Editor’s Notes: In this episode of This Past Weekend, Theo Von welcomes the multi-talented Sal Vulcano, known for his iconic role on Impractical Jokers and his successful stand-up career. The two dive into hilarious and unexpected topics, ranging from Sal’s experiences with fans of his hit show to unique stories about meeting celebrities like Bruno Mars. They also touch on Sal’s upcoming projects, including the 13th season of Impractical Jokers and his extensive comedy tour across North America and Europe. It’s a classic, wide-ranging conversation filled with the signature humor and curiosity that fans of both comedians love. (April 28, 2026)
TRANSCRIPT:
Introduction
THEO VON: I want to let you know that I’ll be doing a podcast taping, this podcast, before a live audience. It’s the only time I’ve ever done that, and it may be the only time I ever do, I don’t know. But that will be with the champ, Iron Mike Tyson, on May 5th in Los Angeles at the Wiltern Theater, as part of the Netflix Is a Joke Fest. And after that, it’ll be on our channel so you can see it there. You can get tickets at theovon.com/tour.
Today’s guest is a stand-up comedian. He’s a host, he’s a podcaster, he’s just a— he’s a universal smile maker. You know him from his hit show Impractical Jokers, and he’s on tour doing stand-up right now. Always have a blast with the one and only Mr. Sal Vulcano.
Impractical Jokers and the Background Show Effect
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, we start filming season 13 on Thursday too. That’s another thing. Yeah. Wow. It’s wild. It’s been on the air for 15 years.
THEO VON: And have you ever met like a child that was conceived during the show? Like, has that ever been a thing?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, people— I— yeah, people— I know people met and got married. And I know people tell me they f* to it all the time.
THEO VON: Oh my God, really?
SAL VULCANO: I didn’t think of that until one day I was standing outside getting a flat tire fixed. I was standing on a sidewalk and a guy pulled up at a light and he rolled down the window. He’s like, “Sal, I love you, man.” I was like, “Thanks, man.” He goes, “I was having sex with my girlfriend last night while the show was on.” And I was like, “Oh shit, I never really thought about that.”
So I went on to Instagram and I posted like, “Has anyone ever had sex while my show was on?” It was like hundreds of thousands of people. I don’t even think of it, you know. One time somebody sent me a porn of people f*ing and our show was on the TV in the background. Yeah, not like a professional one.
THEO VON: Oh, just amateur?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
THEO VON: Oh shit. Maybe one day you’ll make the big leagues. Yeah, man.
SAL VULCANO: Hopefully we get to show up on a Brazzers, you know, maybe one day, bro.
THEO VON: Oh my God, dude. And why do you think it is that y’all’s show is one of those shows that’s like, “All right, you know, let’s make a child of this,” or “Let’s do the humping.”
SAL VULCANO: It’s like background, you know, like you put it on anytime. You don’t have to follow anything. You just turn it on and it’s good, like playing in the background. It plays all day long. So it’s like one of those things, like when I get to a hotel room, I turn something on and it just plays in the background. So I think people just go about their business while it’s on.
THEO VON: You think that’s it?
SAL VULCANO: I feel like— I think so. I mean, I don’t think it’s intoxicating or anything. I don’t think it’s like oysters. Yeah. Visual oysters.
THEO VON: No, I do think there’s something about y’all’s show that it’s like, it’s the one thing like spouses could probably kind of agree on. Yeah. We get that. Yeah. There’s not a lot, you know, and your kids are in there, you know, everybody could kind of agree on like, “All right, we’ll all kind of watch this.” There’s few shows like that now.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, there’s like a Venn diagram where the kids and the parents both like it. And that’s what we hear a lot too, which is like, it’s a show that everybody can be like, “Oh, I’ll watch that.” You know what I mean?
Highway to Heaven and Little House on the Prairie
THEO VON: I guess, huh? There’s a new Little House on the Prairie coming out.
SAL VULCANO: I think you and I have spoken about Little House on the Prairie before. Did we? Yeah, I think we did. With Michael Landon, because you were a big fan, right? Oh, yeah. Highway to Heaven. Oh, you’re a Michael Landon fan or a Prairie fan?
THEO VON: The Highway to Heaven, and it needs to be repaved, brother.
SAL VULCANO: I’ll say that.
THEO VON: I mean, they got— you know what I’m saying?
SAL VULCANO: So what was it? Was he an angel that was like in purgatory and his friend with the beard was another angel? Or was that a—
THEO VON: His friend was like an Oakland A’s fan. So yeah, yeah.
SAL VULCANO: But was he an angel too, the friend, or was he a civilian?
THEO VON: No, his friend was a civilian. And he could see Michael Landon? Yeah. And everybody could see him, but he came back and then he realized that Michael Landon is an angel. Bring it up, Highway to Heaven. What was the storyline on that?
SAL VULCANO: I haven’t thought of that since the last time you and I spoke about it. And the time before that was when I watched it.
THEO VON: Why do we— yeah, yeah, dude. Well, I’ve thought about it, but I can’t believe that you remembered that we had talked about it because I haven’t talked about it with someone since then.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that’s why I remember it.
THEO VON: It follows Jonathan Smith, Michael Landon, a probationary angel— you’re right— and Mark Gordon, an ex-cop, as they travel America helping people in need on behalf of the boss, God. The series focuses on providing divine intervention, love, and emotional support to individuals facing hardship. Yeah, that’s a pitch.
SAL VULCANO: That’s such a funny pitch. It’s like, “Okay, hear me out. An angel and an ex-cop.” Yeah, that’s really good.
THEO VON: I’m sold. Oh yeah, Michael Landon was one of a kind. I mean, that show was great. But yeah, the Highway to Heaven— I think they put a dang toll booth on it now.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, you can’t even— I— they couldn’t remake something like this today. You don’t think? I don’t know, maybe. I think now actually is when they probably can remake it. Now I’m thinking about it. I mean, I think you need a good Christian drama.
THEO VON: I think you need something that’s leading. I mean, it’d be nice, I think, if there were more influences towards faith, probably. But even having Little House on the Prairie back, it’s going to be a vibe, dude.
SAL VULCANO: Oh wait, so they’re bringing back Highway to Heaven or Little House on the Prairie? Little House on the Prairie. Because what was that Highway to Heaven right there just now on the right?
THEO VON: What was that? Oh, they tried to bring it back, bro. I didn’t even know. No one knew. Nobody knew. And they brought it back, it looks like, with an African-American actress. Who was her? Barry Watson. Oh, Jill Scott. Jill Scott. Grammy Award winner Jill Scott and Barry Watson. Wow, that came and went.
SAL VULCANO: Oh, or is that coming out now? I’ll give it a whirl.
THEO VON: It’s 2021. Oh, all right. Well, you can’t—
SAL VULCANO: I mean, there’s COVID times.
THEO VON: Yeah, people— and they were probably shipping people to heaven during COVID. We were the highway to heaven. It was a Pfizer 4-lane going on, bro. Fauci working the toll booth, getting the last dime out of you just to hit the turnpike.
SAL VULCANO: Was he working towards salvation, Michael Landon in Highway to Heaven? Was he saving people to get in God’s good graces? Like, why was he— he’s probationary. Yeah. I would like to know how that series ended. Yeah.
THEO VON: What was the last—
SAL VULCANO: He had to have gone to heaven. If he didn’t, I mean, it would’ve been a huge letdown, no? No, I mean, imagine he just— imagine they just left it open. Like, they don’t even tell us.
THEO VON: Yeah, let’s go to the ending of it. The series Highway to Heaven did not have a planned definitive series finale as it was canceled due to low ratings. Oh shit. Wow. So they didn’t—
SAL VULCANO: That’s always a bummer when you invest in a show and it just stops and you’re like, yeah, that’s hard.
The Lost Finale Debate
THEO VON: Or when the whole nation invests in a show too and it ends like Lost. Lost killed— Lost probably— I think there’s people that died because Lost didn’t do anything for them.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, there had to be some type of butterfly effect. Was that—
THEO VON: It was like, it was their hope. “I’m going to keep watching this and it’s going to get somewhere.”
SAL VULCANO: That was me. That was me. I watched Lost and at one point I thought Lost was the greatest show I had ever seen in my life. And then the last 2 or 3 seasons, it was like maddening. Yeah. I mean, it was— that broke a lot of people. It’s too convoluted.
THEO VON: Oh, people, divorces. I mean, that broke— people don’t realize, you don’t realize that if you invest that much with somebody into something and if that thing falls apart, you might— you can fall apart.
SAL VULCANO: You can fall, you can unravel. Your whole life can unravel. Yeah, it doesn’t take much these days.
THEO VON: Yeah, it doesn’t.
SAL VULCANO: Everyone’s right there. All it takes is just the creators of Lost stringing us along, telling us the whole time they have exact intentions when they f*ing don’t, and it comes out later. I don’t know if anyone’s ever taken them to task for that. I’ll tell you another thing, I saw the finale. I couldn’t tell you what— I can’t explain to you right now.
THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, you can’t even explain the ending. You did all that and you couldn’t explain the ending to us.
SAL VULCANO: Evangeline Lilly, God bless her.
THEO VON: Really? She’s doing fine, I’m sure.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, she’s like in Ant-Man, right? She’s like Ant-Woman.
THEO VON: Oh, she is? I think so. I didn’t know.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that show was so good, dude.
THEO VON: The flashbacks, the flash sideways, flash forwards, flash sideways. They started flashing sideways. I’m like, “What is that?”
SAL VULCANO: I’ve never seen a flash sideways before. Lost. Yeah, yeah. How do you flash sideways? They did it. Yeah, they did it. I’d like to flash sideways. Oh, today I’d like to flash sideways today.
Sal’s Medical Circuit in LA
THEO VON: Yeah, you’re doing— you said you’re in town. You hit the doctor, you’re on the medical circuit right now.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, I’m in the medical circuit. My doctor lives out here, my boy from high school. Really? He’s my primary.
THEO VON: So it’s your friend from high school?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, it’s my boy from— I’ve known him since we were 13. Wow. Yeah, so shout out James Loesch.
THEO VON: So I don’t know if I want to go to my friend and let him— but I guess if it’s your boy, you can trust him with anything.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that’s where it started out of. Like, you can show them your body and whatever. No, I haven’t shown him my body, and that would be where I probably— I understand what you’re saying there.
Right there is where I thought I would have to do it this week, show him my body, because we had a list of things to do. I got like what’s called a DEXA scan, a CT angiogram. I got a blood draw for a full panel plus a cancer screening. I got an MRI today. I’m doing everything. And then it said in there— what is that? It said in there— that’s him, huh? That’s me.
THEO VON: Oh, it is? That’s you again.
SAL VULCANO: He pulled him up in a tux at 18 years old.
THEO VON: Dude, every time we bring up pictures of guys, I cannot even believe it’s you. And it’s you every time.
SAL VULCANO: No, it said physical. So at one point I was like, “You don’t have to hold my sack or anything, do you?” Yeah, but then I just let it go and then he didn’t say anything and then it was fine.
THEO VON: But do you think you’re missing out on something that’s important information or something just because you guys are kind of shy or whatever?
SAL VULCANO: I was wondering if in general, like, when was the last time you got a physical?
THEO VON: A physical?
Testicular Self-Exam and Bruno Mars
SAL VULCANO: You have to do it for the movie or something like that, maybe? Probably.
THEO VON: I mean, I wouldn’t bet it probably wasn’t too long ago, but I’ve gotten all the blood panels.
SAL VULCANO: I get them done all the time. Yeah, yeah. So I just don’t know if that’s antiquated, like them holding you and saying cough or drop your pants. I don’t really hear people talk about that anymore.
THEO VON: Yeah, hold them in. Yeah, call your stepfather a queer or whatever. Yeah, exactly.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that’s not— yeah, it’s not, I mean, it’s not a medical term. They’re taking liberty. You’re like, “I don’t think I was going to cough, but call my dad a queer?” “Trust me, just do it.” It’s like, yeah, it’s—
THEO VON: Yeah, it’ll release some stress. You’re like, okay.
SAL VULCANO: I don’t know what they’re looking for, but if he didn’t touch my balls, then I guess he’s not going to find anything there. Yeah. So I guess that was an oversight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I guess, what are they checking for when they hold your balls? Like a hernia?
THEO VON: Well, I mean, look, I think it—
SAL VULCANO: On that, I don’t lift anything. I got a bad back.
THEO VON: Doctor says I can’t even lift my— Bro, let’s check it right now. Yes, it is standard medical procedure for a doctor to hold the scrotum while asking you to cough and check for it. And I get that, but that shit seems hella— it seems like the Catholic Church is involved in it a little bit. That’s a little backsplash of uncertainty. But what, how do we self-check our own balls?
SAL VULCANO: That’s what I would look up. Yeah, maybe a self-exam I could do.
THEO VON: Because it’s probably time, man, that we know how to do this. Just because there’s a lot of times I’m sitting in a lobby or I’m chilling, you know? Yeah. And then you don’t know what’s going on down there. Well, it’s like, I might as well check it out.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah. Oh yeah, we could check all the time. Yeah. If we know what we’re doing. We’re checking without knowing, usually.
THEO VON: Yeah, usually I’m feeling around my balls like, “Oh, what is that? Don’t touch that.” There’s like that part that’s like, yeah, that’s the thing attached to the ball that’s like weird. Yeah, yeah. Like, “Oh, that’s the HVAC area.”
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, I’m not certified, like, you know, inner bag. I don’t really know anything in the inner bag. There’s definitely, dude.
THEO VON: Yeah, there’s moments where you’re like, “Oh, what is that?” That’s where it gets scary, bro. Yeah, yeah. You’re like, “Oh, that just feels like—” and then it’s like, feels like a— “Oh, that’s just a Skittle or something.” I still won’t go.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, I still won’t go if I feel like I have a taste like a rainbow in— like, if I have a Skittle in there or something, I would just be like, I would sooner Google it. There’s something I just— I’m not really— he would have had to probably take his balls out for me to feel comfortable.
THEO VON: Oh, that’s fair. Yeah, dude, that should be something you guys do for the show, for like one of the things. Yeah, we’ll do that. Get him into that center, you know.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, I got my doctor in there and show his balls on our show.
THEO VON: Makes sense. We’re just, you know, now with the doctors got to do, you know, get them to, you know, I need you to hold your ball while you hold my balls, you know what I’m saying? And we sing a little bit of Bruno Mars, you know? Yeah, Bruno’s good, man. Dude, it reminds me, you had a story about Bruno. Remember he went to his show?
Bruno Mars Shouting Out the Show
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, he was dope. He was like, it was a bit back, but he was like bartending for us backstage. And then during his finale, he was like yelling out quotes from my show, like in the middle of like, “You make me feel like I’m locked out of hell.” And he just starts— and then there’s pyrotechnics. And then he just started screaming out lines from the show. And I was like, I can’t believe this. I actually missed it. I was like with people and I didn’t hear him say it and they were freaking out.
Oh, I think I told this last time, but I was like, I remember like I was like 4 or 5 people. I was with my girl and the guys and they went nuts. And I thought they were just going nuts for the song “Lock.” And I was like, “Wow, they’re really big fans.” Like that’s like, they were like overhyped, you know. Obviously they just heard him quoting us, so they were reacting like that. And I was like, “This song is good, but they’re really into it.” And they’re like, “I can’t believe he—”
THEO VON: He shouted out— you was getting something.
SAL VULCANO: No, I was right there with him, but I didn’t hear— like, there were fireworks going off and I didn’t hear it. And then I was like— and then they were like, “I can’t believe he quoted you.” I’m like, “He quoted me and you didn’t even know? You were right there.” Is this real? That’s real. You could pull off— it looks like AI, right? That’s real. You could pull off a hat like that.
THEO VON: There’s Bruno Mars. I could never pull off a hat like that. Never. “Joe and Sal came down to the show in Albany tonight. Albany. Oh, it’s Albany. Albany. Albany. Sorry. And if you ain’t seen the show in Practical Jokes, you’re missing out. Apparently. Apparently. Yeah, apparently. Apparently Murr was there.”
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, Murr got there late and after it was over. He got stuck in traffic and he like drove 8 hours and missed it. I swear to God. Yeah, he drove. I’m not— I know he might. Honestly, honestly, I think he drove like 13 hours. I don’t know why. I forget the circumstances surrounding it, but he got there late and just missed the whole thing. Damn.
