the hard.” People give up too easily.

I mean, you’re married, I’m married. They’re a fight. They are an absolute fight — not between each other, but for the relationship. It’s the relationship versus everything else. Attention, time, obligations, finances, kids. It’s the relationship versus everybody else.

Signs Someone Is Not Your Person

JAY SHETTY: Is there anything someone can ever say that shows you they’re not your person?

JEFFERSON FISHER: “I don’t care about you.” If they really don’t have an interest in caring about you. If you hear that I’m upset, or you hear that your wife’s upset, you should care. I’m not talking about the surface level — like, “Okay, I don’t care about that right now.” I’m talking about the deep: “It does not affect me.” When you’re on the ground and upset and face on the floor and you’re crying, and it doesn’t affect them because they don’t care — that, to me, means they’re not your person.

If you want to know if somebody is your person, have they asked how you’re doing? I’ve seen so many people go on dates or have relationships and they say, “Yeah, they were nice, but I don’t think they ever really asked about me. They just talked about themselves.” They just needed to rent an ear for a little bit because they made it all about themselves. Those are people that you know are not going to be your people.

If you want to know if they are your person, you don’t have to ask them, “Why don’t you ask about me?” They will naturally want to know more about you. You don’t have to ask.

There was one time a woman asked me, “I went on a date and he really didn’t ask about me that much. I’m not really sure what to do.” I said, “Don’t go on another date.” If they’re not going to ask about you and the basics, how could they ever want to know about you when things are hard? And there’s no getting around it — they will be hard. That’s how you know if they are your person. They’re willing to have the deep, hard conversation.

When a Relationship Has Gone Too Far

JAY SHETTY: How do you know if your relationship just has so many arguments that it’s beyond saving? How do you know that it’s gone too far?

JEFFERSON FISHER: When you look back and the other person is 10 miles behind you.

JAY SHETTY: Explain that.

JEFFERSON FISHER: When you’re doing it alone. You’ve read all the books, you’ve read all the materials, you’re listening to all the podcasts. You might be listening to this episode and going, “I desperately want to heal my marriage, my relationship.” But most likely they’re the only ones with an oar in their hand trying to paddle, and the other person is just in the back with their arms folded. “I don’t really want to be here. Does it not bother you that we are in conflict right now?” “I mean, I don’t really care. It’s really your fault.”

They feel like they’re the only ones that are there. These people — it doesn’t matter what technique you do, it doesn’t matter how much you push — they are someone that will never try and reach for you. So how do you know when it’s enough? When you’ve put out your hand and they’re unwilling to take it, and you just look back in the rearview mirror and they’re okay with leaving it.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. And I think the hard part is sometimes people show these glimpses, or rays of hope, and then you believe that, and then they go back to being the way they were. They kind of oscillate between showing you they care momentarily, but then going back to not caring. And it’s so hard to know which one to invest in and which one to believe.

JEFFERSON FISHER: I think that the more honest of a conversation you can have with that person —

JAY SHETTY: Yeah.

JEFFERSON FISHER: — the more honest reflection of what kind of relationship you have. Like we talked about at the beginning, Jay, if I can’t have the hard conversation with you, then how deep is our relationship? If it’s only surface level conversations, I’ll show you a surface level relationship. But if you’re willing to have the hard talks, I can show you a much deeper relationship. What’s your capacity for the difficult?

And yeah, people will show you the glimpses in conversation of, “Oh, there’s that person. There’s that person that I like.” And then it’s gone. Well, that’s because it’s only a side effect. It’s not the main symptom. They’re only putting on the show to keep you entertained. It’s like a slot machine — they just want to keep you addicted just for a little bit longer.

And you have to look back and go, “What am I getting from this in real time? What am I truly getting from this? Am I enough just by myself?” I think that’s the deeper issue — the feeling of, “If I don’t have this person, who am I?”

The Real Consequences of Poor Communication

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. And that’s why we don’t say how we feel. It’s why we mold who we are. It’s why we tolerate bad behavior and bad words and bad communication. Because we don’t feel like we’re fulfilled without them. So we’d rather have a painful existence with them than a potentially painful, or long-term non-painful, existence without them.

And I appreciate what you’re saying because it shows that there are real ramifications and consequences to poor communication. Because I think a lot of us will just tolerate and elongate those periods hoping things will just get better or go away. But the reality is that people don’t change their communication patterns that quickly.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And that’s a harsh reality. It’s a harsh truth.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Things don’t change, if things don’t change. I know that when you have those moments where you go, “I wish things were different in our communication” — yeah, that takes time. That takes real raw vulnerability.

