Full text of founder and CEO of OneTaste, Nicole Daedone on Orgasm: The Cure for Hunger in the Western Woman at TEDxSF conference.
Listen to the MP3 Audio here: Orgasm – The Cure for Hunger in the Western Woman by Nicole Daedone
All right. Okay. My subject is a little bit more challenging to introduce. I’ve been doing radio interviews lately and noticing that the interviewer will spend the first 40% of the interviewer preparing the listening audience for me to come on. They’ll say things like “Ladies and gentlemen, the author of Slow Sex: the art and practice of oh…. Nicole Daedone”.
So I figured we’re TED people. We’re fast, we’re savvy, we’re smart. So I’m just going to break the ice first, OK? My topic is female orgasm.
So that said, I want to thank the people of TEDx for having me on the stage. This has been a dream of mine that I thought was absolutely impossible. That we could have a relevant, intelligent conversation about female orgasm was just a distant dream for me. I just fell in love with this practice. That’s what happened for me. I gave nearly 10,000 hours to this practice. That’s a lot of hours. A lot.
But I learned some key things in that time that I am bringing to you. The first is that female orgasm is vital for every single woman on the planet. The second is, is not so bad for the guys either. The third, and on a much more serious note, is that it roots our fundamental capacity for connection. It’s for this reason that I believe that at some point you will hear Yoga, meditation and orgasm. And you won’t hear it Yoga, meditation and orgasm.
So, in 2004 I founded OneTaste Urban Retreat Center with this in mind. OneTaste comes from the Buddhist expression “Just as the ocean has one taste, the taste of salt, so does the taste of liberation, the taste of truth”. And I felt like I have tasted a truth that was so undeniable I had to bring it to the world. I was absolutely clear on this. Mind you, not everyone was.
We had lectures, we had courses, we had what every orgasm study needs. We had a residence. It was insane by pretty much anyone’s standards and we had the lack of clientele to prove it. My business partner has journal entrees that say things like, “Two people showed up to the business this week. The first was the postman, the second was a wrong address”. Crickets. So I began to question whether or not this brilliant life altering notion that I had was actually right. And I began to give up. Until all of a sudden, in some odd storm, the New York Times discovered us.
And when that happened, people began to flood into our doors. Person, after person, after person. And fundamentally each person was saying the same thing. They were saying some version of “I’m hungry”. There’s this gnawing sense of hunger that I can’t quite reach. I don’t know how to touch it.
So I was very clear, and I would say to them “orgasm” and they would say “Haa?” And I would say “orgasm” and they would say “haa?” Because at the time what happened was they were hearing the toxic mimic of what I was talking about. Because that was the only thing that had been ever given to us. They were hearing sort of like this exaggerated version where you imagine like sex toys and boas, or the other version where you have to call your genitals weird things and you use different kind of spiritual names and stuff. But nobody was actually just imagining playing good, clean, everyday orgasm as I was talking about it.
And it was for this reason that people were coming to me saying things like “I’ve been married to my partner for 28 years and we haven’t touched for 18”. Or women were coming to me and saying, “I just roll over at night and I hope he doesn’t touch me because I don’t want to fake it again”, Or men were saying, “I want to do everything to please her and I cannot figure it out”,
Or more commonly, woman after woman was coming to my office and there was chanting, what I call The Western Woman’s Mantra: I work too hard, I eat too much, I diet too much, I drink too much, I shop too much, I give too much. And still there’s this sense of hunger that I can’t touch.
So, when I first discovered this thing — this thing that’s called Orgasmic Meditation — this practice, I was fairly smart, I was fairly savvy, it wasn’t like I grew up in a convent, I had a great sex life, I had all the climax I could ever want. And still I had never experienced anything like this.
It happened like this: I went to a party. Orgasm is compelling enough for me to unveil myself. I went to this party and I met this guy, which sounds typical, right? This wasn’t a typical guy. So he said: “I’d like to introduce you…” oh! you could use this line if you want. I’d like to introduce you to this sexuality practice and I said “ha?” and he said I’d like to introduce you to the sexuality practice.
And then he said “OK, you are going to take off your pants. And I am going to leave my clothes on. And then you’re going to lie down and I am going to put all of my attention on you for 15 minutes”.
“And then, at the end of it, you’re free to go”
Now, I am a good woman and I have the defences of every woman. I know how to say no but somehow I found myself lying there, with my legs butterflied opened. And so that you can know what the practice is so that you can go home tonight and try it. I’ll describe what he did.
I was lying there my legs were butterflied opened and he did what you would always expect in a sexual act. He took a light and shown it down there. And then, he began to describe what he saw. He said: “Your outer labia — I’m noticing that the your inner labia have this red tone to them and they’re swelling as I look at them” And I couldn’t hear anything after that because the tears just started flooding, something began to tone me.
I have never been looked at or felt that kind of compassion in that area before. So then, he sat next to me and he put his right thumb at the base of my introitus which is the area you would enter where you’d have intercourse. And he took his finger and stuck it in lubrication. And then he pulled his finger up and he put it on the upper left hand quadrant of my clitoris. Now the upper left hand quadrant, it’s of my clitoris, would be, while facing you the one o’clock position where my clitoris is [o’clock], and he stroked up down, up down, up down, up down no firmer than you would stroke your eye lid, that tender tissue there. So, it was great! Because nothing happened.
Absolutely nothing. I was where I always am or was when I was in any kind of sexuality act. I was in my head. I was thinking about whether or not I looked good. I was thinking about whether or not I was doing this thing right. I was thinking whether or not this guy was kind of creepy. I was thinking about whether or not I was going to marry him. I was thinking about whether or not my stomach looked a little poochie and then all of a sudden the traffic jam that was my mind broke open. And it was like I was on the open road and there was not a though in sight. And there was only pure feeling. For the first time in my life I felt like I had access to that hunger, that was underneath all of my other hungers, which is a fundamental hunger to connect with another human being.