Performing a Testicular Self-Exam
THEO VON: Yeah. Dude, God, I couldn’t wear a hat like that. Yeah, I couldn’t wear a hat like that. I wouldn’t be able to do it good. So we don’t forget this because I do think it’s important. What can we do to check out our nuts to make sure that we’re okay? What do we do? Actually got this first— using both hands, and I’ll just— you just cut my waist up. Don’t do me lower than the waist. I’m going to check while we’re here.
SAL VULCANO: I can’t see it, but I’ll— you tell me. Maybe you give me a play-by-play. All right, like, what do you feel? What are you feeling for right now? What do you— what is it? I don’t know.
THEO VON: I think I feel like I’m in like the cottage cheese section right now.
SAL VULCANO: Well, ultimately though, what are you looking for? Are you looking for a hernia? Are you looking for a Skittle? Like, what are you looking for?
THEO VON: Cancer. Oh, that’s what we’re doing?
SAL VULCANO: That’s like— that’s cancer?
THEO VON: We’re doing cancer screening. Yeah, I’m not going to waste my time.
SAL VULCANO: You might as well screen for everything if you’re feeling around. Just do a full thing. Screen for everything.
THEO VON: Dude, I can’t do a full panel or whatever. You could do it.
SAL VULCANO: Can you tell the difference between a hernia and cancer? I know. I will say, like, it is weird with both hands on your balls while I’m talking to you.
THEO VON: Yeah, I agree.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, normally it would be when we first met.
THEO VON: Well, if you would give me a second, I’m trying to see if I have cancer. Okay, what is this? What is this?
SAL VULCANO: What is this animation though? What is— why is it no sack?
THEO VON: I don’t know, that’s dick-saur, I think. Oh, that’s a cheap joke, but thank you for supporting me.
SAL VULCANO: No, it was good, man. Take me—
THEO VON: Just get it on the wording again one more time. Go back. “Perform a testicular self-exam monthly.” Oh God, dude, I am 400 months behind schedule. Yeah. “Ideally during or after a warm shower when the scrotum’s relaxed.” Yeah, you— oh, if you got that hard bag, bro.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, you can’t do it in like the winter.
THEO VON: Yeah, if you feel like it’s kind of like a— feels like a bit of like a really ripe avocado, you gotta back off the sack. Yeah, that’s right. “Using both hands, gently roll each testicle between your thumb and finger to check for hard lumps, smooth bumps—” that’s a unique term, that’s got to be an oxymoron. Smooth bumps, how can you find that?
SAL VULCANO: That’s crazy. What’s a smooth bump? Isn’t it by definition a bump not smooth? “Hard lumps, smooth bumps.” Theo Von Story.
THEO VON: Yeah, my journey through chemotherapy. “Or changes in size, shape, or consistency.”
SAL VULCANO: What do they mean, changes in size? Like, it’s like a— I guess if one’s gotten really—
THEO VON: Like, one sounds like it, like its throat’s clogged or whatever.
SAL VULCANO: Oh, there’s always one bigger than the other, isn’t there? Or is that breasts? Isn’t that true for balls and breasts?
THEO VON: There’s always one that’s bigger. Yeah, I think that’s true. I’m going to read this one part off and then we’ll get to that. “Hard pea-sized lumps or nodules, a new dull ache or feeling of heaviness in the lower abdomen or groin.” So that I think is more for hernia. “And then significant swelling or a sudden change in size.” So I guess the good thing is if you do it repeatedly, you’ll start to— that’s the thing, you probably have to do it repeatedly so you get an idea.
SAL VULCANO: You catch it. Yes, you have a baseline. You have a baseline.
THEO VON: Because otherwise, if you’re just wandering into your nuts with your hands or whatever, right, everything in there, yeah, you don’t know what’s in there at all.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah.
THEO VON: “Neither testicle nor breasts are always perfectly symmetrical. One side is typically slightly larger, positioned differently in most people.” Hmm. “And the testicles usually hang at different levels. That gives them also the illusion of seeming like they’re different size.”
SAL VULCANO: It’d be funny if we didn’t have a back and they just hung the ball like in that— like how the hand was holding the two individual testicles. Oh yeah, yeah, that would be weird. That’d be very weird. Like hung like on a string, like on strings, like just like kabangas. Like, oh yeah, like remember those f*ing— those kabangas? Yeah, when we were little, like it was like two balls on the strings and you were like pop pop pop pop pop pop pop and they were like—
THEO VON: They were called kabangas. Bring them up, them kabangas, bro.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, get those kabangas up. You don’t remember those?
THEO VON: I never seen those in my life. What, bro? They still sell them now, buddy. I promise you.
SAL VULCANO: Where? Man, dude, I’m so— I’m sorry because like I had some really nice times with those. With them? Come back. Yeah, like they’re really— when you get— when you know what you’re doing, you can see a video of somebody doing it. When you know what you’re doing, it’s a real treat.
Kerbangers Commercial
VIDEO CLIP BEGINS:
UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: Oh, here’s a video, a commercial for them. Smitty’s has them. They’re the original curve bangers and they’re guaranteed safe for play and unbreakable, so they’ll never chip, peel, or shatter. Get the original Kerbangers at Smitty’s and get set for some fast action.
VIDEO CLIP ENDS:
THEO VON: Oh, you’re not getting freaking toothed out. You knock your neighbor’s nuts off. Yeah, they were like little, like nunchucks. Oh, I did used to wish that, like, your nuts had, like, a— they were like a secret hearing device or whatever. Like, you could throw— roll one somewhere into a room and it would be able to hear what was going on. That’s really good. Like a recon nut or whatever.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, like a James Bond nut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s good. There’s, you know, the sack is a good place to hide something. Oh yeah. You know, if you can get like some type of surgery where you get like a— it’s almost like a— you remember what, you remember what they call Ruse? Kangaroos, the sneaker? Ruse. Yeah, remember? Yeah. So the thing about kangaroos, or Ruse I think they’re called, is every single sneaker had a like a hidden pocket on it.
THEO VON: Oh, that’s right.
SAL VULCANO: Like in the tongue or on the side. And they should bring those back, you know. But that’d be like, you can do that with your pouch, like with the sack, and then you could hide stuff in there.
THEO VON: Yeah, I bet you could get that modulated, bro. If you got your nuts modulated, bro, you could do that in a f*ing heartbeat. Yeah, get you a little side, get you a little pouch almost, or get like almost like a little fanny pack put on it. Yeah, they should make a little fanny pack for your nuts that goes around you.
SAL VULCANO: This is not a bad idea if we could find a safe medical way to do it, because you ever throw on like a pair of sweats and there’s no pockets and you leave the house and you got no pockets? Oh, when you have no pockets, feel like I might have to go back. Yeah, yeah. Like, I will not buy pants without a proper pocket.
THEO VON: Yeah, well, of course I know what you mean.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah. And then— but if you had a sack that held stuff, like a pouch, you feel like—
THEO VON: Oh, you wouldn’t have to think about it anymore.
SAL VULCANO: You could throw on any pants you want. You could flippantly throw on pants before you leave the house, not even think twice about it.
THEO VON: Yeah, that’s true. Yeah, if you like— oh, I’ll just— yeah, I got enough room for just a couple Zans. Or you could put like your license in there, a key, key fob. I think putting your license in your nuts is crazy work, bro. Yeah, you’re right.
SAL VULCANO: But the whole concept is— so you could have gave me— it’s just, you know, we’re just trying. I mean, I don’t think we’re putting anything in there really, but—
THEO VON: Well, here’s the thing, if I don’t have—
SAL VULCANO: You’re going to put a zinn in there? Two zinns? I think you could put— I would be careful putting two zinns in there. That’s the tobacco? Yeah, yeah. You are— took it to another level. Now you’re going to get ball cancer. All I’m doing is trying to have identification on me.
THEO VON: Yeah, you’re right. You’re right, man. I’m really going to kind of like my separate way.
SAL VULCANO: But also, I didn’t ever got that enhanced license for travel. So now, just in case, I always got to bring my passport with me to the airport. I’m always afraid I’m going to forget it at home and then it’s going to be lights out because I can’t get on a thing. So I would put my— maybe my pass— you have to fold it up. It might be on console, but I would maybe permanently carry my passport in my sack.
THEO VON: Bro, you can’t fold— dude, think about this though, Sal. I hear you and I love what you’re saying, but you’re right.
SAL VULCANO: To fold your f*ing passport— it was stupid. Yeah, I know. It’s too much. I couldn’t do it. It’s not— it’s not built to be folded.
THEO VON: But here’s what I do think is— yeah, if you had your nuts or whatever, yeah, if you could put two— I’m trying to give you a couple, couple zens in your nuts or whatever, a couple Alps in there.
SAL VULCANO: You do the zinning? I don’t do it. I mean, neither.
THEO VON: I don’t know, but I think it would be crazy if they’re like, yeah, we think you have, like, gum cancer in your nut. Like, you’ll get like tooth and gum cancer, whatever. Yeah, they’re like, somehow you got mouth—
SAL VULCANO: You got gingivitis of the balls.
THEO VON: Somehow you got mouth cancer. Yes, because I’ve been f*ing zenning. Yeah, through my magical nut pouch. But dude, no two nuts are the same. You know that? No two nuts, actually, like snowflakes. Yeah, yeah, pretty cool.
Dancing and Going Out
THEO VON: You dance?
SAL VULCANO: No, dude, but I will tell you this. My friend and I, maybe almost probably like maybe 30 months ago or whatever, we went to the park and we saw— and we watched the people do the salsa dancing. Salsa?
SAL VULCANO: So good. That’s right, 30 months ago you went to the park? Yeah. And watched people salsa dancing?
THEO VON: And bro, we watched it. At first we were like, whatever, bro, let’s don’t look too long because it’s just me and him and we’re not with anybody or whatever.
SAL VULCANO: But it was just— you mean like there was like a competition or like a dance party or something?
THEO VON: Yeah, it’s just a dance party they had over there by the lake. It’s over there by Centennial Park in Nashville. You can probably even look it up. And so they, yeah, it was just like a lot of Latinos and a couple of like Indian guys trying to pretend they were Mexican or whatever, like putting on like— Yeah, but they have their own really good dance routines too.
SAL VULCANO: You ever see them? They go hard. Yeah, like those routines where everyone’s doing the same thing, choreographed. It’s like She’s All That.
THEO VON: It’s like She’s All That. Is it like that?
SAL VULCANO: I feel like the Indian weddings I’ve seen in passing on like YouTube or like on Instagram. Yeah, and you see them dance and like they all know the exact— that’s so cool. That is cool, huh? For like a dance to bust out and everyone does it together. Yeah, you know.
THEO VON: Dude, that’s a good— yeah, man, it’s—
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, I went out dancing last night.
THEO VON: You went out dancing?
SAL VULCANO: I felt like my mom in the ’80s. You’re lying. I swear to you, I went out dancing.
THEO VON: You felt like your mom? I love a brooch. You wore a brooch?
SAL VULCANO: I know, but I do love a brooch. Me too. I do. I got my wife a brooch recently. You did? I swear to God. Yeah, that’s awesome. I love it. So brooches, they’re just wonderful. I think they’re like— they’re not in style anymore, but they’re timeless.
THEO VON: Brooches. Yeah, yeah. I think when you see someone with a brooch, you think— well, sometimes you think like somebody passed away and there’s like a little image of them in it, right? Sometimes like a lock, something like that.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah. But sometimes it’s just decorative.
THEO VON: Yes. Yeah, you think this one— they’re almost like— it feels like a little bit of royalty, like neighborhood royalty.
SAL VULCANO: I like it. Yeah, it does feel like something, like a little bit of like a badge. Yes. Yeah, right.
THEO VON: That’s what it is. Oh yeah, they got some great brooches.
Motown Mondays and Dancing
SAL VULCANO: There’s a place here called The Five Spot, it’s a bar, and on Mondays they have Motown Mondays, and that’s all I need to hear. Yeah, I love it. It was like all soul music, Motown music. And we went last night, it was one of my friend’s birthdays. We went and I was like, I don’t go out because, you know, at home I’m just working and the kids and stuff. So I was like, let’s go, let’s go, dude. I danced for like a good couple hours last night. I don’t remember the last time I did that, probably like at a wedding or something. But I was like in the wild dancing. No way.
THEO VON: Yeah, dude, that’s so fun. And everybody was just dancing, having fun?
SAL VULCANO: Everybody. Yeah, the place wasn’t that crowded and every last person there was dancing.
THEO VON: “Get Down On It,” they play stuff like that.
SAL VULCANO: You talking about Kool & the Gang? Yeah. Come on, babe, I love it. Yeah, it’s hard. You get down, that song comes on by Kool & the Gang, I have to dance. Yeah, I don’t know about you. So you don’t dance?
THEO VON: You know what, here’s the thing, I just forget about it. You know, I think if I had a date, like someone, like, I wouldn’t mind having a date and we go to the square dancing. There is a Tuesday night place here that does square dancing. I think it’s the American Legion or something where they teach you how to square dance. My friend Chris just went last week.
SAL VULCANO: And now line dancing like that?
THEO VON: Yes. Yeah. So I would like to learn that. Yeah. And then that’s a nice entry point. Yeah.
SAL VULCANO: And just a couple of two steps get you feeling like you’re part of the group.
THEO VON: Yes. To get me out on the dance floor. I used to love to dance. Now sometimes I think I feel a little bit like sometimes I have some social anxiety about that.
SAL VULCANO: Sure. It’s hard to dance now if people are like, yeah, you can’t just let loose.
THEO VON: Yeah. Honestly, I’m afraid. Yeah. Somebody will video me and probably make fun of me, which is fair. I’m okay if they make fun of me. Yeah. But just doing it like— there’s some part of it I don’t like. And I think it’s just that— here’s the thing. I don’t want to see a video of how bad I’m dancing because I want to still believe in my head that I’m a good dancer. Sure, sure, sure. That’s what it is. Yeah, but so don’t take that ability away from me. Yeah, by like using me to f*ing just to burn me one.
SAL VULCANO: I would love to watch you sincerely dance. Okay, you know. I would just love to see you like genuinely dancing. Okay, let’s see what that looks like. Okay, you know, what your rhythm is, what your moves are, like how you get down.
THEO VON: I think a lot of like that— oh, when the blues would come on, bro, I’d get out there and dance to the blues. Yeah, they used to have a place called Tabby’s Blues Box over there in downtown Baton Rouge, bro, and I’d get out there, bro, and they had a little bit of sliced ham or something over there on the side, you know.
SAL VULCANO: They’re like— they put out a little like a little like all-you-can-eat type of thing or something.
THEO VON: It was like— it wasn’t all you could eat, but it was like you can eat a little. Yeah, yeah, you know what I’m saying? But they had like—
SAL VULCANO: I had that food. People would dance to the blues and eat ham.
THEO VON: Yeah. Yeah, they had a dude sitting by it, so you know you couldn’t have that much.
SAL VULCANO: Oh, so it was like he served it? Like when you get up at a wedding at a buffet and they slice it for you like that?
THEO VON: Oh yeah, like that. No, no, no. Ham steak? No, this was just kind of regular ham. Like deli ham? No, it was like a— it was like a few stairs up from deli ham.
SAL VULCANO: So somewhere between deli ham and the ham steak?
THEO VON: Yeah, like neighborhood ham or whatever. Or like ham that had been kind of trucked in. It hadn’t been flown in. But it had come on a truck. But how do they prepare it?
SAL VULCANO: Like, what’s like a glaze?
THEO VON: No, they just cooked— I think they cooked it.
SAL VULCANO: Just cooked ham? Yeah. And then the blues— yeah, well, the blues.
THEO VON: And they had some crackers out there. They just had a little setup, but they had a dude. You could tell you couldn’t have a lot because that dude’s sitting by it, right? They had like, “We’re going to pay this dude to sit by it.”
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, because that’s unfortunately what happens in society. You just have unchecked ham, it’s going to be like a Black Friday situation. You ever see when they give the tote bags at Trader Joe’s? People just become animals. Yeah, you can’t— ham— people are already sad listening to the blues, you can’t just put out ham, they’re going to run for that. It’s a comfort food.