It is my belief that love is self-disclosure. If I really want you to know me, I’m going to disclose everything. And if I want to know you, I need you to disclose everything. I need radical honesty in this relationship — to know that I’m never going to be too much. My wife needs to know she’s never going to be too much.

And when you can create the element of safety in conversation, you create a relationship that can be impenetrable to anything from the outside. When things get stressful and there’s tension, you kind of bond together. But if there’s a source of conflict between you and you can’t address it, if you can’t take care of that — it’s never the outside in, it’s always the inside out that ruins you.

The Capacity to Handle All of Someone

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. You made me think of a moment where sometimes if we’re doing an interview or maybe even if we’re talking to a friend, my wife and someone will ask us about a relationship and my wife will sometimes be like, “Oh, I can be a lot.” As in she’s talking about herself. She’d be like, “Oh, I can be a lot. I can be too much sometimes.” And my honest reaction is, “You are not a lot at all.” And she’ll be like, “No, no, I can.” And now we’ll get into an argument. I’m like, “No, you’re not.”

JEFFERSON FISHER: “Yes, I am.”

JAY SHETTY: She’s like, “Yes, I am.” And I’m like, “No, you’re not.” And it reminds me because it’s that same thing. Like, I appreciate her because I don’t think she’s a lot. There’s not a moment where I’m like, “Oh, you’re being too much.” Because you’re right. I want her to be herself with me. With what she’s going through and trust that she can share that and express that.

JEFFERSON FISHER: That’s how you know that they’re your person. When they’re not too much for you. You have capacity for all the range of everything that they are, will be, and what they have to offer. Their strengths as well as their weaknesses. Especially the weaknesses, because you and I, we have many.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, of course. So you’re saying that if you don’t have the capacity to handle all of someone, then they may not be right for you and you may not be right for them.

JEFFERSON FISHER: That’s exactly right. If there is a mismatch in capacity to deal with the messy. They say, “If you can’t be with me in my hard times, then you don’t deserve me at the best.” That’s absolutely true. Especially in conversations. If I can’t have the grace, the capacity by you for me to say the wrong thing, and you realize that I did say the wrong thing, and there’s a place for me to apologize — repair has to happen.

Repair has to happen. So it’s on me to do that now. If I know that I don’t have the capacity in that moment to absorb everything that is happening, that’s not going to work. It’s not for lack of love. It’s a lack of capacity.

What a Healthy Repair Conversation Looks Like

JAY SHETTY: What should a healthy repair conversation look like? So if you’re going to repair with someone because you said something you don’t mean, or someone’s going to repair with you because they said something they don’t mean, what should that conversation sound like from their end or yours, based on who made the mistake?

JEFFERSON FISHER: 99% of the time, our arguments are not about what we’re arguing about. They are about the hidden need — the need to feel understood, the need to feel heard, the need to feel safe by that other person. And things go so south when I pick up the frustration or I pick up the reaction and not listen to the need.

Every one of us, ourselves included, we go into conversations with these hidden fears of, “Am I enough? Am I enough if I get it wrong? Am I enough if I look scared, or I don’t know what to do, or I don’t know what to say? Will I be abandoned? Are they not going to want me? Do they not really care?” We come into every single one of these conversations, and if I’m just responding to the reaction rather than addressing the need, there’s always going to be a mismatch. There’s always going to be conflict that is now corrosive to the very fabric of the conversation.

Say, for example, in a relationship, somebody goes, “Do you even care? Like, I don’t even know. Do you even care?” And what does the guy do? They go, “Oh, this again. Really? Do I care? Okay, this is so stupid.” And what you’re doing is you’re tearing the very fabric of the relationship when you are dismissive over a real feeling.

So when somebody is sharing that kind of question with you and you treat them as if that question is real — because it is — you change everything. How do you model repair? You model it by saying, “I can totally see how you think that. I can see how you’d be frustrated if that’s the way you heard it. I don’t blame you for being upset about it. Of course you’d be upset about that. That sounds really frustrating. That sounds scary. I get the feeling you feel really hopeless right now.”

And it’s like, “Yes, that is exactly how I’m feeling.” You want somebody to understand how you’re doing. I don’t need to agree with you to understand you. I don’t need to fix the problem to meet the need. I just need to slow down long enough to put aside the frustration and the reaction and see the wound.

JAY SHETTY: It’s so clear that if we simply went into every conversation just trying to understand, how much would be solved. Because like you said, everyone’s just trying to get you to understand them, whether they’re shouting or not. There’s that beautiful statement that I love from Russell Barkley where he said that the people that need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.

