What I’ve Learned About Parenting as a Stay-At-Home Dad: Glen Henry (Transcript)

All right. I want to tell you how I got my superpowers through fatherhood.

I was working a job I hated, OK? And I don’t know if anyone here ever worked a job they hated. Has anyone here ever worked a job they hated? OK, good, because I’m not alone and I have something to confess. I don’t want you guys to judge me. This feels like a safe space, is it a safe space?

[Audience: Yes]

OK, I was working the job I hated. My manager and I were not getting along. I was sitting in my car, looking in the rearview mirror, trying to figure out which friend I could call to call in a bomb threat, so I didn’t have to go back in the building. OK, this was having a lot of issues for me. I was having a lot of issues at my job and I’d come home every day from work and my wife would ask me the same question.

And when you hate your job, this is the worst question anyone could ask you. She’d say, “Hey babe, how was your day?” And I’d say, “Why you bringing up old stuff?” I just left it, I don’t want to think about that place again.

See, we were spending about 40% of my income on childcare. We had one child. And we were pregnant with our second child. And we were trying to figure out how we were going to fix this whole thing of this money situation, and she said, “Hey, babe, I’ve got a great idea.”

I said, “What’s up?”

She said, “I think you’d be a great stay-at-home dad.”

I was like, “Why would you say something like that?”

She said, “Because babies like you.”

I was like, “No, they don’t.”

She was like, “No, they do like you. And I think it would be great for our children to see what love looks like, coming from a father.” I was like, OK.

So, I had issues with this, because I haven’t seen a lot of stay-at-home dads before and I thought men would judge me, so get this, I said this — please don’t be offended — I said, “Uh, you know, that sounds boring. And what do stay-at-home moms do all day, anyway?”

She smiled at me a smile only a woman full of knowledge can smile and said, “Well, this should be easy for you. And it will save us some money, it seems like a no-brainer.”

Fast-forward six months, I’d been a stay-at-home dad for about a week. I was standing in my bathroom, looking into the mirror crying, tears — running all down my face. My one-and-a-half-year-old was banging on the bathroom door — because I locked them out, you know, crying, tears running down his face. And my newborn was in the bassinet, crying, tears running down his face. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I said “Which friend can you call to call in a bomb threat? We’ve got to get out of here.”

See, I had traded my manager for my children. I didn’t know what I got myself into. I thought I knew everything about being a stay-at-home parent, and in fact, I knew nothing at all. Because even though my manager was — well, at least my children were a lot cuter than my manager, they were just as demanding.

(Video) Child: Wipe my butt Papa, wipe my butt. Wipe my butt

What had I gotten myself into? I thought I knew everything about being a stay-at-home parent — in fact, I knew nothing. I thought that all I had to do was feed them, change their diapers, and they’d be fine. Like, I really thought that’s it. “Sesame Street” on TV, keep them distracted, apple sauce in a bowl, milk in a bottle, they’d be fine. But if you leave children alone, they’ll get into just a little bit of mischief.

(Video) Child: Hi.

GH: Where is the powder?

Child: I don’t know.

Glen Henry: Well, where did you put it, where did it — Who did it?

Child 1: No, you did it!

Child 2: No, you did it!

Child 1: No, you did it!

Child 2: No, you did it!

Glen Henry: You know what else I thought I knew about being a stay-at-home parent? I thought that all I had to do was take them to the park once a week, because if I took them to the park once a week, they’d be fine. In fact, I knew nothing at all OK.

If you take kids to park every day then that means they get dirty every day. If they got dirty every day, they need baths every day, if they got baths every day — I just don’t think you understand, see, having two kids under two, you end up changing over 20 dirty diapers a day, OK. And if you give them a bath, that’s just more nakedness. And a higher probability of getting peed on, and no one likes getting peed on, even if it’s from a baby. But I read this article by Father Lee which cites a survey done by two detergent companies, Omo and Persil. And they did this study and it said, that at two hours a day, prisoners get more outside time than children. That convicted me and so we went outside.

(Video)

See, I knew nothing about being a stay-at-home parent, and once I embraced the fact that I knew nothing, I began to learn from my new managers. And I always was told that as a stay-at-home parent, you get no sleep. Or as a parent in general, you get no sleep.

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