THEO VON: Oh bro, yeah, it was one song was so sad and I had a mouthful of f*ing ham and it’s hard to cry when your mouth’s full, you know what I’m talking about? Yeah, you remember being a kid, you’re like, cry and chew.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, you couldn’t—
THEO VON: Yeah, you can’t cry and chew.
SAL VULCANO: You can’t, you can’t cry and eat.
THEO VON: It was a fat boy’s dilemma, bro. You really can’t though. That’s why you can’t be sad and chubby, dude, because that’s the dilemma that God sets you in. Like, “You’re going to be able to have as much little ham as you want, but you ain’t going to be able to be sad about it.”
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that’s why people eat, to stop crying.
THEO VON: Oh dude, yes. Why isn’t that— should be written on our American flag.
SAL VULCANO: Think about someone with a huge hoagie, hysterically crying and eating it. I’ve never seen it. It’s a visual I’ve never seen. People can’t cry and eat at the same time. Yeah, right.
THEO VON: It’s like sneezing and— or it’s like, yeah, right, whatever it’s called, like sneezing and like wishing for something.
SAL VULCANO: Yes. I thought it was something with sneezing.
THEO VON: It’s like rubbing your belly and like chewing gum.
SAL VULCANO: No.
THEO VON: And patting your head, flirting with your neighbor’s wife or something.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, you can’t do it all. Yeah, it’s like patting your head, rubbing your belly, and checking your balls for cancer.
THEO VON: Yeah. Thank you, bro. Oh, thank you for making me laugh today. I appreciate it.
SAL VULCANO: Of course, man. I appreciate it.
Sal’s Podcasts and New Show: Minouche
THEO VON: I want to ask you, so you— because your podcasting has changed recently, and I wanted to talk about this. I wanted to know why, because you had two podcasts. You had one that you were doing with Chris DeStefano. Yes, Hey Babe. Hey Babe. And then you had your own.
SAL VULCANO: I had one with Joe DeRosa called Taste Buds.
THEO VON: And you have one with Joe DeRosa called Taste Buds. Yeah. And Joe moved to Austin. Yes, he did. So that kind of brought that one to an end.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah. And Chris moved upstate or whatever, but—
THEO VON: Oh, he’s living upstate.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, but I’m telling you, because when we put these on hiatus, we said to the fans, like, they’re just going on hiatus. It’s been a couple of years now, but people think we lied. We had no intentions of— we have full intentions of bringing both back. No joke. Like, I talked to both of them recently. Chris texted me 2 days ago and said, “You want to do like a short run of them just to put it back out there?” And I’m like, yeah. And I talked to Joe. He said the same. So we really are going to bring it back.
But I got a new talk show pod coming out called Minouche, which is like short for Minutia. And it’s like big guests, small talk, but it’s like absurd. It goes in and out of conversation and sketch comedy. It’s like something just completely different. Yeah, like it’s off the wall. It’s really fun. I shot like 10 episodes. So you already did? Yeah, I shot 10. I’m going to do them by seasons, like 10-episode seasons. So I’m going to release it probably sometime in May and then kick it off. It’s been so much fun. I talked to you about it.
THEO VON: You got to come watch. Yeah, I’m going to come in. When you come through New York, I’m going to come and do one.
SAL VULCANO: Please. I would love to have you. We will have a lot of fun. It’s really different. Like, it’s not this— Well, yeah, that’s what I’m curious about.
THEO VON: So like, yeah, because you’re saying it also involves improv. So how does that kind of look?
SAL VULCANO: It’s like nothing that we do and say is to be taken seriously. It’s all just— we’re doing shtick the whole time and we’re in on the joke. It’s edited really fun. It’s edited in little chunks and it’s like to look like it’s on an old VHS tape. It’s really— I don’t know, it’s just something I just made up like a couple years ago when we went on hiatus. I’m like, “I want to do something completely solo that has a really specific sensibility to it.” So it doesn’t— I mean, this isn’t a great pitch, it doesn’t sound funny, but it has a really unique quality to it. I’m super excited for people to see.
THEO VON: You do a lot— I mean, those are your wheelhouses, you know, comedy and improv. And so to have some of that together, I think it definitely makes sense.
Making the Movie with David Spade
SAL VULCANO: How was your experience filming the movie and stuff? Did you guys improvise a lot on that?
THEO VON: I think I didn’t know exactly what was going on, to be honest with you. Like, bro, until the day we showed up there, it’s gotta be nerve-wracking, right?
SAL VULCANO: I thought it was all emails.
THEO VON: So the day we showed up on set, I was like, “No way,” everybody was being real serious about this, you know? Yeah. And it was a real movie. There’s like people walking around, there’s like one guy just looking for something. Yeah, you know, there’s like some guys dressing somebody up in an outfit or whatever, you know. It’s like, “We need—”
SAL VULCANO: You had the full trailer, like all that s*.
THEO VON: Oh, everything is like electrical lines. It’s like, “Don’t—” you know, and people—
SAL VULCANO: You funded it too? Like, you guys made it yourself?
THEO VON: Yeah, we wrote it and funded it and everything. So isn’t that like—
SAL VULCANO: How nerve-wracking was that to be like, “All right, this is going to do well, going to invest them back?” But even the fact that you’ve never done that before, and then to walk in on a production that size and then be the person running it, basically.
THEO VON: That’s a good question, dude. I think honestly I kind of struggled with that, you know. I want to be— I’m very particular about what I put out in a way. Like, I just wanted to try and be true to myself, however. Right. And it wasn’t like bad or anything. It was just different. Right. And going back, I wish in some places I would have spoke up more, and in some places I wish I would have spoke up less.
SAL VULCANO: It’s going to be a learning experience. We made the one movie and it was a learning experience for me. Like, there’s a lot of things I would change afterwards.
THEO VON: But did a lot of people go see your movie?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, it was out when COVID hit. We were in theaters when the world shut down, so we were expanding because we had a great per-theater average. They didn’t give us a wide, wide rollout, but we were the highest per-theater average, so it kept expanding week over week. So we were heading into our 5th week. They were going to give us a few more weeks and then they shut down. Yeah, it’s kind of nuts.
THEO VON: But yeah, I don’t have a ton of ego in it. I think it was awesome. I learned so much.
SAL VULCANO: Did you have nerves every day, or did that go away?
THEO VON: For sure, some scenes I did. Some scenes I just got to be— I’m like the ball. Say if somebody’s bouncing a ball off a wall, I’m kind of the wall, right? Sure, sure. And then it kind of changed over time. Sometimes I’m catching the ball and throwing it back. Yeah. So I think it was just moments of confidence when my confidence would feel okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And learning as I went. But I mean, I’d taken acting class over the years. I’d done a lot of practice scenes and s*, but in the end you just want to have fun with your buddy and you want to come up with what’s funny.
So we’d be sitting there improvising a lot, like throwing ideas at Spade, like, “We’ll try this one.” And then sometimes you want to hold your idea because you don’t want to tell him because you want to say it in real time. Yeah. So it’s actually money.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But a lot of that, yeah.
Filming During the LA Fires
THEO VON: But looking back, I think there’s so many just little moments, like just seeing Spade trying to stay warm because we had a day we were supposed to shoot during the— during the fires. The s fing, you know, dude. Yeah, whoever it was, somebody that Spencer Pratt hates tried to burn down the Palisades, you know. And while all that s was happening, yeah, our movie was supposed to shoot. But once you’ve already paid and got s locked in, you’re kind of locked in.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, for sure.
THEO VON: And so one day there was like 60-mile-per-hour winds, and we didn’t need wind in the movie or whatever, right?
SAL VULCANO: Right, right. You have to— it has to be in it. We can’t afford a redo, right?
THEO VON: Right, right. You know, it’s like, yeah, it’s 60-mile-an-hour winds.
SAL VULCANO: This scene of you guys in the park and there’s a tornado for no reason. Like, you might make mention of it in the movie, or is it just like whipping winds?
THEO VON: Oh, there’s just whipping winds. This one day at this gas station, and the guy, Stevie Januski, Steve Little, he’s from Eastbound and Down.
SAL VULCANO: Oh, God, dude, he is the funniest guy. He is. I mean, that character, the outtakes from Eastbound and Down are the— I think the greatest thing ever, ever on record. You worked with him? How is he in real life?
The LA Fires, Foul Play, and Family Life
THEO VON: Oh, dude, I mean, it’s literally like the nicest guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s so funny. It’s all like for somebody that has such an effect, like being funny. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to have too much of an effect in any other way. Not in— he just— he’s a gentle guy. That’s what I mean.
SAL VULCANO: Okay.
THEO VON: He’s a gentle guy. He doesn’t— he’s not trying to stir the pot or anything. Sure. But you f*ing put him right there in the middle of a porch and cut those lights on, and dang, it’s—
SAL VULCANO: Oh, he made— he had you laughing.
THEO VON: It’s a beautiful soup.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that’s awesome.
THEO VON: So yeah, just little things like that, I think.
SAL VULCANO: And looking back, so the fires delayed you?
THEO VON: No, we just had to like move a little bit over this hill, and like, we’ll probably be safe over this hill or whatever. And I’m like, that sounds—
SAL VULCANO: Oh, it was like during them?
THEO VON: Well, yeah, yeah, that’s— oh yeah, it was during them.
SAL VULCANO: Oh my God, dude. No, when you’re like, it’s like— s* was spreading across town.
THEO VON: Like, yeah, there’d be times you’d be going across. Yeah, and you’d see Justin. Oh my God, you see a bird fly by and he was on fire, whatever. Stop, bro. He’s like, I gotta get somewhere. He’s like, my wife’s pissed or whatever. You’re like, all right, just do it. Oh man. But yeah, I didn’t even think to say that. Yeah, the fires are going on. So there’d be days you’re driving home and s*’s just on fire everywhere. That’s messed up.
Foul Play with Anthony Davis
SAL VULCANO: It was crazy. We had to have the— I executive produced this show that started, that came out this week actually. It’s called Foul Play with Anthony Davis, AD, NBA player.
THEO VON: Oh yeah. He played for the Pelicans.
SAL VULCANO: He played— down in New Orleans. He’s in the— I think he’s on Dallas now. He got traded from the Lakers.
THEO VON: Oh, they traded him? You interviewed him?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, I think so. But so he has this show. It’s like a Punk’d almost. It started last week. We had to pull a bit from the first episode. 16 episodes. And it just aired. It rated like the highest new series on TBS in years. So we had this thing where Floyd Mayweather was the guest and he was helping us do this prank on this person. So this family lost their house in a fire. This was before the fires. The setup was that this family lost their house in a fire, and Floyd Mayweather held this charity barbecue for them to get, like, with the community to get like their belongings back. So people brought them like gifts and stuff.
THEO VON: That’s beautiful.
SAL VULCANO: So they got all their, like, housewares and things back, and like people are donating this stuff at the barbecue, at the charity barbecue, and then all their stuff catches fire from the barbecue and burns again. So like they just lost—
THEO VON: I feel like I almost saw this, dude.
SAL VULCANO: It was the funniest thing ever. And Floyd Mayweather is in on it. But then when the fires happened, they were like, we can’t put this in. It’s too insensitive. So they pulled it. But it was supposed to be in the first episode. It was really funny. And Draymond Green was there? Yeah, he was in another one.
THEO VON: He’s always fighting. He’s always hitting white dudes all the time.
SAL VULCANO: Is he? I don’t know.
THEO VON: He used to be anyway. He might have gotten healed or whatever. He might have gotten saved.
SAL VULCANO: I haven’t heard much about him hitting— He was just hitting whites or off-whites or whatever.
THEO VON: He’s hitting like mixed dudes or whatever. Like it was like mixed and down, you know. It just seemed like a lot of times he wouldn’t crack like a real solid black dude. I will say that, bro, and respect him, he’s a champion and he whooped my ass, but he definitely punched mixed and down, I think, you know. But dude, that’s so cool. What’s Anthony Davis like? Does he have a big personality?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, he’s dope. He’s really fun. The reason we end up doing this, because he was a guest on our show, and we did a bunch of stuff with them. And then he was like, “I love this.” He’s like, “I love this more than basketball.” He’s like, “This is what I really want to do.” I swear to God, he’s like, “This is where I really wish I could do.” And we’re like, “Why don’t we develop something together?” And then we did and got picked up. Foul Play.
THEO VON: Foul Play. That’s awesome. So people can watch this on TBS?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, it’s on every week now.
THEO VON: Dude, that’s great, bro. Yeah, I’ll share something about it as soon as our show’s over. Yeah, yeah. Dude, we got that.
SAL VULCANO: We got— and I told you, we got— I start filming Jokers again in 2 days, season 13.
THEO VON: Crazy. So Minouche is the podcast? Yeah, podcast improv show.
SAL VULCANO: I think it’s like a talk show.
THEO VON: Yeah, it’s a talk show. And that’s just going to be on YouTube?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, well, we’re going to pitch it, we’re going to, try to sell it. But YouTube’s great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re doing YouTube.
THEO VON: And you should be like, just on YouTube, but now you’re like, if it better be on YouTube. Yeah. Oh yeah, for sure.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah.
THEO VON: Dude, yeah, that’s great. You’re staying so busy. Do you feel kind of overwhelmed?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah. I had another kid since I saw you last.
Revisiting the Viral Clip
THEO VON: Oh, dude, remember last time, dude? Yo, man.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah. You know why, dude? I get talked to so much about my appearance on here last time and the clip of me talking about my daughter. Oh, yeah. It was pretty dope. Let’s play it.
THEO VON: I want to see it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just want to feel something today. How about this? Let me remember.
SAL VULCANO: I hadn’t spoken about anything in public prior to this. Your show now is— like, it’s like news is the news media now. Like, this is, you know, this is literally—
THEO VON: You guys trying to decide if they have testicular— yeah, but it is testicular cancer.
SAL VULCANO: I’m like, all right, so I was like, let’s, you know, I talked about on my own terms with you. I felt comfortable. I’m like, you know, you were like, “You take it out if you want. Like, just leave it, just put it out.” I’m happy. And ever since then, it’s been like a new thing for me because like it’s out in the open now. Now my new hour that I’m touring with, like, I talk about my family, my kids. I never did that before. Take me through some of that.
THEO VON: Will you honestly just talk, like, honestly, Sal? Like, just tell me like, yeah, because I think there’s like, there’s probably parts in all of our lives where we’re afraid to talk about something, or afraid to talk about it, and then it ends up being different on the other side. Because yeah, I think you were, uh, yeah, let’s just say we’ll take a peek at it really quick. We can always take this out.
SAL VULCANO: Happiness and joy that you feel like you are. I love the music in the background.
THEO VON: Damn, I’m crying. That’s good, that’s good, man. Why do they put the music? That was a little morose too.
SAL VULCANO: It was. It felt like—
THEO VON: Yeah, it felt like the beginning of Castlevania. Remember that game? Yeah, that’s the music. Yeah, it was like, come on, this guy’s talking on the one-two player screen.
SAL VULCANO: It’s like, yeah, yeah, in the beginning there’s like the guy with the whip.
THEO VON: That was a gay player, dude. That’s like when a gay guy kind of gets trapped like, in a f*ing— at a Halloween party in New Jersey, dude. That’s what Castlevania was, because it’s just this dude just running around with a whip.
SAL VULCANO: That wasn’t like the most popular clip. What happened was a lot of parenting, like accounts, like Instagram accounts, and they picked that up, and inspirational accounts. And it was a different clip, and that just went like so, so viral. And then because your show is like so big, like Us Weekly and— did they really? All those— People and all that stuff picked up. It’s like, “Sal’s secret wedding.” And it’s like, well, it wasn’t really a secret. I just didn’t like tell you guys I got married. It was like a secret wedding.
THEO VON: But that’s kind of hot though. It kind of makes it kind of hot for you and Francesca that it’s just like, oh, it’s a secret wedding. That had some allure to it. Oh, Impractical Jokers star Sal reveals he secretly got married and has a baby daughter. Bro, that makes you sound like a f*ing rapper. That’s crazy.
A New Baby Boy
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But dude, yeah, I have a boy now too.
THEO VON: No.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, the best, dude. It’s the best. Is he? Yeah, he’s so dope. Oh, he’s awesome, man.
THEO VON: What’s his name? Yes, bro! If it would have been any other name, I would not have been excited, dude. That’s so cool, man. Yeah, yeah. But did it feel like— I want to hear about him. Well, yeah, tell me what do you love about what’s— what it’s something that’s just like, you know, so cool.