JEFFERSON FISHER: That’s right. It’s slowing down the moment to say, “What do they need right now that they don’t have the words to ask for? What are they asking for that they don’t have the words to say?”

And when I can stop and ask, “What is happening here?” — we have two kids, seven and five. When my son was, let’s say, three, and if he was crying, yelling, throwing something, throwing a fit — you think I was going, “I cannot believe that you’re raising your voice right now. Are you kidding? You’re crying at me? Do you not see all the things I’m doing?” No. I go, “Oh, he’s hungry, he’s upset, he’s scared. He’s sleepy. It’s his bedtime.”

It’s the same thing. It’s the same basic human needs in every single one of us. I will shout it from the rooftop: they are not fighting you. They are fighting to feel understood by you. And when you can address that understanding by using words of repair, everything changes.

Repair, validation — validation is not weakness. It is repair. And that’s the measure of a true relationship. How quickly can I get to repair? Relationships don’t fall apart because of one big failure. They fall apart because of the hundred micro moments where repair could have happened, but it didn’t.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, absolutely. These little cracks.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah, fissures. It’s the paper cuts. You go 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, and you look back and go, “There’s just been so much. How can I possibly address it? There wasn’t some big moment.” It’s all these little moments for repair that you just chose to go by. That’s why every single one is truly important.

So when you get dismissive and go, “Really? This. Oh, here we go again. Here she goes.” You’re choosing to not repair. And if you understand that, you could sign your name to a piece of paper that says, “I’m choosing my frustration over her peace.” Sign your name to it. If you can sign that with a straight face and give it to her, then congratulations, you’ve lost the relationship. That’s what you’re doing. You’re signing your name away to the end of it.

Setting Boundaries with Parents Who Judge

JAY SHETTY: I wanted to talk a bit about parenting because you mentioned it earlier. With estranged family members and things like that, one of the biggest interactions people experience with their parents is feeling judged. A lot of the communication that parents have — if people don’t have great relationships, or even if they do — is judgment. It may even be in their tone. Or, “Did you see what so-and-so’s doing? They just got married or they got a new promotion.” Or it may just be like, “Oh, are you still with that same guy?”

And I think this feeling of judgment is the opposite of understanding. When you judge someone, it’s saying, “I already know you. I’m already seeing you a certain way and I’m not going to let you show me who you are.” I’m projecting my viewpoint onto you. So it’s so hard. And people struggle to communicate that with their parents because we say things like, “Will you just leave me to do my thing? Will you just stop?” And then the parent goes, “Hey, I’m just trying to look out for you. I’m trying to do what’s best for you.” And you’re like, yeah. How do we set boundaries with people that we love and we know love us, but we can’t keep feeling that judgment?

JEFFERSON FISHER: There are different levels of boundaries that need to be applied. One is the boundary of time and space. If it’s something that’s really bad, I’m not going to be at the family reunion for four hours. I’m going to go say hi and leave when I need to leave.

JAY SHETTY: Distance is okay.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah, distance is okay if that’s what’s required for you. Certain topics of conversation are not going to be in the cards for you, and that’s okay.

Second, at least if you can acknowledge that — for parents, now that I am one — judgment is a poor way of showing love and care. That’s the deeper rooted feeling: “I desperately want to make sure you’re okay.”

JAY SHETTY: Say that again because that is so good.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Judgment is a very poor substitute for love and care, because that’s the deeper need. “Well, shouldn’t you — you really should do this. Haven’t you seen what so-and-so is doing?” It’s deep care for you and how you are. Even though it’s what they would want, it doesn’t mean that matches what you want. That’s the major rift right there.

If you can set aside what they’re saying and instead hear the value — let’s apply this to the same framework. Rather than responding to what we are interpreting as the judgment, we respond to the value, the need, the care, the love for you. All of a sudden our response becomes different.

So if someone brings something up at a family dinner that you know is just a time bomb — they’ve now exposed this — instead of going, “Okay, I guess we’re having this conversation now. Right. Everybody, I guess we’re having this conversation now.” Instead of that, you use the framework of: “I can tell blank is important to you,” and insert that blank into whatever category you’re talking about.

“I can tell that my well-being is very important to you.” “I can tell that the kids and how I raise the kids is really important to you.” “I can tell that my financial security is important to you.”

And all of a sudden, what they were judging about kind of goes away. Mothers will worry you to death. They wouldn’t be a mother if they didn’t. They wouldn’t be doing their job, so to speak.

They say that the hardest thing about parents is that they had parents. And maybe they wish deep down that their parents cared. They wish their mom or dad had been as invested as they are now.

What is different is when that judgment turns to demands and sours the relationship, instead of them giving you the grace to make decisions. I think part of the love of a parent is you have to allow them to make mistakes and then you do everything else for them. And maybe with parents, it’s the fear of not being relied upon anymore. “I now have to just let this thing float in the water and I can’t ever control it again.” That’s very scary.

Maybe instead of being so upset about their judgment, you see it as, “Well, maybe they’re feeling they don’t know who they are anymore without having somebody to take care of. And maybe I just need to speak to that.”

“Mom, Dad — thank you for everything that you’ve poured into me. You’ve done everything that you can. I know that you’ve done the best that you can.”

Imagine the kind of conversations that can happen. Because most of the time, in my experience, when parents are nitpicking, really what they’re asking for is for you to fulfill that deeper connection. “I’m not doing enough for my child.” And so when you can say, “Hey, you’re a good mom. Hey, you’re a great dad,” and remind them of that, I think the conversation is always going to go better.

JAY SHETTY: I love that. And I hear people feeling like it can just be so exhausting to have to translate what everyone is saying in an emotionally mature way and then respond to them, almost parenting them.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Oh, no doubt.

JAY SHETTY: But yeah. What you’re saying is true that yes, it’s exhausting. Yes, it takes time, yes, it takes effort. But what’s on the other side is so much more worthy than continuing to do what we’re all doing right now, which isn’t getting anywhere and isn’t going anywhere.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah, I definitely subscribe to the mindset of what is good is worth whatever it takes. And if it’s not, then it’s not. You might hear what I said and go, “Look, Jefferson. Yeah. More power to you, man, that sounds exhausting. I always have to do this with my parents.” I’m not saying every time. There are certain times where, no, you need to get in, get out. They bring up that topic, and my favorite to use is “maybe so.” I use the phrase “maybe so” all the time. They give me a piece of advice or something. Or maybe it’s a stranger. Whoever it is. Yeah, “maybe so.”

JAY SHETTY: Yeah.

JEFFERSON FISHER: It has a way of just diffusing everything. You’ve acknowledged what they said. You heard it. I didn’t argue with it. “Yeah, maybe so. Yeah. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. Maybe so.” It has a way of just diffusing it. And now they feel like, “Oh, okay, well, I said what I need to say,” and then I’m good.

Saying No Without Feeling Guilty

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. I wish I had that one back in the day. I remember with my extended family, they’d always be telling me — I told them I decided to become a monk — and I’d always hear this: “It’s the worst decision you’re ever going to make.” And I’d always just say, “You’re right. Yeah, probably.” But I wish I said “maybe so.” It’s a good one, because I didn’t want to agree with them, but that’s all I had in my vocabulary there. I’d be like, “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe you’re right.” But I like “maybe so” a lot.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah, “maybe so” always works. I also like, “I’d rather hear about you.”

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, that’s good, too.

JEFFERSON FISHER: I use that one a lot. And anytime the dinner table might turn a little bit more political, it’s like, “You know, I’d rather hear about you.”

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Yeah.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Nobody ever shies away from talking about themselves.

JAY SHETTY: How do you — you talked about sometimes being distant, sometimes not engaging — how do you say no without feeling guilty? Because I think the challenge we have is a lot of us want to say no, but then we feel bad for saying no. We think, “This person gave me so much. They are trying, they’re caring,” and then we talk ourselves out of it, but then we just walk into a trap almost. And then we go, “Oh, I knew that was going to happen. I should have said no.” So how do you say no without feeling guilty?

JEFFERSON FISHER: If you believe that the person truly cares about your well-being in your life, then they’d want you to say no. If you need to say no, imagine if that’s the relationship you thought you had — that they were always worried about your feelings — that they actually weren’t being real with you. And now what kind of relationship is it if you can’t be authentic enough to actually share your mind?

Saying no is very difficult depending on the context, no doubt. What I strive for when it comes to telling people no is to lead with the no first. Let’s say you needed to invite me to something. And what do most people say? “Oh my gosh, thank you so much. I appreciate it. I’d love to, but I can’t. You know, I have all this stuff. I’m so busy. I have—” And it’s almost like, hey, look, if you couldn’t go, just say you couldn’t go. I don’t need all this extra. It just sounds inauthentic that you’ve given me so much. Why? Because they were afraid that you’re going to be disappointed by that.

Start with the no first. “I can’t make it. Thank you for inviting me. I can’t make it. Thank you so much.” Rather than “I’d love to, but I can’t.” “But” has a way of just deleting everything that has come before it.