SAL VULCANO: It’s like, so I went through everything with my daughter, and then like, she’s like 3 and a half now, he’s about 16 months, and it goes so fast. It’s so nice to get to do it over again, because those moments when they’re that young are so fleeting. They change, they’re growing so fast— it’s a new thing all the time, and it goes lightning fast. And you try the best you can to save her for it, but it goes so fast.
So then to just start from scratch again— the first time it’s all firsts for you and the kid, right? So it’s like you’re processing all this stuff. And then the second time you have like a foundation and an idea and you know what to look for already, so you can kind of experience it in a different way. You just experience it like a little bit more. You’re able to really absorb it because it’s not like you’re like a deer in the headlights or whatever. And it’s like you just— it’s just really nice to— those stages are the ones that, you know, parents are always like, “Oh, if I could have my kids back at that age again.” So it was like nice to get like a double dip in there.
That’s cool. And just watch them grow, like interact and watch their relationship together build. Like the kids, there’s nothing that— that’s the— when like sitting on the couch together, leaning on each other, just eating fruit, you know, like, and he’ll just crawl up on the couch and put his head on her shoulder while she’s just like eating something, and they just sit there like, and then you walk into the room and you see them just cuddling each other, whatever. Yeah, it’s like, come on, man, there’s like literally nothing close to this. Oh, that’s nothing. I get right in between them, you know, they get them, you know.
Yeah, but if the best thing I could do is just have my kids in my lap, just holding them, just watching, like just—
THEO VON: Yes, I know. It’s— I bet it’s almost like, as you almost— I bet you almost feels like you can’t even let them know how much you love them.
SAL VULCANO: It’s impossible. It’s impossible.
THEO VON: That’s kind of a crazy thing if you think about it, that there’s something inside of us, even just as humans, right, where you— I couldn’t even let you know how much I love you if I had— like, it’s impossible for me to—
SAL VULCANO: It’s impossible. I don’t know how to express it. Yeah.
THEO VON: And do you feel like that’s probably a feeling for most parents? It has to be.
SAL VULCANO: I think it’s an innate feeling, right?
The Power of Parental Love
THEO VON: So, I’m not trying to nurture, but I forget sometimes if I don’t share what I’m feeling. So that to me just shows us how powerful love must be — if we can’t even — if, as human beings, just as citizens in the world, we can’t even — if the love that you would have for your child, you can’t even express it.
SAL VULCANO: It can’t be expressed.
THEO VON: It can’t even be expressed.
SAL VULCANO: Nothing will do it justice. There’s no way that I actually encapsulated it.
THEO VON: It’s pretty powerful because other things you can express — a lot of other feelings like anger, hatred, affection. Look up some other feelings. Sorry, would you stop short of 3? You’re like happy, mad, what else? Confused, cranky. I mean, all these other things.
SAL VULCANO: This is so cool. I mean, I don’t want to cut you off. No, no, go on. But you get what I’m saying?
THEO VON: Isn’t it crazy that we can’t even — that love is such a powerful thing? It’s bigger than us even as humans because we’re not able to convey, you know what I’m saying? We can’t.
A Heart That Never Stops Melting
SAL VULCANO: And that is pinging in my heart at all times. You know when your heart melts? Sometimes just in the moment you see something or whatever, and your heart melts a little bit? So what this is like is that the melting feeling is instant. So just fully — it doesn’t stop. Walking around with a mop. Dude, it just doesn’t stop. It’s like continually melting the whole time. If they’re in the room with me, just something changes, you know. That’s it. It’s wild.
THEO VON: I remember you saying that, dude.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, it was just awesome to hear about. And it’s so cute to see them — like, you just had up those color-coded things. So my daughter, she goes to occupational therapy and she learns to process this stuff and her feelings. So they teach her this stuff, and she knows all these color-coded emotions.
So when she comes home and she’s having like a — because they’re going to have these — it’s inevitable for them, when they grow up, to have these tantrums. They have to work through all this. It’s not like you have a bad kid if they act out. They’re going to be crazy at 2 and 3 years old, right?
THEO VON: Because all these feelings are getting baked in. The first one they have is getting developed and they don’t know how to — it’s like the first time you get on a Lime scooter, you’re like, you don’t f, you’re just fing taking that bitch for a spin.
SAL VULCANO: That was like the first time I got on one. Yeah, I didn’t know what was going on.
But she’ll tell me, like, if she’s upset, she’ll be like, “Dad, I’m in the blue zone right now.” They call it the blue zone. She’s like, “Dad, I’m in the blue zone right now.” And I’m like, “You’re upset?” She’s like, “Yeah, I’m sad. I’m in the blue zone. I need to get to the green zone.” Like, this is how she speaks to me. I’m like, “Let’s do it. What do you need to get into that green zone? Let’s do it.” She’s dope, man. They’re like my little best friends.
THEO VON: Dude, that’s so cool. Also, for a kid just to be able to — instead of just having a feeling, have a thought about a feeling, right? Yeah. Well, it just adds so much more to you.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah. It’s unreal.
THEO VON: Really. You’re not just a victim of how you feel. There’s a little bit more like, okay, well, let me —
Raising Humans: The Most Important Job
SAL VULCANO: Critical. Like, they start thinking in a way that’s just not basic. Think about it — at the end of the day, when she goes to bed, we always discuss the day. So we talk about it, I’ll sing her a song, and in the song — it’s a song I made up myself. It just naturally came out, and then I started adding verses to it, and now I sing this whole song. The whole point of the song is, “I love you, I love you so much, you’ll never know how much I love you.” Like, that’s literally what it is.
But then we talk about the day, and I’ll say, “What were you most proud of today?” So she’s 3, but to get her thinking like that — not just “What’d you do today?” but “What were you the most proud of today?” — it positions her mind to think that way and build her confidence. This stuff, like, there’s so much parenting stuff and psychology, child psychology, all that. It’s fascinating.
It’s the most important job you’ll ever have, you know. It’s hard, but it’s really fun to raise a human being. It’s an honor, you know.
THEO VON: It’s a real honor, dude. That’s pretty cool to be able to think about it like that.
Keeping Family Private
THEO VON: What was it like after you kind of shared that your family was growing? I know you had said it’s not always everybody — you want to keep certain things that are just your own life, right?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah. I mean, I’m private. I was always private. So once you give it away — did it feel different? It felt like a weight lifted. It did.
THEO VON: It did. And has it been a positive thing, or just like, yeah — has it been okay? Does it feel — because trying to also protect everything all the time is also kind of a lot.
SAL VULCANO: It is — that took a lot. It took a lot to keep things to myself and not let things get out. And when I’m out in public with them, everyone has a camera now and everything is — you always got this little worry, like a scary little bird, because I want to — I won’t ever post my kids online. I want to shield them from that. But it was just about protecting them.
People would chill with it. And now that it’s out there, it’s like I can just freely talk about it. Feels good. Yeah, it feels good. I’m glad I did it. Yeah.
Parenting Scares
THEO VON: What was one of the tough experiences that you had with your first child? Was there like a time that — because the other day my buddy Kevin and his wife, I think maybe their kid ate a little bit of guacamole or something.
SAL VULCANO: And what happened? He’s allergic?
THEO VON: I think his ears like swelled up or whatever.
SAL VULCANO: Dude, that’s scary s*.
THEO VON: And they’re like, “S, he’s allergic to like Mexican s or whatever.”
SAL VULCANO: You never know, you never know.
THEO VON: But you don’t want to run your kid into the hospital and sound racist like, “Hey, I think he’s allergic to like Mexican —” Yeah, yeah, Mexican flavors. Mexican flavors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what I meant. Latte stuff. Yeah, yeah.
SAL VULCANO: I don’t think that anyone would take it as a slight against any Mexican people.
THEO VON: People are trying to look for an edge all the time.
SAL VULCANO: They are. And I think I would be sure to specify. Yeah, me too. I’d be like, “That’s the ingredients.” Yeah, they happen to be all Mexican cuisine, but I don’t know what that is.
THEO VON: Yeah, they happen to use it best. Yeah. And I think these have been bought from like maybe a Latin vendor. It could have been a Puerto Rican guy, who knows.
SAL VULCANO: That’s the craziest thing though, like when they — but yeah, so if they get hurt or something like that — so they ran him in.
THEO VON: Yeah, so they don’t know what’s going on. You’re like, “Max, he is just swollen up, he’s allergic to watching La Bamba or whatever.” I’m like, I don’t think that’s the problem. But anyway, what I’m saying is — sorry, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I say what I’m saying? What I’m saying is that it threw my buddy for a loop — it was crazy, you know. I saw him like, he was so freaked out, dude.
The Shankman Wedding Video
SAL VULCANO: I sometimes they’ll fall, like hit their mouth and start bleeding or something. You see, when you see blood on your kid, it’s like, oh, and you have to be like so chill. You have to dictate the tone so they don’t, you know, then they understand. Yeah, I mean, that’s the best way to do it, to keep them even-tempered. And they’re going to reflect your energy and they’re going to react the way you teach them to react to some stuff. So you always got to try and play it even-keeled and not make a big thing of stuff like that so that they’re able to handle situations themselves better, you know.
But it is nuts, dude. Like, one time I was trying to cut my son’s nails. You got to clip that. And kids, they don’t stay still. And dude, I clipped a little piece of the end of his finger, and he started just bleeding everywhere, dude. I almost— I didn’t know what I was going to do myself after that. And then one time he walked—
THEO VON: Van Gogh did to his brother. He did? Yeah, he clipped— I think he might have cut his ear off or something.
SAL VULCANO: Never mind. No, Van Gogh cut his own ear off, but I didn’t know he clipped anything on his mother. So maybe everyone in the family is missing something in there. Yeah, dude, did you know Pablo Picasso died like a couple of years ago? Did you see that clip?
THEO VON: Yeah, I did. Gary Vee—
Pablo Picasso and Gary Vee
SAL VULCANO: Gary Vee was with me this week. Was it Vee? Okay, I was talking with him. He’s the one who told me. Yeah, we were talking in the car actually. He’s like, “Dude, bring it up, let’s bring that clip up.” I mean, it was 50 years ago, but I thought Picasso was like from the ’80s. And he told me, we’re in the car, he’s like, “Do you know this?” And I was like, no. He’s like, “Dude, he was alive when we were born.”
THEO VON: Yeah, I think one of the part of it is, do you know that Picasso probably ate at Outback Steakhouse?
SAL VULCANO: Right, right, right, right. I never put that together. Yeah, yeah.
THEO VON: Oh yes, it’s Joe List. Sorry, sorry, my bad.
SAL VULCANO: You guys know this, Pablo Picasso, you know when he died? He died in 1973. 1973. Did you know that?
THEO VON: I thought he died in 1380.
SAL VULCANO: 1973, Picasso had a car.
THEO VON: Is that unbelievable?
SAL VULCANO: Pablo Picasso was driving around Spain in like a Honda Civic listening to Black Sabbath on the radio. That’s crazy. Ozzy Osbourne and Pablo Picasso were working at the same time.
THEO VON: He saw 6 Super Bowls. I thought he looked extra—
SAL VULCANO: Like, oh, this is the best. That’s good.
THEO VON: Yeah, dude, he’s so great. He was in a great movie that Louis made too, man. Yes, shout out Joe List. That movie was great. They did a good job. Such talented guys. That was a great bit.
Stu and Amy Shankman’s Wedding Video
SAL VULCANO: I got something. I want to try and find these people. Maybe saying it here can help me. I got a story for you. So this last night we talked about this, just came out, and it was a story that I forgot about. And I’m like, I’ll talk to Theo about it, maybe I could get— so in 1995 I was at the Salvation Army with my buddy Joe, and we found a VHS cassette, right? And it was like a home one, not like a movie you buy, like a blank. It had a label on it, and it said, “Amy and Stu Shankman’s wedding.”
And it was— I’m going to maybe get the exact date wrong, but it said like November 25th, 1985. It said “Stu and Amy Shankman’s wedding, November 25th, 1985.” That day that we picked it up was November 25th, 1995. So I found this blank cassette of these people’s wedding on their 10-year anniversary.
Now back then, if you had your wedding taped on VHS, that’s where it was. That was the copy. And this was handwritten. So it’s like, I think they accidentally got rid of it— like, they don’t have their wedding video, you know?
THEO VON: So Amy and Stu Shankman do not have their wedding video, right?
SAL VULCANO: And we picked it up on the exact— we were like, “Holy sh*t, 50 cents.” We bought it. We went home and watched their whole wedding, right? It’s amazing. It’s a wedding from 1985. It’s a Jewish wedding from 1985. The best man, this little short guy, yarmulke guy, he does his— in his best man speech, he raps. I swear to God. And at this point I’ve watched it—
THEO VON: Was it Beastie Boys?
SAL VULCANO: Dozens of times. No, he raps his own rap. And this is the part— this I’ll never— I know because I watched it. He’s like— so he’s jumping up and down and he’s like, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha, we’re going to party tonight, we’re going to jump up and down. It’s never going to end.” That was the rap. So it’s an amazing wedding, I swear to God, it’s an amazing wedding.
About maybe 5 years after that, I’m at my friend Joe’s, we’re in a gas station, he’s getting gas in his car, and he’s like, “Sal.” And I’m like, what? He goes, “Look at that car right there.” And there’s a car that’s like pulling out of the gas station. He’s like, “Look, look in the car, who do you think that is?” And I look and I go, “Is that fing Stu Shankman?” I don’t know this guy from a hole in the wall, right? He’s like, “I think it’s Stu Shankman.” So I’m like, oh sht. And he pulled out, and my friend had to finish paying for the gas, and we jumped in the car, peeled out, and tried to follow him. And we lost him.
THEO VON: So fast forward, hate losing people. I hate—
SAL VULCANO: Especially in a chase. Yeah. So I never gave— I have this wedding video. I still have it.
THEO VON: You have a piece of their life. You have a piece of one of the greatest moments of their life.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, right. So about 2 years ago, I’m like, we got to find these people, searching for Stu Shankman. And we got to see— I got to get them this video. So my friend found his brother or something on Facebook and confirmed— we were like, who knows if they’re dead, if they’re still together, what’s going on. So he reached out and told him we found their wedding video at a thrift store in 1995. Like, I’ve had their wedding video for 31 years. For 31 years I’ve had their wedding video. They’ve been married— this will be their 41st anniversary this year. The brother’s like, “They’re still alive and together.” I swear to God, he’s like, “This is insane. You gotta—” yes, so let’s broker this.
But I had the idea a couple years ago when I was developing a TV show, and so this was an idea for one episode of this TV show where to do things like this. And so that’s when we decided to reach out. Anyway, I didn’t finish developing the show and I kind of forgot about him. And I thought of it last night and I brought it up and I was like, oh sh*t. In this brother’s eyes, we contacted him. We’re like, “Yo, we have the wedding video and we want to get it to you.” And then we went radio silent again. He’s like, “Why do these people do this to me and my family?”
So I’m like, I got to remember. I got to find them and I want to get them the video. If anyone knows, I think they were originally from Staten Island. Stu and Amy Shankman, I have your wedding video for the last 31 years, and I want to give it to you. I did digitize a copy of it for myself because when I thought I was going to give it back, I was like, I won’t share it with anyone, but it’s also a piece of me now. So I have it.
Found Footage and Nigerian Scam Reenactments
THEO VON: Yeah, you got to search for the Shankmans, dude, because there’s something special about that. I know I used to know a guy named Alex Shankman. I knew a couple Shankmans.
SAL VULCANO: Oh, I know a Shankman too, actually.
THEO VON: There was an agent I knew. I think it was—
SAL VULCANO: I actually know a Shankman. I don’t think they’re related, but I think he’s like a choreographer.
THEO VON: Yeah, there’s some—
SAL VULCANO: There’s a lot of things out there. Is there a famous Shankman choreographer, especially in Hollywood?
THEO VON: Adam Shankman. Adam Shankman. I didn’t know Adam.
SAL VULCANO: I just realized for the first time I know a Shankman.
THEO VON: The Shankman. Yeah. Hey, you know a Shankman? Yeah, dude, that’s wild though.
SAL VULCANO: I hope I find him.