And I feel that if I need to say no to something, in my mind it’s, “You want me to say no to this? Because I won’t be my best.” If you really feel uncomfortable about it, then say, “I’ve made a promise to myself of X. I’ve made a promise to myself I’m going to be home more often. I’ve made a promise to myself that I’m going to use this hour to do X, Y and Z.” People don’t argue with promises. They don’t want you to break promises, including promises that you’ve kept to yourself.

And saying no is as easy as just saying no. It’s the “no because” that gets you in trouble. “No, it’s just, you know, it’s because I have to go feed my cat and I have this plant that I water and it’s—” You give up all these excuses that end up diminishing your credibility rather than just saying, “I can’t make it. No. No, thank you. Not for me. Can’t do it.” Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is be as direct as you can be.

JAY SHETTY: I agree with you. And I had to do that recently as well. And you always just don’t want to let someone down and you don’t want to make them feel bad. And you’re so right. I always turn to just commitments I’ve made to myself because it’s true. And I think you’re right that when you say “but,” it feels like, “Well, I love that, but this is more important.”

JEFFERSON FISHER: It is. And yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And when it’s a promise to yourself, it’s, “I’m trying to keep this promise to myself.” And everyone knows how hard it is to keep promises to yourself.

JEFFERSON FISHER: They’ll encourage you.

JAY SHETTY: It’s a real commitment. Yeah, it’s a real commitment. And when it’s genuine, it really lands.

When Someone Gets Upset After You Say No

JAY SHETTY: What do you do when the scenario is you say no and you do it in the best way possible and someone’s upset with you, and now you’re toeing this line between enabling them to make you say sorry and all this kind of stuff versus holding your standards? So someone asks you to come to a party or to help them out with something, you say, “No, I can’t. I’ve kept a promise for myself that I’m trying to spend more time at home. Can’t travel.” Now they try and make you feel bad about it. And there’s someone that you consider a real friend, and they’re not even trying to make you feel bad about it — they are just upset and they’re kind of reflecting that back on you. What do you do?

JEFFERSON FISHER: I’d give it a rest. Sometimes fires have to burn out. And if it’s a true friend and they just send this text of, “This is just like you never to come. I always invite you and you’re always late,” just let that die out. Because when they’re dysregulated, you become dysregulated. And then that’s when you start saying things that you don’t mean and saying things that are not going to help the situation.

So give it five minutes before you choose to respond. In fact, if you can wait until the very next day, because time has a way of sifting things out — of what you need to respond to. And you’re also giving them a little bit of grace of saying, “I know they’re upset.” Imagine if instead of getting upset with you over everything you said, I looked at it and go, “Man, Jay’s stressed out. They’re a true friend.” “Hey, I know you didn’t mean that. I know. You’re just overwhelmed.”

Later on, let’s say a day passes, two days pass — that’s when you need to say, “Your words are not okay with me. What you just sent is below my standard for response.” You need to be able to toe that line of saying, “No, I’m not going to accept that kind of behavior. It’s okay to be disappointed, and it’s not okay to talk to me like that.”

You have to be able to choose in conversation — same with boundaries — what am I going to accept? What am I going to say absolutely not to? It’s the difference of if you were to yell at me or raise your voice at me. If I had no boundary, it would sound like, “You can’t yell at me. Really? You think you can yell at — do you think you know who you’re talking to? You can’t yell at me.” Versus if I have boundaries, I say, “I don’t accept people speaking to me that way. I don’t respond to that volume.” Now it’s become a me thing. Nothing that you can do. And now I’m controlling the conversation. Now I’m taking it back.

So if it’s a true friend, they ought to know what you really meant at that moment. And again, this talks about the capacity for letting somebody show you they’re messy.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. I know for a fact that as soon as I started living by some of this, my life just totally transformed. And people actually started to respect — at least the ones that love you and are actually close to you — started to really respect that honesty and started to really engage with it in a much more meaningful way where they weren’t upset when you were honest, because they saw you were always honest.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Right.

JAY SHETTY: And you were always real. And all of a sudden, it wasn’t surprising anymore. Whereas in the beginning, when you first start—

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: Setting boundaries, people will be like, “Oh, wait a minute. You used to always be available. Now you’re not available.”

JEFFERSON FISHER: Absolutely.

JAY SHETTY: And people have this reaction where, “Hey, wait a minute. How do you have plans on a Saturday night? I’m the one who makes plans for us on a Saturday night.” And then over time, people go, “Oh, yeah, that’s just who you are now.” And I think a lot of us go through these transitionary moments in our life where we go from having no boundaries to having boundaries. We go from having no standards to having standards.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: And when you get caught in the middle, people always point it out and it feels really painful because you are going from someone who has never been organized to being organized.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Right.