THEO VON: Well, I hope that you find him also. Stu and Amy, the guy’s been holding your love and the guy’s been watching you— one of the greatest moments of your life in his spare time on the L train or whatever. Yeah, dude, do you think there’s really something that could be a cool show out there to make or create? People say this sh*t all the time, but of like something about finding old things on VHS and then— yeah, like found footage.
Yeah, dude, I worked with this one comedian. There had been like one of those Nigerian scams that had happened to his grandmother and they’d taken a lot of her money, right? You know those things that email you? Yeah, the prince is trapped in a petting zoo in Nigeria or something, they won’t let me out or whatever. Sure, send the money. So to get him back, he started doing these things where he would send them videos of things, and he said, “If you do, I need you to do reenactments of this and then I’ll pay you for it.” But instead, he would just have them do the reenactment and then he would just post the video online, right?
But the best part was what he would send them was scenes from Seinfeld, right? So he would send like scenes from Seinfeld to some people in Africa, like in just a random village, and they would reenact the scenes.
SAL VULCANO: You got to be kidding me.
THEO VON: He had all these amazing video clips, dude.
SAL VULCANO: Oh my God, of an African village reenacting like “Master of My Domain.” Yes. Or the parking one.
THEO VON: Like, they had all these different ones that he was reading. It was pretty great, dude. And so eventually it healed him. He’s like, “Okay, at a certain point we’re kind of even, you know.” But dude, comedians can hold some grudges over the years. But yeah, I’ve always been a little bit of a collector. You find something, you save it. You’re like, ah, maybe I’m so—
The Marble Notebook
SAL VULCANO: You told me one time— I, in hindsight now I realized you were probably joking, but you were like, “Yeah, I have a marble notebook with the name of every person I’ve ever slept with in it.”
THEO VON: Oh damn, really? You said that? Yeah.
SAL VULCANO: And I’m like, get out of here. And you—
THEO VON: I’m like, you know, a marble notebook?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, you said you had a notebook. I remember in my head I projected it was like a Mead, you know, like a school notebook. But you were like, “Yeah, it’s— and I’ve written it down my whole life.” And I’m like, you got to be fing kidding me. And you’re like, “No, I know the exact number of people I’ve slept with.” Really? Yeah, yeah. So you were fing with me, I’m sure.
THEO VON: But I was always kind of a documenter of things. The number—
SAL VULCANO: And I remember the number you said. I do. Yeah, because it’s really funny.
The Number Game & Corner Men
THEO VON: Okay, it’s really funny. This is the only part I can’t believe that I would say something like this, but I want to hear it. You want to know what you told me?
SAL VULCANO: I said— you said, “I have every single name, I never missed a name.” And I was like, you know the exact number? He said, “Yeah, like how many?” He said, “About 1,050.” Really? Yeah. And then you’re like, “I’m not good at it,” but it was 1,050, which is like— and I was hysterical laughing. That’s insane. I was like, no one is— I mean, it’s like Wilt Chamberlain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
THEO VON: That’s insane, dude. Yeah. I don’t even know if it was me, but I believe that I could have said this. You told me this. Oh, I did? Good. Yeah, good. Oh shit. I’m glad that at least I was—
SAL VULCANO: You don’t have— I mean, your real number is not anywhere close to that. That’s crazy.
THEO VON: Oh dude, yeah. I mean, yeah, I’ve always like—
SAL VULCANO: 1,050 is— but it’s the perfect feeling.
THEO VON: It’s really the perfect number to say too, because it’s like to go over a thousand, it’s great. Yeah, 1,008. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. I remember when I was growing up, they had this kid, his brother had slept with like 12 women or something. People were fing losing their minds in our town. Yeah, because we’re cutting down trees and fing tickling people they shouldn’t touch and shit like that. Shit like that will affect you.
SAL VULCANO: Oh dude, when you have like a— when you’re of an age where no one’s got that kind of number yet, or maybe everyone’s a virgin.
THEO VON: Oh yeah.
SAL VULCANO: And then one kid’s like, “I’ve slept with 12 people.” You’re just like, “I gotta know all about it.”
THEO VON: Here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Warren, I— yeah, I’m just— yeah, there’s nothing. Yeah, then my life means nothing. I’m working at Baskin-Robbins or whatever and some guy slept with 12 people. 12 people should be in Hades, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that shit was hectic, dude.
Dude, I was the worst at sex. Let me see, let’s look at a high activity lifestyle. For a person averaging one new partner per week, it would take approximately 20 years to reach 1,050 partners. So yeah, I lied. I lied, bro. Dude, there was some years where I wouldn’t even get involved in any sex.
SAL VULCANO: I was so f*ing bad at it. You were bad at it. So you’ve come a long way.
THEO VON: I’ve come a long way, dude. Yeah. Yeah.
SAL VULCANO: I think, well, for one, are you a generous lover? Yeah. No, no. Okay. I’m not, dude.
Intimacy, Recovery, and the Corner Man
THEO VON: I’m like that for me. I realized this the other day. I’m in a recovery meeting for everything. So I was in one the other day and people talk about this kind of stuff a lot — intimacy disorders, shit like that. Right? Like I’m out here, I’m basically like a crash test dummy. That’s what I realized. Like other people are living a life and I am basically a crash test on me out here.
SAL VULCANO: Why do you feel that way?
THEO VON: Just because it’s like, I feel like I’m never going to figure out some of these parts, and I’m just going to be almost this like experiment that kind of happens, you know? And you’re right, like, I realized I thought of loving— it was like an altercation you get in. It has the same energy of like a session, like an intimate session. Yeah, an intimate session has like a sexual session, has like a little bit of a battle. Yeah, it’s a fight. Not like physically like it’s a fight, right? But just like the same amount of nervous that’s in a fight.
SAL VULCANO: Sure, sure, sure.
THEO VON: That’s the energy that I take into like a sexual— right, right. So like, if you see me, if we’re working up and I just keep kind of ducking or dodging, or if I duck off into the corner and have some guy I barely know rub Neosporin on my cheeks or whatever and put a thing of ice on the back of my neck or whatever—
SAL VULCANO: You have a corner man.
THEO VON: Yeah, just know I’m doing the best that I can.
SAL VULCANO: Just plugging your nose up.
THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some guy’s f*ing putting a cotton swab up my nose. But do you? I just— I always— I had so much nervous energy around women, bro. Yeah. So that was crazy, dude.
SAL VULCANO: I love when they do like in a UFC fight or like a boxing match, whatever, when they cut to the corner, right? And you hear everything that the corner guys say and the trainer say. It’s always like wildly inappropriate. Yeah. Like, “F this motherfer, bro. You’re going to f him up, man.” And then you’re like, you’re home watching a fight and it’s like, you just don’t expect to hear like, “This guy’s a motherfing bitch, bro.”
THEO VON: Yeah, you know his mother passed away 2 months ago, huh?
SAL VULCANO: I was like, oh shit. Yeah, like, yeah, you’re learning shit.
THEO VON: You’re like, “Damn, you know his cousin has asthma, hit this little pussy.”
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, like they said, he’ll be like, “Don’t be a f*ing pussy.” But I’m like, whoa, I know, real in the corner, it gets real.
THEO VON: But it really just sounds like that’s what makes anybody think they could be a corner man. Also some of those behaviors. Yeah, yeah, I could say that because it— yeah, it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of real instruction coming over there.
SAL VULCANO: So yeah, sometimes you hear someone give really good pointers and then you go to the other corner and they’re just like, “All right bro,” and you’re like, “What is this guy doing?”
THEO VON: Yeah, they’re saying nothing.
SAL VULCANO: They’re saying nothing to the guy.
THEO VON: I know. Yeah, that is pretty wild, dude. But yes, oh, and I miss, bro, some of that shit. I was like, you know those fainting goats? Shit gets going too much and they just go over.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that’s me. Yeah, you hit like a thing.
THEO VON: Oh yeah, I hit like about 30 volts or whatever. Yeah, yeah.
Goats, Sheep, and Laughing at Your Own Jokes
SAL VULCANO: Yo, what is a— what sound does a goat make?
THEO VON: Let me try it. They ain’t have the sheep though.
SAL VULCANO: Does a goat and a sheep make the same noise?
THEO VON: I think goats are more curious, so I think it’s more like— no, let me try it. Really? No, that’s more like a, uh—
SAL VULCANO: But what does the sheep do then? So it’s the same thing.
THEO VON: No, sheep— that goat’s— sheep’s baa. Oh yeah, sheep’s baa.
SAL VULCANO: But then a goat is baa. Am I crazy? I don’t know this. I don’t know the difference. Is it sheep? Sheep’s not a goat.
THEO VON: A gay goat’s just like baa girl. That stupid street joke.
SAL VULCANO: What does a gay horse eat? Hay. It’s so stupid, dude.
THEO VON: Some jokes like that, they were the best, bro. Getting to laugh is the best, man. That’s the best thing, bro. Getting to laugh. One thing I will say, bro, about certain moments of life, like, I’ve just been grateful that God has put me around people that are just making me laugh.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, our friends are the funniest people in the world. It’s crazy. It’s crazy. It really is.
Yo, so I struggle on stage. Sometimes I think about this, like I really in the moment on stage when I’m on stage and I like to laugh. And so like, I laugh throughout my set a lot. Then sometimes I’m like, I don’t want to laugh. Like, I don’t want it to be like I’m laughing at my own stuff, but I really am in the moment having a good time. But I’m like, I don’t want that to come across as a crutch. So sometimes I’ll be like, “All right, today, consciously, when you do this hour, do not laugh. Do not laugh.” And just see how it plays differently.
Do you, are you in the moment when you’re on stage? Will you laugh and just have fun in the moment? Or are you like, kind of keep it like this persona? Because when you tell your stories and stuff, you have a certain energy and vibe the way you do it.
THEO VON: Yeah.
SAL VULCANO: But do you ever just get like— do you think about that on stage? So you consciously won’t laugh, or will you just laugh?
Laughing on Stage
THEO VON: I’d like to laugh more. I used to think, especially when I was coming up in comedy, you hear about all these things that are kind of crutches. Some people write their notes, like, “Well, that’s a crutch.” And it’s like, well, that’s a crutch. Well, also, how about this? Somebody’s getting up in front of you and trying to make a room full of people laugh, right? I don’t care if they’re on crutches, 8 crutches. I don’t care if there’s one person in 2 wheelchairs, right? If there’s things that help them, I think it’s okay. Yeah, well, I don’t want to be—
SAL VULCANO: I’m not doing it as a crutch. What I’m saying is, like, I naturally laugh. And so I have to fight my natural instinct.
THEO VON: Don’t ever fight your laugh, dude. Your laugh is one that warms people. It’s like, it’s extra you, you know? And so that, I think, is a gift. And I think some of these people, they’ve gotten to know some of us in our lives, and they may feel happy that we’re in a room laughing, you know? Just like they are, you know?
Yeah, dude, I’m having a good time. I say laugh, dude. I notice if— and I’ll even be conscious of it sometimes, like, “Oh, this set’s not going that great in the beginning.” And sometimes I’d be like, “Dude, it’s because you’re not having fun.” Yes. So let myself have fun. Yes. And let me be the person that’s saying the jokes.
Really, sometimes I’ll try to almost transpose myself and pretend like I’m just sitting there laughing at the jokes, right? And then just almost like, I don’t know, because the person I always wanted— I wanted to be the person sitting there laughing. But to me, I’ve always had like, sometimes there’s like a chip on my shoulder, some type of shit, right? No, this, that, that, you know. Yeah. And so I was always like, you know, or being judgmental, whatever. So you end up on the other end of the thing. I’m going to be the guy who’s being a part of making the laughter, right? But either way, I’m happy to be involved in the laughter. And I think it’s okay if you laugh with a crutch, or some people say it’s a crutch. I don’t— I find it, especially as I get older, f*, if I get a chance to laugh.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, but I think that’s what I’m saying.
THEO VON: Sorry, that was a lot of shit to say.
SAL VULCANO: No, I think just making the distinction of like, I’m on stage having a good time, like not with intent.
THEO VON: Like some people will laugh— 1,050 is crazy. That’s crazy. Yeah. That’s a crazy thing to say.
SAL VULCANO: I thought about it ever since you told me. Did you really? Yeah, I have. I retained the knowledge, bro.
THEO VON: Would you know how scary it would be if one woman came over to my house every week to hook up? That would f*ing make me so paranoid.
SAL VULCANO: It sounded crazy to me when you said it, bro.
THEO VON: If I knew that every week some gal was coming over for sex, dude, I would f*ing have to keep moving.
SAL VULCANO: It’s off-putting.
THEO VON: Yes, you’re like, “Oh my, it’s too much, it’s too much.” The schedule’s too insane.
SAL VULCANO: It’s too much, man. Yeah, that’s a lot hanging over your head, man. Every week.
Fish, Pets, and Farrier Talk
THEO VON: I get anxiety thinking about that and hearing them peel off in disappointment too, hearing the gravel. They leave in a hurry. Yeah, and you don’t even have gravel. They’re so pissed they went and bought gravel and put it under their tires.
SAL VULCANO: I love that. Every time someone leaves your house, they have to say, peel out of here.
THEO VON: Yeah, dude, bro, my f*ing uncle, he was supposed to get gravel and he accidentally got a bunch of like fish, whatever that stuff that goes to the bottom of the pellets. Yeah, fish cake, fish, fish food. Yeah, no, like the fish koi. Yeah, no, shit that goes in a fish— oh, oh, the fish gravel, fish tank gravel.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, he got fish tank gravel, dude.
THEO VON: And his wife was so pissed, but it was irreturnable, bro. And dude, they fought about that shit. But hearing people fight over— yeah, and your fing fish gravel. “You and your fing fish gravel, James.” Yeah, just hearing shit like— hearing terms like that. “You and your shitty little fish gravel.”
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, fighting over gravel. Yeah, just gravel.
THEO VON: Hearing any people fight over gravel level, just, God, that’s the kind of shit that keeps me going.
Sal’s Seven-Year Fish
SAL VULCANO: I had a fish. My niece, you know when they have like the fair at school?
THEO VON: Yeah, like the festival, and they give you those fish that are about to die, they give them to children.
SAL VULCANO: That’s messed up. Yeah, you throw like a ping pong ball in a cup and then they send the kid home with a bag of fish and like these fish are just dying. And so my niece brought home a fish and I knew this shit was going to die because when I did it when I was a kid, I could never keep a fish alive because I didn’t have a setup. I’d come home, put the fish in a bowl. And then not really understand it needs a filter and it needs to be aerated, and then the fish would eventually die. I’d feed it like bread, and then it would die.
One time I brought a fish home and I don’t know if I’ve ever told the story, but I brought a fish home from school and I knew that the previous fish had died, and I thought it— because they didn’t have bubbles, which in my head I was like, it needs bubbles. I didn’t think it needed like air, right? It needs bubbles. So I got home, my mom wasn’t home yet, so I put a big salad bowl, I put the fish in it, and I got a straw. I was going to tell my mom, “We have to go to the thing to buy the, you know, this fish store to buy the stuff so this fish survives.” But I needed to bridge the gap till she got home, so I took a straw and for like 3 hours I blew into the bowl. But I was blowing carbon dioxide into the bowl and I killed the fish immediately. So the fish died within hours because I was just hitting it with CO2 out of my mouth.
So my niece brought this fish home years later. I’m like, I’m not going to let this happen again. I went and got the setup, and I ended up having this fish for 7 years. And then I moved, fish came with me, and then one day the fish was dead. Out of nowhere though, it died out of nowhere. No reason? I just cleaned the tank, it was a very healthy fish, and I think there was foul play. I really do think so. Because I tested the pH balance, I would do all that shit. And then after I cleaned it, I had people over, and then it was dead. I think someone poured something in the tank.
Then I didn’t want to flush the fish because I had a 7-year relationship with the fish. And so I didn’t want to flush it. I was going to bury it. I might have told this, but I was going to bury it, but I didn’t want to bury it in the yard because it’s summer and I didn’t want it to decompose and smell. So I wrapped it in tin foil, I put it in my freezer. That’s closing in on 15 to 20 years ago, and I never got rid of the fish. It’s still with me. I have a frozen goldfish in my freezer for over 15 years. That fish is still in my freezer right now, and I moved 3 times and I took it with me. What? Yes, I had to put them on ice and moving is hard on everyone.
THEO VON: It is hard.