JAY SHETTY: But now, over time, people tend to respect and forget.

Discomfort Is a Sign It’s Working

JEFFERSON FISHER: If someone is upset at your boundary, it doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. It means that it’s working. It’s doing the very thing that you have the boundary in place to do. That discomfort that you feel — welcome it, because that’s you choosing to do something different. And always that moment will pass. Discomfort — temporary discomfort for long-term peace. Sign me up. Where can I sign up?

And if you can understand that those moments of discomfort get quicker and quicker, and all of a sudden they become expected — and it’s not a bad thing. You know how many times as an attorney I’ve heard arguments between two people, or I’ve made arguments, and it’s nothing. When it’s these huge knockdown drag-outs, because I’ve seen a lot of it, it’s not like I’m going to be, “Oh my gosh, they’re yelling. Oh my God, we’re in this argument.” Because you’ve seen a lot of it. ER doctors — you know how many things they’ve seen. And then if you were to come in with a scrape for them, they’re like, “Oh, okay, this is nothing.” The small things become nothing.

And that’s what you have to remember. It’s working a different muscle. And so whenever you feel that angst, take it as a sign for good that you’re choosing to do something different. When you work out and you feel sore, “Oh, I’m okay, I’m growing.” That’s the sore. It’s you using a different muscle that’s going to better your life.

Communication in the Workplace

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Jefferson, I want to switch to the workplace because I know your expertise and the book also goes into that space. And I think that’s an area where communication is so challenging on so many different levels, because now the incentive structure is different, the hierarchy is different.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: There’s all these rules in place that in one sense you don’t have in friendships and romantic relationships. If a coworker keeps interrupting you, how do you shut that down without sounding petty?

Handling Interruptions with Grace

JEFFERSON FISHER: I let them interrupt the first time. Just the first. Because we’ve all seen the people who — they interrupt once and they say, “Excuse me, I was talking.” “Excuse me.” “I’m sorry, did you not hear I was talking?” And everybody in the room goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” Okay, and all of a sudden you become like the diva, right? You become the person that, oh, I cannot be interrupted.

And sometimes, more often than not, the person who interrupted didn’t even realize that they were doing it. It meant no intention whatsoever. And some of these people are neurodivergent. Some people have ADHD, where it’s going to happen, no bad intention behind it.

And if I just let it happen and let them go on, let anybody who interrupted, no matter what, be able to say what they need to say, then I start again. Why? Because if they were interrupting me, they weren’t going to listen to me anyway. They weren’t listening anyway. They were only thinking about what they had to say. Now let them get it out and get it all out and show that I have some maturity that I don’t have to be first. I don’t have to have the spotlight right in that moment.

So after that first interruption, then I start over again, exactly where I left off. It’s not like a dismissive, passive aggressive response. Start exactly where you were. And if they interrupt again, that’s where I say, “I can’t hear you when you interrupt me.” I do the same thing with my kids. “I can’t hear you when you’re whining.” All of a sudden their voice changes every time. Every time it sends the signal of — if you want me to listen, there has to be some rules in place.

And so, “I can’t hear you when you interrupt me.” I’ve also used, “I will listen to you when I’m finished.” “If you want me to hear you, you need to let me finish.” It’s me putting an if-then. It’s a condition. It’s logic. If you want me to listen to you, then you need to let me finish. And so in order to get to what they want, they have to abide by the rules.

Communication Mistakes That Cost You Respect

JAY SHETTY: What are the mistakes we make in the workplace in our communication that make people respect us less? Over explaining?

JEFFERSON FISHER: We say way too much. We say everything. We say the things you never asked for. We just keep going and we can’t stop. We don’t know why. You might have asked a simple question and all of a sudden, next thing you know, they’re telling you everything — probably sometimes way too personal — and they realize, “I can’t stop.”

Over explaining has a way of diminishing not only your control, but also your confidence. Where you’ve got out of that conversation, you go, “Oh my gosh, I just said way too much. Why did I say so much?” It’s because it’s a deeply rooted fear that you’re not enough to be believed. So I have to over explain. I have to say more so that you believe me, more so that you see how smart I am, that I do know what I’m talking about. That’s why some people name drop — so that you know that I’m important and I’m special and I’m worth this job.

Rather than only saying what you need to say — over explaining kills the confidence. What I say is, rather than being a waterfall, be a well. Rather than trying to over explain and say all the things at all the time, you just hold the knowledge and confidence of your own information and people will come to you and ask questions when they’re ready. The over explaining is a sure way of showing that you’re not somebody that can really be relied on in that moment, especially when quick decisions, hard decisions need to be made.

Assuming Malice vs. Giving Grace

JAY SHETTY: I like how when you’re sharing these examples, there’s a layering process — almost like there’s a step one, and if that doesn’t work, then there’s a step two, and if that doesn’t work, then there’s a step three. It’s like there’s degrees rather than like, this is the right way and this is the wrong way. It almost feels like there’s an escalation. And that’s important because I think not everyone who looks like they’re against you is truly against you.

In our mind, we can often portray people in a certain way. I read something recently which I loved. It’s called Hanlon’s Razor, where he said, “Don’t attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity.” And I love it. It’s so good. And it’s like — all the people that you think are stabbing you in the back, they’re just clumsy elbows. Like, it’s just the idea. Yeah. It’s most of the time.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah. Of course, there are certain lines of mosh pit. Yeah, that’s right. Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: But like — when you stop thinking that everyone’s against you and trying to stab you in the back —

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yeah.

JAY SHETTY: Then you actually operate better as well. You can actually respond better as well.

JEFFERSON FISHER: You can actually.

JAY SHETTY: You can control the situation better. Because now you’re not coming at it from a reaction.

Advocating for Yourself and Leading with Communication

JAY SHETTY: Two sides of this question. How do people advocate for themselves in the workplace confidently? How do you communicate in a way that you can do that? And on the other side, how do leaders communicate standards and feedback effectively so that people know how they should grow?

JEFFERSON FISHER: First would be to understand that most likely the person that you’re talking to has been where you’ve been. And we turn it into an us versus them. When I was a young associate at the law firm that I was at, we would complain about the partners. We’d say, “These partners don’t appreciate us. They don’t care. They don’t understand.” When I became a partner, the first email I got from an associate, I was like, “These associates, they don’t get the problems of a partner.”

We turn it into us versus them. The employer says these employees don’t understand. Employees say management doesn’t understand. When we don’t stop to think that they have the same concerns — they’re just as human and fallible as us.

So if you need to advocate for yourself, it helps to be a student, to have a learner’s mindset. So if I have to bring something to you, rather than me sitting down and going, “Okay, listen, I’m not being paid near enough to be around here and deal with all this” — because from the management perspective, all they’re thinking is, “Okay, are they leaving? They’re out the door. What does that cost? What does that do to overhead? How’s that going to affect my business?” All the fears that they have deep within them of what that’s going to do to their life.

Same thing with the employee — everybody’s saying, “I want my ball, and I’m protecting me and mine” in those kind of moments. But if I were to sit down and say, “When you were in my shoes, what did you find to be the best way of getting a higher salary, or getting to your position, or finding how you’d be more respected?” People love to be asked for advice. Some people make podcasts about them.

But it’s true. If you can go to your superior and say, “I need your advice,” and then talk about the very thing you’re dealing with — all of a sudden it removes the sense of, “Oh no, what is this going to do?” Now the fear is off. But if I were to ask, “What did you find to be the best way to do X, Y, and Z? When somebody sent you a rude email, how did you handle that?” — what it does is actually create a bond between you two and a remembering that, hey, both of you are human.

When it comes to leadership, what I like to say is: good leaders respond to conversation. Great leaders make room for it. When I can encourage the difficult conversation in any organization that I go and teach and train, the better that organization is going to be. Most of the time, communication issues come down to this — they have no goal, no system, no values in terms of how they want to communicate to each other.

There’s a difference between one restaurant that might just say “thank you” when they give you your food and the other says “my pleasure.” There’s a difference in every little word nuance. When you can say, “What’s our shared vocabulary?” — that’s leadership and how we’re going to communicate. Why? Because we’ve set the value and standard of how we want to be, not only to the world and the outside, but also within ourselves.

So am I really caring about you, or am I just, “Hey, thanks for the email”? That’s ultimately why I left my first law firm. I was helping clients that were nice and great, but there was really no connection. It was just a file to them. And that became where eventually the bill comes due and you’re left empty handed.

So it’s creating the atmosphere to have difficult conversations and realizing that every opportunity to have a difficult conversation, everybody should be cheering. There should be some celebration and some confetti when you say, “This is a chance for us to grow. This is a chance for us to better it.” Because in sports or in business, the great leaders will say, “Embrace your failures,” because the failures are the things that are going to ultimately lead you to success. But we don’t do that with communication and difficult conversation. But that’s exactly what it is.