SAL VULCANO: I have the fish. Oh my God, I have a dead fish for over 15 years in my freezer right now.
THEO VON: You know it’s in your freezer?
SAL VULCANO: I know exactly where it is in my freezer. It’s beautiful.
THEO VON: It is, man.
SAL VULCANO: I took it out on Hey Babe one time. I took it out for the first time. I never unwrapped it in all 15 years. And we opened it on Hey Babe, and it was tough. It was a goldfish, but it had lost a lot of its gold. It was like a pale gold, and the eyes were kind of gone. I guess over time, I guess in the freezer, God takes the gold back or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what—
THEO VON: There you are right there. That’s COVID, you could tell, right? Yeah, very rabbinical right there as well, dude. Oh my God, bro, it definitely has like a Michael Jackson tint to it. It’s crazy. Did you see it? Yeah, I can see just a little bit of it there. Show me that. Oh, dude, you know— oh my God, wow.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, a poor fish. Oh, it’s cool.
THEO VON: What was its name?
SAL VULCANO: I didn’t name it, because that was another thing. Every fish I had prior that I named died. So I called him Fish for 7 years.
THEO VON: I like that. Yeah. I at least like the fact you took on a new strategy to keep him alive.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah. I was trying everything I could. And we had 7 nice years. He used to eat out of my hand.
THEO VON: Nuh-uh.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah. I don’t know if it was really because we had a bond. I think they would just do that anyway. But I like to think it was because we got close. And how do you do it?
THEO VON: You put your hand in there?
SAL VULCANO: I put my hand right in. I hold the flake and put it in. And it would just come out.
THEO VON: You’re lying.
SAL VULCANO: No, no. I swear. It’s really not that big a deal, I don’t think.
THEO VON: I think it is. It’s like a drive-through for— I feel like it’s like going to the drive—
SAL VULCANO: It felt like a trick. It felt like I had a, you know how they got like a flea circus or something? Yeah. It felt like I had a fish that did tricks.
The Acro Cats and Tuna the Star Cat
THEO VON: Well, dude, we had the Acro Cats lady. She came on here once. What is that? This lady, she’d been traveling on the Acro Cats like 20 years or something, and she used to drive the tour bus that the cats were in. A tour bus? Yes, that the cats— and I’m paraphrasing a little bit here, but one of the toughest shows that she had, one of the tough experiences— she’s on the road somewhere, somebody had left the window open, maybe from smoking or a cigarette or something, and Tuna, the lead cat, gets out.
SAL VULCANO: No way.
THEO VON: Yeah. And she lost the cat? Couldn’t find it.
SAL VULCANO: No way.
THEO VON: And the show must go on. She had like 3 hours before, so there’s another cat. Tuna’s understudy.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, Tuna’s understudy or whatever.
THEO VON: I don’t even remember. Chicken salad. Yeah, it was just like Tilapia or something was the understudy. Yo, that’s crazy.
SAL VULCANO: He’s got to come in and he’s always, you know, he’s Italian.
THEO VON: So he’s got to come in doing his tilapia shit.
SAL VULCANO: His big break. Like Tuna. Yeah, dude. They might have taken Tuna out. She thinks Tuna got away, but there might have been foul play there. That’s crazy too, because Tuna was a star. And once he leaves and he goes into the open road like that, everyone he passes has no idea who he is. And that’s a star cat amongst you.
THEO VON: It’s almost like a story from the Bible when they didn’t know who Jesus was. Yeah. That’s pretty cool, dude. That is amazing, bro. Yeah, I wonder what his clout is like out in the wilderness though. And other animals like, “Oh shit, that’s Tuna.” That’s Tuna.
SAL VULCANO: Damn, that’s Tuna working out on the street.
THEO VON: Like, dang, bro, Tuna out here, bro. Tuna out here, bro. Damn, he real like that. He in the trenches.
SAL VULCANO: Like, Tuna outside, Tuna got out. But dude, Tuna is not about that life anymore.
THEO VON: Tuna is not. Yeah, yeah, bro, Tuna changed.
Pets, Horses, and Farriers
SAL VULCANO: What was the last pet you had? You have a pet now? No, you can’t have a pet now. You’re on the road too much, right?
THEO VON: Yeah, I’ve never— I plan to get a dog. And this has been a slow feeling for me, but I plan to get a dog and maybe a cat if I can get a wife. And not if— one day I’ll get a wife and I’m going to have a family. But I would like to get a dog and cat, and it doesn’t all have to happen together or whatever. But I think if I don’t get married or something, then maybe I’ll get a dog and cat and maybe something else. I wouldn’t mind getting a couple horses probably.
SAL VULCANO: Oh wow, you ride horses?
THEO VON: I wouldn’t ride them, but I would go over by them.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, you’d go next to them, talk to them.
THEO VON: Yeah, brush them, clean them.
SAL VULCANO: Let me ask you a question. If I see a horse that’s not in the wild, it’s got on horseshoes? Every horse in captivity has on horseshoes?
THEO VON: That’s a good question. Or is it just like parade horses and horses that are like going out on the town or whatever? I’m not sure. Look it up. That’s a great question. This guy I know, Mr. Mike, is a farrier. And what is a farrier? A farrier is the guy that comes in and puts the shoes on the horses.
SAL VULCANO: Oh really?
THEO VON: Yeah, that’s called a farrier. Trims the toenails and everything. I got stuck on farrier talk for a while, and dude, half my feed was farriers.
SAL VULCANO: No way. Oh, I didn’t know that’s what they were called. I thought they were like cobblers or something.
THEO VON: No, no, no. I think cobblers is for shoeing humans and farriers is for shoeing— I don’t know if it’s just for animals. No, not all horses need shoes. Whether a horse requires shoes depends on factors like workload, hoof health, genetics, and terrain.
SAL VULCANO: I could see how hoof health would be a factor. I mean, you got a pair of weak hooves, you need protection.
THEO VON: Oh dude, if my feet are real tender, I want them bitches on.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, also you want that clippity-clop, you know? I don’t think you get a clippity-clop without the shoe, dude.
THEO VON: You telling me a kind of thick— they’re like tap dancing. A thick horse from Atlanta ain’t f*ing pulling up with that clippity-clop type shit.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah. What about those really— what are the Coca-Cola horses like at Christmas?
THEO VON: Clydesdale.
SAL VULCANO: Clydesdales. Yeah, that’s a clippity-clop right there.
THEO VON: That horse, you’re like, dude, when that horse shows up, bro, people— some people salute it. I would salute it.
SAL VULCANO: You’re like, yeah, that’s in—
THEO VON: That’s interesting to have that between man and— you have confidence in your salute.
Horses, Salutes, and Space
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, I did a show for the Naval Academy recently, and they asked me to take a picture of the salute. And you see salutes in like movies and really in life, but like, I feel like there’s a way they do it that like it looks like it’s just— you just do this, but I don’t know if this is right. Like some of them do that, or like, is there a proper way to salute? Like, are we saluting the right way right now, or is it like— I got nervous because I was like, I don’t want to insult these people and salute the wrong way. Like, do you tuck your finger in? Like, what are you doing with the salute?
THEO VON: That’s a good question.
SAL VULCANO: And they do it like, when someone—
THEO VON: Those guys like, whoosh, like it’s like super like locked in.
SAL VULCANO: Like the Koreans do that really, like, you know, they do. Yeah. Position of attention.
THEO VON: So my hands are to my side, arms are straight down. When I raise my hand to salute, it’s going to be flat. Hand’s not like— thumb’s not tucked underneath my hand, like kind of stuff. So we’re raising it up, and then because I’m wearing headgear, my index finger is going to come to the edge of my headgear. Arm is at a 45-degree angle, hands slightly canted down, not facing up, not facing down. No, just like this. I get my greeting and then I drop my salute.
Now that is how it’s like for wearing headgear. If I was wearing something like maybe no headgear or maybe the beret, but because I have glasses, then it has to come up to the edge of my glasses. If I was wearing the beret or maybe no headgear, there’s a lot of— I also don’t wear glasses, then it comes to the edge of my eyebrows. So it depends. He’s like, if you’re wearing braces, if you were, you know, if you’re—
SAL VULCANO: He’s like, if you have a scrunchie in or whatever. The scrunchie one’s the best because you put it in the bag, you’re like, hey, you’re like, hey, yeah. I was self-conscious. I’ve always been self-conscious about my salute. You ever ride a horse bareback? That’s probably fun. That takes skill right there. Somebody around—
THEO VON: Somebody got a horse somehow by us one time, and we got on that bitch. Yeah, and we did pretty good. We didn’t do good bareback though. Yeah, bareback. We tried to get a saddle or something. Somebody put like a thing on like that. Nobody had a saddle. We shouldn’t have had this horse.
They had a corner, like a fair that was near us, and I think one had kind of gotten away from the fair. Somebody brought it down there. Yeah, being down there drinking with like the carnies and stuff the night before. And so they kept it by this dude Mr. Ernie’s house, and we went over there and we were all getting on and shit. It was pretty friendly, but I think in hindsight it could have been really dangerous.
SAL VULCANO: I almost died on a horse. You did? Yeah, on a class trip in like 8th grade, they put me on a horse that started like full rodeoing.
THEO VON: Who put you on a horse?
SAL VULCANO: The dude ranch that we went to for the trip. They put me on a horse, and this horse— I’m in 7th, 8th grade. I have no horse experience whatsoever. Whatsoever. I get on the horse, the horse is bucking, jumping up and down, kicking and bucking. Yeah. And I’m looking around like everyone’s there. All the other students are on horses that are just sitting, right? Like just chilling. And then the cowboys are there and they didn’t even react quickly. Like they were like— I was like looking at them and they were looking at me. It was basically like when the rodeo thing opens and the horse is like, oh yeah, that’s what this f*ing horse is doing.
THEO VON: A lot of horses don’t— but they don’t prefer Italians, I’ll say that. Yeah, and it’s, you know, whatever, no judgment.
SAL VULCANO: A lot of children are allergic to Mexican stuff.
THEO VON: Yeah, but yeah, like avocados.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, no, but I remember it wasn’t like, you know, like the rodeo rodeo, but it was enough for like an 8th grader to be terrified. And I’m like looking at these guys like, is anyone going to step in at all? And the guy was just like— and I remember being like, “Help!” I finally just said help. And then the guy was like, “All right, just calm down.” I’m like, this is how you treat a 12-year-old? You can tell me to calm down? I’m just— I’m going to be thrown from this horse.
And then they got me off that horse and they gave me the most senior citizen horse they had. Like, the back was like slumped inward. Yeah. And then I got on that horse, the horse walked up to a tree and started eating the leaves and then wouldn’t— didn’t leave. And like, everyone went on the trail and that horse wouldn’t leave the tree and just ate the— yeah, I just stood there on the horse.
THEO VON: Like, yours was like rosemary or something.
SAL VULCANO: It was like, yeah, a glue stick.
THEO VON: Yours had a brooch on.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, but I would never get on a horse bareback.
Fish Funerals and Space Missions
THEO VON: Dang, dude, that’s wild, bro. Yeah, horses, I think they’re probably the most— they’re the best animal that we have until we come out with a new animal, like until they catch a dragon or make something. And we did have a neighbor, my friend William had a fish, and I remember when it died and they went and buried it at the Long John Silver’s in like the flower bed outside of there.
SAL VULCANO: I remember. Well, that’s an interesting choice.
THEO VON: That restaurant?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, of course, but it’s a seafood restaurant. Yeah, yeah. So I mean, like, it’s a little bit— we—
THEO VON: Like, it was like the closest thing I think people thought, like—
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, it was nice that they had the flower bed.
THEO VON: Yeah, like bringing back with this community, like just outside of the parking medians, they had a little bit of like, yeah, kind of semi-designed foliage right there.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, that’s always nice, a little extra touch.
THEO VON: But I remember his dad took us over there and we put that— then we put it there and did like a prayer or something. I think we might have saluted too.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, salute that fish.
THEO VON: We don’t even know, dude. Yeah, you had to salute that thing, you know. Shout out LJS, bro.
SAL VULCANO: I feel like horses are like, they’re on a lot of like romance novel covers. Like bareback, bareback horse riding is exotic. I feel like it’s also mythological.
THEO VON: I think the things that will happen to your body— you want to talk about checking yourself for testicular cancer, but like a nude woman on a horse bareback, that’s very exotic. Right? Yeah, because I think you think of the stallion and like, “I’m going to be the stallion, I’m going to sleep with 1,050 women.”
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, yeah, I would take notice if a woman rode by like petrópolis on the bareback on a horse. I would probably pay attention. I would probably follow the part because it’s very interesting. Yeah, I wouldn’t just like let that go by. I would be like, “I’m going to find out where this is going to end up.”
THEO VON: I’d want to see what would happen. Dude, did you see— speaking of mythological things, did you see that Artemis space shuttle went to the moon? Do you think that really happened or not? Let’s take a gander at it.
SAL VULCANO: I think it happened. It’s— I mean, because people are very weary now.
THEO VON: Well, first let me start. Do you think the first moon landing happened? I do, because bring up the shuttle, bring up a picture of the shuttle. I’m sure you’ve looked at the shuttle and been like, yeah.
SAL VULCANO: But I also like when you look at these things and sometimes like, ah, maybe I could be convinced otherwise, you know what I mean? Like, it’s crazy that we haven’t gone back. We went there now and just— didn’t we just drive around it? We didn’t get off, right?
THEO VON: Yeah, they just went for like a look-see or whatever.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that’s why I would never ever ever, no matter what you could do, say, you could— I would never go into space. Never.
THEO VON: Which one of the Jokers do you think would go into space if they had to go? Probably Murphy.
SAL VULCANO: I don’t think he has— I don’t think he really— yeah, just say he’s crazy like that. He’s got it. Yeah, he’d go up there. I wouldn’t, but I think that he’s always looking for something new.
THEO VON: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
SAL VULCANO: Imagine what they must have felt like. I just saw that movie, that new Ryan Gosling movie. Like, is it— he goes into space?
THEO VON: Well, all they do is take beautiful men and put them out in space, dude. Yeah, a lot of these movies, it’s Matt Damon, it’s Ryan Gosling, it’s Steven Tyler. They just take these good-looking guys and they—
SAL VULCANO: Or what’s his name?
THEO VON: Well, right, all right. Oh yeah, McConaughey went to space. Interstellar, right? That’s when you know Hollywood’s like, “This guy’s good-looking enough, we’ll take him and show him off to the other planets,” you know?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, I can’t even imagine.
THEO VON: Try to pick up a new market, you know?
SAL VULCANO: Go out— I mean, I would be— but look at that— terrified, bro.
THEO VON: Yeah, I’d be terrified too, dude, if I went to space in a lifeguard tower from Santa Monica Beach. That’s it?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that looks—
THEO VON: Yeah, look at it. Can you zoom on it?
SAL VULCANO: It looks like a toy, like a Transformer or something, bro. Yeah, that doesn’t— that doesn’t look like it. I don’t have confidence in that.
THEO VON: Come on, dude, that’s not even a f*ing food truck, bro.
SAL VULCANO: That looks flimsy, bro. Those little like legs and stuff, like how do you get up there and be like, man, I would feel like the existential threat of the universe on my shoulders.
THEO VON: Like, dude, they didn’t even put horseshoes on it, dude. That thing is— look at the legs of it.
The Challenger and the Moon
SAL VULCANO: Can you imagine being up there alone? And no, see, this is the thing too, like, they went up there, they did a couple of loop-de-loops, but then that doesn’t necessarily mean, like, coming back is hard. Yeah, it’s risky coming back. So, like, you’re signing up— I’m sorry, like, none of those people can say with certain certainty that they— like, I wonder what the odds were that it could go south. Yeah, like, I bet you it wasn’t like 99%. Like, I bet you it was like, all right, it’s like 70/30. Like, you might explode on the way home, right?
That’s crazy, dude. Can you imagine coming home and seeing Earth and you’re like, “All right,” and then it goes— dude, when I was a kid, we watched the Challenger live. No, at school, you know, we all watched it and we watched it live and it f*ing blew up. And it was like, the teacher, everyone just started crying. I was like, we were like, what? We were trying to wrap our head around. I was like third grade or something, trying to wrap my head around the fact that like there was a school teacher in there and they just blew up. Remember this on live television? Yeah.
THEO VON: That’s wild. There was a pet. Wasn’t there also a puppy in there? Was there? I thought that they sent a puppy in there. Well, I can’t believe that we even did this right now. To me, it just feels like, it’s funny. We can’t send help into Gaza, but we can send the Artemis II to go circle around the moon. Like, that to me is like—
SAL VULCANO: What did we— what was the purpose of the mission? Do you know?
THEO VON: It’s a great question.
SAL VULCANO: Let’s look it up. It wasn’t just like—
THEO VON: And I’m sorry, there was no live animal on the space shuttle Challenger during the final flight in 1986.
Space Travel, the Moon, and Conspiracy Theories
SAL VULCANO: God bless those people and their families. Yeah, holy shit.
THEO VON: I know, man. Can you imagine? Let’s have a moment of that. Let’s see. Can you imagine that? Like, we’re sending— like, because you could, you could probably get in. Like, let me be honest with you, if they pick some people to go to space right now, right? Yeah. And Mur gets sick or whatever, something happened to him, he gets in a loss.
SAL VULCANO: I wouldn’t even go like out of this little— just right above the atmosphere, I wouldn’t even do that. I wouldn’t do that. Katy Perry went to space. Yeah, did she? I don’t know. I read yesterday she went to space.
THEO VON: People said that they went to space, but that shit was so— it was very light. Yeah, that was very sketchy. Like waving at people, there was like friends coming up to the edge. It was like, “This isn’t space.” Would you go? Would you go? I don’t know. We’re f*ing this planet up so much, we don’t need to be exporting whatever we’re doing.
SAL VULCANO: I don’t believe we belong on a rocket. Yes, right now. I’m still getting used to flying in planes.
THEO VON: Do you know what I do think, though? Oh, this is a good question. Let’s answer this for people. The Artemis missions are NASA’s current program to return humans to the moon and use it as a stepping stone for future trips to Mars.
SAL VULCANO: We’re not going to inhabit another planet. We’re not going to. You can’t. But so why are we going up there? I guess we’re— but that’s—
THEO VON: I don’t like that shit when somebody’s like, “Hey, I want to come visit you,” but really they’re just staying overnight so they can go visit somebody else further away. I don’t like somebody—
SAL VULCANO: I’ve never thought about that.
THEO VON: Well, that’s what we’re doing. It says carry out the Moon to Mars strategy, land astronauts on the moon. We’re basically using the moon for a place to relax for a little while, establish a sustainable long-term human presence on Moon rather than just short-term flags and footprints visit like the Apollo.
Dog, some of this shit— “Flags and Footprints” also was the name of the all-male dance team at Covington High School when I was there.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that’s pretty good.
THEO VON: They would say, “Champs!” Yeah, yeah. Who’s going to go?
SAL VULCANO: How do you— Okay, let’s say, let’s say we get to the point, right?
THEO VON: We get to the point— I interrupt you.
Inhabiting the Moon
SAL VULCANO: No, no, no, I’m going to say, let’s say we get to the point where people are ready to move up there. It’s like, okay, how many— who’s going up there first with what? Like, what are you going up there with, some 2x4s? Like, you got to build a brick and mortar— like, you got to build a house, you got to have some type of currency, you got to have like a bank, a restaurant.
Like, who’s going up there building that stuff? Like, you need enough people. I don’t understand. How many people do you need to inhabit the moon at the exact same time to make it a thing where people live there and go about their daily lives there? Like, what’s it going to be like? Or is it just going to be like prehistoric at first? You like signing up to go up there and live in a tent and just live off the land and have no entertainment?
THEO VON: Like, you mean like that thing they do in the desert every year?
SAL VULCANO: What is it, like Burning Man? Like Burning Man? Yeah, it’s like, how do you properly inhabit— you know, brother, this is for the elites. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is for the elites.
THEO VON: They’re not bringing a couple giggle monkeys like us up there. This is for the elites. I think this is like they’re planning to do like— like they can’t do an Epstein’s Island anymore. I think they’re looking for like Epstein’s Orb, you know. We’re going to find a place where we can really be nasty out here.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, it’s like maritime law out there.
THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s like international water, international air. So I think that— I don’t know, there is a big part of me, dude, that— there’s a big part of me that questions this. Doesn’t believe it, but it questions it.
SAL VULCANO: Like, you don’t think we went? I don’t know if we went.
THEO VON: I do believe one, they’re trying to distract us from a lot of the horrible things that are going on in the world right now that we’re a part of. So I do think that there’s some of that because there’s a lot of these weird things. Like, one lady’s mother gets kidnapped, they can’t find her. But they can tell you where your DoorDash order is missing and where it’s been or whatever, right? You can’t find one lady. That’s wild that she’s still— but she disappears from a porch, you got nothing, right?
SAL VULCANO: Right. But we’re going to move to the moon, right?
THEO VON: But we’re going to move to the moon. So yeah, I think there’s like some of it’s that. It’s like, “Oh, we need a trip to the moon, that’ll get people excited,” you know what I’m saying? Like something to distract us.
SAL VULCANO: The pictures look crazy though. You saw the pictures? Yep, I have seen them. Bring some of them up. That’s why it’s wild. It’s like—
THEO VON: But I think, yeah, it could be that maybe something is— do you ever start to worry that something is going to happen to Earth and that that’s why there’s like— I mean, because it’s kind of— it seems like a weird time to send some people out to look at the moon. Do you agree?
SAL VULCANO: I think anytime— I don’t know if there’s ever a right time. I mean, I guess I agree with you. I’m always thinking something’s going to happen.
THEO VON: I think maybe right after Christmas or something, you send a couple guys out.
SAL VULCANO: They always have those things where it’s like those predictions from like Aristotle. It’s like, or like they predicted in the future. What’s that? Nostradamus? Nostradamus. Yeah. And it’s like, have they come true?
THEO VON: That’s a good question, dude. Oh, these are some of the photos. I mean, bro, it’s pretty wild that we’re out here like that. And dude, you’re telling me this shit— hold on, you’re telling me the best we can do is some guy takes this with his thumb in front of the thing? That’s the kind of shit that makes me feel like—
SAL VULCANO: I know it makes me— I would have deleted that one. I would have deleted that one, you know? Like, yeah, dude. Yeah, man, I can’t imagine seeing that with my own eyes though.
THEO VON: That’s wild. And then the moon, bro. That bitch is vibey though. She’s mixed. Yeah, she’s mixed for sure, dude. Oh, look at that. I don’t know, dude. I think I want to live there. It’s just, I don’t know. It looks like—
SAL VULCANO: I don’t know. Maybe you ever do zero gravity? Like, you ever do that floating around like the space?
THEO VON: No, I’ve never done it. Have you?
SAL VULCANO: No. My buddy did it. He said it’s one of the craziest things he’s ever felt in his life. Imagine just flying, just flying in this room right now. Like, if you just stood up and pushed— if you pushed yourself off the chair and just started floating over there, just went like that.
THEO VON: Gotta be wild. As long as I make that sound while I float. If I don’t make that sound, bro, I don’t believe it.
SAL VULCANO: I want to do that. I would really want to do that, like, to at least feel that sensation.
Remembering the Challenger Disaster
THEO VON: I wonder if— dude, I can’t even imagine, like, some of the fan— like, imagine, like, you’re the children. This is kind of sad, but I don’t mean it like a real sad way, I guess. I just mean it in some curiosity of emotion. Like, your parent or your brother or something is, like, going up to the moon at that time, because the Challenger, like, was it headed to the moon?
It’s a great question, huh? I feel like yes, because where else would it be going, bro? They were blasting people out of no whatever. It would be like, you know, they were just trying to get like shoot extra scenes for Air Bud up there.
The space shuttle was designed as a low Earth orbit space truck and did not have the engine power, fuel capacity to reach the moon. Okay, no, the Challenger was not headed to the moon. The shuttle mission that tragically ended in a disaster was scheduled for a 6-day mission in orbit around Earth to deploy a communications satellite and study Halley’s Comet. Okay, wow.
Imagine how excited you must have been. I wonder if they were scared before. Is there any interviews of those people right before they left? Oh geez, yeah, just to also kind of honor them a little bit. What date did that happen as well, Trevin? Do you know? 80—
SAL VULCANO: I feel like it was like mid ’86. Yeah. Wow, ’86.
THEO VON: So we’re coming up on a 40-year anniversary of it.
SAL VULCANO: First ordinary citizen. I mean, are you expected to be the ordinary speaker who’s out there? That was a year after Amy and Stu Shankman got married. That was what, 2 months after Amy and Stu Shankman got married?
THEO VON: Okay, this is Christa McAuliffe.
VIDEO CLIP BEGINS:
CHRISTA MCAULIFFE: The teaching profession and students and the whole country is really going to benefit from this. We hopefully are going to know an awful lot more about what life is like aboard the shuttle. Cold coffee.
VIDEO CLIP ENDS:
THEO VON: Sounds like she’s from Rhode Island a little bit. Where was she from?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, you’re right, probably pretty close. Isn’t that close? Close. That’s really close. Yeah, still close. Close enough. Yeah, Rhode Island, it’s right there.
The Dunkin’ Donuts Arson Clip
THEO VON: She reminded me of the lady, it was like cold coffee, iced coffee. You seen that lady? I think we talked about this before. You haven’t? No. Bring up the lady at the Dunkin’ Donuts that burned down.
Sorry, this is— I mean, this is the problem with the internet, dude. We’re trying to pay homage to Christa McAuliffe, and then— bring up that Dunkin’ Donuts. You seen this? You haven’t? With my boy Dutch, dude, you never seen this? No, this is— hold on, this I got to tell the lore of it. Jim Norton put us on this, and this is carried on now for like almost 10 years. When a Dunkin’ Donuts burned down in Shamokin.
VIDEO CLIP BEGINS:
UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: Coffee shop in Shamokin is closed following an arson over the weekend.
SAL VULCANO: Police say a teenager is responsible for all that damage.
NIKKI WISE: He’s watched 16’s Nikki Wise joins us live from the Central Pennsylvania Newsroom with more tonight. Nikki. Julie, a lot of people in Shamokin are upset that Dunkin’ Donuts is closed because they didn’t have anywhere else to go for coffee and donuts.
UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: Today we also learned new information about the teenage girl police charged with setting the place on fire. Yellow tape surrounds the Dunkin’ Donuts on West Sunbury Street in Shamokin. The popular donut shop is closed until further notice because of extensive fire damage.
UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: There’s a lot of people that’s definitely going to miss it, no doubt about it.
UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: A teenager is charged with starting a fire inside the restaurant on Saturday night. Shamokin Police Officer Ray Sycho says no one was hurt.
OFFICER RAY SYCHO: The place has extensive damage. Sycho says the fire was started inside the women’s bathroom. The toilet paper dispenser was lit on fire, and within about a minute, the entire place was filled up with smoke.
UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: It feels fake. Mother did explain that she’s recently been put on new medication. For what reason? A 13-year-old who admitted to setting the fire is currently at a juvenile detention. They’re showing blurred pictures.
UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: Many people who live in Shamokin are upset that Dunkin’ Donuts is closed. Now I have to rely on myself to go to maybe a Turkey Hill or something where I don’t like their donuts.
UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: I rather the donuts of Dunkin’ Donuts, and I’m kind of dealing with it, but I really miss Dunkin’ Donuts.
VIDEO CLIP ENDS:
THEO VON: Oh, this guy’s the best, though, boy. This is my boy Dutch Smith right here, bro.
DUTCH SMITH: Chicken Baker Croissant, where I get some coffee, Powerade if I’m dehydrated.
THEO VON: I sit there all the time.
Dog Movies and Hollywood Animal Stars
SAL VULCANO: If I have any legal work that I need to do, I go there. I meet with my attorneys there.
THEO VON: And then this is a lady, and Jim Norton dressed up like this lady for— oh no, did he? Yeah, one year, which was the best thing I’ve ever seen. I hope he does it again, allegedly. But let’s start at the beginning of her again. I’m going to miss that place when it—
SAL VULCANO: If they don’t open up.
THEO VON: Yeah, a lot of my friends go in there, get the cold coffee, the iced coffee I guess it’s called. People miss their— yeah, there you go. Oh my gosh, dude. But when she said coffee, it reminded me a little bit of McCall’s. Yeah. Oh, and go look at the comments on there. Is there any great comments on their Google reviews? There’s got to be.
SAL VULCANO: Oh, so funny. Went for a donut place, burned down. No, I said that. No, no, I’m saying, 2 stars.
THEO VON: Here we go. “Not open due to being set on fire, but otherwise a classy place to hydrate or so I’m told.” That’s Nicholas Soretti right there. “Now I have to rely on myself to go to maybe a Turkey Hill where I don’t like their donuts, or I’d rather the donuts at Dunkin’ Donuts. And I’m kind of dealing with it, but I really miss Dunkin’ Donuts.” Shout out Felix Huerta. Oh, it’s the best, dude.
SAL VULCANO: Dude, you said Air Bud before, it made me think, like, there were so many dog movies when I was growing up, so many dog celebrities. There was like Rin Tin Tin, right? You had the Chihuahua. Are there any more?
THEO VON: Talk about Chihuahua.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, what happened? Remember him? They’re talking about— we say it again—
THEO VON: They talk about you all. You don’t remember him?
SAL VULCANO: I remember him. I brought him up.
THEO VON: Turner and Hooch, dude.
SAL VULCANO: What happened to Dog Hollywood? What happened to Dog Hollywood? Lassie, Benji, Cujo, Clifford, Air Bud, Spuds McKenzie. It was all these dogs, like big dog personalities. Yep.
THEO VON: Heathcliff, Snoopy— Snoopy! What’s the other ones? Yeah, there’s more. There’s more. All Dogs Go to Heaven.
SAL VULCANO: Turner Hooch. But I’m saying they were like big bankable dog stars. You don’t see that much anymore.
THEO VON: That’s a great point. Yeah, wonder what happened. Why are there no more animal stars in Hollywood? “Animal stars are disappearing from Hollywood primarily due to the rise of sophisticated CGI and AI.” I don’t know if I feel like that’s true though.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, because it’s not the same. You don’t need to, you know what I mean? People know the love of a dog.
THEO VON: They want that.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, you can’t replace it. I think we’re primed and ready for our next big dog star.
THEO VON: Probably. Imagine the tour he would go on.
SAL VULCANO: Is Air Bud still doing that? Is Air Bud doing it?
THEO VON: I don’t know. I know I read the other day that some dogs now live longer based on some new medicines that they’re giving them. They can live a lot longer. Really? And some people are happy about it, and some people apparently were not. They were only expecting their dog to live for so long.
Dogs Living Longer and the Heartache of Pet Ownership
SAL VULCANO: Well, that’s— I want a dog, but I can’t get one right now. I have to wait till I stop touring so much and the kids are a little— but I want a dog. But one of the reasons I’m hesitant is because you’re really signing yourself up for a heartache in like 10 to 12 years or something, you know. My dogs all died at 8 years, 10 years, 12 years, 14 years, you know.
THEO VON: Oh yeah, bro.
SAL VULCANO: I mean, if that’s a real thing, like, if they’re giving them medicine or whatever to help them live longer, yeah, I’ll buy into that.
THEO VON: Yeah. Will you look that up for me? Hamsters and Grandparents. So it’s like how children learn about death a lot of times, you know, in a sad way. It’s like you need that element to teach your kid, to give your kid a gateway to death or whatever, like a way to see it. But they had Sounder, that was a huge movie, remember that? They had Old Yeller.
SAL VULCANO: Old Yeller, that’s another one. That was a huge movie. Old dog. Yes.
THEO VON: That was a huge movie. Yeah, that was massive.
SAL VULCANO: That was back in the Little House on the Prairie times.
THEO VON: “A San Francisco biotech company, Loyal, is developing drugs aimed at extending dogs’ healthy lifespans by lowering high levels of the hormone IGF-1, which accelerates aging in larger dogs. The leading candidates including the daily pill LOY002. The drugs work by reducing levels of insulin-like growth factor 1, a hormone that drives rapid growth in young dogs but contributes to faster aging and shorter lifespan in larger mature dogs.”
SAL VULCANO: I thought you were BSing me.