Closing Thoughts and The Final Five

JAY SHETTY: Jefferson, I was already a fan and I’m a bigger fan after today. Truly, absolutely brilliant. Such great advice. Just truly so practical and real and grounded. And I truly can’t wait for people to get the book, The Next Conversation.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Thanks.

JAY SHETTY: Let’s talk more. I really feel that this is right at the core of so many of life’s challenges. You could argue that every challenge we go through on a daily basis is a communication issue. And I really believe that this is the book that has the answers. So grateful that you showed up today and just —

JEFFERSON FISHER: Thanks, man.

JAY SHETTY: Shared so much amazing insight.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Thank you.

JAY SHETTY: We end every episode with a final five. These have to be questions that are answered in one word to one sentence maximum. So most people take one sentence. No one ever does it in one word. So, Jefferson Fisher, these are your final five.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Okay.

JAY SHETTY: The first question is, what is the best advice you’ve ever heard or received?

JEFFERSON FISHER: “You can’t look back and hoe a straight row.” Like when you’re gardening — you can’t look back. It’s like saying you can’t drive a boat by staring at the wake. You can’t look back.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Well said. Second question. What is the worst advice you’ve ever heard or received?

JEFFERSON FISHER: Saying nice things will serve you well. Playing nice will serve you well. Because if you say that nice serves you well, what ends up happening is that you eventually end up serving it. You people-please. You say the nice thing at the expense of being real.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. Question number three. What is the difference between being real and being harsh?

JEFFERSON FISHER: My intention for your ultimate good. If I truly want the best for you, then I’m going to be okay with saying the harsh things. I won’t regret it, but I will regret saying the thing that isn’t as real as it should be.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah. And it all comes down to intention.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yes.

JAY SHETTY: Sometimes we say we’re being real, but really we’re just being harsh. Like, we just don’t really care and it comes across harsh and someone’s like, “That’s a bit harsh.” And like, “Well, I’m just being real.”

JEFFERSON FISHER: Yes. They could use it as a mask.

JAY SHETTY: Yes, exactly. Yeah.

JEFFERSON FISHER: They use it as a mask of, “Well, this is just who I am. You can take it or leave it.” But really, when you’re harsh, it’s most of the time you’re just being lazy with your words.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah.

JEFFERSON FISHER: You’re being lazy with other people’s feelings, including your own. Like, you should have enough intention behind it of caring about how you package it. If I were to give you a gift and it still has the receipt and I just say, “Here, have it,” versus me actually caring about the package — I’m putting intention that I really care about you and how things are delivered.

JAY SHETTY: Yeah, absolutely. Question number four. I’m intrigued — what’s your favorite word in the English language?

Talk More, Argue Less

JEFFERSON FISHER: Genuine. It’s to me, it brings up just playing baseball and it says genuine leather in the poem of like is real. This is what I have. This is who I am. There’s a sense of soul and earthiness to it, of when I know when somebody’s being genuine and real with me and that somebody, it’s like a good pair of jeans, you know, you just know I can rely on and depend on it.

JAY SHETTY: That’s a great answer. Fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who’s ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

JEFFERSON FISHER: Talk more, argue less. Yeah, exactly. I stand by this very real understanding that one day we’re going to have a conversation. You’re going to have a conversation. I’m going to have a conversation with somebody that we love and it’ll be the last one we ever get with them and we won’t know it. So you need to say the thing. Talk like today matters, because it does. So you need to talk more.

Relationships don’t fall apart usually over what was said. It’s over what was not said. Same thing with businesses. Misalignment doesn’t happen because of one big moment. It happens in a thousand conversations that didn’t. And so when you can talk more and reach more and understand more, the better it’s going to be.

JAY SHETTY: It’s a great answer. Jefferson Fisher. The book is called The Next Conversation. Everyone who’s been listening and watching, please tag me and Jefferson with the communication tip insight that you’re going to use this week. I want you to actually try and practice this, whether it’s at work, whether it’s with your partner, whether it’s with a parent, whether it’s with a friend. Try and start practicing these tools this week because you’ll actually see the difference and then you’ll be focused and engaged. To learn more, follow Jefferson on Instagram and TikTok if you don’t already. And Jefferson, I hope this is the first of many times you come on the show.

JEFFERSON FISHER: Same here.

JAY SHETTY: Truly so grateful to get to know you today and congrats on everything. And truly your insight’s going to change a lot of lives. So thank you so much.

JEFFERSON FISHER: I appreciate that, Jay. It’s been a blessing to get to talk to you, man.

JAY SHETTY: Thank you, man.

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