THEO VON: Oh no, I just saw some information about this the other day that was really interesting. What else was in the news that was something kind of worth discussing? I don’t know if we want to go down too many heavy roads. Oh, has there been something your children have wanted to ask for that you had to say no? Like, is there a tough parenting thing that you kind of like— yeah, like, just tell me what some of that’s like. Give me something from the parenting world because I’m just curious about it.
Parenting Challenges: Sleep Regression and Setting Boundaries
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, my daughter went through a sleep regression recently.
THEO VON: Sleep what?
SAL VULCANO: Regression. So like, she would sleep through the night fine, but then, you know, they start developing, their brain starts developing, they start having dreams, and they get a little more like— they start to understand stuff more. So like, we’d watch Home Alone all the time, right? She loves Home Alone. And she just saw it at face value. She loved it. She knew what was going on. Like, she was 2, but she got everything.
She got a little older, and then out of nowhere, even though she watched Home Alone like 50 times, she started to get scared from it, from Marvin and Harry. Yeah, right. So one day, she kept saying, like, in the car, she’d be like, “Dad, are Marvin and Harry following us?” Like, out of nowhere one day. And I’m like, no, they’re not. “Are Marvin and Harry after us?” And I’m like, “Babe, they’re not after us at all, they’re after Kevin’s toys.” Trying to make it, you know. “All right, but are they going to come for me?” I’m like, “No, Marvin and Harry are fun, they’re just after Kevin’s toys. Kevin’s going to put them through the ringer. It’s all good.”
And then in the middle of the night she’d be like, “Dad, Dad, I’m scared, come upstairs.” And I would come and she’d be like, “Are Marvin and Harry coming?” And my wife’s like, “You shouldn’t have made her watch Home Alone.” I’m like, she loved it. It wasn’t until recently that she started getting scared, you know what I mean?
But she’ll call and be like— so you can’t go up there, you have to go up there. Like, this is what got really hard. They’re always testing the limits of what they can control and not control and pushing boundaries. So that’s the whole few years, it’s like they’re pushing boundaries. So they try to see what they can get over on you. Like, if they want you to come upstairs and they cry and that brings you upstairs, they know that they can get you upstairs every time. You have to break that habit.
So there’s times where she’s like crying and like, “Dad, please come upstairs.” And I’m downstairs and you can’t go up, you know? And it’s the worst feeling because you want to run as soon as she’s like—
THEO VON: But you know it’s a trap.
SAL VULCANO: It’s a trap. But also she’s cunning. Like, she’ll say sh that she knows is going to tug at my heartstrings. I’d have to ignore her crying, and she’ll start saying stuff like, “Dad, please, Dad, I need you, I miss you.” Like, you know, right?
THEO VON: The ship is leaving the shore. Just things that she’s seen.
SAL VULCANO: And I’m literally downstairs. Like, she doesn’t see me, but I’m right under the door. And me and my wife are sitting there, and I’m just like, I got tears in my eyes. I’m just like, I need to go, you know? You can’t. It’s tough. It’s tough.
THEO VON: So parenting— yeah, you have to really, I guess, be the dad. Sometimes you have to be the leader. And sometimes you want to just be the buddy.
SAL VULCANO: I want them to be able to— like, she’ll be like, “Please, can I come sleep with you guys?” I wanted her to do that so bad, but we can’t do it because it opens up, you know, like then— oh yeah, but some— I know families where all the kids sleep in the bed and that’s that. But you know, it could be tough. Like if you have— we have work and travel a lot and stuff like that.
THEO VON: Yeah, so if you’re not a Little House on the Prairie, then that’s kind of like back then. Yeah, you need it for warmth and stuff and it’s like that.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, but I want to do it, but so far we haven’t done it because I just feel like I don’t want to start bad habits, you know.
THEO VON: And is it tough with your wife, you have to debate on what are good habits and bad? Like, is it, or do you guys communicate?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, we’re on the same page. It’s pretty straightforward. But you want kids? Yeah. We talk about this online. You should have kids. Yeah.
On Having Kids
THEO VON: I’m going to have some kids.
SAL VULCANO: If you want them, if you do, if you want kids, have kids.
THEO VON: I think I do. I mean, I think the most you can get to is like, I think I want them. Nobody’s like— if you’re yelling in the park or whatever, “I want kids,” you’re going to go to jail or you’re going to get a lecture. But if you’re just like, yeah— so I think the safest thing I say is, yeah, I think I would really like to have kids. I have to have a spouse that is like, we can go down that road together.
And then, you know, some of it I think it’s like, if that’s going to be part of God, if God wants that for me in my life, you know, and if I’m willing to set my life up enough where it’s a possibility. Because God, I don’t think he would bless me with children if it wasn’t a safe environment either, you know. Sure.
SAL VULCANO: I think you should do it. I always tell you that.
THEO VON: But yeah, I would like to have— I think more and more I would like to have that. Yeah, you know, I would like to have the chance to love something that’s different and to have a new different type of connection in the world, you know, just to experience what connections there are. Because I’m sure it’s totally different. I mean, last time we were here you were saying just how different it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SAL VULCANO: You have to do it. You have to do it, especially if you want them, because there’s nothing better. You’ll feel so fulfilled. Fulfilled, man. Yeah, you’ll feel so fulfilled.
THEO VON: And I want probably 6 or 5 kids, bro.
SAL VULCANO: I know, that’s— it’s like when you start having— you’ll see, you won’t— you want as many as possible. Exactly. That’s why people just keep having them, dude. In the old days, man, people had them with reckless abandon, bro.
People would have a kid, they’d be like, “Oh, where’s my kids?” They’d be at the store, they would leave a kid, they’d have to come back, “Hey, we left a kid on your shelf,” or whatever. Yeah, some kids in the freezer.
SAL VULCANO: He’s just like, yeah, people used to have kids back in the day, so many kids that some of them would just perish, perish. And then they were just like, “Ah, we lost a couple of them.” Yeah, you know, Albert stayed and still have 10 of them, but we lost a couple.
THEO VON: Yeah, Albert stayed in Mankato. We didn’t— we hadn’t seen, you know.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, he stayed, he wandered off, and we hope he’s all right.
THEO VON: I know he wandered off from Rochester. Yeah, look, he had a bag of food with him, you know. You’re like, that’s crazy.
SAL VULCANO: I don’t know how you focus on— you had how many siblings you got?
THEO VON: I just had 1, 2, 3, 4, 3 total.
SAL VULCANO: Okay, what’d you have? Besides me, 3.
THEO VON: Yeah, yeah, that’s a fun amount.
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, you saw your family, you had 4 of you guys still together.
Childhood Memories and Going Back in Time
THEO VON: Yeah, yeah. If you could go back and be a kid, what’s one moment you would go back to when you’re a child? Like, was it like a birthday party or a time— it could just be a general, it doesn’t have to be specific either. Yeah, like what was the funnest holiday you guys had or something? Was there one that was just going to my grandma?
SAL VULCANO: My grandma will host Christmas. And all the cousins would come over. And that was fun because she had like this really old house that was a two-family with a big basement and a big old attic. Yeah. And we all used to go up in the attic and cause hijinks and hide and s. And I just heard that— those days were the best days where you could just run around the house playing hide and seek and feel like it was the best thing that ever happened to you. Yeah, yeah. Just, yeah, not all this bulls. Like, you didn’t know anything yet. It’s just about playing, hanging out, you know?
THEO VON: I know. I think, well, yeah, it seems like it should be able to be such a simpler world, doesn’t it? That’s the thing that I think gets me a lot.
SAL VULCANO: It’s like, go hang out in the woods. Yeah, when I was young, it was so much less underdeveloped. Oh, and there was just woods everywhere.
THEO VON: Oh, it was Native American s. You’d have a guy to chisel— put a fing couple tits into a birch tree or whatever. You’d have somebody, there was like a grave somewhere, somebody just buried somebody. The woods used to be crazy, bro, because you’d see some guy been living there. Oh yeah, oh yeah. There’d be some pornography. Yeah, always somebody buried pornography, but they’d draw like an arrow. It’s like, “Hey,” so they didn’t forget where it was.
SAL VULCANO: It was like, dude, that’s where I saw my first McCormack was in the woods.
THEO VON: Oh, everybody— which is crazy, bro. But you’re right there with nature, dude. Oh dude, I remember the first time I masturbated, bro. I didn’t even know what was going to happen with your body, right? And I remember something kind of came outside of my body, and I remember trying to put it back into my penis with my finger. Yeah. And I heard my mom downstairs, and I was like trying to get it all back in before she—
SAL VULCANO: Yeah. Oh.
THEO VON: So yeah, I was like— yeah, obviously I had a lot of intimacy issues over the years, bro.
Declining Birth Rates and Octomom
Oh, let’s get this question, let’s get this answer in, dude. Early 1800s— over the past 3 centuries, the average number of children per woman in most of the world has declined sharply, roughly from 5 to 7 kids per woman in the early 1800s to 2.25 kids per woman today in many countries.
SAL VULCANO: I think it’s even less than that now. Yeah, I think I’ve read something where they said people are having the least amount of kids in history right now.
THEO VON: Maybe there’ll be a rebirth of it, you know? Maybe there’ll be something new that happens. Do you feel like— I feel like, I didn’t want to get into heavy stuff today, but it feels like it’s a tough time in the world for a lot of people.
SAL VULCANO: Dude, you imagine Octomom? You have 8 babies in your stomach, you give birth to 8 babies at the same exact time.
THEO VON: That’s dark s*. Look at that thing she had on her, bro. It’s like— you ever see that spider that’s got the big thing on it? Like it’s pregnant?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that’s wild, bro. Imagine you have no kids and then you have 8 kids. Yeah. I think she already had 5 kids. Oh my God, are you serious? Yeah, I just watched a documentary on it. How do you give the time you need to each of these kids? Yo, what do you do when— you want people like, “Guess what? Twins.” And they’re like, “Oh my God, 2. How are we going to do this?” 8, bro. 8. How do you even— what’s the first thing you do when there’s 8 two-day-old babies?
THEO VON: What was the first thing? They’re like Tamagotchis. You literally just have to check the batteries on all of them. Holy s*, dude. Get you some iced coffee. Cold coffee.
SAL VULCANO: Iced coffee. You have a Tamagotchi? No, I never had one. Do you remember that?
THEO VON: Oh, I do remember them, and it didn’t hit us super hard. Our family— I was a little older, right? We weren’t into a lot of the Asian kind of stuff that much. We was like doing Hulk Hogan type of s*, dude.
Roasting Nadia Suleiman
I remember I had to do a roast of Nadia Suleiman, who is the Octomom. Who had 8 children, who was kind of a celebrity for a while— or not a celebrity, I mean everybody’s kind of a celebrity these days, but she was in the limelight or whatever, you know. Yeah, for that. Yeah, you roasted her? We had a roast. And dude, I remember I got there and I thought it’d be fun and everything, and you get there and you’re like, oh, feels. There’s part of it that feels really mean.
SAL VULCANO: Oh really? Do you mind writing the jokes?
THEO VON: I mean, they were easy. I mean, yeah, some of them were probably good and some were probably not good.
SAL VULCANO: What scenario was she being— why was she being roasted?
THEO VON: It was just a— it was the Haha Comedy Cafe over there in Burbank. Yeah, it’s kind of off Langstrom, I think. But yeah, Jack Jr., his family over there, it’s their club. It’s a great spot. And yeah, I’ve done some— yeah. And so they had the roast of her there, and it was just other people were on the dais or the docket or whatever. And it’s just like, it was interesting, it was fun. Yeah. But it was also like, there was a moment you’re like, “Oh, this is me,” because they’re sitting right there. And the kids were there, bro.
SAL VULCANO: It’s like 8 kids just staring at you rip on them.
THEO VON: That’d be crazy, bro. She was—
SAL VULCANO: Oh, she was there.
THEO VON: She was there, but it was just kind of a lot, bro. And I couldn’t tell if she was trying to flirt or whatever, and I was like, “I’m getting out of here,” you know?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, you can’t even— you need to wear two condoms. Oh, I wouldn’t even sneeze.
THEO VON: God forbid. Yeah, you can’t even sneeze. I wouldn’t even let an eyelash fall out around her.
SAL VULCANO: The next thing you know, you have 8 children.
THEO VON: Oh, and blessings to her children. Let’s get a gander at them. I want to see them. And who knows, now she may— I can’t imagine what that’s like. No way. Updated.
SAL VULCANO: Oh, is that them now? Do they all look like— wow, they look healthy and good. Yeah, they look like they all— they look like they weren’t one of 8. Yeah, they look like they were their own.
THEO VON: Imagine how that’s got to be to break out of, you know—
SAL VULCANO: Well, how much could they have weighed when they were born? Yeah, you got 8 kids in there.
Guessing the Octuplets’ Birth Weight
THEO VON: You got 8 kids. I probably— I would guess how much they weighed. Let’s guess and we’ll wager. Whoever wins wins.
SAL VULCANO: What’s the prize?
THEO VON: I don’t know, do something for moon research or whatever. $30 towards moon research. Moon research. Okay, I think it’s probably going to end up just somehow going to Israel, but we’ll just— we’ll call it moon research.
SAL VULCANO: I think— you got size 8. If they were— there’s no way she could be—
THEO VON: This is a good game show question, isn’t it?
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, it is, right? There’s no way she’d be walking around with— the average kid when they’re born is like 6, 7 pounds, right? Yeah. So there’s no way she’s walking around with 50 pounds of kids in there, right?
THEO VON: Yeah, that’s a lot. Now look at the— you can get a gander at it right there when she got that front really launched, and that thing—
SAL VULCANO: Yeah, that is crazy. Oh, so I’m going to say— damn, I’m going to say they were about 3.5 pounds each, something like that.
THEO VON: You want 3.5? I’m going to go— yeah, 3.1, 5. That’s still crazy.
SAL VULCANO: That’s still 20-something pounds a kid. Oh, you’re right, you’re right.
THEO VON: Yeah, that’s crazy.
SAL VULCANO: But they can’t be much less than 3 pounds. I’m going 2.2. All right, 2.2, which means for 8 kids, she was still hauling around 17 pounds. Yeah, 17 pounds. That’s— 2.2 is a small kid. Well, does it— can we find out?
THEO VON: 3.4. Oh, no way. On the Suleiman Octuplets. Born on January 26, 2009. Weighed between 1 pound 8 ounces and 3 pounds 4 ounces. Oh, so some of them—
SAL VULCANO: That’s double the other kid. A 1 pound 8 ounce kid is wild, bro. That’s wild. When were they born? 2009. That’s about 24 years after Amy and Stu Shankman got married.
Sal’s Upcoming Projects and Tour
THEO VON: Hey, God bless the Shankmans. And may we wish them many million more years. If you ever get to meet with them, man, I want to see the tape of you guys meeting up together. So you got Manoush, your new show.
SAL VULCANO: Manoush is in the show and Foul Play.
THEO VON: Foul Play is on now on TBS. People can check it out with Anthony Davis and he’s in every episode. Yeah. Okay, great.
SAL VULCANO: He’s in every— and all of the athletes and stars and stuff like that. And yeah, I’m on tour. SalVulcanoComedy.com for tickets. Got up to June announced, but I’m going to be doing all of Canada in October, and then I’m going to be doing UK and Europe in ’27. Yeah, yeah. And then probably come back around, get the last few cities I haven’t gotten to here, maybe film this next special maybe in Boston or something like that.
THEO VON: I love Boston. Yeah. Do you think your family will go hit the road with you?
SAL VULCANO: I’m going to try to maybe take them out to the UK. Yeah, yeah, visit Ari out there and stuff. Oh yeah. Yeah, so that should be fun. And then yeah, Jokers will be out starting July. It’ll be season 13. It’s crazy.
THEO VON: Well, you guys can find everything. We’ll share all the links, man, and we’ll share everything for you, dude. And Sal, thanks for coming and just spending time with us.
SAL VULCANO: And of course, man, thanks for having me. I love you. It’s kind of cool.
THEO VON: I love you too, man. And thanks for just telling us about the Shankmans and just—
SAL VULCANO: Let’s find them. I can’t wait. Yeah, I gotta look. We gotta— you’re going to help me find them.
THEO VON: Amy and Stu, the Shankmans, they’re looking for you. All right, blessings, bro. Thank you so much.
SAL VULCANO: Got it, baby. Now I’m just floating on the breeze and I feel I’m falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I’ll share this peace of mind I found. I can feel it in my bones, but it’s going to take
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